This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. I appreciate very much being here this morning. Once, even at the door of the room, I sense the stillness, and it's particularly focused. It's a stillness that's focused and alert and interested and curious. So it's wonderful to be in such a place with such people in a gathering like this. One of Suzuki Roshi's most favorite, most quoted expressions is beginner's mind.

[01:12]

Zen is to practice having a beginner's mind. So this morning, coming into this room, you can feel beginner's mind. Beginner's mind, you know, so... He said, in the expert's mind, there are only a few possibilities. In the beginner's mind, there are many. And even, he said, if you do something for many years, like Zen practice, it's important to maintain or renew your beginner's mind, seeing what you can find out. studying, being open. And this is a very interesting point because he also said, for instance, Zen is to feel your way along in the dark.

[02:28]

And you don't know where you're going or what you'll find. You might think it's better to know where you're going and how to get there. So you can just do it. But when you know where to go and how to get there, then you push people and things out of your way. Out of my way. I know where I'm going. So then you're not so sensitive. And you get in a hurry. And Zen, he said, it's better actually not to know where you're going or what you'll find. And then you're very careful, you're very sensitive. What is this? What is it that I'm meeting? What is this moment? You know, how shall I live my life? So pretty nice to walk into a room with a whole room full of people lost in the dark.

[03:44]

And yet we can all be in this darkness. We can be friends. And not be in too much of a hurry to get any place. Pretty nice air. So today I want to, I thought I would talk about another topic that Suzuki Roshi brought up from time to time. He said, for instance, one day he said, I've been working, I had, in zazen, he said, in meditation, you know, you will often notice something that you hadn't noticed before. And he said, that day, he said, I worked in the and I was moving rocks, and I didn't realize how tired I was, how tired my muscles were until I started sitting.

[04:58]

Then when I started sitting, I thought, oh, my muscles are in pretty bad condition. He said, you might think it's easier to meditate if you don't have any problems, but you need to have a problem. Even a small one will be okay, but you need some problem. you might think it'd be better, you know, easier to practice meditation and you could say, you know, to live your life if you didn't have problems. But when you practice with your difficulty and right there in the midst of your difficulty, finding your way with your difficulty, this is, you know, he said, like Dogen mentioned, practice and enlightenment are one. So when you practice with your difficulty, then you, you know, are open to possibilities and you find your way.

[06:05]

So he also mentioned, you know, it's not such a good idea to spend your life hiding your problems. So this is an interesting point to me because Sometimes in our culture, and I see friends and people say, people don't want to admit to having problems. So this kind of question comes up, what is the problem about having problems? And is it better to see if you can overlook or hide your problems? Or is it better to acknowledge your problems? Or what should we do? And this only gets more and more problematic if you decide you want to become a Zen student and then you become a priest.

[07:19]

Because we're supposed to be, you know, supremely, perfectly enlightened. And then, is it okay to have problems? Many years ago, well, about 12 or 10, 12 years ago, I was starting a cooking workshop at Tassajara, so I mentioned to my group... this is the good morning and we're starting our workshop and I'm actually feeling kind of anxious today about the beginning of the workshop and a lot of my things are out in the road, in the middle of the road at Tassara with a white sheet over them. I don't know where my notes are. I was surprised They told me I needed to move yesterday. And then they said, no, you can't move. And then you should move later in the day. And then you should move tomorrow morning. And then at the last minute, they came and said, you need to move. So they moved all my things out to the middle of the road in three carts with white sheets on top of them.

[08:30]

And I'm feeling kind of stressed about starting the workshop. And the woman sitting right to my right, she grabbed my wrist and she started pulling my hand and it looked like my hand was going right between her breasts. I was a bit horrified. I thought, what is my hand doing going right between her breasts? And sure enough, she pulled my hand right between her breasts. And she said, oh, are you anxious? I'm anxious too. And the first thing I noticed was the feeling of her breasts on either side of my little finger and my thumb. And then I noticed her heart was beating, boom, [...] boom. I said, oh my goodness, you are anxious, aren't you? Your heart is just beating away. And then she said, yes, I'm anxious, and I'll bet everybody in the room is anxious.

