This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. We're still here. It seems especially remarkable to me these days because a month ago, I almost wasn't. I was driving, you know, a little after 7 o'clock, about 7.30. I was on my way to Santa Cruz and San Luis Obispo and Las Osas, Morro Bay. And I came through the tunnel headed for the Golden Gate Bridge.

[01:05]

I was in the right-hand lane, and the freeway entrance from Sausalito was about to come in, and I thought, I will move over a lane. And then I glanced back as I was moving over, and there was a big black pickup truck that seemed very intent on entering the space I was about to enter. without realizing that I was about to also enter that space. So I turned the wheel, I thought, a little bit, to come back into the right-hand lane. And somehow, you know, I don't know what happened, and everything was happening very fast, because when I looked forward, the car was bouncing along the right-hand guardrail. I don't know how that happened. I've never done that before. Before, when I've gone back into my lane, I went back into my lane and not into the guardrail.

[02:10]

I mean, that's stupid. So the car was bouncing along the guardrail and it was kind of clear of the guardrail, but I thought, you know, I probably should get a little of the car a little bit further from the guardrail. So I did the same thing. I turned the wheel a little bit, what I thought was a little bit, to the left. And I could tell at that point that I wasn't going to be able to do anything. The car was in a turn to the left, and I wasn't going to be able to stop it from turning to the left. So, I decided at that point, I'm not going to be able to do anything to fix or correct this situation. I have no idea where it's going to end up, we'll see. And when I next opened my eyes, I was facing the mountains

[03:26]

And the back of the car was nestled on the middle guardrail. And three lanes of commuter traffic in the first, second, and third were just going on past. The car up to my right, there was a white pickup truck that stopped in the fast lane. And the first thing, then I started thinking, you know, well, I don't want to be delaying the morning commute. If I was in the morning commute and getting delayed, I would not be very happy. I would want to make these people happy and get out of their way. So I put my foot on the clutch. It's a standard transmission car. It was a standard transmission car. As far as I know, it's on its way to the great car beyond.

[04:31]

Although, you know, the Hispanics at my local car wash always wanted to buy it from me. You want to sell this? You want to sell this? Because it was an Acura Integra GRS. Or GSR, something. But it's a, you know, 8,000 RPM high performance vehicle. You know, so... Those guys, they knew. And that car, when it's black, is one of the most stolen vehicles there is. But mine was white. Nonetheless, I would have dreams about my car disappearing. You know, that's the vehicle that's, you know, that your vehicle will disappear. And so when I'd come out of restaurants or the movies or something, I'd say to my partner, Margot, do you think my car will still be there? Because in my dreams, when I got out of the movies or the restaurant, I'd go back to the car and it wasn't there where I'd parked it.

[05:41]

It would be gone. And I found my car in various disabled states, you know, where it was stripped down, you know, everything removed from it. It's just, you know, burned out. So, so much for having a stable sense of self, you know. This is your car. Anyway, so I thought I'd better get out of the commuter traffic, and I put my foot on the clutch. The clutch pedal wasn't there. I thought, maybe I'm just not functioning right. Let me try that again. Put the foot where the clutch pedal... And if clutch pedal was not there, I never did look to see where the clutch pedal was. It was no longer where the clutch pedal used to be. So I realized I'm not going anywhere. I will just have to wait for and see what happens.

[06:44]

Then the man from the white pickup truck came down and I guess he was from Australia, you know, because he said, are you OK, mate? I said, I'm fine, but I don't have a cell phone, so maybe you could call somebody. He said, sure thing, mate. I was so grateful that that white pickup truck that he was driving had stopped. And not just right next to my car, but in the fast lane, stopped up the hill from me, about four or five car lanes. It was, you know, it was kind of strange to even be here at that point. Still seems like I'm here and like there's a, still seems like there's a body and it seems to be working.

