This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. Welcome to the second day of session. I want to express my gratitude to the Tanto for clarifying that I would, in fact, count my breath yesterday. And so I did. And it was not easy. There were some thoughts that were encouraging me to keep on thinking.

[01:01]

And I think, oh, you should think about this, and you need to think about that. But with the tanto's encouragement, I was able to say, no. I agreed to not think. And to just count the breath. So it's a sense of gratitude, actually. comes naturally, I think, the more one is simply being present. The more one makes the shift from being involved in thinking mind and shifting to the mind which does not know. To shift from the mind that knows things to shift to the mind that does not know things. So just being present moment by moment is very profound training, actually, that we're doing here.

[02:15]

And, of course, it runs counter to most of what we always learn, what we are usually expected to learn. We're usually expected in our educational system, we're expected to learn things, to know things, and to think. Now, it's interesting, this practice does not negate thinking. So there's a misunderstanding maybe that Zen is anti-intellectual. Actually, Zen is inclusive of the intellect. not opposed to it, but also deeply understanding that there is the mind of practice, the mind of, maybe we could say, of Sambhogakaya Buddha.

[03:21]

Sambhogakaya Buddha is doing this practice, and Sambhogakaya Buddha does not need to believe or be attached to conceptions, thought concepts. Of course, thought concepts are part of the field of awareness but are not misunderstood from the point of view of ego, not misunderstood or attached to from the point of view of one's, say, self-interest. So the usual thinking mind is always in the background. We may not necessarily be aware of it. We may think, oh, this is just a neutral thought. But in the background, the way we're holding it is from the point of view of selfishness, of self-interest. And so to turn from...

[04:23]

from selfishness, to turn from self-interest, to get to the heart of this practice of Sambhogakaya, Buddha practicing, which is our kind of a... It's like an inconceivable body that we have. The body that we can conceive of is not quite it. yet the body we can conceive of may point to it but is not actually it. So in this practice we're cultivating a body that goes beyond our usual understanding or conception of who we are. And we can't really do it directly. Doing it directly would be selfish. So to have a practice of giving up what we're usually doing And to do something as unimportant as counting the breath is a big, big help.

[05:32]

So I want to encourage people to continue. As Suzuki Roshi discovered and kind of rediscovered, and as we all may do if we continue to practice again and again, rediscover the efficacy of this practice. That there's a great work being done, and it's the work that goes beyond what we can usually do. It's the work of liberating, of liberation, of freeing us from ourselves, from the ways in which we are trapped by our own tendencies, our own beliefs, and our own, say, fears. So, anyway, deep gratitude to Tanto. By the way, how many people felt that earthquake last night?

[06:38]

Who did not feel it? Maybe... Looks like more people felt it than not. People who were sleeping soundly at midnight. So later on, when I got up, I thought, did I dream that? So I looked it up. So forgive me, but I looked it up. Because I thought, well, I don't know. It's either a fairly weak earthquake that's not so far away. Or a very strong earthquake that's far away. Did San Francisco have a very strong earthquake? So I thought, well, maybe I should check it out. But what I found online was at 655.09 UTC, a MAG 5.3 quake, epicenter 26 kilometers east-northeast of King City.

[07:45]

about nine kilometers deep. What would that be? About five miles? About five miles under the surface of the Earth. So universal time translates What daylight savings time translates into about 11.55. And so that checks out when I woke up. And so another reminder of impermanence. The mountains around here are still rising. And we're near the whole Pacific plate subducting under the whatever plate we're on.

[08:59]

This is fairly recent. It's only, you know, I think plate tectonics really began to be pretty clear I think in the 50s or 60s. So it's It's fairly recent that human beings have this kind of information. So without that, it's like, how would you interpret that sensation? Or if it's much more violent, what's causing the earth to have this dramatic shuddering and shaking? It's sobering. It's sobering for mere human beings, vulnerable human beings to feel the earth itself moving. So I wanted to talk a little bit today about this inquiry that we're doing and how we actually

[10:14]

work with resistance that comes up. I thought I'd read a poem by Wisława Cymborska, a Nobel Polish poet. A Polish poet whose most of her poetry is pretty well I almost said depressing. Poland has suffered a lot. But this is not particularly depressing, but it's interesting called Conversation with a Stone. This is one of her more famous poems. Maybe many of you know it. It goes... Conversation with the stone. I knock at the stone's front door.

