Good morning. This is one of my favorite times of the year, right before school starts, sorry, right before school starts, and you can feel the fall coming, but it's still summertime except at Green Gulch where it's fogged in. Last Sunday, a lot of you weren't here, it was the last day of our seven-day Sashin, and also August at Green Gulch for maybe the last 20 years or so we've had a seven-day

[01:01]

Sashin, a seven-day intensive meditation week, and I remember the first Sashin that I sat, I remembered Suzuki Roshi's words, he said, the most important sitting of the whole Sashin is the morning after the Sashin's over, the Monday morning. Now I remember that because I happened to have slept in that Monday morning, because I really deserved it, I had been really putting out a lot of energy all week, and so that kind of thinking where you put out a lot of energy for something and then can rest on your laurels is not necessarily the understanding of how to continue your practice into daily

[02:14]

life, not that you shouldn't rest, because we do need a rhythm of putting out effort and resting, but Monday morning, the morning after Sashin, that period of Dzogchen, how is it that we bring Sashin into our daily life, bring our understanding and our effort into our regular activities of work and going to school and taking care of the kids and cleaning up, so I think that's an ongoing situation that people work with all the time, how to return to your daily life or live in your daily life without separating yourself from it, separating yourself with some sort of fancy training that you learned or were doing for a week or a practice period.

[03:15]

It reminds me of a story we've been reading, the Earthsea Trilogy, it's not a trilogy, there's four books, the Earthsea, what are, what, four books, Quartet, the Earthsea Quartet, by Ursula Le Guin, we've been reading those books to my son, my ten-year-old, and in the first book, The Wizard of Earthsea, have many of you read that, those series of books, The Wizard of Ursula Le Guin, well, it's a wonderful fantasy world that she creates, but in the first book, the Wizard of Earthsea is being trained and his name, his regular everyday name is Sparrowhawk, and he's rather gifted, he's kind of, he has kind of innate power that's recognized when he's very young and he's taken under the wing of the local sorceress

[04:26]

and anyway, he ends up going to a kind of sorcery school, Sparrowhawk, and when he's finished his training, he's been there for four years, and he's done all sorts of herbal craft and patterning, there's a master patterner who talks about the patterns of the world, and there's charms and spells, and he learns all these things, how to conjure up things, and one of the most important things he knows, he learns, is the true names of things, and if you know the true name, then you have access, and his true name is Ged, G-E-D, Ged. Anyway, it's time for graduation, and he's really taken up all this knowledge and learned it very, very well, but the last thing it turns out he has to do, he's about to leave, and

[05:26]

the doorkeeper says to him, you have one last task before you can leave this school, and that is to find out my true name. Now, Ged realizes that this doorkeeper is one of the nine major sorcerers of the school, but he didn't know it, he was kind of a secret teacher, so he says, well, I'll have to wait a little bit here, and he goes and sits out on the lawn and waits and kind of probably does Zazen for a while, and he realizes that anything he might try, all of his charms, this particular mage has a stronger charm, the spells he's learned, he can't get in and find out his name because he kept being blocked, this is a very powerful sorcerer, so he thinks of all the things he could possibly do to find

[06:28]

out this guy's name, everything he's learned for all his training, and he realizes, finally he goes back to the doorkeeper and he says, well, I guess I'm going to have to stay at this school and serve you and the other sorcerers because there's no way with all my learning that I can get at your name, except if you'll answer one question for me, and the doorkeeper says, go ahead, ask it, and Ged says, what is your name? And the doorkeeper tells him, and that's it, he gets his staff and his robe and off he goes into the world. So what it comes down to is not your fancy training and all the things you pick up by doing or

[07:30]

yokey practice, you know, the eating bowls or learning how to do bowing or service or chanting or any of those things, it's completely being yourself, very straightforward with nothing in between, with no mediation, no charms or spells or anything that will help you along and get a kind of foothold, just what is your name, living in the world like that. But it's very hard to live in the world like that. I mean, he did go through four years of this school to actually be able to just ask that question baldly, and I think although we may want to be just ourselves in the world, fully expressing ourselves, there's difficulties, we have problems, there's various things come up that seem to get in the way, obstacles and hindrances, and so we do practice, take up a practice, and one

[08:39]

of the main practices that we offer here is Zazen, sitting meditation. So I wanted to offer this morning something that I've been studying, which actually I came across this and I don't know, it said a Zen master said, and it doesn't say the Zen master is female or male or Japanese or Chinese or what, it's just a Zen master said, so I offer this and I can't even give you the reference who this might be, but a Zen master said that there are five things that you need to understand to live in the world without misery, five things to understand, and I found them very helpful and I wanted to offer them this morning. So the first of the five is, what has been long neglected cannot be restored immediately.

[09:47]

Now if we understand that there are parts of our life, areas of our life, relationships in our life that have been kind of back there, you know, that we're not looking at and we're not taking care of them, and then actually often perhaps when you sit down and are quiet for a while, it will arise, it will bubble up that there are these areas that need attention that you're not taking care of. It's kind of like deferred maintenance, you know, out of Green Gulch we sometimes have deferred maintenance and then when we finally get to it, it's of course much worse than we thought. There's rotting walls and there's, you know, the floor is basically mildewed to the, you know, all the way through. And it's the same with our lives, you know, if we don't take care of things, we find it takes a long time to restore, to do restoration work. So if we understand this, then the frustration at things not changing

[10:57]

the way we want them when we want it to happen will be lightened, this kind of frustration. And this takes patience. It's also like house cleaning, you know, there's certain areas, you know, like way up on those top shelves and you get up there. In fact, the other day I was very embarrassed because we had all of the fire extinguishers at Green Gulch replaced and refurbished, you know, this happens yearly. And no, it was actually a fire alarm, smoke alarm, and it was installed and I looked where it was installed and there was just cobwebs just all over. And I thought, oh, how embarrassing, you know, I'm talking about taking care of your life and attention to detail and here's, it's just filled with cobwebs up here, which reminded me of Suzuki Roshi's teacher who said, I will not acknowledge any monastery where there is lazy training, where there is dust. I thought, oh my goodness, you know.

