May 31st, 1998, Serial No. 01784

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Statements by Students (Part 2 of 2) and Blanche Hartman

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at of her and i had decided to take their your nation
but i went to talk to the suki roshi about some doubts i was having
i certainly
i'm not sure i wanna be a buddhist
i wasn't quite sure i agreed with everything necessarily that it ever been published under the made of brutus
and whether i could live up to it
and she said well do you want to take lay ordination
i said yes
he said okay go ahead and if you ever regretted you can blame me
i've never regretted it

in nineteen sixty eight i came to san francisco to spend some time at the zen center and i lived across the street from psychology and has has been said earlier there was a lot of very strange energy floating around in those days
and there was a lot of strain and strange energy also in the place where i was staying across the street
in particular there was one guy who was just really we couldn't figure him out and he was he was pretty disconcerting actually the i was kind of rattled every time i was around this guy and
said to me do you think this guy's a little strange and i said yeah i do think he's a little strange and he said well i think it's a little strange to and he he told me that he had been to a lecture
that suzuki roshi had given in which suzuki roshi demonstrated
the walk of a bodhisattva and the walk of the devil and so i'm going to demonstrate those two walks as they were demonstrated to me
this walk soccer

this lock down for

and sure enough this guy had exactly that walk
and it scared the hell out of me and it scared the hell out of this other guy to and he said you know maybe we should get outta here you can get pretty cheap rooms at the ymca and chinatown and so that we did we split so

during the show's cost ceremony i think
i asked as a hiroshi please ask me a question
and he said why are you so serious

on that same note i last night when we talk about joyful mind seem to me they were an awful lot of serious kinds of remarks but what i was thinking of what we talk about joyful mind was on and and mags wedding at tassajara
and this is a hero she's sitting there wearing bill lambert's big cowboy hat and that
and oaks i'm making a playful slap at him and him sending it off with this chopsticks and then later on there was this band leverage most pampling a keyboard and david was playing the guitar and singing and craig boy and was play
saying the drums and zucker ocean was sitting on the corner of the platform playing a kazoo
and i thought that was just delightful

i'm here this weekend because i have felt a connection to this man for a long time i think i first encountered him his book is and my beginner's mind and nineteen seventy two
and i spent a good part of the last
twenty some years running away from practice i would say
but i was attracted to it nonetheless and felt a very strong deep connection to japan and and graduated from school nearby nineteen seventy three i went to japan and top nursery school
the fall of seventy three and i was sitting in
the oce young i had a nursery school classroom that i lived at a stadium and were sitting in there are freezing nearby code tattooed readings and my beginner's mind and i felt a very deep connection to suzuki roshi and the book it was an open wound
and one day one afternoon in the fall nineteen seventy three
i decided i'm going to go visit this man i'm going to cost i want to go to this place it was in the window had a copy of a window renzo in
and then
i got on the the charlotte that the the surface train and took a train to
and i was nervous and but i felt connected on the less i went up to a taxicab
and the door was open which indicated that taxi cab was available and i went to the driver and i said do you know where this places doing so in and this arm came out to the back seat of the taxi cab literally grabbed my right arm and pulled me into the backseat and the stairs a bizarre
a priest from sergey in the backseat who is on his way to to visit you at
he was on his way to visit you at turin so in that day and it probably in the back seat he said i'm going there and your and obvious you're supposed to be going to differ
a and i was i was quite fun it was like i was i was quite shocked and
you are gone that that evening but i met your i think your life and
a very new baby says considering she should wrong okay and and he was like maybe if he was very four weeks old and i was just so happy to be there and i wandered around and looked at the mikael the the tangerine orchard in the back and won
nerd around the temple for a couple of hours but you didn't come you didn't get back and so i just ticket a cab or went back to the adventure we went back to hamamatsu for i was they
and there was as from their point i met know etc generosity and and then what to practice very briefly at untidy which is a an alternate practice center in kyoto and i couldn't sit worth a darn
real i thought i thought very strongly i thought for a higher slick i would try to get up early and go and i would like one point my first session i passed out and fell to the shoji which point i was very quickly escorted out of the zondo bites but by two months
and when i came to they said
yeah either sit or get out
and are taken his ladder recommendations seriously for guidelines
i wanted i just sit on my own at home and sometimes up go to public toxic green goals my my deepest connections etc of the last twenty years has been to go to the set in the morning talk so it was to go to this to really talks in san francisco and i wanted to have to give a different
a show to rub to them for
a statement from suzuki roshi just shared one day which helped me sit a great deal says simple that was the sizzix in please correct me if i get are they get ruin
suzuki roshi said
there is change and stillness but no movement
and that put that particular statement helped me to to
be more gentle with moving thirty thousand to thank you from

