This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. So what he said was, you are perfect just as you are and can use a little improvement. And I see you as Buddha. until you open your mouths. So right there he describes the kind of world that we have to live in, given our genetic makeup and the structure of our minds. And this is the world that we call the relative world, the world of opposites. It's the world of samsara. which means the world of birth and death, birth and death, birth and death, birth and death.

[01:02]

It's the world of suffering. It's where all our suffering takes place. And we see this world as either or. After all, we can't be two things at once, or so we think. You know, we're either perfect or imperfect. We can't be both. at the same time. We are either good or bad, Buddha or deluded, but actually we can be two things at once. And the mathematics of quantum mechanics proves it, that a particle can be here and there at the same time. It can exist and not exist at the same time. Isn't that liberating? I think, at least to me, what that means is that we have a chance. And in fact, actually, I find Buddhism to present us with a win-win solution every time.

[02:08]

It's not win-lose. At least what I see, win-win. The reason why... It's coming, just a moment. These opposites that we like to pit against each other actually rely on each other to exist. Otherwise, we wouldn't have this problem. Because if there's a good, there's always a bad. If I have, let's see, if there's up, there's down, the problem is you can't depend on them. Because in one context, this is up and this is down. But in a different context, this that was up is now down.

[03:12]

It's relative. We don't like living in a relative world. We like living in a world of certainty. And there is no such thing from the point of view of the relative world. There is no such thing as certainty. But luckily, that's not the only world there is. It's just the one that we're most comfortable in and we're designed to see. So I think that Suzuki Roshi actually said two things when he was saying one thing, or four things when he was saying two things. One is that he wasn't just talking about the relative world. the opposites, the paradoxes that we actually live in. And in fact, our real lives in that world operates between the paradoxes, between each end, between the good and the bad, between the up and the down, between the perfect and the imperfect, between the competent and the incompetent.

[04:23]

We live in between those, that dynamic tension between those two. But I think he was also talking about something else. I think he was talking about the relative and the absolute. Not just the relative and the relative, but the absolute and the relative. And the absolute is a really cool thing, because the absolute is something that is certain. It is something that is absolutely true. We just have a hard time finding it, that's all. because we want to keep comparing it to something else. And within the absolute, there are no comparisons. So in a way, that's part of the foundation of why Buddhism is a win-win situation. Actually, you know how much time we spend comparing ourselves to others? It's not just me, is it? Actually, there is no basis of comparison.

[05:28]

because we are so completely different. So in the comparison, which relies upon our discriminating mind that loves to compare and contrast, actually it's not really true. It's not really a truthful comparison. I think the key is in the word perfect. There's something about Zen that brings out perfect in us, mostly through being imperfect. Most of our training is in refining our powers of perceiving where things are wrong. And it's not a very fun way to learn, but it certainly is pervasive. like working in the kitchen, just for example.

[06:29]

Somebody was talking today about how do you cut cubes out of a potato? Really? Can you imagine this? The directions are specific and insisted upon that you have a cube about this size, that they all have to be the same, from a potato. So if perfection is an issue, there's going to be trouble. And the trouble will be usually in the one who's trying to help us, show us how to make cubes out of a potato. Because sooner or later, when that person keeps coming back and saying, no, no, no, that's not it. Do it this way. at least what I found when I was being helpful in the kitchen, was that sooner or later they start taking it personally. Why shouldn't they?

[07:33]

Because I do. I am. You can only tell somebody the correct way of doing something and then keep walking back seeing that they won't before it becomes personal. But that's why we're here, to really plummet the... abysmal depths of the personal. Because actually, why I say abysmal is because there is no such thing. There is no such thing as the personal, even though it hurts when it happens. So, perfect, back to perfect. You know, when we usually think of perfect, we usually get into that comparison mind which serves us well most of the time. But in terms of high values, it's not so helpful. Perfect usually brings up with it imperfect in its relative sense.

