This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. The other day I was talking to the students in one of our study... classes, I think it was just yesterday. I can't keep track of the days. It's just sun up, sun down. I see the movement of things. And talking about Buddhism and not using it and allowing it to have you. And so as we're going through these classes and the other classes that may happen, is to think of the teachings as developing a relationship with them. You know, like you would develop a relationship with anything else, and thus making the teachings your beloveds.

[01:05]

And so the new teaching, your new beloved, we're going to be introducing at this practice period is the study of the Yogacara. And this class hopefully It will be supplemental to our Monday night class with the Abbott's food. And so I'm hoping in this class, too, we'll do a little bit of experiential things that might help bring that teaching to your life and to your body and to your sense of being. And so I... I try to teach what I've experienced and what I've studied in the practice rather than just read it and then present it. And so for the Yogacara, it's like this big, and I'm right here with it. And I will share that part with you, which will take the six weeks, that little part that I'm with you.

[02:10]

So this first class is... We're going to have introduction and questions, and then there'll be four classes in between, and we're going to be focused on particular places in our lives, and the four classes. And then the sixth one will be a summary, and then maybe tying up any loose ends that may be kind of hanging gray. So a lot of what you might hear here, we'll be talking in the class on Monday as well, so it's okay. It's okay to bring both whether I can answer anything or not. We don't know. So it's all a discovery. And I always tell students answers are cheap and easy. So let's try to discover. Even I want to discover with you. So that's the process I like and enjoy and why I sit here. Not to be alone. some kind of icon as a master, you know, but really just trying to be together here in this world that we're living in.

[03:20]

Quite the feat, so congratulations for arriving. Thank you. So, yeah. There's a attendance sheet going around. Okay, all right. So please check out your name, and if you aren't on that sheet, you can add your name. Very clear, recognizable. Come on in. Come on in. I think we should squeeze it. Okay, there's a few chairs coming in on this side. You know, there is space right here, too. You know? Yeah, you can drink. Yeah. And a chair or two. Okay, a chair could go here too.

[04:22]

And then one over here. Okay, one there. Great. So in the beginning of the class, I would like to start out with what I call a little bit of Dharma rain. So just let this rain on you. Some of you have been reading this at noon service. We'll just kind of let it rain on you again. From the first time you meet a master, without engaging in incense offering, bowing, are chanting Buddha's name. Repentance, are reading scriptures. You should just wholeheartedly sit and thus drop away body and mind. Wholeheartedly sit and be present.

[05:25]

And I think the other name for this teaching, one is self-receiving and employing samadhi. And I think the other is Jijuyu Sanmai. Correct? Is that correct? which means freely receiving and functioning self. So in this, as we learn, just to allow the rain to pour on your life and be nurtured by that and see how much you grow or how much more cultivation you need, how much more fertilization you might need. So I wanted to tell you this little quick story about Vasubanzu or Vasubandu. He has two names. two ways of saying his name. I've been calling him Bhashubanzu most of my life, so that's I think one Sanskrit, right? Pali, yeah. Bhashubanzu is the Pali, right? And the Bhashubandhu is the Sanskrit. So, and he was from India and around in the third and fourth century

[06:38]

So as a person who's very relational, I said, well, who is this guy? You know, who is Bashuban? Why should we bother? And he's someone that I did in my early years, got attracted to his teachings. And so I thought this time around I'd try to see... exactly who he was. And so I started reading about him, and I said, man, this guy was a trip. He was so out there, I have to say, his character. So sometimes we think of teachers as being very pristine, very quiet, and especially in Zen. But he's not in the Zen world. He was in India, where they were going around during his time, wandering around, looking for teachings for their lives or being a teacher. You know, it was like this competitive situation in terms of who had the teachings, who were giving them teachings and how it was happening.

[07:42]

And so Vasubhansu was definitely part of this competition. And so he had heard about the teachings of the Abhidharma and decided he would go to, you know, learn about it and learn. And I'm going to give you all the names of the cities and places. And so he goes to the school to hear about it. He sits there and they're like, no, we don't think you can stay. You know, we don't, you know, because he's debating and he's debating from his particular school of Buddhism because there are many, many schools. And so he had a sort of very tight idea, you know, of what... the mind was and how we can look at it. And his tight idea was not accepted really. And at the school he went to where everyone was studying this new teaching, the Abhidharma, the Abhidharma, you know, the great teaching of the mind.

