Good evening. this time of year at Tassajara there is such a mixture of people here and I think it's not just in my imagination but actually going through a real variety of things you know there are the wonderful people who come to the work period who come to help us at this time of year And a number of them have been here many, many, many times.

[01:05]

They, except for me and maybe Greg, they might be the most, and maybe Carolyn, they might be the most senior people at Tassajara. They know Tassajara and they love it. And then there are some work period people who are here for the first time and who might... be quickly joining the ranks of those who come often. I imagine that most of those people are having a pretty good time, that they've just been out there in the world where it's pretty messy and a lot's going on, and here they are in beautiful Tassajara, and I hope that's so. Then there are... Then there are, let's see, which group shall I talk about next in my imagination? There are the, let's say, new students who have come to be here for a while.

[02:09]

And they could be, any number of things could be happening with them because they might have had some really different idea about what Tassajara was going to be and they're already disappointed. Or they might be really scared because they've signed up for a kind of big thing. You might be really scared. Signed up for kind of a major something, whatever it is. And maybe you're not really sure if you can do it or if you really want to do it. And what is it anyway? There's that group. And some of those might be very happy too. I hope so. And then there are those of us who just came out of the practice period. a lot of whom have major responsibility now for this big event heading our way the summer and even right now during the work period to get ready for it and to train new people and everything.

[03:11]

And almost all of those people are in jobs they've never been in before. So if you've ever started a new job, you might remember that it can be pretty intense in the beginning. And I would say that's going on for a lot of people here now. And then there's this funny thing. I should maybe apologize right now. For those of you who have heard me talk, you might have heard all of this talk before. So too bad. This funny thing, which is especially your first one or two spring work periods after the practice period. At least in my experience, there's this field... Anyway, let me tell you about my first practice period. My first... It wasn't a work period, because back then we didn't have work periods. That brilliant idea, thank you, whoever it was, I think it was Blanche and Keith, came up with this idea to have a work period where people would come help us.

[04:22]

And I think it was about the mid-'80s, when we were the first time rebuilding the old bathhouse. And a bunch of people wanted to come help with that, and anyway, it turned into this work period, and then we got the idea, oh, we should do that in the spring, too, when we're really working. But before that, back in 1976, I think, I had done my third practice period, but it was my first summer, and I was asked to be head of cabins. And it wasn't a work period. There was just us here. There was nobody who knew how to do anything. I mean, maybe some of those new people were coming in did, but they weren't on my crew. I was supposed to be the head of cabins. And back in those days, another brilliant idea that we hadn't had yet, to leave the furniture in the cabins. Instead, every fall at the end of the summer, we would take places

[05:23]

all the guest furniture down to the lower barn, scratching it and making a mess of it as we moved it down there. And then in the spring, we'd have to move it all back up into the cabins. So me and my little crew of inexperienced people who mostly didn't even know how to drive the truck were moving this furniture. And we were trying to get the cabins ready, and the thing I remember the most was we were trying to paint the bathroom in stone four. And it got worse and worse and worse day by day. It seems simple now, right? You just ask Kim. Paint the bathroom. But back then, you know, you had to try to find somebody who knew how to paint, and then, ugh. Anyway, it was a mess. But I was really loving it. I was loving not having to sit all day. You know, we just had sat a sashin and everything looked beautiful like it does now.

[06:24]

It was spring and there was lots of energy. And so I was out there like all day long, you know, moving furniture and telling these people what to do and trying to paint this bathroom over and over again. And I was enjoying trying to be nice to people in the midst of that. And then I was living up on the hill. And I would go home for any break, you know, after breakfast, after lunch, after tea, and burst into tears. I'd walk in the room and I'd just be sobbing. Just, you know, this grief at the, I think it was, I mean, there was probably just a lot of tension. And, you know, how are we going to do this? But a lot of it felt like this, you know, this thing that we had had, this practice period that we'd had that was now, like, gone. was not findable. And this kind of empty spot inside me where that had been, this world that we'd made that was now gone. So that's another thing that might be going on for some people here.

[07:29]

So what are we doing here? What is Tassajara? What is the practice here? And there are many, many things that could be said about that. And tonight I'm just going to say just a few things. And the main one, I guess, it would be, we're here to study the self. You know, Dogen, who started this form of Buddhism, said to study Buddhism is to study the self. And it's not, we don't study the self, you know, back when, I don't know if people even say this anymore because meditation is so much more common these days, but back when I first came to Zen Center in 1971 or something, people would say things about meditation like, oh, that's just navel-gazing. If anyone who's lucky enough to be able to see their navel when they're sitting like this. But anyway, that is not the study of the self I'm talking about.

