This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Now that we've made that vow to hear the real and liberating truth of reality, our ears are open. And maybe our eyes are open. This reality might have a heart thing too, so you might want to open your heart a little bit. No pressure. Open your body in the upright. Open. dignified sitting, opening our whole being to this.

[01:24]

call it a woodpecker. Or anyway, don't be fooled. So good morning. Thank you for coming. My name is Jiryu. I'm the abiding abbot here at Green Gulch Farm, Green Dragon Temple. And in the last few days, some of us, many of us in the hall actually have been sitting and walking and chanting together in what we call seshin, a kind of retreat. Seshin means to gather together, to gather and contact the heart and the mind and the light and the sound and the sensation and to try to gather everything, gather everything in. We may feel our life is scattered, which is a real feeling, even though where would it be scattered to?

[02:53]

But still, the feeling of having a scattered life is real, and so we practice this sesshi in practice of bringing our whole being together. the body, okay, every bit of the body right here, every bit of the heart, you know, everything I'm feeling and wanting and liking and not liking and needing, all of it gathered, nothing left out. You say, but the whole point of coming here is to feel other than how I'm feeling. Would have driven over the road just to feel the same way I'm feeling before. point was to leave those feelings on the other side of the hill. Mountains have always been for. So then we arrive and we say, let's gather it all, bring it all in. And then the mind, bringing the mind to hear that the mind and the breath and the body and the heart and the sound and the light is all in the same place and we're totally here for it.

[04:07]

This is the meaning of Sashin, our aspiration in the practice of Sashin. And so we've been practicing these little arts and crafts, you could say, these little Zen tricks handed down, you know, for thousands of years, these little exercises to bring body and mind and heart and sound and light all together to the same place. For example, bringing our palms together, flat and strong, and just, you know, the tops of the fingers aligned with the nose and the hands a fist width from the nose and the elbows parallel to the ground. I wish it were so simple. to gather the whole being.

[05:11]

But we say, let's try, at least doing this, we'll remember some intention to gather. Our late Avis Blanche used to do this, what we call Gosho, our palms together. She would sometimes do it with arms. Everything. What does that mean? Everything brought in, everything gathered. And then we do this and we say, am I doing it correctly? What do they think? And then I'm saying, geez, what have I just told them? Am I getting it right? What do they think? So then we all get very confused. And then to bow deeply. And I was so carried away the other day teaching this bow, you know. What else to do but gather the whole thing and bow? Forget about hearing the truth. Forget about knowing the truth.

[06:14]

How about just bring it all and bow so little carried away as I sometimes am. And so we should just bow all the way, all the way down. Just fold until you fall on your face. And I need to be more careful because people really listen. And it's been so tender and beautiful to see people, all kinds of people with all kinds of bodies in each of us in our own way, just meeting, inviting our version of this wholehearted form to express this aspiration that our actual heart has of let's do this. Let's do this. We're here. Apparently, we don't get to be here long. That's what it says on the wooden board. You don't get to be here long. Why not just totally be here for it?

[07:18]

What's the... Why not... I'm trying to remember why not... Some kind of... Oh, that's a good question just to sit with. Why not give our whole being to each moment? Well, I don't want reality or anybody in reality to get the wrong idea that I, like, condone the situation. That's maybe a reason. What else? Why not give our whole being to this moment? As Gil Fransdell was reminding us recently, you know, when you feel the kind of satisfaction or fulfillment or joy in that kind of practice, then you're less quick to just to give it away, you know.

[08:32]

You're less quick to sacrifice it, even when you have a good excuse to. Like, well, this is a really boring meeting. Nobody would fault me for bringing just like 12% of myself to it. But when you've tasted bringing your whole being, why give that 88% up so easily, you know? I'd just rather be all the way here. I'm not like saving that energy, you know? I'm not going to like live a little bit longer by being half-hearted in this moment. Somehow that adds out to the end. And would we even want it at the end? So to just give ourselves, Suzuki Roshi's teaching is to live like a great bonfire. Just give your whole being and be burned up in each moment with no trace remaining. So we've been practicing Sashin in this way, earnestly bringing body and breath and mind and light and sound and sensation and feeling, everything included, trying to wrap our arms and bring it all in.

[09:45]

in our sitting posture, which is so open. And then... So that's like the first day, you know. And then we get kind of tired. And we start to relax and settle into the practice of welcoming and being gathered. Often this is kind of the arc of a session or even just of a single period of meditation. If we come with strong intention, you know, we're going to be wholehearted. We're going to gather our whole self and then there's a kind of easing in or resting or settling in. And we notice it's kind of already here together.

