This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. It's wonderful to see all of you here. So this is a transition time. It's the autumn equinox today, so we're shifting from the summer to the fall. And the weather changed today, kind of abruptly, and then it changed back again. Wind came up, it looked like it was going to rain. Now almost all the clouds are gone and the stars are out again.

[01:00]

We're also coming to the end of work period. I think we have about three more days left. You know, moving into practice period. And I wanted to thank all of the people who are here who came in for work period. Deep, deep bows of gratitude to all of you. It's amazing what happens in this valley every year. It's a miracle, and it just happens over and over again, and nobody really knows how it happens, but it does. So we've developed some kind of faith that it will continue to happen, and it depends on all of you, on all of us, to make that miracle happen together. There is a jukai ceremony tomorrow, a bodhisattva precept ceremony. And it's the same precepts, in many ways very similar ceremony to the full moon ceremony we do every month of taking the bodhisattva precepts.

[02:14]

Although the Jukai ceremony, taking lay vows, is more formal and it also involves... really establishing a particular relationship with your teacher. And not just with your teacher, but with all Buddhas and ancestors. In the ceremony, you receive lineage papers, which traces this transmission of the Buddhadharma from warm hand to warm hand from your teacher to their teacher, to their teacher, to their teacher, to Suzuki Roshi, going all the way back to Dogen, Bodhidharma, Shakyamuni, and even the seven Buddhas before Buddha. No, I don't think those were on the Lynch papers, anyway. But it really establishes your connection with all Buddhas and ancestors.

[03:20]

It's a very... joyful occasion. And whenever there is a precept ceremony, I often remember the times that I have taken the precepts myself and the many, many ceremonies that I've attended. And it brings up such strong feelings of gratitude. I've received precepts from my ordination teacher, Sojin Mel Weitzman, and also from Adrian Linda Cutts when I was chuseau with her and received the precepts from her. And I've had many, many teachers in my life, but these two have a very particular place in my heart, and part of it is because of this ceremony and all that it means about establishing that connection.

[04:26]

There is a bowing gatha, a bowing verse, that says, the one who is bowing, the one who is bowed to... Their nature, no nature. My body, others' body, not two. Plunging into the inexhaustible vow, living in harmony with everyone. So that's what I would like to talk about tonight, is about vow, a life of vow. and intention. And I'm not differentiating vow and intention so much. I think vow is more formal. It's a deeper level of commitment. But I think they're very much related to intention.

[05:35]

I think maybe vow is broader and vaster. But rather than talking about particular vows or particular precepts, I'd like to talk about it more generally for two reasons. One is that as we're going into practice period, I think many people often have some kind of intention for practice period, kind of a shifting of gears, an overt deepening of practice, the opportunity to do more formal practice. And then also... For those of us who have been here for all or part of the summer as students or those of you who are here for the work period, I think it brings up very often when people come to Tassajara for periods of time, how do I bring this back out into the world? What is my intention? I feel I'm here at Tassajara. I feel deeply nourished and supported and encouraged in my life and my practice.

[06:43]

And then how do I take that back out? How do I manifest that? And what is it that I'm really intending? And I think often when we have a vow or an intention, it feels very fresh and hopeful. There's a very new feeling to it. And I was thinking, even New Year's resolutions kind of have that feeling. There's kind of hope for the new year, and this time it's going to be different. And so what I wanted to talk about was the challenge in manifesting our intention and manifesting our vows. Quite some years ago, I worked as a legal proofreader for several years in a corporate... real estate law office. And the first two years were pretty great.

[07:46]

We were this very self-contained little department. A friend of mine hired all of his friends, basically, all his literate friends to do this. And we had a great time. But the third year, he left and I became the supervisor. And that meant that I had to interact a lot with the attorneys rather than just with the other people. proofreaders who were mostly musicians and writers. And I found this quite difficult. It was an unhappy firm for a lot of reasons. But I was coming in from the East Bay to the financial district, and I caught the casual carpool every morning. So I had a lovely ride in for like half an hour, riding in someone's car very peacefully. And I would usually arrive very refreshed and calm and happy.

[08:46]

And every day I would vow not to let it get to me, not to take things personally, not to get off balance in one way or another. And I arrived at work every morning at 9 o'clock. And somewhere between 9.15 and 9.45 every day, I found that I was not able to do that. I did not have the equanimity that I was hoping to maintain throughout the entire day or at least longer than 15 to 45 minutes. And for the longest time, I just felt very frustrated by that. And I felt like I was failing, just daily failure, week after week, month after month. I was a supervisor there for like a year. And eventually, repetition is such a wonderful thing.