[08:38]

It's not like I'm just going to pay attention to me and not anything else. It's not that study of the self. So it's not to cut yourself off from other things. It's rather... And sometimes people think of Buddhism as, say that Buddhism is about not having a self at all. That's not it either, actually. Buddhism doesn't say that we don't have a self. It just says we don't have a self that you can get a hold of, that you don't have a self that you can find out what it is and hold on to it. Rather, we have selves. We have a self right now, each of us, but it's changing. So this study of the self is in this world where we have a self that is completely connected. everything and each of us has a very unique self right now and right now and right now we each have these unique selves that are happening right here at this self is the best maybe well I wouldn't say the only but one of the best ways to

[10:03]

Find out what is going on. How does this world work? How do we actually create less suffering instead of more suffering? How do we do that in our life? What is suffering? What is the suffering that I'm feeling? What is the suffering I'm creating for other people? When do I do that? How do I make that suffering? Is there a way to not do that so much? To pull back on that. And the best place to find out about that, to find out about that intersection between this thing that each of us could call a self, a momentary self, and the whole rest of the universe is right here. To study this place, this being. And Tassajara is, I think, really set up to support us to do that. To... Support us to simplify our life enough so that we can notice what happens.

[11:09]

You know, what happens over here in my various interactions. But sometimes we notice when suffering has been created. You know, then we suddenly notice like, oh, I hurt. Something happened here. So at that moment, to come back to this self. And try to find out what's happening over here. I would say there may be three guidelines or something that I'll mention tonight about how to do that. One is to actually find this being. To find this being. Find this being physically. To... That may sound simple, and I think for people who do sports or dance or something like that, maybe that comes naturally to them after a while.

[12:09]

For me, when I came here, in a way, I didn't even know that that was possible. All my antenna were going out for, like, how are they, what do they think, do they like me? And the thought that actually my mind could come over here and settle on this body and mind I don't know, it just hadn't occurred to me. But this practice of zazen, of sitting, really helps that to happen. It really, over time, brings your mind back to this place. And I think also the life here at Tassahara helps that to happen, without as much distraction. Maybe with nature so... completely around us, and that helps it happen. So that's number one, to actually find this being, this particular being that each of us is uniquely, uniquely connected to.

[13:13]

Nobody else has the relationship with the universe that you have. You have a particular relationship with the universe. So nobody else can study the universe, Buddhism, yourself, but you. The second thing is, so first in that first one, in finding the self, try to notice your internal world and your external world. Try to notice them, you know, numerous times during the day. Don't get too caught up in one or the other. Try to actually be there present in each of them. That's finding yourself, not finding yourself isolated from things, but finding yourself in the situation that you're in. So try to notice, oh, I'm cutting carrots. Oh, I'm talking to this person. Oh, and I feel something. I mean, you can give it words or not, but the words are not so important, but to actually have that experience of noticing that.

[14:21]

And then the second thing is to, even though we're finding our internal world and thinking is definitely a part of our self, how each of us think, our unique way of thinking, don't be fooled by your thinking. It's not to make thinking go away, but thinking is very tricky. It's actually not very tied to our body. I mean, it is actually, but it doesn't think it is. It thinks. I'm not very happy here. Let's go to France. Or somewhere. Somewhere better than here. Let's go. Okay, let's go. And then it can just go. Or it can be in a situation and it can think, that person's doing that wrong. That's what's wrong here. And they must think they're much better than I am. They're looking at me that way. And it can be a whole story that makes complete sense. from the point of view of your thinking. I would say, don't be fooled by it.

[15:23]

If you want to know what the other person is thinking, you actually have to ask them. And you have to ask them in a way that they will actually want to answer you. So, you know, there could be a problem. You can see there's a problem, and you can definitely feel there is a problem. But if you start answering what the problem is from somebody else's point of view or what they're doing, it's going to... It's going to add a lot of confusion that's actually going to keep you from being there for the part of the universe at that moment, the part of that situation that you can be the most intimate with. So come back, find what's going on. One thing that this leads to is a whole lot of not knowing. A whole lot of, it doesn't lead to more not knowing, it just leads to admitting the not knowing that's there instead of pretending like I know. what's wrong here, or what's going on, what that person should do. It's like, okay, I don't know.

[16:25]

And then the third thing is to notice tightening in your body. Tightening is a kind of grasping, and it can be, you know, even very subtle tightening. You know, like even this idea of studying the self may cause a certain amount of tightening in you. Just the thought of, how do I do that? Maybe a tightening. So to just notice when that comes up, it's a good clue to not knowing, to things that we don't know, but that we could be close to. I'm hoping to get done with this talk in time so you can ask me questions if you have any. But for now, I'm just going to plow right ahead. So having said all that, this is kind of like the most important part of the talk.