[09:34]

And then once she said that, everybody relaxed. You know, is it my anxiety? Is it everybody's anxiety? Whose is it? And because at the beginning of a course, I'm feeling anxious about how well the course is going to go. And then everybody in the room is feeling anxious like... Are they going to get it? Are they going to look good? Are they going to be a good student, a bad student? Will they learn anything? Will they not learn anything? Will he like me? Will he not like me? So there's a lot of stuff in the air. So on that occasion, we all relaxed. And then my friend Sharon, she's been my friend ever since. When I go to Boston, I stay with her and her husband in Boston. And she is such a dear person. She was for many years a nurse for the homeless. And she's very involved with best friends for cats and dogs. She's got six cats, and her husband lives upstairs.

[10:39]

He's got seven, and they live on a hill with these woods, and there's feral cats all around, and they feed another eight or something. And then her cats, they can't go out. She's worried like something could happen to them. His cats, they get the come and go. And, you know, he comes downstairs to, you know, get food from her. And then he goes back upstairs. Anyway, so they're dear people and we're, you know, good friends. So then, you know, another year I was in Cleveland and I admitted once again to having some problems. You know, I said, you know, the course is just starting and I'm feeling really anxious about... Some of the ingredients are not what I expected. I was going to make a tomato salad, and the tomatoes are kind of orange and hard.

[11:40]

They're not very good, so I have to come up with something else to make with them, and it's not going to be good for a salad, and I'm not sure how this is going to go. And then this woman says, well, Ed, you've been practicing Zen now for 30 years, and you're still getting anxious? What is your problem?" So this woman, I don't know her name and I haven't seen her since. And I, you know, so now however much I try to explain, you know, that actually maybe you would know better what your problems are after years of Zen practice rather than having fewer of them and being So one view of spiritual practices is you become masterful. Now, I am masterful.

[12:42]

Are you as masterful as I am? And if you want to be masterful, just do what I tell you, and then maybe one day you will be masterful too. In the meantime, just do what I say. So my approach is more like, oh, do you have problems? Oh, me too. What should we do together? Rather than having some strategy or some, like, the point would be how to overcome your problems and not have them. So I'm more in the school of Zen, Zen is a way to study how to have problems. You know, what's a good way to have problems? And then who to have your problems with? You know, and who will help you sort out the problems?

[13:49]

And can you, you know, study? And what is the problem here? So... So over the years, anyway, I've had a fair number of problems. I think we all have. And at some point, it becomes a problem not to have any problems and to be masterful. Then you wonder, what is the secret here? What don't we see? What's being hidden? So pretty interesting. And so I'm starting now to call my schoolers and the get real school. And I don't mean like, let's act out in a demonstrative, flamboyant fashion our problems. Act out. Let's have temper tantrums and fits in public.

[14:54]

I don't mean like that. But could we have a flow of feelings and know what we're feeling when we feel it and be able to share others what our feelings are? And some of the feelings might be happy and some of them are sad and some of them are pleasant and some of them are unpleasant. And anyway, let's be in touch with what's going on in our being and responding to the world, including what's inside. Rather than... seeing if we can present a picture of ourselves as someone without problems. So I thought a lot about this. What's at stake here? Why is it so important for us to present a picture of somebody who doesn't have problems? And it goes, as far as I can tell, it goes often way back in our lives. The other day I was thinking about this and I remembered a Vipassana teacher I know.

[16:02]

And there's actually a movie about Robert. And I've heard him talk about this. When he was in school, he was the teacher's pet. And he was elected class president and did well and went to college. And after college he started studying massage. And then when he was 27 or 28 and he would be getting massaged, especially on his legs, he'd have pictures of ropes and being tied up. And he started wondering about this and what this was about. And then he was talking to somebody and they said, well, why don't you ask your parents if something happened to you when you were little? And they said, oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you know, when you were two and a half, your little sister came home from the hospital, and there was all kinds of people over at the house, and they were all admiring your little sister, and, you know, just delighted to see her, and nobody was paying any attention to you.

