This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. So I want to talk about the question, what is the impossible request your life asks of you? What is the impossible request? And this is a question that I've been grappling with and asking myself my entire life. And I think it's the question that brought me here many years ago and a question that I continue to turn probably most days in my life. I lived here for many years. So I always feel like this is returning home, coming back to Tassajara, and wonderful to be held by the generosity of the students and the staff here and the mountains.

[01:16]

And even the clouds and rain came in today. It was quite wonderful and surprising. Yeah, I often describe my life as that I grew up here. particularly in the Tassajara kitchen, where I was the dishwasher and worked on the kitchen crew. I was the baker. I spent a year as the assistant cook and a year as the tenzo, the head cook. And I think all that time, that question about what is this request, what is this life, I was thinking of, you know, sometimes people ask which job was my favorite, which I like the best. And I think, I started to think about this, and then I felt like my Zen training kicked in.

[02:18]

And I said, I love them all. You know, what use would it be to pick which was my favorite? Because then, if I did, then would I have not liked the others as much? It's a bit like I heard as I was driving down here a few days ago that someone did a study of silver and bronze medal winners on the Olympics. And it turns out that bronze winners, third place, are happier than people who finish second, who get the silver. Because if you finish in second place, you're comparing yourself to the gold medal winner and you feel like you lost. But if you finish in third place, you feel happy that you won a medal. So how unbelievably ridiculous.

[03:19]

What I like about the Buddhist religion, it says, you should be happy for having been born a human being. This is enough. This is really enough. And actually, in a lot of cultures, to this day, this is considered the greatest accomplishment, just to be born in the body of a human being. And I think this question, this question of asking ourselves about the impossible request is a way to not take our lives for granted. To not take it for granted that we can breathe and walk and to see the thin veneer between life and death. And this is the practice. In the Tassara kitchen, it's said that we should practice with three minds. joyful mind, grandmother mind, and wise mind or magnanimous mind.

[04:33]

And again, it's not like, which mind do you prefer? It's somehow embracing practice, embracing our lives, embracing the impossible request of being a human being. And that impossible request might be Here, it's the impossible request of practicing and being here in the summer and waiting for the winter. I found that during the summer when I was here, I couldn't wait for winter to come. But during the winter, I couldn't wait for summer. So I think we're all like those. We can laugh at those gold and silver medalists, but I think we're all like that. in our own ways, that we are impacted and affected by the circumstances of our life, as we should be. But this question is a way of shifting our lives.

[05:40]

And a way that I've been thinking about it is that it's a little bit like there's what are called the bodhisattva vows. which we will do, I believe, at the end of this talk. We will chant, beings are numberless. I vow to save them. And delusions are inexhaustible. I vow to end them. So these are kind of ways to take this big topic of what is the impossible request, of our lives and to put it into practice, a way to practice that here is an answer, here's a way to live in vow. And it's sometimes talked about that these vows, these two vows are a profound and subtle way to shift our lives from living where we're constantly being thrown around by our preferences

[06:52]

So a way to talk about this is this is a definition of karma. Karma is when we're constantly going from one preference to another and our life is one, you know, from one success, right? We win the gold medal this day and we're happy and the next day we win the bronze and we, you know, when we're not so happy, we win the silver and we're even less happy. And instead, this is a shift in shifting the ground of our lives from... from living in karma, living in preference and habit, to living a life of vow. In a way, two profound, simple, and impossible vows. The vows to help all beings. The vows to help others awaken. What a beautiful vow. We've been... there's been a group of us doing a leadership workshop.

[07:55]

Actually, it's called Leadership Imagination Zen. And what I like about that title is we could do anything we want with that. But we've been trying to bring together this topic of leadership and Zen practice, maybe combined by imagination. And in a way, these vows are about living an imaginative life, living a creative life, not being so caught by our day-to-day preferences and habits. There's a somewhat famous expression from Zen that says, being happy or being awake is easy. Just stop picking and choosing. Being happy, being awake is easy. Just stop picking and choosing. Now, of course, there's no getting away from picking and choosing.

[08:57]

I'm picking and choosing these words, and we pick and choose to come to Tassahara. But there is a way on another. We are amazingly capable of putting our attention in more than one place. We can put our attention to... being careful about picking and choosing, and we can put our attention on our deeper vow and not be so attached to picking and choosing. And our sitting practice, this practice of sitting, of zazen, is another expression of this impossible request, an expression of living in vow that we just that we just sit without... Sitting is not a self-improvement program. It's more the sense to practice this impossible request to be our most awake self, to have the kind of practice and try on letting go of all...

