This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening, everybody. My name's Siobhan Cassidy, and I first came into the Zendo 20 years ago, and I sat right there, where this gentleman is sitting. And I had no idea what was gonna happen next. All I knew was that there was this thing called Zen in this incredible place called Tassajara, and that whatever this thing was, I needed to understand more about it. And so I arrived in this valley 20 years ago.

[01:01]

And when I think about where I've sat in this sendo in the intervening 20 years, I've circumambulated this sendo from that seat there all the way. I think I've sat on every single floor tarn and on pretty much every tarn. So it's extraordinary to find myself sitting in this seat I never thought that I would sit in this seat, particularly in this Zendo, because for me, this Zendo is like the mothership. It's like the Zendo where it all began. I remember listening to Leslie James give her summer Dharma talk at the beginning of every guest season. She gives a Dharma talk about what might or might not happen or what you could or could not expect to happen during guest season. And I just remember feeling so completely open and overwhelmed and confused and yet compelled to be in this place with the sound of the creek and the sound of the frogs.

[02:09]

And so over the past 20 years, I've lived here at Tassajara for several years. I lived at City Center also for several years. And I've been in and out of Green Gulch. I've never lived... for any length of time at Green Gulch, but I've spent periods of time at Green Gulch. And now I don't live in residency anymore. I live in Oakland and I have a lay practice and yet I still feel completely of Zen Center. I work for Zen Center now and I'm also a teacher for Zen Center and I feel very much on the inside out and the outside in of Zen. of the whole organization, and yet my heart resides here at Tassajara. And one of the things that happened for me in the years that I was living at Zen Center is that I became very interested in conflict. And I particularly became very interested in how conflict can be transformed into connection.

[03:19]

And so I started studying something called nonviolent communication. And actually, the first time I ever heard about nonviolent communication was down here. And I think it was that year, it was the summer of 1999. Didn't know what it was, had never heard of it. But as I went through Zen Center and lived, became very kind of immersed in the practice, I also became immersed in trying to understand what it is that hooks us into conflict. And how can we unhook from conflict? And from the study of NVC, I went into the study of mediation. And that was over a decade ago. I studied mediation over a decade ago. And I continue to mediate. It's part of what I do in my life. And it's, for me, part of how I can manifest my bodhisattva vow. My bodhisattva vow to live and be lived for the benefit of all beings, which is such an enormous ask and so impossible.

[04:20]

but my tiny sphere of influence, perhaps by doing mediations, if I can create more harmony and less disharmony in the world, then I feel like I'm doing one small thing to manifest my bodhisattva vow. And the way that I got into this path, for me, my path of my Buddhist practice and my practice of conflict resolution and connection and communication are are intertwined for me in this body and mind. I can't separate the two. So when I think about the Dharma and I think about how I want to manifest the Dharma in the world, I want to manifest the Dharma through skillful speech and skillful listening and trying to create connection rather than cause disconnection. And it doesn't mean that I manage to do that all the time at all, but it's the intention that I have And what led me to this work is being in a very painful relationship, a relationship that had a lot of conflict in it.

[05:27]

And through that relationship, I started studying what happened in my own being when I was in conflict with someone that I cared about. And how could I turn that place of being shut down into a place of open-heartedness? And so I've been thinking a lot recently about the freedom of forgiveness. and the power of saying I'm sorry. So that's what I'm gonna talk about tonight. And it's something that I feel is very dear to my heart, and I suppose my biggest Dharma teaching in my life is my relationship with my father, which has transformed from being a very difficult relationship when I was a child. In fact, most of my adult life, my relationship with my father was very painful. And that relationship has completely transformed into a relationship of love, acceptance, appreciation, gentleness, tenderness, and care.

[06:29]

So I really do believe in the power of forgiveness. So forgiveness and compassion are always linked. How do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed. It's a quote by Bell Hooks. I'm going to read it again. I also want to keep my eye on the time. So forgiveness and compassion are always linked. How do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed. In other words, change is possible in each moment. And if we hold people too firmly in a fixed view, it really doesn't enable much transformation to happen.

