This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. Hi, Fu. Welcome home. Nice to see you all here. I'm always amazed that people come to sit in a barn together and be cold. What is that about for you? Surely you must have something better. to do this morning.

[01:02]

And yet how beautiful to brave the storm and be here in this sound, in this symphony. Nothing better than a zendo in the rain, if you ask me. So this is our first public Sunday talk of the new year. So happy new year to you all, 2019 or so. I had the honor this year of hosting our sitting into the night as we said goodbye to the year. And I found myself, as the clock struck,

[02:09]

I felt and was moved to invite those with us here. I felt this intention about not wanting to miss the blessings this year. And I felt and I feel that, to not miss the blessings this year. And I felt moved to extend that invitation. May we not miss the blessings this year. So when are those blessings going to come, you know? It'd be like July or... November, you know, but even as the sound of the bell was still ringing, we could feel it already, the blessings, you know, just a few days in and already, if we can see it, if we can hear it, so many blessings this year already. How to open to these blessings, how to open to this flow of blessing every moment how to shift from ingratitude and lack into wow blessing and not just so that we can enjoy our life a little more although wouldn't that be great but also as the basis of our good work for supporting others it's hard to support others when we're not in the flow of the blessings ourselves when we're not uplifted

[03:38]

when we're not buoyed by the blessings, by the support of the universe. So to open to that support, that blessing, not just so we can feel good, but so that we can turn it over, so that we're supported in this vow, really to live for the benefit of one another. So I wanted to talk a little bit today about that and how we might make that shift, how I want to make that shift. So one way, you know, one practice that we might take up when we give rise to the mind that wants to cultivate gratitude and appreciation, wants to observe the blessings of life, we might count our blessings. We might count them. One, two, three, four, five. Count them like cows in a field, you know?

[04:42]

Oh, there's one, there's one, there's one. Spot them and point to them and count them. Name them. Name each of the ways that we have some gift or some grace, some health, some love, some community, some practice, some well-being, some freedom, some food. So I wonder what it is for you today. If there's some blessing you could count. Maybe a bunch come to mind or maybe none or just a few. Like, I don't know. Looking out at that field, I don't see. Maybe that's a cow or just a sheep. And so all the more reason, you know, if we struggle to find those blessings, to name them, to spot them, to see them.

[05:44]

If we struggle, all the more reason, you know, to look, to go looking. There must be some blessing today, here and now, even if we're struggling. Maybe this breath. Maybe the sound of the rain. We can also count, this is a wonderful thing that Buddhists can count, is things that aren't present. There's lots of lists in Buddhism. We enumerate the things that are present, and then we often enumerate the things that aren't present. So this is what Thich Nhat Hanh talks about, the non-toothache. So I don't know, I'm on your list today, if the non-toothache, for those of us blessed this morning to not have a toothache, if that made our top few, you know, of blessings for today... To not have a toothache.

[06:44]

How wonderful. So especially maybe if we struggle to find, what's the great thing happening in my life exactly? Maybe we can also open to counting the misfortunes that we're not currently undergoing. Then we could maybe really get a list running of all the currently unarisen misfortunes in this body and mind. just appreciate the blessed absence as we open to the blessing to be buoyed to support one another. So I think this is one way is to count our blessings. It seems like a good thing to do is a good thing to do. It's something I'd like to do more of. And I was remembering this passage from a great book called Street Zen,

[07:45]

about the life of Isan Dorsey, a great early teacher at San Francisco Zen Center, founder of the Harford Street Zen Center. And there's an anecdote I couldn't find this morning, but that's always stuck with me since reading it long ago, of Richard Baker Roshi telling Isan to focus on the field and not the cows. It was some kind of agitation, some kind of crisis, some kind of problem that Isan was facing. And this instruction of, you're looking at the cows, could you look at the field? Look at the field, not the cows. Look at the field, not the cows. Well, I think we could say that that's what Zen is about, ultimately.