[17:11]

You wandered out the front door, and then we couldn't find you. And, you know, your father organized a whole group of friends to look around the neighborhood. Nobody could find you for... two or three days, and he organized his own group of friends to look, and there was this window right down on the street level, and they looked in that window, and there you were all tied up. And you'd been abducted and molested. And so then your father and his friends rescued you, and we decided the best thing to do would be not to talk about it. Because then you just forget about it. You just forget. You get over it. But after that, he was at home, and then he wouldn't talk. So then after six months or eight months or something, his mother started beating him because he wasn't talking.

[18:16]

And eventually... He came up with a plan. You create another self that everybody likes. And he became somebody that people liked and did well in school, and the teachers liked him, the students liked him, and he created a persona that looked good. Until he was 28. and began to sense something else is going on inside. And most of us have not had this kind of trauma early in our life, but it's still pretty much the way it is as human beings that we create a persona. that especially mom and dad will appreciate and like, and then that other people will.

[19:25]

And then how do we do this so that we are accepted in human society and in our family? And then if you don't talk, well, you might get hit. How do you need to be so you don't get hit? so that people like you, so they respect you, so they approve of you. What do you need to do? So this is the nature of our life. We have a persona. And one of the wonderful things that people notice about Zen practice is when you sit in meditation and you face the wall, pretty soon you realize, I don't need to do that person anymore. And then you start to find you have problems. So this is very interesting.

[20:26]

And then you start to wonder, why am I practicing Zen? Am I doing this to have problems? And within the community at Zen Center, you people, after a while, drop their social face, you know, the face they've been used to doing. It's like the... One time, sometimes I tell people, Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, you know, smile, practice smiling. And if you go for walking meditation, then you practice enjoying yourself. And I asked him one time, so why don't you teach mindfulness? Why do you teach people enjoyment? And he said, you Westerners are enjoyment challenged.

[21:27]

And if you're going to enjoy something, you will have to be mindful of the object of awareness in order to enjoy it. So one time I was teaching this and a woman said to me, Ed, I spent my whole life smiling for you men. And I'm not gonna do this anymore. But that's the kind of feeling we have of, how do I need to do this so that I'm okay, that people like me? What's my performance? How do I need to perform? So at some point we often get interested in, how can I be me? As opposed to, and then how can I be me and how can I know me and express me rather than be going through a performance all the time? Because, you know, when you're performing, you're only as good as your last performance. And it's very stressful then. Very stressful because will your next performance go over as well as your last one?

[22:41]

So the question is, can you be seen? Are you willing to be seen? Are you willing to be heard? And we're so used to, children should be seen and not heard, and sit down and be still and be quiet. And how do you behave so that you can, in a way, be invisible? Because as soon as you get any attention, probably somebody will find something wrong with you. So is there some way to get through without being seen? On one hand, this is our wonderful love and our wish to be not to harm and not to disturb others. And on the other hand, how will you be you? Can you be you and can you express yourself? Can you be seen? Can you see? your own difficulty or your own feelings?

[23:44]

And can you allow others to see them? And can you be real rather than performing? So this is an ongoing study. As far as I can tell, this is the study of a lifetime. We don't stop with this study. So we're also studying which situations call for what. I don't go around telling the clerk in the grocery store what I'm feeling. When they say, how are you? It's like, okay. You know, you need... We're studying who are we with, what's the occasion, and then what's the response here?

[24:46]

How do I meet this occasion? How do I practice in this moment? So I think, among other things, this has to do with what is your intention, what is your aim or focus. Sometimes if we're not careful, we think Zen practice may be a better way to look good. Spiritual practice may be a better way to not have problems and to be an admirable spiritual person. I thought this, especially when I would go driving and then I'm a spiritual person, why don't they get out of my way? Don't they realize what a wonderful spiritual person I am? And then I could just imagine them thinking, well, he's so spiritual, he doesn't mind being patient.

