This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. I'd like to thank all the teachers in this valley who have for decades, five decades, offered the Dharma to so many beings coming to this valley. All the practice discussions, the dokasans, the sashims, the practice periods, the seasons of the farm over and over. bakery, all under the guidance and care of those devoted to meeting life, the fullness of life with the Dharma.

[01:20]

So thank you so much. My name is Nancy Petrin, and I currently reside at San Francisco Zen Center City Center. I'm speaking from the Green Gulch, Zendo, the old barn. And it's so wonderful to be here. And as I say that, I'm very aware of all of you. joining us online, who haven't been able to be here. And I'm holding that tenderness. I know that longing, and I think we all do. We all now know what it means to be able to intimately be together.

[02:29]

We know. what it feels like to not be. I arrived here over 25 years ago. I was brokenhearted when I arrived. Many of you might be able to relate. that, arriving to practice, searching for a different way. And I received Zazen instruction right there who was sitting. I think Katie Whitehead gave Zazen instruction that day. And I received Jukai right there with Linda Ruth Katz.

[03:30]

In 1997, I'm wearing my rock suit, which is turning purple. I think it's very regal. And I was married in this barn. And so intimate. So many hours of practice. So many hours facing the wall. Being with the fullness. And when I left here, oh, I became a mother here. I raised my daughter in her early first five years of childhood here. And when I left, I also left brokenhearted. this out into the world.

[04:52]

I didn't know that's what I was doing. And becoming a single mom and raising my daughter. It's all been amazing. And I'm so grateful. It was very different how I arrived. But practice never leaves. Like a tiger taking to the mountains. Our vows are so much deeper than I could ever imagine. other day I was listening to a podcast with Krista Tippett.

[06:15]

Perhaps some of you know her. She has this amazing podcast called On Being. It's a whole project. And she was in conversation with Jean Hirshfield, a poet, long-time Zen practitioner, your beach neighbor. I think she's Probably still in near beach. Anyway, she's not. She's always close to heart. And in the conversation, this one line that Jane spoke really caught me. The way you can be caught and turned. What is this? She was talking about acknowledging the fullness of things. She said, acknowledging the fullness of things is our human task. It's like, oh, we've been tasked.

[07:17]

The fullness, acknowledging, acknowledging the fullness of things is our human task. And when a Zen practitioner speaks of these things, I feel as though she's, you know, seeding the Dharma. And I felt that although Jane didn't call it this, she was talking about the task of the bodhisattva, of acknowledging the fullness of things. I think when I took my bodhisattva vows, although everything in my heart yes, this is how I want to live, I think I didn't realize the enormity of that vow.

[08:26]

You know, the vow to meet each moment, each thing that arises fully. My understanding is this is how we acknowledge the fullness of life. Suzuki Roshi, oh, before I go to Suzuki Roshi, I wanted to say something about a poem by Naomi Shihapnai. a wonderful poet of Palestinian ancestry and in this poem that came out in 2000 I'm not sure when the poem came out but I did when I was looking for it just the other day see that in 2018 it was the most read poem over or at least online over 250 people had looked up this poem

[09:41]

And Naomi starts out by saying, before you know what kindness really is, you must lose things. Feel the future dissolve in a moment like salt in a weakened broth. What you held in your hand, what you counted and carefully saved, all this must go so you know how desolate the landscape can be. the regions of kindness. And perhaps you can think of a time, a time perhaps when you are really struggling, and the simplest kindness just touched so deeply, oftentimes so unexpectedly. You know, just a simple gesture, extension from someone.

[10:49]

When... I was wondering if people could relate to this feeling of tenderness. I was just thinking of all the ways that when our heart is threatened, when we feel vulnerable, just how quickly we close down. And I believe that in practice, what's being offered to us is a form to take, a way of safely, softly and gently opening our hearts.

[12:10]

irony is that we close down so quickly and what we're doing is we're protecting our heart, but actually what we truly want is freedom. We truly want an open heart in which to meet the fullness of things, the fullness of life, the fullness of each other. And I saw a documentary about that long ago, two years ago, I guess, on the Dalai Lama. And it starts out with all of these photos of his early life. You know, he was carried around and these jewels and just so much royalty. And you see as a young man, he has to leave Tibet.

[13:22]

He has to leave everything he knows, everything he loves. And he dresses as, you know, a peasant, a commoner, you know, one of us. And at the end of that documentary, you know, he said, it was the best thing. Otherwise, I never would have met the people. You know, there's all these images of him just like, you know, taking hand after hand and making eye contact with people, you know. And he also said, and this really caught my attention as well, he said the person that he learned compassion from was his mother. And when he said that, I thought of our women ancestors and how we chant known and unknown, you know.

[14:25]

For all of us who are these unknown teachers, you know, that touch us so deeply, well, very known for him. But I think this, the tenderness, the brokenheartedness, you know, of the Dalai Lama. He understands the vastness of human suffering in such a real way. I'm probably misquoting, but it stuck with me that I once heard him quoted as saying, we should all be walking around brokenhearted. And it's so true. In San Francisco, I walk out my door and... the tenderness when I pass another and I wish upon them the nobility of humanness, you know.

