I'd like to try to talk about change or differences that we experience. We always emphasize no differences or no origin. Can you hear me? But you'll notice, of course, some differences in your practice. And probably the most noticeable or important, anyway, difference is whether you're leaking or accumulating. Accumulating, I don't know what word to use. Not exactly accumulating. Leaking is a pretty good word, but what's the opposite of leaking? I guess not leaking. But it's similar to the idea of merit and the accumulation of merit.

[01:27]

metaphor. Most of you are counting, count your breaths or follow your breath or don't. But let me suggest to you, for example, follow your exhale only. Try to follow your exhale. and it will become very fine. See how far you can follow it. If you see how far you can follow it, there will be a kind of pause because it becomes finer and finer. Some gentle, something very gentle. And then your inhale will come back in.

[02:38]

So just follow your exhale and push down, push down or out with your stomach as you exhale. And the inhale will come back in and if possible, not like you've just come up from swimming a lap. If possible, smoothly it comes in. Don't hold or push your breath out so far that you have to control your breath to have it come back in. And not so when it comes back in, it comes in smoothly. So you of course notice you will notice your breathing in a finer and finer way. And you'll see that actually you can exhale for longer, considerably longer than you've been exhaling. If you emphasize inhale too, your mind makes you change. But if you just emphasize the exhale, your body will make you change.

[04:07]

So you don't have to think about the inhale. It will come. So just think about the exhale. So there you notice something. And you'll start to, you'll forget of course sometimes, and you'll start to think about things and some story, story thinking. And now you'll notice some difference between the story thinking and when you are following your exhale. And I think you'll notice a real difference between your experience after following 5 or 10 or, you know, 50. Exhale. If you can follow 50, you're doing pretty well.

[05:29]

Anyway, five or ten or twenty and then you'll lose track. But you'll notice a difference, even two or three, you'll notice a difference, that there is a kind of accumulation of sensitivity or some capacity that won't occur with storyline thinking. With storyline thinking, the main difference is the story. There's not much difference in you, your experience of yourself. Your experience of yourself remains the same with storyline thinking. So then you go back to, you remember. What makes you remember? What makes you remember? Something makes you remember.

[06:34]

Oh, I'm concentrating on my exhale. What makes you remember? If anyone can tell me, you get milk. What makes you remember? Anyway, something makes you remember, so you go back to your exit. And you'll notice immediately something. I think you will. I hope you do. Some different capacity. The color. The color of your experience is different and more modulated. Not just one color, but something more modulated. You can't quite say what shade it is, but it's some color and it changes. You know, I don't know color. I would say color. and some space is there. You feel some space. Where is that space? Where is that space? It's the same place as what reminds you to come back to your breathing. Buddha reminds you to come back to your breathing. Anyway, there'll be some space

[08:03]

and some quality will be different. There'll be some different quality in your experience, for yourself, I think, some different quality. More satisfying, but maybe not as interesting. Your interest is so voracious and greedy, it will go back to the storyline pretty quickly, probably. until you can come back again, and it's interesting. One is more satisfying and the other is more interesting. But why is it more interesting? The storyline doesn't ... you don't feel any accumulation of merit. Now, I'm using this term, accumulation of merit, because it occurs in the echoes we say, you know, are mostly we did this morning service so we got a lot of merit, or someone got a lot of merit, or we made a lot of merit and we're going to give it away. So what is this, what are we talking about? You know, we say no form, no etc. Why are we talking about accumulating something, some kind of merit? But in your experience you will notice some difference.

[09:26]

And if you stay with your breathing, your exhales, as I'm suggesting today, you may stop, actually, and go back to the storyline, not just because the storyline is more interesting, but because what you begin to accumulate is too much. It's too exciting or too powerful. So you drop it. Now, what would happen? And I think at some stage of meditation you get afraid of, what if I stayed with my concentration, where would I go? From some interior room to another interior room, and you'd lose touch with you. You might not come, wait, you might come back in a different room than the zendo. So you're a little afraid to actually follow your concentration. So I'm talking about the capacity for experience, you know, and someone asked me at GreenGalax last Sunday, he said, why did Dogen say that this was the pivotal form and human form? And what he was asking really was, why do we put animals on one level and plants on another level and sentient beings? Do sentient beings mean just humans?