[07:53]

Huh. How could that be? What a thing. And, you know, I've thought about it just a little bit and, you know, I have no idea, you know, why I'm still here. I don't know. Maybe I have other things to do in my life by the grace of the great beyond. the perfection of wisdom, the lovely, the holy. I don't know. So even before the man in the pickup truck could get off the phone, there was this huge tow truck that the bridge sends out right away. They want to get you off the road. So they have huge, it's a huge thing. And he came over, he had on his, you know,

[08:58]

sort of mechanics uniform or garage uniform, and it had chartreuse reflector stripes, horizontal on it. And he said, are you okay? And I said, yeah, but I'm kind of embarrassed about delaying the commute traffic. And he said, ah, this is nothing. You know, yesterday we had a 10-car crash in the tunnel. Laughter We'll have you out of here in no time. I said, that wasn't yesterday. That was Tuesday. I don't know if you remember that. I was driving south, trying to drive south when there was a 10-car crash in the tunnel. That's how I knew it was Tuesday. And this was Thursday. I knew that much. So he said, we'll have you out here in no time, but, you know, we need to wait for the CHP before we move you.

[09:59]

So, you know, another minute or two passed, and there was the highway patrol. And he came up, and, of course, he's got on his snappy tan uniform and big, sturdy, beefy man. And, how are you doing? You okay? And he said, well... Yeah, I'm fine. And he said, that's good, you know. Metal and plastic, that can be replaced. And I think maybe while I was waiting for the highway patrolman, I got out of the car. And when I got out of the car, I carefully closed the car door on my finger. And I kind of pulled it out. It was bleeding on the front. It was really smushed so much that the front of the finger had... So that was the most painful thing. Anyway, the highway patrolman said...

[11:18]

You know, we can make an accident report if you want. But, you know, you didn't hit anybody. You didn't cause any damage to any other vehicle. The only damage is your vehicle. That's called collision. And nobody was injured. So we're not required to make an accident report when it's just a matter of collision and no one's injured. If we make an accident report, it's going to be a point on your insurance and your rates could go up. Would you like to make an accident report? Well, I guess if we don't have to, let's not, okay? It's all right. Okay, well, let's get you out of here. And then another highway patrolman came up and he said, you're all right. And I said, Yeah, but my finger's bleeding.

[12:21]

You know, I closed the car door on my finger, and he said, I think I have a Band-Aid. I'll get it for you. So he came back a little while later with a Band-Aid. I was standing there outside my car in the fast lane. I had on shorts because I was going south, and I had on a pink shirt. I don't quite understand how this happened, but I had my coffee mug in my left hand, The coffee had splattered all over my pink shirt. And I was standing outside the car. It was a little chilly, but I was, I think mostly I was shaking because, you know, it's what you do with trauma when you have a chance is to shake. And the highway patrolman said, why don't you go sit in my car? We'll take care of this.

[13:23]

So I sat in his car, and at one point also, before I'd gotten out of my car, the man in the white pickup had said, come back, and he tossed a business card into my car, onto the passenger seat there, and he said, hey, mate, call me later. Let me know you're okay. I'd appreciate it. And then he left. So I was sitting in the highway patrol car and my car got towed off. And the highway patrol is very good about stepping out into traffic and just everybody stops. And my car got towed to the side. And then the highway patrol car went over to the side with me in it. And then I talked to the tow truck driver from the Corte Madera tow. And he gave me the address. He said, you can come pick up your stuff from the car later. Some of you may have been here last month.

[14:26]

You know, when I gave a talk, I had a little stuffed pig hand puppet named Ponce. Ponce was in the car with me, so Ponce had a kind of traumatic experience too. Because then he got left in the car while, you know, it was towed. Poor Ponce. But I went and picked him up later. And Ponce today, by the way, is having quite a good time. on top of the bed with some of his other stuffed animal friends. I know this isn't of great import to many of you, but... Excuse me. So it turns out that having this kind of accident is kind of a strange... You know, like then we were off to the side and the highway patrolman said, so what do you want to do?

[15:32]

I said, well, maybe I should drive with the tow truck. Then he said, well, if you drive with the tow truck, you won't have a car or anything. What are you going to do? So I said, well, maybe I better call up my partner and see if I can borrow her car. So Margo had not quite left for school. It was about 10 to 8 by that point. And the phone rings and she says, hello. And I say, hi, it's Ed. I don't have a cell phone, you know. So this is a little unusual that I would be calling. And I say, Margo, my car is gone. It was totaled. I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me. I mean, no injuries. Can I borrow your car? She said, yeah, why don't you meet me at the school? She teaches at a real school, which is at the mouth of Tennessee Valley in the Peace Lutheran Church.

