I'm going to have to adjust. And I feel I'm self-conscious talking about this because, as you will see from my talk, it really touches a nerve in me. And I guess it's not a topic that I'm really dying to be seen as an expert on. But surprisingly enough, preparing for this talk proved useful. And who knows, maybe Michael had some idea that that would happen. I don't know. One of the reasons that it proved useful is that, although I have always felt painfully

[01:05]

awkward and inept when practicing Zen Center forms and ceremonies, I always thought my problem was making mistakes, not being self-conscious. So, in fact, I have been convinced that if Zen were a little more mainstream in our culture, I would probably be diagnosed with some kind of Zen learning disability. And I just wondered what the treatment for it would be. I would favor a nice pill that could be quickly taken that would help me with my problems. So, the second step of preparing my talk after asking Michael to suggest a topic for it was

[02:12]

that I headed for the Internet and I Googled self-consciousness. And I turned up some things that I'll tell you about. The first was a very interesting and helpful article that really very accurately described what happens for me psychologically when I make a dolan mistake and become very unhappy with myself afterwards. And, of course, the article wasn't about making dolan mistakes. It was about different kinds of social interactions, but it still gave a really good description of what happens. And I found it quite helpful to think about when I was making some of my dolan mistakes.

[03:17]

And the second thing I found was an excerpt from a very interesting-looking book called Self-Consciousness that is a memoir by John Updike that talks about his struggles with psoriasis and stuttering. And it's a book I really would have liked to have read prior to this talk, but I'm looking forward to reading it as soon as I can. And then there were some philosophical discussions that looked very scholarly about which and whether non-human beings are self-conscious. And then there was a scientific debate about whether the self exists.

[04:21]

So you see the range there. It sort of moves my problem from why do I make so many mistakes, what's wrong with me, and kind of a way that isn't really useful, that's kind of just beating your head against the wall and wondering what to do, to self-consciousness, which lends itself to psychological understanding and insight, to Buddhist terminology of what happens when you're carrying around a self that you care very much about. And so that was the progression of my preparation for this talk. And I think it will probably be helpful to me in the long run. So one very fertile field in which I get to practice with self-consciousness is being

[05:43]

Michael's Jiko. As Jiko, you're supposed to be your teacher's shadow. And if you think about a shadow, that means you're very, very close. And yet you're not the main event. You're the paradox involved in the position is that you're often in a very visible place, but you're not supposed to attract any attention. And you're not ever supposed to be front and center. You should avoid the limelight. And the real point of the position is to be helpful and assist your teacher. So I don't know how it feels to other people who have had that position. But for me, it brings up some of my ambivalence about being seen and being noticed.

[06:48]

And I noticed that on the one hand, I like feeling important and being visible and getting recognition. And I enjoy the contact that I have with Michael and his students in doing that position. But on the other hand, I worry about inserting myself inappropriately into the situation. And getting in the way. So I think a good Jiko is someone who is reliable and helps things to run smoothly and treats everyone well and stays in the background and is available to help when needed or asked. And I think that the position makes visible to the person who holds it any ambivalence

[07:55]

they may have about any of those qualities. So it's a rich mind to practice in. And then there's another paradox, too, and that's about who is taking care of who. Because Michael is capable of taking care of himself. And actually, he takes care of me, too, in a very big-hearted way. So I think the thing in this position that you're trying to do, the goal, and maybe in any position that we might hold, is to have an appropriate response to the situation. But things like self-consciousness or wanting very much to take good care of a self can

[08:56]

confuse that issue. And sometimes it's really very hard to tell what is an appropriate response. I was reading a little book called Soto Zen by Shōhaku Okamura, and in it he made the comment that when you like something, it's apt to appear bigger than it is. And similarly, when you don't like something, it's apt to appear bigger than it is. Something that you're indifferent towards is apt to appear smaller than it is. So his point is that our likes and dislikes and our preferences distort our perception of reality. And, of course, he made the point, the main point, that if you have a self that you're