[12:03]

Anyway, there are these areas of our life, cobwebs, dust, rotting walls in the physical realm, you know, and then there's also our relationships with people, our own relationship with parts of ourselves or with ourself that need attention. So this cannot happen immediately. It takes careful restoration work. The second one is ills. It's similar to the first. Ills which have accumulated for a long time cannot be cleared away immediately. So in the same way as these untended areas of our life, also ills like actual physical problems, physical, mental, and emotional problems, disease, if we're not taking care of these areas of our life and then when we do notice them, they're not going to be just, you know, once we notice them then it's all going to be okay.

[13:10]

This is, it takes patience and thoroughness and preciseness. Often I think of, in terms of ills, certain habitual patterns that are detrimental to our health, addictions, eating disorders, other ways in which we stick to the familiar only because it's familiar, not that it's going to awaken us or help us or is beneficial in any way. It's just very familiar and we'd often rather stay with the familiar rather than go into the unfamiliar. So these are, I think of these as ills. The third of the five is one can't enjoy oneself forever.

[14:20]

Now you might think, well, sure, I know that, but there's often this disappointment where we're having a great old time and then something happens. I remember sitting around at a party, it was at a table, a dinner party, and one person had to leave early and it was like, darn it, they're ruining everything, it's so perfect, why do they have to go, you know? And this feeling that, gee, can't this last forever? I thought we were just going to have such a wonderful evening. That kind of thinking, longing, it's a kind of clinging, grasping, can't we just keep on having fun forever? Now when you bring it up you think, well, I don't believe that, but we often, and I often, find myself disappointed or subtly actually feeling that there's something wrong when the pleasure ends. But this is the way things actually work. There's pleasure and displeasure and pain and not pain, and this is ongoing.

[15:32]

So in order to live in the world without misery, to understand that one cannot enjoy oneself forever, is important. Recently someone was talking with me in practice discussion about, it's very interesting, they for many, many years have wanted to buy a car, this particular car that they've really hankered after. I think it was a Porsche. I actually don't know my cars very well. I think it's a really nice car. And he said, you know, I'm doing well now in my work and I can afford it. I really want to get this car. But a good friend of his said to him, I don't know if I would think if I could even be friends with you anymore if you got this car. So then this friend told him that she didn't think he would be really practicing his spiritual life if he got this car. She had connected it up

[16:35]

with his, and he was very troubled by this because he wants to continue his practice, but is actually getting this car going to stop him from practicing or can he really have this car? Anyway, it was a big, it was a problem, and he was embarrassed about it to bring it up, but that was what was on his mind. So we explored this, and I think you can, in the same way that we explored this around this particular car, you can explore this around other things, you know, other things that one hankers after or fantasizes about and wants, because all bound up in this car was, well, there was a lot of, once I get this car, you know, that's going to be it. I've really reached, you know, how can I ever be unhappy again? I think that was kind of subtly in there, which he wasn't looking at, but when we looked at it, along with having this beautiful, you know, finely

[17:40]

tuned, crafted vehicle, along with that was an enormous amount of anxiety about what if it gets stolen? I don't think I want my wife to drive it because, you know, anxiety about what if it gets scratched, and should I leave the radio in when I run into the store, take it out, and all this comes along with having this beautiful, wonderful car. So this is the way the world is. This is not, I'm not doing this to teach anybody a lesson, you know, this is what happens when we have objects of any kind that along with it comes worry and concern and fear, that, you know, along with that, you know, anxiety about what if the pleasure of how it drives and so, but if you practice with that, if you're going to practice with all the pain that arises along with it, one cannot enjoy oneself forever.

[18:44]

Along with our enjoyment comes, this is one of the sufferings, actually, is that the pleasure will end. This is one of the truths of suffering, that pleasure comes to an end. So whenever we're having pleasure, along with that is this knowledge that this can't last forever. So this is suffering that we have and that we all share. This is our human life together. But I think having material objects of various kinds is not, that does not necessarily prevent somebody from having a spiritual life. I mean, one of the great teachers, Vimalakirti, there's a sutra, the Vimalakirti Sutra, he was a layman, enlightened layman who spoke and taught about non-duality basically and emptiness. And he was very wealthy and had, you know, lots of lands and estates and so forth. The renouncing of material goods or renouncing has to do

[19:50]

with understanding that these things are impermanent, that these things will go away. And once you have that in mind, that these, the things of the world will go away, will change, then you can drive whatever car you want to, you know, and take care of your life with this in mind. Then you don't fool yourself that now I'll be happy forever. So one cannot enjoy oneself forever. The fourth one is human emotions cannot be just right. Now I had to ponder this one for a while, kind of what actually it was getting at and how I feel about this is one of our greatest sufferings or misery is wanting our relationships

[20:52]

to be, you know, a certain way. I recently had a visit from a relative and I have been also spending a lot of time with my parents and sisters because both of my parents are unwell. And, you know, when you're taking care of your elderly parents, you find that with your siblings, anything that's kind of been left, this is similar to the first one that's been neglected for a long time, will be right there, you know. So you're trying to do this work together as sisters and yet there's, it's not quite smooth, you know, there's things you have to work out between you. You want it to be smooth because you're taking care of your parents, but you have to work on your relationship. So human emotions cannot be just right. We have some wish that it'll be just the love that you feel will

[21:54]

be reciprocated just right, just perfectly. Or that, you know, what this reminds me of is how one may feel about their son-in-law or their daughter-in-law, you know, it's like they're part of the family, but not really. And it always feels a little odd to have them there kind of even after 20 years, but they call you mom or you want them to call you mom, but it doesn't really feel quite right. All that, human emotions cannot be just right. It's like always calibrating, always trying to kind of work it out between you and it never will be just right. I think to bear that in mind, then it's more a matter of let's practice hard in this kind of slightly off situation, slightly or greatly off, you know, depending. So those of you who are son-in-laws and daughter-in-laws or who have them know exactly what I'm talking

[23:01]

about, I'm sure. But with any kind of, whether it's a relative or somebody you're working with, you know, where they're irritating you, they kind of bother you, and the word emotion comes from the Latin, which means to push out and to move out and stir about. So it's, you know, emotion is kind of excitement and it's the strong subjective feelings that are not necessarily consciously brought about. These are kind of unbidden, you know, passions and love and hate and reverence and gratitude and these kinds of things, they come unbidden. You can't kind of create this through your intellect that you're now going to feel reverence, you know, it arises. And so you can't make it right. It's going to come, it's going through

[24:07]

the causes and conditions of your life, and it's nobody's fault. There's no place to point and blame why it's not working out just quite right. It's stirred, you know. The fifth one is calamity cannot be avoided by trying to run away from it. Calamity is an interesting word. It comes from a word that means to injure or damage and also to cut. It's related to cut off. Recently this visitor who came had a motorcycle, he drives a motorcycle, and the name of the motorcycle is Calamity Jane. And Calamity Jane, I don't know very much about her. She was a frontierswoman from like the middle 1800s to about 1903.