[11:17]

It's only me. Let me come in. I want to enter your insides. Have a look around. Breathe my fill of you. Go away, says the stone. I'm shut tight. Even if you break me to pieces, we'll all still be closed. You can grind us to sand. We still won't let you in. I knock at the stone's front door. It's only me. Let me come in. I've come out of pure curiosity. Only life can quench it. I mean to stroll through your palace, then go calling on a leaf, a drop of water. I don't have much time. My mortality should touch you. I'm made of stone, said the stone, and must therefore keep a straight face. Go away. I don't have the muscles to laugh. I knock at the stone's front door. It's only me.

[12:21]

Let me come in. I hear you have great empty halls inside you, unseen, their beauty in vain, soundless, not echoing anyone's steps. Admit, you don't know them well yourself. Great and empty, true enough, said the stone, but there isn't any room. Beautiful, perhaps, but not to the taste of your poor senses. You may get to know me, but you'll never know me through. My whole surface is turned toward you. All my insides turned away. I knock at the stone's front door. It's only me. Let me come in. I don't seek refuge for eternity. I'm not unhappy. I'm not homeless. My world is worth returning to. I'll enter and exit empty-handed, and my proof I was there will be only words which no one will believe.

[13:22]

You shall not enter, says the stone. You lack the sense of taking part. No other sense can make up for your missing sense of taking part. Even sight heightened to become all-seeing will do you no good without a sense of taking part. You shall not enter. You have only a sense of what the sense should be, only its seed, imagination. I knock at the stone's front door. It's only me. Let me come in. I haven't got 2,000 centuries, so let me come under your roof. If you don't believe me, says the stone, just ask the leaf. It will tell you the same. Ask a drop of water. It will say what the leaf has said. And finally, ask a hair from your own head. I'm bursting with laughter. Yes, laughter, vast laughter. Although I don't know how to laugh.

[14:27]

I knock at the stone's front door. It's only me. Let me come in. I don't have a door, says the stone. So this is a poet's observation on how sometimes we are. What she calls here, the stone is saying, you lack the sense of taking part. You lack the sense. What reminded me, Suzuki Roshi sometimes talks about that our practice is simply to participate, to participate with things. So the stone says you lack the sense of taking part, and no other sense can make up for your missing sense of taking part. What would that be? Would that be compassion? Would that be wisdom? This willingness to be simply participating with what seems closed, with what seems, say, resistant, which is not yielding to our pestering it.

[15:38]

Sometimes we're like that with each other. We think, oh, if I pester this person enough, I'll get what I want. Then the other person just feels pestered. Then they're less likely, usually, to give me what I want. The more I pester them, the less they want to give me what I want. Sometimes in that way, we're also like stones where we don't have a door for someone else, although we may feel that the door is that we have, they're missing. And that the sense of participation is something that can be cultivated. And we're doing it here in the Zendo. We're actually cultivating a sense of participation with each other that goes beyond our usual way. The usual way is we think we have communication with other people through language, through looking at each other. And here we're actually, in a way, we're sitting here like stones.

[16:40]

And we are aware of each other, but not directly communicating with each other in the usual way. So it's kind of an interesting thing that happens. So this conversation with a stone reminded me of how we are during seshin. Here we are sitting here like stones, and we're not... We're knowing each other with a sense of participation that kind of goes beyond the focused kind of way in which we ask a question and get an answer. You might notice that while we're sitting, while we're sitting counting the breath, counting and becoming very focused in the present moment, you might notice that at the same time, the present moment is vast. So while we're being very precisely focused, say, this breath, at the same time, all the senses are functioning, right?

[17:56]

The sense of all of our sense organs And maybe in consciousness, the sense of consciousness functioning even beyond what, again, what we're conceiving of. And I think this is something we cultivate. You might notice it when you're trying to clean your bowl with a satsu. You're very focused. I'm very focused. I'm trying to get this last little crumb of whatever rice cream that's stuck on the side of my Buddha bowl. At the same time, I'm very focused on that little crumb there. I'm just working on it. And that's the same time I'm aware that the servers are coming around with the tray to pick up the gamasya, right? So I have only so much time that I'm very much aware. So at the same time, we have this focused awareness. We also have field, what I call field awareness.