[10:02]

very interested in taking good care of, it can distort your view of reality. So in that vein, I'd like to tell a story, kind of on myself, about something that happened to me during the most recent Sushin. So I was Jiko for the Sushin, and it was the end of the first day. And Christina was leading us in chanting the refuges. And I went to the altar and lit up a stick of incense and stood in the Jiko position

[11:05]

waiting for everyone to be ready. And by that time, Christina was in her spot at the end of the bowing mat. And she came up to the altar and whispered to me, there is no incense. And I looked at the incense in my hand and at the clean and empty kabaku and came to the conclusion that she must mean that there should be incense in the kabaku. And I think now that we've stopped using those little six sticks all lined up, and we now use charcoal, is that correct, in the kabaku? I don't know. But anyway, the thought of lighting up the six sticks of incense and getting them in

[12:08]

the kabaku quickly with everyone watching filled me with horror. And on top of that, I must say that it just didn't feel quite right. But it was all a little fuzzy feeling. So, both quickly and slowly, if that's possible, quickly because I knew that everyone was standing there waiting and watching, and slowly because it didn't really feel quite right, I busied myself with lighting up these six sticks of incense. And while I was doing that, Christina came up to the altar again, and this time she whispered, there is no incense for this ceremony.

[13:08]

So I ditched my little sticks of incense somehow. And with some mixture of intense embarrassment and relief, I went back to my usual place in the zendo and chanted the refuges along with everyone else. So I felt very foolish, and this incident joined in my mind a catalogue of similar ones that have accumulated over the last 23 years that I've been at Zen Center that convinced me that I'm not alone. I'm not good at forms and ceremonies. And even so, happening in the context of Sishin, maybe because I was a little bit calmer after

[14:23]

that day of sitting, or maybe even because of the work I had been doing on this talk and the things I had been thinking of, somehow, in a little bit of a way, this mistake seemed like a gift because it was really clear to me what was happening, and I felt that that was going to be helpful for me. So a couple of things happened when Christina first whispered that there was no incense. One is it triggered all my fears of being clumsy and inept around forms and ceremonies, and I was deluged by a sort of global feeling of failure and inadequacy in that moment.

[15:23]

And the second thing that happened, I think, was that I probably got a shot of adrenaline which impelled me towards action rather than stillness or breathing or thinking the situation through. If I had been able to think in that situation, I might have realized a couple of things. One was, why would we light up all that incense right before we were going to bed when everybody was going to be leaving the zendo in about three minutes? And also, if we had needed the incense, I think the dowan would have lit it up. And I remembered the dowan that day, and it was a very careful, capable person, and I think if the incense had needed to be there, it would have been there. So, what really happened was that I was on drugs in a way. I was on the powerful drugs of fear

[16:43]

and adrenaline, and I was unable to think or breathe. And the reason I feel like this incident is a gift is that it gives me some clues about how my fear of looking foolish interfered with my perception of reality. And I had an opportunity to recognize the whole complex of feelings that I was experiencing. And this is important because the next time this happens, I want to be able to just stop and take a couple of breaths, which would be very difficult for me to do in a situation like this. And so, I want to be able to recognize the moment when I need to do that.

[17:44]

And this incident gives me some clues because I think I will know the next time when I begin to have that kind of feelings, that it's time to stop and breathe and try to clear my mind and refocus if I'm lucky on the task at hand. I'm not sure I'll actually be able to do it, but I think it will be a really good practice exercise for me. And I might have to repeat that exercise many, many times. Another point that I think is worth looking at about the incident is that I had so much fear in such a safe place. I imagine that there are people in this room right now who were in the Zenda that night who didn't notice that this had happened. And no one was

[18:49]

harmed by it. I didn't run over anyone with my car or hurt anybody. So, the extremity of my feeling is about having a self to protect and being very worried about how I look to other people. And I think this brings up the usefulness of our forums and ceremonies. I really can't praise forums and ceremonies enough. I recommend participating in them anytime you have a chance, especially if you're a little or maybe a lot afraid of doing so. Do a Doan job if you possibly can. And notice what happens for you around making Doan mistakes. If you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up. Be patient and kind to yourself.