[08:48]

We honor all of these cows, you know, all of these things that arise in our life, all of these blessings. This great procession of cows coming at us, mandala of cows. We honor all of that, but we don't lose sight of the field. We notice also that they are in a space. They are, you know, in a space. They're on a field. So something's always happening, and we meet it fully, if we can, even with some gratitude and appreciation. And we practice not neglecting the field. So it occurs to me that when we count our blessings, acknowledge all of... what's going well, the things we appreciate? Do we remember to note the field that all of that blessing is arising out of?

[09:58]

Do we remember to include life itself? Life itself on the list of things in life that we like, you know? Do we remember to include life itself? That to me is the field. Can we see not just the thing, but the space around it? Can we hear not just the sound, but the silence? So, in other words, can we open to the blessing that is life itself rather than just focusing on some specific blessing that we have or don't have? Can we take a step back and remember that we are alive?

[11:01]

We're real clear about what's happening in life, but do we, can we, maybe now, step back and see the field that that's all arising in, just the fact that we're alive? And of course, to do that, to appreciate just that we're alive, that there is life, just to appreciate and connect with life itself isn't to block out something. It's not that by turning towards just life itself, we somehow lose sight of the things happening in life. Like, oh, I didn't see that cow. I was looking at the field. It includes each thing. Everything we meet, of course, is life. This isn't... To focus on life itself, to look at the field and not just the cows, is not to turn away from any individual thing.

[12:10]

Each individual thing itself is life too. We don't use it as an excuse to not see something. But it's an invitation and encouragement. So most of the day, most days, I'm a bit caught up and distracted by the presence or absence of something in my life. I want something I don't have or I don't want something I have. That's pretty much all day long. And I think all night, too. I want something I don't have and I don't have something I want. And that's fine. I intend to take care of all of that, to meet it with a warm heart and a wide attention. and to tend to what I can tend to.

[13:12]

But can I also stay connected with life itself, whatever's in it or not, you know? The fact of life itself. Another way to say it would be to — an intention I have is to be less caught up in how it's all going and be at least as interested in that it's going, you know? That's just, how's it going? You know, it's like, it's going, it is going. Wow, that there is life. Zen is so subtle and so difficult and so vital because it's trying to point to life itself. So like, oh yeah, right. So what part, like what thing, where is it? No, the whole thing, just that there's a thing. Life, we're alive. Of course, everything that happens is just that life. But can we stay close to the life itself? So, you know, as soon as we say something, we separate from it.

[14:23]

This is an old principle in Zen, which is why Zen people don't like to talk and they don't like to not talk. They're just, it's impossible. Because as soon as you say something, as soon as you point to something, you're outside of it. You're separate from it. As soon as we say, oh, that's over there. It's like, oh yeah, life. Cool. Let's look at it. Where is it? We're outside of it, looking at it. But this is something that we're trying to be inside of and notice that we're inside of, which is being alive. But it's frustrating to talk about because then we objectify it. We put it out there. We basically make the field another cow. So as soon as we say it's a field, we're like, oh yeah, there's also a field. There's not also a field. What we mean by field is the whole thing. The whole thing. How do we point to that? How do we talk about that? It's kind of the tension or the subtlety of Zen teaching. And when it's done well, we can sometimes feel it, and then there's, this morning, may we open to life itself.

[15:29]

There's something amazing that's happening all of the time. that's really apart from any of the specific amazing things that may or may not be happening on any given day. There is something amazing happening all of the time, which is being alive. And this practice invites us to just notice and appreciate that, and to share it with one another, and to let that wonder flow through supporting others. So I had a friend early on in my practice who saw, I think, that I was opening a bit to some amazement at life, which I had before sort of not really noticed, which is kind of amazing that we could be alive and not really notice it, but sort of how I would describe my state. And so sort of coming to life through this practice, recovering some amazement, did you know we're alive?