[08:35]

And so we are tossed between being perfect and imperfect, knowing that we really can't be perfect, but it's so easy to be imperfect. So perfection seems to be beyond our reach. Alice Miller wrote a book, Addiction to Perfection. So it's quite pervasive in our species. We do want to be perfect. But I think not perfect in that small sense. Because perfect actually doesn't mean that everything is absolutely right. Perfect doesn't mean that at all. Perfect just means complete. Complete, as in... whole, containing everything, lacking nothing. And that's the absolute. So when he says that we are perfect as we are, he means we are whole.

[09:38]

We're not lacking anything. Even though we will seek what we are lacking until the cows come home, actually we lack nothing. We are what we are seeking, and it takes a long time to find it. The absolute is different from the relative as the ocean is to a raindrop. The raindrop is not the ocean, but the ocean is the raindrop. So the ocean is the one, and the raindrops are the many. You've heard of the one and the many? Excuse me, the imperfection of this is driving me crazy. Isn't that relaxing? Let's see.

[10:46]

The nearest thing I think that we have to work with in terms of finding the absolute or uncovering the absolute is our own mind. And when we sit here in meditation, even though we're trying to keep our posture straight, we're trying to make the pain go away, we are waiting desperately for the person to ring that bell, and we're very busy planning for lunch or planning... what we're going to do when we can finally see and answer our emails, all that kind of very important work that we do when we're meditating. Actually, what we are finding, if we do it long enough, is that we are discovering our own mind. And that's, I think, the key to Buddhism. It is the study of the mind. Because what we think is our mind, we're usually wrong. We're usually wrong. Because we equate it with... Busy mind, cow mind, monkey mind, horse galloping mind.

[11:53]

But that's only a little teeny tiny part of actual mind. It's about this big. But we rely on it and we build our world upon it and we think actually that that's all there is. So this mind, like the ocean, we call the big mind, big mind, or we call it the true self, or our Buddha nature, as opposed to small mind, which is a little tiny one, or the small self, or what we call it fondly, our ego, our ego, which is just a Latin word. I'm not sure why. Oh, maybe it was Freud. because he liked ego and libido and the other thing. So ego is just a Latin word that we use to call myself.

[12:56]

I. I. And that, too, we think is all there is. Just I. I and its lesser entities, you. Or bigger, depending on our point of view. the point of view of the ego. The ego is made up of mostly of memory. Memory. I don't know what we would do or who we would be if we lost our memory. That would probably be really scary because we would have no idea who we are. Why? Because who we are is made up of memories. Do memories, do they exist? No. Did they exist? Probably not. The way you can tell that we make who we are up is by something that we do in our Zen centers called Wayseeking Mind Talks.

[14:02]

It's where a person will give a short talk and tell their personal history and what brought them to practice and how it's going. You know what's amazing is that if you do it enough times, you begin to see, oh my God, I'm making this all up. I've given about ten or so of them, and each one of them was a different story. And each one of them was true. So I think what it boils down to is that actually we're not really who we think we are. And the Buddha, I think, came to us. to show us that and to show us who we actually are, who we actually are. And it's much bigger and it's much better than we could have imagined. And we actually have experience of it. I mean, it wouldn't be any good if he told us this and we never could relate to it.

[15:04]

You know, I mean, it's just another authority figure telling me stuff. But actually, I think what he points out is something that draws us to practice in the first place. Each of you is here. I think because of that, you've had glimpses of who you actually are. And once you get that taste, it never lets you go. So you keep coming back and coming back and failing miserably. Dogen, Zen Master Dogen says that actually life is one failure after the next. And that for me gives hope. that we're not doing it wrong. So the ego is where it's like a storeroom of problems, hopes, expectations, choices, unlimited prejudices, interpretations, and colorations.

[16:11]

The things that allow us to see and experience our world are called the five skandhas. And one of those is perception. It's called perception, which is kind of a harmless word. Usually means, oh, I see that statue of Buddha. And it seems like that might be true. But actually, there's an expression that says, perception is deception. And why is that? Because we never quite see the thing in itself. We just see our interpretation of it based on all the years we've been alive. We learn, usually very early on, what things are like. And we stick with that until we come to practice where it gets shaken, shaken loose. For example, When we look in a mirror and see our faces, what are we really seeing?