[16:38]

So I said to the highway patrolman, can you take me to the Peace Lutheran Church? He said, oh yeah, where is that? I said, well, it's the mouth of Tennessee Valley. And he said, oh, that's fine. I can take you there. I'll drop you off. So I got down to Peace Lutheran Church way before Margo. And one of the other teachers, Mark, was there with Pastor Ricky. And they watched me get out of the highway patrol car. What is this about? And first, Mark said he was worried that... The highway patrol was after him because he'd just gotten into the parking lot, and he had darted between two cars to make that left turn off of Highway 1 onto Tennessee Valley Road, which is really hard in the morning. Sometimes you wait 10 or 15 minutes because the cars keep coming to get to the freeway. And then it wasn't him, and then I got out, and they were looking at me, and I said, hi, Mark, it's me, Ed.

[17:42]

After a while, I said... well, you know, I'm here because my car's not here and because, you know, I totaled my car on the freeway. And he said, oh, that was you? We heard that on the radio. But he's looking at me like, nothing seems to have happened to you. What do you mean you were in an accident? That was you? I don't know. How are any of us here? So someone described, you know, I haven't been telling a lot of people about this accident. It's not like I sent out a newsletter or tried to figure out who to call and let them know. Because, I mean, I called my daughter. And when I saw her next, she said, oh, I heard you were in an accident.

[18:50]

And it's like, well, yeah, you know, It looks like I'm here and I'm fine, but you have no idea. I almost wasn't. It's very strange. And someone described it as you had a head-on collision with grace, which grace did not have. Grace had a head-on collision with another car or a head-on collision with gratitude. And I can still sit cross-legged for a few more days, I guess. It's hard to know. So actually, and perhaps as you have, I've spent a good deal of my life wondering, why am I here? What am I doing here?

[19:55]

What shall I do while I'm here? What kind of life shall I live? And, you know, in high school, you know, teachers would say, you need to study and get good grades so you can get a good job, so you can buy a house, so you can have a family and kids. And I thought, well, that's why I'm here. I don't know. And I was in college and, you know, I read Paul Raps' book, Zen Flesh, Zen Bones, and there's this story about a boy who writes home to his mom. I'm getting good grades. I'm helping the other kids study. I'm writing great papers. And mom writes back and says, son, I didn't raise you to be a walking dictionary. Why don't you go to the mountains and attain true realization? And I thought, well, that sounds more like it.

[20:57]

Enough with this getting good grades and having a career and, you know, a good job and a house in the suburbs and a family. And I think, you know, the mountains and true realization, that sounds about right. And the end of the school year came and I dropped out and said, reasons for leaving. And I put... on the exit paper there to go to the mountains and attain true realization. I mean, what did you think? I'm leaving school. I got something better to do. So this has been my life, wondering what to do, going up to the mountains. And then I didn't get to the mountains. That was 19... And then, you know, in 1966, I went down to Tassajara the last year that it was a resort. I got a job. I sat Zauzin with a friend of mine. And then, since I bought Tassajara, so I was in the mountains for about seven years.

[22:09]

You know, how do any of us find our way? What are you doing? How do you... do you know what to do where do you what are the clues in the last month I you know and I'm still thinking I think about this a lot you know so I think a lot of the time we get captivated by you know seeking approval and recognition and saying if we can do things in a way that other people approve recognize value but what about from inside. You know, like in Rumi's poem, let yourself be silently drawn by the stronger pull of what you really want. What is it that you really want? And, you know, do you have the courage or the heart or the foolishness or the stupidity or whatever it is to follow that, you know,

[23:17]

Joseph Campbell used to say, follow your bliss. One time I heard a talk where he said, I say this all the time, and one time a woman came up to me and she said, Mr. Campbell, I was at your talk here a year ago, your workshop, and you said to follow your bliss. And this last year I've been following my bliss. I quit my job and I moved and I did. And this is just a mess. My life is a mess. It just doesn't work anymore. And he said, I didn't say it would be easy. But this is a big issue. Do you, you know, are you going to do what's safe and gets, you know, may get you approval and recognized and, or, you know, is there some bliss to follow, some tiny, some thread? William Stafford, you know, says there's a thread you follow.

