So here we are again, Sunday afternoon. So I wanted to begin this evening by sharing with you a really remarkable experience that I had on Friday night, where I was greeted warmly by many people who said to me, Shabbat Shalom. I'd been invited by my friend, Rabbi Stacy Friedman, to help celebrate her 30th anniversary as the rabbi at Rod of Shalom. which is here in Marin. If any of you have ever been there, it's a beautiful place. And they are actually building a new synagogue right now. It should be done by this summer. And it looks like it's going to be amazing. So I've gone to this temple up there in Marin for many years to celebrate the High Holy Days at Stacey's invitation. And on one special occasion, Simhak Torah, which is... an opportunity to dance with the Torah, which I did. They handed it to me, giant scrolls, and I got to dance with it and pass it on to someone else.

[01:16]

It was a very joyful event. So I've also gone to grieve the loss of dear friends of ours who I met and practiced with as members of the Marin Interfaith Council. So Hindus and Christians and Buddhists and Jews, you know, together, Muslims. So the Interfaith Council is where I met Stacy over 20 years ago, and also Sister Marion Irving, who you haven't, if you haven't met her yet, she is a total character, and Carol Hovis, Reverend Carol Hovis, the Presbyterian minister, and many other like-hearted people who really care for their traditions, particularly those living here in Marin that I got to know. So on arriving at Rodef Shalom, I was expecting and feeling inside of me that there would be a lot of grief. And certainly there was. But what I didn't expect was how they were celebrating in the midst of that grief. You know, this most recent arrival of violence and struggle is nothing new for the Jewish people.

[02:22]

It's their story. And they spoke about it, and they chanted about it during the celebration. that of that longing to find a place, you know, or a land where they can live in peace and in safety. And although as we all know, peace and safety are very tender and transient conditions for all humans throughout the world. Still, I think we all long for such a place, such a way of living. So still in hearing them recount the ancient stories of exile and torment, it really made me appreciate how protected my own life has been. as a child born in this country of white Anglo-Saxon Protestant parents and now as a Buddhist, a priest and a member of the Zen Center community, I have been very safe and clearly privileged in being so. So I'm telling you this because what really struck me was the incredible and essential value of community for them and for me.

[03:23]

And one of the women who I spoke with that evening said to me that her husband had died seven years ago and how hard it had been for her being all alone after all those years. And yet she decided she would start going to temple every Friday night, which she hadn't been doing for quite a number of years during her marriage time. Now she's on the board of the temple and she knows everybody in the room, which was well over 300 people, including all of those online, which was another I don't know how many. how many people. And then she said how deeply grateful she was for being given this community of shared faith and shared ancestry. She wasn't alone. So I wanted all of you to know that being part of community, and even this little one that we've spawned here online, can be so important to each of us as the troubles come. And I was thinking of that old song by James Taylor, you know, you've got a friend. And I think that's true.

[04:24]

We have friends, friends who can share their affection in our community for the Buddha, the Dharma, the Sangha, you know, what's called the triple treasure, which is the glue that sticks us together as a Sangha, a pretty large one, you know, throughout the world. And I hope that you all feel sticky with all of this as well, that it sticks to you and it gives you the feeling of belonging. I wish that for you. So here's some more glue for this evening from our own family of teachers, Dogen Zenji being certainly one of them. Last week we had begun looking at Dogen's instructions for the head cook called the Tenzo Kyokun, and down through the part that reads, The rules of purity for Chan Monastery says that if the six flavors of cooking are not provided, then it cannot be said that the cook has served the assembly. When examining the rice, first check for sand. When examining the sand, sifting from the rice, first check for rice.

[05:27]

If you pay careful attention to detail, watching when coming and watching when going, then your mind cannot be scattered, and the food will naturally be replete with the three virtues and endowed with the six flavors. After which, as I said, I would share with you the Zen Koan that Dogen includes following this instruction about checking the rice. and checking the sand. So here it is. When Shui Feng resided at Dongshan's monastery, he served as the cook. One day when he was sifting the rice, Master Dongshan asked him, are you sifting the sand and removing the rice or sifting the rice and removing the sand? Shui Feng said, sand and rice are simultaneously removed. Dongshan asked, well, what will the great assembly eat? Xuefeng overturned the rice bowl. Dongshan said, in the future, you will go and be scrutinized by someone else.

[06:31]

So this instruction about the rice in the sand gave Dogen this opportunity to tell this story about our Chinese Zen ancestor, Dongshan, who is in this Dharma conversation with the Tenzo of his own community by the name of Xuefeng. And here's the story again. This is from the, I think it's from the Book of Serenity. So one day, as Xuefeng was washing the rice, Dongshan happened to pass by and asked, do you wash the sand and pick out the rice? Or wash the rice and pick out the sand? Sand and rice, according to one commentary, represent right views and wrong views, or the ultimate truth and the relative truth. Ri and Ji. Xuefeng replied, I wash and throw away both the sand and the rice together. Then what on earth do the residents eat? Dongshan pressed again. In reply, Xuefeng knocked over the bucket of rice. On seeing that, Dongshan said, the day will come when you will practice under another master. So same story, little bit of variation.

[07:33]

So what Dongshan is telling the Tenzo is that his expression of understanding is okay, knocking over the rice bucket, that's kind of a Zen thing, right? Like Chouan, if you recall, in the story of Lord Tendai in the tea bowl, who when invited to tea by his Dharma brother, and Lord Tendai is the first guest, Chawan expresses his understanding by smashing the precious tea bowl that had been given to his friend, his fellow monk by Lord Tendai. So that's a gesture, it's kind of a thing, you know, deconstructing, you know, not having anything be precious or more precious than anything else. At the same time, Xuefeng is not behaving with respect for all things, and neither was Zhou'an in the story of the tea bowl, which is at the very heart of Dongshan's own understanding of Zen and of our succession, our lineage, our succession as Soto Zen. So as it turned out, Xuefeng did go on to study with another Zen master, one by the name of Deshan, who is in the lineage of Rinzai Zen.