[18:56]

So focused awareness does not exclude field awareness. So you may notice that and we actually but we cultivate it primarily by cultivating focused awareness. Because focused awareness in the present moment the present moment includes the whole field. So the primary way in which we usually miss the field is by being involved in past or future. So being involved in past or future we miss the whole present field. So some great athletes, of course, really cultivate this. So on a basketball team, there's 10 people on the basketball court and then on a soccer field, what are, 22? So really, when a good athlete is in her, say, sometimes maybe call flow,

[20:01]

and we're in the state of flow, is aware of where everyone is at the same time on the whole field. And everyone is in motion, so one cannot be holding on to any fixed view. If you hold on to a fixed view, oh, I know where that person is. Even if you think, I know where that person is, by then they've moved, right? So you cannot have that thought, oh, I know where so-and-so is. You have to actually have a sense of the field that includes everything in dynamic movement. So it's quite amazing and beautiful to see. When someone does a, what do you call it? You pass the ball to someone else, and you're looking over here, but you know the person's over there and everyone's moving, and you pass the ball to them. they have to be paying attention too. They have to have their field awareness, but also then it turns into catching the ball is very focused, right?

[21:08]

So this interplay is happening very fast, the interplay of focus and field, focus and field. It's not really two things, but when we think about it and break it down, it's like these two different kinds of attention are happening simultaneously. And this is happening in our meditation, in our concentration practice, where we are focused on something. And the more you may notice, the more you are attending to this present moment, you're able to, say, completely include the blue jay that's outside the room, a rock that falls down. I wondered whether there are any... more rocks that have fallen down the road from the little shake last night. And so one is aware of all these things and then you have a choice then and your choice is predicated upon what you need to take care of.

[22:16]

What are you actually responsible for? So you don't need to do what you're not responsible for. So you don't need, if you're sitting here being royally treated and served, you actually don't need to do what the servers do. You don't need to think about their problems. You can just sit here and let the servers think about their problems. When it's your turn to be the server, then that's your area of responsibility. When it's your turn to be the server, then you can think about the server's responses to the changing situation. So this is a very important and wonderful part of our practice that we cultivate when we don't talk so much. cultivating a whole mind that's paying attention, both in a focused way and in a way that's the whole field.

[23:27]

Now, a couple of things that block that, many things block it. We talk about the hindrances. Hindrances interfere with our ability to be present. So in the list of Maybe I'll talk about hindrances a little later. If we're looking at the background, I'm thinking about the four foundations of mindfulness. The third foundation of mindfulness is mindful of states of mind. So mindful of states of mind and the states of mind that are mentioned are pretty, I'd say, simple, incomplete. But the idea is that it's a practice of liberation to be aware of one's state of mind, simply to be mindful of it.

[24:39]

A couple of... states of mind that are not mentioned but are really huge obstructions are grief and fear. So I want to talk a little bit about grief, grieving, the practice of grieving. I've come to have the notion that grieving is a central practice of Buddhism, of students of the Dharma. Grieving is a central practice. Grieving comes right along with understanding impermanence, of coming to terms with the basic teaching of impermanence.

[25:43]

And in its most, say, refined sense, every moment is a moment of grieving, the loss of the previous moment. If you're in this practice of present moment awareness, there's a little maybe poignancy to the loss of the previous moment. Uh-oh. What I was just appreciating is gone. So to be able to accept that the truth of that is so important. Usual way is to ignore that loss and to believe that things are still here. Believe that things are more substantial than they are.

[26:50]

To believe that the person I know is some person that exists in some more substantial way. To believe that this self that I call myself is substantial. So a usual way is misunderstanding, misapprehending, and it's actually a kind of heresy if you think of basic teaching of Buddhism as impermanence. So most of us, I think, go around as heretics most of the time, not so conscious of how we are. substantializing things and forming attachments to things. And then we experience loss then as a big cluster, a big clump of many, many, many, many, many, many thoughts, conceptions, experiences that we have formed and are holding, holding on to.

[28:07]

So the experience of losing something that one has devoted so much care and attention to, believing that it is substantial, without actually also at the same time fully being willing to comprehend its impermanence, is devastating. Devastating. So with that introduction, I want to give a little, tell the story of Patacara, who is a story many of you know. Patacara is one of our ancestors. Her name is, we chant every morning here. She lived at the time of Shakyamuni Buddha. And she...

[29:10]

grew up as a pretty well-to-do girl. Her family was a banking family. They were pretty wealthy, and so she didn't have many worries, except she had a big worry. Who was she going to fall in love with and marry? And so she She discovered that her parents had some idea about that. And this was typical and still, of course, the case in many parts of the world where the parents want to set up the marriage of their children. So when she was maybe, I don't know, maybe 16 or something like that, Her parents let her know that they had in mind that she was going to marry someone.

