This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. Congratulations to those of you who have achieved your goals. Remarkable teaching, first thing. Today, coming into the hall and hearing Siri or a relative of Siri saying, goal achieved. And that is exactly what I wanted to talk about today. Goal achieved. Already achieved.

[01:00]

Before we walk in, as we walk in, the goal is achieved. And the next moment, we get very confused. Resuming, returning to our basic being alive. which is already achieved, and you had nothing to do with it. It's already given. That I think is why we're all here today. I don't know. Each person might tell some story about why... you made the trip today or you're at home while you logged on.

[02:05]

But I think it would be safe to say that we all deeply long to connect with and appreciate life. Does anyone feel like they're here for a different reason than that? Well, maybe there's some sub-reasons or some side reasons, but as a fundamental expression of why we would take such a long drive on such a harrowing road, if not to, from some stirring, some remembering, that we long to be fully alive. We long to remember that we're alive. That's one of the meanings of this term, sati, or mindfulness, is remembering.

[03:11]

Remember being alive? We remember it kind of like in a fog. There was something happening here. It was really kind of interesting. I don't remember what it was. And then we practice remembering, connecting with, oh, right, it was the fact that I'm alive. was the fact that there's anything and that we get to be. So I think this longing that we have to connect with our life is always there, and it gets covered over, but not by much. It gets covered over by just little sheets or screens. little screens, little sheets of paper cover over this deep longing that we have. And in my experience, really all it takes to remember that we wish to be alive is to quiet the mind a little bit and still the body a little bit.

[04:32]

And then it's right there. That's not to say that we don't also have a strong drive to check out. You may be familiar with this parallel drive to connect deeply with life and to check out. Some part of us, all of us, I think, wants to go back under the covers at any given moment and stay there under the covers. Again, if anybody doesn't know what I'm talking about, I just turn away from everything and be just comfortable, comfortable and numb under the covers. So that can feel very compelling sometimes, but in our teaching, it's not really a big problem.

[05:49]

It's just a little covering over this deep longing. And of course that you're here, turning towards the Dharma in whatever way that you turn towards the Dharma or a practice of connecting. is evidence that even if all you're aware of is wanting to go back into the covers, meanwhile, your life is getting you, through a Dharma talk, is getting you to engage in some way with your life. So I feel, you know, we don't need to push that part away that wants to check out. It's totally welcome. And we connect also with this part of ourself that longs to live fully. And we just let the two of them work it out. And my feeling, our faith, is that this longing, this vow, is brilliant, like the sun.

[06:51]

And this wish to separate and be numb is like a little candle. So we don't need to be afraid. We just let them both be present and see who wins, who takes the day. Of course, we can't help in our life but to encounter a whole lot of suffering. Suffering in ourselves and suffering of our loved ones. Suffering in our communities and in the world. The earth suffering. And here too, when we meet the suffering, we feel, I think I want to go back under the covers.

[07:58]

And we feel this longing to connect. deeply with life to live fully to appreciate our life to enjoy our life for ourselves and also to connect with our life so that we can actually be here with others and for others and with this suffering that's all around and all the way through each of us So when we can, as we meet the suffering, this teaching is so clear that if we can stay with that and we need some stability, so we have various practices of training and, let's say, equanimity or spaciousness, capacity to be with suffering so that we can be with suffering and then feel like, ooh, I don't want to be here. I would really like to be under the covers. And then we stay.

[09:02]

We just stay. With that, we ride that wave of wanting to get away. And then right underneath is this great natural innate compassion for the suffering that we're encountering and this longing or this vow to be fully alive in this world of suffering and joy. in this ungraspable life. It's interesting that we are, you know, I've reflected many times. Let's see how to put this. So I'm quite anxious and protective.

[10:02]

about losing something, like being. And I'm quite distraught and filled with dread and sorrow when life is lost. Those are maybe familiar emotions or feelings. Protecting something. I'm anxious all the time and afraid all the time. And then I'm touched and moved and sorrowful when Life is harmed in some way. So I'm really aware of that. But I'm not so aware that what that implies is that I must really care about this thing. It seems like I don't feel like I really care for life necessarily. But wow, I'm really anxious about keeping it. So letting my anxiety about keeping life reveal to me, show me that, oh, I think I really care about this thing. I really care about this thing.

