This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Today I would like to speak about kindness. Somewhere I either read or heard once An enlightened or enlightening experience does not make an enlightened person. The longer I live and the longer I practice, the more I find that... Kindness is one of the most, the practice of kindness is one of the most profound and transformative practices.

[01:12]

You know, in Buddhism, there's a notion of karma. Karma being the effects that come from our actions. of body, mind, and speech. What prompted me to think about kindness is that right now I'm reading two books simultaneously. I'm reading a book by Temple Grandin, who has had a life experience of being labeled autistic. And she talks about her life. And in that particular book, Animals in Translation, she talks about her discovery in working with animals in, you know, cattle raising places, slaughterhouses, constructing...

[02:24]

devices on how to move cattle and how to actually be more humane. But mainly she talks about growing up in a world that wasn't shared by most of the people around her in perceptions and responses and reactions to her perceptions that weren't the ones other people had. And she had, or has, the incredible capacity to actually learn from this. The other book I'm reading right now, and I just started into it, is Mind Beyond Death, which talks about the bardos, the stages of in-between, from life through death to whatever is next, but also in-between of moment to moment.

[03:40]

And it's based on that there is a nature of mind that we all share that is luminous, Wise, I always have to look up the definition. I'll find it a little later. It says that that nature is always with us. Often it's likened to the sky which is not hindered by the clouds today, by the wind, by night, by day. It's just there, open, wise. It's also awake, awakeness. So the word kindness, I looked it up.

[04:48]

The Latin word for it, which surprised me and I thought was so appropriate, is humanitas. That means humanness. You know, very interesting. It comes also from the root of kin, which means family, race, connection. Buddhism also, you know, talks over and over about that we are infinitely interconnected. All the time, always. Never not. And actually in our everyday life, we do count on that. We don't notice it necessarily, but we count on the doctor to have done his study and be available for us to... offer his understanding to help us understand what's going on with us and how we can heal.

[05:55]

We count on the baker to get up in the morning and bake the bread so we can have breakfast. The farmer to grow his vegetables so we can go to the stock. If we didn't completely know on some fundamental level that we're completely interdependent and interconnected, we would have to be doctors, farmers, doctors, physicians, I mean, you know, physics engineers, car mechanics, car builders, house builders, heating expert. We would have to learn everything to survive in this world. Can you imagine how far we would get? So, kindness is a state of being. We can cultivate that state by practicing kindness.

[06:58]

So I would like you to take a moment, maybe close your eyes, whatever helps you, and see if you can remember a kindness being extended to you that happened maybe long ago, maybe just today. And if you remember the kindness being extended, can you, in that memory, when that is awoken, feel how this affects your body? And your emotional state, how does it make you feel that memory? or made you feel then? And how does it affect your mind?

[08:02]

And then remember a kindness you extended to somebody. Memory of when you felt kind, behaved kind toward another person. And again, see how that affected your body, your sense of being in your body. your emotional being? How did you feel? And how did it affect your state of mind? Naomi,

[09:25]

Nye, a poet whose mother was Palestinian or still is, I don't know if she's still alive, and whose father is American and whose home is San Antonio, wrote a poem called Kindness. Before you know what kindness really is, you must lose things. Feel the future dissolve in a moment. like salt in a weakened broth. What you held in your hand, what you counted and carefully saved, all this must go so you know how desolate the landscape can be between the regions of kindness. How you ride and ride, thinking the bus will never stop, the passengers eating maize and chicken, will stare out the window forever.

[10:27]

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness, you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho lies dead by the side of the road. You must see how this could be you, how he too was someone who journeyed through the night with plans and the simple breath that kept him alive. Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. You must wake up with sorrow. You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrows and you see the size of the cloth. Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore. and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread, only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say, it is I you have been looking for, and then goes with you everywhere like a shadow or a friend.