[26:03]

So this is Suzuki Roshi, used to ask sometimes, what is it you want most of all? What is it you really want? If you read Rumi and other poets, the same kind of question. What is it you really want? And as far as I can tell, when I studied this anyway, I come to, I want to, how can I be myself? and find out how to express myself and not be doing a performance all the time? Can I say at the beginning of a cooking class, I'm feeling anxious. How are you doing? And can I acknowledge something and we share that? Oh, everybody I think is feeling anxious. And then we all relax. And we can be together because

[27:06]

And we actually meet because we're not doing our performance, we're not hiding anymore. And we can say what's going on with us. And then the other kind of Suzuki Roshi also would ask, what is the most important point? What's really important here? What's important for you? And as you clarify this aim or intention, vision, picture, then this is something that you aim for. It's not something necessarily that you hit the mark all the time. Dogen says, aim to hit the mark. Zen Master Dogen says, aim to hit the mark. And even if you miss, keep aiming. So this is... I find this really fascinating.

[28:08]

So I've also come to really appreciate a fairy tale, which is the fairy tale about Rapunzel. Rapunzel? And you know, she lives in a tower, and around the tower are thorn bushes. Have you met anybody like that? People used to say about me that I was like that. You're not very approachable. And I think, I'm a nice person. How come nobody is approaching me? And I just didn't notice the thorn bushes. I met a... I was just... I just got back from Europe a few days ago, and I led a meditation retreat in Austria, and there was a young man there, and he said, I've listened to all your lectures online many times.

[29:11]

Wow. And he's his end priest, and he's awfully sweet, but he reminds me so much of myself, he's also a little scary. And he has no idea how scary he is, you know, to the people outside. And he was hitting the mokugyo, you know, our drum for chanting. He was going, bam, [...] bam. And I said, you know, and I was worried, like, can I correct him? Do I dare? So I said, I think we're in two different schools here as far as how to hit the mocha. And your school seems to be bap, bap, bap. And in my school, you hit it a little at a bit of an angle and you go, bap, [...] bap. So you bap, bap, rather bam, [...] bam.

[30:17]

And it's more like a heartbeat. Doom, doom, [...] other than wah, wah, wah, wah. And he smiled. Oh, okay. But anyway, this is typically where we get to. This is a nice place to live. It's up in the head, the tower. And you've got some nice thorn bushes. It's a kind of enchantment. It's the enchantment of everyday life. I sometimes say to people, you could imagine light coming from above and washing through your body. And this young man in Austria says, aren't you just making that up? I said, yeah, I'm just making it up. What did you think you're doing the rest of the time? Oh, you thought that was real the way you were...

[31:22]

experience in reality. Huh, okay. No, it's called the trance of everyday reality. And we've been bewitched. And then the witch says, you can have whatever you want, just hang out here in the tower. And I'll take care of you. Nice, safe place. Well, you know what happens. The prince comes riding by and he hears her singing. And then he's like, where is that coming from? Whoa. And then the next thing you know, he's noticed she's up in the tower, and then he sees the witch, Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair. And the witch climbs up, so ooh. So he tries that, and then they have such a sweet time together. So usually something, anyway, you know, calls. You know, it's what's in your heart, finally, to be in this remote, isolated place where you're above it all.

[32:28]

And what problems do you have there? No, everything is taken care of. And so, we often aim to maintain this tower. And, you know, the witch discovers Rapunzel and the prince together. And... I think she had been tying together sheets or something so they could climb down together. I can't remember exactly. But the witch discovers this. And the prince is so frightened of the witch, he leaps out the window and goes into the thorn bushes and it pokes his eyes out. And the witch sends Rapunzel across one or two continents to the far side of a desert. So what happened, you know? So is this good? The life without problems is in the tower. If you don't want problems, stay there. And it's also a place that's kind of isolated.

