I vow to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. Good morning. I'm a little amazed to see so many of us happy to be out in the rain. I went for a walk outside both Thursday and Friday with some friends and although we enjoyed the clear sunny days there was also some yearning for the rain.

[01:00]

So isn't it nice that it's here? I also want to say how happy I am to be here having not been for almost three months. Seems in some ways like a long time and in some other way not very long at all. As some of you know I was on retreat and I also went to Japan to pay my respects to the ancestors and be initiated into several more ritual implements and to study the Bodhisattva Jizo who is the Bodhisattva who takes care of the underworld. So that's the Bodhisattva we call upon as we're being born, as we travel into life and as we travel out of life and in the intermediate stage between death and rebirth.

[02:04]

And Jizo is in Japan much loved probably the most loved and attended to of any of the Bodhisattvas in the Buddhist tradition. I was particularly looking at the versions of Jizo that have to do with the ceremony which is done to take care of those beings who die as a consequence of abortion which is, as some of you may know the standard means of birth control in Japan and so there is a lot of abortion. So I spent a fair bit of time in graveyards and looking at shrines and I traveled by myself quite a bit and because I don't speak or read Japanese I felt like I was in a kind of linguistic limbo

[03:08]

which had the consequence that my other sense perceptions were somehow heightened. And I want to reference some of my experience being in that language-less condition in terms of what I'd like to talk about this morning. It seems to me irresistible on the weekend following Thanksgiving to not talk about Thanksgiving to not talk about gratitude and generosity because it is so much what this time of year is about. In thinking about this activity of giving thanks what comes up in my mind is how much we need to notice what we have what benefits come in our lives

[04:11]

in order to be thankful. It makes me think of something Thich Nhat Hanh says sometimes about being thankful for the toothache you don't have. I don't know about you, but I don't think about the toothache I don't have very often. So in considering the practice of gratitude or thankfulness what comes up for me immediately is how crucial it is for us to find ways of noticing that about our lives for which we can be thankful. To be grateful for a human life for our comfort in the logistics of our lives which all contributes to our being able to study and practice the Buddha way. The fact that we here today probably are not

[05:18]

consumed with worrying about the roof over our head or the food that we're eating or the clothes that we're wearing. It seems to me that very close to the practice of gratitude is the practice of generosity. And I think that for many of us we have a much easier time being generous and expressing gratitude but being on the receiving end of generosity and of gratitude is sometimes more difficult. And for me in many ways the time I spent in Japan was an ongoing opportunity for me to let myself be as utterly helpless as I was to not try to hide that and to accept whatever kindness, whatever help came my way

[06:21]

to practice being on the receiving end of generosity. And I must say that I was on the receiving end of extraordinary kindness and generosity in many small ways. And what I noticed was that there was a real connection between my willingness to let myself look as helpless as I actually was to be public with my actual condition. That that seemed to be a factor. My willingness to be in that place was a factor in the relationship that I experienced with people who were kind and helpful. So much to my amazement, I would be standing in the middle of one of the busiest subway stations in Tokyo with my bright red, extremely heavy pack on my back

[07:21]

with my shaved head, which meant that for many Japanese people they didn't know whether I was a man or a woman. And if they thought I was a woman, they felt some pity on me because in Japan, for a woman to be ordained to be a nun is sort of the bottom of the line. What dreadful thing could have happened to her that she took this course of action? I have to say, however, I didn't feel on the receiving end of pity in the specific instances of being helped. It was just a matter of standing there with my head up looking around for some arrow or sign that would help me figure out which of the many stairways and hallways I should take to get to the next train. And inevitably, somebody would show up and say,

[08:23]

haltingly and with shyness, but would say in English, May I help you? Or if they didn't speak English, they would still come and stand in front of me, clearly receptive for me to say the name of the next station I was trying to get to. And it happened over and over and over again. So I experienced not only the kindness of the people that I knew or had some introduction to in Japan, which was significant, the kindness that is, but also that kindness of perfect strangers. If I got hung up in acting on or encouraging my fear about eek, what do I do next? Eek, what happens if I point to this on the menu?

