This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. I haven't been here in a while. It's nice to be back for a Sunday morning lecture. It's a peaceful day here at Green Gauch. It's nice that there are places like this in the world, huh? So in Zen, you know, Zen Master Dogen said, you know, we practice taking the backward step that turns your light inward.

[01:18]

At least while we're sitting, you know, and meditating. The rest of the time we can look out and see how well we can correct everybody. You know, from our command post in our head, where we've got our snipers all set. And then when you are meditating, it's a little hard to snipe at other people, because where are they? You're sitting facing the wall. So you can kind of imagine them being there and sniping at them, but... after a while you realize that you're only shooting at yourself, shooting yourself in the foot. So maybe after a while we wise up.

[02:21]

We're not sure what that is exactly, but... So this morning I wanted to share one of my favorite Rumi poems with you. It's a poem I think of as helping you, me, all of us, to take the backward step and turn the light inward. And it's translated by Coleman Barks. Rumi's poetry, of course, he just spoke, and Hussam, his companion, wrote it all down. And it actually just went on and on and on and on. But Coleman Barks divided it into little poems. Interesting. It just goes on and on. So Coleman Barks calls this the tavern, and there's actually a wonderful video on YouTube where you can listen to Coleman Barks saying this poem to a blues cello.

[03:32]

Somebody named David Darling plays the blues cello and Coleman Barks says this poem to the blues cello. He starts out by saying that, you know, I forget when it was, but the State Department invited him to go to Afghanistan. You know, and he was giving, he gave a talk in Afghanistan at the Ministry of Culture. And he said, can you imagine? Do we have a ministry of culture here? Do we have a culture here? He's a little tongue-in-cheek, you know. Can you imagine? He said at this time, Bush was in office, and he said, can you imagine Bush sitting around with his advisors talking about Wallace Stevens or, you know, Walt Whitman? And he was saying this poem, The Tavern, in English. And all the ministers were saying it to themselves in Farsi.

[04:36]

They knew it by heart. Isn't that amazing? And we like to think that we are advanced here. You know, when every other movie is about, you know, showing those bad guys that we're tougher than they are, gunning them down. So anyway, and then Coleman said that, you know, after he was done with the poem, there was a big argument broke out. And he turned to his translator and said, should I leave? And they were arguing about Rumi's meaning of drunkenness. So you'll see when I tell you the poem why you might wonder. And they argued about it for quite some time, five or ten minutes.

[05:38]

And then somebody settled it. So here's how the poem goes. All day I think about it, and at night I say it. Where did I come from? What am I supposed to be doing here? I have no idea. That's rather like saying, you know, not knowing is best. Anyway, I'll try to leave out my comments until the end. All day I think about it. At night I say it. Where did I come from? What am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea. My soul is from elsewhere. I'm sure of that. And when I get back around to that place, I'll be completely free.

[06:41]

Oh, this drunkenness began in some other tavern. And when I get back around there, I'll be completely sober. Meanwhile, I'm like a strange bird in a distant continent, sitting in this aviary with all you other birds. The day is coming when I fly off. But meanwhile, who is it in my ear who hears my voice? Who is it in my ear who hears my voice? Who speaks words with my mouth? Who is it looking out from my eyes? What is the soul? I can't stop asking. If I could taste one sip of an answer, I'd be free of this prison for drunks.

[07:46]

I didn't come here of my own accord. Whoever brought me here will have to take me home. So that's the final refrain in Coleman's blues cello. take me home, take me home. It goes really nice with the booze jello. What is the soul? I can't stop asking. This is, of course, interesting because, you know, in Buddhism, there's a lot of talk, as you know, about that there's no self. And... I'd like to suggest that there's no self that's like an object, a thing. But there is a presence. We each have presence, or in Rumi's poem, Soul, or sometimes in Zen we say, True Nature.