[17:16]

Are we actually just seeing our face or are we seeing what the hell happened? Especially when you get older, that happens. When I look in the mirror, I'm usually kind of surprised each time. I used to be so pretty. Face... thin face, skin tight. Now it's gotten kind of bigger and gravity affects it. Shocking. So not only do I see that, but I see, is this good or bad? It's not quite handsome, is it? It's not like their face. Do you know what I mean? So we're seeing... We're not just seeing the face, we're seeing all kinds of interpretations and layers upon layer upon layer of judgment, critique, and prejudice.

[18:17]

That's just the way we are most of the time. The problem with this is that we build an identity on this stuff. You know, who I see in the mirror now, I call me. I call me. well, what happened to the kid in this mirror over here? Is that me now? And we'll say no. Or we do the opposite. The person I was growing up, I still am that person. The same body, same organs, same mind. So again, that's the relative business. Am I or am I not? Or can I be both at the same time? But the identity gets us into trouble because we think we know who we are. And if I think I know who I am, then I think I know who you are. And I think I know what this world really is and how it should be and how it ought to be.

[19:21]

Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble. And it's a fast-paced trouble, too. It's like the hamster on the hamster wheel. The faster it goes, the faster it has to go. It's like working with a computer. designed to do work rapidly. In fact, so rapidly that you have to work yourself to death just to keep up to it when it's just trying to help. That's the way, if we're not really careful understanding our minds, that's what we can get caught in, and that's the wheel of life and death. So this identity has to struggle with ideas of, am I special or am I not? Am I competent or am I not? Should I be ashamed or not? Should I be afraid or not? Should I be excluded? Should I be heard? Should I be seen? Should I be happy?

[20:22]

In fact, all the issues that we struggle with. Some folks, some of us have to struggle with abandonment or engulfment as kids. Whatever it was that affected us most, that's what we'll struggle with for the rest of our lives. I was talking with somebody not too long ago who was really mad because once again they felt they were not being seen or heard. And in my listening to many, many people over the years, that for one, if If that's your issue, that will follow you wherever you go. In fact, having an issue of being afraid of not being seen or heard produces behavior that actually makes you pretty invisible and inaudible. Have you ever noticed this kind of thing?

[21:23]

Someone who complains that nobody listens to them? Actually, at a certain point, you don't want to. There's something in their voice. So our identity just feeds itself over and over and over again and sets up what it believes to be true. Well, there is another side to that, and that would be the absolute side, which would be Buddha nature, which includes this little tiny annoying self, because it includes everything. But luckily, this little tiny annoying self doesn't really exist, actually, in the true meaning of the word. And just as an aside, why is that? Because actually nothing exists. Because exists means that what exists is separate from what does not exist, or what exists is separate from other existences. And what the Buddha pointed out was that nothing is separate, and no one is separate.

[22:28]

So in that way nothing really exists. But I wouldn't take that home with me and tell my kids or family or friends. So this big mind this big mind is the mind before the ego arises to defend you or actually to defend itself. The You know when somebody says something and there's that brief, brief moment of evaluating what they said and judging it and determining whether, is this praise or insult? And that's the ego. Something happens when actually nothing is happening in the absolute realm. But the ego jumps in to determine whether... my existence is at stake.

[23:29]

And if I determine that this person just insulted me, then instantaneously there's a shield that comes up. Do you experience that, I wonder? And there is just no getting to me, which is the way I want it. However, if I deem that what they just said was a compliment, then My heart and mind are wide open. It's all fake. All fake. One of the cool things to be able to do, I think after some time in practice, is when you realize that the shield has come up, is to take a deep breath and let it lower. So that you can then just be open again. That's where we hear and see each other. When we take that risk. to trust. So as it turns out, this Buddha nature or a big mind actually is very, very spacious.

[24:36]

In fact, it's as big as the whole universe, which is pretty large from what I hear. I don't know if this is true, but at least I made it up, which is, I think in the West, We see the mind as a storeroom, as a closet, actually, in which we stack and pile memories, impressions, ideas, concepts, words, and things to worry about, things to plan, things to elude. And after a while, that gets really full, so we have to put on an addition and continue to stockpile all this stuff in our minds. Well, I found it really interesting that there's another way to see the mind, which is that the mind actually is like the sky through which pass thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, concepts.