[10:55]

So it's kind of already gathered up. I don't have to be the one gathering the whole thing together. I think some of you know what I mean. Suzuki Roshi says, in big mind, everything is included. When you're just you, yourself, everything is already gathered up. It's all included. It's more like we're gathered in it. So then we sit... just resting in the kind of oneness or gathered upness or integrity or wholeness of everything even before I did something to make that happen.

[12:09]

Everything is exactly in its place, gathered, not separate. Our zazen practice is just to sit upright and still and open in the midst of that. What a relief. In one of my favorite teachings from Suzuki Roshi, he expresses this very beautifully, and I wanted to share, as I often do, from this chapter of his teaching. And he's talking about a practice that I haven't been emphasizing in this Sashin, but alluding to a little bit.

[13:39]

which is this practice of exhaling completely, letting go of everything on the exhalation. He says, perfect calmness of mind, utter stillness and peace. Does that sound good? Want that? I'll have some of that. So where is it? It's just beyond the end of the exhalation. I'm not going to be able to get it. It's just out of reach. But anyway, we can sink towards it, breathing all the way out. And he says, you know, it's kind of like dying. Just letting go of everything, releasing everything that can be released. And not trying doesn't mean dying.

[14:43]

It means not trying to be alive anymore. Later he says, you know, our whole problem is that we're always trying to be alive, which is kind of just confusing. Our life doesn't actually need us to do that. Like it didn't, it hasn't, it didn't start needing us to do anything about it. Did you notice that you were born? I mean, someone had to do something. Thank you, mom. And all moms, for your effort, but our life is received, you know. The other day I said, you know, we didn't ask to be alive. And that's not quite what I meant. That sounds kind of like adolescent tantrum, you know. Like, I didn't ask for this, mom. You did this to me. A real feeling and totally deserved. a way that it can feel to be a human being.

[15:44]

But it didn't quite mean like we didn't ask for it or we shouldn't have to be doing it. It was more like this wasn't our idea. It wasn't our idea and we didn't have to do anything to make it. And then at some point we got the feeling like we had to start doing the thing that was given to us. When did that start? When did we feel like, all right, well, the first year was like, but now I've got to take the reins and like do life from now on and no wonder it's like downhill from there you know because so Suzuki Roshi says when we just exhale stopping trying to that being alive that we're trying to do that we feel like we need to be doing we just stop trying to do that, to be that, to be anything, and just dissolve in the brightness.

[16:49]

And then he says, at the end of that exhalation, this utter stillness and calm. And then an inhalation comes. Who did that? You see, that is the whole thing. That is it. You didn't have to do it. You haven't been making it. It's given. When you let go, then life is received. And sometimes that feels like I have to do something. No problem. as we practice this kind of breathing and practice this kind of sitting, even though we have to do something and it's hard, we know that we're held, that we're being lived.

[17:56]

So he says to take care of the exhalation is very important, to die or fade away into emptiness. is more important than trying to be alive. When we always try to be alive, we have trouble. Rather than trying to be alive or active, if we can be calm and let go and surrender on the exhalation, then naturally we will be all right. Buddha will take care of us. Because we have lost our mother's lap, we do not feel like her child anymore. Yet surrendering on the exhalation can feel like being in our mother's lap. And we will feel as though she will take care of us. This line is so meaningful to me and...

[19:03]

I get the feeling that Suzuki Roshi really loved his mother and was sad to be too big to fit in her arms anymore. And I know, sadly, that that's not the case for everyone. That the mother's arms, the mother's lap might not feel like a place of safety and ease and rest and love. If not, I hope you have some feeling for that total tender care and safety from someone in your life. And maybe it was your mother or is your mother. And even if you really don't know that feeling, then we can try what Suzuki Roshi says.

[20:14]

Just breathe all the way out and surrender. Let go of everything that you're being and doing. Notice the inhalation received. And you are in the lap of the Buddha. The Buddha will take care of you. I've been studying this text from our ancestor Shurto or Sekito Kisen, Dayosho, and he has this line in the Song of the Grass Roof Hermitage, a poem about profound ease. He says, let go of hundreds of years. Like that image in the exhalation.

[21:17]

Like I talk about, you know, let go of like the parking lot, you know, let go of the past moment. In that exhalation, let go. But that's not enough to just let go of the past moment. Let go of the whole year. Nope, not enough. Let go of like this whole adult life. That's getting closer. Good. Now let go of hundreds of years. Breathing out. Breathe out into that calmness past the end of the exhalation. Breathe out hundreds of years. Let go of hundreds of years and relax completely. Open your hands and walk innocent. So here's the dance, right?