[33:30]

And then when you meet something that touches you and draws you, now you've got problems. And that's good. So then they spend years out in the world, all kinds of difficulties and successes and failures, and they're getting old, and years pass. And one day, and the prince, of course, is blind. He can't see. But one day he hears her singing. And he says, Rapunzel, is that you? And then she recognizes him. And she comes over and she starts to cry, and of course her tears bring back his eyesight.

[34:30]

And then they can be together. But this is so interesting because as soon as you, if you actually aim for connection, intimacy, meeting, reality, you know, it doesn't, it's not... It's not so straightforward or easy. There's problems. Things don't work. It's like you cook a meal. You cook a meal, and then somebody says, Ew, what's that supposed to be? And you just gave your heart to it. But oftentimes we give our heart to something, and then people don't... So you gave your heart to it. So... It's got too much salt, or whatever the thing is. So we give our heart to things, and it doesn't mean that it all works.

[35:33]

But do you want to stay up in the tower, or do you want to have the problems of how do I actually connect with others, how do I actually meet others, and give and receive and... be nourished by good company. And it actually turns out that having problems together and finding out how to have problems, your own problems and with somebody else, is often nice. And it's much more alive and nourishing than... you know, it seems like it might be nice to stay in your pristine, problem-proof tower, but it actually turns out, you know, we long for this, you know, our connection, intimacy, relationship with the world, with others. You know, we long for that, and it's heartbreaking.

[36:42]

And actually when it's heartbreaking, when we stay with that, our heart grows larger. There's nothing wrong with hearts. There's nothing wrong with anybody's heart. Sometimes we feel like, I need to protect my heart, and I need to have some barrier, and not aim for connection or intimacy. And it feels safe and important, and for a while maybe it is. And then when we're ready, see, can I do this? Why don't I say hello here? Good morning. How are you? What's up? So again, as far as I can tell, even though it seems like the life without problems, we worry.

[37:52]

Will they, some fictitious they, but they is usually the big people that often in our lives are no longer alive. But will the big people, all the grown-ups out there, I'm still just a little person myself, but will the grown-ups like me? if I have problems? Or will they tell me not to bother them with my problems? And it's what we, as parents, we love to do it. We don't want our children to have problems. So if the pet dies, you say, don't be sad, we'll get you another dog. So when are you going to get to be sad? Oftentimes when something happens as adults, You know, a partner's sick or somebody dies. Things happen to our kids, our partners. You know, things happen in the world. Terribly devastating, like the oil spill.

[38:55]

And then, you know, there's grief. And our grief is, when do we get to have our grief? How is it to have grief? It's extremely painful, and yet you can breathe the grief into your heart, and your heart breaks. Oftentimes that initial, you know, when your heart breaks, you cry. And that crying is, that's the tears in the water of life. And then it washes, it cleans you. You know, the poet Hafiz says, don't give up your grief so quick. Let it cut more deeply. until finally you know you are someone with eyes so soft and tender, and your longing for spirit and the divine is so deep. And then you're drawn into connection, rather than isolating yourself.

[40:07]

So today I understand Green Gulch is having a membership drive, so to speak. So we're inviting you, if you're not already a member of Green Gulch, to become a member of Green Gulch Zen Center and to help to support a place such as Green Gulch where we have this kind of refuge and we have this opportunity to be with one another in this soft and tender-hearted way, and a place to be with yourself and to be with others where you don't have to, I'm good, how are you? I'm fine. You know, where it's something more than the proverbial cocktail party, which somehow... So anyway, I would like to encourage and invite you to consider becoming a member, and I think Nancy or someone will be saying more about this after I'm finished here.

[41:32]

So thank you for being here today, and I wish you well in this ongoing study, which is our human life and your own life, and what is it you really want, what's really important, finally, and aim. You miss and fall apart and aim again. Thank you so much. Blessings. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[42:29]

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