[19:55]

And remember that you're a Buddha-to-be who's making your best effort right now. But be very truly attentive to what happens for you before, during, and after you make a mistake. And try to see them as gifts that can help you learn something about yourself. One of the things you'll probably notice is that it's very hard to make just one Doan mistake. They almost always come at least in twos. And the reason for that is that after you've made a mistake, it's very natural to sit there thinking about the mistake you just made. And while you're busy doing that, you're apt to make another mistake.

[20:56]

Because now your mind is on your mistake and not on the activity at hand. So when you make a mistake, try to take a couple of breaths and then return to what you're doing as soon as you possibly can. I think this is an excellent exercise in learning how to clear your mind. And that's the foundation of seeing things as they are. And I think that's what we're all here to do. I feel sort of silly talking about this next example, which is orioke, because

[22:00]

it's so familiar to all of us. And we all, I think, get it. We all understand the idea behind orioke, or maybe there are lots of ideas. But as I do orioke in the zendo, I really kind of never cease to be amazed at the correlation between my paying attention and things going right or things going wrong. It's an activity that really requires a continual focus and attention. If my mind wanders sooner or later, something is going to happen. My chopsticks are going to clatter down to the floor. And if I pay really close attention to my eating and to orioke, that almost never happens. So try it for yourself. I recommend eating orioke

[23:03]

meals whenever you have the chance. And we have orioke breakfast here most Saturday mornings. I think it, too, is an excellent tool for clearing the mind. I don't mean to suggest that our forms and our zazen practice are just tools for our self-improvement. The psychological understanding that I'm talking about, I think, can help us to be more compassionate with ourselves so that we can continue to practice. I don't think it's going to be a cure for our mistakes. And really, the only way we're ever going to be at peace, I think, is to be able to accept that we're Buddhas who make mistakes. Suzuki Roshi said that his life

[24:07]

was one continuous mistake. I know we don't see it that way, but that's what he said. So I think it's really important to remember that we're likely to fail sometimes. And that has to be okay, because it's always going to be that way. And that the really important thing is just to continue practicing forever. In April, I was ordained as a priest after 23 years at Zen Center. And I think that's very unusual to wait so long. And not the only, but one reason that it took me so long to decide to ordain was the feeling that I'm not good at some of the things that priests do, forms and ceremonies, giving talks. So my decision to finally be ordained represents to me

[25:18]

a commitment to just go ahead and do those things, whether I'm good at them or not, and to keep practicing regardless of the results. I'm still extremely motivated to try to do them as well as I can, but I don't want to be stopped by how poorly I do them sometimes. So for me, the crucial attitude is just that I will keep doing it no matter what. There's one more topic before we go that I want to bring up that's closely related to self-consciousness, and that's comparing mind, judging myself compared to others. Others' abilities, others' looks, others' talents, others' income, others' privileges, you name it.

[26:29]

I have been about as far down the road of comparing mind as I've had time to go in this lifetime, and if I were your Sherpa guide on this path of life, I would say, don't go down that road. It's fraught with danger on all sides. It's a dead end. It doesn't go anywhere. There's always going to be someone who's better than you at any given thing, and there's always going to be somebody who's worse than you, so don't waste your time. If I haven't have not been all the way down that road, it's only because the road is endless. So study yourself really closely, but don't bother to compare yourself to anybody else.

[27:36]

Try to remember that you're truly incomparable. I've had a long opportunity to watch people at all levels at Zen Center, and I have yet to see anyone who doesn't have a lot of trouble with something sooner or later. There have been people that I thought for a while had it all, but it doesn't hold up over time. I think that anyone who's practicing seriously here is going to have a hard time sooner or later. Certainly the Buddha, Prince Siddhartha, who had everything, had a hard time when it came to practice. I don't think we know where this path is going to lead us. We came to see things as they are, not as we imagine they are,

[28:43]

or hope they will be, or that we insist they must be. And I hope you really find it encouraging that everybody has to make a big effort. I don't think it's any harder here than it would be anywhere else. And here I think we get a lot of support for each other for practicing with our difficulties. I really feel that support here, and I hope that you find it too. Thank you very much. A.R. Minchanshin A.R. Minchanshin

[29:34]

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