[11:03]

And this stress that I have about keeping life is evidence of how much I love life. Maybe you've had that feeling too. And what if I could just feel that, you know, rather than have it deflected into this... uncomfortable feeling of protection and anxiety what if I could just connect more directly with I love you life rather than just I love you life we long to connect with life we love life and all of our stress and anxiety is just demonstrating that amply so I was asking myself if I Really let myself know that. Tell life that I love it.

[12:04]

Have you told life lately that you love it? And how would we tell it? You know, where would we find it? Well, I guess we could tell each other. That's a nice way. But how do we tell life itself? Like, I'm not just worried about you. I actually love you. How would I show that, enact that, and connect with that feeling in myself? What if that were the main, salient feeling every day of loving being alive. It's there, but it's often deflected in this protecting and worrying about being alive. And it's nice to be worried about, so life maybe appreciates it, but also it's even better to just be told directly that you're loved than to be fretted over. So I would tell life, I am here for you.

[13:08]

I'm here with you. I see you. Doesn't that feel good? Isn't that the kind of thing we say to express love? I'm here with you. I'm here for you. I see you. There's room. And what would it be to express that kind of love for life itself? I'm here for you, life. I see you. So it turns out we have a practice of doing just that. We have a practice of showing our love for life itself. And it's a two-part practice. The first part is we open our eyes. And then the second part is... We get very still. We open our eyes and say, I see you, life.

[14:21]

And then we get very still, saying, expressing, I'm ready. I'm ready to receive you. I'm here with you. I'm here for you. There are probably other ways that people have, but that's a good way to come to life. to meet life. So we call this the practice of silent illumination. We're quiet and still and our eyes are open. Completely alive.

[15:27]

This is our fundamental in Zen practice and this can be I acknowledge that Zen can be kind of a tough nut to crack, but this is us. If you see Zen students or are a Zen student in a Zendo staring at a wall with your eyes open and your body still, that is our total expression of deep love for life. That's how we say it. And then from that basis of just being still with our eyes open, then all the different kinds of love flow from that, that basic, I'm here, and I see you. So the first recommendation or the first step for Zen practice,

[16:35]

is to see, you know, to try to stimulate in some way our longing for connection with our life, remembering that we want to be fully alive. So that's the first thing, is do you want to be alive? Do you want to be fully alive? We don't have much time. So that's often, that's what the Han says. You guys, we don't have much time. The great matter. The great matter is that you're alive. Again, as I keep remembering, Suzuki Roshi apparently saying, you're more concerned with your problem than with the fact that you're alive. I think this quote just perfectly expresses our practice. We're more concerned with our problem than with the fact that there's a space in which this problem is happening, which is that we're alive. which should be at least as important as the problem. But we're so distracted by that problem that we are just totally disconnected from the fact that there's a living person having a problem.

[17:47]

Those are two major things happening. Living person having a problem. They're both important. But if the one is just totally drowning out the other, then we're lost. Disconnected and forget why not. Just be under the covers. So that's a good way. A traditional way is to say there's not much time. And then sometimes people think sometimes that Buddhists are a little bit, you know, negative. We're saying things like life is suffering and you're going to die. And I guess that is kind of negative. To some of us, it's really reassuring, you know, to hear that said. Like, thank you. I had that suspicion. But everyone was being very cool about it. So it's refreshing to hear, yeah, you are suffering. This is really hard and hurts terribly. And then we don't even have much time, which should be great if it's so bad, but also is awful.

[18:54]

So the function, you know, if you just superficially look at these practices of turning towards death, it seems like they're a kind of rejection of life. Buddhists always just kind of have their head down and are doing funerals and are reminding each other that they're going to die. But when we remember, and it's written on the board that calls us to meditation, you are going to die. And the reason is because that inspires us. In that moment, if we're actually open to that, if we have the stability, the spaciousness to feel that, to hear that, it just right away touches the, oh, but I want to be alive. And then its function is complete. Right. Remember? By remembering that you don't get to keep this, we remember that we love it and that we long more deeply than anything to fully, fully express it, fully be it. So first we... we try to remember or bring up this longing to be alive, to connect with our life.

