Good morning. Good morning. I've been reading the new biography of Suzuki Hiroshi called Crooked Cucumber, The Life and Zen Teachings of Shinryu Suzuki. And I know a lot of you also have been reading it and I recommend it to those of you who haven't begun it. So I've been thinking a lot about what a disciple is. What does it mean to be a disciple?

[01:02]

What does it mean to have a teacher? Is this necessary for your practice? Necessary for my practice? So the word disciple, the root of it comes from the Latin which means to learn. So a disciple is a person who learns from their teacher and then spreads and disseminates or helps to spread those very teachings. And that work of spreading may take a while before a person is ready to do that. And discipline also, disciple and discipline come together.

[02:06]

And I think we use the word discipline in that way when we talk about, you know, an area of a study, they're taking up the discipline of philosophy or something like that. But we also have the meaning of the word discipline, training, and it's also used for like punishment or rules and that kind of, that side of things. But I think the root of it is to learn. What is the best way to learn? What's the most setting up the conditions, the best conditions for learning? I've also been very drawn to one of the Buddha's disciples, Ananda. We chant Ananda in the lineage every morning after the Shakyamuni Buddha, Daya Yosho, Makaka

[03:18]

Shodaya, Ananda Daya Yosho. So in the line of ancestors, the Buddha transmitted to Makaka Shodaya and Makaka Shodaya transmitted to Ananda Daya Yosho. And Ananda was a wonderful disciple, very inspiring disciple. So I wanted to talk a little bit about Ananda's practice. In the Mahaparinirvana Sutra, there's a chapter which talks about the retainer to a king and the practice of being a good retainer. And there's a word in Sanskrit which is Saindhava, S-A-I-N-D-H-A-V-A, Saindhava, which means,

[04:27]

it has four meanings. It means water, vessel, salt, and horse. Doesn't that seem odd that one word would mean water, vessel, salt, and horse? So in this sutra it talks about the king would call for Saindhava and the servant, this retainer, you know, what does he want, what does he need? But it's not hidden what he needs, it's obvious. Because in the morning he would want water to wash up, or in the afternoon his horse to go for a ride, or at mealtime some salt, or a vessel to hold something. So the meaning is very clear, it's completely unhidden what's needed. And the word Saindhava, it means direct communication, this kind of direct communication between

[05:29]

two people with nothing, you don't have to kind of wonder. If you're paying attention and being aware, someone calls Saindhava and you know, because you're with them, without the clouding ideas of what you want, or what's important to you, or how you'd like to do it, or whether you want salt on your food, or whatever. It's directly communicating with someone. So this is held up as a kind of, this is the way teacher and disciple, maybe that's the ideal of teacher and disciple. Directly communicating. So, just about Ananda, Ananda, there's two traditions, you know, we have many, there's

[06:32]

many stories, but one tradition is that when the Buddha was born, the day the Buddha was born, Ananda was born exactly the same day, the same birthday, and he was born to the, his father, Ananda's father was the Buddha's father's brother. So their first cousins, sorry, and Ananda went to join the Buddhist order as well, and he was a very easy to get along with person, and everybody liked Ananda. Ananda means joy. People were glad to see Ananda. He had a very gentle way about him. He was supposed to have been a little bit, I don't know about chubby, but you know, not that real lean and hungry look, I don't know how you could be chubby with collecting alms, but he had a more roundness, kind of a round feeling to him.

[07:36]

And he entered the order, and there's another tradition that says that Ananda was born the day the Buddha was enlightened, so this connection between the Buddha and Ananda, there's different traditions of illustrating that. When the Buddha was about fifty-five years old and had been teaching for quite a while, he brought the monks together, the sangha of monks together, and said, I've been teaching for all this time, and I'm now fifty-five years old, and I really would like now, I've had many attendants through my teaching career, and each one of them, there's been some difficulty, or there's some willfulness that they've shown, meaning kind of selfishness, and I'm getting to the age where I really would like an attendant, I'd like to choose my attendant.

