There's really no idea of time, because time is something that has many facets. And although we say we know what time is, we only usually have a superficial idea of time or a one-sided idea of time, or we think that time goes in one direction. But I'm not going to talk about time today. But this is true. When you're totally involved with your activity, there's no idea of time. There's only the moment. Continuous time, mostly. When we sit zazen completely, it's continuous time. We don't

[01:07]

think in terms of moments, but as soon as you start thinking in terms of moments, you're lost. When will the bell ring? You're lost. When you are involved in an idea of time, today, tomorrow, or next year, selfish practice begins. Suzuki Roshi uses the word selfish a lot. He uses it when he means self-centered, and he uses it when he means that you are thinking about doing something in a self-centered way. So he uses the word selfish. I remember one of my very first sasheens, he said, in the middle of sasheen, he said, you don't know how selfish you are. And I thought, no, he must mean something else. But no, that's what he meant. What he meant was, you're thinking

[02:14]

of what you're doing as a selfish practice, doing something just for yourself. Actually, when we begin to practice, we have some idea of why we're practicing, and it's usually a selfish idea. I want something. But when our practice matures and turns around, we realize that our practice is not just something that we do for ourself. Then practice becomes enlightened practice, when we realize it's not just something that we do for ourself. But until we understand that practice is not just something we do for ourself, we have a lot of criticism and a lot of difficulty. So then he says, various desires start to

[03:25]

behave mischievously. You may think you should get ordained, or you worry about what your next step will be. Trying to become someone else, you lose your practice and you lose your virtue. When you are faithful to your position or your work, your true being is there. This is very important. When he says, you may think that you should get ordained or you worry about what your next step may be. If we practice in order to get somewhere, it's selfish practice. If we just practice to be in this moment, it's not selfish practice. That's why it's hard to understand what he may mean when he says, your practice is very

[04:26]

selfish. You want something. So it's a good idea, a wonderful idea, to want to be ordained. When Suzuki Yoshi was practicing, there were not very many people that were ordained. I think I was the fifth one, and I was ordained all by myself. And there were no other priests around. Richard was in Japan, Graham, Betsy was off in Japan somewhere. But people would ask him about it, about wanting to be ordained. And he would see that there was some gaining idea in their desire to want to be ordained, wanting to advance. You know, ordination is

[05:27]

not a prize. Ordination is not a reward for something. It's a way of life, and it's like giving up. It's a wonderful desire to want to be ordained. But we should know why we want to be ordained. We should be ordained for the right reasons. So what he's talking about here is that desire for the sake of self-advancement. So, you may think you should get ordained or you worry about what your next step will be. This is a very important point.

[06:33]

You worry about what your next step will be. You know, here we are at Tassajara, all during this practice period. Doesn't the thought ever come up for you, what's next? What shall I do next year? Or, you know, where does this lead? Where is this practice leading to? And we all want to be secure. We want to have some kind of security, some kind of direction in our life. Maybe I should go to college. Maybe I should finish college. Maybe I should go get a job. My parents put so much pressure on me. What should I do? They don't like what I'm doing. I mean, why don't you get married and have children? It's very hard to just

[07:38]

do one thing after another without having the view of where is it going? Where will I end up? What about my future? Those are all questions. Legitimate concerns. All legitimate concerns. But, in practice, you just do one thing after the next without thinking about where is it going. There is direction. There's always direction. If you know where you are, and know what you're doing, and feel that that's correct, then the direction will present itself. You don't really have to worry about the direction if you're totally immersed in practice and practice is your life. Because the direction will always present itself. And you'll know what to do.

