This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. I want to thank the Tonto, the head of practice, for inviting me to give a talk. Um, even though he couldn't be here, it was sad. Um, He gives me a chance to express gratitude for my time here, which is actually coming to a close. But it's been really wonderful. And I was talking to my mom and she asked, how are you doing down there? And I said, it's been amazing. I'm having so much fun. Tata Hara is so restorative. I actually said that. That sentence that thousands of people have said thousands of times, I said, Tatsahara is so restorative.

[01:04]

And none of you know my mom, but if you did, what she said next would not surprise you. She said... What's that supposed to mean? Which I share, not to give you a glimpse into how my childhood shaped my psychology, although spoiler alert, that's coming up. I share that because I was grateful that I got a chance to actually think about it, think about what I said, and then say something meaningful. And what I said in response was, when I'm here, I'm just happy to be alive. I'm reminded of what it's like to just be happy to be alive. Maybe not 24 hours a day, but it does happen. And I just want to thank you all for being here and making Tassahara what it is, for the guests who support the temple completely, and for the residents who

[02:12]

keep it from washing into the ocean. It's a really meaningful place for people to come back to. And so I want to talk about Buddhism, and I was wondering where I should begin. And so I thought I could begin at the beginning, which is the Buddha's enlightenment. If the Buddha's enlightenment is the big bang of Buddhism, if it's moment zero, I wanna talk about moment one. So what we call Buddha's enlightenment was an experience a man in India had 2,500 years ago or more, and where he received total clarity and perfect wisdom about the cosmos, life, death, humanity, psychology, suffering. freedom from suffering.

[03:12]

All at once. And do you know what the first thing that happened after that was? The first thought that went through his head? Everyone is like this. No one would understand if I told them. I'm wondering if that's really registering. The Buddha... didn't think he could teach Buddhism. And I have to give a Dharma talk. Who the hell do I think I am? His response to the proposition of explaining himself was, I would rather sit here and die quietly alone in a forest somewhere. because it's that hard. And thankfully, he got up and taught people because he knew that even if no one could see what he was pointing at, maybe there would be people wise enough to understand the nature of the pointing.

[04:30]

And there were. And we still remember them, and we chant their names in this room every morning in gratitude for the wisdom that they've offered us and transmitted to us. And one of those names is Kema, Acharya Kema, who was one of the original followers of the Buddha. She ordained with the Buddha. And I want to tell a story about her because it was one of the first stories that I came across when I started studying Buddhism. And it hit me like a ton of bricks, and it still informs my understanding of Buddhism today. So a young man heard about enlightenment and he said, I want that. And I need to find the Buddha because the Buddha can tell me how to find it. And so he started traveling and then he saw a woman wearing the saffron robes of an ordained Buddhist monk. And he said, aha, she'll know how to show me where the Buddha is.

[05:35]

And so he went up to her and he said, venerable monk, can you tell me how to find the Buddha? And she said, why do you want to find the Buddha? And he said, oh, well, I heard about enlightenment. And I want in. And so I want to meet the Buddha so that he can teach me how to attain enlightenment. And Kemma said, fair enough. But if you wanted to know how many drops of water are in the ocean, Would you ask a mathematician? And the young man said, no, that's preposterous. How could anyone, even a great mathematician, presume to know how many drops of water are in the ocean? And Kama said, how could anyone, even a Buddha, presume to understand enlightenment? I...

[06:37]

That's the story. I think that's someone who understood that we cannot see what the teachings of truth are pointing at, but we can understand the nature of the pointing. There's a phrase in Zen that the teachings are just fingers pointing at the moon. They're not the moon. But it's usually presented as something like, yeah, you need to just stop focusing on the fingers and get with the moon. man and I don't think that's actually how it works I am with my distant Zen cousin who wrote my favorite song of all time his name was Leonard Cohen and he wrote a song called sing another song boys and my favorite line in that song is they'll never reach the moon at least not the one that they're after That's someone who understood the nature of the pointing.

[07:46]

And for us, we come from a lineage that started in Japan with a monk named Ehei Dogen Zenji. And I had this thought, I mean, this is something I said, the pointing is the moon. That's a thought that came into my head. And I thought, that sounds like something Dogen would say. So the pointing is the moon. I think Leonard Cohen understood that. And I think it's about samsara and nirvana. So these are two words that we have in our tradition that I might try and talk about briefly. Nirvana is the goal for all of us, right? It's total cessation of suffering. It's... primordial peace it's that I call Nirvana actually my name for Nirvana is the perfection of reality and it's the moon we're after actually and samsara is where we live so samsara is a cycle and it's a cycle that starts with ignorance so and ignorance creates consciousness and

[09:05]

And that's really important to remember because every moment of consciousness is a moment of ignorance, which is an odd thing to base a religion on, but that's what our religion is based on. And so consciousness, ignorant consciousness creates stories about the world, ideas about how the world should be. And those ideas create attachments and desires. Those desires create suffering. And the suffering creates more ignorance, and it starts over again. Which is really unfair. It would be really great if ignorance caused suffering, and then suffering caused knowledge, right? Wouldn't it be great to be, oh, yeah, that caused suffering, I won't do that again. But the way it works, the way wise people have understood, the way it works, is that suffering just causes more ignorance. And that's why we say stuck. in this cycle. Well, we call it samsara.

