January 2nd, 1999, Serial No. 04060

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"Tape starts late"

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why am i wasn't
we will have to say
and
sometimes it's difficult to spell candles on bringing up tempe
it's just nice to see him after learning
he can get her hacks
the sand pine arena brown there
portals i learned rana

so why does he i sound why add anything

however pay
hes can you say
come it has asked he and blue emily i'm glowing i and i yeah sir
tank happy sad
i yeah
what difference has may alter my why they're alive again and ssi
ha
thank you can hear me now down to business
hey
oh wrong with that type of oh
i started at
hey skid row
i am my brother's older sister
but i'm only old and by
fourteen months
which i understand turned out to be a real problem for him and as a baby
this is not funny
have i been waiting i miss for them so
anyway i went back to their colorado just a few weeks in which is why my knees twisted
and then
have no funding and his kind of really sort of insinuating alone but but when is actually my older brother
council who learns now
i can say same light i
yeah he's at the royal prince and lay person in the family's accomplish certain things and thinks that's very important and i'm there or present here and there's something else and and and around it's not necessarily thought of as and
even couples
the
how cash and speaking about coping i spent all yesterday and today i'm trying to fix my polite and fix my computer just trying to and get aol on my computer
and i spent a lot unless i yesterday and took six hours i cut the wrong button this is why this is where you know consequences conditioning arising arena
i'm living a faint china pay complete attention a different choice download or not downloads i thought
i didn't know
the site and download about six hours
takes thanks hours i can believe it now i've that something that no sapphire till i went through a l help people can hang god
having instead we have been able to figure out how i can start on aol and not have my computer froze up and i had that experience
when the talk of in the country
that
more
i'm trying to keep up a desperate
the chicken is it's passable by
has continued to visit
sam
and we may i tell you about my knee and k
one way or has anything to do my nails
i was too such as it was
the right thing
for in actually came and looked injury if you're going to have one installed laundering that
people will make a living by sitting cross orleans parish to parish can happen
to put myself in that situation but
i was in colorado because before i went to got and never going to get tell you this talk and say haven't started it and i went to colorado because it was on the way i thought it was on the way home from yetta
that
and ten men it's emily i'm very anti has been released and certainly feel
but anyway i went to so excited to go to says shame
which is very interesting i represented zen center that's a shame i gave a talk about dogan my hero
and
sorry interesting while i was there to be immersed in a different kind of song a different kind of soto zen group is very interesting that there there's a shane's are very different schedule for lawyers and ha
they may i'm not going gonna go into it
right here we go i'm better talk fast
i cut to the end
okay
why am i having such trouble getting guy

the earth
maybe we can help me now
right
anything we do behind
just living
his vanity
i don't know where i got that quote but i read that somewhere recently and i thought gosh that's really interesting and then i opened my bible i have a bible at home because i was confirmed
confirmed yet when it's called confirmed as confirmed
i'm
tell a problem with that confirmation was that my rabbi and and i had some real serious disagreements
i was looking for god you know and he wanted me to memorize the hebrew twelve months of the we're
so i got my bible and i was confirmed but i didn't get the piece of paper here and give it to me
that's okay
sounds looking in my bible
because it rang a bell vanity they turned to ecclesiastic which is one of my favorite
and it says pretty well let me tell you about i also was reading in zen mind beginner's mind which is such a profound book i really always when i read it i'm amazed again and again and again so if you haven't rented given a shot and if you've read it read it again
it's really good but i was rooting in the in the chapter called right effort and in it says the garage she says that the main thing that we have to get we actually use the word of which is very unusual for him his pride or vanity pride and achievement or right effort is to get rid of any
a thing extra that that was very interesting
anyway so van and he does mean some kind of pride or puffed aptness which is exactly self clinging
so here we go
from ecclesiasticus come the words of coalesce a son of david king in jerusalem vanity of vanities said coalesce vanity of vanities all is vanity what profit has people of all their labor wherein the labor under the sun
one generation passes away and another follows and the earth abideth forever
the sun also rises and the sun goes down the wind goes toward the south and turns until the new earth it turns about continually in its circuit all the rivers run into the say yet to see is not fall under the place where the rivers go there they will go again on
all things toil into weariness humans cannot utter it the i is not satisfied with saying nor the ear filled with hearing that which hath been is that which shall be and that which hath been done is that which shall be done
and there is nothing new under the sun
i'm going to have to really skip about
for children of course everything is new under the sun they have this sense of wonder until if you watched children's very interesting until around i think named for those of you who has children three or fours and we went there for five and begin to have a sense of self and if you watch it's very painful and begin to be
self conscious at that age and to see that happen is just so painful because we know what the consequences are however if it doesn't happen they are never be able to be free we have to go through the self to be free so even though it's kind of painful to watch it's necessary
suzuki roshi they used to save suzuki roshi that he was child like because he had that kind of wonder and bubbly kind of enthusiasm for everything he was doing
but how about us
some people choose to ignore life either with intoxication or rigid denial
sometimes people settle into a kind of stupid happiness
that's okay
so long as they're happy
others keep themselves jacked up to a fever pitch with a kind of excitement that has encouraged on tv or in the movies
i remember when i was young we used to dance and get excited all so you know sixteen years old tons of energy but there were places to goes in you know it was easy to weren't so many people and there was lots of country about
but now it seems like every place you look at they're telling him you know be happier happier more happy and happiness means data data data data data
exhausting
just exhausting
but most of us face life's blessings and disappointments
trying to keep some awake sanity in the general rush
toward sleep
buddhism must be about life my life or it's useless completely useless
we know by now that anything that's conditioned will not make us ultimately happy but miller once said
i was unhappy when i thought i could be happy all the time
it's the oh if only syndrome
if only bla bla bla fully blaha only bla bla bla
so
if we're not running after happiness and all the time and how do we live
what is the guiding light and where do we find it
and some of you know tomorrow we're going to have a ceremony
to ceremony about
vowing
hi val blob oppa
and i suggest to day
that that kind of commitment to vow
is a guiding light

