This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. When I called out this evening to check in with Keith, he said that one of the guests that he took out today, a woman who has come for several years as a guest and sits here When she comes, comes to the Zendo, and she said, when I walk into the valley, I can breathe, I can feel in the air the meditation. She might be a very sensitive person, or maybe that's the way it is for most people here. And as I was walking over to meet Jane at the, by the abbot's cabin, get the incense. a little skunk walked right in front of me from this wall just below the zendo down toward the courtyard, so be careful.

[01:07]

We're not the only ones who think Tassajara is special, and there are many of them around of all different species. At Tassajara, there are these practice periods where people stay, supposedly stay for three months. But a lot of the time at Tassajara, there's a lot of coming and going. Especially during the summer, there's a lot of people come and a lot of people go. And we're now getting to the time in the summer where the going starts to seem like it's outnumbering the coming. That can't probably be the case because... There's still an awful lot of people here and continue to be through the summer. But that feeling of going starts to happen toward the end of the summer. I think for the guests, it's always there, you know, because the stays are short.

[02:14]

So there's always this feeling of, oh, the days are numbered. But for the students, especially the ones who are here for most of the summer, all of the summer, that feeling increases at this time of year. as we come toward the end of the summer, and more people who've been here for quite a while start to leave. And whether people are leaving Tassajara and going back to their lives out in the real world, as we sometimes call it, or whether they're going to practice periods either here at Tassajara or at other places, at City Center, Green Gulch, or other places, there often is a question that people have, a very simplified version of it is, how do I keep what Tassajara gives me? How do I take that with me? And if you're staying here for a practice period, there still is, how do I do a practice period?

[03:20]

Especially if it's your first practice period, which there are a lot of people here that's summer, who I believe are still considering doing the practice period. They were about a week ago at the applications meeting. Unless they've changed their minds now. Anyway, how do you do that? So I want to offer a very simple answer to that question. There are many more complicated answers, but the simple answer is how do you have... how do you have tasahara in your life? How do you do a practice period? This is actually my answer to almost every question. So you can phrase it however you'd like. Basically, find yourself and be open-hearted toward it. Now, maybe I should say find your body because self is such a loaded word, you know, what we think our self is. But...

[04:21]

Put yourself in a stable posture, sitting, standing, walking, or lying down if you have time to do that. And if you don't, still find your body and your mind and how your mind is mixed up with your body and be open-hearted with that. That's it. Dogen gives this, has this way of saying this, a slightly different way of saying it, but I think the same in, I think it's pronounced, Yui Butsu Yobutsu, Only a Buddha and a Buddha. And it starts out, he says, the entire universe is the Dharma body of the self. The entire universe is the Dharma body of the self.

[05:22]

And then he goes into this interesting little story. A monk asked, a long time ago, a monk asked an old master, when hundreds or thousands or myriads of objects all come at once, what should be done? And the old master said, don't try to control them. And it says, what he means is that whatever way objects come, do not try to change them. Whatever comes is the Buddha Dharma, not objects at all. Even if you try to control what comes, it cannot be controlled. And then he ends, that's the end of the story, but then in the next paragraph he goes on to say, mountains, rivers, and the great earth are

[06:23]

are born at the same time as each person. Mountains, rivers, and the great earth are born at the same time as each person. So I want to go back to this story, which I find very interesting. Long ago, a monk asked, so sometimes there is a feeling that Tassajara isn't a real monastery. This may be especially in the summer. It's too noisy. There's too much going on. A real monastery would be very quiet. And, you know, simple, a real monk, you know, would not have this question. When hundreds, thousands, or myriads of things all come at once, they had this problem even back then, even a long time ago in a real monastery. When hundreds, thousands, or millions, or myriads of things all come at once, what should be done? I love that. that this was the monk's question in a long-ago real monastery.

[07:27]

And one reason I love it is probably a long time ago a real monastery really was simpler than the summer guest season at Tassajara. Probably it was more like the winter at Tassajara, where they might rake and they might have to sit next to somebody who... burps while they're sitting zazen or irritating things like that, but not hundreds, thousands of myriads of things, external things. But internally, probably they had about the same number of internal things that we have, hundreds, thousands, and myriads of them. So here at Tassar in the Summer, we get to fill up some of that space with some external things, but there's still probably only as many things as you can crowd into a moment. Hundreds, thousands, myriads of them. And then what should be done when they all come flooding at you and they seem like too much?