[08:45]

And so he was there long enough at the school before they kicked him out to learn it really fast. So he was very brilliant. He learned his whole, this Abhidharma takes a long time. He learned it very fast and left. And then so the people got like, okay, great, he's gone. Then they start going around and they're hearing this guy, Vashubanzu, teaching the Abhidharma, you know, to people. And they're going like, wait a minute. You can't teach the RV Dharma. You know, no one said you can do that. And he's teaching it. Not only is he teaching it, he's debating it. Like, he's tearing it down. Like, I wouldn't learn this stuff, and it's crap. And they're like, well, wait a minute. We let you into school. This is the teaching of the day. You know, whoa. And they said, you have to stop. And he said, I welcome anyone who wants to debate me. I welcome you. And so people are debating, debating, debating. So finally, at the same time, he's writing, you know, and he's studying more about even his idea.

[09:50]

And so he's studying and reading, and he decides this is a good way to synthesize and make it a summary of the Abhidharma teachings. And so he makes this summary of the teachings in 30 verses, right? Now, this is something that they have studied. He's taken this huge thing that I guess could probably fill this library and made 30 verses. You'll hear about his 20 verses, but that was before the 30 verses, so I won't get into that. But he does this 30 verse thing with the Abhidharma, and he shows it to them. And they're like, wow. They're like, that is cool. That's great, and they're impressed. Like, wow, he really got it all in there, and it's so much easier to study. and to teach. So he starts teaching it, and then others start debating him, because this is what goes on.

[10:53]

So you'll know this, like in the Tibetan tradition, you see they do debates, and this is some of what they're doing, is debating the teaching to see what new could come up out of what they've learned from their experience and what they've studied. Everybody's studying. And so he continues to present this study and, you know. And then he has a brother who's a half-brother named Asanga, which, you know, we'll keep talking about maybe. And so he comes to him and says, well, actually, he hears about his brother talking bad about his teachings. That's what really happened. Asanga's like, oh, my God, no, he's not talking about what I'm teaching. And what Asanga was teaching was the yokachara. was to take the Abhidharma and bring it into this broader Mayayana teaching, a greater teaching than the kind of tighter schools that Vashupanzu had come from, where everything was very tight.

[11:55]

And so a Sangha... There's two stories he comes down and talks to them. And another story is he sends his students. So I like the one where he comes down and talks to them. And Vasubhansu hears him chanting around the Yogacara. And he is like, oh, I think I get it now. I get what my brother was talking about. So he stops criticizing him. And his brother gives him these teachings, says, here, teach this. And so he begins to teach what his brother gives him on the Abhidharma, the Yogacara. And this becomes a lot of what we are studying today. And so it really is a Sangha and Vashubanzu together. And he takes it on. He stops criticizing his brother. And it's a new day. And so... So, Yogacara is considered part of the Mayayana tradition.

[13:00]

In Mayayana, sometimes you'll hear them say, that's the great vehicle, you know, the greater vehicle, the great way, vehicles away. And so, this great way doesn't mean it was better, you know, or superior. Or that Hinayana, which was another maybe area of schools, was considered sometimes lesser, but that didn't mean it was less than the greater. What they meant by greater is that it was vast, and it wasn't as small and tight as some of the teachings, the earlier kind of beginnings of Buddhism, the source Buddhism. Sometimes they call it, those were very particular. And then here comes some of these teachers, like Basu Banzu, who says, and kind of breaks it out. open and creates a more vast teaching, which would include more, I felt, to include more about how people live as opposed to just what people are thinking about certain things about life.

[14:04]

And that's how I see it, and that's just my experience of the studies. So, okay, yeah. So one of the books I like and I got many years ago, I understand, it's out of print. And this is by Thich Nhat Hanh, Transformation at the Base. And when I first read it, it was like, whew, it's too much. And then I actually had a chance to be in front of him while he was teaching it. And that was amazing. That when I really started to get how important these teachings, for me particular, in how they spoke to this book place of internalized oppression for my own life. You know, how it really had something that was very concrete. So he has the 50 verses, meaning he has the first 20 that Vashri Bansu wrote, and then this next 30 verses. And then I have to say that this is Thich Nhat Hanh's version of the Mahayana, you know, Abhidharma, you know, and because

[15:15]