[08:39]

a school of Zen you may all have heard about, which uses very dramatic gestures, and that one in which Suifeng had made himself as Tenzo under Dongshan. These kind of gestures are not unknown in the Rinzai tradition. So along with knocking over cooking pots and breaking tea bowls, Rinzai masters, as far as I know, I've never really studied with one, although I've met a few, They still employ a variety of vigorous teaching methods, such as shouting at the students or hitting them, and they also have mastery of many of the Zen arts. They're quite popular for the Rinzai teachers, like archery and kung fu, and also Zen art forms which some of us practice, like the tea ceremony, like flower arranging, calligraphy. All of these were highly developed among the samurai class of medieval Japan. So a Soto Zen teacher, on the other hand, the Zen of Dongshan, of Dogen, and Suzuki Roshi, and Bi, has been characterized as more gentle and rustic in spirit.

[09:43]

There's a saying that Rinzai is for the Shogun, and Soto is for the farmers, which helps us to understand why we grow vegetables here at Green Gulch Farm. And yet, whichever of the Zen traditional schools you find yourself drawn to, once you are sent to the kitchen, which is Dogen's primary admonishment, is just the same. The way seeking mind of the Tenzo is actualized by rolling up your sleeves. The way seeking mind of the Tenzo is actualized by rolling up your sleeves. So a saying that echoes a very famous Zen statement by another of our ancestors, Bai Zhang Waihai, who is credited with founding the first independent Zen temple in China, a monastery that included work and farming, which was unheard of. And normal Buddhist monastics did not do manual labor in India or in many parts of China. And they actually had other people who were hired to do that kind of work. They basically read and sat meditation all day. So along with a number of rules for the establishment of a Zen monastery, Baijong was said to have declared to his monks, a day of no work is a day of no food.

[10:53]

A statement I have heard cited as part of the formation of our own Zen Center's monastic training requirements. You know, we do work. We all work. We've all had jobs since arrival at Zen Center and all kinds of jobs. And that's part of how the community works is that we all work. We take care of the temple together. Manual labor, administrative labor, you know, it's all the same. It's your Dharma position that you fill. Day of no work is a day of no food. So some of the other regulations Dogen cites and his instructions to the head of cook are still being followed at our very own kitchens. And such as, I've read these once not too far, long ago in a lecture, but I'll share them with you again. One of them, first one is to take care to cover the pots of food lest a mouse should fall in. So we still do that. We have lots of mice in our kitchen, so we still carefully cover the compost buckets and the soup pots and so on. Number two, under no circumstances allowing anyone who happens to be drifting through the kitchen to poke their fingers into the food or look into the pots.

[12:00]

This is also something we carefully regulate in the kitchen, you know. People may not come in and just taste the food or grab a muffin or any of those things, although late at night it's hard to control who's taking cookies. Number three, put the utensils that naturally go in high places in high places and those that would be most stable on a low shelf onto a low shelf. Again, very practical and common practice. Keep your mind on your work and do not throw things around carelessly. Number five, clean everything thoroughly of dirt and insects. Number six, keep your eyes open, not allowing even one grain of rice to be lost. Wash the rice thoroughly, put it in the pot. light the fire and cook it. There is an old saying that goes, see the pot as your own head and see the water as your own lifeblood. Number seven, when you go to your room, close your eyes and count the number of monks to be fed. So this is an instruction to the head cook.

[13:01]

Close your eyes and count the number of monks to be fed. Don't forget the elder priests or those who are living in single rooms, those in the infirmary or the newly arrived. And perhaps the most important instruction of them all, number eight, handle even a single leaf of green in such a way that it manifests the body of the Buddha. This in turn allows the Buddha to manifest through the leaf of a green plant. And then as Dogen goes on to say in his instructions to the cook, in the past eminent men in possession of the way practiced in this way as cooks, working energetically with their own hands. In this latter day, how can we, who are so late getting started in our practice, be negligent about this? The ancients said that cooks regard tying up their sleeves for manual work as the way-seeking mind. Lest there be any mistakes in the sifting out of rice and sand, you should examine it with your own hands. The rules of purity say when preparing meals, one should reflect intimately on one's own self.

[14:06]

The food will then of itself be pure and refined. Keep the white water with which you have washed the rice. Do not wastefully discard it. In ancient times, they used a cloth bag to strain the white water and used it to boil the rice when making gruel. Having put the rice into the cooking pot, pay attention and guard it. Do not allow mice and the like to touch it by mistake, nor any covetous idlers to examine or touch it. When cooking the vegetable side dishes for the morning gruel, also prepare the platters and tubs used for rice and soup and so on, as well as the various utensils and supplies that will be used for that day's midday meal. Wash them so that they are completely pure and clean. Placing up high those that belong in high places and putting down low those that belong in low places. High places are high and level. Low places are low and level. Treat utensils such as tongs and ladles and all other implements and ingredients with equal respect.

[15:08]

Handle all things with sincerity, picking them up and putting them down with courtesy. When you have finished, think about the ingredients for the next day's meal. First, pick over the rice, and if there are any insects, green beans, hulls, or pebbles, carefully pick them out. While picking over the rice and vegetables, the postulants should chant sutras and dedicate the merit to the kitchen god. Next, select the ingredients for the vegetables and soup and cook them. Do not argue with the store officers over the amount of ingredients that you have received. Without worrying about their quality, simply make the best of what you have. It is prohibited to show your feelings or say anything about the amount of ingredients. So when I read through these Dogen's instructions to the Tenzo, I really find myself transported back to the many years I spent in the Zen Center kitchens, several of them as Tenzo, in fact, many years of ordering food and saving the scraps for the compost buckets and cleaning pots and cooking utensils, picking the things out of the rice and out of the beans.