[08:28]

And the old master, it's wonderful, right? The old master said, don't try to control them. Those people must have been just like us. They must have been. I mean, he knew something about who he was talking to. And... The most important thing for him to say right then to this monk was don't try to control them. How deep and old an impulse that must be to try to control our internal and our external world. I think it's, you know, it's more primitive than we can almost imagine to think I need to get this under control. It's not okay what's coming at me or what's coming up in me. And then he goes on to say, or Dogen says in explanation, what he means is that whatever way objects come, do not try to change them.

[09:36]

Whatever comes is the Buddha Dharma, not objects at all. So this is a real change in attitude. most of us a lot of the time to when we feel hundreds and thousands and myriads of things coming at us or coming up in us to see this not as a problem but as the Buddha Dharma coming toward us being generated in our relationship with these things coming towards us in our actual our responses to them that these are the Buddha Dharma. And that's the, I think that's the way he's expressing having an open heart. Have an open heart toward these things. Years ago, let's see, my first summer at Tassajara, which was in 1976, I was the head of cabins.

[10:39]

I'd already done three practice periods, so I was the head of cabins. And it was a really intense summer for me. You know, there was a lot of, there were a lot of things coming at me. And a lot of things coming up in me. And I don't think anyone had ever, I had never heard this teaching. And so I was stumbling along the best I could. And really, I feel like really learned a lot that summer. I don't know if I could say exactly what it was, but some, because it wasn't so mental. But there was a lot of settling and a lot of growth in trust and faith that things would somehow magically be all right when it didn't look like they were going to be. Anyway, many years after that, Zen Center went through a time when there were a lot fewer students at Zen Center and at Tassajara, and there were a lot of ideas coming up for how we could survive and continue to do the guest season.

[11:43]

but to make some changes. And various people suggested not making the beds in the cabin crew. And I think I was the president of Zen Center by that time, so a lot of people would mention these ideas to me. And I didn't notice for a while what was happening exactly, but I would... really not like that idea. It was like major, like, no, coming up inside me. And I managed to not say no to most people, but I think they could see it anyway. They could tell that there was resistance or defensiveness happening. And it would turn into these really kind of yucky, or not conversations really, but interactions anyway, where I would just be like... And they would be telling me more and more adamantly and louder and louder why this was a good idea.

[12:45]

And somewhere, after that happened a few times, I started to notice that this was not going well. And there was a pattern here. Something was happening. And the way I was responding to them was not helping. And I noticed that I was... Defensive, that was a name that came to me for what I was feeling. And so I decided to adopt a strategy that would not be so, it wouldn't be so obvious that I was defensive. So I started, when someone would say that or something else that was equally triggering, I would ask them a question back about what they were saying. You know, like, well, do you think we should, I don't know what, blah, blah, blah, something, just to kind of get them off track, give me some space. And what happened in that, though I didn't plan it this way, was that I could actually do what I suggested here. I could come back to myself while they were answering, looking for their answer and answering, and I could be standing there looking like I was paying attention to them.

[13:56]

I could actually pay attention to myself. And I noticed that I had like this panic response that was, you know, just a real tightening around my idea of what good practice at Tassajara was and how good it had been for me to struggle through, you know, making the beds, getting the beds made every day and, you know, feeling, going in and looking at the rooms and, I mean, the bed was very different. I won't go into how the beds were made, but... Some of you who were here years ago will remember we had, like, we, I think, inherited with Tassajara, when we bought Tassajara, we inherited these ancient army blankets. And then also these blankets I've never seen anywhere else in the world, but they're, like, three-quarter length. They go, like, you know, partway down this ton. So they were, like, regular width, but really long. So you'd have to, like, fold them up partway to... Anyway, so the beds were a little strange, but they were made, and the room looked lovely, and the lamps were clean.

[15:04]

And I had this major attachment to, I don't think so much how the rooms looked, and they kind of got confused by that, but more to what had been a good experience for me, what had been a learning experience for me, and how important it was to keep that possibility, you know, for the world. Anyway, it was very interesting to see my response, to see that there was some wishing well to the world in that, really wanting that good experience to be there, but there was a whole lot of just tight, wanting to protect something that had been important for me. And just as I saw it, it was a little less tight. And right away, actually, pretty quickly, I could actually hear these people who were still talking to me a little more.

[16:10]

There was a little more room for everybody in the interaction. There was a little more room for me and what was actually going on in my body and mind. And there was a little more room for them. And we could actually have a conversation about it. As you can see, they didn't win so far. And I don't know how this happened. Maybe I was out of the way when our wonderful idea, now we have bed-making crews on big days where people go and help. There weren't any of that back when I was head of cabins. But anyway, that idea has helped some, I think. So this... Being, you know, actually finding ourself. We aren't that easy to find. You know, we're quite distracted by the hundreds, thousands, and myriads of things that are coming at us or that are coming up in us. And also often the ones that are coming up in us, if we don't think they're suitable, we pretty quickly either try to get, you know, try to get rid of them, get them down, out of sight.