[09:30]

Will I get something on the set before me that I can actually eat? Eek, if I put my letter in this orange box, which has a slot in it, is it a mailbox? Is it a mailbox for local mail or international mail? I had no idea most of the time. Curiously, what I am noticing certainly came up for me during these weeks of poking around in Japan, but also what has been surfacing for me over the last maybe year as I've been thinking about and looking into and appreciating the practice of generosity is to begin to pay attention to the obstacles.

[10:31]

And one of the obstacles which interests me a lot and which I would invite you to look into is the obstacle which is classically noticed as self-clinging, that preoccupation with myself and how I'm doing, how I'm looking, what will so-and-so think about me, how am I being treated, is it good enough, etc. How much that place where my mind can go that has to do with me, [...] becomes an obstacle to my capacity to hang out, as it were, in whatever condition I'm actually in. I can't give up the habit of self-clinging

[11:35]

if I don't look into it first. So what I've been working with over the last while is to find a way to be interested in those specific instances where that's where my attention has gone to. What I've discovered is that I can't be interested in that state of mind, that preoccupation, unless I can do it with a certain degree of friendliness, and that if I get too obsessed with what I'm noticing, that's a problem also. So what I find fruitful is to be willing to look into what's inspiring the thoughts or actions in each moment, to be curious about how often self-clinging is at the bottom

[12:38]

of much more of what I do than I would like to admit, certainly much more than I would hope my press release suggests, that I'm a little uncomfortable with what I'm noticing, and so I want to be gentle or kindly with the noticing. Note, oh, here it is again, another example of being preoccupied with me as the center of the universe. And to then, after briefly noticing that, move back to where are my feet, how am I sitting, what's happening to my breath, so that I don't let my attention stay with the example or instance of self-clinging, so that I begin obsessing about it. Because, of course, that's when we begin to beat up on ourselves,

[13:42]

especially if we have that rehearsed. I think it's useful to notice how beating up on ourselves, thinking we're crummy, is a negative version of self-clinging. We're still preoccupied with how we're doing, we're just preoccupied with how badly we're doing. Anyway, I want to invite you again to see what you can do to find some degree of curiosity for noticing the moments when that tendency is present and informing what you're doing or what you're thinking. I think that in coming to know our own patterns, especially around this particular hindrance,

[14:45]

my experience is that we can begin to let it go a bit. And to the degree that it continues, we cannot let that state of mind take the driver's seat quite so often. And that there is, in fact, a very high degree of relationship between that loosening of preoccupation with ourselves and our ability to genuinely appreciate the detail of our lives and to come to that place not only of appreciation and gratitude but of generosity, that they go together. A wonderful line from Shantideva, the great Indian philosopher and meditator, Have you ever known someone who was generous, who was not happy? Thanksgiving is the beginning of the holiday season,

[15:50]

the time when we all have been educated to think that we should be happy. And for a lot of us, it's a time when we're not happy at all. The days get shorter and the nights get longer. The disparity between the press release about the holidays and the way we actually feel, that disparity begins to make itself felt. I think it's the perfect time of year to find tiny ways, moment by moment, to practice appreciation and gratitude and generosity and to be as interested as we can be in the obstacles, in the hindrances. There's a set of verses that some of you may know

[16:53]

called the Eight Verses for Mind Training. I think it's the second verse that talks about regarding others as superior to oneself, taking the posture of being the lowliest. A group of us who have been working with these verses have been referring to this verse as the doormat verse because I think for many of us, when we read this verse, we think, oh, yuck, I don't want to do that. That's not healthy. But I think that if I really understand how pervasive my preoccupation with myself is, then that verse becomes an antidote and in that context, it makes more sense. To practice putting others first as a way of balancing our tendency to put ourselves first

[17:58]

takes on a very different view. When we begin to understand, have direct first-hand experience with our own particular version of self-clinging, then the usefulness of counterbalancing it becomes apparent without anybody having to make a big, heavy-handed point about it. So part of my suggestion about looking into, getting to know each of us, our own instance of preoccupation with ourselves, is because I think it becomes its own argument for finding a way of practicing other states of mind which directly lead to happiness, that which we all want. At least so far, I haven't met anybody