[25:49]

memories, the whole business, so that actually the mind is quite spacious, very spacious and empty in substance except for these little semi-real things called thoughts and feelings, emotions and the like. And in meditation practice we, I think, every now and then we will be aware of this mind. And when you are aware of this mind, there is no you to be aware of it. There's just a vast spaciousness, openness, freedom, and joy, most often joy, and certainly gratitude. Strangely enough, joy and gratitude. Who would have thought? One thing I wanted to mention about the notion of the perfection business, I finally learned about perfection and my problem or opportunity with perfectionism working in the shop here.

[26:58]

I had learned at Green Gulch how to use the power tools, so once I found that I could do that without too much damage to myself, that I like to start building things. And one of the things I noticed was that, just like before, It was very difficult to finish anything. Why? Because it wasn't perfect. Perfect meant without blemish. That vertical was actually vertical instead of slightly off. Level was really level instead of slightly uphill. So that I rarely finished anything. But here I learned, because somebody told me about wabi-sabi. Wabi-sabi, have you heard of that expression? It means that something is perfect when there is a slight imperfection in it. It's a weird Japanese idea. That was completely freeing, and I actually finished many things because it was okay if, it was really okay if there was something slightly imperfect.

[28:09]

In fact, oh my gosh, I'm running out of time. In fact, these robes that we make, these rectangular ones, we sew them ourselves. And then we give them to our teacher who gives them back to us. That's the way we give things. It's kind of weird, but it works. And before we give it to the teacher, in the teacher's presence, we take a sharpie. big black magic marker, and we make a mark on it. From the point of view of perfectionism, we've just ruined it. But from the point of view of the perfect, we've made it beautiful and complete, because it contains an imperfection. The two, trying to be separate, we've made into one. But to get to... Greg, I don't know if I'm going to make it.

[29:17]

Let me just say that, because it's kind of complicated. On Monday morning, we chanted the song of the Jewel Mirror Samadhi, which is a very complicated way to talk about looking into a mirror. It says that when you look into a mirror... form, which is the body, and image in the mirror behold each other. Then it goes on to say, but you are not it. It actually is you. It took me a long time to make any sense out of that one. You are not it. It actually is you. What the hell does that mean? Well, actually, it means that the image in the mirror makes no judgment. It has no prejudice. It doesn't say whether you're pretty or not. It doesn't care. All there is is what appears before it, complete and whole and perfect.

[30:24]

Where this one, the form, on the other hand, will see what it sees, and that very tainted version. And this mirror is often called the full moon of enlightenment. And enlightenment is big mind. And big mind only reflects back what's in front of it with no judgment. Nothing is excluded. Nothing is judged. That's big mind. Try as we will to make it into small mind. It resists. Actually, it doesn't resist. It accepts it all. So, I wanted to say... that we can actually practice with this idea of big mind, small mind, as it affects our identity, who we think we are. And how we do this is that when you're sitting there and the stories start coming up, and whenever anything you say has an I in it, that should be a red flag and the sirens should go off because...

[31:38]

because there it is. There's my identity upon which I stake my very existence incorrectly. I mean, that's the tragedy. So when we're sitting there, we notice the story, we stop it, we remember that this is not really me, actually, and we start expanding our awareness. And how we do that is stopping the story and going to the breath, just going to the breath. And when we go to the breath, we have let go of the story. And the fast version of that is that when we let go of the story, we have leapt beyond the many and the one. That's the great thing that Dogen entreats us to practice, letting go of the many, which means who I think I am, and they are many, many things that I think I am, and also letting go of the one, letting go of the whole works.

[32:48]

And that's the entry into reality, because reality is bigger than the one, it's even bigger than the many, and it's bigger than both. What it is, we have no idea. But we can't experience it. I think with that, I will leave you maybe to dream about this. It might be a nightmare. I hope not. But this is the best place that I can think of to explore who we really are. And there are plenty of people here who will help do that. So I wish you well in this exploration, and I hope it will give you what it really is, which is absolute peace. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center.

[33:52]

Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit SSCC.org and click Giving.

[34:07]

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