[20:06]

And then the Zen teachings proliferate. Zen teachings love the environment of a human body and mind that longs to connect with being alive. That's very exciting for Zen teaching. Zen, I... I don't know what Zen looks like exactly, but I had the image of Zen, you know, shouting, we found one, we found a human being that really wants to be alive. And so they call all the bodhisattvas, all the Zen teachings come right to that spot, you know, like some bacteria or some fungus or something. This is exactly where we want to be. This is our environment. A human being who feels disconnected from their life, but has this little glimmer of a longing to reconnect with their life. So all the teachings sprout and flourish and proliferate right there. And all of the Zen play happens right in that space of, oh, so you want to remember your life, huh?

[21:10]

Good. So for example, Yunmen, one of our Tang Dynasty Chinese ancestors, great ancestor, features in many of our teaching stories. And this one recorded in as case 86 of the Blue Cliff Record, he says, you have a light. You have a light. You are a light. And that's kind of exciting. If you're open to that teaching, if we hear yinmen, that's sort of exciting. I do. I have a light. Everyone has a light. So then we feel some energy, like I would. Hey, I have a light. What does that mean? Everyone has a light. So we start to turn towards something. He says, everyone has a light. What is everybody's light?

[22:11]

So when the Zen teachings are effective, they sort of throw some gas on the spark of our longing to connect. Everybody has a light. What is that light? Don't you want to know? Don't you want to be able to answer Yunmen? What is that light that everybody is? And so we start looking for it. What's the light? What's the light that everybody is? What's the light that I am? What is my life itself? And then we start looking for it and then we're off to the races as the saying goes. You might notice you get excited about trying to find life or trying to understand what is this light that I have? What is this light that everyone has? You might notice what happens to your eyes.

[23:24]

You might start looking around. Where's the light? Or your eyes might close, and you think, oh, this light must be deep in myself, so I'm going to close my eyes and look for this light. Engo, or Yuanwu, who commented on this koan, on this story of Yunmen, observed the same thing and said, As soon as they hear you mention light, people these days, this is like the 10th century or something. As soon as they hear you mention light, people these days get a glare in their eyes and say, where? Where? That's wonderful. I want that light. Where is it? Give me some of that light. And then Yuan says, but that has nothing to do with it. So when we feel this, mindful of the transiency, mindful of the precariousness, as disaster after disaster, eaves, unfolds, our planet, we are aware of the precariousness, the transiency and the precariousness of our life.

[24:49]

and we're aware of the suffering of the loss of life, and we feel this vow to live fully, to honor life by living fully. What better way to honor life than living fully? So you might feel that, or I might... try to encourage you, let's connect with our life itself. Where Yunmen says, everyone has a light, what is it? And then right away we start looking for it. So Yunmen intuits that we will start looking for it right away. And he wants to help us with that. So he says in full, everyone has a light. When you look at it, you don't see it, and it's dark and dim.

[25:55]

What is everybody's light? When you look at it, you don't see it, and it's dark and dim. So we long to be alive. But if we try to look for it or get a hold of it, then, Hinman says, we won't see it. It's just dark and dim. So, of course, it's good that the teaching, the practice Zen really celebrates making a great effort. We try hard and earnestly to connect to be fully alive. This kind of aspiration or vow is what gets us to the Zen Center, gets us on our cushion, gets us to take off the covers.

[27:04]

But once we're at the Zen Center or once we're on the cushion, already trying earnestly to connect with our life, then the teaching shifts a little bit and we hear this next instruction, which is, by the way, Now that you really want to connect with being alive, don't look for it. When you look at it, you won't see it. If you're looking for it, you're already missing it. This wonderful expression, it's closer than your own nose. So we get this glare in our eye, so moved to find it that we start looking, but it's closer. It was there before you looked. How do you look for what's there before you started looking? It's closer than your own nose. So this is really where Zen gets going. A life for us to connect to is not over there or over there.

[28:10]

It's not something we look around for or dig deep for even. the life and the light that we are already connected with is just exactly this. You must know what I mean. So, Yin-Man says, this way inspiring us to look and then cutting off our looking for it he says everyone has their light but don't look for it or you'll just see darkness what is everybody's light and then as is often the case with yin men he's not so patient so he's asking this question of the assembly but then either because no one answers or just before anyone answers

[29:17]

What is everybody's light? What is your light? Nobody answers. And he says, the kitchen pantry and the main gate. So this is Zen expression. What? The kitchen pantry, the main gate. That's everybody's light. The temple storehouse, the gate. In other words, it's just right here. This light and this sound and this chair, this body, this breath. This thing that already was completely revealed, completely manifest before we even went looking. This thing that has been here the whole time. That's what... everybody's light is. So this is what Zen is trying again and again to point us back to.

