This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Well, nice to see everybody. So once upon a time, Ananda asked the Buddha, about friendship. And Ananda knew that friendship was really important. He thought maybe, possibly, friendship was even half the battle in the spiritual path. So he asked the Buddha about this, and the Buddha said, no, Ananda, having good friends isn't half the holy life. Having good friends is the whole of the holy life.

[01:01]

the famous saying of the Buddha about friendship. That's from the Samyutta Nikaya, but my favorite story about friendship in the Pali material comes from the Udana, which is a lesser-known compendium of Pali texts. And this is the story of the monk Magiya. It's called the Magiya Sutta. So once the monk, a young monk, McGeeya, a young eager monk McGeeya, was attending the Buddha on a journey. It was just the two of them. And three times McGeeya asked the Buddha for permission to meditate in an especially inspiring mango grove that he had happened on that day. And he was so enthusiastic about how beautiful this mango grove is that he couldn't wait to go there and meditate. And he asked the Buddha three times if he could do that, and the Buddha said no. Buddha said, wait, wait till some other monk comes to take your place.

[02:05]

But Megiya was so eager, he wouldn't take no for an answer. And after hearing the request three times, finally the Buddha said, okay. So Megiya went to the grove. But his meditation didn't go very well. To his shock and amazement, he found his mind a snarl of agitation. Malicious, lustful and confused thoughts flooded his mind. So much so that he could barely even notice the beauty of the mongo grove. And this so surprised him that he rushed back to the Buddha to report what had happened. But the Buddha was not that surprised. and he took the opportunity to give McGeeya a teaching. He said to him, there are five things that will release the heart and bring lasting peace.

[03:10]

The first one is a lovely intimacy with good friends. Second, virtuous conduct. Third, frequent conversation that inspires and encourages practice. Fourth, diligence, energy, enthusiasm for the good. And fifth, insight into impermanence. And then, for Megiya's further benefit, the Buddha repeated this same teaching again. Only this time, he preceded each of the five members of the list with the first. In other words, when there is a lovely intimacy between friends, the other four will necessarily follow. Friendship, in other words, is the most important element in the spiritual path.

[04:13]

Everything else will naturally flow from it. So I appreciate the truth and the beauty of this teaching more and more as the years go by. It really is such a great thing to be able to practice with good friends 5, 10, 20, 30, 40 years. That's a special joy and I'm so happy to see Linda sitting over there maybe 40 years or so, practicing together. Thank you for coming today. So much comes from these beautiful friendships. As you ripen and age, you appreciate the uniqueness and the nobility of each and every friend, and the twists and turns

[05:22]

every life and the gift that each life has given you and then you get to be my age and you start attending the funerals of your dearest friends very poignant and each loss increases the gravity and the preciousness of your own life And it makes the friendships that remain that much more important. And when long friendship with good people along the path of spiritual practice is a central feature of your life, I think the Buddha is completely right. Experience shows it's nearly impossible, when that's the case for you, for spiritual qualities conducive to awakening not to ripen. and especially for those on the bodhisattva path, loving and appreciating your friends, even when they are a pain in the butt, as they sometimes are, is itself the path's fullness and completion.

[06:41]

Because friendship ripens and deepens the capacity for compassion. These days in contemporary discourse you hear a lot about relationships. Everybody seems to be talking about relationships. And the word usually means romantic relationships. But sometimes it means connections with parents, children, siblings, colleagues. But it's not that often that you hear discussion of friendship. Yet it is possible that friendship is the most wonderful form of human relationship. Emerson calls friendship the masterpiece of nature. That we and our friend can, in the midst of the cacophony of human relations and the hall of mirrors,

[07:51]

that is, each person's mind and heart, actually communicate intimately with one another, however much we misunderstand, and before one another, come what may, support one another unselfishly, this really is a masterpiece of nature and, I think, one of our brightest human achievements, greater than a skyscraper. It's also, I believe, our best hope in troubled times. When things are tough, having a really good friend to help shoulder the burden makes survival not only infinitely more possible, but much more lovely. In the Megiya Sutta and elsewhere, Buddha is referring specifically to spiritual friendship, but I think real friendship, true friendship, is always spiritual.