[08:42]

As the clothing salesman says, I guarantee it. Confusion comes when you have choices. Many choices. Confusion comes. But when you only have one choice, there's no confusion. So, he said, when you're faithful to your position or your work, your true being is there. This is a very important point. Without having the desire to advance, we all have the desire to advance. You can't say that we don't have the desire to advance. We do. But we cannot be attached to the desire to advance. If we can turn the desire to advance to the desire to just be where we are and

[09:57]

express ourselves fully where we are, then advancement just happens. The fastest way to advance, so to speak, whatever that means, in Zen Center, is not to make an effort to advance. And then people say, what about that one over there? They're just really diligently doing their practice without making waves, without wanting something. Let's advance them. The way it works. And then someone will say, I've been here for so long and I never get to advancement. Nobody pays attention to me. That's because you're trying too hard to get somewhere. The more pressure you put, the more people say, mm-mm, back off.

[11:04]

But when you're just doing your practice without any idea of future, you advance very quickly at just the right pace. So he says, without any idea of time, your practice goes on and on, moment after moment, you become you yourself. This practice is not so easy. You may not be able to continue it for even one period of meditation. So he's talking to beginners in some way about beginner's Zazen practice. I have to say, when we first were practicing Zazen, it wasn't like people practicing Zazen today. There weren't so many students and nobody knew how to sit very well. And everybody had a hard time doing Zazen. We all sat with

[12:11]

excruciating pain, unlike the people of today. But we didn't have a lot of advanced students who really sat well. Nowadays, there are a lot of students who sit very well. And so when the new students come in and sit in the midst of those people with experience, they sit well too. Very different. It's interesting how that works. So he's talking about it may be difficult to sit through one period of Zazen. You're waiting for the bell to ring, and you lose your sense of presence. So you will need to make a big effort. Then you can practice extending this feeling, moment after moment. Eventually, it will extend to your everyday life. So he says, the way to extend your practice is to expose yourself. If you

[13:19]

are, without trying to be someone else, or without trying to get someplace, without trying to put another head on top of your own. Expose yourself is interesting. He says, when you are very honest with yourself and brave enough, you can express yourself fully. Whatever people may think, it's okay. Just be yourself, at least for your teacher. That is actual practice, your actual life. Unless you trust your teacher, this is difficult. But if you find out that your teacher's spirit is the same as your spirit, then you will be brave enough to continue practicing in this way. So to expose yourself, you know, in Tathagatagarbha, whether we want to expose ourselves or not, we are all exposed. Sooner or later, we know who you are, and you know who we are. So you can't really hide, even though you hide. And if you hide, we

[14:24]

know who you are. You're the one who hides. So sometimes you have to argue with your teacher. That's okay, but you should try to understand your teacher and be ready to give up your argument when you are wrong, when you find yourself foolishly sticking to one point of view, or when you are making some excuse. So that is how to be honest with yourself, when you can give up, oh okay, I surrender, I'm sorry. That's when you can truly be yourself. You know the story about, I can't remember who the teacher was, maybe Hogan, who had a student. A student came to Hogan's, I always call him Hogan, monastery, and he was there

[15:28]

for three years, but he didn't see Hogan. So one day Hogan called him in and said, you've been here for three years, but you've never come to see me. And the student said, well, I didn't think it was necessary to see you because when I was with my other teacher, I got the point. And Hogan said, oh, well, how did that happen? He said, well, when my teacher asked about the nature of, the nature of the fire, understanding Buddha nature, I gave him my answer. And Hogan said, well, what

[16:31]

was your answer? He said, the fire boy seeks fire. Hogan said, well, I'm sorry, but if that was the answer, Zen would never have lasted until this day. And the student was very dejected, and he said, I'm getting out of here. So he left the monastery, and as he was walking down the road, he said, you know, this guy is the teacher of a thousand students, maybe I was a little hasty. I'll go back and see him. So he came back and he bowed and apologized. He said, I'm sorry for my hasty arrogance. And he said, what is your answer to this question? And Hogan said, the fire boy seeks fire. And the student got enlightened because he totally gave up, totally gave up.