[22:19]

We don't let go because we don't think we're held and we're not held because we're not letting go. So it takes practice. So silly, earnest practice. Letting go again and again. And then we're held. We didn't need to gather anything. We didn't need to do anything. We're held in the already gathered up. Let our life just be lived. This profound ease of that kind of teaching. Well, as I said, I am deeply fortunate to love my mother.

[23:41]

And, you know, we both could have done better. And the deep love and peace and safety that I felt with her, I was remembering this morning, as she was dying about a year and a half ago, how precious it was in her last days to be able a few times to crawl into bed with her and just feel this safety and peace and love and rest and ease. like being back in her lap. What is that feeling of safety and rest and peace and ease?

[24:53]

If a bear had come into the house, she would have been no use. She couldn't even move her body. There's nothing she could do for me. So why did I feel safe lying next to her? Like it's all going to be okay. feeling that this morning. I thought, I wonder if that's something like what Suzuki Roshi means when he says the Buddha will take care of us. The Buddha also is useless against the bear. This practice, this ease, this love, it's not going to help us.

[26:05]

In how we think it could help us. It's not going to make the hard thing not be hard. It's something underneath. Knowing that we're in the lap of the Buddha. Knowing that we are gathered in big mind. that life is holding us that we really can breathe out all the way hundreds of years so I want to share one more image and then we'll close but don't get too excited. It's a long one. So another image of mothers that Suzuki Roshi uses and that I, even though Suzuki Roshi uses it a few times in his teaching, Tenshin Roshi, Rabbi Anderson also often referred us, pointed us to this experience that he had of seeing a mother that really deepened his understanding of

[27:36]

what our zazen, our meditation, our life practice is. So he was in the airport, in the airport, and he saw this toddler running around recklessly through the airport. And right behind them was their mother. Kind of like this, running right behind them, you know. Not restraining. not controlling, not scolding, not praising, just right there, attentive, ready, loving, present. And I don't know, he shared with us that he felt like that is it. That's what this practice is. That's how I want to treat everything that arises in my life.

[28:41]

That's how I want to be with my body and my mind and my heart and my friends and my enemies and the light and the sound. I think this is a really important point, so I just want to... stay here for a moment Zen practice in the true sense even though there's all these benefits of Zen practice Zen practice in the true sense is not about achieving any kind of feeling in our life it's not about achieving any kind of feeling it's about the relationship that we have with with whatever feeling we're having. So it's like the practice is for moms, not for babies.

[29:43]

So we might think, you know, when I practice, I'm going to be calm and happy. Just like a mother wants her baby more than anything to be calm and happy. Zen practice is not, getting the baby to be calm and happy. Zen practice is when the baby's calm and happy, you're right there, loving it, open to it, present with it, welcoming, gathering, including. And when the baby's flipping out, you're right there. Suzuki Roshi points out, it's not that you know what to do, because you don't know what to do. But you're right there. You're right there with it. It's about the relationship with what's happening. It's not about what's happening. It's not about controlling what's happening. It's not about an outcome in the realm of what's happening.

[30:47]

Even though it has these side effects, which are become very confusing. Like I do Zazen practice, so then I feel calm. So then I think Zazen practice is to make me feel calm. But it's not. That was just a side effect on the label. may result in love and calmness. Warning, actually warning. And then you'll lose the point, which is not. And then you won't feel the calmness and the love anymore. And you'll say, oh, I've got to get back to the zendo. It's like a year till I can get the days off to do the next sashim. That's the worst. Better that you didn't feel the calm. If instead you could feel like There's something here deep and subtle that I could cultivate about the relationship that I have with the things that are arising in this life. So then when the baby's happy, I'm right here, happy and attentive and present.

[31:49]

And when it's really hard, right here, present, attentive. So I've been working on this breathing and working on just this practice of ease has been sort of a theme for me in these recent weeks and months. And I want to feel the ease all the way through my being. And I know that other people also want that for me. Yeah. and for themselves, you know, by extension. And it's embarrassing to say I'm practicing ease because, you know, it's a little bit exposed, just like when you tell someone how to bow, and then you notice how you're bowing.