[19:01]

who doesn't want to be happy. I'd like to talk a little bit about some of what I looked at in my wandering around in Japan, particularly in graveyards and looking at these figures, because being in Japan and being in the situations that I was in had a direct effect on my appreciation for what we have here, and I'd like to share that with you a little bit. I think for many of us,

[20:01]

when we travel to some other country, we go someplace else, it has the effect very often of helping us appreciate home, and that was certainly true for me with this trip, particularly with respect to home, the Dharma home, if you will. I thought a great deal about Green Gulch and about our shared practice here at this particular place and in the United States. I thought about it in particular as a woman, because as much as anything that I came to appreciate during this last few months, I came to appreciate how fortunate I am to be a woman living and practicing in the United States, because part of what I got to look at was how doubtful it is for many women in Asia,

[21:05]

not just in Japan, but in Asia in general, even to be born. That abortion is on the continuum of infanticide, which has been practiced in Japan until somewhat recently, and it still continues to be practiced in other Asian countries. One of the things that struck me in being in Japan and seeing the extraordinarily beautiful places which have been the sites for Buddhist practice, not just Zen practice, but many different traditions, beautiful temples and monasteries, gardens, extraordinary figures made of stone or metal or wood, and continuing practice of certain ritual forms by people in Japan,

[22:06]

even though Buddhism is, from some point of view, I think, pretty much a dead tradition, certainly heavily in decline. Even so, there were lots of people at shrines doing various practices, offering incense, pouring water over a figure, bringing flowers, reciting a sutra, sometimes bringing offerings, especially at shrines for children who've died, bringing a teddy bear or a carton of juice or milk, a pair of shoes, a toy, all kinds of things. I remember in Kamakura, for those of you who have never been there, it is the grandest entrance I've ever seen.

[23:09]

It goes on for, I don't know, probably several miles, of a raised walkway with either cherry or plum trees lining the walk, and in the distance you see this extraordinary shrine built up on the hillside that you can see for a long time before you get there. Those are the kinds of things I mean when I say that the forms of Buddhism are still very much in abundance and an extraordinary resource for us to understand what's possible. I found myself, whenever I would go to a temple or a monastery, thinking about the development of this place because clearly what I was looking at was developed over many, many generations. What came up for me was that if we are patient, we too can slowly and carefully develop this place

[24:13]

to be a beautiful place which people can come to, enhance the beauty that's already here, to make this a place that people can come to for refuge, for solace, for the company of practicing meditation, studying together, being together and separate in the way we use this as a Dharma center. One of the things that struck me in my traipsing around Japan was how important it is for us to know as much as we can about where the Buddhist tradition has come from and to understand what we have inherited here, to really educate ourselves about how much of what we are doing has to do with Japanese culture and how much of it has to do with the teachings of the Buddha. Because to the degree that we do that,

[25:15]

we have extraordinary freedom to discover how to follow this ancient path in ways that really fit for us as Americans and that we have an incredible opportunity in that situation. We have to some degree, because of the fundamental elements of our own culture, an opportunity to be quite creative and free at the same time honoring the tradition, that we do not have to lose ourselves in everybody doing his or her own thing, that we can honor what really works for us coming out of the tradition, but that we can also think about it. We are, after all, primarily a mind culture. We respect the intellect and are interested in psychology in this culture. We have the opportunity to include those dimensions

[26:18]

of how we study and understand things in our meeting of the Buddhist tradition and not trying to turn ourselves into Japanese, for example, or for those of us who are exposed to Buddhism and other cultural trappings to become Chinese or Korean or Tibetan or whatever. I think both because women have a different role in the United States than they do in most of the Asian countries and because we are meeting the tradition primarily as laypeople, as householders, we have an opportunity to shape the tradition which we respond to so that it works for us as men and women practicing together differently than has historically been the case and as people who are primarily householders,