[17:34]

If you're here at Tassajara, I'm not totally sure how it works for people who are here for a really short time, but I think it does actually work for them too, for you too. But certainly for those who are here longer, You don't have to worry about whether you're doing that or not. If you just follow the schedule, come sit zazen, follow the schedule, do the program, actually it starts to happen. Somehow we settle in and we're more able to notice that we don't know, to notice that our thoughts can say some pretty confusing things. to actually be there present, notice the tightening, and to start to experience a possibly different way of being in a situation where you actually can see, oh, oh, I am, I'm hurting myself when I think that way.

[18:38]

And then I'm hurting that other person too. Could I do it different? Is there some way to do it different? So to just Just do the life here, and actually it will start to happen. And still, we can talk about how do I do it? I want to recite, if I can. If not, I've got it written down here, a poem, which I think speaks to this, too. It's called The Verse. From the first story, there's a book of, you know, the... I have no idea what all of you know about Zen, but there's two different kinds of Zen. And the other kind of Zen, not the kind we are, the main practice in this kind of Zen is called Zazen, sitting. The other kind of Zen has a practice of koans, Zen stories, and they actually focus on those stories. But this kind of Zen, Soto Zen, also has stories, and there's a whole book of them that has 100 stories in them.

[19:45]

and commentaries on it and all that. So the first story in that book, this is the verse that goes with that story. The unique breeze of reality. Can you see? I don't know. I've had this memorized for years, but now I'm old. The unique breeze of reality. Can you see? Continuously, creation runs her loom and shuttle, weaving the ancient brocade, incorporating the forms of spring. As the woof goes through the warp, the weave is dense and fine. One continuous thread comes from the shuttle, making every detail. How can this even be spoken of on the same day as false cause or no cause? The unique breeze of reality, can you see?

[20:50]

This, I think, is talking about just what I was saying, like each day, each moment, but each being is unique. You can only study the world from your standpoint. Nobody else can. If we're going to try to lessen suffering in the world, you actually have to do your part. For the world, you have to find out what is suffering in your little spot. How does suffering happen there? Unique breeze of reality. Continuously, creation runs her loom and shuttle, weaving the ancient brocade, incorporating the forms of spring. So even though it's unique, it's still an ancient, ancient story. This world that we are part of and this suffering that we're part of creating and hopefully lessening has been going on for a long time.

[21:53]

It actually has a way of being, a way of reacting to things and tensing up around things and protecting things. It's something that if we find it out for ourselves, we'll actually know much, much more about the people around us and the world around us. When we understand how suffering happens here, it's not like we know the details of somebody else's suffering, but we can see that it's happening. So this ancient brocade, as the wolf goes through the warp, the weave is dense and fine. This is saying how connected we are. It's like there isn't any space between us and... the rest of the world. When you have a bad day, something about that rubs off on me, and especially if we happen to be standing next to each other.

[22:55]

But if not, then you're standing next to somebody else, and eventually it gets to everybody. So the weave is dense and fine. One continuous thread comes from the shuttle. How can this even be spoken of on the same day as false cause or no cause? So we can think, if we find ourselves in a difficult situation, we can think, this should not have happened. There was a false cause involved here. They should not have said that to me. I should not have said that to them. We shouldn't have had that for breakfast. They should have done a better job of, you know, there's... Or I don't know, many, many, many things. My parents shouldn't have brought me up in this way. There's plenty of blame to go around. This is saying there's no false cause. There's no no cause.

[23:56]

Actually, our life comes from our life. We have, and that's not like it's our fault. It's called, in Buddhism, it's called dependent core rising. It means this moment comes from everything. And this moment in my life comes from everything, everything, and it also comes from the rest of my life. And the next moment is going to come from everything and this moment. So there's no false cause. There's no no cause. This moment, we're actually involved in making the next moment from this unique, completely connected spot that is called the self. So that's what I think we're here to do this summer, this work period, this tonight and tomorrow.

[24:57]

And we do have some time. So does anyone have anything that they would like to ask or bring up? Yes, Ron. Well, about Zazen and the big mind and the small mind. Yeah. I mean, sort of, yeah. When the big mind is experiencing deep suffering and then we sit, is it the suffering of the big mind... What causes us not to be able to sit? Or is it the transmission of the suffering to the small mind, which stops us from being able to sit? So what do you mean by not being able to sit? Well, okay. Let's say that I'm sitting, but my shoulder's killing me.

[26:02]

Yes. Really bad. Yes. And so my mind, my small mind's like, oh, this hurts. Yes. And my mind keeps going back. Yes. Okay. I would say that is not not sitting. That actually is sitting. If your mind keeps going back to pain, either physical or emotional or whatever, and that's what's happening for you in that period of zazen, I'd say that's sitting. That's not a failure of sitting. That's actually sitting happening. And what's more, zazen happens not just when you're sitting here in this zendo or in your room or something. It's actually happening all the time. So zazen is much, much, much bigger than we think it is. It includes everything. And...