[10:07]

And for a long time, the teaching was if you pay attention to this cycle long enough, it's like a house of cards. If you understand any of the steps well enough, you can just take out one of the cards and the whole house will collapse. And you'll get fast-tracked to nirvana, to the other shore. The goal... And that held for centuries. And then some really cool people got impatient. And they said, nirvana is perfection, right? It's a perfection of reality. And if it's imperfect, then it includes everything, right? Because if it were missing something, then it would be incomplete. And if it's incomplete, it can't be perfect. So, Samsara, where we are, and Nirvana are actually one. And you're there right now. Surprise. I remember one in my early days of getting to know my beloved teacher, Tenshin Roshi, Reb Anderson.

[11:22]

I was doing... what I used to do a lot of with him, which is trying to sound smart and wow him with my intellect and wit. And I said this phrase, nirvana does not present itself as something to be grasped. And he said, actually, it's the exact opposite. Nirvana can always be grasped as samsara. That may be the most profound thing I've ever heard him say, actually. And it is a beautiful, beautiful sentiment to know that all we are is the grasping of nirvana. And to illustrate that, actually, I really appreciated Greg's talk that he gave a week and a half ago where he talked about a really important concept in our tradition, and it's about water.

[12:32]

And so for those of you who weren't there, or for those of you who should hear it again, we all should, water, to a fish, water is just home. It's just home. They can't even understand how it's home. It's so home to them. It's where they live. And for humans, it's completely different. We can't even understand how it could be a home. It's sustenance, clean dishes, a warm zendo in the winter for us. And similarly, Dogen said, enlightenment is like this, actually. And here's the way enlightenment is like it. To a Buddha, nirvana is just home. It's just the perfection of reality. There couldn't be anything else. For us deluded sentient beings, Nirvana is a convenient place to do our suffering. That's the teaching.

[13:43]

And it's quite a predicament, actually, to have that relationship to the perfection of reality. Our unique relationship to the perfection of reality is we are the beings who think it looks imperfect. Presented with a reality that doesn't make mistakes, we imagine how it can be better. And so I really think what this tradition is offering is a teaching something like the fundamental predicament of human existence is that the only way we can participate in enlightened reality is by not knowing that we're enlightened. And before I came down here, the Tonto City Center, where I live, said, don't be surprised if I ask you to give a talk. And so I came down here and my first night was the night before guest season started and we all had a meeting, the people who were living here in the summer.

[14:51]

And we talked about our intention for living here and practicing with this community. And after getting to hear everything that people were thinking and feeling, I went to bed and that's the thought that flashed through my head. The fundamental predicament of human existence is that the only way we can participate in enlightened reality is by not knowing that we're enlightened. And our practice is to remain humble in the face of that skull-crushing paradox. And I thought, oh, I could give a talk about that. And then, because I am my mother's son, my next thought was, what does that even mean? Are you just saying some Buddhist jargony stuff and thinking it matters to anyone besides the committed Buddhist obsessives in the room? Why don't you try and say the same thing in normal people talk?

[15:54]

So here it goes. True happiness consists of... completely accepting and being yourself. The twist is yourself. All you are is an ongoing process of wishing you were someone else. That's as hard as it sounds. And I think we can all take a deep breath and forgive ourselves for not having figured it out. I sure haven't. It's so strange. This ongoing process of wishing we were someone else, it is all we are. The teaching is that nirvana is the cessation of grasping.

[17:05]

but if the grasping disappeared, so would you. That's all you are. It's just a process of grasping, of wishing things were different than the way they are, or if they're great, that they could stay the same in the face of constant change. And the even almost sadder part is that you're not even doing it. one of our wonderful Chinese Zen ancestors, his name is Dengshan, and we chant his name in this room too. It's Tozan Ryokai Dayo Shou, if you didn't know that. And Dengshan wrote a song called the Song of the Jewel Mir Samadhi, and there's a line that says, you are not it, in truth it is you. So... I mean... So in a way, all we are is the perfection of reality perfecting itself.

[18:16]

All we are is reality working itself out through us. Everything you do and everything you are is reality being you. Like, on purpose. And there's another story I really like about the same ancestor, Deng Zhang. A story that Hakusho, the head of practice here, shared recently. And it made me want to share it as well. And it's a story. So one of his students was talking and he said, oh yeah, I want to share it because it happened to me. It actually happened to me. I'm going to share that too. So one of the students was saying something that everyone who's going to live here for the whole summer is going to get to say in a couple of months, which was, it's so hot.

[19:21]

Why is it so hot? Or if you lived here in January, it's so cold. Why is it so cold? Does it have to be so cold? And Dengshan... said um why don't you go where it's neither hot nor cold and the reason we remember this story 1200 years later is because of what dungshan said at the end but this is actually my favorite part of the entire story because the student in the face of this towering figure of wisdom and authority called his bluff and he said yeah how can i get there actually Show me how to go there, where there's no hotter cold. He's talking about nirvana. And then Dung San said, when it's hot, the heat kills you. And when it's cold, the cold kills you.