There was a Chinese teacher, master, and I think his name was Wei Tuan. How do you say this? Is that the best? I'm not really good at Chinese. Wei Tuan, who came from China, too, to come hear these teachings, you know, the Abhidharma. And when he heard them, he wanted to translate them into the Mahayana, you know, even further. Like, he didn't feel like, oh, they missed the boat. It really isn't quite that. This is the way it went, you know, that you're missing the boat. Like you all would stand up and say, okay, Zinji, move over. I'm next. You know, so this is what's going on. And so they really, so China, the Chinese master, Wei Xun, came and studied and made an attempt to go further and bring it further out, the greater vehicle. Thich Nhat Hanh also probably didn't feel he made it either because he decided to do it again. So this is what this is about.

[16:17]

His dissertation is Let Me Take It Further. But he does talk a lot about this Chinese master in here in the beginning. So there's some things in here you're not going to maybe read in other books. So I really like that he talks about the history of this person. So, the book's out of print. I don't know about making some copies, maybe the introduction, because it does talk about the... Yeah, it might be in here somewhere. That would be great. So, anyway, transformation at the base is what he says, transformation at the base, and it makes sense to me. And, of course, I have my own definition of transformation, which we do when we come into the practice. We have ideas, you know, oh, transformation is... Oh, yeah, I remember studying that, and I read that book, and I read that book. How many have an idea of transformation in this room? How many people? How many people like to share their idea? Like maybe one or two people. Share your idea of transformation.

[17:19]

Yeah, brave. Using what you have and then allowing it to change or evolve. Okay, thank you. Any other ideas? Magic. Magic. Nice. Any other ideas? Now I know you're here to transform, so what are you doing? What are we doing? Letting go. Letting go. I don't know how to do it, but if I see a seed of anger, if there's a seed of anger... And I would like to transform it into peace. I'm here for that. Radical change. Radical change. Evolving into the light. Evolving into the light. So I was watching a documentary with Koji, you might know him, and it was about a Tibetan child who was found, and they were training him to be a llama,

[18:32]

And I said, we watched it. It was a great documentary. And I said, yeah, that was great, but I just don't believe it. And he said, what do you have to lose by being open to that sort of radical transformation? And I felt transformed in that moment. I was like, what do I have to lose? What am I afraid of in transformation? Good. What you just said. Someone said something about light. Let's see. We are studying Yogacara to discover the power of our light. I wrote that down. And then transformation can have many meanings. And even if you were reading also, some of us are reading Ben Connelly's book inside Yogacara. Vashagansa's teachings, and he talks about just transformations, just being the thing, the change, just change.

[19:36]

Things moving in, things moving out, just change. And also, so in this book, Transformation at the Base is written, means transformation in the depths of the store consciousness, because it is the base of all other consciousness. So transformation at the depths of the store consciousness is because it is the base of all other consciousness. So right there, we definitely are focusing in. The teachings have many, many areas in which you can look at. And I thought we would look at Stork Consciousness in several different ways in this class, personally and collectively, what that means. And if we're trying to get through this door consciousness, the next one I would like to look at of consciousness is the manas. And so these are being repeated, I'm sure, throughout our time here.

[20:41]

So, again, let it rain on you. Just like, you know, let it rain. And I was telling people, instead of trying to... catch the Dharma. You need a drink of water. Just let it rain on your head and see what it does to you without protection. Getting really wet. I thought that I'll talk a little tiny bit about store consciousness and see... I should stop at 8.30 or 8.40? Okay. So, in store consciousness, and this is going to be just a very simple, simplified explanation of it. So, there is a house, sometimes they call it a storehouse, in which we all have seeds.

[21:46]

You know, so... The storehouse is not the seeds. The seeds are the seeds. And the storehouse is the storehouse. It's that consciousness that comes from our past experiences. It may be even our past, our connection to the past before we were born. It could include that. But the past experiences, memories, the things that are imprinted, sometimes I say, on our bones. That's why this study really spoke to me. I said, oh yeah, I understand that now. I can land that into my life and know that there are things in my life that have been imprinted upon me. And then, so it's like a basket, and you have this big basket, that's the store consciousness. Then there's these seeds inside of them, and these seeds, you know, in them are different are varied. It could be anything.