[08:54]

What is your true nature? And Suzuki Rishi sometimes, often would emphasize, Realize your true nature and express yourself fully. So today I want to suggest there's a difference between, among other things, presence and self, between presence and performance, and some of the confusions we have around this. So... Let's see where to start. So, you know, what we can't find is a self, like we can identify objects out in the world, the ceiling, the walls, the lights, you, me.

[09:56]

We have these objects, but, you know, you, yourself, your presence was never an object. You are not, each of us, we are not objects, we are consciousness. And consciousness is not a thing, it's consciousness. Consciousness is not a thing. So there's no thing that we can find as being self, but each of us is consciousness itself. Understand? And what often is suggested then when somebody like Suzuki Roshi says, be true to yourself, express yourself fully. He's talking about this true nature, this self, this consciousness, which, in other words, you could be in alignment with your core, with your essence, with your true nature, and express that. And that's our work or task in this life.

[10:58]

How do I realize myself and express myself in this world express my true nature, my heart. Because we get involved, but what happens, obviously, we get involved in behaving the way we're supposed to, according to what we learned. And we get involved in doing the right thing. not living, not expressing our heart, but seeing what is the thing to do in this human world. And if you come to Zen Center, then you learn what to do at a Zen Center, and you go to other places, you learn what to do in those places. And you try to behave so that you don't get in trouble. Because if you don't behave, you're going to get in trouble. So there's a huge, you know, we learn how to, growing up, we learn...

[12:01]

how to behave in this human world. And of course it's in reference mostly to mom and dad. And we love them so much. Last night I was talking with someone who mentioned hearing her mother and father talking one night. She went to the top of the stairs and listened and Her mom was saying she didn't want to live with her father anymore. And it was devastating. And she right away started thinking, I must have done something wrong. Because if I did, I did what I was supposed to do, what I should do, they would not be separating. There must have been something I could have done better. This is how we think. And so we're in this world where my heart is, I don't want this to happen.

[13:14]

How do I behave so that it doesn't happen? And we can't always prevent things from happening, but we can express our heart, our prayers, our good wishes for one another, our kindness. That's from our heart, that's from our core, our essence. Not just good manners, but presence, meeting presence face-to-face, heart-to-heart, eye-to-eye, and meeting kindness, presence. Very challenging, you know, because some circumstances are so Wild. For a word. How do we do this?

[14:17]

So, you know, Suzuki Hiroshi, his most famous expression is beginner's mind. You can generate beginner's mind. You can have beginner's mind. Consciousness itself is beginner's mind. Beginner's mind means there's no right, there's no wrong. Can I respond to this from my good heart, from my good spirit, my soul, my essence, my core, with my true presence, and not get just caught up in defending myself, blaming other people, sniping at them. It's not my fault. We do different things, you know. So one of the things... Oh, so Suzuki Rishi said, beginner's mind, and then probably the second most well-known expression of his is, you're perfect just the way you are, and there's room for improvement.

[15:30]

So I'd like to, with this, begin to separate you and the improvement. And you, that's perfect just the way you are, is your core, your essence, your true nature. It's holy, it's spiritual, it's one with everything. In other words, you belong here. You are part of this, everything. You're one with everything. You belong here. Each of us belongs here. And yet we start to think, no, if I really belong here, things would work better than they do. I'd be more successful with money or relationships or my state of mind. I'd be better at causing the world to come around to peace and well-being. So there must be something wrong with me Or I'd be able to do all of that.

[16:40]

Is that true? So Roshi's statement was, you're perfect just the way you are. Your essence, your core, your presence is perfect. There's nothing you need to do about that. Unlike our usual thought, if I just could do things better, it would reflect better on me and I could become this perfected person. I could become more spiritual or more kind or more... And it would indicate that actually I'm okay, finally, and that I belong here and that I am loved. Do you understand I belong? Raymond Chandler, not Raymond Chandler, Raymond Carver, who was also a novelist, writer, you know, he... Is it Raymond Carver? Yeah. And he was asked late in his life, and did you get what you wanted here on this earth after all? And he said, yes, I did.