[17:19]

And often we do that either by blaming it on something that's out there. We shift our attention to what's out there and start talking about that or thinking about that. Or we do something else, which I can't remember right now. It's on the tip of my tongue. So we either blame it on what's outside... Or something else. I'll skip that. Maybe it'll come back to me. But either way, to actually find it is a different kind of movement. It's a different kind of openness. It's a different kind of belief about what this is. Not that it's just some mistake that's happened, but that it's an alive interaction with the entire universe being the Dharma body of the self. That somehow this mistaken idea that has come to me that's so upsetting is my universe, is the mountains, rivers, and earth being born with me.

[18:30]

It's being born with this body and this body's reaction to somebody's idea. And that the most beneficial and enlivening and non-killing way of... interacting with those things is this finding it and actually letting it have its life, letting it be there. Last, it was probably a month ago when I said something like this at a lecture and someone asked a question afterwards and said something like often, I probably said something like be open to yourself, something like that, I don't remember but And this person said, often I find that parts of me don't seem to be acceptable to other people. If I bring them out, people get upset. And I said something like, I think we all experience that sometimes.

[19:38]

But because this... when we don't like what's coming up inside of us, this tendency to avert from it and, oh, I know what the other thing was. We either want to blame something or we want to express our, we want to express what's coming up in us. We feel like that's a way to honor it and help it become part of the conversation. But sometimes, because we're so... What we really want to do is get rid of it. So we want to express it to get rid of it. And with that kind of energy, it enters the conversation sort of like my, no, no. It can't really be expressed in an open-hearted way. It's being... It's part of our movement to get away from these hundreds, thousands, and myriads of things that are coming up inside me.

[20:43]

It's very similar to, it's your fault. Blah. So sometimes it's very useful to refrain from either of those things while we find out, am I actually able to see this as a Buddha Dharma? Am I actually able to stay with this and be open-hearted with it? That's not always possible. It's not always possible to refrain from expressing something while we take the time to find out. Am I being open-hearted to it? Open-hearted, by the way, doesn't mean assuming that it's the truth. It just means letting it be there as the event of the time. But sometimes it's not possible to refrain from expressing that. If that's the case, that's all right. Then something gets expressed. And if there's a response to that, that's the world we're living in now.

[21:47]

Then you get a new chance to try to be open to the hundreds and thousands and myriads of things from the outside, from the inside, happening. Still that... Finding a stable posture, if you have time, and finding in your body where your response is and then trying to be open-hearted with it. Or another way of saying it is trying to relax with it. Just to have that little bit of space can make a big difference in our way of manifesting in the world and also our way of... you know, expressing this. Mountains, rivers, and the great earth are born with each being. So each of us has our own experience of the mountains. Each of us has our own experience of the rivers. Each of us has our own experience of someone saying, I don't think we should make the beds at Tassajara.

[22:49]

Or each of us has our own experience of, you know, service, chanting in the morning. So we can make... can make some space for that experience and just just let it be it seems like that's not much you know like well that won't solve anything will it or everything will it but it is quite amazing how many things when we actually just let them be um that well for one thing they are never stuck you know that's why Saying something like find the self is a little tricky because we tend to think, well, then I'll find something. But actually, none of these things, the self or anger or panic or fear, none of them are solid, stuck. That's what they are. They're this dynamic movement happening. So if we leave some space for them, if we open our heart to them...

[23:53]

It is suddenly a new world, and sometimes it's very surprising how see-through, how these things are. There they are, but actually we're not stuck in a corner. We aren't boxed in. There's just this feeling happening, and sometimes the feeling is even gone at that point. That's my suggestion. And there's a couple other things that Buddhist teachers have said. One is, respond unencumbered to each speck of dust without becoming its partner. Respond unencumbered to each speck of dust without becoming its partner. So we could take that as a kind of pressure, you know, like I have to be aware of each speck of dust and respond to it, make a response to it.

[25:07]

But that's not the way it works. Actually, we are responding to each speck of dust, and most of them we don't notice, and that's really fine. But the ones that we do notice, be open-hearted with. You know, just keep responding, but don't... Don't partner with them. Don't make this my speck of dust and my response. It's the response that's happening. What is called zazen is to sit, cutting through the smoke and clouds without seeking merit. Just become unified, never reaching the end. What is called zazen is to sit... cutting through the smoke and clouds without seeking merit. Just become unified, never reaching the end. This ongoing hundreds and thousands and myriads of things, there's no end to it.