[08:40]

So I thought that was a wonderful detail of the Buddha's life, where he's old enough where he needs some help, you know, he's trained a lot of people and worked with whosever, you know, been offered to him, but at this time, he really would like to work with somebody he can count on, and that would be of great help to him. And all the monks volunteered that they would like to do it, but Ananda held back and didn't say, didn't volunteer. And then the monks said, well, maybe Ananda should do it. And Ananda basically said, if the Buddha knows who he wants to have as his attendant, so let the Buddha choose. And the Buddha did choose Ananda. And he was fifty-five years old in that tradition, he was also fifty-five, so there are the two of them. And Ananda was his faithful attendant for the next twenty-five years. And it's a wonderful teaching about how it is that you serve somebody, how you be a real

[09:48]

disciple and a real attendant to someone. And Ananda, before taking on the job, had eight conditions that he felt he had to have the Buddha grant him, or eight favors, it says. And the first one was that, the first four have a kind of negative cast to it, and the last four have a more positive cast, but the first one is, Ananda said, if the Buddha received a robe, he was not to pass it on to Ananda. You know, you received your food and clothing from donations. So, that was the first condition, that the Buddha not pass on any robes that were given to the Buddha, he not pass them on to Ananda. And the second one was, if there was any food collected in alms, when he went on his alms gathering rounds, that that food that was given to the Buddha not be given to Ananda, or shared with Ananda. And the third was, if there was a dwelling place that was offered to the Buddha, that

[10:53]

he not include Ananda in the invitation, or in sharing that dwelling. And the fourth was, if the Buddha was invited to speak at a gathering, a special place, a lay person's house, that included a meal, that Ananda not be included. So that's the first four. And the last four were, so number five would be, if Ananda received a robe, a special robe as a gift, that he be able to pass it on to the Buddha. And the sixth is, if there was a visitor from some outlying country or outlying city, that Ananda would have the right to bring him or her to visit the Buddha. And the seventh is, that Ananda have the right at any time, or the privilege or right at

[11:57]

any time, to inquire about the Dharma, if he didn't understand something, to go at any time to the Buddha and ask questions about the Dharma. And the eighth was, if Ananda missed any of the Buddha's Dharma talks, that the Buddha would repeat them for Ananda. And the Buddha granted all those eight favors. So the first four, Ananda said, the reason for those first four was, he didn't want to have any shadow of a doubt that he was taking this job on as the attendant for some material gain that might come along with it. Oh, I get to attend the Master, I get to go to all these parties and get fancy food and get nice robes and sleep in comfy places because I'm going to be attending the Buddha, so that will come to me. So he wanted to make very clear that those things were given to the Buddha and not to Ananda. It was just because Ananda was in attendance that they would come to him, but they were

[12:59]

really given to the Buddha. So he wanted to make that distinction very clear, so that no one would doubt his reasons for taking on the job. And then the last were that people would be sure to know that he wanted to continue his practice strongly by taking on the job, so inquiring about Dharma and hearing the Dharma talks again. And then those are those last two, and then being able to pass on the boons that he received to the Buddha, because he felt, Ananda felt he owed all his own happiness and his own understanding and his own bliss, it says, to the Buddha, to his teacher. It was to the Dharma, really, that the Buddha taught. So it wasn't because he was so important and such a great guy that these things were coming,

[14:00]

it was through the power of the Buddha and the Dharma. And bringing people from outlying... It doesn't comment on that in the sutra about why he wanted to be the one to bring people, but I think it's... To me it just seemed like he wanted to help people who didn't know their way and wouldn't maybe have a chance to meet the Buddha, he wanted to help that happen. So just in looking at one's own practice and one's own reason for taking on jobs, or is there self-clinging there, is there selfish motivation? To be very clear about what the relationship one has to those one wants to work with. Do we want to receive the shine, let's say, or is there selfishness involved?