[15:35]

In a talk that Suzuki Roshi gave at Tassahara in 1971, the year that Suzuki Roshi passed, he was Telling the students, and I wonder if, I think sometimes it's funny for me to talk about a talk when some of our teachers were probably there. And this is how it landed for me. I listened to his talks online. I like hearing them in his voice. But in this talk, he was saying to his students, this is after years of working with them, and it was the same year he died. So this instruction came late, perhaps. Came later, after teaching, you know, the Pukhansa Zengi, after teaching, you know, this is how you sit, this is how you sit meditation. And what he says is, I want you to have the actual feeling of true practice.

[16:48]

Because even though I practiced Zazen when I was young, I didn't know exactly what it was. Sometimes I was very impressed by our practice at Eheji and other monasteries. When I saw great teachers or listened to their lectures, I was deeply moved. But it was difficult to understand those experiences. Our aim is to have complete experience or full feeling in each moment of practice. What we teach is that enlightenment and practice are one. But my practice was what we call step ladder Zen. I understand this much now. And next year, I understand this now. Oh, I understand this much now. And next year, I thought, I will understand a little bit more. That kind of practice doesn't make much sense.

[17:50]

I could never be satisfied. If you try step ladder practice, maybe you too will realize that it is a mistake. If we do not have some warm, big satisfaction in our practice, that is not true practice. Even though you sit trying to have the right posture and counting your breath, it may still be lifeless zazen because you are just following instructions. You are not kind enough with yourself. You think that if you follow the instructions given by some teacher, then you will have good zazen. But the purpose of instruction is to encourage you to be kind with yourself. Do not count your breaths.

[18:52]

Just avoid your thinking mind. but to take the best care of your breathing. If you are very kind with your breathing, one breath after another, you will have a refreshed, warm feeling in your zazen. When you have a warm feeling for your body and your breath, then you can take care, of your practice, and you will be fully satisfied. When you are very kind with yourself, naturally, you will feel like this. So this taking care of each breath. When difficult things arise in zazen, what is it to meet it with warmth and this warm care?

[20:11]

And if we practice this way, I think the fear of meeting each other in our fullness, you know, slowly melts away. Suzuki Roshi says, a mother will take care of her child even though she may have no idea how to make her baby happy. read this, I was thinking that was exactly my experience of taking care of my daughter. I had no idea. It's like, who are you? How do I, what do I do here? And I think this example

[21:23]

you know, of a mother. And this is a huge generalization. This is not true for all mothers. Being a mother is very, very complex. But I think this feeling that Suzuki Roshi is pointing to when saying this is this feeling of a parent, you know, extending this curiosity, you know, is that to have that kind of curiosity, that kind of warmth in our zazen? You know, what is here? The mystery of it, the mystery of this baby, you know? This is our human inclination. I really believe this.

[22:26]

wanting to know, to feel into the fullness of each moment, to really understand what is it that is holding me back. What is it that I am resisting in this moment, in the next moment, in the next moment, that subtle resistance, modern science is revealing more and more every day about forest science. It's becoming more and more mainstream, accepted in mainstream science, how forests, no matter what type of tree, are connected by mushrooms, by these intricate, intricate networks of mushrooms, microbial life.

[23:45]

And when a tree is in distress, that naturally the other trees will send that tree what it needs. You may be aware of this. I find this fascinating. The human body does the same thing. So when a mother is nursing their child, the milk that the human body produces is exactly what that child needs for their brain development, for their health. If a child is sick, the mother's body, through the information received from the baby's saliva, produces what that child needs. That is just amazing to me.

[24:52]

And if you somehow feel left out by that What I'm pointing to is the human body, our human body. This is what the human body does. This is the human body's impulse to completely give what is needed. And it's not that the mother knows this. This is the human response. somehow our bodies want to give in any moment what is needed.

[25:57]

And I wonder when I check in with What am I resisting in this moment, any time during the day? When I reflect on that, when I just pose that question, there's always something. And if I open, if I extend my aperture, if I feel into any moment, there's something there to receive. sounds of this old barn to touch me. And yet when we look, we cannot find it because it's not out there. So the bodhisattva vow to awaken with all beings.

[27:34]

Yesterday we had the full moon ceremony at City Center. And I was kokyo. So it was the first time I ever heard full moon ceremony. It was maya was kokyo for full moon ceremony. open, curious heart, so deeply touched. When I went to go get this book, not always so. Can they see it online? Can you see this? Yeah. photo of Suzuki Roshi.

[28:36]

I hadn't pulled this book out in a long time. And preparing for this talk, there were just so many memories of being here at Green Gulch. And I was on bed rest for the last month of my pregnancy because it turns out that making beds wasn't so good for where I was in my pregnancy. So finally, I was put on bed rest, could not get out of bed. And so I had this photo of Suzuki Roshi next to me, and I felt so, pathetic sounds judgmental, but I felt so kind of deflated. And I just kept looking at this face, This is presence, you know, to be willing to meet being so undefended because there's nothing to defend.

[29:53]

I think it's time for me to stop. Shira, you said to stop at 11. I think this is stopping time. So thank you for being here this morning. Thank you for taking care of Green Gulch. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[31:14]

May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[31:17]

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