a vow is a beacon
polite pointing back
to our own heart

consider what it might be like to judge everything we do by whether or not it is of benefit to as many beings as possible wouldn't that be something how we put down a cup how we wait for the bus how we light a cigarette people are still doing it
if everything we did we did for the benefit of all beings
there is nothing that we can hold on to
everything changes
everything impermanence is immutable
there is no way
that you can grab onto something an idea of person relationship status symbol a job
that will not change

we study something call this a courses in parliament item and tennis right away of none the way of thinking about emptiness that there is no thing person anything that has a inherent separate existence thankfully
this is the study of the middle way

if there is nothing to hold onto
nothing not even the practice

emptiness is the characteristic of everything

this ground listeners
sometimes for some people is scary
because we're used to hanging on to what's familiar but actually it's a big release and a relief it's refreshing
it is ultimately refreshing
allowing the renunciation we call no self clinging to come forward
and this renunciation is what some people will thou tomorrow
to live in this renunciation is to live in vow
we vow even when we don't think for a minute we can do whatever the vow is
i vow not to eat too much
or i vow at least to be aware when i do over it
or even
i vow to notice that i have over in
some guiding light about whatever it is and is uppermost for you
in the middle of ecclesiasticus it says
you'll recognize this they've been songs main about this
to everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven
a time to be born a time to die a time to plant a time to pluck up that which is planted a time to weep and a time to laugh a time to mourn and a time to dance the time to seek in a time to lose a time to kill and a time to cast
away the time to deep silence and a time to speak her time to embrace and a time to keep from embracing
with nothing to lose
it's already lost
it's already gone
with nothing left in a totally hopeless situation
hopeless really hopeless
we have relief and release
for com lf and speaker this situation lead to despair like early existentialism of the west
but in birders and we acknowledge the emptiness and move on
returning to wonder
we can do this because we understand the emptiness of the self and how clinging to the self causes suffering it's a really important point
with nothing to depend on we we turn to the world we return to life
we can simply vow
we acknowledge and intention to go beyond the self
and we offer our bow to the vast universe
to live in vow means to live in the acceptance of totally hopeless situation says a girl she said life is like getting into a boat and sailing out to the ocean and then sinking

can anyone tell me that's not true

there therefore if we really understand that that our life is slipping away all the time from us
that there is nothing
to hold onto it's not possible if we can just open our hand
give up
the struggle
throw our lives into something bigger make a vow save all sentient beings ridiculous
maybe i'm going to try i'll live that way
trump has said that hopelessness has actually an advanced practice
and it is because sent for some people why it takes decades to give up
decades
karma can help it so we just have to love ourselves well where you know
fighting the
yes useless fight

with this inside
we can begin giving up wanting anything and can follow along as life is happening paying strict attention to our own stuck places being deeply responsible for the miracle of our lives