[22:49]

It could be personal, very personal. It could be, uh, from, uh, family experiences, uh, community experiences, uh, society, or even, you know, right where we walk in our spiritual path could also be these seeds that could, they could be infinite. And so, um, I thought we would look at these seeds more deeply within ourselves, you know, like kind of take some time to look at the seeds that have been planted in the self that you may think of, that have been planted from your family experiences, planted from your community, and planted from society. So I ask you to start with self, not society. That one we get really quick. This is what happened to me here in this country. So we know this one. I want you to put that one down to the bottom for now.

[23:49]

That one people can articulate. It's easier because it's further out. But it's there. It's not as mean as anymore, you know. less impactful because it's further out. And so we're going to look at that and we're going to look at how the seeds interact and relate to conditioning. So why are we doing all of this? You know, it's like, wow, this is kind of like a lot. You know, I just really wanted to sit and be quiet and breathe and why are you talking to me, right? You know, I really need to relax. If you're doing that, then what are you practicing? You know, there is no practicing without really looking at one's life, you know, without going in. There's no practicing without studying the self, as we know. There is no practicing if you're just kind of hanging out, you know, and then, you know, something happens and you take a breath, I go get some cookies and...

[24:52]

We have good cookies, so it's easy to do. Go get some cookies or chocolate. You're not able to practice without seeing into your own life, without seeing the blocks and without seeing the ignorance. So even when we're speaking to each other, we're so certain of what we know and how we know it, and we're talking that way. But we haven't examined any of it, not lately. So especially if you've been saying some of the same things you've been saying in the last decade, Let's talk. That's why I call this class, why am I stuck? Let's talk about that place that we have landed and we still have some more places to go. But there may be some fear in that. And so we're looking at, and I put why am I stuck because that's what people say. But we're going to look at what is it that brings us to that place that we feel stuck. You know, that we feel like something's really gnawing at us. So when we're going to be looking at these different areas, the self and family, community, and society, we're going to look at what's the places in there that are gnawing at us, you know, that don't seem to, you know, shift.

[26:07]

You tried everything, behavior mod, acupuncture, you know. You've been sitting for 18 years. I'm sorry. You breathe, you breathe. Not that when you leave, that will stop. But maybe you'll have a little bit more understanding of oneself and how that is happening, what that process is. So while we kind of invite, we invite ourselves a lot to look at the process of our conditioning, so we invite that to look at that, But let's look at also the process of transformation at the base with our consciousness actually going in and seeing how that can shift. The one thing that I did when I came into Zen practice and I came in after 15 years of another practice, And having taught there and had a song there as well, came in to Zen square one sitting as a student, not letting anybody know I had all of that.

[27:15]

Because it didn't matter, really. And so the one thing that as I went along, because I realized that I came in with a lot of things in my mind that I wanted to work with. I didn't really, I had an idea what that was, but as they say, God did too. You know, sometimes my mother would say, God has an idea for you too. And so, of course, I ended up working on these deep, you know, areas of blogging and what was keeping me in one place. I definitely didn't want to walk out, come into Zen Center or onto the path. That's what I say. I almost didn't feel I came to Zen Center. You know, I came to the path of the teachings. And then there was Zen Center, you know, around me. It was like, oh, there's a center here, you know. But mostly I came to the teachings.

[28:17]

And I really stay there, you know. And I didn't want to walk into these teachings and walk this path. And then later... go out and I'm still sounding the same way, speaking the same way, even my very intellectual, critical analysis of everything, that I would be able to just continue to speak that way. Because then, if that were so, I would go, I've wasted my time. Because I'm still talking and seeing and moving the same as 18 years ago. I am serious for me, and I tell people they're serious about this life, being one in which is lived fully, is lived fully. If there's another one, okay. I don't know. But I am here right now and to live it fully. I didn't think I could do that early in my life. Here, you've been given this package.

[29:19]

You shall suffer for the rest of your life. And I thought that, oh, there's no way out of the suffering, the way I look, the way I am. And then I don't fit in any group, even in the queer groups. I don't fit in any groups. I don't fit in any group. That's what it feels like a lot, you know? I remember the doctor saying, this medicine, high blood pressure medicine, is for African Americans. And I said, oh, God, it's not going to work. LAUGHTER And sure enough, it didn't. You know, I needed the other one. I got misdiagnosed for an illness that only mostly people with white skin have. And just one smart doctor said, I'm going to check you for it, and I have it. She said, they never checked you all your life because of how you look. And that just happened in my, like, 50, 60. All my life I've been living with this thing no one understood. So there is this way in which I'm asking you to pierce some holes, you know, pierce some holes through those things that are very solid, you know, and get uncomfortable, you know, get uncomfortable with these things that you were always striving for, that comfort zone.