[30:16]

And she, however, had fallen in love with one of the servants they had in the house. And she decided to take the courageous step of eloping. So she and her lover eloped. And they had to travel some distance to another town so that her parents wouldn't find them. And so they did that. And they went to some other town and they found a way to survive. And financially, they were able to survive. And then she had a child. But when she was, she knew she was, of course, about ready to... to have this child and she thought now I should go back actually I should go back to my parents it is traditional it was traditional at that time to go back and and have the support of your family for a woman giving birth to have the support of her family she wanted to go back but she couldn't talk her her husband into going back he was too fearful of what would happen to him

[31:40]

So she had the baby, and the baby grew up to be a couple of years old, and then she was pregnant again and had another thought. Well, this time I'm definitely going to go back. My parents will have to accept us now, right? I have a two-year-old and a new baby. And it's true, you know, many... Grandparents are much more forgiving when there's grandchildren. I know that from my own experience, too, actually. But that's another story. So she talked her husband into it this time. And so just before, but it took a lot of persuading. And so it was pretty late. She was very close to the due date.

[32:44]

And she had a sense of when she was going to be giving birth. And so they set out to make them by foot, to make the trip back. And they had to just kind of camp out a couple of nights. And... And a big storm came up, and so they were trying to make some primitive shelter, and her husband went out and said, well, this camp here, and he went out to bring some materials to make a little shelter. But when he was out collecting branches and things, he was bitten by a poisonous snake. and collapsed and died. But she didn't know that. She was there and waiting for him to come back, and he didn't come back.

[33:44]

So she didn't know whether he had chickened out and just left or what. But the storm was coming in, and so she basically could just huddle over her little two-year-old through a whole rainy, stormy night. In the morning, when it became daylight, the rain stopped and she could see. She was looking around and then she saw the body of her husband. Oh, I forgot one important thing. She also gave birth that night. She gave birth that night. During the storm. So she was protecting her little two-year-old and giving birth to an infant and the storm was raging. And then in the morning, she had a true story. But in the morning, there she was, dead husband, infant, and two-year-old.

[34:53]

And so she had nothing to do but continue to go back now to where her home village was, hometown was. So she set out, little toddler coming along and carrying her new infant, and came to this river that had been swollen by the rains of the night before. And so she thought she couldn't carry them both across. So she decided she would take the baby across, the new baby across first. put it on the other bank and then come back and get the two-year-old. So she had the two-year-old stay right here and wait. Mommy will come back and get you. And so she went across, put the newborn on the one bank and started wading back across the river. And then she noticed this eagle had discovered her infant there and was swooping down toward it. And she started yelling at the bird.

[35:55]

And the two-year-old thought that His mother was calling him, so he jumped in the river and was carried away, and the eagle carried away her infant. So all that happened in just a few seconds. She's devastated by this loss. continues across, but what could she do? She continues across the river now, stumbling along, seeking refuge back in her hometown, she thought, well, I have no place else to go. And then when she got to her, the first person that she met In her hometown, she asked about her parents, because she hadn't had any news of them for several years.

[37:03]

She said, you know, how are the people in this family? And the person that she met said, oh, it's a terrible thing. It's a terrible tragedy. But the big storm last night caused the roof of their house to collapse. And they were killed here, the parents. All the children in that house were killed by the roof collapsing. So unimaginable tragedy. And at that point, she went mad. She could not. She could not maintain any kind of sense of And so she just wandered around, stunned, out of her mind.

[38:04]

So the Buddha and the Sangha were gathered. Rainy season retreat, not so far away, as it turns out. And she, in her roaming around. I can imagine, you know, like a picture of a mad woman, right? Crying, talking to herself, whatever, muttering. And at some point she approached where the sangha was gathered and some people trying to keep her away. But The Buddha noticed her and said, Sister, recollect your mind. Collect your mind. And she kind of stopped her raving.

[39:15]

And someone, one of the monks, gave her his outer robe. because she was basically naked. She had torn off her clothing. And so the name Padakara means cloak walker. Then she was walking around with this cloak. And she said to the Buddha, Kind teacher, can you help me? And he said, I cannot help you. You shed more tears than there is water in the oceans. I have nothing that I can tell you about grief.

[40:16]

There is, yet I can offer you a path. And the path is right here to come and see. And so she joined the sangha. The women's sangha took her in. And she took up the practice of mindfully being aware of what's happening to her. So this, then after some time, we don't know how long, she actually herself had this realization and wrote this, her enlightenment poem. So the enlightenment poem goes like this. When they plow their fields and sow seeds in the earth, when they care for their wives and children,

[41:24]

Young Brahmins find riches. But I have done everything right and followed the rule of my teacher. I'm not lazy or proud. Why haven't I found peace? Bathing my feet, I watched the bathwater spill down the slope. I concentrated my mind the way you train a good horse. Then I took a lamp and went into my cell, checked the bed and sat down on it. I took a needle and pushed the wick down. When the lamp went out, my mind was freed. So this is Patacara's enlightenment poem.