[09:00]

In his essay on friendship, Emerson writes, The laws of friendship are great, austere, and eternal, of one web with the laws of nature and morals. But, We seek our friends not sacredly, but with an adulterated passion. In other words, what he's saying is, friendship really is great, but most friendship falls short of the potential. Because we're looking for something from the other person. Entertainment, sympathy, some kind of support. Unable to stand the fullness of the other. We don't want to discover and offer our own. Emerson says, almost all people descend to meet. What a disappointment is actual society.

[10:05]

Real relationship, he says, includes the depth of solitude of each one of us. Real friendship is divine. and profound. Well, Emerson is an incredible idealist, and he may be too hard on ordinary, everyday friendship, which I think is pretty good already. It's okay and fine that we come together out of mutual interests, out of attraction, social necessity. Everybody needs somebody to talk to and go to the movies with. And all this is normal and healthy. And there's a lot of joy in it. And we do care about one another on an everyday basis. And yet, spiritual friendship, the friendship that the Buddha called the whole of the holy life and that Emerson held in such high esteem, that's something else.

[11:20]

In the Buddhist path, spiritual friendship takes place in the context of Sangha life, which is a life built on teaching and dedicated practice and on a commitment that we all share to going beyond self-interest and personal need. Spiritual friendship is less about personal connection than it is about helping one another to grow in faith and goodness. To realize, as we say in Zen, to realize our true nature. And Sangha friendships are forged and grounded in silence. Especially in our practice, where emphasis is placed on practice as shared activity over time. Sangha friendship is central to what we're doing.

[12:26]

In ordinary friendships, we might connect right away with lots to share and learn from one another. But in Sangha life, friendship usually develops much, much more slowly. It may take years before we ever share backgrounds. and personal stories, and maybe we never do. But in the meantime, we're slowly by slowly getting to know one another intimately in the silent space of the Zen Dome. We know each other's hands and feet and facial expressions, our walking, our standing, our sitting. abowing we see the suffering and the triumph expressed in body language and facial expression we hear the sound of voices joined together in chanting our groans our fatigue the ways we cope when we have very little of our usual social strategies left

[13:52]

to us. And usually the most unlikely people show up to join Buddhist Sanghas. People who under ordinary circumstances would never even meet, let alone end up spending weeks, months, possibly years, decades together. And yet this motley crew of people manages to find true harmony, commonality, and deep mutual appreciation despite their many, many differences. And eventually they come to share something more fundamental than their interests and affinities. And it's not unusual To be in a Sangha with someone who perfectly pushes all your buttons.

[14:58]

This happens. Exactly the sort of person that in regular life you would avoid at all costs will typically appear in your Sangha. And there he'll be. Your father. your brother, your childhood nemesis, your ancient school or workplace enemy. There he is, sitting right across from you in the zendo. And with the encouragement of teacher, teachings and sangha, you will have to deal with this person in ways that in ordinary life, you never would. And yes, eventually, over time, even this person may become your valued friend.

[16:03]

Emerson and Buddha share the perspective that spiritual friendship requires two elements that seem almost the opposite of one another. Truth and tenderness. Spiritual friends are really honest with one another. They have courage. They take risks. They speak from the standpoint of truthfulness, not expediency. When my friend goes astray, at least as far as I can see, I must speak up. And I expect the same from him as well. Yet tenderness is equally and simultaneously important. Dogen writes of the power of kind speech. Speak to sentient beings as you would to a baby. With that much tenderness and sweetness, he writes.

[17:13]

A true friend's criticism is given with loving kindness because it comes from a loving heart seeking only my benefit and well-being. And if I find I'm lacking in tenderness and speaking what I consider to be truth out of defensiveness or separateness, I have to discern this and work on healing the causes within myself of this breach of kindness and hold my peace until I'm ready to speak with love. We usually think of spiritual teachers as parental kind of authority figures. Or maybe we think of them as coaches or trainers. But in the Mahayana Sutras, spiritual teachers are referred to as kalyanamitas, spiritual friends, people who see us as we are, love us anyway, and care absolutely for our ultimate welfare.