[30:40]

You know, when we come here looking for that comfort zone. Oh, I can sit here. This feels good. Don't say anything. I'm feeling really good right now. You're going to mess it all up. You know. So, yes, we have homework, homework, homework, homework. So... So we're going to start with, you know, like I said, store consciousness. And we're going to look at these seeds because these seeds are karmic. And we'll talk about that more, too. And these seeds ripen. They ripen over the years, you know. And not all these seeds are bad. Maybe there's some wholesome seeds. Maybe there's not. And so we're going to look at them and see, you know, even the ones we think are wholesome, this is really good for me.

[31:41]

Meditation is really good for me. Or, you know, maybe it's not. Maybe yoga's not good for you. Maybe it's good for somebody else, you know. So you have to find, you know, what inside you, you know, is ripening. When President, well, he's not the president anymore, excuse me, Obama, you know, got elected, I wrote an article, I don't know if it's still online, I meant to try to, I wrote about that it wasn't really him that won in essence, it was a ripening of some karmic seeds that allowed that to happen, that there's been a storehouse of consciousness that helped that to come about. Same with our situation today, there's no difference in that, in the way it comes about. And so that's why this is a very important study if we're going to be a part of transformation and transforming at the base, at the self, at the family, at the community, at the society. You know, we begin to look at our storehouse consciousness.

[32:44]

There are many consciences to look at, right? And so I'm just going to stick with the little one I know, like I said, the one I studied, and then a little bit with the manas if we get that far. Because they go together, actually, very tightly. Manas consciousness is thinking. That's all I'm going to really say is thinking and really being attached to oneself and how one sees oneself and how one walks in the world. You know, I'm a Zen priest. Go to the grocery store, it really doesn't matter. All I am is short and fall, chocolate, you know, nothing, you know, nothing at all, you know. I think it really is helpful, you know, to bow to the not being, you know, and not being recognized.

[33:46]

And I find that the suffering comes when I'm very attached to who I think I am and how I should be met. You know, they tell you that you need to get somebody who meets you. Like, what is that? Meet you where? Where? Where? You know, and how and all these things. All of us are on a journey. And it's a very messy one, I think. Life is very messy. And that's what I love about it. It's so messy. I just sit back and go, wow. Every time something just turns. And I have one of my students, at one point I was going through, I went through six sublets. And she said, I don't know how you're doing it. I said, I'm just watching it. It's like, wow, where am I now? And not to say there wasn't any emotion around it. So I allowed the emotion, the honest and the soberness of it all to happen and the discovery.

[34:51]

And I teach because I love discovery. But I really am afraid to teach, you know, but I do it. Because I want to discover together with us, you know. I feel like each one of us have something to give. And so I hope in this class we'll do that and we'll give and we'll focus on historic consciousness. So begin to start with the self. to look at what's in your storehouse consciousness. If you want to read more about it, Ben Connolly's book has a really good description. I think that's in Chapter 3 or something. If you find you don't want to do a lot of reading, read a paragraph. Read a sentence. You don't have to read the whole book because we're not going to have an exam. There are no midterms. There are no grades. And everybody in here... is already got an A. If you need one, you have an A. And you're all very smart.

[35:53]

So don't have to convince us of that. And when you share, to share, you know, from what you might be learning in the Dharma that connects to the challenge of your life. Even if it's not Yogacara, you can't quite grab onto that. Grab on, and I'll take you to visit Yogachara. I'll take you to visit Ashubanzu, a badass debater who felt to tear down even his own brother's teachings and ends up taking on his teachings and becomes famous for his brother's teachings. Love it. Nessie. Nessie. I love it. So I think when you delve into these people, that we chant to bow in our ancestors. This is very much an ancestral practice to me, you know, and that we do have, there is a lineage of everything.

[36:58]

And it's important to know that we're not doing this alone. We're not coming in it just for ourselves. And that this is a collective journey. And we all have different experiences entry places. I think I was explaining it to Lyssa that, you know, it feels very hierarchical in this place. That's why I say, oh, there's a center. But yet, those places and those positions are here to help take care of us in the practice. And what, if you could change, you know, maybe that will help you is to see more of a spiral. How many people have ever done the spiral dance? Have anybody here ever done spiral dance? You have? Good. Okay. So spiral dance is unique. I used to drum for one, so I'm a drummer. And so the person leads from the middle and starts this drumming. This dance usually goes on for an hour, hour and a half, right?