[16:35]

This friend said to me, sort of like letting me in on a secret, you know, knowingly said, yeah, it's statistically impossible that there's anything, you know. This whole thing is impossible. There's no way, you know, there's no way this could be happening. It's amazing. I've always appreciated that. It's impossible. It's amazing. It's so strange that there is anything. Who would have thought, you know, that there would be something, that we'd get to be alive or that we'd have to be alive? So we don't really know what it is that's here. We can say that it's strange or that it's impossible. We don't really know what it is.

[17:37]

Can we sit and walk and talk and work a recalling with the recollection, with the appreciation of the utter strangeness of life? Can we touch that? And again, can we touch it from the inside? So to feel the strangeness, to talk about life as strange, how strange that there's anything, is a little bit third person, you know? It's kind of scientific. Like we step outside it and then say, wow, that's amazing that that happened over there. It's like third person wonder. And then we're about the first person wonder, you know? This is strange. Right now what's happening, this body, this breath, this being right here is... inconceivable and subtle and strange and wonderful. I thought that when we come into this world, one of the principles that would be good to be informed of in the manual, perhaps, if they get to that,

[19:05]

producing that manual for newcomers, it should note we should be advised that we're not going to get a handle on what's happening here. We're not going to get a handle on what's happening here. So we get here and we think, okay, we should get a handle on what's happening here. And so then we try to figure out what it is to be alive. We try to get our arms around it or our mind around it or our heart around it. What is this? What is this situation? But it always kind of slips away. It's always a little bit out of reach. We don't quite get a handle on what it is to be alive. There's always this uncertainty. There's always, I think, this basic strangeness. So our teaching in Zen is to connect fully with life, to fully come into our life.

[20:15]

And when we hear this teaching, we may go off and try to grab life so that we can connect with it. Let's find life and get connected with it. It's not working. So the Buddha said, connect with life, I'm going to find it, and then I'm going to connect with it. But of course, this life that we're trying to find has no handles, and this me who's trying to find it, we also can't really get a grip on. So how do we connect with life? How do we connect with fully embody, fully be here for this life that we can't catch, that's always shifting and slipping away? And even when it seems like it's still for a minute, we can't quite figure it. So in one of the founding stories of the Zen tradition, a student came to his teacher with an anxious and upset mind and said, teacher, please calm my mind for me.

[21:27]

Please help me to calm my mind. And the teacher, Bodhidharma, said, sure, bring it to me. Find it, you know, find it and then I'll hook you up to it. I'm feeling disconnected with life. Can you help me? Sure. find life, and then find yourself, and then I'm happy to, like, connect you two. So this disciple, said thank you, and went off to find the mind so that he could bring it to Bodhidharma so he could get it calmed down. And a few years passed of ardent seeking for this mind, because there's a lot at stake, because he was really upset, and he knew what he had to do was find it and bring it to Bodhidharma. We so deeply long to connect with life. And for some of us, that creates a great ardor to find life. What is it? Because I want to connect with it. I don't want to miss it. So I'm going to find it, and then I'm going to connect with it. So he comes back after years and says, teacher, I can't find it.

[22:33]

I think maybe he said, you know, I almost found it. I had it. I had it for a second, but... It slipped away. And the teacher says, I've pacified it for you. Great teaching of Bodhidharmas. I've calmed your mind. We can relax into the not knowing. We can relax into that we can't quite get a handle on what's happening. We can live fully in that. rather than like waiting to live until we get a good handle on this thing, you know. So we fully connect with life without ever getting a handle on life. And of course we do connect, we can connect with our body, with our mind, with one another, with our breath and the sound.

[23:36]

can come into where we are like this room and then instead of trying to get a handle on it like presence is going to be getting some kind of handle on it the presence is letting it flow not needing to get a handle, not needing to understand what's happening, but just entering fully what's happening. I've been thinking of it lately, our practice of sitting here and living in Zen is to enter life as this question, not to get it, just to enter the question of life.