[09:53]

I think it's a lot of why we just repeat practice, because you finally get to see things. Eventually, I got to see that I had entirely unrealistic expectations of myself. of the situation. I thought I could somehow change things in ways that I just couldn't. And there was a shift from feeling on some level humiliated by my failure to be calm throughout the day. Internally, I think I looked pretty calm, but I certainly wasn't calm inwardly. I was pretty anxious and agitated and worried about things. So there was this shift from humiliation to humility. They have the same root. And both of it is related to... I don't think I'm pronouncing it right, but hummus, the ground, you know, like the stuff in the ground, they're both related to being, like, close to the ground, close to the earth.

[11:03]

And... I think humiliation is like when you feel dragged down there. And humility is when you just sit down. And you take the low seat. Not a problem. And I also felt like that was part of becoming a human being, a truly human being, rather than feeling like I could only be a human being if I were Because I finally had to give up hope that this was going to change. You know, I could only keep the unrealistic hope going so long. Probably about 10 months, actually. Kept trying and trying and trying and trying this, trying that. And eventually I realized, you know, I can't actually change this. And that was really the beginning of acceptance.

[12:06]

of how things were, how I was, how the situation was, and becoming a lot more peaceful. I didn't stop getting unhappy, but I stopped getting unhappy about getting unhappy. And that was really huge. It didn't stick anymore. It wasn't a problem. It was a difficult situation. It was difficult work. Okay. So there was a lot more relaxation at that point. Dogen talks about one continuous mistake. Just coming back again and again, not attaching to what we think is right or wrong. trying and failing and trying and failing.

[13:08]

It's not giving up. It's not giving up. It's letting go. There's a very deep difference. But this is not easy practice. So how do we maintain continuous practice? How do we keep a sense of freshness with our intention, with our vows, when It can feel discouraging sometimes if we have ideals for ourselves or the world, and ourselves or others of the world aren't living up to that, which they won't. We won't, they won't, it won't. And I was thinking about this talk at one point. I thought that maybe I would call it, A Life of Vow Means Giving Up All Hope of Self-Improvement. I was thinking, self-improvement so often gets confused with vow or intention.

[14:17]

And it's not just about the things that we tend to focus on for self-improvement, like I want to lose 15 pounds or... I want to read all of Shakespeare next year, or I want to study Dogen every day. You know, whatever it is. It's not even that it's about the difference in content. But when I was thinking about, well, what makes it self-improvement? Well, it's about me, for one thing. It's about making me better rather than helping others, which includes myself. And I thought it's more focused on the future. In the future, I will be a good person. And I will do all these virtuous things, which helps me live with the fact that right now I feel kind of bad about myself. Maybe overtly, and maybe it's kind of hard to sit with that.

[15:20]

Maybe it's hard to even be aware that I don't feel so good about myself. So actually having that kind of hope for the future can be a means of denial or escaping what's happening right now. Tomorrow I'll go on the diet. It doesn't matter that I'm eating more and different things than I thought I was going to today. So the push for self-improvement often seems to have a big component of... dissatisfaction, non-acceptance, dukkha, not accepting the way things are, suffering. And vow is not about any outward ideas about perfection. It's not about what it looks like. It's not looks like good. On the other hand, I think it's entirely appropriate, maybe, to experience a sense of sorrow or regret when we do things that cause ourself or other people harm or sadness or pain, whether ourselves or others.

[16:54]

I think that's quite normal and even a good thing to have that kind of feeling or regret to the extent that we have to have some way of reflecting on the effect of our actions. If we don't, it's very hard to have a basis for practice at all because we have to be able to discriminate what's helpful and what's harmful, what's wholesome and what's unwholesome. And we have to be able to see what the effects of our actions are on ourselves and other people. Otherwise, it's very, very difficult to practice. But this is very different than shame or blame or a corrosive sense of guilt. But just to acknowledge the feeling, oh, I did this or I didn't do this and I see what happened as a result of that and I'm sorry about that and then to let it go and then to let it go and to learn from it.

[18:13]

So it's not about complacency and it's not about this kind of relentless striving. So what is it? The instructions are really very simple, and there are many, many versions, but one could be let go of all attachment, aversion, and ignorance. Simple. Not so easy. On each moment, just let go of all attachment, aversion, and ignorance. Or meet everything that arises with complete presence and relaxation. Again, really simple. Not really easy. So the really good news is that, as Suzuki Roshi was very fond of saying, you're perfect just as you are, which means you are whole and complete just as you are.