[17:42]

And the person asked him, and what was it you wanted? I wanted to feel as though I belonged, as though I was loved and belonged here in this world. That's very simple. That's our heart's desire, true heart's desire. And that's what our core, our essence, our presence, true nature, belongs here. Because it is here. And it's connected with everything. It's connected with Zen Master Doken says, guides and spirits come up from the earth to send from heaven. And here you are. And you can say the core goes up to source and down to the core of the earth. And this is something that you can practice, something you can experience. So, no problem. But then when you go to express it, it doesn't always work, does it?

[18:51]

You sometimes just try to be kind and get out of, you know, you could be trying to help someone and they'd say, get out of my way. I mean, all kinds of things happen, as you know. So we keep trying to express our true nature, our love, our compassion, our wisdom, our understanding. How do we do that today, now? Having a cup of tea, going for a walk, meeting your friend, brushing your teeth. How do we do this? So, again, I want to suggest that oftentimes we think if I performed better, if my performance was better, if my actions were better, if I could get more approval, if I behaved more correctly, then I would get more approval from the others.

[20:02]

And if I got enough approval from the others, maybe I could finally feel like I belonged here. I wouldn't feel shunned anymore. I wouldn't feel like I'm a strange bird from a distant continent sitting in this aviary. Maybe if I just could behave enough like all the other birds, I could feel like I belong. Is that true? So it turns out that belonging, I mean, that's important. It's important not to, you know, you don't need to. do wild and crazy things. That wasn't the point. But belonging comes from your sense of being in alignment with your core, with your presence. You're in alignment, and you're expressing your alignment. Your intention is in accord, in alignment with your presence, and you share that with people. This is all very challenging.

[21:09]

if I may say. But as some people have encouraged me, you have a whole lifetime to work on this. Maybe several. Because it's easy to get caught up in how to behave and lose your own way. How can I be true to myself? Can I express my goodness, my good heart? And it's challenging because if you, you know, as any of you have, you know, meditated, you know, like, what is in your heart? And your heart, unlike your head, does not have words. So you're listening for the words, and your heart's going like... Your heart is more like Suzuki or she said, Zen is to feel your way along in the dark.

[22:09]

This is a little bit like beginner's mind, huh? So you feel your way along in the dark. Your heart is feeling its way along. And you don't always know. You try to check where is my heart at. And it's also confusing because you can't really hear your heart because your head is so loud. And then is that my head talking or is that my heart? And can they be in the same place and could my head start to listen better to my heart and be able to articulate a little bit what's in my heart? And it's the same with your felt sense. Zen also emphasizes what in Japanese is the hara, three finger widths below your navel. In the Indian chakra system, this is the second chakra. In the West here now in psychology, they call this the seat or the center for the felt sense. What do you feel like? But it's very confusing here.

[23:12]

You need to spend some time and sort it out. Because there's all kinds of residual feelings here and old stuff. And, you know, something happens today and you feel angry or irritated or sad. And it's not about today. Can you acknowledge that and let it pass until your second chakra is a little clearer? And then you can feel what's going on today. And you're clear about what to do because it's your felt sense. It's what I feel like. But my feeling isn't confused by all these residual feelings from when I was very little. So this is part of meditation, is clearing. what sometimes is called the basement. So probably many of you have heard my story about making biscuits.

[24:25]

This is interesting to me more and more. Certain things come back to me. When I was first making biscuits at Tassajara, this is so long ago now, the 60s. We've all lived that long? Oh my God. But the biscuits weren't coming out right. And I tried making them with water instead of milk, and I tried making them with Crisco instead of butter, and they still didn't come out right. So after the fourth or fifth time, I thought, right compared to what? It's interesting how long we can go on doing these things, trying to do what's right, and not even think about what's right in what value system. You know, where did I get that? And I realized I grew up with Bisquick and Pillsbury biscuits.