[07:35]

So forgiveness is a life path and it's a lifelong practice. It's at the center of the spiritual path. And it's the precursor to metta practice. Metta practice is also known as loving kindness meditation. It's one of the beautiful chants that we chant here in the morning. And loving kindness meditation is when we direct loving kindness out into the world in ever increasing circles of care and compassion. And forgiveness releases us and the power of fear and it allows us to see kindly and with a wise heart when we're feeling disconnected from those around us. Our human tendency is to withdraw. We act like we're fine and that we don't need anything from the person who's hurt us when in actual fact we're often feeling distracted by our thoughts and alone in our confusion.

[08:42]

And this can happen a lot when you're living in community. We rub up against each other with the best of intentions, and we hurt each other unintentionally. And then it's too easy to withdraw from that person and pretend that you're fine. But it's pretty lonely when we withdraw from people, particularly from the people that we care about. And here at Tassajara, it's impossible to avoid anyone. The person that you're... having difficulty with is gonna be the person that appears in front of you in the bathhouse or you see coming directly towards you on the pathway. So this idea of staying open even when we feel closed is really what I'm pointing to. So stepping into vulnerability and asking for forgiveness in the best circumstances can lead us back into right relationship with someone.

[09:46]

It's in our nature to be compassionate. We all have Buddha nature. And we all have the ability to be kind. Turning towards kindness and compassion is the key to unlocking our anger and confusion. And it is part of our bodhisattva vow. As the Dalai Lama says, be kind whenever possible. It's always possible. Be kind whenever possible. It's always possible. So why is it so hard to ask for and to offer forgiveness? It takes courage and vulnerability to ask for forgiveness. Because somehow, when we ask for forgiveness, it might seem like we're putting ourselves in the down power position. What if the person says no? I won't forgive you. How painful that would be. And yet, since we've taken the courageous step towards them, it shows us that we're willing to step into vulnerability.

[10:56]

So if they do say, no, I won't forgive you, or I'm not ready to forgive you, what then? It would certainly be a blow. But it would also be an opportunity for further reflection And perhaps a conversation with somebody that you trust as we wrangle with the feelings of being rejected. But not forgiving, by not forgiving, we don't get to be fully alive. Because of the armoring and the protectiveness blocks us from being our full authentic selves. Especially when we're in that person's presence. And what if you are in the position of being asked to forgive someone? Only do it if you can really let go of the event that has led to the disconnect. There is a gravitas to asking for forgiveness. And offering it also is equally important.

[11:59]

It's a sincere transaction between the person asking and the person forgiving. It is a sincere transaction and it is not to be taken lightly. However, the power of forgiveness is really liberating. Being in right relationship with those we care about is important. It's an inner shift and an inner releasing of blame that frees your own heart into wholeness. When you have forgiven, there is access to the wisdom that guides us into taking right action. sometimes we get caught in needing to be right. It's lonely to want to be right all the time. We think, we imagine, that puts us in the position of power. But actually, the need to be right is very lonely. We paint ourselves into a corner. And then we don't have anywhere to turn.

[13:01]

So the bigger question is, do you want to be right? or do you want to seek true relationship with another person? Being in true relationship means a shift is necessary, an inner releasing of blame that frees your own heart into wholeness. Sometimes, when we don't have a shared reality about something that has happened, And yet we also want to move forward into right relationship with the person that we do not have a shared reality with. It's important to decide together that whatever happened in the past on which you don't agree must be put behind you. The priority becomes staying in a relationship that matters. It matters enough that you want to move forward together without looking back.

[14:03]

It is possible and it is liberating. But the friendship has to be one that you're both invested in. If the investment is not there, the ability to move forwards together will be stymied. You don't have to wait for a life or death situation to clean up relationships that matter to you. We can all do this. We can be the one to take the courageous step toward the other and to do something different. When we're locked into non-forgiveness and blame, it hardens and closes our hearts. We lose access to our wholeness and we're no longer able to see the person clearly. Our lens is narrowed and we're fixated on negative thoughts and from that place, we're not able to access our own wisdom mind. We're living from a small and disempowered place in us.