[11:02]

Does it include plants, etc.? Well, let's not talk about values, but let's talk about differences. If you just go out here in the courtyard in the morning, you'll hear really extraordinary birds, you know, going to town out there. I know, it's just really, it's very far out. I mean, if you can slow yourself down enough to hear it, it's quite extraordinary. And the sheer exertion, you look around this, there's like several hi-fi speakers up there somewhere, blasting out this. And you look at it and you can't see anything, you know, and there's a little spot, a bird about, it's bigger than that. to your finger, but maybe, I don't know, maybe that big. And somehow it's really putting out, you know. It, I don't know, it must have a bellows in there. And there's another one, you finally see who's answering, there's another one over on the wire or something. It's also really tiki. It's jamming, they're jamming back and forth at each other. It's true, they are.

[12:29]

It's too much to hear them in the tree. It's just overwhelming because there's a horde of them over there. In the courtyard you only get one or two or a few sometimes. What's interesting is the leaves don't do that. The leaves make a sound too, but it's when the wind hits them, you know. The leaves don't burst into their own song. And they don't fly about. If they fly about, they're on their way to their final resting place. But birds fly about for a while. A bird, you know, of course, has its ... lives within ... it has the same karma, we can say, as a plant, in that it receives a certain location, physical location, and certain history. But, you know, plants, maybe as a group, have some movement.

[13:59]

They mostly, we can say, inherit their karma. But the bird creates its karma. It inherits karma and it also creates karma as it goes along by its sound and by its action, by its movement. And this is basically what the precepts are. We create our karma as we speak and move. So the precepts are all to do with the effects of our movement and the effects of our speaking. And we can say sentient beings ... sentient beings means everything. Dirt, you know, everything. But we can say that one category, or the category we're usually talking about, is our sound beings. We're peculiarly sound beings. Most animals, most non-plants, sound beings. And we, you know, human beings, are, at least to our own observation, clearly the most noisy and active

[15:29]

of all animals, all sound beings, we're the noisiest and most active. And we have the most, and everyone, the whole planet feels the effects of our noisy activity. So we have to have precepts. Because of the effects of our ability to create So, we have karma and merit, and karma is the effects of our activity. But we can say karma is kind of leaking. If you accumulate karma, it means your activities have leaked, so you've left a trail like a snail, a sticky trail behind you.

[16:33]

And then demerit we can say is something like non-leaking activity. So the other side of this, the effect of our activity and our sound speaking, you know, do not lie, do not take what is not given, etc., are our precepts, very simply to deal with your ability to create karma and our great lack of judgment. And we don't seem to be completely independent beings and we do seem, as I said before, to inherit our judgment, our

[17:38]

capacity to survive or to not tumble into the abyss of our activity and sound is something we learn from everybody, from our parents and culture and in particular The lineage in Zen is an attempt to give you a very direct hit. Undiluted. Sort of the main line. Our culture. Our good judgment. Or the realization of the effects of our actions and sounds. Sound making. So the other side of this effect of our action and sound making ability is our, what I would guess I'll call today, our capacity for experience. And your capacity for experience, if your capacity for experience is wide enough, there's no leaking. And we can talk about accumulating merit. For you really do

[19:16]

exude merit. People will experience you, as they say, bodhisattvas don't need any merit because they don't leave. So what merit their actions accumulate is like an overflowing fountain for others. And that's not just an idea. If you can do something like stay with the space and color and quality of your capacity on your exhales. You can sense yourself becoming, you know, more ethereal and more substantial at the same time. More there, without reservation, but also more like space. I don't care whether you are still solid or not. I'm talking about what you feel about it. It's a very, very real feeling. And not to go unnoticed. So we have some capacity for experience which is related to samadhi.

[20:43]

or to receive correctly. And I was talking about monastic life yesterday as the main way we get at what I was calling flesh and fantasy, but also monastic life is ... same monastic life is also another stage of developing our capacity cultivating our sattva. So, you know, again, let's look at auspicious events in your own history. As you live, various things will remind you of something and you will find out some ... you'll remember, it'll come back, something very clear, something that moved you.