[11:48]

Would you like me to read it again? Kindness. Before you know what kindness really is, you must lose things. Feel the future dissolve in a moment like salt in a weakened broth. What you held in your hand, what you counted and carefully saved, all this must go so you know how desolate the landscape can be between the regions of kindness. How you ride and ride thinking the bus will never stop. The passengers eating maize and chicken will stare out the window forever. Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness, you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho lies dead by the side of the road. You must see how this could be you. How he too was someone who journeyed through the night with plans and the simple breath that kept him alive.

[13:02]

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. You must wake up with sorrow. You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrows, and you see the size of the cloth. Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore. Only kindness that ties your shoes and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread. Only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say... It is I you have been looking for, and then goes with you everywhere, like a shadow or a friend. There was a study done in 32 countries asking 16,000 people what they mostly desired in a mate.

[14:17]

Number one was kindness. Number two was intelligence. I don't know what the other numbers were. But kindness was the number one trait desired by 16,000 people in 32 countries in this world to be a trait of their mate. The practice or commitment to practicing kindness is powerful because actually you don't need anything but remembering and a commitment. You don't need things you have to carry around.

[15:23]

You don't need a skill. meditation hall, you don't need cushions to sit on, you don't need particular weather, particular skills that you have to go to school for. You don't need money. It's always available in all circumstances and under all conditions. as a possibility. We may not always be able to manifest it, but if we are committed, if we want to be kind, kindness will teach us everything we need to learn to be free and live a life that frees other people. That's what I would propose today.

[16:24]

It brings us in touch. You know, in this tradition, which came from Dogen Zenji, scholar of the 12th century, one of his favorite things to say or encouragement was that we need to study the self. If we take on practicing kindness, There's no way we get around on studying the self. Because it brings us in touch with our views, our likes and dislikes, our attachments, because it makes us notice when it's easy for us to be kind and when it's not easy for us to be kind. How we think about ourselves and the world shapes what we perceive.

[17:33]

There is a study that Temple Grandin in her book tells about they had, they put pilots, commercial pilots in a simulator and have them do several simulated landings in different towns in the world. And in that simulator, On the landing, occasionally there was a big commercial airplane parked on the runway there we're going to land on. And 25% of the pilots landed on top of that commercial airplane. They did not see it. They weren't expecting to be in a simulator training a landing, They weren't expecting that there would be an obstacle, so they didn't see it. It's a little scary, isn't it? But we're all these kind of pilots.

[18:40]

We don't see. We only see what in some ways we expect to see. We're in high danger of not noticing vital other details. There was another study where they asked people there was a game going on, like the Giants and the Phillies or whatever you want, and asking the people to count the passes one group was doing. So everybody was very busy counting the passes while that video was happening. During the game, a woman in a gorilla suit walked into the field, looked at the camera, Beat her breast with her fists and walked out. Can't remember how high the percentage is of people that didn't notice the gorilla. And even if they were asked, and what about the gorilla?

[19:43]

They said, what gorilla? So usually, you know, we can forget something, but if somebody asks us, then we get, oh, yeah, I saw the gorilla. I just forgot about it. It didn't register. So when we start... practicing kindness everywhere. With everybody, with everything, how do I pick up this cup? How do I set it down? When I'm happy, when I'm sad, when I'm angry, can I keep doing it kindly with an appropriate handling of what it is, we get to know the self. The self is just right in our face.

[20:44]

No, I'm not going to be kind to you because you gave me the evil eye a moment ago. Or you didn't smile at me. Or I'm going to be... particularly kind to you because you're such a poor little baby. That's not kindness, really. So it's a koan. It's a journey of discovering if we practice kindness. What is kindness? It's, I have, so Temple Grandin talks about her life. I highly recommend her books. Because in some way, her situation is so extreme that it opens us. But actually what she's experiencing on a much more minimal level, each one of us is experiencing. Because nobody, nobody, nobody ever sees the world exactly as you do.