[15:10]

That's something that Ananda was very clear about. Now there's this one story in here where Ananda, about the shine, getting the shine from his teacher, there was another monk called Udayi, who once criticized Ananda in the following way. So Ananda, for the most part, was very loved, and even in this very difficult job of being kind of the go-between between the students and the teacher, setting up appointments, he did a lot of the things that at Zen centers, the jisha job, kind of a combination of assistant

[16:13]

and jisha to the abbot or the senior dharma teacher. So he set up appointments and was like secretary, and in this one instance he was criticized by this monk because Ananda had asked the blessed one how far his voice would reach in the universe, and the Buddha answered that the enlightened ones were immeasurable and could reach farther than a thousand-fold world system, even farther than three thousand-fold world systems. They could penetrate all those worlds with their shining splendor and reach all beings living there with their voice. And Ananda was delighted with this description, so all-encompassing and transcending, so he exclaimed, how fortunate I am that I have such an almighty, powerful master. And this other monk objected, saying, what good does it do you, friend Ananda, that your master is almighty and powerful? So this other monk was saying, you know, kind of look to your own practice, just because

[17:19]

your master has these wonderful abilities, what are you getting all so excited about? You have to continue your practice and not sort of bask in the glory of your teacher. So this kind of projection about his teacher and how excited he got, and he was kind of chastised by his fellow monk. The other thing, besides being the secretary and the one who scheduled things and made arrangements and all, he took care of the physical body of the Buddha, meaning he attended the Buddha like a shadow. So he was with him very often, helped him to make his bed, helped bathe him, wash his feet, gave him massages. So there's a lot of hands-on, close contact with his teacher.

[18:24]

And within the monastic rule, within the way the order was set up, another instance where he was chastised, this time by the Buddha, was the Buddha was sick. He had, it sounds like he had wind on the stomach, so I imagine he had some kind of gas pains or something, which can be like knife, you know, very painful. And Ananda made him some nice rice gruel, a nice little rice cereal, because it had helped him once when he had it. So he cooked it up for him. And he was chastised by the Buddha for the homeless, the one who leaves home does not cook in their house, they just gather food, a very strict feeling about keeping the monastic discipline, keeping these forms and ways of living, so very strict. And yet Ananda was just trying to help his teacher, right?

[19:31]

But he had violated this rule. So this kind of close contact with your teacher, you know, one hears stories about that and might be very inspired and want to, how would that be to, do I want to do that? Do I want to take care of somebody that closely? And I think, I don't know that much about Jesus's disciples, but I think washing the feet and doing these actual physical things for your teacher are very important for one's own training. I just remembered a story that Kadagiri Roshi used to talk, tell about, about washing his teacher's back in the bath. Kadagiri Roshi was the abbot of the Minnesota Zen Center and taught here and actually worked with Suzuki Roshi in the early days of Zen Center, and he talked about his teacher used

[20:39]

to love these long hot baths and he'd wash his back, he wanted to wash his back, he knew his teacher wanted his back washed, but every time he brought the washcloth and began to get ready to do it, his teacher would brush him off and say, you know, leave me alone. But he knew his teacher wanted his back washed, so it was like this kind of Sandava thing, he knew, and yet something he was, he couldn't figure out how to get permission to do it. So he, may I wash your back, teacher? No, you know, but he knew his teacher liked that. So finally one day, Kadagiri Roshi just took up the washcloth and started scrubbing his teacher's back. Ah, he let him. So this kind of, this direct communication. He didn't, the teacher, if he was going to ask, do you want your back washed? Well, he wasn't going to say, you know, he wanted his student to take up this action unbuffered, you know, unmediated and do the direct thing, direct communication.

[21:44]

So there's lots of stories like that about, and the koans, you know, have stories about that too, teacher and disciple, close, intimate contact and the training that comes from that. So Suzuki Roshi, just another thing about Ananda, Ananda was, he was not proud, even though he was the favorite, really one of the favorites, meaning the Buddha wanted him to be his attendant, actually chose him to be in this close relationship with him. He was not proud, and so because he wasn't proud, he didn't inspire a lot of envy or competition or those kinds of negative attitudes or resentment in his fellow Sangha members. He was well loved all during this time, which is kind of amazing when you think about it. And he was loved by all four of the, the four groups of Buddhist practitioners, the monks

[22:55]

and the nuns and the laymen and the laywomen, and he was often asked to go and give the Dharma talks to the nuns' order. And there's more stories about that, which I don't know if I have time for them. So Suzuki Roshi, his teacher, Gyakujin Soan, that was his, who he was ordained with, was, had been a disciple of his own father. Suzuki Roshi's father was a priest, and his disciple, Gyakujin Soan, had been an orphan that Suzuki Roshi Sr. had adopted and trained, and he was a very, very tough kind of guy. He was an archer, very strong, kind of burly fellow. And Suzuki Roshi was quite taken with him when he would come and visit his father, and he asked to be trained by Gyakujin Soan to become his disciple. At a very young age, he was 11 going on 12.