well i was very confident back there
this has to do again with
my awkwardness and m and river suzuki and and the
saga so
he asked me to do the mercutio for the honey i've had a with the sutra and i couldn't i could go bonk bonk bonk like a to gone this end with gong also

so i had a lot of streak but not much coordination so he said well come up and and that practice
in the evening as the afternoon when every have a chance so i will go up at one time he was fully around in the in the zinda with the altar was and i
had practice and practice practice and
finally he said come and have some tea
and so what happened is my legs are not like roshi suzuki's they are
accommodate my sitting and caesar in a different way they go numb
it had no feeling at all
so they said come and have some tea and and so i started to leans a little bit of the buco your he said don't touch the moko go
so he said i said but i can't feel anything it's numb he said just imagined your legs
that t look up look very far away
he said imagined and so i looked up he said don't look down
the and so he he had his of this opening this door but i didn't see it as a door that day but the communication was that i didn't feel fearful as the same time i was trepidation says you know like what is it happen
so i imagined these legs going down there and
and so i
stood up i had these imaginary legs lift me up
and a word
so then i imagined them walking
and they want
then there was a the the it was the altar with the us i believe a step-down it's to step down about this bar so i he said don't look down
so i have mentioned the at a words and work they work and finally i got some tea
so i think we're loved ones stories though
and that

i wanted to play a taper suzuki roshi which sure we don't have well with us
where he says that done something like the year
the essence of buddhism can be expressed in in japanese and two words and in in english and to be words and those in english it's the words not always so

jill has asked me to wrap this up by think it's been wrapped up and tied with ribbon many times already
i also want to tell a couple of stories of things which affected me deeply
in the short time to and a half years that i had to practice with suzuki roshi
i didn't go to see him adults song for quite a while because i was quite in awe of him the first time i ever heard him speak he said you're perfect just as you are and i thought well he doesn't know me
but then he said all these other things that i mentioned earlier i began to get it that he meant everyone without exception
and so i that was my on how can that be so
on and i had come to practice one of the reasons i didn't think that i e could include me was i'd come to practice on
after some twenty two years of marriage and discovering in counseling that
how selfish i had been in a certain way and this may and i was really overcome with are recognizing my selfishness
and so i was trying very hard to be unselfish
in the course is it there was someone at tassajara who i said to me as i left at the end of guess season before practice great don't forget to send care packages so i sent her in this meant cookies because it was macro biotic and there's no sugar down there and so i baked cookies and sent them down every time i heard somebody was going to toss them
sarah and i sent other things that i thought she would like and then i realized i was waiting for a response you thanks gy you read something and i was just overcome again with my goodness none of this has been generous it's been just more of that selfishness that
i seem to be
totally involved in and i saw it i finally in desperation went to see suzuki roshi in dope son and i told him my story and he said it's all right for you to take care of her
but first you have to take care of yourself
and he said was great intensity do you understand
and i responded yes but actually when i got out of there no
what does he mean first take care of yourself that selfish test when i was talking about zen is about know snuff stat became my corn for a long time he's a zen master and he said that so what does that mean what self do you take care of
if there's no self how do you take care of it is this taking care of them
it continues to be my call on all of the clients he's given me a i've never solved they continue to play cards from me
but he made me feel in that ducks on that it was all right to be why was
he completely every time i saw him made me feel that it was all right to be justice one
when i was in his presence but i couldn't maintain that feeling outside of it but in any event at the end of this stoke son i was so grateful to him
and i had never had dogs on before so i'd had this a brief description by the gisha of the forms and i knew i was supposed to step back behind them they sabaton and and myself who and
thou but i had this such a deep
ah gratitude i wanted to accept i wanted to bow i wanted to be that to him personally and directly with nothing in between us and didn't occur to me to step up on the zombie time bow i went around to the side and i found with my head to his knee out in on it without thinking that's just what hap
open and he was sitting there but when i lifted my head he was head to head with me on the floor he had jumped up and found and returned that thou because
he recognized i guess that it was
so that was maybe the most beginner's mind moment of my whole life
i just did what occurred to me without any thought and he responded in that way
and that was my experience of him he never allowed me to give him more respect than he gave me