[16:16]

If any of you ever worked in the Zen Center kitchen, there's this wonderful thing we do of going through the beans before you cook them, looking for pebbles, because you don't want anyone biting on a stone. you know, in their bean soup. So you basically, it's just this kind of like, almost like a game you play of just carefully moving all the beans and looking for the stones. And little by little you get a little pile of stones, which is very gratifying at the end of quite a long time of picking through several gallons of beans. And then you calculate the number of people likely to show up for the meals, which at Green Gulch can be quite a few, especially on the weekends. And then serving the food and planning out what needs to be done for the start of the next day. You know, really it was the closest, I didn't have a child at the time I was 10, so that came later, but it was the closest I could imagine to being a parent where there's no time off, you have to have food ready and be prepared to feed a lot of hungry people, you know, every day. so uh that's just what you you that's just your job that's your job and it's i remember the first meal that i went out to look at on the table serving table after i was no longer the tenzo and i thought god that looks good it was just this beautiful table of food i had nothing to do with absolutely nothing all i had to do was get a plate and eat it was amazing so

[17:40]

Dogen also says that if the Tenzo or any of the other officers of the temple, like the guest student manager or the director or the farmers and the gardeners, if they throw their energy into the work of the day, then both the activity and the method will naturally nurture the seeds of the Buddha Dharma. Just taking care of the unique functions within each Dharma position enables all the residents of the community to carry on their practice in the most harmonious way. And on the other hand, as Dogen laments, when we fail to take care of things in a wholehearted, respectful and considerate manner, as in the case of caring for food, then we eat the same way as animals eat, with no concern for how the food is made or how it comes to us. So that's this portion that I wanted to share today about the Tenzo Kyokun and wanted to open our... up to a conversation, maybe a little longer today than usual. I have been doing some very long lectures, one yesterday, one the day before, and another one tomorrow, for a program down at Stanford that is quite wonderful.

[18:54]

It's called Contemplation by Design. Contemplation by Design is a whole list of various teachers of various things, neurologists and doctors and and dharma teachers, which was kind of exciting that they included meditators in their program. So I, I've been enjoying actually preparing things to say about Zen practice for that crowd of folks down there. So we'll see tomorrow's my last last time speaking to them. So then I can sort of see this kind of open field laid out ahead of me, not that much left. The open field is leading to, as I've been talking about over the months, to my move to Healdsburg in March to transfer our energy and our practice up to Enso Village. So a lot of us, some of us are going soon. Some of my good friends will be gone.

[19:54]

As I said to Reb recently, it's like becoming like a ghost town of memories. You know, people I practiced with for close to 50 years now are going to be gone. And then I'll be gone. And then Reb and Linda will be gone. And all of us who have been together a long time, assuming, just will be there. You know, just like every day, there you are. sitting together. And at some point, not too long from now, that's going to change. So that's part of the truth that the Buddha taught, transiency. There is nothing, there is no place or no land of safety and security where we can count on living for the rest of our days. And what a blessing when such a place is possible, and how important that we all co-create that possibility for each other. You know, that's the best thing about community, that we can hold each other care for each other. So with that said, I really welcome you to offer whatever you'd like to today. Any thoughts about food or caring for things or any of the difficulties you might be having right now that you'd like to share, certainly welcome whatever you would like to offer.

[21:13]

Oh, Yang, please. I'm sorry. Yeah, I was hoping to get back to home by this time, but I think your lecture was shorter than I expected. Yes, it was. So I'm surprised. I'm still in school, so there's some noise. Can you hear me okay? Yes. Okay, good. Because actually, I wanted to say something about my... How I, you know, I guess entered the way of learning Zen because I didn't get to do it last time. Somehow the kids were at home. So it's okay if I say something about my path. Yes, please. I was going to ask for folks to do that. I'm glad you are stepping up. Thank you. Yeah, I kind of promised it last time. Sorry. Yeah, so I had a child. I think it's, you know, I grew up in China.

[22:21]

So my childhood was parents went into a pretty bitter divorce. And also in China at that time, there's this, you know, it's still now, you know, discrimination, gender discrimination against girls. It's better now that, you know, at my time, I was like regarded as, you know, basically not needed because I was the third one. I was also a girl in the family. So I think that was one of the main reasons my... Parents, divorce, still in my mind, I think we were kind of abandoned that way. So I grew up with my sisters and my mom. My dad left. And then, so from a very young age, I really wanted to prove myself. It's always about showing I can do it. I'm worth it. So I do really, I try really hard at school. And that's basically academic. Words is one way to show that, you know, in my delusional mind that I can, you know, I can prove myself.

[23:21]

So I came to the U.S. for my graduate study. And after my, you know, I worked really hard in graduate school and I got a good job in New York and I worked in corporate in New York for about 10 years. And I switched to a smaller firm now, which I think lifestyle is a little better. So along the way, I think I was always trying to find somehow, maybe in my delusional mind, I feel very, very, very, very small light saying I need to find a better way of life. Although, you know, I'm proving myself, you know, I'm not. Can you hear me? We lost you for about 30 seconds there. There's a little gap. So you said wanting to prove yourself and then a little bit of what you just said, I think we didn't hear. Yeah.

[24:21]

And I feel like even though, you know, I did well in school. Yeah. Okay. Can I maybe turn off my video? That would probably help. Does this help? Yes. Is this better? Keep going. I think so. Yeah. I'm sorry. The connection is not great. Yeah. Okay. So although I think I did well in school based on conventional standard and I got a good job, I still feel like there's something not there. My life, maybe, I want to find a better way of living. It's just somehow I have a lot of internal discussion and thinking about how to live a better life. And... So I find mindfulness when I was in the first job and there was an executive coach and she told me about how to communicate to clients and to make more money that way. Right. So, but then I said, I'm just not happy. There's anything else you can offer me? And she said, have you looking into mindfulness?