[25:27]

Bisquick, you mix the butter in with the mix, and then you take a fork and you put it on the pan. You don't even roll it out. And my biscuits didn't taste like bisquick. And then Pillsbury, you know, you hit the can on the counter, twisted it open, and just put them on the baking pan. My biscuits didn't taste like Pillsbury. My biscuits just weren't tasting right. So what's important here, finally? So I thought, well, why would I want to make my biscuits taste like Bisquick or Pillsbury? This is not wise. It's not really workable. I mean, it's the wrong idea to try to make your biscuits taste like Pillsbury. So... I thought, why don't I just make the biscuits and taste the biscuits of today?

[26:31]

And they were so good. They were buttery, weedy, flaky, earthy, sunny. They melted in your mouth. It was astounding how good the biscuits were. What are you comparing your life to? What pictures? where you compare your life, you have some pictures. Oh, my life isn't working out. Not like the picture I have of how it should be working out. And isn't it supposed to be that if I did everything that I'm supposed to be doing and I follow all the rules and all the instructions that I will get my life to turn out the way it should? and look the way it should and feel the way it should. Isn't that true? I'm sorry. So it's better to let go of your pictures, you know.

[27:36]

And they're not just pictures of biscuits, but you, your own life. I don't want people to see what a baby I am. Pretty important, you know, especially if you're a guy. You get shamed a lot as a guy. You don't want to be that other gender. Or you get shamed. You know, man up. Now they put a few token women in with the man up guys who are going to go out and take down the bad guys. But it's challenging. And then you would want to make your life look like that picture that you got? I'm tough. I'm competent. I'm capable. And if you don't think so, I'm going to shoot you down.

[28:43]

I'll show you how tough I am. I'll straighten you out about that. In other words, If you say that I'm a baby and I don't know how to man up, I'm going to become a baby and shoot you down. I'll show you. But we call that manning up, not being a baby. But it's being a baby about things. So I had to learn how to, I think over the years, I've become something like a mature man. I'm sorry, a mature man. So that means I can have feelings. I can be sensitive. I can listen. I can talk. I can stand up for myself most of the time. I can stand my ground, speak my truth, be in alignment with my core the best I can.

[29:45]

And then sometimes I lose it. And I'm like Sam Minister Yaku-san said, awkward in a hundred ways, clumsy in a thousand, still. I go on. So I found this interesting lately because, on one hand, we're letting go of pictures. The old pictures, the outdated pictures, that if you keep those pictures in mind, you will keep looking at yourself and say, I'm not good enough. I'm not skillful enough. I'm not loving enough because If I was, I would be this picture. No. On the other hand, we have, you know, there's pictures that we can bring to mind that come from your core, from your presence, from your true nature, and you can align your

[30:53]

If that picture is in alignment with you, then you can generate that. And you're generating that, and then things come to you differently. Because you're not anymore looking for, is my life according to the picture that I've never really examined. You're generating a picture from your... from your core, from your presence. And then the world can start responding to you and not be responding to all your measurements and assessments and evaluations and your old outdated pictures. The world can start responding to you today. So it's a different world then. This is, you know, there's various ways to talk about this, but I like, for instance, I think it's the Diamond Sutra.

[32:05]

It says, a bodhisattva produces a thought unsupported by sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touch, or mind objects, unsupported by dharma, unsupported by no dharma, unsupported by anything. What would this thought be that you generate without any evidence? We have a lot of them today. I belong. I am loved. I am present. I will be here and I will do my best to manifest my heart, my goodness, my core, my presence. I will learn how to do this. Just because I haven't done it so far, it doesn't matter. I will. Is there any evidence that you can do this? No. This is very powerful. You know, one of my dear friends, years and years ago, not quite the 60s, but the 70s, she used to take care of my daughter.