so he was very encouraging to me when i was feeling inadequate and like a bad student but one day in a session i was feeling like hey i got it despite this i think i'm doing zazen well someone to tell of that
and he was very different that day he said don't ever imagine that you can sit so i said that's a big mistake zazen since i said
so maybe that's enough of my stories and now i'll get to my job of wrapping up
you know i wonder sometimes how i get to be so lucky
to have had the opportunity
to meet zazen and suzuki roshi
and my route teacher so jin weitzman and all of the many teachers who have been teachers for me
read lou richmond yvonne catherine many many teachers
and i haven't come up with any thing except just lucky i guess you know
just aren't we lucky to have met this teaching
and this person and all of these people and this whole family and so there is this enormous gratitude that wells up and me when i think of not just as the hiroshi but all of the people who preceded him and all of the people whose
succeeded him and who keep this practice going
for whoever comes along
who's lucky like ourselves as bumped into it and finds it meets
where they are at this moment
and there's a teacher you know this this this sort of standard dedication of merit that we do need about the work on our roku modern day i rifle we translate it may our intention equally permeate every being in place this a teacher in new york nakashima sensei who translates it
beginning may just compassionate gift be extended to all beings
and that's my deepest feeling and what i think is the legacy of suzuki roshi teaching
i think everyone in this room
ah is involved in extending this compassionate gift
to all beings and of course many many people who are not in this room
just from this lineage i tried to count up and i'm sure i left something out
there are at least
practice centers offering daily and practice
and many more small groups are of were there are weekly sittings available people sitting together on growing out of this lineage and with teachers coming from time to time to visit or maybe
with teachers' meeting with them every week
on there at least eleven which offer sessions practice periods ah
classes dharma talks
and these are just the ones that sitting here trying to count up the ones i know came to my mind there are at least eight which offer the possibility of residential practice
some with one piece your and some with many teachers
and i don't know actually how many students are involved
in all of these practice places just and at the three practice places of san francisco zen center alone there are about one hundred and fifty students in residence and many more who said zazen ah
some daily some occasionally some some two or three times a week some once a week
and that's just the three that i know of i know also that berkeley is outgrowing it zendo and has a waiting list for sessions and i think this is happening in the many places
as for the lineage
they're in and the first generation there is one teacher in this lineage in the west in the second generation there are at least seven that i can count up most of them were student in although their second generation they were
long time students as as and hiroshi
in the third generation i count at least the fifteen more and again many of those or long time students as as of hiroshi and now there are a couple in the fourth generation and there at least to my knowledge twelve or more we're actively working toward complete
ing their dharma transmission so the lineage is increasing in order to help
pass this compassionate gift
to all beings

this is kind of the formal extension of this practice
but for each one of us
who cares this practice in our daily life into how we meet people
ah in all of the ways in which we meet people
this practice is extended to all beings
i'd like to thank all of the many people who made this conference possible
and all of a many people
who are continuing to extend this compassionate gift to all beings
i'd like to or just make
yeah a dedication of merit i wish i would like if we've made to follow with the for bodhisattva vows and all being in the general echo of all buddhas ten directions from times
he was granted to do we offer the merit of our work at this conference and the effort of all who continue extending this compassionate give to all the genes may they have com practice and live
in peace and joy are many the
in number of ah to say
are inexhaustible ah
the door
it's are boundless
ah to learn her them but does way is unsurpassable ah to these mom it was a to
on the things bowtie his alma mater that was was
the was no maha
ha ha me

after the ecstasy there's a laundry
and would be very helpful if we had about the ten people who would stay behind and and maybe meet with her richard back in the back corner to help but move the chairs back and help with little bit of we have to to clean up so thank you for coming this weekend and may we all do it something like this again