[25:11]

Her name was Mary Jane Canary Burke. I think Burke was her married name. And I don't know very much about her why she was called Calamity Jane. Anyway, this motorcycle is named Calamity Jane. Now for some people I think one might think that just to drive a motorcycle in and of itself, you're asking for it, you know. You're asking for calamity. And I think we know, probably every one of us knows, of some terrible motorcycle accident. Talking with this person who drives the motorcycle, he was saying that often the people who are in the accidents, he's talked with a lot of motorcycle drivers, and they say, well, I was going down the road about 85, you know, or it was really wet and I was taking this turn at 90 or something. And then I, so his feeling is that if you drive the motorcycle carefully within the speed limit, on the right pavement, right conditions, it can be not necessarily calamity.

[26:19]

And I think in terms of this fifth admonition of how to live in the world without misery, calamity cannot be avoided by running away from it. And at the same time, we don't try to court calamity or create conditions where calamity is sure to happen. And this is not strategy. This is not kind of how to strategize your life. I think running away from calamity is a kind of strategy where calamity may be meeting a particular person that you really don't want to meet, and you actually walk across the street to avoid them, hoping they didn't see you out of the corner of their eye, or coming into a room or at a party and seeing them and going over to the chips over on, way over on the other side. This is kind of running away from a possible calamity. And what happens if you do that, especially

[27:21]

like at a party, is you have to track that person the whole evening, you know. Uh-oh, they're going over here, I better make a beeline for them, they're going over here. So the whole entire evening you're avoiding calamity and not enjoying the party. This is a kind of strategy for life that will narrow your experience and narrow your ability to respond to whatever arises for you because you're constantly keeping yourself safe. Now that's a kind of mini example, I mean a kind of not so important maybe you might say example, but that kind of thinking permeates, can permeate your life and, you know, to such a degree that people, some people actually won't go out anymore, hardly, or outside of their home. But living in the world carefully is not strategy, like riding a motorcycle with care, good helmet,

[28:35]

the best conditions, but that is no guarantee that someone won't run a red light, you know. This is not a guarantee, but it's not strategy either. It's the same as picking up a hot teacup with the handle rather than, or taking a knife up with the handle and chopping it and not putting a knife in the sink with soapy water so that when you go in to wash dishes you grab it. This is not strategy, this is just taking care of suchness, the way you pick up a knife so you don't get cut. So I just want to make a clear distinction between strategizing your life and living your life in accordance with the way things are. So one of the main calamities that we can never avoid is, we often think of it as calamity,

[29:36]

is our own death, or death. And this, we can't run away from it, although in many ways we sometimes try to avoid runaway by avoiding thinking about it, meditating on it, associating ourselves with it, we just don't want to talk about it. It's kind of being in denial. But this calamity, or this is everyone's fate, that everyone, bar none, will die. And in Buddhism there's many meditations that, or I should say objects of meditation, that can be offered according to each person's circumstances or psychological type. And the meditation

[30:39]

on death is suitable for everyone. This is a meditation that's beneficial for everyone. And I just wanted to talk a little bit about what that meditation is. There's three parts to the meditation on death. The first part is basically, death is definite. There's, to each one of us, death will come, and we cannot escape this fact. And to bear this in mind each day is, brings us, now it's not that we have to be afraid of death, it's it may seem, you may say to yourself, well that's kind of morbid, or a downer or bummer or something like that, but actually it has the opposite effect, because if you, one of the meditations is to repeat or say to yourself, death, death, death will come, the life force

[31:44]

will be cut off. Now if you bear in mind that death, death, death will come, the life force will be cut off, when you meet someone, if this is something that you've recently brought up that day, maybe, you may be with that person in a different way. What if this is the last time you'll ever see this person? So it actually is not morbid and sort of gruesome. It actually allows you to be more fully awake to the truth of the impermanence of our life, and when we bring impermanence, the remembering impermanence, we relate to people different, we relate to our circumstances very differently. So the first part is that death is definite. The

[32:48]

second part is, although death is definite, when it will come is indefinite. We never know, we never know when, where, how, who's going to be with us, and this is something we never know. So with this in mind, how does one live if one bears in mind that, you know, this is your last time you're going to hear a Dharma talk or see someone, because someone during the Seshin was telling me about being in an almost airplane crash, and during the three minutes of where she actually thought this was it, she realized that the man next to her, she hadn't talked with him or said anything on this flight, and actually had purposefully

[33:48]

not wanted to and kind of walled herself off, and she realized she was going to die next to somebody she didn't even know, didn't know anything about him, and she had this enormous kind of love for this person and their situation. So this really is our situation always, whether we're about to be in an airplane crash or not, this is the truth of our situation that we never know. So if we can bear this in mind, this will affect all of our activity, actually. And the third part is, at the end, when we do die, there is nothing that will help us nothing, no friends or family, although friends and family can be beneficial and create a wonderful place for you to die, but at the end, they will not be of help, nor will your

[34:57]

reputation, your wealth, all the things you've accumulated, the beautiful car in the garage, none of it will be of help. The only thing that will be of help is your mental state, your state of mind. So this is also, to bear this in mind, to me, it helps me to just reorient what is important, what do I find is really important, where do I want to put my energy to, what is worthy of my full attention. So death is definite, the time, the place and how is indefinite, and nothing will help at the end except our state of mind. Yesterday, I was at a soccer tournament up in Santa Rosa, my son is on a select soccer

[36:06]

team and they were playing in a soccer tournament, and I got a call, someone who came to the soccer tournament had been notified with a message for me that there was somebody dying in a hospital in Santa Rosa, and this person was lay ordained by someone who was a priest at Zen Center and now has their own sitting group in North Carolina, and her student was in Santa Rosa dying and she asked if, she actually didn't know I had a soccer tournament up in Santa Rosa, she actually asked if Zen Center Greenbelch could help and go visit, and we were planning on doing this, going to visit Monday, but I guess he began, he went into a coma and he was, as she said, actively dying, so I got this message up in