[21:52]

I can't look at the world through your eyes. And if I could, I would probably be pretty confused in the same environment because you pick out other landmarks on which you orient than I do. So I'm not sure if I would find my way. I would sometimes get very lost. When I went to art school, 40-some years ago, one of the tasks we had every day going to school on our regular school way to pick, to look for something we've never noticed. It was endless. The same stretch, the same houses, the same street, if you started looking for it, you would discover something you've never seen. And you wouldn't know it's there. So kindness brings up how we are conditioned, got conditioned, condition ourselves, keep conditioning ourselves, our habits, and we have to transcend them if we want to be kind.

[23:18]

So it transcends. Being kind. Smiling and being kind to somebody in the midst of being irritated. Or kindly refraining from an explanation. pleading, expectation, kind of saying something unkind, or saying, I can't have this conversation right now, I'm not available enough, can I talk to you later? Rather than kind of talking while you're completely irate about something. It also, transcends a static view.

[24:25]

The ideas we have in our heads that shape our perception have some kind of, they're static, they're repetitive. As soon as something looks similar, we behave like it's the same old thing. Kindness, the practice of kindness, moves us into a completely dynamic world. listening is one of the, and paying attention to the details is one of the best helps in being kind. I have a nephew who is somewhere in the Asperger branch, which is a form of autism. And because he doesn't pick up social cues.

[25:26]

His responses seem puzzling, frustrating, and the moment I take it personally, I get upset. Why does he come in the room, take a book, and sit down with the back to me? So, If I take it personally and I take my, if I will behave that way, I will be unfriendly. So if I just go with that, whatever I do, I'm just perceiving that way and think that's the case, what's going on. But I could try to find out. I could start having a conversation and actually listen to what his experience is. He would come up at school with fabulous, he would solve all the problems at school, and he would get bad grades because the way he solved the problem wasn't the way his teacher thought the problem was to be solved.

[26:41]

The teacher was not interested in this other way you could solve a problem. So even though his results were correct, he got bad grades, So can you imagine a child being in that situation? He doesn't know how else to solve the problem. So Temple Grandin talks about that she's a visual thinker. So when she thinks, she sees in pictures. She doesn't think in concepts like a lot of us do. So how do we... So if we practice kindness, radical kindness all the time, we have a much bigger chance... to not be involuntarily unkind, thinking we help somebody, thinking this guy has to learn to solve the mathematical problem exactly the way most of us do. And I have to kind of coerce him to learn that.

[27:42]

And that's helping him, we think, often. So, kindness brings us in touch with the other. And maybe opens us more to be able to hear and listen and see how somebody does it. What is the life, the perceptions they are having? And it transforms. The practice of kindness transforms self-centeredness. Transforms clinging. It just does. It's wonderful because it's such a simple thing and we can pick it up any moment. We can fail and we can pick it up again. Because nobody said, you haven't been kind before, so forget it, you'll never be kind.

[28:47]

And you have to be kind to yourself. Otherwise, it doesn't work either. And it transforms the fear that comes with self-referencing, self-centeredness, self-preservation. It's always accompanied with fear because then you think it's a separating construct. which makes everybody out there potential enemies and potentially dangerous to taking away what we like or doing us some harm. But if we are kind, we become less fearful, more courageous, more curious, because the world becomes suddenly full of possibilities.

[29:51]

And not of static possibilities that we kind of posit based on past experience, but of every moment is full of possibilities. More than we would expect. And if we're kind, we become full of care. because it slows us down. It makes us see more what might be needed. So if we're kind in the store, in a kind state of mind or practice kindness, and we have to stand in line and in front of us is somebody who is fairly confused and maybe older and not moving so fast, or stands behind us with a heavy, you know, something.

[30:58]

We will notice it much more, and we may say, why don't you go ahead, or just be patient. Kindness, the practice of kindness creates patience, and compassion, and generosity, and equanimity, which are loving kindness, compassion, equanimity, and sympathetic joy, or the four heavenly abodes, or the Brahmari di Horus, are states of mind that are highly transformative for us. And there's a whole practice about that, that you can do. But you can start just by being, just, Simply kind, as kind as you can be. And continue. It will change how you are in the world. And you can do it at your speed, in your circumstances, at your entry door, where it's easy for you.