[32:54]

So anyway, whether or not I'm succeeding in this practice of ease, the point is not like Oh, if I feel ease, I get an A on my intention for the day. And if I feel stress and burden and like, ah, I have to do life, then I'm like failing in my intention of ease. The intention is always there. The practice is always there. That's the baby. The ease practice is talking to the mother, to the big mind, saying, wow, cheer you, you're really feeling this tension and this... and this clenching and this sense that you have to do that's welcome that's included it's okay it's gathered in the wide field so it's meeting it with ease and it might that might leak a little bit into the feeling I'm having but it might not so maybe no one will notice you know

[34:01]

But still, it's not nothing. I know the difference between being caught and feeling just totally caught. And being caught and feeling like, it's okay, you're feeling caught. So that's what I wanted to share this morning. as an expression of our seshin practice and as an offering of gratitude to mothers past, present, and future. And we do have a few minutes if there's anybody wants to offer a comment or a question. Feel free to make yourself comfortable if you're not.

[35:04]

And some folks I know have to leave. We have maybe 10 or 15 more minutes if there's questions or comments. Thank you for your talk. In your talk, you spoke about two things that I also wanted to speak to. You spoke about gathering everything and the feeling of love. And particularly I liked how you talked about how the practice isn't about feeling calm. The other day actually while sitting I felt quite upset. There was a phrase in one of our chants that I was quite stuck on. And this idea of dropping away body and mind. And I felt like I couldn't do that. And I was getting progressively more stuck on it.

[36:07]

But the next line was to take to the mountains like a tiger. And in my anger, I felt like, oh, I can take to the mountains like a tiger. I can't do part one, but I can do part two. I can do part two. And in fact, oh boy, because I also don't want to show anger when I'm in my Zen practice. I want to feel that peace and love. And I started to think about that tiger taking to the mountains. And I thought, oh my gosh, I have never seen a tiger. I don't know what that looks like, actually. And so I thought about my childhood cat. Because that was the only being that I could draw to mind. Like a cat taking to the couch. Well, I'm glad that everyone likes this.

[37:12]

My cat was an indoor-outdoor cat. So... And so he would take to the hills, but also when it would be just me and him, he would, and I would pet him and he would purr, he would just drool and drool and drool. And he was the sentient being that I have always felt just total and complete, unconditional love from. And in that moment of fully bringing in my anger, I felt 16 years of unconditional love and support and strength and the grief of having lost my cat all at once. And I started ugly crying on the mat. And so I just wanted to encourage everyone to include everything.

[38:19]

Thank you very much. Any other comments or questions or session stories? I have a question instead of a story. Please. Thank you. I can't see you. I wonder, could you stand up, or would that be simple? Oh, hi. Hello. My question is about how to, or rather to, keep the status of what we felt during this as and after in our daily life. For me, the fact, the status, fades away in half or one hour.

[39:26]

And yeah, the question is first whether we want to keep it and then if yes, how? Yeah. I mean, I want to keep it. When I feel that peace, I want to lock it in a little box and make sure nobody messes with it. And so wanting to keep it I mean, yeah. Does the baby want the, you know, does the kid want the candy? So I want to keep it, and that's beautiful. It's beautiful to touch something deep and feel like, why be any other way? But maybe more than keeping it is like renewing in that moment of appreciating the stillness or the rest or the love, or the intimacy, to make a vow, to let that clarity drop down into our bones as a vow, I vow to stay true to this love, and this ease, and this calm.

[40:48]

And that doesn't mean like I'm gonna, because I can't. I don't know what's going to happen in the next moment, actually. But I've seen now something true, and so I vow to not forget it and to let that guide me even when I don't see it anymore. So we really emphasize in this practice the power of vowing as the kind of way to get those deepest moments of contact, to get them reinforced and integrated into our life so that when we're We don't remember anything. What is the point of any of this? And we have no idea because it's just murky and muddy. And then there's this sense of like, I wonder why I made this vow. I wonder what that was about. And it's like, oh, the one time that I actually had a feeling for what this thing was about, I made a vow, you know, and I carved it in my bones and I can't really feel it right now, but I trust it. Definitely trust it more than this, like,

[41:54]

nonsense I'm in now so it can guide us even when we're not feeling it and we talk about this as the power of vow so that's a way to really let that peace and ease register deeply and say yeah this really is important this really is the thing I vow that my life be organized around and in service of this and I don't know what's going to happen so And then we have to tend to our daily practice, unfortunately. And to just keep renewing, it's not about keeping anything. It's just about whenever we hear the little stirring of a reminder of like, hey, what was this life about again? Was there something important here? Did it matter if I was half-hearted or wholehearted? Like, is love a thing? Whatever. When you have some some kind of stirring of a call towards wholeness that you turn towards it with sincerity and let it all the way in.