[23:57]

So those of you who know my son Davey, he's 12. So Suzuki Roshi left home at 11, just about going on 12, to leave, he left his parents and their temple, and his brothers and sisters, and went to live at this temple with Gyakujin Soan, and these other disciples that he had, who were also pretty young, but he was the youngest. So if you think of how you were in, you know, sixth grade, going on seven, can you imagine going off and living the monastic life, getting up early, doing the meditation schedule and the cleaning schedule, and then working closely with this teacher who was very strict, didn't talk very much, hardly at all. He would, in fact, I'm sort of quoting from the book, the young boys began to really like

[25:02]

to hear his scolding voice, because he would sometimes scold them, because he didn't talk very much at all, and they didn't know what they should do and what they shouldn't do. And they had to learn by watching, and pick it up by watching very, very carefully. And then they would be chastised or pointed out to them that they had done it wrong, or to do it another way. So this disciple relationship of learning, wanting to learn, and Suzuki Roshi, he really loved this master. He was really, as the biographer David Chadwick says, he was in love with Soan, with Gyokujin Soan Daisho. And that kind of loving feeling for your teacher, I think, sometimes is really necessary in order to persevere with the difficulties that arise

[26:02]

between two people. So, you know, we talk about the forms, our forms, and how we practice together using the forms as a vehicle for our teaching. In Zen, the forms of the practice are really emphasized as a vehicle for carrying the teaching. It's not that the forms themselves, in and of themselves, are the essence of the teaching. I'm not sure I can say that wholeheartedly. There's a mistaken idea. When you get attached to the forms, our relationship to the forms is also, we have big resistance to the forms, or we get very attached to the forms, and it should be just so, and didn't I do it well? See, look at me, how nicely I'm doing it. Those two sides are, I don't want to do that, don't make me do that.

[27:04]

So there's two sides that we often are dealing with around the forms. But the effort in training with the forms, the discipline of the forms, being a disciple with the forms, is that it's the process of being aware, as you're doing the forms, it's there. That's where we're putting our effort. So it's not that, you know, we talk about in orioke, you set the bowls down quietly, or use your utensils quietly. It's not that setting your chopstick down quietly is the meaning of it. It's the awareness that you have as you're setting your chopsticks down, that awareness of your flowing life, your unhindered, full expression of your life,

[28:10]

that process of being aware of your being and your life force and energy, being aware. And if you're aware as you're putting your chopsticks down, they go all the way down with quietness. Now, you can test this out, or maybe you know this, because the last practice period I had two accidents with my orioke, two accidents that I've never had before. One was just shocking for me, and that was when I was pouring my spirit water in, carefully pouring it in, and I dropped my bowl into the bucket. And the server and I both were kind of, now what, you know, so I took it out sort of dripping, and pictured the water that it went into. It wasn't like just dropping it in any old water, it was that water. And then what, now what, what do I do? Anyway, but right at that moment as I was, I was thinking about something else.

[29:14]

What I was thinking about was how to teach orioke. So, you know, losing the awareness of actually pouring the water and thinking about, you know, and there was probably this kind of self, you know, oh, I'm such a good orioke practitioner. How do I teach this even better than I've been doing all these years? Clunk, splash. So that was the first one, and the other one was, let's see, what was it? Something, that was the worst. The other one was something like I just set it up wrong. I put the chopsticks, I did something very strange. And at that moment, during that time, I was thinking about, I can't even remember, I just know I wasn't completely aware of unwrapping my bowl, setting out Buddha's bowl. So, you know, the moment we congratulate ourselves for, boy, I set those out really great that time, really quietly. And we kind of rest on our laurels, right? We rest on our cushion, and how, what a, what is it?

[30:20]

I stuck in a thumb and pulled out a plum and said, what a good boy am I? It's kind of like that, you know? That kind of, oh, that is, that's attachment to form. You know, that's getting attached to it, and how good you're getting, you know. So to forever be letting go, letting go, letting go of any attaining or accomplishment, and just staying with the awareness of what it is you're doing. And it's ever-flowing, ongoing, never-stopping awareness of being. So, and this is with all the forms, you know, all the postures, all the mudras, everything we do, it's, they're not kind of separated into now I'm doing a form, now I'm not, now I am not. There's just the awareness, putting your attention into the process of the awareness.