[33:07]

My daughter's now 43. Granddaughter about six. And at the time, my friend, and I only found this out years later, she was bulimic. She would eat and eat and eat until she vomited. Big problem. What do you do? So she went to the therapist. After a while, the therapist fired her. He said, you have too much resistance. I'm not working with you anymore. In other words, you're not doing what I tell you. You should abandon yourself and just do what I say. Is that a good way to solve your problems? Look outside for somebody else to tell you what to do? Not all therapists are like this, by the way.

[34:11]

Interesting, huh? So she went to see the guru. The guru wasn't helping. She tried the Zen teacher. And one day it occurred to her, and there was no evidence for it. If anybody's going to figure this out, it's going to have to be me. So I will figure this out. And she said, at the time I thought this, I had no reason to think that I could. But I decided to do it anyway. If anybody's going to figure this out, it will have to be me. And one of the things she did was to keep notebooks about eating and what happened and whether she was binge eating or not, binging, and she kept all these notes. Little by little, of course, as you might suspect, she discovered feelings that she'd been stuffing. You know, many people say this, but she discovered for herself sadness, unhappiness, anger, resentment, sorrow, sexual desire.

[35:28]

Oh, my goodness. All these things that were not in accord with the picture that she was trying to make herself into. So you let go of the picture. And she discovered more and more about who she was and what was going on. About four years, she said, and she didn't have that problem anymore. Interesting. So you can, you know, any of us, we decide, you can decide, I will live my life today. I will let go of the old. I will live in this moment. I will do the best I can. All right. I have another, I have one other poem for you, and this poem I haven't gotten around to memorizing just yet.

[36:35]

I have it on a piece of paper. Just one other thing about this. Years ago, I read a poem by Robert Bly about my father's wedding day, 1924. I found it very interesting at the time. This is back... There was some point in time where I was the head resident teacher here at Green College. I'm trying to remember when that was. It's only about 30 years ago now. I used to be somebody. Now I get invited to give a talk here once or twice a year. But in Robert Bley's poem, he said he saw a log by the fireplace. It reminded him of his father's leg

[37:42]

My father, his father's wooden leg, he said, and he said, my father didn't have a wooden leg. He said, no, my father walked without a limb. And this poem comes around to saying, have you seen the giant birdman in Bhutan dancing sometimes on one leg? And they have dog's teeth in collars. I know they wear necklaces of dog's teeth. And they dance on one bad leg. And then he says, being yourself, is that like limping? You're not going to look like that picture of success you've had to be yourself. You may not see yourself so well because you're comparing to these standards. So how you become yourself awkward in a hundred ways, clumsy in a thousand still, I'm going to do this. I'm going to learn how to be me.

[38:42]

how to express me, how to stand my own ground, how to stand where I am, how to be me, how to express myself. I will study. I will learn. And there's many things to help you do this. You know, because meditation helps, yoga helps, qigong helps. You know, people do dance and theater and all kinds of things. And it helps. So this is a poem by William Stafford. William Stafford died a few years ago. He was a good friend of Robert Bly's. One of the most well-known stories about William Stafford is when a woman asked him, William, you have a practice of writing a poem every day, I hear. And he said, yes, I do. I get up in the morning and before the kids are up and I start on my poem and then I have to get the kids up and get them ready for school, get them off to school.

[39:47]

If I have time during the day, I work on my poem. Otherwise, I finish it before I go to bed. And the woman asked him, but Mr. Stafford, how can you write a poem every day? You can't be inspired like that day in and day out, can you? And he said, I lower my standards. Those pictures. And by the way, one other thing about this, just to put this for a moment into a Zen context. Zen Master Dogen says in Only a Buddha and a Buddha, he says, when you attain realization, you do not say, aha, aha. Realization, just as I expected. Realization invariably differs from your expectation. It is not like you previously thought it would be, like you previously conceived. So be cautious then, and don't be small-minded.