[27:04]

Yes. There you go. I'm saying it is. There's still what? I think there's a very positive, yeah. Yeah, you know, and, and, you know, you might decide you don't want to sit in that position anymore or, you know. Sometimes it's really good to sit through pain, and sometimes it's really good to move, but it can still be zazen. And since you brought up big mind and small mind, I just want to say, you know, Suzuki Roshi said that... Let's see, how do we put it? Big mind is knowing... In our normal mind, our normal small mind, supposedly, we can't know everything.

[28:08]

It's very limited to what we can know. And I can know some things and you can know some things. And the big mind is actually knowing that that's the way it is. Big mind is knowing that I only know some things. which is a little different than we sometimes think of big mind, where we might think, oh, big mind knows everything. But that's not what Suzuki Roshi was saying. Okay, we'll try that. I'm sitting, I'm in pain, and my big mind knows I'm in pain, but my small mind is like ratcheting away like a bulldog at fence, but you're saying that there's still a benefit in sitting in that situation.

[29:11]

There is still benefit in knowing the pain and knowing your response to the pain. Okay. I understand that, even though I kind of reject that. It's all right. I'm, I'm up here, so I get to say. For now. But actually, I don't want to be telling you this. I mean, I have to talk that way, right? Because here I am. I just, oh, I don't know. I don't know. But actually, what Buddha said is study it for yourself. So that's what I say. That's what I say from my experience. You're welcome. Anybody else? Yes. What about fear? Where does fear feel? Yeah. How real is it? How real is it? Yeah. Well, I think fear is real.

[30:13]

I think fear is the main thing that causes suffering for us. Actually, when we get down to it, we think we've got something that we're suffering about. I think when we look and look and look and look, that actually it usually comes back to fear. And the fear that it usually comes back to, again, look for yourselves, but is fear that, I mean, often in our blessed lives, you know, we don't have to fear right now anyway, bombs falling out of the sky or things like that. Often our fear comes down to fear that some idea I have of myself is being harmed in some way. Simple as that. Often for us. Not always. Sometimes we're actually afraid of some physical thing happening and then there are things that we might need to do about that.

[31:17]

But that fear that is so common for us that I have an idea of myself and it's being threatened in some way. That fear, I think, is so prevalent. And the fear is real, but the fact that an idea that we have of ourself might be threatened, you know, that's worth exploring always. How much should we go to arms for that? And would that help? And anyway, yeah, it's... It's a great question, especially to be explored in detail in our situations. Thank you. Anything else? Yes. Say that again.

[32:25]

Between what? Yes. And authentic expression in your head. Like, you know, I thought that meditation was, I mean, before, I thought that meditation in the beginning was about calming, you know, and being at peace. But I've been learning a lot about authenticity recently. And I felt like I allowed my voice today while sitting on a mat to rent. Like, I just allowed it to, like, I actually allowed it and not resisted it. Yes. And it was really painful. Yes. I, like, there was a little tantrum in my mind. Yes. But I actually felt relief when getting off the map. It was interesting. So I guess my question is, so I've allowed this voice in the head to do its thing.

[33:25]

But how do I, when I'm out in the world, like I'm out there doing stuff, how can I see it more? Because I do see these healing effects of letting it express itself, but how can I... How can I detach from it a little bit more? I mean, when we say the mind, you know, we act like, is it the same mind, the one you calmed and the one that you let talk?

[34:26]

Well, kind of, you know, but our mind is pretty complex, so we can do both those things. So it sounds to me like there was some calming of your mind-body, which, you know, happens to some extent just because you're sitting still, or, you know, sitting anyway, not moving around. But also, you know, because you've been doing it for a little while, and so there's some more stability from which to watch what, you know, what goes on if I let myself think what I think. And then, you know, what we notice is, oh, I think that. Be quiet here. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's, you know, it's a misconception that Zazen is about... making your mind be quiet it's not it's about listening to what goes on but from this calming place so I think that you you actually you will how to make yourself see it a little more when you're moving we don't know how to make ourselves do that but the fact that you've seen it you'll recognize it more readily when it starts to happen and again being here at Tassajara it's a good place to do that because it's a little less

[35:44]

complicated than it is out there in the world. Even though there's a lot of people and they're pretty close to you here in this valley and so a lot can go on. So, you know, it'll come up. I think you just will see it more. Thank you. Yes? Yeah. fears that other paths weren't going to fulfill us, other ideas weren't quite right, and the fear that those would lead us down in ways, and has led us into this moment to be listening and having this discussion. Thank you. Some, you know, different, who knows what people would say about their own, but for a number of people, I think that's true. and maybe fear turned in a slightly different way for some others.

[36:47]

Thanks. Okay, thank you all very much. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org. and click Giving.

[37:14]

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