June 29th, 2005, Serial No. 04099

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and
answer gonna have to adjust
and i still own self conscious talking about this because as you will see from my talk it really touches a nerve in me and i guess it's not a topic that i know i'm dying to be seen
as an expert on
but
i'm surprisingly enough i'm preparing for this tech proved useful and who knows maybe michael had some ideas that that would happen i don't know
oh
one of the reasons that proved useful is that i'll go i have always thought painfully awkward and and out when practicing zen center forms and ceremonies
i always thought my problem was making mistakes not being self conscious
so on in fact i have been convinced that if zen were a little more mainstream and other culture i would probably be diagnosed with some kind of them learning disability
and on i just wondered what the on treatment for it will be i would favor a nice killed that could be quickly telecom that would help me with my problems
so on
the second step of preparing my it's heart after on asking michael to suggest a topic for it was that i headed for the internet
and i googled self consciousness
and i turned up some things that i'll tell you about the first words are very interesting and helpful either call the really very accurately described what happens spring me psychologically when i met
take a dolan mistake and become very unhappy with myself on afterwards
and on
of course the article wasn't about making dolan the six it was about a different kinds of social interactions but it still gave a really good description of what happens on i found it quite help
full on to think about when i was making some of my dog mistakes
i'm good the second thing i found was an excerpt
disney from a very interesting looking bert on called self consciousness that is a memoir on by john updike that talks about his struggles with psoriasis and stuttering
and it's a book i really would have liked to rep have read on prior to this tart but i'm looking forward to reading it as soon as like him
and then there was some philosophical discussions that looked very scholarly about on which and whether nonhuman beings are self conscious
and then there was a scientific debate about whether the self exists
so you see the range there on on it sort of moods my problem from why do i make so many mistakes what's wrong with me and kind of on a way that isn't really useful that's kind of just bidding your
head against the wall and i'm wondering what to do
to self consciousness which lends itself to psychological understanding and insight to buddhists terminology of what happens when you're carrying around a soft that you care very much about
and on so that was the progression of my preparation for the stark and i think it will probably be helpful to me on the long run

so one day fertile field in which i got to practice with self consciousness is being michael's dzeko
as chico you're supposed to be your teachers shadow and if you think about a shadow that means you're very very close and yet you're not the main event you're on the paradox
involved in the position as that you're often in a very visible place but you're not supposed to attract any attention on
l dumb you're not ever supposed to be front and center you should avoid the limelight and the real point of the position is to be helpful and a sister teacher
so i don't know how it feels to other people who have had that position but for me at brings up some of my ambivalence about being seeing and being noticed
now by notice that on the one hand i like feeling important and being visible and getting recognition and and i enjoy the contact that i have with michael and his students on in doing that too
position but on the other hand i worry about inserting by assault in appropriately into the situation and elements on getting in the word
so i think a good zuko killed someone who is reliable and and hopes tends to run smoothly and treats everyone well and stays in the background and is available to help when needed
or asked and i think so the position makes visible to the person who holds it danny ambivalence spending how about any of those qualities so it's a rich on mine
two on practicing
and then there is another on paradox to and that's about who is taking care of who because michael is capable of taking care of himself and absolutely he takes care of me to in a very
so i think the thing in this position that you're trying to do the goal and maybe in any position that we might hold is to have an appropriate response to the situation
but things like self consciousness or wanting very much to take good care of a self can confuse that issue and sometimes it's really very hard to tell what is an appropriate response
i was reading a little book called soda zone by so how to a camera and in it he made the comment that when you like something it's out to appear bigger than it is
and similarly when you don't like something gets out to appear bigger than it is
something that you indifferent towards is that to appear smaller than it does so his planet is that our likes and dislikes and own preferences distort our perception of reality
and of course he made the point the main point that if you have a soft that you're very interested and taken good care of it can distort in view of reality
so in that then i'd like to tell a story kind of on my myself about something that happened to me during the most recent so shane

oh
so i was chico for this issue and it was the end of the first day
and christina was leading us in chatting the ratchet jobs
and i went to the altar and lit up a stick of incense and i'm stood in the chico position waiting for everyone to be ready
and by that time christina was in her spot at the end of the bowing that
and she came up to the altar and whispered to me there is no one cells
and i looked at the incense in my hand and at the clean and empty tobacco and came to the conclusion that she must mean that there should be incense in the tobacco
and i think now that we've stopped using those law six stokes all lined up and we now use charcoal is that correct and link a baikal
i don't know but i'm anyway the thought of on
lighting up the six sticks of incense and getting them in the cabin crew quickly with everyone watching filled me with horror
and i'm on top of that i must say that it just didn't feel quite right that it was all a little fuzzy feeling
on
so both quickly and slowly if that's possible quickly because i knew that everyone was standing there waiting and watching and slowly because it didn't really feel quite right i busied myself with
lighting up these fish sticks of incense
and
while i was doing that christina came up to the altar again and this time she whispered there is no incense for their ceremony
so i own dodged my little sticks of incense
and will flood looks to have an intense embarrassment only leaf went back to my usual place them the zendo and chanted the refuges along with everyone else
on

so i thought very for us and on this incident joined in my mind a catalogue of similar ones that have accumulated over the last twenty three years that i've been at zen center that convinced me that i'm not good
at forms and ceremonies in dumb
i even so happening in the context of says she may be because i was a little bit calmer after that day of sitting or maybe england because of fun
the work i had been doing on this tart and the things i had been thinking of i'm somehow in a little bit of a way as mistake seemed like a gift because it was really clear to me what was happening and they felt that that was going to be
be helpful for me
so a couple of things happened when christina first whispered that there was no incense one is it triggered all my fears of being clumsy and inept around forms and ceremonies and
i was deluged by a sort of global feeling of failure and inadequacy in that moment
and the second thing that happened i think was that i probably got a shot of adrenaline which impelled me towards action rather than stillness or breathing or thinking situation through
if i had been able to think in that situation i might have realized a couple of things i'm one was why would we light up all that in sounds right before we were going to bed when everybody was going to be leaving the zondo and about three minutes
ants on
i'm also if we had needed the incense i think the dolan would have it up and i remembered the dolan that day and it was a very careful capable person and i think if the the incense i needed to be there it would have been there