we offer our body and mind to the buddha dharma
what's just as our daily life
if return away from our life as it is we can say rabies to say that this is evil
why
because if we turn away from life
from something difficult if we don't want to look at it that means that we're clinging to the safety of yourself as a
and that was ironic can you see
i mean it's ridiculous
but that's what we try to do we provided protect this non entity all the time
so if we ignore our own life ignore our own pain we keep ourselves separate from everything else
and in this separateness we can hurt ourselves and other people
so that's why the denial as evil

so a vow when we vow it's not that we know something that we know how to help that we know what is good that we have a view of what is right now
we don't know anything we don't know what it means to help
yeah
category said one day the most important thing having to do with another person is just to try to understand
so the attitude we have in life is more like
what is going on now
what is happening right now

near the end of ecclesiasticus coalesce king david's son again repeats all he has described
as vanity especially especially because we're going to die
there is death informing everything
and the caper berry shall fail because people go to their long home and the mourners go about the straits before the silver cord snap to sender and the golden bowl is shattered and the pitcher is broken at the fountain and the real follis shattered into the pit and the dust return
with to the earth as it was and the spirit return it and to that which gave it vanity of vanities i say all is vanity

so how to refine this vow place
it is hidden in the depths of our heart if we listen carefully enough it is there
it is a yearning to touch the source of all life it is a wish to live from the heart open bigger than the confines of the limited contract itself and that's a feeling you can feel yourself contract
it's not comfortable
in touch with the vastness we sometimes call god some people
or i am that i am or the nameless one or source in buddhism we call it
dustless

because of death
because everything changes because we give up the struggle the south struggle of the self
then we can appreciate our life
this is a quote from suzuki roshi
we shall be very grateful to have a limited body
like mine are like yours if you had a limitless life it would be a real problem for you
the reason why some people who are dying or so neat to be around is because they've given up wanting anything they just they're appreciating everything
that is
completely so does in
how depressing
but not really
whether we make a public vow
or let it bubble secretly inside we need something bigger than our small cells to guide us in this mystery
we reduced to the word life
doesn't touch it that it
to make a public commitment in front of your community your family and friends that you will make your very best effort day to day hour to hour moment a moment to be accountable
dear friends to your family to your community
that this selflessness is the most important thing in your life
this is a ceremony of ordination we will be joyfully witnessing tomorrow
in my point here
people do this vowing i think as an offering
it's an offering
they offer their mind and body to the way of the buddha's and ancestors who walked as human beings before them with them and after them so that the wisdom of this way is not lost
as in any ceremony the doing of it magnifies the vow and the time leading up to it is just as important as the ceremony
we could and do reconfirm and recommit all the time but making a public vow magnifies it so we really read the bauer really takes notice of what they're saying
oh yes i really do want to do this whatever it is not drink anymore
i can't take it for granted this is my life
we then wake up to the simple truth that we are life and that we are taking responsibility for it
buddha said
at the end of his life
he reminded everybody that everything that is conditioned which is everything
guys see says he says dies
therefore he said bill light unto yourself
it is your responsibility
each one of us his life is our responsibility
and then he said something like
diligently continue diligently strive diligently i think it's a attempt

the ceremony tomorrow is an initiation into something new for those people and yet
it's a coming home also
to their true selves
we vow to take refuge to take refuge to return to our own heart
this farrowing is not ultimately a rational event
it's an event of the heart it is irrational and no matter how much we think and reason about it it is still a mystery even up to the very moment it is proclaimed it is a complete unknown
and we do it anyway because our heart leads us there
yes i will renounce the limited self yes i will notice dualistic thinking yes i will be present all day long yes i will live to benefit all beings yes i will not steal yes i will not lie yes i will not
praise surf at the expense of others yes i will not intoxicate my mind yes i will not miss you sexuality i will refrain from doing evil i will do all good yes i promise i will

so
tomorrow we have such a ceremony and everyone's invited
to come you can come and witness these people doing this silly foolish thing
it's actually a happiness for the community
and for everyone kind of profound giving up and in this case you know they're going to be priests but it doesn't really matter you know lay people do the same practice
it's just that when it's made public like that than everybody can make sure that they're accountable
so
so that's that and please i hope of course we all do that next year we all are completely fully enlightened free and at peace forever happy and so as
everybody asked the entire world to know suffering
just a little bit