[30:32]

Don't go somewhere. Don't strain, you know. Don't pull a muscle. Connecting with your life. Connect with your life the way that your life already is right now. That it already is. It's the kitchen pantry. It's the doorway. It's your car in the parking lot. It's just what's already right here. A way that's been alive for me this morning of feeling into this is it's what's already here in the background. When we start looking for something, we're looking for something in the foreground. But meanwhile, life, the kitchen pantry, and the temple gate are in the background.

[31:35]

And so how do you point out the background? Because we try to look where we make it the foreground. So return to what is already here. So here's a way, a wonderful way that another Zen teacher, in the 17th century Japan, Banke, wonderful and very popular teacher, my friend, a friend and teacher, Greg Fain, said Banke is a televangelist, like the televangelist of 17th century Japan. He riled up these huge overflow crowds with this very strange and simple teaching. So here's an example of it. See if this lands for you. While you are all turned this way listening to me talk, you don't mistake the chirp of a sparrow out back for the caw of a crow, the sound of a gong for that of a bell.

[32:37]

You clearly recognize and distinguish each sound you hear without making any mistakes. That's the marvelously illuminating dynamic function. It's none other than the Buddha mind unborn and marvelously illuminating the actual proof of the marvelously illuminating nature of the Buddha mind. Marvelously illuminating nature of the Buddha mind sounds very exciting. So he's getting us excited about this. And then what he's pointing to is something that's in the background. So Banke is speaking and everybody's looking at Banke. Hanging on his words and looking for some way to connect with their being alive. Thank you to the kitchen crew.

[33:40]

Supporting us in the background. Marvelously functioning unborn Buddha mind. Making lunch for people. So everybody's looking at the teacher who's going to tell them how to connect with their life. Because they're aware of how deeply they long to connect with their life. And then he says, you're all turned this way. But meanwhile, you're alive. You think that you're going to connect to life by looking this way. But it's actually what's out back. the way that you already are hearing a sound, that's what your life is. And there's no special effort to do that.

[34:41]

But we think, well, that's not bad. I want to connect with my life deeply. You know, that's not just me hearing sounds. There must be something in the foreground. Does that make sense at all? Be with me. Be with Panke. So strange. He just says this over and over and people kept coming. He must have had something going. He must have really, really embodied what he was talking about. We're already completely alive. This longing to connect with life, you know, goal achieved. It's already here and we just keep looking past it. This can't be it. We have this practice of sitting completely still and not doing anything and not reaching for anything.

[35:46]

And we sometimes doubt, and we have good friends in the Buddha way who join us in doubting how just sitting still and silent with our eyes open could possibly wake us up to life, could possibly connect with and totally... fulfill what our life is. Because it's not doing anything. It's not looking for anything. And we say in this teaching of silent illumination, in this practice of shikantaza or just sitting, we say yes, exactly, that we're not looking for anything or doing anything, but just sitting completely still, not reaching for anything, not pushing anything away, our eyes open, our ears open, our hearts open, feeling all the sensation, hearing the sound, seeing the light. That's before we're looking for something.

[36:51]

It's all just revealed. It's illuminated in the silence. This is the teaching of our style, of our school, of Soto Zen. I hope it's clear how just being totally still, not even looking, would be the best way to connect with our life. It's stopping messing around in the foreground when we're still and open. then there's just the background, which is our life. The life not that we're creating and making and messing with and seeking for, but actually the life that's received and functioning and flowing, the life we were given, the life we're given moment after moment.

[38:00]

So it helps for the mind to be quiet. And I've gotten really into this practice of stillness. I think people are getting tired of hearing about it. So maybe I'll get tired of talking about it at some point. But not yet. Being still, almost like a... It's okay to be kind of clumsy about it or coarse with this stillness. Like it's okay to exert towards stillness. I have had this word athletic. There's something so physical about our practice. It's almost like an athletic stillness. Like the race. You know, it's not competitive at all, but how still, you know, beat my personal best for stillness. How still can a human body be? But if every cell, you know, is exerting itself to be completely still. And then, like, my God, relax.