so on
what really happened was that i was on drugs in a way i was on the powerful drugs of fear and adrenaline and i was unable to think or breathe
and the reason i feel like this incident is the gift is that it gives me some clues about how my fear of looking for was interfered with my perception of reality and i had an opportunity
to recognize the whole complex of feelings that i was experiencing
and this is important because the next time this happens i want to be able to just stop and take a couple of routes which would be very difficult for me to do in a situation like this
and so i want to be able to recognize the moment when i need to do that
and this incident gives me some cruise because i think i will know the next time when i begin to have that kind of feelings that it's time to stop and breathe and tied to clear my mind and
me focus if i'm working on the task at hand
i'm not sure i'll actually be of able to do it but i think it will be a really good practice exercise for me and i might have to repeat that exercise many many times
another point that i think it's worth looking out about the incident is that i had so much fear and such a safe place
there are people in this warm right now who were in the zendo that night who didn't notice that this had happened
are no one was harmed by it i didn't run over anyone with my car or hurt anybody so the extremity of my feeling is about having a soft to protect and being very worried about how i look to other people
and i think this brings up the usefulness of all forms and ceremonies
i really can't praise forms and ceremonies enough i recommend participating in them any time you have a chance especially if you're a little or maybe a lot afraid of doing so
do it don't whine job if you possibly can and notice what happens for you around making dolan mistakes if you make a mistake don't beat yourself up
be patient and kind to yourself and remember that your ability to be his making your best effort right now
but be very truly attentive to what happens when you before during and after you make a mistake and try to see them as jokes that can help you learn something about yourself
one of the things you'll probably notice is that it's very hard to make just one dolan mistake
they almost always come at least in twos
and the reason for that is that after you've made a mistake it's very natural to sit there thinking about the mistakes you just made and while you're busy doing that you're apt to make another mistake
because now your mind and senior your mistake and not on the act civilly and hand
so when you may come instead
try to take a couple of grounds and then returned to what you're doing as soon as you possibly can
i think this is an excellent
exercise in learning how to clear your mind and that's the foundation of seeing things as they are and i think that's what we're all here to do

i feel sort of silly talking about ghosts next example witches or aoki because it's so familiar to all of us and we all i think get it we all understand the idea behind an oreo
key if or you know maybe there are lots of ideas
but as i do or aoki and the zendo i really kind of never ceased to be amazed at the correlation between my paying attention and on things going right or things going wrong i'm it's an activity that
really requires a continual focus and attention if my mind wanders sooner or later something is going to happen my chopsticks are going to a clatter down to the floor and if i pay really close attention to my ending and to oreo key
that almost never happens so triumph for yourself i recommend eating or yoking meals whenever you had the chance and we have or eot brought us to most saturday mornings
i think yet to is an excellent tool for clearing the mind
i don't mean to suggest that our friends and our results on practice are just tools for our self improvement
the psychological understanding that i'm talking about i think can help us to be more compassionate with ourselves so that we can continue to practice
i don't think it's going to be a cure for our mistakes and really the only way were ever going to be at keys i think is to be able to accept that were bidders who make mistakes
suzuki roshi said that his life was one continuous mistake i know we don't see it that way but that's where he said
so i think it's really important to remember that will likely to fail sometimes and then has to be okay because it's always going to be that way and that the really important thing is just
to continue practicing forever
in april i was ordained as a priest after twenty three years at zen center and i think that's very unusual to wait so long
and not the only but when reason that it took me so long to decide to origin was the feeling that i'm not good at some of the things that priests do forms and ceremonies giving tax
i'm so my decision to finally be ordained represents to me a commitment to just go ahead and do those things whether i'm good at them or not and to keep practicing regardless of the results
i'm i'm still extremely motivated to try to do them as well as i can but i'm i don't want to be stopped
by on how poorly i do them sometimes
so for me the crusoe attitude is just that i won't keep doing it no matter what
there is one more topic before we go that i want to bring up that's closely related to self consciousness and that's comparing mind
judging myself compared to others others adored his others works others
talents others in time others privileges you name it
i have been about as far down the road of comparing mind as i've had time to go in this lifetime and if i were your sherpa guide on this path of life i would say do
don't go down that road
it's fraught with danger on all sides it's a dead end it doesn't go anywhere
there's always going to be someone who's better than you at any given the thing and there's always going to be somebody is worse than you so don't waste your time
if i have haven't have not been all the way down that road at some way because the road is and was so study yourself really closely but don't bother to compare yourself to anybody else
try to remember that you're truly and comparable
i've had a long opportunity to watch people at all levels at zen center and i have yet to see anyone who doesn't have a lot of trouble with something sooner or later
there have been people that i thought for a while had it all but it doesn't hold up over time
i think that anyone is practicing seriously here it's going to have a hard time sinner or later
certainly the buddha prince siddhartha who had everything had a hard time when it came to practice
i don't think we know where this path it's going to lead us
we came to see things as they are
imagine they are or hope they will be or that we insist they must be
and i hope you really find it encouraging that everybody has to make a big effort
i don't think it's any harder here
then it would be anywhere else and here i think we get allotted support for each other for practicing with her difficulties
i really feel that support here and i hope that you find it too
thank you very much
are