[15:10]

The process of forgiveness and the freedom from our own armoring is freeing our own hearts. Forgiveness is not condoning or saying that what they did is okay. You can forgive someone and create boundaries or whatever actions are necessary to fully take care of yourself. Our pride and our principles often get in the way of asking for forgiveness. We have to give up our positions if we want to be in right relationship with someone. The old adage, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy, is a truism. Needing to be right leaves us firmly rooted in our position with no space for any other reality to be possible. Also, since each person's experience and perspective is valid, because it is their own, then the idea of one person being right and one person being wrong is superfluous.

[16:19]

This is an example of non-dualism. The alternative to be happy seems simplistic, but I think there's a middle way between needing to be right and needing to be happy. And this is a place of connection with others. We all need to feel connected, seen, and heard. These are three basic human needs. We all have them. Every one of us in this room. Being right precludes the other person's point of view. And there will always be different perspectives in each situation. Having a shared reality helps connection. Not having a shared reality leads to disconnection. And some things can't be fixed. But fixing and forgiveness are two different things.

[17:21]

Fixing and forgiveness are two different things. You can forgive without making things right. If we don't agree on how something happened, We can't fix it, but we can agree to disagree and forgive one another for having a different opinion or a different point of view. Then together we can move into a place of building trust. Forgiveness doesn't mean being weak. It doesn't mean not having opinions or always feeling like we have to apologize. It's not being a wimp. We have to stand firm in our beliefs. But when the fire is over, always in the ashes are opportunities to repair and to move forward. We can't will forgiveness. It's entirely organic.

[18:24]

All we can do is be willing. We can't will forgiveness. It's entirely organic. All we can do is be willing. we make mistakes, we do things to survive, and we do things we regret. But are we willing to learn from our mistakes, to move forward from that place with grace? Forgiveness and grace are very connected. If you're still thinking about something 24 hours after it's happened, it probably means that it needs tending to. If you find yourself ruminating in zazen on an interaction that you've had with someone or avoiding somebody when you see them, it's important to look at what's going on in your mind. It's too easy to slip into ignoring or avoidance rather than stepping into courage and vulnerability, approaching the person directly and asking to talk to them about what happened.

[19:37]

It takes courage and vulnerability to step into that place. Likely, somewhere in the interaction, you felt misunderstood or you felt disrespected. Respect is a basic human need, but it looks different to all of us. So it's important to find out what respect looks like to the person who is telling you that they're feeling disrespected. And one way that you would do that, you would say, what does respect look like to you? What does respect feel like to you? Because it might look completely different to what respect feels like to you. An important question to ask yourself is, are you invested enough in a relationship to want to seek reconciliation? And also, What do you want the quality of your relationships to be? And what are your values when it comes to connection and relationships?

[20:39]

We're pretty fluent in the language of feelings, especially in California. We're pretty good at being able to express how we feel about something, even those of us that were not raised to have any kind of social emotional learning. At this point in our lives, most of us are able to express how we feel about things. But in actual fact, the aspect of ourselves that needs tending to at all times is our needs. Our feelings point to unmet needs. This is the premise of nonviolent communication. Nonviolent communication is a way of communicating using your feelings and needs as a guide to self-understanding. When we're feeling upset, hurt, angry, disappointed, or any other emotion that leads to disconnection and avoidance, it's because our needs are not being met.

[21:45]

Having our needs met leads to a state of well-being and enables us to thrive. If our needs are not being met, we get caught in a cycle of withdrawal and disconnection. we all have needs, each person in this room. It is a basic fact of being human. If we can identify which of our needs are not being met, and if we can express that to ourselves, it can bring us a deeper understanding of our inner process, and it can shine a light on why we're feeling a certain way. Some examples of needs are, to be seen, we all have a need to be seen, we all have a need to be heard, and we all have a need to matter. We also all have a need for honesty and well-being.

[22:49]

And there are a myriad other needs. The needs list is endless. But some basic human needs are a need for safety, a need for nourishment, a need for health and a need for connection. If you think about a baby, a baby will not thrive if it doesn't have the nurturing and connection that it needs. And we're all just grown up babies. We all still need connection to survive. And I think it's one of the reasons why so many of us are drawn to living in community. Because we have a need for connection. And yet I once heard it said that Zen Center is a place for introverts who do not like to be alone. And I myself am not so much of an introvert as many of you who know me know.