[24:21]

It goes among things, but it doesn't change. As long as you hold on to it, you can't get lost. You have to explain to people what you're doing. Tragedies happen. People grow old and get sick. You suffer and grow old. Nothing you do can stop times unfolding. You don't ever let go of the thread. So we all have some thread, and it's very mysterious. What is your thread, and how do you find your way along your thread and not be caught up in seeking approval, referencing yourself with everything outside of you?

[25:22]

Are they happy with you? Do they approve? And to follow your thread, at some point, it's not easy. And other people don't necessarily agree or value it, what you're doing. So this morning, and another thing that I do, So, you know, I started sitting in 1965. On 9-11, you know, 2001 was the 30th anniversary of my ordination as a Buddhist priest. So the recent 9-11 was my 40th anniversary. It was a little happier than the 30th. But one of my tendencies is I just keep starting over again.

[26:30]

you know, really gotten anywhere. I don't, you know, plenty of people know way more about Buddhism than I do. I don't know very much. I just, so I start over, so one of the places I start over, you know, is Dogen's teaching called in Japanese the Fukan Zazengi. It's his recommending meditation zazen for everyone. And he wrote this verse a couple years after he returned from China. He went on a pilgrimage to China from Japan and he came back and a couple or two or three years later he wrote the Fukan Zazengi, which the Soto School says this is what he got from China. when he came back. And it turns out that actually he rewrote it 20 years later, and that's the one that they actually give out, but they say it's the earlier one.

[27:37]

Kind of interesting. They like to say it's like what he got from China, but it's actually 20 or 25 years later. But they think it's better PR to say it's what he got from China. It's more authentic if it's what he got from China rather than something he just made up. And one of the big differences, some of you, many of you know that at one point in the Phukhan Zazengi, he says, after you've sat down and, you know, and you've crossed your legs and you lean from side to side, and then, you know, he says, settle into steady, immobile sitting. And After that, it says, now, in the version we use, it says, think not thinking. How do you do that?

[28:40]

And then it says, what is not thinking? And then the old translation always used to be non-thinking. Like, that really tells you a lot, right? And now cause is new big two-volume, you know, has changed. It's now what is not thinking beyond thinking. When you sit, you know, what's beyond your thinking, what's beyond your thinking, your strategy, your figuring out, your knowing what to do next that will be to your best advantage. So you think. I did various things that I thought were to my best advantage and ended up on the middle guardrail. Anyway, what his original version said when he got back from China?

[29:50]

It said, if you have a thought, notice it. It will vanish. If you do this long enough, your mind will be quiet. And he took that out and put in, think not thinking. So his earlier version told you what to do, and his later version, you know, basically says, let something come from beyond. You know, from beyond your strategy, from beyond your thinking, from beyond your knowing. So, you know, this, now I've come to, my conclusion about this is, you know, it's, Dogen also says, you know, let things come home to your heart.

[30:56]

Let your heart go out to things. So beyond thinking, your heart. This is my conclusion. You may have a different one. Anyway, so at the, and one of the things I come back to, you know, is the first paragraph of the Fukanza Zengi. And it's rather a remarkable paragraph, and many Dogen scholars say, if you want to know what Dogen, the pinnacle of Dogen's teaching, look at the first paragraph. And then the rest is just explaining what's included in that first paragraph. You want to get the first paragraph? Think not thinking. When you think not thinking, you'll understand it like this first paragraph.

[32:00]

So many people say this about Dogen. He doesn't say this at the end. He says this right at the top. And what he says is, the great way circulates everywhere. How could it depend on, how could it require practice or enlightenment? Is this how you understand it? Mostly, you know, we hear something like that and we think, are you kidding? My life sucks. You know, I'm not that great a person and I have a lot of problems with people and, you know, a lot of things in my life don't work and I'm unhappy and, you know, people seem to be unhappy with me and I don't know what to do about it. It's stressful, and I'm out of work, and my relationship doesn't work, and I don't see where this is the great way.