[19:24]

And what you practice is what you have. So every moment, every instant that you practice letting go, that you act in accord with your vows, with your intention, is a complete moment of practice. It's completely whole and pure. And I think very often we don't realize how much we've already changed or transformed ourselves. Actually, I don't think we transform ourselves. It's some interdependence between our intentions our actions, and the world and the people that we meet.

[20:40]

There's a poem by Juan Ramon Jimenez called Oceans. I have a feeling that my boat has struck down there in the depths, against a great thing. And nothing happens. Nothing. Silence. Waves. Nothing happens? Or has everything happened? And are we standing now quietly in the new life? I have a feeling that my boat has struck down there in the depths against a great thing.

[21:40]

And nothing happens. Nothing. Silence. Waves. Nothing happens? Or has everything happened? And are we standing now? quietly in the new life. Our vows and intentions work on us very deeply and also invisibly. Sometimes it's easier for others to see the great changes that happen as a result of our vows. They are visible to others, even if not to ourselves. Because we get used to things.

[22:44]

We become accustomed to a particular way of being. So to keep things fresh also requires some intention. the intention to remember our vows and intentions the intention to renew ourselves each day on each moment and to deeply appreciate our lives how much we have received in our lives each of us to be able to sit here together in this endo tonight. How blessed we are just to be able to be here. All the causes and conditions that brought us here exposed us to this place, to practice, to one another.

[23:51]

It's quite remarkable. And appreciation itself is a practice and a very powerful one. So I encourage you all to hold whatever intentions or vows you may have the way we hold the mudra when we sit continuously and very gently some space around it.

[24:54]

Are there any questions? I believe you said to let go of ignorance. Okay. My understanding where ignorance comes from is to ignore. So how would one let go of ignorance if ignorance comes from ignoring? a great question. How to let go of ignorance if ignorance comes from ignoring? When you really examine ignoring, there's two kinds of ignorance, right? There's ignorance that's just not knowing, like I was ignorant of the definition of some word. But the

[26:03]

This kind of ignorance is an actual turning away, is ignoring. How do we ignore things? How do I turn away what hinders me, what stands in the way of being fully present with things as they are, with things as it is? So when you really practice and look into that, you begin to see more subtly, oh, I see how my attention went over here. There was something uncomfortable or whatever it was. My attention just skated right off. And now I'm off somewhere else. It's not interesting. How did that happen? And after a while, we get to see just how we do it. And then we get to see what's underneath it and underneath.

[27:07]

Not underneath, but what are we not looking at? And then when we can include everything without preference, to just be completely aware of whatever is arising, then that is being without attachment and aversion. Thank you. Jess? In the early part of your talk, you were talking about the vows that you took and you were in the, I vow not to, meaning going to work. I vow not to. And our precepts are stated somewhat in that way. I wonder about vow not I think very often things are put in the negative term.

[28:30]

because it actually allows more space for the positive side of things. Say, I vow to be calm or whatever, then you might think you have to be a particular way. But I think in both cases, the Mahayana precepts, which are less... Less about the details and more about the spirit and really looking deeply into how deep can we go with I vow not to kill. People, that seems pretty obvious. Animals, okay, starts getting interesting. Fish, insects, worms. What does this mean, not killing spirit? I just heard from someone who was exploring this precept in terms of kind of gossip or maliciousness or that kind of killing of spirit, Satan and his kindness.

[29:56]

I was just reading Robert Akin when he was talking about the precepts and he said the first... are actually very old. Not killing, not stealing, not misusing sexuality, not lying, and not abusing drink or drugs. Those actually predated the Buddha. And those are pan-Buddhist lay people, monastics everywhere, and then others taken on additional ones. So I think there's an older tradition to that. Greg has been talking lately about the Bodhisattva path as an iron rail thousands of miles long. And I think in a certain way, the precepts about the not doing kind of can function as an iron rail. It gives you some orientation. At least that's what it is for me.

[31:03]

And then I can see, oh, because they, on a deeper level, they're really impossible. They're not, you can't live, you can't exist without killing something. Even if it's only the bacteria in the air, plants or whatever. So how do we balance this? How do we live not in a, Okay, I'll do this much and not this, but holding the whole paradox together. So for me, the positive side and the negative side, in a sense, come together in their very impossibility, that we keep renewing our vows because they're impossible, we will never fully attain them, and that makes it possible to take them. I'm not actually worried about saving all beings.

[32:08]

I keep vowing to save all beings. And we can only all do it all together. It's not me doing it. I can just do my part of it. So for me, they come together in, you could say their impossibility, or you can say in their infinity. Thank you all. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[32:56]

@Transcribed_UNK
@Text_v005
@Score_95.79