[37:07]

Santa Rosa at the game asking if I could go visit. So there I was in my kind of soccer parent outfit, jeans and kind of mud spattered shoes, but I went over to the hospital and I remember thinking, well I don't know how the family is going to feel, they know a priest is coming but they may have something in mind. So I realized there was no mediation, there was nothing in between. I didn't bring my little drum, which is really cute, bells or incense, I didn't have robes, I didn't have my, just a raksu, the little bib thing, Buddhist robe that's little, I didn't have any of that, I didn't have a chant book, I didn't have anything, I just arrived like that. And I remember I was thinking about Ged, saying

[38:08]

to the doorman, what's your name? And so I thought that's, when it comes down to it, that's all I've got anyway is, this is all I've got. We may bring our chant books and our bells and whistles, but that's not going to help somebody really, you just have to be present completely and do the best you can. So without any mediation, I went and sat with this person and called him by his name, his Buddhist name, which was, Endless Practice, Great Release, Ei Shu Dai Ho, and whether he could hear me or not, who's to say, and whether I made mistakes in the chanting, I don't know if it mattered that much, I just

[39:12]

chanted and recited the refuges and spent time with him. And I feel like this is really all we've got, each one of us, when we're asked to, when the world asks us for something, all we've got is our body-mind and our sincerity, and to be ready for that is our task, really. So the last, this task, to me, is the, what it reminds me of is the description of the

[40:13]

mind of a Buddha, and one may think, well, I can't meet the task, I'm just a little me, with all my fears and all my problems, and how can I meet people thoroughly and truly? And the mind of a Buddha is this lofty, faraway thing that's beyond me or outside of me, but this description of the mind of the Buddha was given to us in a series of lectures last spring when we had the Tokubetsu Sashin, we had all these visiting teachers from Japan and Europe and America, and Narazaki Tsugen Roshi, who's this little teensy four-foot-eight Zen Master, gave a series of lectures, and in one of these lectures he described, he called it the description of the mind of Buddha, and so I wanted to offer that in closing.

[41:16]

In Japanese the word is Ji-hi-ki-sha-mu-ru-yo-shin, Ji-hi-ki-sha-mu-ru-yo-shin, and what that means is the Ji means love, and it's the love that you have for the Buddha, and it's the love for a child, the love that you have maybe for your only child or for a child that, or your niece or your nephew, or when seeing a baby, that kind of love that arises in you is that kind of love, Ji. He is concern or worry or concern, which is similarly about a child, the concern you have or compassion you have for a child when you want to help them or you see that they're about to fall down or fall into the pool or that kind of thing that spontaneously arises, whether it's your child or not, that concern that arises

[42:19]

is Ji, Ji-hi. Ki is joy, and it's also with the child, the joy you have upon seeing a happy child or a child that's having fun. You know what that's like when you see some little kid just laughing about something or a little baby toddler just having the time of their life. That's Ki, joy, which you've experienced, you know what that's like, to feel that joy. Sha is giving, and it's the kind of giving that is, you know, it's the kind of giving that's, where you want to just give everything, you just want to give it all away, this feeling of just not wanting to hold on to anything for yourself, just to give. Mu is know, Ryo

[43:23]

is measure, so Mu-Ryo is without measure or limitless, and Shin is heart-mind. So the description of the mind of the Buddha is something like, you know, loving, concerned, joyful, giving without measure, heart-mind. So I don't feel that this is something that's way beyond and off in some, as I said, lofty kind of realm. This is something that is our birthright, okay. Thank you very much. Questions are directed towards me or the comments. Other times, you can talk to each other and

[44:38]

just discuss. So go ahead. Did everyone hear the question? Well, I'm glad you brought it up, because as I was talking, as I was kind of creating

[45:41]

the talk, I thought, well, I hope people don't get the, you know, some people, their job is strategy, like campaign people, and, you know, that's what they do. And you have to do strategy in order to get something done or to make investments or, I don't know. So I think, I think you're right, there is overlap. And I think where it gets to be a problem, I brought this up during Sashin, I think you're right, there is overlap. And I think where it gets to be a problem, I brought this up during Sashin, where it comes home where very thoroughly when you're trying to follow the schedule of lots of meditation all day, and there's physical pain and mental and emotional pain, and there are problems that you create for yourself if you try to strategize your way out. There's no way to kind of get through it by strategy. Nothing will work. You know, that's what you find

[46:41]

out. There's nothing that'll work. You have to just throw yourself in with full effort. And even, and that's not even a strategy. I mean, you have to just get down to as close to the bone as you can, I guess. So, so I don't want to give strategy a bad name particularly, but I think, like I gave this example in the Sashin, I'll just say it again, there was somebody who was a roommate of mine, and for my first Sashin, we were both having a lot of difficulties, and during the break, she would fix her hair in different styles, ponytails, braided, up, down, and I remember thinking to myself, this is not going to help. But I knew what she was trying to do because sometimes it does help, you know, to, you know, cut

[47:41]

your hair, change your clothes, go shopping is very refreshing and renewing. I mean, shopping is a renewal activity, can be, unless it's sort of obsessive or something. So I'm not giving shopping a bad name or changing your hair or shaving your beard or anything, but if there's some use of it that's going to buffer you and kind of, you know, then it's just more problems because it won't work, and then you've got the disappointment of the fact that it didn't work, and now what, and, you know. So there's, you know, attention to detail, careful planning, full effort, there's looking at a situation and making a decision that's not trying to buffer you from reality, that is your expression of reality. So, so in that way, if your job is to get your candidate to win, you know, you can

[48:43]

apply all those things to it as well. I think it has to do with, when I use strategy, it's like avoiding something, using it to avoid, or having designs on something. In the Fukan Zazengi, it says, for the, this is instructions, universal instructions for Zazen, it says, have no designs upon becoming a Buddha. You know, so you're sitting there thinking, well, okay, all right, let's do it, let's become a Buddha, I'm going to do such and such, and I'll be, it's like if you have that kind of thinking, you will separate yourself. Okay? Okay, I'm going to turn my head this way, yeah. It seems to me when you were talking about strategizing, it was from talking about calamity, it came from that part. And you talked about calamity can't be avoided by trying to run away from it, just being with it and to be with the way things are. But what about people

