May 30th, 2004, Serial No. 01043

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think that might feel too loud

hello hello

well oh debbie

in march of this year
something happened to me
and it was a ceremony that took twenty one days to accomplish
i'm not used to that sort of thing
oh and it was so
was really something every morning i get up before everybody else did at city centre and toward toward the the building and stopping at the all the alters their and offering incense and doing bows and chanting special
special chance
most of which i had no idea what i'm saying
this is working ok like i turned my head one way you know

and oh and also during while walking to the various alters as a special champ to
i do know that this from something called the sewing i'm sorry gama sutra but had no idea is still have no idea what but that was either but supposedly was very explicit be very good for the temple
then after that
then i had to bow to a full bone offer incense for each each of the names of the boot of the boot as an ancestors and are about nine am this the ninety third generation so there must be what i you
a lot there are a lot of them and so that meant doing about one hundred bows or so during during each day i finally caught on to do the the united some bows before breakfast
and then
and then i would spend a couple hours each day with my teacher and we go over all the secret stuff
and then when we got when we got done
through with that she said well what are you want to do i said i would really like to study cotto salami roshi is a written as he's dead now but when it was alive he was a real renegade and just a very feisty call a spade a spade zen master so we did that
and it was really great because some she was with read something very outrageous that absurd and should sit there and think for a minute that she'd say only know i i think that means such and such and oh yeah so my teacher
i wouldn't want to say this in public but my teacher offer think she doesn't have much to offer sometimes and just very very mistaken chez most amazing an intuitive mind so having not said that
the ceremony of twenty one day has finally ended by to to night ceremonies the last two nights and the first one was on
well you know i remember what it was about but there were four of us and involved all kinds of fun
words and motions and movements and things and sitting in a seat and people parading around me and stuff which it's very cool
then the second then we could then we get ice cream
the moon
then the last night was just between me and her and we did some business first more secret stuff and then she said ah well now the rest of this is just icing on the cake and what that meant it was them she gave me all the stuff i've ever needed for the rest of my life
one of these things
and a staff and a whisk course here whisk for a pretty and whole bunch of other things plus she gave me her
very very clear complete approval entrustment encouragement and almost snipping the apron strings if your it was the best rite of passage i have ever seen and certainly the only real one i've ever been in so
then i think i've found our society pretty much has done away with rites of passage and i'm quite sure why but tommy was really really nice to have one
so at the the result is that i've been acting funny
this from the ceremony and i suspect
what did i do oh i think one of the oh well i've been speaking out term
an uncommonly on the sort of late perhaps
in certain certain situations i did that a city centre but then i got down here and in may or may twenty fourth was my birthday
and i've been a zen center for sixteen years and have avoided the work circle the morning work circle for sixteen years so they wouldn't sing happy birthday to me the the that kind of spotlight and i would just feel humiliation
isn't that strange
but it wasn't strange to me it was a true thing one must avoid work meeting on your birthday
and so
i was sitting
yes i was sitting talking with some people and all of a sudden
a song dancing queen by abba
went through my head
and there's something about i don't know why that song that done i feel like i can do anything
like my saying too much
so it's a okay i'm going i'm going and i'm going to like it it's a matter of fact because i was already moving
which i usually don't do in public either so so went to the work circle and and that those who know me very well had apparently about they were going to say anything and so i was waiting there waiting for it okay i'm ready let's go and then so somebody else era you didn't know that particular thing about me said
scotia's birthday today and so they they sang the song and i really loved it i really liked it it made me move
the point the point of this is that i had i had a talk i'm prepared to give tonight and in thinking about it
see what happen and i taught at and i had a chance to talk with several people today that were really suffering really suffering and in the light of that my talk seemed
but as maybe too heavy or too exciting perhaps but i didn't suspect that it might touch them and so what i did was i said done well to hell with it
and i thought i would just come here and sit here and without the usually i have a desk here that helps break my fall should i
in decided know what i'm going to do that and what i'm really interested in is what tom
some of you
would like to hear about
so having said that
not not just not like tell us about on utara so i'm like somebody or especially not about the troubling chain of cover causation but something that
and if you're to about or i've asked to people already so i have some ideas so is there somebody has a something in mind
realize that
inc incomplete
that hear that someone else or something else is got to
fill that need it for us
make us company said that be masking tape when we realize that that's my
that me ourselves
that ultimately can fill that me
how do we start
go about figuring out
one acne is
so the question in so the question is when we feel needy and we want to fill that need with somebody else but we know that that's delusion how do we start
i suppose that time effects the soup ideas our lives
i'm glad you mentioned that cause
that's suffering that's real suffering