[43:05]

Do you know what I mean? So renewing, renewing, we can't make ourselves remember when we don't remember, but I think we are kind of remembering more than we think. It's just that little like, yeah, shut up about the love thing. I'm mad, you know? But part of the training is to be sensitive to when just the little kind of call, it's like, wow, that bird is beautiful. Let's listen for a moment. Like, I don't have time to listen to the bird. Really, it's going to slow you down to like listen to the bird as you walk instead of like think about your grudge. It's being more and more sensitive to those little calls that reality is always calling us in. And we know it, we hear it, but we dismiss it so much of the time. So we don't get to keep it. But part of the wisdom is how we organize our life to find ways that will catch us, even if we lose it for a long time, that we'll find ourselves maybe back in a zendo or back walking in front of the Buddha in our room.

[44:13]

You know, be like, why did I put that there? Oh, yeah. Why did I put that there? And then we breathe out again. all the way, and we let go of hundreds of years, and we are actually born fresh and new. Thank you so much for your kind attention and your sincere practice. Maybe one more question? Oh, two more? Okay. Sorry. I just have a story to share. It's okay. I just have a story to share. Okay. It happened last year during the session here. Before I came here, I had a severe depression. And one night, we were doing Zazen.

[45:14]

And it started like... really cold, like it was dark, the frogs were walking and I started having really negative thoughts. They started coming up like harshly to me nonstop. But I would try to keep everything together. I kept my eyes open, tried to see everything and don't push those negative thoughts away and hear the frogs all the time. And it felt like eternity, like this negative thoughts were pushing me down until I suddenly hear the ring. And I realized that my cheeks are full of tears. So I tried to wipe them down to not disturb everybody. It was night of the ceremony. So then we started preparing for ceremony, chanting out dedication to Dharma, and we started doing prostrations. And during the prostration,

[46:17]

I start having cramp in my core. And a lot of thoughts were coming to me to this moment, right? Because we were doing our vows. I was thinking, like, should I leave? What should I do? And I kept bowing. This pain in my core. Because it was such an important moment for all of us, right? So... I kept doing prostrations while I had a cramp. And then the ceremony ended. And I never felt so connected to the life. Even though it was such a hard evening having those negative thoughts, those prostrations full of pain, somehow it felt so important that I have this. And after Sashin, when I came back and I did the test, I had no signs of depression.

[47:22]

So I just want to encourage everybody to not be so attached to the feeling calm or other pleasant feelings. Thank you. And... you be free of depression your whole life. And whatever happens, you know how to practice with what's happening, which is even better than getting what you want. Thank you for sharing that sincerity and wholehearted practice. Maybe two in the back and one in the front, and then we will end by 1120. I just wanted to say thank you for that talk.

[48:28]

A lot of my spirituality is grounded in gratitude and I appreciated the reflections on motherhood today. It sparked a reflection in me about feminine power and feminine rage and how this is something that is so important for us to hold together when we think of Mother's Day and the iconography of flowers and sweetness. Beings are numberless due to mothers and mothering. And I wanted to hold that gratitude together that isn't just about flowers and sweetness, but it's also a lot about blood, suffering, labor pain. And I really appreciate you expressing such gratitude at the end for Mother's past, present, and future from which we came. Thank you.

[49:32]

Thank you very much. One in the front and then we'll close. I have a sishin experience. After tea, I sat in that small garden, and I don't know what I was experiencing, but I could see all the sunlight on all the leaves, and the hummingbird was very still, and another bird dove for a worm, and I saw that. And I was very concentrated, but I... didn't have awareness. So when someone tried to bow to me halfway through their bow, I was like, oh, I should probably do that too. And then I did it. And when I sat, I had that same concentration and these small Buddhas appeared.

[50:34]

And I thought, wow, I've taken the precepts. I didn't ingest anything except the hibiscus tea. So I'm not high. But I felt such vivid things. And then We did kin-hin, and then I sat, and the next sitting was completely mundane. Except for someone outside who was speaking very loudly about their air fryer. So it arose, and then it passed. But while I had that feeling, I would have these small shakes or spasms, and the two things that I kept coming back to was the breath. which carried me through both the high and the medane, and also the sangha, feeling Kika on my left and my seat partner to my right. I felt like in the sangha, nothing that bad can happen.

[51:35]

May it be so. Even though... We can't help with the bear, you know. That with the sangha, it's okay. Even when things go very wrong. Thank you so much for that story. It got better and better. Hibiscus tea. And so when the baby is happy, we're right there. When the baby is crying, we're right there. When the baby is just sitting there, we're right there.

[52:37]

Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[53:10]

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