[24:54]

to sit in the question of human life. So that's my intention and a way of thinking about our Zen practice, to just sit and walk and work in the question that is human life. It's like letting the sound of the wind be kind of a question. It kind of is a question, you know? It's not a thing to grab hold of. It's a question. We join that question. We are that question. So some of us sometimes think, and God forbid, teach, that Zen is about getting something. Getting some answer to the question of human life, life itself. But it's not about getting the answer to human life. It's about training and practicing in fully living the question of human life.

[26:01]

So when I mean to sit in or live in the question of human life, I don't mean exactly that we ask some question about it. I hope that's clear. It's more like, can we see it as a question? Find some opening in that. A Dharma gate. That just being here is a kind of question. Being alive is a kind of question. It's uncertain, ungraspable, uncatchable. Each breath is a question. And each thought and each movement. So there are these great meditation techniques and these great... Zen questions, you know, that we sometimes bring into practice that I think try to point to this question of what is going on here? What is it to be alive so that we can connect with that, so that we can open to that? So questions like who am I or what am I? What is this?

[27:10]

Who am I? What is this? Those are really good questions to live in, to live with. And we can notice that as soon as we ask them, we're maybe a little bit outside again. It's maybe a little too much to even ask that question. Can we just sit quietly and be that question, be that wonder. We reach for it, we'll be separated from it. We try to get a handle on it, we'll be separated from it. To just live, flow, play in the unhandleable situation.

[28:19]

One of my favorite pointers to this subtle and vital point is from our ancestor Hongzhi, who says, as some of you have heard me say before, it's among my favorite pointers in Zen. He says, with thoughts clear, sitting silently, wander into the center of the circle of wonder. What am I supposed to do in meditation? Just settle down a little bit and wander into the center of the circle of wonder. What? Okay, how? Just settle down a little bit and wander into the center of the circle of wonder. You don't need to even ask a question. So to sit silently and wander into this wonder, what does that mean exactly?

[29:34]

It might sound like being awestruck, wonder, you know? Wonder, being awestruck is like we're wandering in the woods and we come across some, you know, ancient glade and are awestruck and stopped in our tracks, you know. We crest the mountain and see the vast valley below and are awestruck. That's great when you can get it. That happens. It happens in meditation now and then that we're awestruck. It happens in life now and then that we're blessed, that we're graced to be awestruck. How wonderful how inspiring when that arises. But that's not what I mean by wonder. I don't think it's what this teaching is pointing to. It's not like, oh, if you're a real Zen person, you'll just be like, wow, wow, wow, awestruck and stopped all day long.

[30:40]

Maybe. It doesn't have to feel like that. Awestruck is kind of like a thing that could happen or not happen, you know? It's a cow we could count. This wonder is deeper than that, is quieter than that. This wonder isn't a specific feeling, it's just a sense of a question, a sense of, hmm, I'm not sure what it is. No matter what the so-called life feels like in any moment, we can have some, there's a flavor, there's a posture, there's an attitude of openness and curiosity and wonder. So rather than looking to this big, awestruck kind of wonder and, you know, wanting... That's definitely on the list of things that I'm not getting that I want to be getting, which is maybe why, you know, meditate.

[31:46]

What about the kind of slow burn, silent, quiet, subtle wonder that's just staying... deeply, quietly, even just barely connected with the great mystery of being alive, all day long, no matter what's happening, when we're getting what we want, when we're not getting what we want, in touch, in this subtle, quiet way, with the basic mystery of life, that there is anything. I think this is part of what a mature Zen person embodies. and is supported by this kind of slow burn, embodied wonder, you know, which creates this deep ground, this deep capacity to meet whatever comes. This feeling of being in this question, of not really knowing, of not really needing a handle, not really trying to get a handle.

[32:57]

So for me, one of the great gifts of Zen practice is that we are so enthusiastically, unreservedly invited into the wonder, into the strangeness of life. It's not something we need to be shy about or turn away from or cover over. No, we can be a little sensitive about it. For instance, to say, you know, I think life is very, very strange. It's a little vulnerable because I sort of feel like, well, we're supposed to have it figured out by now, right? However long we've been alive, we're supposed to kind of have a handle on it. So I'd like to just confess and invite you maybe if you'd like to confess too or just enjoy, appreciate. It's very strange. Still, what's happening is very strange. I actually have no idea what's going on. Do any of you have any idea what's going on?