[17:45]

So, you and your teacher are aiming to have perfect communication. For a teacher, the important point is always to be ready to surrender to his disciple. When a teacher realizes he is wrong, he can say, oh, you're right, I was wrong. If your teacher has that kind of spirit, you will be encouraged to admit your mistake as well, even when it is not so easy. So, if you continue this kind of practice, people may say, you're crazy, something is wrong with you, but it doesn't matter. So, a teacher should be able to see when the student is correct. Suzuki Roshi used to say, sometimes I'm the teacher and you're the student. Sometimes

[18:55]

you're the teacher and I'm the student. But even so, in this lifetime, I'm the teacher and you're the student. Next lifetime, you can be the teacher and I'll be the student. So, he says, we're not the same. Each one of us is different and each one of us has our own problems. Fortunately, you have the support of others who are practicing with you. This is not an umbrella to provide shade to protect you, but a space where you can have real practice, a space where you can express yourself fully. You can open your eyes to appreciate the practice of others and you will find that you are able to communicate without words. Sometimes we think of a practice place as a refuge, and Tathagata is a kind of refuge, especially in this day and age, but it's not a place to be complacent. It's

[20:02]

not a place to just rest. It's a place to find your true self and express your true self, which means, what is our true self? How do you express yourself? So, this is on various levels. One way to express yourself is your karmic expression, your ego self. We have to let our ego self be present in order to deal with it, but then our true self is also an expression. So, we say, ordinary mind is the way. Well, what does ordinary mean? That's a deep question, ordinary. I won't go into it now, but ordinary mind is a deep question. True expression is just to be open, without anything at the bottom

[21:12]

of the heart, just to be receptive and to be responsive. To be receptive and to be responsive, you express yourself fully. He says, and you would be able to communicate without words. That's true. A question came up the other day about silent practice. Sometimes we practice silently, and sometimes we practice with words. If we say, well, we should all be silent, that's the tyranny of silence. We should also know how to practice with words. Suzuki Roshi did not say we should have a silent monastery. Sometimes we practice in silence, and sometimes

[22:20]

we practice with words. And we have to know how to practice with words, without intruding on silence. So, within silence, words are an intrusion. Words break the silence. How do you express yourself with words without breaking the silence? Silence is always there, and words are always there. I had a jesha when I was the director in 1972 or 3, a famous jesha called David Chadwick. He took a vow of silence. Suzuki Roshi didn't want him to take a vow of silence, because nobody, if he took a vow of silence, everyone should take a vow of silence. We weren't taking vows, but he did it, and it was the noisiest practice

[23:27]

period. I can't hear you. You want me to speak louder? Is that what you said? I don't know who's speaking to me. It was the noisiest practice period. So, it's interesting. When we're supposed to be silent, we should be silent. And we should also correct people like, please don't speak to me now. Sometimes we have to talk, even within the silence. So being silent doesn't mean never to say anything. It means to keep the attitude of silence. Sometimes we have to say something. So we say it in a way that's not intrusive. You know,

[24:34]

if you walk in the door when zazen is going on, you should not intrude into the space, but you have to walk in. So you walk in in a way that's not disturbing the atmosphere of the zendo, and take your seat. You don't walk as fast as you can to get to your seat because that disturbs the atmosphere of the zendo. So you have to be very self-conscious and take slow steps, walk into the zendo, because your presence is there. You can't hide your presence by going real fast. It doesn't work. So he says, Our way is not to criticize others, but to know and appreciate them. That's an interesting

[25:42]

sentence. Wonderful. How do we appreciate people that we have a critical eye toward? Some people, you know, piss us off. Some people we have problems in trouble with. But how do we appreciate them at the same time? I've had dharma brothers that I've practiced with for years and years, thirty-five, forty years, that, you know, we've had problems with each other. But at the same time, over this long period of time, we appreciate each other underneath all that very much. Because our vow, actually, is to work with each other. So, although our

[26:53]

vow is to work with each other, we have different views, different ways of doing things, and we criticize each other. But, along with the criticism is a deep appreciation. So, when we have contention, we should also have compassion. Otherwise, it just becomes, you know, we anger, or it just becomes delusion. So, at the same time we have contention, the desire to support and help is at the foundation. How can I help that person? How can I help