[25:22]

A friend of mine, you know, is like doing this thing in New York. That was like early 2006 or seven. I forgot maybe. Um, So it was quite early, and I started looking into that, and I find some of the messages very, very helpful, like really accepting how you feel, a lot of those messages. And so I started doing mindfulness meditation at JCC in New York, the Jewish Community Center. And I took those, I think, a few weeks course in mindfulness. And I really liked it. And I was doing that for a few years, but I always wonder why, you know, it's so helpful to me. So I looked in, I did a little research and I found a lot of those founders are, you know, they're Buddhists. So they're scientists or, you know, psychologists and Buddhists. Usually there's a common thread of being Buddhists. So then I got curious and I looked a little more into the Buddhist part. So I found, you know, Pema children because you give a lot of talks and, you know,

[26:24]

So I really liked her talk. But then eventually, you know, I got more serious because my dad passed away. You know, I always, you know, hoped I can go back to China, spend time with him. Maybe he meant some of the relationship, but I think when I just gave birth to my youngest child, I didn't go back to China. He died quickly. So that's the time I started to feel this very intimate feeling of impermanence. You know, to someone... just like gone and the next year my cousin died also in china you know i kind of grew up with him who's like two months older than me but he also died quickly because of cancer so the sense of impermanence made me really uh look deep into buddhism at that time i was just listening to all the audio and the video of my children i didn't have a teacher but i found her message very you know helpful to me And then eventually, during the COVID, I just find I want a little bit more.

[27:27]

I was talking to a friend who has been practicing Zen in China and Japan. He goes to a Heiji to practice every year. He said, maybe you need a teacher. And then I said, yeah, maybe I need a teacher. So I started looking around. And because I read a book by Suzuki, recommended by my children, man beginner's mind so i started to look around in san francisco zen center and i found the first video i still remember you know i just like i listened to that video about heart sutra because my friend you know he practiced and he was talking to me about heart sutra all the time i couldn't understand what he's talking about i'm like okay kind of helpful but you know it's not really going into my heart you know it's just a theory um but what you talked about in your video about like there's really like those experiences. You know, I don't know what you talked about. I don't remember. But somehow it just goes into my skin side. I feel like, oh, there's a little bit I can't understand.

[28:29]

I still don't fully understand, but you need that kind of feeling as human, right? Our delusional mind. We need something we feel like, oh, this is like sinking in with me. So that was the first time when I hear your video. So I went back to listen to all your, like maybe I think I started in... 2021, but I went back to your earliest video and I just listened to one, each one, and listened to all the recording, all the questions. It's just so helpful. And then I, you know, I was able to luckily join your class and I was able to get your teaching more. But now, you know, now I'm going back to listen to all those previous videos again because it's such... systematic teaching of Buddhism many times. It's just, I think my life is forever changed because of this.

[29:29]

It's life saving. Yay. Thank you so much. Thank you. Sorry, my hand is holding. Yeah, my hand is holding my phone so I cannot do the two hands. Good for you. Thank you. Thank you, Yang. You take care. It's so good to see you as always. Yeah, thank you for sharing. Thank you. Dean, well, you've been lost soul. Lost soul, yeah. I suddenly had Sunday evenings that kind of, for some reason, decided that things had to happen on those evenings. So hopefully I'm back to a little bit more. Welcome back. Thank you. You know, there's not a lot of talk. And I think about it when I think about the instructions to the cook about how, you know, there is a lot of talk about others and supporting others and helping others.

[30:39]

But somewhere in instructions to the cook, something's mentioned about helping others helps our own selves. And I remember talking to someone at some point saying, Well, if I'm good, there's a much better chance that if you're around me, you're going to be good. And I'm curious. And they kind of looked at me like, well, that's a little arrogant, isn't it? Well, trust me, if I'm doing pretty good, it's going to be a lot better for you, too. But there is that whole thing of that. There is this. We're not looking for the benefit for ourselves. But there is the benefit for ourselves and that benefit enriches everything. So I'm curious why there's not. I'm curious about your thoughts about why there's very little said about.

[31:44]

That, you know, we're also helping ourselves and if that could possibly because that, you know, being so myopic. we're automatically going to go there anyway, so we don't really need encouragement. So I'm curious your thoughts about that. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. That's kind of where my mind went first when you said it was like, well, it's pretty natural to think about yourself. That seems to be the cure that we're looking for is to get over that, right? So I think the emphasis is really on turning the light around. First of all, turning the light of your awareness around to see what's going on in here. which a lot of people don't even notice that they're thinking and they're feeling and they're acting on their, they're just doing the world, right? I'm just doing the next thing that needs to be done without necessarily noticing what is the mechanism by which they're living. Like, how did you decide to do that? Where did that come from? What's your conditioning and so on. So turning the light onto yourself is step number one. That's Dogen's big instruction.

[32:47]

You know, study Buddha way, study the self that you think you are. So that takes a lot of time. you know, then takes a lot of discipline, because we forget, we keep going outside, we keep looking over there for the clues or for the excuses or for the blaming or whatever it is. So beginning to really self reflect. And you know, it's one of the things we say in the practice committee at Green Gulch is about the new students is like, oh, she's starting to self reflect. It's like a big deal. It's like, and we can tell, you can see how that's starting to happen, you know, beginning to say, gee, I noticed I was blah, blah, blah, you know, good, good. So part of that process of training yourself to be really aware of your own thoughts and your own feelings and the actions, the impulses that come from that is really primary. It's not with judgment. It's not about, oh, that was a bad thought, or that was a good thought. It's more like, just what is happening? Really curious, deeply curious. And of course, then that goes forward to then, and who are you?

[33:48]

And how am I impacting you? I wanna know if there's something here, because I am studying the impact that I'm having on those around me. So please help me with that. So we can be like mirrors reflecting each other's virtue, really. And I think that's what community is so wonderful about, You know, it's like giving each other, you know, a lot of space and a lot of very gentle, mostly gentle comments. You know, we don't slam people. We really give them time, a lot of patience to find out for themselves, you know, that idea of like, it's mine, it's my doing and so on. So I'd say it's just a really a process of patience, like with children, raising children. you know, and giving them clues and encouragement and so on. And little by little, I see people change, you know, if they stay with it. I think a lot of it, I don't know what happens when they leave. I have no idea, you know, I don't follow them out the door. So if they leave, I really don't know what happens.