[33:01]

This couldn't be the great way. So is this the great way or not? Dogen says, this, the great way, circulates everywhere. Not just in the nice places. This is kind of, you know, this is a really unusual statement. It's not like when you understand things, you'll see that the great way. No, you're not understanding things. You're being confused. You're being lost. This is also part of the great way. Dogen says this in other places, too. Sometimes, he says, Zen gives you a key that other schools don't give you. That's a little bit self-serving, you know, like... We give you this key.

[34:09]

Other people aren't going to give you this key, but we've got the key for you. And he says, this key is, sometimes you turn the Dharma... You are really clear and understand things, and you can explain things, and that's good. And other times, the Dharma turns you. It's kind of like saying, you know, sometimes you're on top of the world, and other times you are in the mud, getting run over. You're roadkill. Have you ever been roadkill? I've been, you know, figuratively roadkill. And he says, both are equally part of the Buddha way. How could that be? And if the great way is already circulating everywhere, how could it require practice or enlightenment?

[35:12]

Well, apparently, you know, it requires... perhaps some practice or enlightenment, to see it like this, even though not seeing it like this is also part of the great way. You don't see it like this, that's part of the great way. Your not seeing is also part of the great way. Okay? So this is a little bit like, you know, I read a wonderful interview once with a Southern Baptist, kind of a radical Southern Baptist minister. It was in the Sun magazine, which has these wonderful kind of radical things from time to time. They don't usually have Southern Baptist ministers in there. They have Michael Mead and, you know, Maladomasome and, you know, whatever. And Robert Bly and all that. But in this case, he said, somebody said to him, well, could you just...

[36:15]

could you just summarize Christianity in just a few words? I mean, you know, we hear all kinds of stuff, you know, about Christianity. And, you know, what would you say? Just in a few words, okay? And he said, we're all sinners. God loves you anyway. Great way circulates everywhere. Even through your... you know, your idiocy, your stupidity, your confusion, your not understanding, your lack of clarity, the messes you're making in your life, it's all part of the great way. And Dogen says in another place, this is basic to Buddhism is to arouse this kind of trust that my life is already the great way. It's not like, if I practice enough, I will arrive at the Great Way. My difficulties themselves are the way. There's not some way where, you know, like some Buddhist freeway.

[37:20]

You get on the freeway and, oh, there's a town called Disaster. We don't need to stop there. Disillusionment? No. You know, disgrace, you know, abandonment. Whoa, betrayal. No, we're not stopping any of those places. Shame, humiliation. No, we're just cruising. We're on the Buddhist freeway now. We know how to practice and we just cruise. We used to call this the easy chair of enlightenment. No, it's like the Great Way seems to stop in all the little towns. A little bit like Groundhog Day. So we were talking about this the other day, Valerie and I, another student of mine, John, and Valerie said, yes, she read some book where the author of the book says,

[38:23]

Instead of asking, why me? You know, why me? Why is this happening to me? And usually we can't help thinking, and this is a child's idea of trust, if I'm having a painful time, I must have done something wrong. Is that true? And the first noble truth is, no, this is nothing personal. This is the nature of the world. You're a wonderful person, and things don't work the way you would love they did. And that hurts, doesn't it? That's painful, and that's part of the way. To learn how to be with things that fall apart, that don't work. And not to get lost in there. You know, have some ground.

[39:24]

Your ground is, Part of Dogen and Zen and Buddhism is finally that this isn't just about your understanding. This is behavior. To practice or to have enlightenment is behavior. So the person who said, why me? He said, what's next? Instead of asking, why me? What did I do wrong? Why is this happening to me? Why me? What's next? And to be asking, what's next, is also to be, I have my place, my ground. What is my way? How am I going to work with this? How am I going to sit with this? How am I going to live with this? What will I do? How will I live? Well, what is my response? And where does that come from?