[27:21]

even though we may at times practice as monastics. So for me, this opportunity came up as something I could recognize and appreciate from the perspective of being in Japan and being away from home for such a long time. I could see clearly what a great opportunity I have and that I think we all have here. One of the appreciations that comes up for me in being away from here is that we also have incredible clear air. If you haven't been to Tokyo or Delhi or Hong Kong or I don't know where else, you might not realize what a jewel we have here

[28:22]

with the air we breathe most days, that we can go out for a long walk, that we have this beautiful valley and the surrounding watershed to be part of, that there are so many of us who are drawn to practicing together, that there are so many of us who are drawn to practice meditation, zazen, together, is a real treasure which is not enjoyed so much in Japan. We actually might have some influence on Japan because they are beginning to notice that we are interested in zazen, for example. A friend of mine who was at our house for dinner last night was a Japanese man,

[29:23]

was reminding me that he learned about Buddhism. He really came to understand something about Buddhism in the United States and in English. I find that very interesting because we so emphasize the bridge that goes from Japan here. We don't think about the bridge going the other way. And we don't think about how our interest in Buddhism underscores the elements in this great tradition which make it more international, that is, not the possession of the people of any one culture, a tradition which can be relevant and a resource for people of many cultures. So when I think for myself,

[30:26]

sitting here this morning with all of you, when I drove in this morning and saw the number of cars here on this rainy Sunday morning, I felt a great upwelling for our company with each other, that there are so many of us with some authentic and deep inclination to find some spiritual practice, that there is this turning towards a life, an inner life, a life of the spirit, if you will, in the United States, which is hard to find in Japan these days. The evidence of its recent presence is certainly there, but to find places where people are practicing together which has some feeling of true life about it is hard to do. There are those rare exceptions, but they are rare exceptions.

[31:33]

So I'm not only grateful to be born a human being with a clear mind most days and with a comfortable place to live and so far good health, today good health, except for my one big toe. No toothaches this morning. Good Dharma friends. I feel completely amazed to be on the receiving end of so much benefit. And I want to recommend, especially for those of us who have a hard time letting ourselves be helpless when we're helpless, I want to recommend the benefits of putting yourself in a position where that's what you are and there's no question about it.

[32:36]

I remember one day writing home to my husband saying that I felt like my time in Japan was like one perpetual trust fall because virtually everything I did, I had to trust that it would turn out okay. I had absolutely none of the usual clues to give me some sense of how it was going, where it would lead to. And I was amazed at the degree to which things went swimmingly. A friend of ours who has been a practitioner at Zen Center for many years, who's now doing his doctoral work in Tokyo, went to see some temples where Jizo is the central figure. And as we were riding along on the subway,

[33:41]

we were having a conversation about the fun of riding the subways in Tokyo and my amazement that I never got lost. And Richard said, well, of course, the wonderful thing about riding trains and subways in Japan and in Tokyo in particular is that if you get lost, you only lose time. He says it's not like New York, for example, where if you get lost, you may end up somewhere where you'll lose your life. And I thought, isn't that interesting? I hadn't thought of it, but it was true. The worst thing that could happen to me seemed to be that I might lose time. I think it's very good for us Americans to go to a country where it's still, by and large, pretty safe. Certain kind of violence,

[34:43]

which the Japanese certainly have in their fantasy life, but they don't seem to be acting it out. And of course, as a woman in particular, I really felt deeply grateful for that. But this valley is a place where I realize women in particular often come and stay at the guest house here because they can go for walks in the surrounding hillsides and feel pretty safe. Maybe we can have that ooze out into our lives. So I want to express my deep gratitude for all of us practicing together, literally every day that we come together, and when we know that we're practicing

[35:45]

in our respective homes and daily lives and come together periodically. This extended sangha that we have here feels like a great treasure, as does Green Gulch. So I want to thank you all. I think that knowing that Green Gulch and all of you were here, continuing your lives and practice, was a great point of reference for me. And no small part of my being able to sustain the continuous trust falls over the last several months. And I would like to encourage you all to look into whatever is your obstacle to this state of mind, which easily can express gratitude and appreciation

[36:49]

and out of that generosity, especially over the next weeks as we go through the holiday season with all of its joys and sadnesses, one day at a time. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. May our intention... May our intention...

[37:15]

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