pluto or may not know up and i'm a great proponent of suffering myself i encourage it whenever i see it
the reason is on one one teacher put it done
enlightenment doesn't abolish suffering it depends upon it
okay so
so when one feels when as needy
what does one try to do you escape at once whenever whenever we experience suffering a week or even see it coming around the corner or smell it
we've tried to escape
and that of course is rarely a good idea
because the more we resisted the more powerful becomes and so in a case of being needed and think thinking that does somebody else can fill that hole
current home because i never ever ever works
and for a million reasons which i'm going to now but as far as i can see one has to deal with them with that whole which means entering into suffering hopefully with an open mind and a loving heart
because with any kind of hatred of aversion whole thing gets worse
so it comes down to can you stand yourself can you stand your actual life because this is your life
and as it's not easy somebody or somebody told me that down there are talking with somebody else and the other person said that you can tell if you're in the right place spiritually if you're at peace and happy both time
as well as those of you who have lived in community it would get the supreme joke of that i said i had
well i have one word to say about that and and it's not something i would say in public but i didn't say it there
ah now we're not here on we're not here to live to find the peaceful
untroubled life we're here to jump right into life and it in its fullness and that means you can we stand the joy can we stand the fear can we stand the pain we stand the grief can withstand that happiness can we stand the piece can we spend ourselves can we stand each other and can we stand that mosquito things like that so
in fact
since you've got me on a roll
there was a i would if i should say this but i will i work in the shop and we get think we kicked things like we get things called work orders and you can mark on the bottom whether they're urgent or kind of urgent and one of them involved a toilet seat that had broken off
in one of the guest cabins and the the cabin crew thought that might be a hardship for
some some person especially at night
and so
so my my plan was to take to one out of the men's dorm
and replace it because we didn't have a spare
and the idea was that time we we are training we are training to deal with them
suffering and when we don't expect that of guess
is there another one
october would you tell me the time please when when i need to stop thank you
where's jeremy
there you are say say it
you told me one earlier
how long i have another one that
oh who does
and you don't have one one one only one per customer sorry jeremy
well shoot i don't remember jerry
oh to to say it okay
like but ah
we have an ideal that we're striving for order the on your web
this is something out there that com
we have few it
right here
in the question is no
oh wait we do know when we do we are like that i am
ah i forget how i was
not too many years ago of thinking that done i wanna be somebody
all i know for sure is it's not this one
i had some sort of
i guess ideal course ideal as kind of
ah difficult thing because there is no such thing as an ideal means idea now and then terms it means mostly not real ideal is mostly not real it's a tiny bit rail but not much so i was thinking about this earlier in the context of my other talk
i was going to talk about dogan in his son
rules lenses and
one of the things he says it's outrageous is i have no designs on becoming a buddha
can you imagine such a thing
why would you say that
mean it seems that being a buddha would be a wonderful thing
whatever we think that is now but what a twist i don't know i can't speak for everybody but i think we probably think it's not me
it's something else at someone else preferably at a many centuries ago like saints in the church
legends and magic can also just that but but duggan's as and have no designs on becoming a buddha and i think with a lot of his instructions you have to realize where he's coming from because i'm sure i'm almost certain that he had incredible designs on becoming a buddha
just like in that same in that same piece he says don't go off to dusty rounds to study the way
or he also says don't rely on knowledge or chase chase after words and phrases if that if that were true to be taken literally we might as well just pack up and go home i mean you know if it does to your place than tessera
so i think and just and he just like gum most of the other founders
we turned out to be found in some the major religions did that those very things you know he went off to china to china you know here you know dared braved death a sea of japan to go to china and hand up the true teacher can we found after a while so he went on
after dusty rounds and what he found there with his teacher which was love at first sight and he awakened with this teacher after only four months
what he found enabled him to be able to say you don't have to go anywhere
so i think it's really good for us to remember sometimes you have to go a long ways to not go anywhere but he said that why leave the seat in your own home so for me the question who will aware his home where we were actually is home
i i think maybe we carry it with us
so anyway so to have a
an ideal of buddha i think it's very inspiring and it really helps because it offers it offers hope i think that offers i'm perhaps a relief of the needless suffering that we have so i think that's really cool the only problem is if you get too stuck to that oh yeah you're making it worse you're making your suffering work
rs because it's i want to be like buddha i'm going to do what i need to do to be buddha well as i has been the problem all along so the more i strengthened my risk my resolve my ego resolve the more in trouble i get
that makes sense
i'll have to be really careful with them
using something
for for fame or profit
to manipulate something like manipulating practice or manipulating buddha so that you can have a better life
because doesn't work but it's a good place to start
you have to finally get to put a point where you can just surrender i think that take that takes trust and trust takes time to build