[49:44]

that try to avoid calamity by immersing themselves in it, the people that awfulize things? That do what? They immerse themselves in the calamity, they awfulize things, or I think catastrophize things. Catastrophize, awfulize, that's a new word for me. And that's just kind of the opposite, in a way, but it's also a way of trying to not make it so bad, it seems to me, that, you know, if you think about all the awful things that can happen, and if they could happen, they're not so bad, is what you think about. But that's a way of avoiding, too. Yes, it is. How do you get thoughts about that? Well, I remember, I had a strategy when I was little, and it was dread everything. Because I found that if I did, I would not be as disappointed. So I would, there'd be like, we'd be going on a family trip or a birthday party, whatever it was, I would just dread it, as a kind of policy. And then, so I think that's kind of what you say, but that's just another kind

[50:45]

of buffer, really, that will keep you from the disappointment of the expectation that's going to be great. How about not knowing? You know, there's this koan where it says, not knowing is nearest, or not knowing is most intimate. Not knowing, what is the mind of not knowing, and being completely present for what arises, you know? Not knowing is most intimate. So if you're going to dread it as strategy, or think it's going to be really fantastic, kind of, both of those are, there's problems there, you know. Our mind does that. I mean, our tendency is to either do one or the other. But what is the mind of not knowing? And just, it's like beginner's mind, where you, you don't know. Do you know? No. I mean, we don't. So, that mind is kind of like newborn baby mind or something, you

[51:50]

know, it's, yes. We can start right now. It sounded like you were talking to me this morning during your talk. I have that feeling often. And in the last two, three weeks, I've become very involved in a new software program for my computer, and regarding investments. And I've been, like, looking at this day and night. And I have a tendency of getting very intense about things sometimes. In fact, this morning, I almost didn't come. I walked inside my office, and I looked at the computer, and I almost sat down. I said, no. I'm going to green culture. I'm going to break myself

[52:50]

away. And I noticed in the process that my desire to sit and meditate subsided. I was just not going to look at that and learn about the software and apply it and see how it works. And I'm just fascinated by it. And that's who I am. And it was just going with it. So, I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I just thought I would mention it. Well, as with all new toys, you know, at a certain point, it'll lose its hold. Yeah, I know it's not going to do it for me. Right. But maybe part of me still thinks that. Well, maybe so. I mean, to be that caught, seized by it, kind of. This is going to do it. This is what I've been waiting for.

[53:53]

Yes. You know, the thing about. That's so funny. It is funny. I'm glad you can laugh at it. I remember as a kid, this is that thing about not dreading anything. There was also, I remember I'd get a new toy. I had this toy. It's a Mexican toy, or maybe it's a folk toy. And it's got a little cup on a stick and a string with a little ball. And you, and then it goes, and it gets, and I thought it was so fascinating. I was going to learn how to do this. And I tried at all the different angles and what, until finally I could do it like every time. And I showed everybody. And I thought, that's it. I have, I will never be bored again. I've made it, you know. And then after a while, it was like, oh, that old thing. And that's how it is over and [...] over again.

[54:54]

Well, that's been my experience. Yeah. It never lasts. It doesn't last, no. It doesn't last. But we do get seized by certain things. And I'm glad that you pulled yourself away to come to Bingo. Your intention is to come on Sunday morning to the Dharma talk, you know. But it's a fight, it sounds like. It's a fight. It's for my computer. Well, it's balance, you know. It doesn't mean you can't have your software, you know. But you want other things in your life, too. So, you know. Yes. When you said, I know it's just intimate, and about strategizing, what is that, how does that apply to, like, goals and career goals and planning? Yeah. Well, let's see.

[55:57]

Often we talk about, you know, living in the moment and that kind of thing. And then it seems like the natural concomitant of that is that you can't plan for the future or something. You've got to just sort of, you know, hope for the best and, you know. But part of taking care of your situation is, you know, applying to schools, figuring out your classes. And you do that with full awareness, with all your attention, making sincere effort to understand yourself and what's best for you and who's the best, you know. So that's, that's all happens in the present, you know. It's not, that's an activity that goes on, not in the future, you know. But it looks like, so anyway, I think the mistake that can be made is that if it's a future goal, supposedly, we can't, there's some admonition not to get involved in that. But it's actually taking care of your life now that you're doing. So I don't think there really is a problem with that.

[57:03]

The problem with future often is that there's kind of a fantasy life around the future and what may happen in this. And if I do that, then that will happen. And a lot of fear can be generated and avoidance. And that is more problematical. And we're talking about problematical things. But taking care of, you know, your career choices and your school choices and where you want to live and happens here. And it's not necessarily your mind kind of going off, drifting off, you know. Okay. Yes. I have a feeling that intention, one of my favorite things, fits in here someplace, but I'm not quite sure where, or doesn't fit in here. Intention. In the five that you were.

[58:05]

Yeah. Well, I always, I think of intention as kind of this, almost like ground, you know. I mean, even to put yourself in a situation where you can hear those five things, you know, you need some kind of intention. So if these five things of how to live in the world, to understand these five things, you live in the world without misery, to take those up, I mean, seriously and ponder them, reflect on them, you need some intention to take up your life, you know. So I feel like it's there underneath, just like you said. Intention, purpose, you kind of can't separate those, I think. Intention and purpose? Yeah. Or at least they seem to be related, always. You mean like purpose in life? Purpose in life? Well, purpose. I have an intention to do something, that something is a purpose for me.