[31:20]

So then there's no time to rest and say, what a good boy am I, what a good girl am I, with your plum on your thumb, because how about being aware of the next footstep or the next whatever it is, person you're greeting. So this kind of no attainment and not knowing and not attaining as the fundamental of Buddhadharma, the practice of that, you can, through this practice of the forms, being aware of the forms, practicing with the forms, ongoing, never-stopping, that will help, help the tendency to want to have attainments and get things and self-congratulate. But that'll, that's just, it's kind of a waste of time, you know. So, now that may sound too strict, you know, like,

[32:24]

hey, I like to get a little praise once in a while, but, and we do, you know, we like to feel like, and that's what Suzuki Roshi was talking about with this teacher, he never told them anything, he never, and Tozan, I think, said that about his teacher too, that the main thing, the main reason he thanked his teacher was that he never praised him or he never told him. And this is very kind of strict, we talk about granting way and grasping ways, it's kind of, you might think it's kind of a closed-fist way to teach, and that may not work for you, you know, but it's, you know, there's lots of stories about that way. For example, so in the forms, since the forms are this vehicle for practice, Suzuki Roshi's teacher, they are these young boys, and they are just learning to be Doans, you know, hitting the bells and doing service, but he wouldn't tell them how to do it, you just had to watch how your teacher did it and then hoped you could do it.

[33:25]

They would go to these memorial services, and here the family was sitting, someone had died in the family, and the priest would come, and Suzuki Roshi would be hitting the bells, and right in the middle of the ceremony, his teacher would turn to him and say, that's not how you do it, he'd take the bell from him, show him how to do it, do a little Doan training right in the middle of this person's living room, which would be, for Suzuki Roshi, very embarrassing, and at the same time, he welcomed it because he wanted to be shown, he wanted to learn, he was a disciple. So the subtlety of this kind of working together with someone is, it's endless, and there's endless, it's like a treasure trove, an endless treasure trove of opportunity to work together, but you may, I think it's important that you give permission to someone

[34:25]

to work with you in that way, because if you don't really want somebody, if you haven't placed someone in a central position in your life in that way, where you want to do this kind of work together, where you want to have somebody yell, and be ready, if you don't want to do that, then if somebody engages with you in that way, you may feel like they're, that's very aggressive maybe, or that it's too much, or that you're being hurt, or something. So it's reciprocal, like the permission comes, I think Suzuki Roshi, by saying, I want to study with this teacher, please let me, asking his father and mother to go, he gave permission to be trained in this way, and I think this kind of tradition, we're not so used to, although people say, I want to have a teacher, it's important to ask,

[35:30]

well, what do you mean by that, because they may not mean that you want someone to actually adjust your mudra, or get in there with you, with your body practice. But this way of training is an endless source of insight and joy, and I feel opportunity for deepening our practice. So one story, this is just when Suzuki Roshi was little, they had come back from one of these memorial services, and you wear tabi, the white special little foot coverings that we wear for special ceremonies here, and for tea ceremony too, they put those on for the memorial service,

[36:32]

and then Gyakujin Soan Daisho took his off for the walk home, but the other disciples, Suzuki Roshi included, didn't notice this little detail, so they were more formally dressed than their master, but he didn't say anything until they came to these woods, and he said, please go ahead, go in front of me, because these snakes, it was evening time, and the snakes come out, and you have tabi on, so please go ahead, because the snakes are out, and the tabi afforded some measure of protection. Oh, and so the young boys were like, how brave, our teacher wants us to go first into the forest, leading the way. They didn't pick up on this subtlety of what was being said there. They got out of the forest, they got back to the monastery, and then their teacher gathered them and said, you should not be wearing tabi when your master is not wearing tabi, being dressed more formally than he was. And that was,

[37:35]

these are Suzuki Roshi stories that he remembered. So then he realized, oh, you know, there's another side to the words. This is, the teacher says something, and what is the other side that's not being said directly? What's being said? So this kind of, you know, sometimes I feel like we can barely notice, you know, that the lights are on or off, you know, whether or not someone's got tabi and someone doesn't, or the subtlety of it and the beauty. I mean, for me, someone with my disposition finds that particular story so helpful, you know, the level at which one is aware and watching and involved in this process of training. I find that extremely inspiring and a very helpful teaching story.