[34:49]

But those who stay for a while, I can really see the transitions. They may not feel it. You know, you may not feel your years of practice. I don't feel my years of practice. It's just like today, this thing happened, right? But I can reflect back and have people tell me, oh, God, that's different. You used to get really blah, blah, blah. It's like, oh, yeah, that's right, I did, didn't I? So I think it's a matter of just staying alert and awake and committed to this vow that I do want to live for the benefit of others. That includes the I. I want to live for the benefit of others. How do I live in such a way that that would be true? So I think it's always the dance between the object and the subject who are not separate, but we think they are. So we're always trying to figure out how to not step on each other's toes and get a nice little spin in there in the meantime. How do we do this in a way that results in joy and support and love for one another?

[35:55]

Just do it. Just keep doing it. Speaking of that, this is something that has already been, this is quick. So what happens with this group when you are not at Green Gulch and you are in Enso Village? Speaking of being self-focused. Yeah, well, me too, I'll tell you. I'm planning to request, I think I've been told it would very likely happen, to keep this channel. you know, Sunday 5 o'clock, I would like it to be mine. And since I'd like it, I'd like to own it. I want a copyright on this time and this channel. And if not, I'll have my own Zoom. I'll just create my own Zoom link and invite you all to come over there if I can't do the Zen Center one. But I think they'll probably let me do it. I mean, it's a retirement benefit or something. I think they probably will. I mean, it's got your name on it. That's got to be worth something.

[36:59]

That's right. It's more trouble to take it off than to leave it. Thank you. Thank you. Good to see you, Dean. Melissa. Oh, yes, I mute myself. Hello, everyone. Hello, Fu-sensei. So, um, Actually, I just wanted to, if I might, perhaps riff a bit on some themes that are connecting from today's this evening's talk and Tenshin Roshi's talk earlier today and just my own self-reflection. What I feel coming through is with Tenshin Roshi's lecture this morning, I the idea of letting go of duality just really hummed for me. And I felt it felt like a turning.

[38:03]

And, you know, he was speaking about, you know, the non duality between war and peace and the non duality between awake and not awake and all of all of the ways that one can free oneself by letting go of of judgment of duality and then when you were talking this evening about the congregation rhoda shalom um i you know it obviously brings to mind the conflict in the middle east and my own personal relationship with um members of that congregation and and it got me thinking about a little bit about the shadow side of community um that sort of uh us versus them and uh uh you know that that kind of human tendency to to want to define your community by that which you are most similar to and that you understand the most and yeah and then and you were talking about community and then you were talking about the tenzo kyokun and one of my favorite lines and i still don't know why it's one of my favorite lines but you put

[39:19]

the things that belong in the high places and the high places, and you put the things that belong in the low places and the low places. And with my very Western mindset, I think of the things of the high places having greater status than the things in the low places and that kind of discrimination again. Right. So I don't know if there's a question in there, but I'm just riffing on these ideas of things having their place. And yet that place defines. an in-group and an out-group kind of inherently? And how do we as humans deal with that natural safety seeking within our own community? Thank you. That's such a timely question, right? I mean, the pain of that question from all sides. for the Palestinians, for the Israelis, for everyone who's talking about it and thinking about it and trying to decide, what side am I on? I mean, there's this big banner showing up on my computer, like, which side are you on?

[40:22]

Which side are you on? And I'm like, oh my God, you know, the pain is everywhere. And, you know, I have... my own tiny morsel of it in my own life, losses and family members and deaths and so on. But the global level, the level of your whole community or your whole country or your whole whatever, you know, I don't I can't look very far around the globe to not see that happening. Whether it's headlines or not, it's happening all over every town in every place California and you know San Francisco and there's the homeless and the people with homes and there's this and that so like you say there's all these divisions and I think the thing I was most struck by was my own privilege you know that I actually have been born into this very privileged situation which is very hard to see because it's not coming at me You know, it's making way for me. It's always made way for me in a way as a person of a class of people who have made way for themselves.

[41:23]

You know, my ancestors were made sure that they had a way for themselves. So that power, that kind of power that cultures have taken over in empires and it just goes on and on and on. This is not new. These patterns aren't new. They're ancient. since the humans first ran into each other on the hillsides of you know outside of africa when they were moving out of the rift valley together they've been finding this not enough space for us and you you know so it's ancient and it's also the very center of the buddha's insight it's just not so you are my brother you're my sister we are family we're just one family with all living things not just humans that's another one oh the humans you know well okay that's one little subgroup but what about all the other living creatures that the humans are harming so you know we have to take a stand i think toward reducing harm toward ending suffering i think that's the vow that i've taken that i take to heart and you know has barely been tested other than mentally

[42:33]

You know, how much have I been forced from my home or not given food or anything else like that? You know, I just read the news, you know, and it's grim. It's been grim my whole life, but it hasn't come to my home, right? So I have to be careful not to fall into thinking, you know, oh, well, I wouldn't do that or I don't know about that because I haven't been tested. And, you know, maybe... I don't know what more to say, other than I do think about it a lot. And I try not to hate anyone. I do have feelings about right and wrong, you know, that just seems wrong. And, and I can say so, you know, about things I think are wrong. So, you know, and We are of a tribe, a tradition that basically is all-inclusive and is not trying to form those kinds of subgroups of better and less. And yet they've done it too. The Buddhists have done that.