[27:58]

them? So, sometimes you may feel you know someone too well, and you have difficulty appreciating them because of your small mind. That's very true. Because you know them so well, you expect them to always act the way that you expect them to act. And because you expect them to act that way, they do. So, if you continue practicing together and your mind is big enough to expose yourself and to accept others, naturally you'll become good friends. So, to know your friend is to know something beyond yourself, even something beyond your friend. There's something much deeper than even the two of you. So, you know,

[29:02]

when you have some criticism of others, you always have to look at yourself. Well, what about me? So, we often, the people that we criticize the most are often those who are like myself, and so I see myself in that person, and I'm criticizing myself by extension. Sometimes we want to punish somebody. We have this idea of punishment because we really want to punish ourselves, and so we extend that to someone else. We have to be very careful So, the important thing is really to accept our own self. Exposing means to accept our own limitations, to accept our own, what we consider to be false, and to accept the way

[30:02]

others see us and perceive us. And when we can do that, then we can more easily accept others. When you admit that you have every fault that everyone else has, everyone, without exception, then you can appreciate everyone and accept everyone. But if you feel, I'm good and you're bad, that's just delusion. If I see a fault in you, I know that I also have that fault. We may not think so, but it's so. Even though we don't have that fault expressed, it's always latent within us. So, you have to be your own friend. That's very important.

[31:10]

Do you like yourself? Even though you don't like yourself, be your own friend. Then you can be a friend to someone else. You can't extend something to someone that you don't have. So, one of the delusions that we have is that if you don't like yourself, you can't love yourself. It's self-love. But at the same time, you have to love yourself. Then you can extend that to others. But if you only have it for yourself, that's called selfishness, or narcissism, or whatever. So, you constantly have to give it away. That's called dana.

[32:13]

So, you're always emptying yourself. And when you empty yourself, you become full. That's called true generosity. And it's called renewal, because you can't become renewed unless you give everything away. And the more you give away, the more you have, the more energy you have. The harder you work, the more energy you have. If you withhold your energy, then you get stale, because energy has to move. If it's not moving, it atrophies, and then you get stale, and then you have health problems, mental problems, emotional problems. So you may say that when you are practicing zazen, no one can know your practice. But for me, that is the best time to understand you. You may feel that I'm sitting here all

[33:23]

by myself in this posture. How can anybody understand me? You say, well, that's the best time for me to understand you. When you sit facing the wall and I see you from behind, it is especially easy to understand what kind of practice you have. Sometimes I walk around the meditation hall so that I can see you. This is very interesting. If you're dancing or talking or making a big commotion, it's rather difficult to understand you. But when we're sitting together, you each sit in your own way. So even though we're doing exactly the same thing, each one of us stands out as an individual. We all have our black robes on, same clothes, but each face, each posture is totally unique, and we stand out that way

[34:24]

because we're all wearing the same clothes. And it is interesting. When I walk around and look at your back, your back is very revealing. We should all take turns walking around looking at everybody's back. It's a big mistake to think that the best way to express yourself is to do whatever you want, acting however you please. This is not expressing yourself. When you have many possible ways of expressing yourself, you may not be sure what to do, so you will behave superficially. If you know what to do exactly and you do it, you can express yourself fully. If you know exactly and you don't have any doubt, and you're not vacillating and just do what's in front of you, you express yourself fully. That is why we follow the forms. You may think that you cannot express yourself without a particular

[35:27]

form, within a particular form, but when we are all practicing together, strong people will express themselves in a strong way, kind people will express themselves kindly. When we pass the sutra cards along the road during service, you each do it in your own way. The differences among you are easy to see because the form is the same, and because we repeat the same thing over and over and over again, we can understand our friends' way eventually. Even if your eyes are shut, you know, oh, that was so-and-so. This is the advantage of having rules and rituals. Without this kind of practice, your relationships with people will be very superficial. If someone wears a beautiful robe, you will think he must be a good priest. If someone gives you a beautiful thing, you will think that she is very kind and that she is a wonderful person. That kind of understanding is not so good.