[40:26]

Beyond. It comes from beyond. It's not something you just figure out. It's not something you... You know, our Western model is you get all the right way to behave, the way you're supposed to behave, and then you have... And you learn this... You know, we all learn this when we're pretty little, the right way to behave, the wrong way to behave. And we have kind of social consensus, largely. Not entirely. And then, you know, we see, and then when somebody does something that they're not supposed to, you can say, you're not supposed to do that. And then, uh-oh, and then, you know, don't you know that? Like you do what you know, and you take what you know and the ways you're supposed to behave, and you impose those on your body, and you tell your body, and you tell your mind what to do that's the right thing to do.

[41:30]

And that you should be able to do that successfully, right? Katagiri Rishikha, that Zen is not like training your dog. No, you don't. No, that's not Zen. Just to try to get your mind and body to behave according to your idea of right behavior. You know, life is not that simple. And then if we think that, when we believe life is about getting my body, mind to behave according to my ideas about what's right and what's wrong, then we suffer because you can't do it. The only way you can do that is to become rather depressed because you've imposed such a weight on yourself. It's really depressing. Oh, well. And so you pay a price if you try to do that. It doesn't work. So what about something, you know, what is it you want? What is it something from beyond?

[42:33]

Something comes through us. We each have our life and our freedom. You know, we have choices. And mostly, you know, we come to practice religion. wanting to know how do I behave better so that things work better, so that, you know, it's clear that I'm a wonderful person. So I want to finish by saying, you know, reminding you of a quote from the Diamond Sutra. It says, a bodhisattva arouses a thought that is unsupported by anything. Unsupported by sights, sounds. smells, taste, touchables, unsupported by the Dharma, unsupported by what is not Dharma, unsupported by anything. What would that thought be?

[43:35]

And I'm going to suggest something to you now. You know, a kind of thought that's... unsupported by anything. One of those thoughts is, the great way circulates everywhere. There's no evidence for this. This is, you know, in Christian terms, this is like, if God is good, why is the world such a mess? If the great way circulates everywhere, why is it such a mess? How could all of this mess be part of the great way? But another thought that is unsupported by any evidence, I am a beautiful, wonderful, loving spirit. And you, each of you, are a beautiful, loving spirit, full of light, full of well-being. And you have, each of us has a really good heart.

[44:41]

Is there any evidence for this? What do you have to show? What have you done that proves this? Anything? Enough? And if you're doing something to prove it, you're only as good as your last performance. So what would be the loving way to behave that proves that you are an incredible person? magnificent spiritual being. You have a good heart. You want so much to benefit people, to benefit the world, to help all beings. We want to do this. And then somehow people look at us and like, ew. Don't talk to me like that. You are so insufferable. I don't see where you're such a beautiful being. How could you say such a thing? So it's kind of a secret.

[45:46]

But this is a thought. This is a thought, you know, that's unsupported. There's no evidence that for your being an incredible spiritual being, you know, for having, you know, an incredibly beautiful, warm, good heart and trying so hard And then things just don't work, do they? Not anywhere near the way you'd like them to. People don't respond to that, you know, and you can't seem to convince them, you can't seem to convince yourself, there's no evidence. Anyway, there's other thoughts like this. So this is, you know, as you choose to, you know, from approval seeking to seeking the way You know, from outside referencing yourself to referencing yourself for this thought that's unsupported by anything.

[46:54]

And unsupported by anything, you know, as a behavior, sit down. You can be in a chair, put your feet on the floor, feel the floor, feel the chair, feel this way that you're supported. And before you say anything, And before you say anything about who you are, here you are. You are here. And Suzuki Rishi said, once you say something, that's not you. Even to say, you know, you are a good-hearted person. And he also said, you know, at one point in one of his talks, he says, you are the boss of everything. But don't think, don't go around telling people this. And you don't even want to be telling yourself. Because you might start to believe that you're the boss of everything. And that's not quite right. So, you know, but you were here before, you know, once you say something, well, I'm shy, I'm scared.

[48:10]

I'm not really that good, you know, I wish I could do more. Then once you start believing that, he said, that's not reality. That's a kind of tentative expression. But the reality is, before you say anything, you are here. And you have your seat. You have your place. No one can take your place. what will you do? As Mary Oliver says, what will you do with your one wild and precious life? Okay, thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize

[49:11]

the practice of giving, by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[49:27]

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