[43:34]

Women aren't allowed in here and all this stuff. So, you know, whatever identity you have, there's some part of that that has been left out, you know, that isn't welcome. So... As a lesbian, you know, I have felt that that should be a secret. I shouldn't, no one should know that because wonder if they won't like me or think I should, you know, I don't know what, be imprisoned or worse. You know, I feel like there's danger in having being who you are. And so how to live that and not be so afraid. not be afraid to and to find those others who, who maybe don't have community or don't have companions, you know, to walk with to be with, and so on. So I felt very honored to be with the folks that wrote up Shalom, I could feel their pain when I walked in the room, you know, of course, I have it too. And I also heard them talk about it for, you know, the millennial, it's millennial pain.

[44:40]

So And then there's now and what's happening. As the Pope said not too long ago, who am I to judge? That was one of the best things he said. Who am I to judge? I thought, well, if it's not you, I'm glad, then there's nobody. So I'm sorry that's my own riff. That's probably as much as I can come up with right now. But thank you. Thank you, Melissa, for caring deeply, which I know you do. Helene. Hi. Hi, everybody. Good evening, Sangha. I want to be able to see everybody. Okay. One of the things that I was thinking that Melissa's comments kind of freed me to say was that I'm Jewish.

[45:43]

And I have a very hard time without taking into consideration the plight of the Palestinian people. So to mention the pain of the Israelis is true, but I think the Palestinians have really not brought this on themselves. And I'm real concerned about... all of the people who are dying. And I realized lately how my conditioning has changed since I was a little girl who was brought up buying trees to make the Negev green. And my hopes and aspirations for a beautiful land where everybody could be like we weren't during the Holocaust. And so I no longer feel that way about wanting my own people to be in better condition than other people.

[47:02]

I mean, for me, the suffering is... is everywhere and with everybody. And I understand certainly that even though I don't feel particularly connected to being a conservative Jew anymore, even though I was brought up in that tradition, I just feel that it's, I lost my train of thought there. Even though I'm not a conservative Jew anymore, I feel like I have to open the way for other thinking. And for a long time, I considered being anti-Israeli or not pro-Israeli. I considered it anti-Semitism.

[48:05]

And I no longer do at all. I think what you say about... how difficult it is to live as a Jew historically. I've already made the decision that I will die with my people if push comes to shove, that I would not look for a way out. It's like, take me first. But nevertheless, I have broken with my conditioning on seeing things from a certain point of view. And the mention of of Rodolf Shalom kind of caught me by surprise because I'm not used to thinking of the situation without thinking of the Palestinians. So I felt that, you know, and the news media right now is being very pro-Israeli.

[49:10]

And So I just felt like not here. Here we're pro, not, you know, I mean, Hamas is horrible, et cetera, et cetera. But I think that that's one thing. And, you know, just because they say that Hamas hides their missiles around the people and uses them as human shields, Israel just ignores that and goes after the spots anyway. So I don't see how one is any better than the other. And it's such a long battle. I mean, it just goes 5,000 years back and

[50:13]

You know, and I think everybody has been a slave. If you. There was a list that I saw on on Facebook that somebody went to the trouble to say to talk about all the different tribes in the Bible who were enslaved. And it just turns out to be practically everyone. And I have a feeling that probably all people have a history of slavery in their genetic background. Right. And no doubtedly of being the masters. So I think we, like Thich Nhat Hanh talks about that. I am the pirate. I am the slave owner. I am the slave. And each lifetime, each of us have been each of these things. And to see that, you know, see the world from all those points of views, and to say, no, no, I will not.

[51:13]

I will not submit. I will not dominate. I will not harm. You know, that's a different vow, right? That's the vow, the bodhisattva vow. And I will, as the Zen master said when the samurai threatened to kill him, you know, don't you know I'm the one who can kill you? And the teacher said, don't you know I'm the one who can be killed? You know, if we actually can hold our morality and our ethics up, there's the shield. That's the only one I trust is the shield of goodness and kindness and generosity. And anything else just seems it feels to me as delusion is ignorance. And yeah, you know, forgive them, Lord, they know not what they do. You know, what a thing to say when you're hanging there on a cross. Forgive them. They know not what they do, but it's true. They don't know what they're doing, and that's the only thing. Ignorance is the only thing I can even hold as a reason why these things are happening. It's absolute blindness.

[52:14]

So we have to stay awake, Helene. We have to stay awake. That's our religion, the religion of being awake to all of it, the horror and the joy, and not throw anybody off the train. Nobody's off the train. Everybody has to come in together, and we have to hold it together. Yes. And it's a nightmare, and it has been a nightmare my whole adult life, one after another. Yours too, we're the same age. So we've been watching this from our childhood. And it won't end in my lifetime. But I'm not going to give up my faith or my tradition of practicing being awake, being kind, and including everyone. I don't know anything else to do. Yeah, we were talking about what Zen means to you in your life, and I really had to think about that because when I came across Zen, I just sat down and that was it.

[53:23]

I just really didn't think, why am I doing this? Nothing. It was just like, this is for me. Yeah. And I've lost my train of thought. I've been talking too much. I'm sorry. No, thank you for sharing your deep caring, which is what I hear. Thank you. Yeah. Hi, Dean. Do you want to unmute? I think you're on. Oh, I think it's Vermont Insight Meditation was next. Right, but you're Dean, right? That's Dean also? I think so. Well, you're muted, so I can't be sure. Drew. Drew. I knew it was a D. Anyway, hi, Drew. That's enough.

[54:24]

I've been called worse. Um... Yeah, when you talk about the kind of decorum in the kitchen, when you hit on don't show your emotion, it just was like clink on top of all the care and the concern, and then boom, no emotion. And that reminded me when I was at Zen Center, the final day, Blanche, Tenzo came out with her attendance and, you know, went up to Blanche, and Blanche said, what's the most important thing for the Tenzo? And she just said, to wake up. I thought that was a great answer, because of the two truths. You got to set the alarm. If you don't wake up, you're not going to make the food, plus you got to wake up. And then they all bowed, and they all bowed really low and walked really low all around. And I wanted to go hip, hip, foray. I mean, the food was so great.