[32:12]

Start there. And then see... How is it easy for me here and so hard for me here? Can I translate that? What will be the translation? So start where it's easy for you and really start feeling how it affects your body, how it affects your feeling state, how it affects your mind when you're capable to be kind, when just the situation allows you to be kind. If you each time Engage, be aware of those three levels, how it affects you. Your whole being will start to support you to being kind because your body will go, be kind. It's much better for me. I'm more relaxed. I have less high blood pressure. I am more joyful. I feel good about myself. I feel good about the world. So your body will help you.

[33:13]

You will want more of that. Your feeling will help you, and your state of mind will support you. So, you know, we can know a lot of things. Until we're able to manifest them, they're not really transformative. We can know everything about Buddhism, everything about emptiness, everything about non-duality and interconnectedness. As long as we only know it in our heads and don't actually put it into our everyday actions, it does not transform us nor the world. It may make us more arrogant, more judgmental, more prideful, more whatever.

[34:14]

It's actually the everyday actions that we can feel. Sometimes we have to step over the hump. I don't want to be kind to you. So how can I then, my intention, how can I bring up my intention and not go with that reaction? reactionary reaction. You know, we all live in communities. Here is a practice period going on. People are, you know, going to the bathroom. Their oldest dolls are used and you can't get in or you can't brush your teeth because it's all filled. You know, you're all the time in each other's pathways. There's no way of getting away from it. But Every one of us is in some kind of community, all the time on the bus, in the store, at home, in the family, with your friends, at work.

[35:18]

So how do we create a kind environment? How are we kind to everybody? Emma Children somewhere says, should be here, isn't here. So she says something like, to learn to be kind to ourselves is important. It is important because by discovering what is bitter and what is sweet in our own hearts, by discovering what kind of ideas we have about ourselves or how we react. We not only discover our own life, but we discover the whole universe.

[36:27]

So it's very important to learn to be kind. So I think it's about time. So I'm torn between reading you the poem by Naomi Nye again or one by Thich Nhat Hanh. Do you have a preference? What? Thich Nhat Hanh. Okay. It's called Call Me By My True Names. Do not say that I'll depart tomorrow because even today I still arrive. Look deeply. I arrive in every second to be a bud on a spring branch, to be a tiny bird with wings still fragile, learning to sing in my new nest, to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower, to be a jewel

[37:43]

hiding itself in a stone. I still arrive in order to laugh and to cry, in order to fear and to hope. The rhythm of my heart is the birth and death of all that are alive. I am the mayfly metamorphosing on the surface of the river, and I am the bird which, when spring comes, arrives in time to eat the mayfly. I am the frog swimming happily in the clear pond, and I am also the grass snake who, approaching in silence, feeds itself on the frog. I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, my legs as thin as bamboo sticks, and I am the arms merchant selling deadly weapons to Uganda. I am the 12-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate.

[38:52]

And I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving. I am a member of the Politburo with plenty of power in my hands. And I am the man who has to pay his debt of blood. Two, my people dying slowly in a forced labor camp. My joy is like spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom in all walks of life. My pain is like a river of tears, so full it fills the four oceans. Please call me by my true names so I can hear all my cries and laughs at once, so I can see that my joy and pain are one. Please call me by my true names so I can wake up, and so the door of my heart can be left open, the door of compassion.

[40:03]

So deeply understanding, I think what he's saying in this poet is also deeply understanding that what we perceive in the world is intricately connected to how we think. And that if we can start being kind to everything, it will change how we think and how we perceive the world. And it will call us by our true names. And it will wake us up and it will open the doors of our hearts, the doors of compassion. Thank you very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize

[41:14]

and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[41:28]

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