[20:24]

End of story. And I think we're all doing this all the time, and it's fine, it's fine. But I think sort of fighting it is where it gets tricky. So, fighting it is like trying to die of heat stroke in the middle of a blizzard. Fighting who you are in favor of who you think you should be is like trying to die of frostbite in the middle of the desert. You're still gonna die. Now you just look stupid doing it. And you're probably annoying the people around you who are just quietly dying of frostbite in the blizzard. But trust me, I'm no better. I'm still in it. One of my great Dharma friends was someone named David Cody. And he and I arrived at Gringold's farm at the exact same time.

[21:32]

We were guest students together. He was my first roommate. And he was just a brilliant, brilliant man. And he moved to Tatsahara before I did. So when I got here, he was kind of someone I could ask about things, where things are, how we do things. And just a great friend. And I think for the sake of the story, let's say it was my first day. My first lunch was black bean chili. And I love black bean chili. But this black bean chili had cilantro like all up in it. And I am one of those obnoxious people that think cilantro is disgusting. And so I voiced my distaste. And without missing a beat, Dave Cody said, you're in luck. Because on the other side of that mountain, there's another monastery exactly like this one. Only they never put cilantro in the fruit.

[22:39]

And it was a bit embarrassing. And I did not learn my lesson. I was thinking, why do you think I run up the road every day? I'm still looking for that other monastery. I also wanted to share that story about Dengshan because a great Zen teacher who passed away recently named John Dido Laurie collected a... collection, a compendium of these stories, 300 great Zen stories. He translated them with the help of Kaz Tanahashi-sensei, who's involved with Zen Center, and he wrote a commentary on every single one. And I just looked it up just to make sure I didn't miss anything in my recitation. And I read his commentary and I loved it. And so I want to share it because I think it's really in support of what I've been saying and I'm insecure.

[23:42]

So here is the commentary. Dungshan's go to the place where there is neither cold nor heat is like flowers blooming on a withered tree in the midst of a frozen tundra. His let the heat kill you is the roaring furnace that consumes every phrase, idea, and thing in the universe. Even the Buddhas and sages cannot survive it. Nothing remains. We should understand clearly, however, that let the cold kill you is not about cooling off. Cold is just cold, through and through. Let the heat kill you is not about facing the fire. Heat is just heat, through and through. Further, there is no relationship whatsoever. between Dungshan's heat and cold. Heat does not become cold.

[24:44]

Cold does not become heat. The question really is, where do you find yourself? And upon reading that, I was inspired to write this. I'm ready to forfeit. To turn over my king and accept that I am who I am. That we all have this. This ability to look at the world our minds are presenting and judge, hate it, fear it, love it, wish it would change, wish it wouldn't change. That's actually just as bad. That's just who we are. And it's embarrassing. It is. but there's no us that isn't this activity. Jairo Roshi asks, where do you find yourself? And we are invited to open up to the reality that we won't find ourselves anywhere but in our confusion, in our need to make things different when we don't like them, or hold on for dear life when we do.

[25:57]

Because if you were actually completely one with reality, you would cease to exist in any way that you can comprehend. Like Daido Roshi said, even the Buddha doesn't survive it. Or like the Buddha said, none of us are separate from it and no one can understand that. Because our role in the perfection of reality is to not get the perfection. And our practice is to watch our humanity until we can completely accept it and offer it as a gift and the people who can do that we call them bodhisattvas and bodhisattvas among other things offer the gift of fearlessness when I first heard that teaching I was extremely dejected and depressed because I thought I guess I don't get to be a bodhisattva

[27:02]

Because I am nothing but terror and panic. I am just a vortex of fear. And over the years, I've softened a little. I've come to maybe a... I might be hedging or finding a place for myself in this tradition. But here's my understanding of that path. And a practice you can do here during meditation or in life. which is a practice of just sitting and witnessing your humanity and becoming so intimate with it that it can no longer surprise you. Because when it can no longer surprise you, it can no longer offend you. And when it can no longer offend you, it can no longer threaten you. Somebody asked me, How has your consciousness changed over the years?

[28:08]

It's a hard question to answer because it hasn't really... My psychology for my whole life has just been a lot of really bad dudes that would beat down the door and find a hopeless victim to abuse mercilessly. And what I found myself saying was actually, so all those bad dudes are still there. And they still knock down the door. Only now, it's like they don't find a hopeless victim. They find an old friend. And I'm as surprised as anyone could be at that turn of events. But I really do think that this practice can help us find that space. of turning enemies into friends. And when we can do that for ourselves, we can, in our own humanity and pettiness and selfishness and all the things we wish we could change, we can meet it in everyone else in the same way.

[29:21]

And so I guess all I really want to say is that the world needs you exactly the way you are. And it's actually better than okay if you can't see that right now. Thank you for listening, and thank you for being here. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit SSCC.org and click Giving.

[30:10]

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