[23:50]

And I found it took me a while to settle into the fact that I am an extrovert and here I am in this practice 20 years later still being an extrovert. So connection and community are important to all of us, regardless of how introverted or extroverted you are. We all like to be in connection with each other to certain degrees, obviously on a continuum. In order to heal anger, pain, or misunderstanding, it's really helpful to identify the needs you have that are not being met. And also, There has to be an investment in the relationship, a willingness to have a courageous conversation in which vulnerability is a necessity and also listening is critical. Listening and speech are critical when it comes to having a courageous conversation.

[24:58]

Offering your ears for the sake of understanding someone is an act of kindness Active listening is a skill that can be acquired and developed. Active listening means, as its name suggests, actively listening. That is fully concentrating on what is being said rather than just passively listening. Active listening involves listening with all your senses, not just with your ears. The kind of listening that evolves from the practice of active listening is significantly different than what we usually think of as listening. And listening is different from hearing. Simply put, active listening is the ability to understand what is being said and communicate back that you have understood. Active listening is the ability to understand what is being said and communicate back that you have understood.

[26:03]

It creates an environment of understanding and greatly aids in restoring connection between people. The way we do this is to show that we're present and we're interested by our tone of voice, our eye contact, our posture, and our expression. In other words, we prepare to hold space for the person who is speaking, and we give them our undivided attention. listening and skillful speech can reduce suffering and reducing suffering is part of our bodhisattva vow. Learning to speak skillfully whether verbally or in writing leads to less suffering. This is true when speaking to others or when speaking to yourself. Often we are our own harshest critic. Your active responsibility in skillful communication is something that we call skillful speech in Buddhism.

[27:10]

When you are speaking, the words you use, the tone that they're delivered in, your body language, and your intent combine to create connection or confusion. And you are 100% responsible for your own speech. In closing, I want to talk about how to make a sincere apology. So a sincere apology is actually a little more complicated than what we usually think as an apology. A sincere apology consists of six steps. A sincere apology consists of an expression of regret, an explanation of what went wrong, an acknowledgement of responsibility. a declaration of repentance, an offer of repair, and a request for forgiveness. It's a bit more complicated than just saying I'm sorry. And sometimes just saying I'm sorry will suffice.

[28:14]

And in other situations, it needs a little more gravitas and it needs a little more digging deep to really come to a place where a person can be open enough to forgive you. So saying that you regret your actions is a different way of saying I'm sorry. Regret is a feeling of sadness or disappointment which is caused by something that has happened or something that you have done or not done. You can say that you regret something as a different way of saying that you're sorry. Saying I'm sorry or I regret when said sincerely can be the point when disconnection can turn into the rebuilding of trust. When someone expresses regret, it's important to let it sink in because it could be the balm somebody needs to open their heart. So an example of a sincere apology using the six points I just mentioned would go something like this.

[29:17]

I regret speaking to you in a rude and disrespectful tone. I was feeling tired and stressed and I lashed out. It was not okay for me to treat you unkindly. I know that when I'm tired, it's best to not engage in certain types of conversation. Would you let me know what I can do so that you can feel safe approaching me again? I'm really sorry that I treated you disrespectfully. At that point, you could ask for forgiveness, but that really depends on the gravitas and the disconnect and the relationship building that you want to do. So this last line, the request for forgiveness, is pretty dramatic and may not be necessary. But equally, it may be the most important step and will likely require a deeper conversation. But if that's the case, you would have built a good foundation for a further, deeper conversation.

[30:26]

So I wish you luck. in stepping into courage and vulnerability. And I would ask that if someone steps towards you and invites you to have a conversation about something that's happened, particularly down here in this valley, where we're all rubbing up against each other and we're hurting each other and hurting each other's feelings unintentionally, if someone asks to have a conversation with you, I encourage you to say yes. and to take the courageous step into vulnerability. Thank you.

[31:25]

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