[38:38]

Someone else may feel like, what's the difference? Who's got socks on and who doesn't? You know, leave me alone or something. you can imagine that might be someone's reaction. I don't know how each one of you heard that story, but to me, to notice those kinds of things. And I have a story, a teaching story for me about that. When I first became Tanto here at Green Gulch, I didn't, when I, and I was asked to do the Jundo, the morning greeting, walking around, and when you get to the teachers who are the senior Dharma teacher and the abbot, for the abbot, you face and bow straight on rather than just walking in the same direction and bowing perpendicularly. Let's see, the person's sitting out and usually you walk like this, you bow like this, but to the abbot, you bow facing.

[39:38]

So, the senior Dharma teacher had just stepped down from being abbot and I said, how should I bow now? You know, because he had been abbot and I think he didn't say. I think he said, well, you do whatever comes up for you or something. So, the first time I walked around, I bowed to the abbot and then I came around, came to the senior Dharma teacher and I did the perpendicular bow. I didn't face. And then afterward, but I felt something when I didn't turn and face. I felt and this is, it was like wearing tabi, you know, it was like wearing tabi going through the forest. So then afterward, there was an exchange about that bow and the direction, you know, and what was going on for me

[40:42]

and so at this level of working, you know, is very very subtle or gross, you know, that was maybe a gross example, someone else may feel like, well, that's pretty subtle, so you turn this way or that way. But it's the details of our life are so important. That's where the practice resides in the living through all the details. And if we skip those because they're not important and I want to get to the good stuff like what's emptiness or something or understanding and missing the kind of body practice between people, then the training is very hard and hard to understand. So

[41:47]

Gyoko Jin Soan was very strict about these things and he said we say, this is a quote from Suzuki Osho, we say, only to sit on a cushion is not Zen. So just the sitting, that's not Zen. The Zen Master's everyday life, character, and spirit is Zen. My own master said, I will not accept any monastery where there is lazy training where the rooms are full of dust. He was very strict. To sleep when we sleep, to scrub the floor and keep it clean, that is our Zen. So practice is first and as a result of practice there is teaching. So I will not accept any monastery where there is lazy training, where the rooms are full of dust. Recently

[42:59]

Tenshin San, Tenshin Roshi was talking about taking care of your personal space, your own room and your clothes and your your stuff and he mentioned when you die if it's not taken care of all your friends and your family is going to have to deal with it. They are going to have to clean your room and deal with your stuff and the boxes and the junk. So please take care of this part of your life, the material realm. So I've been thinking about that. Every time I leave my room I think if I was in a car accident and I was dying and died and then how would I feel about people coming into the room now, today and dealing with various piles of books and papers and stuff you know and dust if there is dust accumulating and is the altar clean

[44:04]

so this isn't like I would be embarrassed but out of consideration for others we take care of our life because somebody has to pick up ends up picking up the pieces or dealing with it so out of consideration for others and also as an expression of our understanding. So with that spirit you know doing Soji with this spirit of Suzuki Roshi said something about cleaning he Suzuki Roshi they had wood burning stoves and there was lots of soot and he threw himself into scrubbing off the layers of soot and and then he says then I felt some joy in cleaning the smut off the pans in this way each of us must have some vow then we will find joyful mind and big mind and kind mind when we clean

[45:05]

because of our vow we will find that we are kind to everyone instead of angry that is bodhisattva mind so to have some vow in terms of our doing these jobs rather than why was I asked to do you know why did she give me the bathroom assignment again I've already had it five times this week or why do I have to do that or why give a job to me when that person is enthusiastic about it why did I get it those kinds of questions but to have some vow that's included in your whatever it is whatever job you're doing cleaning or serving or hitting the bells washing dishes when there's a vow there's this joyful mind compassionate mind or parental mind