[40:53]

Let this be realization. Take it as a realization. This poem by William Stafford, I don't know if this is one of his one-day poems or not, but... Oh, also, one other thing about William Stafford, he was a conscientious objector in World War II, which is very unusual, because that was such a perfect, obvious war to be going into, where we had a clear enemy. and so on, which is not so clear with most of the wars we go into. This poem is called A Ritual to Read to Each Other. If you don't know the kind of person I am, and I don't know the kind of person you are, a pattern that others may prevail in the world, and following the wrong God home,

[41:57]

we may miss our star. If you don't know the kind of person I am, and I don't know the kind of person you are, we're not talking about performance, we're talking about presence. If you don't know my heart, my core, my presence, and I don't know your presence, and we're just talking about, you did that, no, but you did that, and we're getting into a fight. about something irrelevant. We don't know each other. A pattern that others made may prevail in the world, and following the wrong God home, we may miss our star. For there is many a small betrayal in the mind, a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break, sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood storming out to play, through the broken dyke.

[42:58]

For there's many a small betrayal in the mind, a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break, sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood out, storming out to play through the broken dyke. And his elephants parade, holding each elephant's tail. But if one wanders, the circus won't find the park. I call it cruel, and may be the root of all cruelty to know what occurs but not recognize the fact. I call it cruel and may be the root of all cruelty to know what occurs and not recognize the fact. So I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy, a remote important region in all who talk. Isn't that wonderful? A remote important region in all who talk. Though we could fool each other, we should consider, lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.

[44:08]

For it is important that awake people be awake. For it is important that awake people be awake. Or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep. The signals we give, yes or no or maybe, should be clear. The darkness around us is deep. Oh, this is called a ritual to read to each other. The Darkness, and that's the name of one of his books, The Darkness Around This Is Deep. Quite a wonderful book, and it has a wonderful introduction by Robert Bly, talking about William Stafford.

[45:13]

And one of the things Stafford says, which is very much like Zen, and the kind of thing that Dogen says, is Stafford believed that anything, any moment of experience If you follow it in and through, it will lead you to what he called Jerusalem's wall. It will lead you to the divine. Any moment, any instant, anything, any thought, any feeling, if you follow it far enough, deep enough inside. So very much like Dogen saying, you know, every moment is a moment of, is dharma. So understand it as dharma. Don't think it's just... your waywardness or this or that, or you're lost or you're scared. No, it's dharma. You're also connected. Follow the thread. And Bly said, he asked Stafford one time, is this true of everything or just some things?

[46:14]

And Stafford said, no, it's everything. You follow it. And he said, as a poet, he tries to do that. Follow the image to the core, to the essence, to the heart. So we forget sometimes when we're busy trying to get those biscuits to come out the way they should. Trying to get our life to be in accord with our pictures. So in this vein, I want to offer you one final thought. You know, in this way, we often think, you know, is this a moment of enlightenment? If you're involved in Zen anyway, you know, if you're involved in watching conventions, you know, you're probably not thinking, is this a moment of enlightenment? But if you're practicing Zen, you practice and practice and practice it. Wow, this is pretty good, but is it enlightenment? And then usually you find something wrong with it.

[47:15]

And no, it's not quite good enough. It's not quite according to my picture. of what enlightenment would be like. So again, Dogen says, set that aside. Let this moment be enlightenment. And then in that case, it's rather like the Zen teachers who say, setting aside what enlightenment is like, what would you do with it if you had it? So actually, you know, you do have it. And this is a more important and deeper question. What would you do with your enlightenment if you had it? What you do? So what are you doing with it? This is what I've been talking about today. Finally, I'm getting around to the point. Very similar, by the way, to the last line of one of Mary Oliver's poems about the summertime and the grasshopper.

[48:38]

And finally at the end it says, she says, and what will you do with your one wild and precious life? What will you do? And Rumi says, don't ask the way to the spring. I mean, don't go where you think you want to go, ask the way to the spring. You think you want to go, but where are you? Or, you know, let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pole of what you really love. These are images for presence, you know, meeting presence, manifesting, going out in the world from some core, with your core, with your essence. Thank you. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click Giving.

[49:57]

May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[50:00]

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