[26:09]

Just become unified. You know, we could say, just become unified, our mind to our body. Bring our mind back to our body. and to our mind, you know, our mind having its response. Just become unified, never-ending, not seeking merit, just cutting through the smoke and clouds. So I'm wondering, do you have any thoughts, questions? Yes. The first one about not, well, thank you, first of all, The first one that you mentioned about hundreds of myriad things are coming at you. Yes. But what if one of the hundreds of myriad things is a toxic relationship? Like how do you not try to control that or when do you take action?

[27:13]

Yeah, yeah. Well, not to control them doesn't mean be passive, doesn't mean Don't do anything. That's really not an option. We are alive, active beings. And not doing something is doing something. I'm glad you're bringing it up because it can sound like don't do anything. Just sit there and take it, whatever it is. But I think the best way to know what to do, to know what your real heart is, is find your response and be open-hearted with it. And, you know, sometimes in a moment of, you know, danger or something, in a moment of real, like where things are happening, we just do that. We don't have to, like, find where we are. We just act and there isn't really any question. So those aren't really the times we're talking about because then, you know, we're just like, you know, you just grab the kid out from the front of the truck or whatever.

[28:19]

or you just run out of the house or something. So when that happens, that happens, that's not, you don't have time to think about what am I gonna do there. If you have any space, I would recommend you find your reaction in your body and you relax around it. You make some space around it and that what you're somehow then expressing your response will be more accurate. Does that make sense? Thank you. Anything else? Yes, Josh? I was wondering about the thing you were talking about with kind of instead of expressing the kind of feeling of wanting to try and express it. and instead like just, you know, sitting with it and holding it in.

[29:22]

And I was wondering if they, is it ever necessary or is it ever appropriate to express that and let it out? And I was also wondering if that applied to other emotions, like particularly the ones that find myself less afraid of, like, joy? Am I expressing... Am I, like, laughing because I'm afraid to sit with that? Mm-hmm. Right. Well, first of all, I think we always express. You know, it's like we are in the same... We're always doing something. We're always in dynamic relationship with people. We're always expressing ourself. So it's not really deciding not to express anything. But we might... at various times make an effort to refrain from, you know, some usually verbalization of what we think either we're feeling or the other person is doing or something.

[30:28]

So we might at times think, you know, actually, I need to get closer to this myself before I can do that accurately. And, you know, joy, I don't know, I think I doubt that we have to do that with joy very often, but sometimes there's like nervous laughter or, you know, kind of joking around or like I used to, I'm very conflict adverse, and in a meeting, if tension would start, I would make some little joke. And eventually I noticed that, like that, oh, you know, it was... I sort of appreciated it at the time. People would laugh and get a little easier. Maybe some other people appreciate it. But there was a real avoidance there of some real issues that were going on that would have been better to just let them, or I don't know, would have been better.

[31:28]

But when I've been able to stop doing that and let things come out more fully, it's been, for one thing, a lot more interesting. And things weren't getting buried by this kind of fake joy. or fake joking around or something. So... Yeah, it's not... There aren't any, like, do-it-this-way kind of rules. It's more like... If our intention is... If our aspiration is to... be of benefit to people and to be true, you know, and to... be open to this manifestation of Buddha, which I think is what we're actually saying when we sit zazen, then there is a question, and it usually comes up mostly when we're feeling something unpleasant.

[32:31]

Then we wonder, well, what do I do with this stuff? And then the answer is, don't try to control it. Be open to it. but sometimes it's a little tricky to be open to it, so you might want to refrain from just expressing it, because there might be some avoidance in that expression. Does that make sense? Thank you. Yes, Emily. So we're living interconnected beings. Yes. The entire universe is the Dharma body of the self. Yes. Is this practice letting go of the idea Well, if you have an idea of free will, which most of us do, I guess, yeah, that whole control thing. It's definitely, I mean, definitely like free will the way it's sometimes used where like I can make things happen. I can, and the way we often carry it around of like I can make myself into something.

[33:39]

Like I have free will about whether I do this or whether I do that. I would say it's letting go of that, that it isn't that. That interconnectedness is opposed to that idea of free will. It isn't letting go of the idea of responsibility. So we are active beings. We are part of this very alive universe. And everything we do has an effect. And we... you know, we have some responsibility for what we do. It's not like things that we're just like doing things. There can be refraining from and there can be reaching out. So it's, yeah, a little complicated that way. Yes. And that's where responsibility comes in.

[34:40]

It's a big... role to play. And things are not stuck. You know, so if we make a mistake, sometimes we have to apologize. And if we make a big mistake, we may be, you know, sorry for that, really sorry for that. But still things aren't stuck. Yes, and that too. There's some relief from the responsibility. It's time to stop. Thank you all very, very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[35:44]

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