[59:06]

Uh-huh. Yeah, it sounds like those are synonymous in this case. Does that contradict or? No, I don't, it doesn't sound like it contradicts. I think to use those five things as another strategy, you know, I mean, you can take anything and kind of twist it, give it a kind of, you know, use it as, like taking something like the one about pleasure, one cannot enjoy oneself forever, and you can take that and twist it in such a way that it's like you're depressed all the time, you know. So, I mean, you can take any of these things and give it your own little distortion. So, anyway, so if your intention is to kind of study, it's more like

[60:09]

these are things to study. Yes. I still have trouble with the question of being here now for the future. Yes. And I have heard that the way things happen is that you start with a fantasy, the fantasy turns into a dream, the dream turns into a plan, and the plan turns into reality. And following that criteria, I sort of like to entertain fantasies. I don't know, is that bad to do? Am I getting lost in fantasies, or am I entertaining fantasies, am I not being here? Well, I think there's a place for fantasy, you know. I think what you described about the fantasy turns into the dream, and then the dream turns into a plan, and then it gets

[61:14]

enacted. From my understanding, it doesn't quite go like that. It's like there's a fantasy and a dream, and then a goal, and then there's all these pitfalls all along the way, and changes, and shifts, and rearrangements, and a little different fantasy, and it's like that more. And, you know, the plans, best laid plans, they fall through, but then it doesn't really work. It's more maze-like, almost, you know. So, if you think, if you have some strong-held belief that the fantasy and the plan and all of it's got to go as there's going to be problems, because you cannot control any of it, right? And the conditions shift, and your partner has a heart attack, and, I mean, it just, you never know, right? So, you can't hold to it, iron grip. It's, you have a fantasy, and it's alive for you, and you want to live it, and in the present, everything is shifting and swirling, and you

[62:25]

have to respond to what is, you know, and maybe drop the whole one. You've got to, you know, throw it overboard and pick up another one. So, like that. I think if we get too tightly bound to, like, the original one, then it's, and it's not coming through, then it's problematic. That's all. Right, yes. No, I was thinking, you know, taking into consideration that there will be, you know, you have the flexibility to sort of follow it, but the question of intervening fantasies, seriously, that seems to me that it goes a little bit against reality in here now. Well, I don't feel like there's anything, the way the human mind, the human mind does fantasize, right, and it's, are you acting out your fantasies? Are you making, are you,

[63:26]

let's see, getting mixed up about what's fantasy and what's actuality? I mean, this is one of the things that's up nowadays in terms of these, no, I don't mean to shed, I'm not implicating you in any way, but in these sexual harassment things, you know, there's a fantasy that happens, and then there's acting out, and then the person says, you know, it has nothing to do with me, but there's a real, there are, I've had occasion to come in contact with the place where the fantasy and the reality is not so clear anymore. So if you fantasize, if you want to do fantasizing, then do it thoroughly and wonderfully, and I mean, what do artists do, you know? All of us are artists in that way, so, but know that it's fantasizing, you know, thoroughly, don't kid yourself. Yes?

[64:31]

Well, this issue of calamity is pretty interesting to me. If a child is raised in the midst of calamity and develops strategies for dealing with that, to get through it, and becomes an adult and needs to see other than calamity, how does it start? Yes. Well, I think for children raised in calamitous situations, the word calamity has to do with injury, damage, all those kinds of things. They do develop strategies and defense mechanisms. You have to, they have to for survival, and we don't expect children to, we can't expect them to, you know, face that without these kinds of helps that they, their wonderful bodies and minds create, help them create all sorts of safe havens

[65:37]

internally and also externally sometimes too. And then when they become adults, when it's not necessary to have those defenses anymore, then they're in place and it's very hard to dismantle. It's just the way the world is. It almost feels like there is no other how else are you in the world except these ways that have been learned very early, you know? So many people come to meditation to start practicing and it may be years while this kind of slow dismantling, that's this thing about what has been neglected, you know, for a long time cannot be restored immediately. Neglected meaning parts of yourself you couldn't allow to feel because you would destroy yourself if you really allowed to feel the pain of your childhood. So you, it slowly, slowly takes time, long time, years, you know? Somebody just recently wrote me from Tassajara saying

[66:44]

she realized there was this lake of anger. She described it as a lake of emotion and anger that she was kind of keeping under wraps. But it would come out in her irritation with people and annoyance and bad mouth thing and she always wondered why that came up so fast, you know? She didn't, and now she's finally, this is now she's been practicing, I think this is like going into her third year, and she said just now she's getting the sense of this lake of anger and from her past, you know, her stream of psychophysical reality, you know? And she said, I guess I'm just a slow poke, you know, that it's taken her so long. And I thought, what do you mean slow poke? It's just been three years. And in fact, I wrote in a thing about what has been neglected for a long, because it takes a long time. And it's for a child, you know, for somebody sitting in meditation, there's,

[67:49]

where there's been no trust in their life, let's say, and yet they want to surrender or find some trust in the practice and zazen and in their body, and it's very hard, you know, they have to deal with a lot of issues before they can really sit sometimes. So sometimes people do a lot of psychotherapy before they're ready to sit, zazen, and some other people, both of these work, sit a lot, and then they're ready to do psychotherapy, you know, and work on the issues a little different way. But sitting and psychotherapy go very nicely together. Yes? That was a thought I was just having. It's the kind of strategizing that we're talking about. For me, when I had realizations of seeing myself doing that, it was always strategy that came from fear. That kind of...

[68:50]

Yeah. Yeah, well, we usually are strategizing to avoid pain and fear, both those, fear of what will happen. Fear happens when you're thinking about the future. That's one of the things about fear, is that it's future, it projects into the future of what might happen, and then fear. If you're able to stay with what is happening now, often you can have a very fearful thought, and nothing is happening right now, you're sitting quietly at home or something, but the fear can arise. So, often strategy is to avoid feeling pain, mostly pain, and fear too, to keep it at bay, just keep it over there. Yes? Enjoyment is impermanent. Is human suffering impermanent? Well, the Buddha said, this is one of the first things I heard about Buddhism, which

[69:58]

caught my attention. The Buddha said, life is suffering, but he said it with a smile. And I remember thinking, hmm, what about that, you know, there's something there. So, suffering, there are certain, our human condition, there are certain sufferings that we cannot get out of, like our own death, old age, sickness and death, are the three kind of... Now, everybody doesn't have all three, because you can die young, or you can die in an accident and not be sick, but everybody has death. So, old age, sickness and death, and along with that comes lamentation and pain and grief, and those kinds of things you cannot get out of. But, there are other kinds of sufferings, like, for example, some of these problematic things, like trying, the suffering of trying to get out of a situation that is inevitable,

[71:01]

is the mental suffering and the emotional suffering involved in that is excruciating. Far worse, you know, than getting a shot, or, I mean, for a kid, this is another, this is one of my strategies. I hated getting shots. It was like the thought, we used to get them in school, do you remember? And everybody would line up, kids would be fainting, and it was like, we had to get it. It was closer and closer, it was going to be your turn. I hated it so much, the thinking ahead, you know, the fear, it's going to be me next, and the line is getting shorter. I would just, so I made up this thing that was going to, I also once took a needle with me, hidden, my mother didn't know, to stick the doctor back. Anyway, I realized I can't go through life like this, hating shots like this, I can't bear it, it was horrible. So I decided that I would just completely relax, this