one last thing on that tongue
there is in our tradition
something called buddha nature and what i'm
what the folks found was that dumb maybe buddha wasn't just an ordinary just to
an amazing person with nobody else like him well we could do is try to do our best to maybe approached just a little bit but what they found was that time we actually are buddha
we actually are
that sense of i'm striving controlling self and all of our habits and memories of who we think we are or who we think everything else is
that kind that tends to cover it over like clouds covering in the sun
so our practice
sitting facing the wall totally useless activity because it can't be manipulated
so it makes sense it's totally it's totally useless activity where you resolve to sit there for no apparent reason but you're just going to sit there with your life with your life as it arises it comes and goes through you
and and stuff and not try to control it so that releases the ego just a bit just a little bit
and trying not to on
react and habitual kinds of ways so that releases the other the other one is this is the manager is busy on and a lionfish nana parts of the mind and once they settle and relax than the buddha
the light of the boot into rises from the luminous ocean of who we really are
i like that

the decision

i love your like how much
back at
it's very scary
let go
yes guests who down to earth
you know right
ah that's like saying okay i'm gonna sit here and i am going to let go of the control of my ego
nothing happens
back may hurt lower back hurts when you do that
if you have you know that will first there are a lot of people here who come here for
couple weeks or couple months or a couple of years to try to to figure it out to try to find out what that worship what should they do with their life
and i have you noticed you must have noticed don't you folks must have noticed that
gathering pros and cons and ruminating about them doesn't help have you noticed is it just me or if you notice this
it doesn't seem to help you can gather all kinds of information and start and you using our logic
to sort through them that that seems to make so much sense the only problem i think is that it has a passionate all involved in it like fear or worry or
greed or hate or not wanting to face anything than that than the than the logic research the passion
if you know he knows but ah
i can think for example right now better
it ah
no i can't think of an example right now but take my word for it
that whenever this passion involved if you bypass the passion the logic serves the passion it's like being in not like being in love for example have you tried to be logical i love there's just doesn't they don't come together and or any kind of reasoning you have serves only the passion so it could go anywhere it wants
sync is that time this thing we have exhaustion
what i what i've found in my own life is that when i have sat across roads to take i will go through the ruminating first and i'll try to i'll try to understand it and i'll fret not worry and i'll get upset and frustrated and all that but then if i'm lucky i'll sit in meditation and
the with with the young
when making it making an effort to just clear just clear everything and when breathe and feel myself creation you putting the mind the attention in the body the breath and just doing nothing nothing other than that just breathing just living just being alive and i find it and whenever they rumination started
command just ah
just a little later i guess just a little later and go back to breathing and what i find is that them
ha often an answer maybe maybe close to a good one comes up from that nothingness
now the the intuition once we get our controlling apparatus disengage just a little bit
and it's very difficult because it doesn't like that it gets scared and
to exert more pressure but once we cannot disconnect a slightly step back take the backward step
then intuition rises
so when i find
and you know what the answer may not even be the right one
hooking now
i only know if i've made a right choice maybe six months to a year later better by then it didn't really matter
so part of our practice also as being able to cope with not knowing
and when you think about it that's a pretty good strategy since we don't know awful lot awful lot
but somehow i'm somehow making peace and accepting unknown not knowing
life unfolds on its own
between that
it seems so easy but about so hard