[55:26]

And I was so grateful, but I could feel my emotions just getting suppressed, like not okay. And this is coming out off of a workshop I did a couple weeks ago by a guy named David Magdid, who really talks about therapy and Buddhism and the decided lack of, for many Buddhist teachers, of addressing the person's emotional life. He studied back in the heyday of Edo Roshan, all the stuff was going down, and a lot of his friends and what they went through. So as people are sitting, you know, studying Buddhism, but they're sitting on top of a ton of trauma, a ton of other issues that simply don't get talked about. You go in, you talk to your koan, The teacher never says, so how's the wife and kids? It's like, not in here.

[56:27]

And he's just, and I couldn't, you know, you've talked, if you don't mind me saying, about yourself and therapy and your thoughts about, I remember one teacher said back in the 60s, everything was therapy happy, experimental therapies, group therapies. People kind of moved from that not being enough to discovering Zen. or discovering Buddhism should have switched. People are into Buddhism and slowly going back to therapy because somehow... Yeah. That was my big revelation that when I first got into Zen, I think it was Thomas Merton said, one spiritual experience will cut through miles of mental emotional red tape. That's been my secret practice of waiting to and it hasn't happened it's like maybe today maybe maybe today but it's like i i guess it's you know what can you expect out of a meditation practice when you know the therapy meditation some comments on uh the coming together those two practices yeah yeah that's great drew

[57:48]

Well, I talked about that, actually, my own experience of having gone through a lot of emotion, you know, having an experience at Tassajara, I think we've all had experiences of kind of luminosity, whether it's drug induced, or, or inspired by sunset, or whatever it is, there's some kind of feeling of something really different, better, or whatever on the other side of the rainbow, you know, that that idea, and we've taught that as kids, you know, the other side of the rainbow, there's this magical land, and everything's going to be gumdrops and candy canes and so on. So we've been fed a lot of that since we were children, some kind of fantasy or heaven. I was taught that as a Christian child about heaven. So I think part of it, what has to happen internally is, for me Zen was really like a clean board, like a clean slate with not much on it. So you could really begin to see your projections. Like all of those things and feelings and ideas and wanting and everything else was just splashed up on the wall, that bare wall that you're sitting looking at for a week or, you know, week after week.

[58:59]

And there was something about that beginning to realize how much was production of my own mind, how much of that world I was producing just by... not noticing that it was my own thoughts it was my own feelings my emotionalized conceptions that i was living in as though they were true as as they were coming to me rather than coming out of me so i think part of what zen gives us is the silence and the space to really look self-reflect and listen for the sound of and the voice whose voice is that who's talking to me you know i am so a lot of it i think is is uh you know monasticism And I don't think the monks do go around, you know, they're not dancing. Much of the time they're really quiet and leaving each other alone. To have that time, which is pretty sacred and rare, to self-reflect, to be alone with others. I remember Philip Whelan said, Zen Center is a great place for loners who can't stand to be alone.

[60:01]

So you know, you have this chance to be in the company of others who are doing the same kind of work you're doing of really trying to feel through their feelings, you know, without getting them on each other, because I mean, it's really tempting to sort of just hang out together and talk about how you're feeling and all that. And it was really nice in many ways to be left alone. So one of the things one of the stories I told this weekend was about being coming back from Tassajara having really thought I could find that crystal That thing that cuts through all of the problems, that kind of final accomplishment or realization. And then falling into a rather deep depression. Came back to the city center after years in the monastery. I'm like, well, that didn't do me any good. Here I am feeling really sad and unhappy. And as I told them my story, in the hallway was Brother David Stendlerost, who's a Benedictine monk, like Thomas Merton. Like he knew Thomas Merton. And there was Brother David being so sweet and kind.

[61:03]

And, you know, and I was crying. And he put his arms around me. And he said, oh, you're having a spiritual emergency. You know, you're going to emerge from this. And, you know, it'll all be great. And I was really encouraged by him. But I kept on crying. And then as I was going out the door of this, I was in the Page Street building, Reb Anderson's coming up the stairs. And he says to me, are you having a good time? which was absurd, you know, I was crying. But when he said that, it was so crazy that I started to laugh. And I could see for myself this conjunction between sorrow and joy, that they were right there, you know, I just switched from one to the other, right there, in a matter of seconds. And I could really feel how they're both being co-created. They're relational. They're in relationship to each other. One side and the other. One side is illuminated, the other side is dark. And then really beginning to understand a lot more about how this human mind flips one to the other, you know, back and forth.

[62:07]

And then without trying to eliminate either one, you're not trying to get to just luminosity. No one's saying that. Suzuki Roshi said, enlightenment is not something special. It's your everyday mind. It's the one you're having right now that you keep overlooking. Oh, it can't be that. It can't be this. It can't be me. No, it is. It's very much you in the moment, right? In each moment where you are. That is it. That is awakening because you're awake in the moment. That's the only time you can be awake, right? And so coming to terms with the teaching, going back over this text again and going, wait a minute, I think I misread some of this stuff. What I was longing for is not what was being offered. Not by the Buddha, not by Dogen, not by Suzuki Roshi, not by Reb. It's more like what's happening to you right now is happening. And there's no arguing. And just can you be in the middle of that, in the middle of the flames, without trying to make things different or better? Can you actually abide in the space where you are?

[63:10]

And that's the upright sitting practice. I think I can. I think I can. And I have, and you have, for many years, I have sat in the middle of things I don't like. Things I really like. And they both pass away. So, you know, just staying fresh with what is it now? What's happening today? What's the offering that today is giving you? You know, yesterday's gone. Tomorrow, it never arrives. So, it's always going to be now. You know, how is it now? How are you? What's the smell of the soup? What's the bread? What's the Tenzo's job? It's always right now, this meal. Not lunch, not breakfast, but this one. So that's a really good practice, cooking. You just do the dishes, and it's all over, and then you start over again. It's all I know. That's all I've learned in my years of wishing.