[72:05]

is pre-Buddhist, I was just going to completely relax my arm and just let him, it was a hymn, let him just do whatever, and I would just breathe, but I didn't know I was, I would relax, and part of that was just breathe, and just, you know, somebody else's arm, just let him, anyway. And then when the shot went in, it was like, it was hardly anything, mosquito bite, but you know, that's what I've taught my kids, to just totally relax, and it's just fine. But that mental suffering is not necessary, that's extra. Yes, it does hurt when the shot goes in, and when you have to have certain physical procedures, or if you're sitting Zazen and you have pain in your back, and those kinds of physical things are kind of clean, old pain and suffering, and you can't, they come with human birth, but that other kind, that kind of overlay of anxiety and fear and trying to get out of it, backpedaling as fast as you can, all that is not necessary, it's extra. So, and

[73:12]

also, this thing about living in the world without misery, these, the understanding of these five things, when you come into the suffering of your life, there is another way to relate to it, even though it's not going to go away, it shifts, you know, it's just more study material, you just learn more from it, it teaches, it just teaches, it's the best teacher. Thank you very much for talking to me, I really enjoyed much of this day, the image of you sitting in your mother priest soccer, drag, chanting or trying to be present is really a very lovely one. And a couple of things that just came up in my mind, one thing I heard somebody say in this room some time ago about, somebody asked some great teacher why, what can Buddhism do if it can't help me with all the problems in the world, and

[74:18]

he said, you know, it helps with the, there was a number involved in the story about the 29th problem or whatever, there's 28 problems in the world, well the 29th problem, what probably the problem that life is a problem or something like that, it can help with that, it's like you can't do anything about death and taxes and etcetera, etcetera, but this obsessing that we all seem to share, you know, that's what this is for, I think this practice. Yeah, I mean I think your whole orientation which is, to orient is to, isn't it like to turn around, your whole orientation can change, and I mean this may seem odd, but it's not that you go after, oh great suffering is a great teacher, let's see now where can I get some of that, you know, maybe I'll go over and spend time with them, I really feel horrible when I'm with them, it's, you will get enough suffering, it will all come, you know, you don't have to go after it, it will come your way in all its forms, so you just have to

[75:18]

live your life and these, you know, Suzuki Roshi, I'm quoting Suzuki Roshi a lot today, but in this 7th day of Sashin lecture that I read recently, it's not in Zen Mind Beginner's Mind, it's a non-published one, he said the Buddha only gives you the problems that you need, you know, it sounds kind of Christian, doesn't it, where you, God gives you, you know, what you're ready for or something like that, but there was Suzuki Roshi saying that the Buddha gives you exactly what you need and doesn't give you more, so you don't have to look for trouble, don't look for trouble. Can I ask you one quick question, follow up on what you were saying, you said, we're talking about the Gihiki Sha Muriyoshi? Gihiki Sha, J-I-G-H-I-K-I-G-H-I-K-I G-I-G-H-I-K-I-G-H-I-K-I-G-H-I-K-I-G-H-I-K-I-G-H-I-K-I-S-H-A

[76:19]

G-I-G-H-I-K-I-S-H-A Muriyoshi. And who is it that said that? This is, was a quote from Narazaki Tsugen Roshi, Narazaki Tsugen is T-S-U-G-E-N, Tsugen, again. And he is, I actually don't know the abbot of some monastery in Japan, and was training these, during this Tokubetsu Sashin there were all these abbots of different Western practice places that have not been, I don't know if I want to get into this exactly, but in Japan they don't recognize necessarily the Western teachers, and they worked out some way by which they could recognize them, by having a series of these Sashins where they received teachings and trainings. And so he came to do some of these, yeah. Yes. I have, and I have difficulties about justice, which started when I was a little girl. And

[77:26]

the description of Buddha, that if you have a love and compassion and concern for a child, if that example happens, and somebody is literally pushing the child away, how could you keep the compassion for the child and for the person who's beating or hitting? This is very difficult for me. I'm getting tangled in that constantly in my life, that's one of the things I need to, because it's coming to me over and over again. So you're in a situation where you see children being mistreated, and also for yourself personally. Children, me, others, just being cut in that. Yes. Discrimination. Yeah. Well, this is a very difficult situation,

[78:32]

and what to do, it's not necessarily, there's no formula of what to do. You know, I have somebody I know who at her 50th birthday vowed she would not tolerate seeing child abuse or corporal punishment. If she saw it, she would do something about it. She didn't care how much trouble she got in. In public places, she was just going to do it. And she has some very interesting stories, but the courage it takes to get with strangers, to get involved and to put yourself out, and that was her vow, and she's continuing with that. It's very inspiring. What to do that will really be a help to the child and to the person, you know, in the grips of, you know, well, ignorance, for starters. In order to do some things that

[79:34]

we hear about and see and read about, the person perpetrating the event is, you know, in very bad condition themselves, right? So you have a very serious kind of situation, and what to do without generating more anger, more suffering, you know, without you adding more, is, there's nothing that I can say, first do this and second do this. So with each situation, I think the main, one of the main things is if you bring more anger to it and hate, it will not necessarily help. So you have to work, I mean, people found this out during the, well, one person in particular during the 60s when she was demonstrating

[80:37]

against, in Berkeley, and she had this policeman with a gun in front of her, and she was yelling at him, and she hated him, and it was during the Vietnam War. And then, and she realized that he was just afraid of her as she was of him, and it was like, the person on the so-called other side is also suffering, you know. So what to do is, anyway, I think people who work with, you know, sexual offenders and child abuse cases and all these, they, it's very, very difficult work, extremely difficult, and often, and environmental work, and anything, if you set it up that there's, that they, the perpetrator or the person doing the abuse is worthy of your hate, and not necessarily that you can't be angry about an unjust situation,

[81:40]

but they have to be included in the mix. And if they're not, if you're separated, if you totally separate from them in the interest of the child, you will, well, you do damage to yourself eventually, and there's burnout, and you can't take it anymore, because it's, anyway, so somehow to include them in it. I don't know if that speaks to what you're saying. I might be able to help with that. Good. I was a protective service worker for more years than I'd like to remember, many years ago, and I didn't burn out. I was able to take care of myself. One of the things that I learned, well, there are a couple things I learned. One is that I always found something to like, because I didn't like perpetrators, because I just didn't. It's historical for

[82:40]

me. And I, but I would find something to like, either the way someone laughed, that they had a sense of humor, or that they wore interesting colors when they dressed, even, some superficial things, but something that I could respect about them, and I found that was really, really important, and in that same way. The other thing that saved me was to realize that any bully is not feeling strong, really. They're feeling very vulnerable, and when I, when I could learn to recognize, both in my work and the people in my life, that we're bullies, we're really coming from a very poignant and very vulnerable place, and that helped me a lot. And it helped me to get my strength up professionally and personally when I needed to, in my life. And I hope that's all I have to say. There were things that took me a long time to do. Thank you. Yes?