at a time see every day
and they decided to make it the most important thing my life
and yet i find myself something days now city
what's wrong but what can be done
well what's wrong and what can be done because you hear the question
wants to sit by himself finds can't what's wrong nothing's wrong the things wrong and sounds perfectly
reasonable to me
why think i live here
even when i did live by myself i i would have people come sit with me so that i would
it's like you know us we have this thing there's a greek word somebody mentioned at the other day what is it
what was the word the greek word that says we do
yeah that one
what was it
now let's a tree
gov it there's a greek word for that that we tend to do behaviors even if they hurt us
so from for me and was thousand is is the really the only medicine that works in my life and take me away from here and i'll watch tv
i say not to proudly
it popcorn and drink comb or grape soda
but i can't stand that for long that's that's the saving grace so i have to come back
i don't think anything's wrong and sounds perfectly natural to me it's very difficult to do anything alone especially especially something like a spiritual practice legs us and for example because ah
because there's so much comes up now and it can be very boring very boring but when you have more people with you
the more logs on the fire the hundred and fire
it's very encouraging for encouraging so i don't know
i really don't know about that one
a good luck
give a cat
the dogs dogs like to sit

greg okay
though dog instead when you stand out in the middle of a notion and you look around a circular doesn't look any other way but ashley
it to the ocean are infinite varieties like palace is like a jaw but what do you tell somebody who's stuck up and know the ocean and all a see is same old self same on thoughts
yeah i don't think it's
hey i hope so it's like palace is like a job when they can see it in
oh no no now that depends on your point of view no didn't really hear that hybridization who i think your question is it seems like same old thing same old same old same old things they will thing comes up same old stuff i say good just think what would be like favorite different every time
about yourself now so that narrows the playing field down doesn't because the same old thing same old thing
so you could a lot of practice opening your heart to the same old thing that sounds really good to me congratulations
what you're buying that
i am
how and

someone who was really stuck
like order themselves board of themselves yeah this you
this is a friend of yours
the on i know i know
this year these are things called some scars it's the for when the fourth skanda and we we have scandals
technical thing but i think the whole the idea of the the scan is this show how difficult it is because by the time you get to the fourth one which is the habit habitual mental formation realm it's really hard
so and in that realm you know who you are you know who you aren't you know who they are you know who they're not you always do that like not going to work circle for example in my birthday that was a stupid habit i was anxious maybe twice in the beginning
and so and what evolved from that was a whole a whole great unconscious scenario based in fear
so i think if nothing else the buddha show the brutal points out how difficult it is to face oneself but what boredom is a good sign though as good i think that that means and some motion is about to occur because we don't change anything unless it hurts enough
and board was pretty painful just don't fall asleep
this little about practice
when he was a he is

i just have
i really did
i think omits again i think it sounds and and please don't get me wrong i don't like thousand and i'm not sure actually i'm not trying to sell it
for me it hurts and physically and
it's very difficult
being that out of control realizing how out of control i am and i can't control what happens when it comes what what my mind produces thoughts like a popcorn machine
slows down every now and then but it's very difficult and a single thing that works so and it's completely
well one of the things that cotto so i can go she said that you'd have to get it through your sixth year thick skulls that zazen is not good for anything and until you know that zazen is not good for anything that it won't be good for anything
suzuki roshi excuse that expression now this is the most important thing in each time he'd say it would be something different
so who makes me laugh about an hour walking around
oh chris you walked into one
they were in the realm of dream and delusion that way
i mean we are anyway but
the ideas to practice enough in this room in this little room so that we can carry that mind outside and
i asked my first period practice prayer was a green gulch and i asked the a know they were talking about time awakened anger which we don't say much about but damn i asked is how long collins this take me she said about twenty years
ha twenty years
yes it takes a long time to be able to ah so this is serious business sitting sitting in here so get as much as of it as you can stand
it's the only thing that retains the mind i think
two or to even faintly see reality because we don't see it so much and don't think
this time
thank you very much
want to thank you for being passengers on the soul of light
thank you very much