[18:24]

And a teacher's job is to model spiritual friendship. While at first, and maybe for some years, we may be intimidated by the teacher, imagining him or her to be more spiritually developed than we are, as time goes on, the teacher transforms from a scary boss to a trusted friend. Over time in Sangha life, we come to have such inspiring friendships, not only with teachers, but also with many others who will support and love us in the same way. No matter the person, of whatever background or personal style, anyone with enough proximity and sincere practice over time becomes a Sangha friend, whom you will treat. with full respect and affectionate regard, and they will treat you the same.

[19:32]

The Buddha thought of the Sangha as a harmonious group of spiritual friends looking out for one another's welfare and living together with full equality for the purpose of the spiritual development of each one. And I've always admired what I've read of the earliest Buddhist Sangha, which was radical in its insistence that anybody, prince or pauper, could join and be fully accepted with equal love. And rank was established solely on the basis of seniority, without regard to wealth, social position, or even skill and dedication in practice. And to this day, the Buddhist Sangha retains this emphasis on equality and inclusion. Now, of course I realize that this is an ideal, and it has not always been practiced that way.

[20:47]

But it is an ideal that is upheld. As we all know, women were never included as equals with men in the past or even in the present in Asian Buddhisms. And as we also know, and as we can see right now looking around the room, Western Buddha Sanghas are overwhelmingly made up of white middle-class educated people. So we notice this. We do not notice it. We hope that it will change. We're working to do whatever we can to change it. But it takes a long time. And eventually, the only thing that works is that there are many men and women, teachers of color and of all races and creeds. So we know that.

[21:55]

But even so, even so, even as it is now. We can rejoice in the wholesomeness and the inclusivity of our Sangha friendships, and we can depend on them to support us in times of need. I think a lot of time we are disappointed because we are expecting and asking for more emotional or material support from Sangha than we seem to be getting. But the more we are established in practice and the more we see the Dharma and take responsibility in it, the more we will understand that the support Sangha does provide is the most fundamental and the most healing kind of support

[22:57]

gentle encouragement to awaken. Here's a story that is collected as the 78th case of Blue Cliff Record. Here's the story. In olden times, there were 16 bodhisattvas. When it was time for the monks to wash, the bodhisattvas filed into the bathhouse to bathe. Suddenly, they all awakened to the basis of water. All you Chan worthies, how will you understand their saying? Subtle feeling reveals illumination and we have achieved the station of sons of Buddha. And that's the story. This is case 78 of... Blue Cliff Record. And it reflects, you know, the historical reality that in the big Chan monasteries, they all, they had big bathhouses, you know, you didn't have private bathrooms or anything.

[24:09]

Everybody would file into the big bathhouse for the bath. And we still have that at Tassajara at our Zen Mountain Center. We have bath time. There are no bathrooms or showers in your room. We have bath time. It's late afternoon. Work ends. And everybody goes to the bath in silence. You bathe and then get your robe on for service. When you enter the bathhouse, you bow at the shrine and you recite the bathing verse. And enshrined, on the bathhouse altar is a picture of the 16 bodhisattvas. I think it's out there, too, right here. Yeah. So now you know the story. You should go in and look at that picture. And I bring this story up.

[25:11]

There's, of course, a lot we could say about it, but the reason I'm bringing it up now is because this is the only story, Buddhist story, that I'm aware of in which 16 people realize awakening together at the same moment. as good spiritual friends together. Sitting chest-deep in the tub, they must have, like, looked around at one another with beautiful half-smiles of acknowledgement. And since bath time is silent, they said nothing. Mostly, we think of awakening as an individual affair. And to be sure, the texts and teachings can make it sound like that. But in Zen, we think differently.

[26:12]

In Zen, we practice together, we awaken together, we understand together. And together, we go forth to do what needs to be done. Mahayana Buddha's teachings recognize very clearly, that there is no such thing as individual awakening. Bodhisattvas clearly see that it makes no sense to think that an individual could be happy and fully content while others suffer. Nobody could be happy, enlightened, content, at peace. until everybody is enlightened, content, happy, at peace. Because self and other are not two different, truly existing entities. They are mutually conditioned positions, concepts.