[83:46]

I've been observing my thoughts lately, and well, particular thoughts. Talking about calamity, I'll notice a thought and I'll go, that's what I thought of when you talked about calamity, a calamitous thought. But then you talked about not avoiding it, and I thought, I guess I was judging the thought, because it wasn't a whatever thought I wanted it to be, it was a calamitous thought that didn't seem to serve me in a way that I felt was for my best interest. So then I was wondering, avoiding, they're my thoughts, how can I not avoid a calamitous thought if I'm placing this judgment on it? I don't know if that makes sense. Let me see if I understood. So while you were listening, a calamitous thought arose. No, not listening to you, I'm just... Or just in your life, in general. So a calamitous thought arose, meaning some thought about

[84:50]

something terrible that might happen or could happen or did happen or... Just, yeah, I thought about a situation and how a certain situation went or how I would react in a certain situation. Okay, and then, so that arose, but you didn't like it because it was an unpleasant thought, and so you judged it as unpleasant and tried to avoid it. In fact, I thought it was calamitous for me as a, for the kind of person I'd like to be, and I thought, yeah, I'm happy, but then you said not to avoid calamity. By running away. Okay. Not by running away. Yes. Then what do I do with those thoughts? Because I don't like when I notice that thought, I go, ugh, and then I go, don't think that way. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. Well, don't think that way is kind of like running away, you know? It's the same, I mean, it's like crossing that, to go to the other side of the street

[85:54]

to avoid whoever that is coming down the street. So you can just name it, you know? Well, there's a calamitous thought for you. You know, you just, you see it as it is, and it will go away by itself. I mean, unless you're seized, you know, like Martin. But you can get seized, you know, you can obsess, and you turn it, and it's on, and you can't let go of it. I mean, that can happen too, where you, I was talking in Satsang about being pre-occupied, where you are, occupied means to be seized, to like seize a country, and to be pre-occupied means before you do anything, you're already, like something's got a hold in your mind. You know, often, well, it can be there is something very serious going on, an illness in the family or something like that, and you can be preoccupied.

[86:55]

But with something like this, it arises, you note it, and it will change, you know? And if it's something that needs attention, then you don't want to turn away from it. There maybe needs action or some kind of care taken there or something, you know? So the avoiding it is either you shouldn't be thinking like that, that's terrible, or, you know, all the kind of internal stuff that we do about who we are or what kind of thought we have, but to study it as, you know, here's this kind of scary thought or calamitous thought that's coming up, what's that all about, you know? Without, no, no, don't think that way. Yes? Yes.

[87:55]

This is about serious abuse, but another way of dealing with perpetrators. I was protesting in a nuclear plant, and people were fighting by in front of these long lines of National Guard with their band-aids on, and all kinds of people, including young people with strollers and babies and grandparents and everything in between. But one child went up to one of the soldiers and gave him a flower, and he put it in his helmet. It turned out that on the cross points where there were guards trying to keep people out of the nuclear plant at night, the policemen were serving coffee to the protesters. So none of this got on paper, of course. It was all these hotheads down there protesting.

[89:00]

They didn't even describe who was there, or also the general mess of the soldiers. But another example, there was a young boy who was close to 13 years old, was involved in a bullying situation where the police picked him up. And I asked him if he thought what he was doing was wrong, because I knew he was a very pure boy as a child. And he said yes, but he said, what difference does it make in such a terrible world? And it turns out now that he has a severe learning problem, that there's not more adult issues to say with these perpetrators. I'm not making an excuse for perpetrators, but anyway, that's what I knew about. Well, thank you very much.

[90:04]

I think perpetrators is a kind of, just the word itself, it's out there as solid. But if you look at anyone, be they the worst perpetrator imaginable, and you look deeply, you know how this is. You have in mind that they are yada yada. And then you look and you see the causes and conditions of their life. You see how they were brought up. You see how their parents were brought up. It's like, where is their blame? Where can you lay the blame, you know? So the truth of, you know, in the Diamond Sutra it says, you look at conditioned things or compounded things, which is everything we look at is compounded, meaning there's nothing that is an entity by itself alone without some kind of interdependence. So any person or any situation, if you study it,

[91:07]

you see it arises out of all these different conditions. There is nothing you can point to that caused this to happen. And so where do you lay blame? But, you know, we have a legal system, and we do have to stop people if they can't stop themselves and incarcerate and all sorts of things. But I think it's important to remember to bear in mind that if you look at the conditions that cause something, and then you look at the supposed thing and its condition, and then each condition was brought together by myriads of things, and it just falls apart, you know, there's nothing kind of solid there to call perpetrator anymore, you know, in the way our mind reifies it. So in the Diamond Sutra it says, lightning, flash, or clouds, so should one view what is conditioned. So all these things that they, you know,

[92:10]

a dew drop or a lightning flash or clouds, you know, that's the way these things actually exist. They exist in this way, which is not this solid thing. You just, it doesn't take much to actually look a little deeper and see what's there. So it's a very, our tendency for our mind is to want to say, this caused that and that person did that, you know, and maybe for a time we need to do that to kind of straighten, to kind of relieve ourselves of our, you know, if we think that it's all our fault, maybe we have to see where somebody else actually had a big part to play in it. But after that stage, you know, then if you look more deeply, you see how vast it is, how inconceivable it is,

[93:11]

how these things come together and arise. Yes. So I've heard some people pointing the finger at the language, English language itself, in that elusive verb to be, and propose that it be eliminated in a variant of English we call e-prime, so that he is a perpetrator because he did a... And so maybe with all this condition, can you give me a reaction to that? So you don't, you...

[93:52]

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