[38:00]

And so it's really quite... Powerful. And the leader starts it, you know, and it winds into the center, right, to the leaders in the center. And then there's some people around. So that's what we're in. We're in this spiral and we're dancing. We're all in the spiral. And some of us are tight in here, you know, holding that spiral. And then some are on the edge following to be part of the spiral. you know, to learn. So, you know, we have, we don't have to, I don't have to drum for you. You can do that with the ha, when you hear the ha, or the bell, or chant. There's rhythms going on all over the place. And to consider yourself part of the dance, part of the spiral dance. And many people in the Wiccan tradition definitely practice that one, too. So, circles, circles are very important in traditions, indigenous traditions. And guess what? We have one. The end zone. The end zone. So each practice that has come from the earth has a circle.

[39:02]

Native American Lakota has a medicine well. That includes all nations. All nations is in the medicine. All of us have the medicine. So are we going to hear and listen to each other? And yes, we can. You know, debate is good. I used to go to debates as a kid. So I've been trying to save my life since I was four. So, four years old because of the way it was going. And I became very religious early on, you know. And I would beg my mother to take me to church. Now, most kids be kicking and screaming. I'm sitting in the car waiting for them to come out the house so we could go, so we won't be late. Because I need to hear what they're going to say today because my life is not good. And... eventually they start having different Christian people come in, raised in the Church of Christ, and still and strongly fill those teachings. Not the way they present them, but those teachings.

[40:03]

And I would hear these debates, and I would beg my mother to take me to the debate, because I wanted to hear one person say one thing and one person say another. And I think that's important to have. And if we can do that with the precepts in mind, and do that with a sense of compassion, kindness, and love, we could really, you know, begin to do all the different kinds of transformations that were mentioned, the light and the magic and the letting go and radically, you know, see something new. Now, it might not look so different, but something is happening just like this flower. It does not look like it looked when it was put here. It looks like it looks. It looks the same. It's not the same. It's not the same. And you can just know that. It is not the same. It has changed. And that's how I look at my life.

[41:07]

Then I know I said, okay. Because I wouldn't believe that early. I would be like, no, I don't think so. I'll come back another week or two and have proof that all wilted and brown. Now I know it's changed. And that's the way I did my life. So I hope that we can take the time to allow it to not look like anything changed from the moment we came in to, you know, the next time and the next time and the next time. So when we come back next week, let's do we have more time? We have a lot of time. Oh, good. Okay. Oh, okay. Let's keep going. Then good. Okay. So are there any questions, you know, about what I'm talking about? And how many here have heard of store consciousness and have at least studied and thought about it? Good, good. Anybody have anything to add on what I've already said? Definitely.

[42:08]

I'm going to score a turtleneck sweater. Anybody want to share their idea of the store consciousness? Simply that the book I have is in print. Understanding Our Mind. Is that the same one? It's different, but it probably has, you know... It has 50 verses. Yeah, I'm telling you, I haven't seen that one, so if it's in there, then it's probably a new name, you know, because that's what they do when it goes from being an author. When it goes from one publisher to another, when it gets out of print, then it gets picked up again, and they can't use the same name because the other publisher has bought that name and cannot use that name again, so... That's happened to me already. Yes. Okay, good. I guess that's in the bookstore. Yeah, Joe. I really resonate with what you say about the dance and the rhythm of the form. At first, the form kind of came to me as more like a membrane or a wall or something rectilinear.

[43:18]

It's like the punctuation of the sounds somehow contribute to the flow. It's like one big long jazz number. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Yes, it is. The long note. I don't know who that term one of the jazz musicians used to call. Like the long note. And that a lot of what we're working with in our life is that long note. and holding it and being able to add breath to it. Yes. On store consciousness, I have memories from a very young age. And one of the memories I have was I was being given a bath in the sink by my mother. And I turned to her and I go, Mom, the water is like way too hot. You need to chill, you know, turn it down. I'm talking to her with my mind, but the words aren't coming out because I can't speak yet.