[46:07]

big mind those are the three minds of the head cook those arise Suzuki Roshi is saying those arise from that having a vow rather than being angry that you're asked to do that so it's kind of shifts all what used to be menial work gets shifted into joyful work so the kitchen is now leaving what time is it it's almost 11 okay so just in reading this book Crooked Cucumber I've been I've had this washed over been washed with the feelings of what I remember and as someone recently said to me well I was alive when Suzuki Roshi was alive but I'm not going to trot out all my stories and you know as you know what I was saying about the shine

[47:09]

you know getting the shine from your your teacher you know taking part in the shine but I've been so moved by remembering there was there was just a few times when I met Suzuki Roshi and they talk about it in this book how he was with new students which I was so I just wanted to tell this story because it's been so inspiring to me and helped me to kind of think again about how I want to be with new students who come to Green Gulch in 1968 when Zen Center was at Sokoji I came to be a guest student for a week although there wasn't a guest student program it was just you could come and stay across the street and sit zazen with the other people there was no residential building and the first morning I came to sit at Sokoji and they talk about it in the book that's what reminded me it says well I'll tell you what happened to me and then what the book says so I was sitting there and there was like a balcony for new students

[48:10]

outside of the main meditation hall and a kind of a divider a wall and I was sitting there I remember exactly what I wore it was a madras jumper very kind of a like a smock it was kind of really wide so I could cross my legs really easily it was my sitting dress and I was sitting there kind of excited about being there and then there was this little face next to me and there was Suzuki Roshi's face saying move you're too close too close too close to the wall move back so I nobody had ever talked to me before in zazen I'd been sitting kind of on my own with a little group so I moved back and then he sort of adjusted me a little bit and I remember thinking and that's what the book says he always with new students would do some hands would touch them and do a little posture adjustment and connect with them a very new student

[49:11]

just walked in the door and that's what happened to me and I remember that face in the dark sort of hovering and sort of taking care of me so that was very that was this little tiny contact you know and I know others here I know Tim has stories about Suzuki Roshi and others do as well and this book is chock full of them you know but remembering what it was like to be 20 years old and doing this exotic thing coming all the way from Minnesota to San Francisco and then this person really I felt they were really interested that I sit properly you know like it mattered so what I was reflecting on is that now we have programs and people who are assigned to take care of the guest student the guest student manager and we so do I do each one of us feel responsible

[50:12]

to meet with the new students show them that it matters that they're here or are we am I too involved with kind of my own stuff and all the business what I have to do how important that is I think that kind of hands on connection it was brief you know so helping each it just revived my wanting to be involved in that way with students and then the other story was about the forums and this was after I had come back to Zen Center and was living in the building this was in 1971 we had Page Street and Suzuki Roshi's last year of his life but I didn't know that we didn't know that and I was shoten I was supposed to hit the densho bell in the morning for the time drum and bell and I was my first time hitting you know playing the instruments

[51:12]

I had been trained and I remember what I was wearing too I was wearing a long print skirt that I had made with a drawstring so I could untie it and an olive green sweater that was my Zazen outfit anyway so I was standing there by the densho very I was bound and determined to do it right you know you have to wait for the thing and then you hit and Suzuki Roshi came down the steps with his Jisha his attendant who was Catherine Thanos he came down the steps of Page Street down to the basement there and I was standing in Shashu with all my might you know waiting for the signal and he stopped the bottom of the stairs and bowed to me but I hadn't nobody said that that was going to happen so I just stood there and then he bowed again and I just stood there and then he said bow so I bowed

[52:15]

and then off they went so you know I was holding Suzuki Roshi said this thing about being stopped in the middle of the ceremony and trained how to do it right in the middle of a memorial service allowed him to be to learn how to do something without preparation without fully being instructed to be ready to kind of pick up on what needs to happen and what without much preparation to be enough present that you can do the next thing so I was kind of holding to the form of you're supposed to stand there and you wait for such and such to happen and I was bound and determined to do it the right way and then in the middle of that this spontaneous thing happened which I was bound and determined not to respond to you know didn't know what it was you know so

[53:22]

so how to be a good disciple in the lay ordination it says oh good disciples of the Buddha you know will you keep these precepts you know even after you attain enlightenment oh good disciple of the Buddha so that question what is it to be a good disciple of the Buddha or or anybody else is I just offer that today thank you very much intention

[54:18]

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