[34:10]

I mean, ask me on any given day, I'll give you a long list of ideas, you know. But really, and that's this kind of subtlety, this subtle knowing of like, even in my list of ideas, it's like, and I have no idea what's going on. Then it's like we don't have to hide from that or kind of like cover that over or pretend, you know. I know what's going on here, folks. We don't have to do that. We can know. We do know. So when we know, we just know. That's fine. Again, this isn't like we can't know. It's just remembering that even though we know, we also really don't. Because we can't. Because it's not a knowable thing. It's inconceivably strange and wonderful what's happening. No one has ever known. No one will ever know. This thing cannot be grasped. And we can just enter that. We can appreciate that. And we don't have to make a big deal of it, you know?

[35:12]

We can just continue to live and work and occasionally whisper to each other, you know? Did you notice how strange it is that there's anything? we can share that kind of most obvious public secret that none of us know. It's very strange. And that doing so, opening to that strangeness, that wonder, is deeply grounding. This is kind of a paradox. But it's true. It's true in my experience. It's true in my own life. It's true, I think, for each of us when we glimpse that. Not knowing, being in the question, being in wonder— is not... There can be some disorientation as we shift from really being in control to softening a bit. But overall, it's a great release, a great grounding to not be holding so tight onto knowing what life is.

[36:16]

It's not a loss, actually. It's a great gain. It actually allows us to receive... the inconceivable blessing moment by moment that allows us to turn that over. So we don't need to be afraid of the strangeness. We don't need to be afraid of not knowing. Even if it's a little uncomfortable at first, it's okay to not know. Yeah, because anyway you don't. So it's actually stopping trying to know, stopping trying to know is just such a relief that then we can just not know and take care of each other. So as we forget a bit, as we open to the wonder, wander in the wonder, sit and walk and work in the vicinity of the circle of wonder, our grasping for things may well soften, may matter a little less whether that thing is present or absent in our life, the more we're connected with the basic blessing that there is life, the basic wonder.

[37:31]

as we soften our knowing, soften our grip, we also may find that we soften our self-centeredness a bit. We're forgetting what we know about life. We might forget, you know, how they wronged us and why we hate them. may even forget that we're separate from one another. Oh, I didn't remember. We can remind each other too. It's deeply trustworthy. That's the proposal of the Buddha Dharma, of the Zen teaching, that opening to this wonder, allowing this mystery to just take up residence in our belly, just a subtle way to be close to this mystery, that's trustworthy. It supports our vow to live for the benefit of one another.

[38:39]

When we forget what we know, forget to hold on, may forget we're separate, we may forget to look out for number one, you know? We can just take full responsibility for our life. Nothing to protect exactly, nothing to defend. And just feeling and noticing that we're supported and nourished by life, which we don't know what it is. So to live with this wonder is deeply humanizing. It's the human condition, you know, wonder and strangeness. So to touch that, we come to life and we allow one another to come to life as life. not knowing ourself exactly, not having a handle and not knowing one another exactly. This underlies and fuels and supports our bodhisattva vow of joining in the responsibility for the suffering of others and working to alleviate it.

[39:53]

So this year and today and right now, pounding our blessings, opening to the blessing. May we remember that we are, in all of it, blessed just to be at all. That we don't have to hold on. We don't need to get a handle. but we can just sit and walk and work together in the bare and basic question that is human life. Thank you so much for your kind and open-minded attention. Sincerely hope that something

[40:58]

A value was conveyed this morning. If not, what great sounds today with which to wash your ears. Any blessing we've noticed, any blessing we've received as we practice this morning together, we turn it over, we offer it. to the freedom from suffering of all beings near and far. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click Giving.

[42:04]

May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[42:07]

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