[22:21]

maybe it was some hearing some birds singing as a child. Usually I think what characterizes such an auspicious event for you is that it caught you unawares or it was the first time it happened. So many key events for you in your personal history are things that the first time you did something, or the first time you noticed something. That's, again, very simple, but it's the same as samadhi. Samadhi meaning, as I suggested, to receive correctly. To catch, to be caught unawares by something, or to see something for the first time, is the same as samadhi. So, you know, you may have some time in which you heard some bird say, which made you want to, I don't know what, write a poem about it, and you probably couldn't, or you wanted to sing yourself

[23:50]

So now you do morning service, which is pretty much the same thing. It's dawn comes and they're in the tree and we're over here. Or you wanted your own nest to return to. Anyway, some experience you had, which was at the time at the edge of being very satisfying. Probably not quite satisfying, but it somehow promised to be very satisfying. So that's why you wanted to write something. But this capacity I'm talking about, samadhi, to receive correctly is when there is always that satisfaction. You've gone over that edge of, it could be satisfying too, it is satisfying. Each act is fulfilling in itself, each thing is complete in itself, each thing is its own fulfilling. Now the opposite of this, and generally we're somewhere in between, as I was talking with someone at Green Gulch who

[25:19]

is quite, has been off and on, quite depressed. And they say, I will walk down to the farm, farming part, and one day I'll walk down and I'll smell the grass and hear things and notice the ocean shining, you know, and dusty green of the leaves, sort of, almost the same shade as the sky. Well, for three or four months, I didn't notice anything. I was just in my storyline. And more and more into some depression. Well, if you want to Practice means you're evening out these swings from elation to depression or ups and downs of various kinds until you can sustain some direct experience. In a way, you have to stop things

[26:45]

You have to stand still for something before you can experience it. So that's why yesterday I was talking about the seriousness of Buddhist practice for you. You know, if you're not ready to take Buddhist practice seriously, it's very difficult to make Buddhism work. If you're ready to take it seriously, you are extremely fortunate because you found something which can be taken seriously. Many people have the misfortune of they finally are ready to take something seriously and they take some idiot serious and they marry the wrong person. Excuse me for saying so.

[27:48]

You've found something you can take seriously. Even if you can't quite take anything seriously, at least you can come to the point where you can say, by God, something has to be taken seriously. You know? This is as good as the next. I don't know. I'll work on this one. That's almost as good as taking Buddhism seriously. but you need some conviction, some seriousness, some commitment to make things work. If you're dilly-dallying or wishy-washy about Buddhism, Buddhism is going to go away and leave you. You'll hardly know it left. So, when you can take Buddhism seriously, your practice will start to work. When you can take your husband or wife seriously, your marriage will start to work. If that commitment isn't there in a marriage, it doesn't work. And if that commitment is not there in Buddhism, it doesn't work.

[29:21]

And we're not talking about whether Buddhism is right or wrong, but the fact is, right or wrong, without commitment, it won't work. And in a very similar way, without a certain kind of humility or sincerity, you can observe the subtle gradations of your experience, which are the real realm of your capacity to survive. And you know, of course, I can't think of … The best example I can think of is something like, you know, the kind of change you may notice

[30:22]

in the way birds are singing, which means a storm is coming. And at Green Gulch, at Tassajara, of course we notice it more than here in the city. But you'll see, there's actually a difference in the way the animals are, insects too. And not only just before a storm, but quite a bit before. and there are other very subtle changes. In fact, there are changes you can see in animals, insects particularly, months before, which indicate some change. Anyway, the point is, in you there are very subtle changes, and if you're a person who goes back and forth between being up and down or angry or happy or liking and disliking

[31:25]

This is the problem with being caught in likes and dislikes, is you never notice that the birds have paused. There are many Zen poems that say, not a bird sang all day. So what we're trying to develop in you is the ability to notice these subtle changes, the ability to open up your capacity for experience, and that capacity for experience we call merit. The opposite of leaking. Storyline thinking is leaking. the ability and courage to face your capacity for experience. And I don't again mean, oh, that was a good experience. That kind of experience I don't mean. I'm emphasizing more the capacity for experience than the experience

[32:47]