[64:13]

you know, for something really big. Really, really forever. No such thing. Thanks. Sure. Thank you. Hello, Kevin. Welcome back. There we go. Thank you for having me back, Phil. And thank you sound as well. Thank you for sharing that with us. I appreciate it. As I think of instructions to the cook, or as I try to digest it, pun very much intended, I think of offering nourishment. That's what a cook does. They cook and offer nourishment to others. But in this sense, it's the offering of kindness as nourishment and their actions. So in sorting out the beans from the rocks, as you said, didn't say just

[65:14]

cast out the rocks is to sort them carefully from the rice from the sand as well. And putting the pots at the bottom because that's where they're most stable and placing the ladles or what have you at the top because that's where they best fit. And not just doing that, but focusing on what you're doing at that moment at that time instead of the next thing. And once you're done with now, then you can plan the next day or the next course once that arrives. There were a few other things as you went through it. I was just very grateful that it was brought to and just wanted to openly reflect upon that. Wanted to make sure I was considering something that was around the target. You're right on. Right in the moseye. Yeah, I just felt that it was really beautiful. And I thank you and I'm grateful to be a part of it here because you all are here. And yeah, that's all. Well, Kevin, it's so good to have you with us. I hope you'll keep coming. It'd be really nice to continue the conversation with you.

[66:16]

Okay. Hello, Millicent. Far, far away. Not really. Hi, Fu. Hi, everyone. I've just got a small story that's arisen out of this deeply moving story. comments and conversations about what's happening in our world and just to share what is so far a really good news story, if I may. Could use one. Yeah. It's a bit like your experience of... David Standell Rust and then Rev Anderson, like this, where I might have mentioned before, but in Australia we've recently had a vote on whether to change our constitution to recognise the place of the Indigenous people.

[67:27]

And 62% of Australians said, no, no, we don't want to do it. So I have to live with my country folk who think that. And simultaneously with that is the horror of what's unfolding in the Middle East, the anguish of humans. I'm so moved by the statements of my fellow Sangha members today. So I was sitting feeling very despondent and hopeless and helpless with these big circumstances, these big things that feel so unkind, thinking, well, what can an old woman do? What can an old woman do? And then I thought, well...

[68:30]

I've spent a lot of time in Zen kitchens. I'm not bad at chopping up the veggies. So I've put my hand up and yesterday, only yesterday, I had my first shift in the town where I live. There are, as everywhere, homeless and hungry people. So this is a service offered to anyone who walks in the door, anyone. It doesn't matter if they're deranged or off their meds or even drunk and that sort of thing, as long as people are safe. But anyone who would like a meal receives a meal. And I was in the kitchen. You know, I've missed Sashin and I miss... being part of that whole group community work.

[69:34]

Because, you know, I'm single and I live alone. And I just have to say that while offering, and the food was delicious, like an ad, just like Zen Centre, so that was good too. But just the fact of, you know, just something simple like the cook tells you what to do and you say yes. It's so simple. And my fellow volunteers were all helpful too. So just doing things like shelling 100 hard-boiled eggs and making guacamole out of 100 avocados. So that kind of – anyway, I had a lot of fun. And I'm going to claim it.

[70:35]

I mean, that was shift number one. I'm going to claim it because I've always felt a bit creepy about do-gooders, people who go around doing good. And the fact that I actually received enormous... But I'm grateful to have been given the opportunity to stand in the kitchen with four other people and do the simple work of preparing food for hungry people. It's so simple. So simple. So anyway, that's my little story about responding to the horrors of the world, peeling hard-boiled eggs. Well, I feel it. I feel it. You've touched all around the world here in this group. You've got us all. joining you. It's beyond good. It's beyond good. Thank you for sharing that, Millicent. Helene, you want another shot?

[71:44]

Yeah. Am I unmuted? Yeah. When I was talking about what brought us to Zen, and it's got to do with the perfection of self. And we were talking in the practice period group that I'm doing, and one of the questions we were asked in small group was whether we were... kind of more drawn to talking about Dogen or more talking or more drawn to talking about the Paramitas. And I find that for me, I'm more interested in talking about the Paramitas because it seems like just the way to sit. And that

[72:54]

Basically, it's about the Eightfold Path. And I think I'm just drawn to that idea of the perfection of self in the spirit of reducing suffering. Yeah. Well, that's right. And that's your job. Yeah. to master the Paramitas is the Bodhisattva training program. And as you master the Paramitas, then you become Dogen. You teach about cooking and you teach about Dharma and you teach about, you know, the magic of the two truths and all of that. So, you know, he also was a young boy who didn't know anything, just like you and me, young girls didn't know anything. And then we learned little by little. and what we really care about, and that we're living what we care about in our own way, each of us in our own way.

[73:56]

And so I'm grateful. I know you're grateful for being on the path, having the path, finding your seat for no reason at all. I don't know why I sat there. I kept going every day. Why am I going here? I have no idea what I'm doing sitting here. I didn't even ask why. Yeah, I wondered, but I didn't know what to ask. I was embarrassed to ask any questions because someone said, those who ask don't know. Those who know don't ask. So I thought, well, I'm not going to be one who lets everybody know I don't know. So anyway, it took me a few years to start to ask. But meanwhile, I kind of got a taste for sitting quietly, you know, which is kind of amazing. It's really simple, right? Thank you, Helene. Thank you. For your parmitah practice. Maybe we've had a wonderful time, and I appreciate all of you so much. And I think it's 20 after 9 in my time zone.

[74:59]

So I wanted to offer you all a good evening or a good morning, depending on where you are, and hope to see you again in another week. And we'll do a little bit more of the Tenzo Kyokun, and then we're going to shift over to Uji. time being, which is Zazen and Parmitas and all of that wrapped into one short fascicle. It's an amazing one. Okay. You all be well. If you'd like to turn on your volume and say goodbye, please do. Thank you so much, Fu. Thank you. Thank you, Sangha. Bye, everyone. Thank you.

[75:42]

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