[10:16]

preferences, all habits, and just sitting physically and practicing letting go of our preferences with every breath. Being willing to die with each breath. The sense of, as we breathe out, that we don't know what will happen. We don't make assumptions. So in a way, this is practicing with... Beings are numberless. I vow to save them. Or sometimes it's translated as I vow to awaken with them. I want to read a short poem by Dainan Katagiri, who was a Zen teacher from Japan who lived here for a few years in the early days of and then was the head teacher at the Minnesota Zen Center before he died some many years ago.

[11:24]

This poem is called Peaceful Life. Being told that it's impossible, one believes in despair. Is that so? Being told that it is possible, one believes in excitement. That's right. But whichever is chosen, it does not fit one's heart neatly. Being asked what is unfitting, I don't know what it is, but my heart knows somehow. I feel an irresistible desire to know what a mystery human is. As to this mystery, clarifying, knowing how to live, knowing how to walk with people, demonstrating and teaching, This is the Buddha. But from my human eyes, I feel it's really impossible to become a Buddha. But this I, regarding what the Buddha does, vows to practice, to aspire, to be resolute, and tells me, yes, I will.

[12:32]

Just practice right here, now, and achieve continuity endlessly, forever. This is living in vow. Here is one's peaceful life found. So this is a prescription for how to work with this vow, whether it's this vow of what is the impossible request my life asks of me, or the vow of saving all beings, or the vow of ending delusions. just say just a little bit, what does this mean, ending delusions? This word that's translated as delusion comes from a Sanskrit word. The word is klesha, and it literally means hindrances or troubles or defilements, unwholesome, things that lead to unwholesome action.

[13:35]

And there's these four, kind of four fundamental, which are being ignorant of impermanence is the first one. So not realizing, not embracing change. The second is clinging to our established views. And the third is arrogance. And the fourth is attachment to self. So I love, there's a lot about this poem that I really love. And in some way, this prescription is... is in a way it's similar to these vows. He lays out that the path is clarifying, so get clear. This is letting go of our attachments, of our preferences, the preferences that get in our way. And I love how he says, I feel it's impossible to become a Buddha. I feel it's impossible to be my fully awakened

[14:40]

completely alive, completely present self. But some part of me, some other part of me vows that this is what I need to do. I need to do this. That I say yes. I say yes to myself. I say yes to my life. Clarifying. Knowing how to live. Knowing how to walk with people. This is much like, I think, Tassajara summer practice for students is learning how to walk with people. All kinds of people come through the gates with many ideas about why they're here and how we walk together as students. Just thinking of two moments from my time in the kitchen. One, I can remember one moment in which it was incredibly tense. It can be on very hot days with very high expectations, and you have a variety of really good cooks working together, many of them with sharp knives in their hands.

[15:55]

This is not a good situation. I can remember when I was the assistant cook, there was a huge amount of tension. amongst the staff working together. And it was quite beautiful how it ended up coming together. The other thing that I was remembering is when I was a dishwasher, one of my assistants, I always had an assistant, and it was amazing who would show up. And one day, my assistant assigned to me to work with me, I think for like a week or two, was Paul Disco, who is one of the most skilled... Japanese carpenters in the world. He designed and built this zendo. So naturally he was assigned to work with me as a dishwasher. But he had a brilliant mind. I was in my early 20s then and my practice around food was to eat as much as possible. And being dishwasher was a pretty good position for that because

[17:04]

We used to, after eating the student meals, we thought it was part of the job to eat the guest food that would come back. And Paul had some preferences, though, that the food should be kept warm. So he rigged this amazing platform. In those days, there wasn't a dishwasher. We washed the dishes by hand, and we put them in a sterilizer. So there was a little gas flame underneath a big sink. And Paul arranged this amazing shelf with all kinds of hooks and wires, and he built a platform to put the food there so that the food would stay warm. So after we were finished washing the dishes, we could sit down and have a civilized fifth and sixth meal of the day. So what is this question?

[18:13]

What is the impossible request that your life asks of you? What really matters? I'm kind of curious as to what comes up. I'd like to hear all of your answers, how it resonates in you, this question about what is the impossible request. So I think we should do that. So I want to try something, which is, I know it's a bit unconventional, and I hope, Greg, you'll maybe ask me back next year, but I want to actually have each person turn to the person next to you. So find someone. So just turn to the person next to you. Don't start talking yet. I'm going to give some instructions. But find a person. Please, find a person.