[27:16]

What we usually refer to as a person, you or me, is in reality an endless series of interactions, meetings, relationships. There is no atomized, freestanding person. And this is completely obvious to bodhisattvas. This is why love, compassion, friendship are at the center of the bodhisattva path. This is why the Buddha of the coming era, the era after this era, will be known as Maitreya Buddha, the one who practices friendship. In his essay on friendship, a 16th century French writer, Michel de Montaigne, compares friendship to all other human relationships and concludes that friendship is superior.

[28:25]

Siblings generally fight with one another. Spouses are too emotionally entangled to support one another disinterestedly. Parents and children too blinded by the psychological weight of their connection to ever see one another with fully open appreciation. But friends, he writes, friends share one mind, one heart, and one will. They are for one another, even more. than a person could be for herself. So one can trust one's friends to look after one's interests more than you can trust yourself. He says this. Nothing is more intimate and more lovely than friendship. Now, the thing about Montaigne's essay on friendship that is so poignant, as he writes in the essay, he says, this is not just a theory.

[29:31]

He's writing the essay in testimony and memorial to the most cherished friendship in his own life, his relationship with the writer Estienne de la Boite, whose death has left him, he says... feeling like half a person. And in my talk today, I am also giving testimony and memorial to my own great friend of more than 40 years, the late Rabbi Alan Liu, whom I met on the first day of classes at the University of Iowa Writers' Workshop in 1968, before either of us had begun our spiritual And independently, without planning on it, we both ended up moving to California after we left Iowa and we reconnected and practiced Zen together for more than a decade under our teacher Sojin Weizmann.

[30:39]

And through a series of bizarre and unexpected events, Alan became a rabbi and we continued our spiritual friendship. And we even founded a Jewish meditation center that I'm still leading in his memory and sadly in his absence in San Francisco. And for all those years, Allen supported, loved, and respected me far more than I supported, loved, and respected myself. And his practice in loving heart was and remains my inspiration. Now, in his essay, talking about his friendship with Estienne, Montaigne says that deep friendship is necessarily exclusive. He says you can only have one such dear friend.

[31:43]

But I don't think at all that's the case with spiritual friendship. We have many, many dear spiritual friends. Probably the more friends we have, the more friends we have. And the more enriched our lives become. Still sometimes, when luck and circumstances arise, you can have a spiritual friendship that's uniquely precious. It was always noticeable to me that there was some strange way in which my friendship with Rabbi Lu was not exclusive. We always included whoever was around in our intimacy. Everybody was always welcome. And because we were such good friends, others were encouraged and inspired to be good friends to one another, too.

[32:53]

And I think that is the nature of spiritual friendship. It never depends on division or discrimination between people. Real love cannot be exclusive. It is boundless, empty, open, and free. And spiritual friendship is that way too. And I'm aware. This is such an idealistic view. And maybe we never really realize it. But I'm sure it's what the Buddha had in mind when he taught that there is no element of the path more precious, more important than spiritual friendship. We've been going on quite a long time at Zen Center.

[33:56]

I'm sure we didn't think when we started that we would still be here after all this time. And of course, we've lost quite a number of really good friends over these years. And today I'm thinking of three such friends who really stand out in my heart, three people with whom I was really close. Michael Sawyer, who lived here for many years at Green Gulch, died some years ago. Yogan Steve Stuckey, our abbot, who we lost quite suddenly and tragically just a few years ago. And Daigon Luke, Arlene's dear husband, who passed here at Green Gulch just about six months ago. So in memory of these three dear friends, we're building an actual bell tower.

[35:04]

No more hanging that precious bell from a tree trunk, from a tree branch. A bell tower. And Arlene is occupying herself with raising money for this bell tower. And she told me that they have three quarters of the money, they got it already. but today in the spirit of friendship and in memory of these three spiritual friends and also of your friends, living and not living. I hope you'll support this project, Help Arlene. She'll be outside after the talk to tell you about the bell tower. So thanks for those contributions. your support of that, and thanks for listening to my talk. It's always a pleasure to come to Green Gulch and speak to you. Let's take one last minute to breathe together and feel the friendship that we're enjoying right now.

[36:12]

Thank you. giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[37:16]

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