[39:04]

But... But entering the stillness with that kind of intensity or integrity or energy of, I long to connect with life. Something about this stillness is close. Let me just see if I can be completely still and remember that I'm alive. So we, okay, do it. And then because the mind being loud and noisy and going everywhere doesn't help us see that we're alive. All our mind can see is the problem, pretty much. It can't really see the fact that we're alive. It can see the foreground, but not the background. So some people think that our practice is meditation is a mental practice. Maybe some of you have that idea. Meditation is something you do with your mind. And then we have this physical way of sitting, which is how the body supports the mind to meditate. Maybe that sounds familiar. to some of you, as an approach to meditation.

[40:04]

Our way is that meditation is a physical, a physical practice that the mind joins. It's a physical practice that the mind joins rather than a mental practice that the body supports. And that's just a much better way, it turns out, to quiet the mind. I have not had luck telling my mind to be quiet. But I have had the feeling of quiet in my mind when I just become really still and then my mind joins that stillness. Just like an athlete's mind joins the physical exertion. It's the best way to quiet the mind is just to make the body still. So I say make the body still and we're starting very coarse here, very rough kind of stillness that maybe is clenching. But what the most still thing that I can imagine is the sky itself.

[41:08]

The sky is really still, and I'm not aware of it clenching. I don't know what it feels like to be the sky, but I don't sense that it's clenching. It's still because it's unmovable, because it includes everything without being disturbed. So we enter stillness, we might get inspired to be still, and we try to be still like a rock. But the stillness, the direction of the unfolding of our stillness is to be still like the sky. Just so welcoming of every single thing with so much room that there's no movement. So stillness, maybe we start like rocks and then as we relax and settle, we can just find a stillness that's just of being so open that there's no need to move. Part of what's so wonderful about this physical stillness is that it resonates with a great stillness that is really what reality must be.

[42:23]

The way that reality, the way that this space of our life just welcomes and includes everything without being disrupted. You notice that? how everything is included, everything is welcome, and the sky doesn't seem disturbed, life itself doesn't seem disturbed. So I don't know that we can really get that, how much room there is. There's so much room in reality. but we can feel some room when we practice stillness, and that little bit of stillness that we can do resonates, reverberates, has the same vibration as this great stillness that includes all of the activity, that includes the whole unfolding of light. That's part of what's so special about this stillness.

[43:26]

It's good to be active, and Zen practice is... It's a lot about activity and just flowing with our life. But now and then, we really like to be still. We have a special place in our heart and in our temples for that stillness. Because of what it does for us, you could say, how it reconnects us and makes us more available for each other and for our life. but also because of how it celebrates or points to or resonates with this deep, still, totally welcoming, all-including nature of life itself. So then the last thing is Yunmen. So we're with Yunmen here.

[44:27]

Yunmen has said, Everyone has a light. When you look at it, you don't see it, and it's dark and dim. What is your light? And then he says, it's the kitchen pantry, it's the temple gate. And then he pauses again, and then he essentially says, sorry, sorry about all that. Sorry about that. Specifically, he says, sort of like come to think of it, saying nothing is better than saying a good thing. So he says, I was trying to help you. So I said this really good thing, which is that you have a light. Everybody has a light. Everything is light. And then you got kind of excited and started looking for it. And then I wanted to help you understand it correctly. So I said, I mean the light. I mean your car that's in the parking lot. I mean the temple storehouse.

[45:28]

And the doorway, and that was a really good expression. It's not, it's what's already here. It's hearing the sound out back while your mind is looking for it up front. But then he says, actually, sorry about the whole thing. Never mind. Just resume, resume your living of your life. Saying nothing is better than saying a good thing. There's always that kind of apology in Zen. It's like a shame to say so, you know? And yet there's something so beautiful about going through that process of feeling separate from our life and then generating the energy to connect with our life and then realizing, oh, it's just, we're just alive like we were. So we don't get anywhere, but so much is revealed in that effort to be fully alive, to connect with our life.

[46:36]

And Suzuki Roshi says the same thing. In his comments to this koan, he says, Before I add my note, you have understood all about it. That's his comment on this. I was about to write it, and it's like, wait... Before I've said anything, you've understood it. That's it. It's what's already here. Thank you for your great patience with these subtle and difficult to express teachings. Aware of deep suffering in the world, in ourselves, and in each other. and all over the planet. We remember how deeply we want to be alive while we can, those of us who can, to do it fully for everyone and everything.

[47:40]

And so we dedicate the merit, any virtue, any value that's in our practices for the liberation, for the well-being of others. Thank you very much for your kind attention. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[48:26]

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