And in the capacity for experience, you don't need anything. You know, as I said once to someone here in the dining room, I believe, you know, there are many people down on Market Street who had a great deal of experience, much more experience than is necessary for one lifetime. They look destroyed, in fact. But they never have experienced anything. Their capacity for experience is not there. But a saint in a cave, just the change of light on the wall, he can know everything. So by counting your breathing, by following your breathing, by following your exhales, you are awakening your capacity for experience, your ability to stop leaking, to stop creating the karma from your sound making and

[34:25]

When you stop creating karma, the ocean passes into you instead of being pushed aside. Swallow the whole ocean, sums that story. Sancho, who was a pretty famous disciple of Rinzai, when Rinzai was dying, he said, Who will preserve the true eye of my teaching? And I don't know what Sancho said exactly, but near the end he says, What will you do when people ask you questions? And Sancho says,

[35:32]

And Rinzai says, who would have thought that the true eye of my teaching would end with this blind ass? This blind donkey. Anyway, that was a compliment. Like the cave of demons, the black mountain cave of demons. So, anyway, Sancho was one of Rinzai's true heirs. So Sancho was visiting Seppo. Seppo, of course, is really one of the most outstanding Zen teachers, quite extraordinary person. Anyway, so Sancho said to Seppo, what do you suppose the golden fish, golden carp, eats After it has escaped from the net, what does it use for food?' What a question. Satsang knows you can't answer that question. So, Sepo said to him, this is the 49th case in the 89th book, Sepo says to him,

[37:00]

Well, when you get out of a nap, I'll tell you. So much for you. And Sancha says, to think, Seppo, you are a great teacher like you, Seppo, a head of fifteen hundred disciples, you don't know what to say. Anyway, but Sancha said, That was pretty good, too. And Sansepo said, you know, my duties as abbot keep me very busy. There are many and various. With 1500 disciples, I don't think so. Zen Center is 200 people, about 1500.

[38:01]

So this golden fish, this golden carp, since they're just playing, of course, with each other, and they're talking about the realm of capacity. After you've escaped through the net, what do you do? What do you eat? In this realm of capacity there is no leaking. You swallow all of Mount Sumeru or swallow the whole ocean. So you can't speak about it. You can only refer to the other side of the net. So he says, he throws it back, when you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you. We both know you can't answer such a question. And to say so is something to leak. To imply that Sancho is on the other side of the net is already leaky.

[39:55]

So, he says, you're on the other side of the net. Anyway, so it goes on. So, this is the monastic training as the development of your cultivating of your capacity. In this sense, every event is an auspicious event, and in this sense you will uncover many histories. You will uncover your history as a bodhisattva. As I said before, you have millions of events in your life, and by your narrow mind now you say, this life brought me to be this kind of person. I am Sam, or Bill, Nancy, whatever. But when you waken up, wake up your capacity for experience, you'll find how some bird song awakens many auspicious events. And you will find, oh, I am

[41:26]

I will keep this far. Also in this story of the golden carp is the ability to be free of those swings of liking and disliking, criticizing and not being a blind donkey, or not being a blind donkey. If I say to you, you idiot, you are nothing but a blind donkey, and you stagger back, you know, you are losing the teaching. No matter what I say to you, it doesn't make any difference. If your capacity for experience is there, if your capacity for experience is there, the black mountain cave is one bright shiny pearl. There's no leaking.

[43:01]

You are developing your capacity for experience, not more and more experience. So it's really not quite right to say accumulation because when you stop leaking there is just the realization of exactly what is going on each moment. And your ability to sustain this seeing and seeing is another stage of your development, second stage of monastic development. It requires that you don't trample, stomp all over

[44:33]

the many realities that occur when your capacity for experience is opened up. It's not your experience anymore and it's very clear who reminded you, what reminded you to go back to your exhales. Everything is in this realm of what reminded me to go back to my exhales and everything becomes fortuitous. Every event reminds you, is the next thing to do. So please in your practice be sensitive to the color and space and quality of your experience. and as much as possible don't control it. Trust, see where it goes. Drop your storyline as much as possible.

[46:05]

Enlightenment is nothing but the fullness of your capacity for experience. The golden carp for which everything is food. your own blessed experience, your own merit when you stop leaking. you can turn your direction over to the numerous histories which will come alive.

[47:28]

Each thing penetrates through and through, so there's no inside or outside.

[47:54]

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