[19:15]

And feel free to move if you're willing to play along here and want fun. Feel free to move to find someone. So here's what we're going to do. I want to suggest... that you speak with your partner, that you address this question in any way that you would like. The question is, what is the impossible request my life asks of me? And I want you to pretend that you know the answer. Try it on. Try it on. Only you and this person you're talking to are going to know. Just try it on as though you know. if it's possible, to just jump in and say, yes, here it is. Here's the impossible request. Just try it. And if it doesn't come forth, that's fine, too. No problem. But just see if you can, not exactly pretend, but address it with some confidence, that you have some confidence in yourself as you ask this question.

[20:33]

Yeah, okay. Thank you. Maybe you're not the only one. What we're doing, you're addressing the question, perhaps addressing it or answering the question is, what is the impossible request your life asks of you? That's right. You're asking yourself, what is the impossible request my life asks of me? Yes, you're each asking yourself that. And you can answer it in any way that feels... appropriate, whether it's here's what this means to me or here's how grappling with this question would shift my life in whatever way feels useful to you to address this question. Again, we're not trying to impress each other, just exploring. We'll need to keep voices really low, otherwise people will be yelling in order to hear So that may be an impossible request itself.

[21:39]

So get close to the person. And we're going to do this for just a few minutes. Make sure both people get to listen and get to speak. So try it on. Yeah.

[23:12]

So one more minute, one more minute. You're up. You guys are good. Mako? Can we get a bell? So if you can finish and thank your partner and come back.

[24:49]

Is there anything that you learned from this, either from yourself or listening to someone, or any questions at all anyone wants to ask? Yes. So I heard both answers. Great. Great. Thank you. Yeah, I think both of those areas are impossible, right? We live in a time of war and climate change and violence. I mean, just it's impossible, the place we find ourselves in.

[26:05]

And then there's our daily lives of... taking care of our lives and working and family. Any other comments or questions? Yes. I felt how at home I feel in talking about the impossible request and creating a space of opening that. I am the mother of 11-year-old twin boys who both have autism. So I... I live every moment in a culture that by and large is in a different place and so for me that's one of the gifts that comes through the life that's given to me is becoming very comfortable. impossible requests and very at home and other people's impossible requests and whatever they might be.

[27:09]

Thank you. Any other comments, questions? Well, my own... I have a variety of impossible requests in my own life. One is that one of the... kind of strange vows that I made when I last lived here was to bring Dharma into the world of business. And it's been a long, long path of doing that. And it's amazing how suddenly the business world seems to have come around. And maybe it's so hard out there that they become more and more interested in... mindfulness practice and and looking at how to be how to walk with other people right how to live how to live one's life and how to walk with other people and looking for a kind of clarity for many you know many many motivations I think some some wholesome and some maybe not so wholesome and I'm I get a kick out of saying that these days my I'm currently the recently

[28:30]

the CEO of Silly, and my partner is Google's Jolly Goodfellow. Silly stands for Search Inside Yourself Leadership Institute, and it's a non-profit organization that I was just part of creating. It's based on some mindfulness and emotional intelligence work that I've been doing at Google. along with Norman Fisher was one of the kind of early member of that team and a Google engineer and a Stanford neuroscientist. And it's been really a wonderful program. And I feel like we're answering this impossible request of taking this work out into the world. Any other questions? questions or comments about anything yes what do I mean impossible well it's a little bit like beings are numberless I vow to save them this is like if they're numberless how could you save them it's impossible but we vow we make this effort to do it anyhow

[29:58]

delusions are inexhaustible. I vow to end them. Or to study Buddhism is to study yourself, and to study yourself is to forget yourself. What could be more impossible than that? But yet, so this is, I think, the practice of getting us out of our usual minds of thinking and preference and into some deeper, more intuitive and whole place. someplace that's outside of the limitations that we tend to place on everything, particularly ourselves. I think we place these huge limitations on ourselves and on each other and on what the world is. So I think to penetrate that, we can't do it through something that is due A, B, C. There's no laminated fold-out map for how to be a human being.

[31:03]

So I think it's about shifting our lives to living in vow. It's kind of impossible, but yet we have to do it. That's what I mean. Oh, you've got it all worked out. We should talk. Yes, you do. You just do it one at a time. Yeah, exactly. Yes, Judith. he's throwing them back in one body. Question, why are you doing that? It's impossible.

[32:05]

It doesn't matter. It matters today. That's a great story. Though it's impossible, we save the beings that are right in front of us. We start with ourselves. We start by what can we do to save, to awaken this being, and how can we So I think these are two fundamental practices. If we just take on the practice of how can I awaken, how can I be the most awake person possible, and how can I help others? If we just put our attention here, this is pretty good, pretty good practice. But of course those things then happen right in the midst of taking care of children and cooking meals and driving the stage or serving that.

[33:06]

So these vows are about remembering to save others, to help others, and remembering to end our delusions. Thank you very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving.

[33:44]

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