[42:30]

This is in the Therigatta, verses from the women elders. And Susan Mercott and Deborah Hopkinson did a lot of translations of that. So you can look at the book, Early Buddhist Women, for Patacara's story, and this poem. So this poetic statement first refers to the life that she lost, right? There is an element of comparative thinking in there, right? When they, those other people, when they do things right, they plow their fields and they harvest, they have riches. But I, it didn't work out that way for me. I've lost everything. And so is there something wrong with me?

[43:32]

I'm not lazy. I'm not proud. And I've been following this practice, following the rule, following the teaching of the Buddha. So why haven't I found peace? So this deep anguish, deep suffering. But the sense is that she continues, she's continuing on this path of practice. And there's a beautiful, the beautiful image of mindfulness in there to me is bathing her feet, she's taking care of her feet, taking care of her body. And then the bathwater, I watched the bathwater spill down the slope. This is an image of attention, of mindfully observing this.

[44:35]

And you might just picture it, the water flowing and entering the earth. And then she goes into her little room and she checks the bed. And checking the bed, she's ready for bed. And so this, taking a needle and pushing down the wick, so you can imagine the lamp with a, like an oil lamp with a little wick. Thank you, kitchen. So the needle, taking the needle is also, this is an image of focused attention. So there's a sense of precision that's in that image, the flame, the lamp. She's taking care of everything.

[45:38]

She's sitting down the edge of the bed, so something kind of settled, and she takes the needle and pushes the wick down. And so pushing the wick down, of course, it goes back into the oil, and the flame goes out. entering the dark entering the darkness her mind is freed so this is entering not knowing being willing to be completely present having taken care of All the practice for that day. Completing that day's practice. And this sense of she doesn't know.

[46:47]

She's been doing this maybe day after [...] day. On this day, on this day, her mind is freed. So working with grieving, profound challenge. Sometimes when people come and take up the practice, People don't necessarily know what grieving needs to be done. Sometimes something comes up in zazen or something comes up in the practice and you don't really understand your relationship at first. So the resistance to the

[47:53]

painful sensation in the body and the confusion in the mind is usually with grieving is a kind of bewilderment. It can't be, right? It can't be. What I have been so attached to and dependent upon and imagined would be the way I imagined it would be and it would continue and now it's I can't be. I can't believe it. So that kind of bewilderment and the kind of just coming face to face with one's delusion about permanence and impermanence. So this can be all kinds of things. There could be a death, of course. It could be a loss of a friendship.

[48:56]

It could be a change of a friendship, from one kind of friendship to another kind of friendship. Oh, I thought it was like this. Now I feel hurt. I thought you would be nicer to me than that. But it's the loss of one's own idea. These things don't exist. So it's taking up the practice of acknowledging one's own contribution to substantializing and creating delusion. So the first stage of grieving is really bewildering. I can't believe it. And then sometimes there's a lot of anger with that. It should not be like this.

[49:57]

It should be the way I believed it was going to be. Or it is. Sometimes a lot of anger. And that could be directed at all kinds of, could be directed at other people, could be directed at the universe, could be directed at God. How could this be allowed to happen? So again and again coming back to this breath, this present moment, this breath, this present moment. This focused awareness in the present moment allows the transformation of what's in the whole field. You don't have to do it. You don't have to. You don't have to manipulate it. It will transform. as you are continuing to bring yourself back to present moment awareness.

[51:05]

So in the case of loss and grieving, you might have a lot of catching up to do. Most people are not so up to date with grieving. So I mention it because it tends to come up in practice period and it tends to come up in sashin. Oh, there are these things that don't seem right. Or I have issues with this or that. So some aspect of that is what we... what we call grieving. And again, you don't need to do it so much as to be willing to do it. To be willing to just simply allow the information that's arising just to be there. So this is the field of mindfulness.

[52:14]

And sometimes there is some real work to be done. Sometimes Sometimes it needs more than what can, I'd say, be accomplished just sitting zazen imperfectly. And so sometimes we do other rituals to support the process. But the essence of it is right here, moment by moment, recognizing each moment only happens once and is gone. So, thank you for listening. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma.

[53:22]

For more information, visit SSCC.org and click giving.

[53:28]

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