[36:30]

Just because a person wears a nice robe, doesn't mean they are a nice person. Just because someone gives you something, doesn't mean that that's such a good thing. Usually our society works in a superficial and frivolous way, and it certainly does. The controlling power of money or some big fantasy. Our eyes and ears are not open or subtle enough to see and hear things. I could expand on that for a long time, but I won't say anything. Most people who visit Zen Center find it a strange place. They don't talk so much. They don't even laugh. What are they doing? Those who are accustomed to big sounds may not notice, but we can communicate without

[37:37]

talking so much. We may not always be smiling, but we feel what others are feeling. Our mind is always open and we are expressing ourselves fully. We can understand this practice, extend this practice to city life and be good friends with one another. Just being yourself and being ready to understand others is how to extend your practice into everyday life. We don't know what will happen. If you fail to express yourself fully on each moment, you may regret it later, because you expect some future time, you miss your opportunity now, and you are misunderstood by your friend. Do not wait to express yourself fully. I knew a student who had dokasan with Suzuki Roshi, and Suzuki Roshi knew this student pretty well, and the student was saying, Suzuki

[38:43]

Roshi said something about what he should do, and the student said something like, Well, I'll do that tomorrow. And Suzuki Roshi said, You think there's a tomorrow? He got enlightened at that point. Sometimes, you know, it's hard to accept ourselves. When we work with somebody, we're all different. Some people are fast, some people are slow, some people are competent, some people are incompetent, some people are young, some people are old. You know, an older person working with a younger person may feel that it's hard to keep up, working at the same pace, and then they feel, people will think I'm old. Yes,

[39:46]

you are old. That's very hard to accept. It's hard to accept that you're old. People are starting to tell me I'm old. It's hard to accept, because I don't feel old, and my energy is good, you know, and I actually work faster than most young people. But to hear people say, Oh, you're old, is difficult to accept, but it's necessary. So sometimes now I say, Well, you know, I'm pretty old. I have to say that in order to accept that role as an old person, I remember that when I was 65, or 60, a long time ago,

[40:48]

I stopped in from Tassajara. I stopped at a Denny's, and on the menu it said, Senior's Lunch. I said, Oh, I'll get a Senior's Lunch. You know, why not? It's cheap. And it was a baby plate. It was a child's plate. So, you know, I stopped doing that. But sometimes I get into a movie, you know, and say, One Senior and One Student. Like, my son will be with me, he's a student. I'll say, One Senior and One Student, and we both get in cheap. And then, there's a lot of perks, you know, to being old. And people say, How can I serve you? I never want anybody to do anything for me. I don't like that. But I have to tolerate

[41:57]

a Jishin and an Anja, for their sake. But I have to say that I rely on my Anja. I totally give myself over to relying on my Anja. And it's great, because it helps our relationship. He does his job, and I do my job. And I don't interfere with his job. I once had an Anja, who, I used to, she'd make the bed, you know, and I'd stand on the other side, and I'd see that, you know, I'd help her, you know. And she'd say, Stop! This is my job. I don't want you to help me. And I'd say, Okay, that's pretty good, you know. This is her job, and my job is my job. So then I see my Jisha, present Jisha, making the bed, and I don't do anything. Anja. My Anja, excuse me. I don't do anything. But then, one time I did, you know, he said, Oh, thank you very much. So, it's interesting. And I totally appreciate

[43:06]

my Jisha, who is so sharp, you know. So I rely totally, you know. I don't think. I can stop thinking, and just be taken care of. It's kind of nice. But someday I'll have to start thinking again, taking care of myself. So, it's okay if you think I'm old, and tell me I'm old. I just totally accept it, even though I know I'm not. Thank you very much. Thank you.

[43:50]

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