[44:27]

But I'm trying to convince her that this is just not working. And so I start crying. And I'm just curious if that's part of what the concept of store consciousness is. I have a number of instances at a very early age where I... I'm trying to communicate. I think I'm communicating, but I'm not communicating. You know, what's in your store consciousness, you will find, and I invite you to look at that which you feel is a, because the overarching is why am I stuck, or what is it that is sticking me to one thing. That coming up for you even now means something's in there for you. And I think you probably know a little bit about it. And to study that seed, you know, and how you have, how you engage with others and in the world.

[45:29]

You know, we can do it right here. Lovely sangha. Yay. So that's why sangha is so important to the practice of that. So, you know, I would invite you to go further, you know, with that as a work, you know, and to see from what that, you know, since it is up for you, that you see how you're interacting, you know, to various people. I realized, you know, when I first Started at City Centers where I started and practiced the most. And my teacher, Zinke Blanche Hartman, who passed away in not that long, but it's like always yesterday to me. So I can't never remember the day, you know, and she's just been all around me, feels like, since I've been here. And so she, you know, it's that way in which she would...

[46:30]

Just hold these things very lightly and to look at one's life as we're going along. So you'll look and you'll see. You may have some idea of what you've come up with, and then I invite you to drop that and then have some more ideas, and then you drop that and drop that and drop that. So the point is that we're not going to analyze. our lives in that way because we know how to do that. We're a great society. We have gotten to the point where little children request anger management classes. They're five years old. So that's how good we've gotten. So that's okay. That's okay. They know they need something else. And so trying to discover what could come up new around you know, that seed, seed in your... My mother came up really fast in my first, you know, at City Center, really fast.

[47:40]

I did fall into a three-week intensive. I didn't know they had one day, as I've been telling people, I didn't know that they had one day sits at Zen Center, and I ended up in a three-week intensive, which they don't have anymore. It's run on the model of Tassajara, you know, and in that, my mother... arose. And it was a very interesting thing because it was like, okay, what's happening here? And I think it was part of my store consciousness and not only seeing my mother and seeing me and her mother-daughter and we had a very turbulent but loving relationship, really interesting and confusing. And I think that that that seed of our relationship had a lot to do with how, you know, I saw life and my way of breaking away from the family and, you know, all kinds of things that were created behind that, you know, and also staying, too, you know, in the family, why I stayed and those kinds of things.

[48:49]

But it was the first thing. And I kept analyzing that, my mother and me, my mother and me. And after a while, I got to this place, and it's in one of the books probably, and tell me something about Buddhism. I don't know what's in my books, you know, at all, you know, some people tell me, and it's very frightening. And sometimes I go, oh, what did I say that? I don't know if I meant to say that. But this image of a butterfly came, and I was like, because I was really, you know, allowing this consciousness to stay, this thorough consciousness to exist, and this butterfly shows up. And it really wasn't about me and my mother so much. It was coming to terms with that I was a person that was like maybe 10 billion times softer than I thought I was. Like, I was like, oh no, I can't be no butterfly. That is like, you know, I... In the Lakota, each people have medicines.

[49:51]

People have bears and, you know, like mice cannot be butterflies. Be my medicine animal. It's going to be like, oh, you know, anything. Butterfly. And it's interesting because I do love, I always have loved butterflies. And so... Then the butterfly helped me to go deeper into that historic consciousness that was in the seeds in there created around violence and anger and rage and really taking those things and landing them, you know, in this place that I could see how the butterfly could not exist, you know, or it was existing. and I was afraid to allow it to be because it would be too dangerous.

[50:51]

Butterflies lose their wings. All kinds of things happen to butterflies. And so it became my journey. Now, I felt like Blanche got that right away from the beginning. She picked it up right away because all the years went by and then she gives me a name, you know. And I understand Shosan Victoria Austin was also part of giving my name, Zenju. And Zenju means complete tenderness. And so when they gave me the name, you know how they announced your name, and your new name is Ekai, the first one, Ekai, Ocean of Wisdom, which the ones would say is what you are. and the second name is the one you're going to work at. So when people went, oh, you know, I didn't, because that meant she was saying I wasn't tender, you know, because I'm like, wow, it's beautiful, but what? Because she already told me the meaning, and I'm like, the ordination.

[51:59]

And so I didn't, you know, wear the name, and then a shaman found out I had that name. They had read an article. My name shows up in things. And Zenju was in there. She said, your name is Zenju? Your name is Zenju? And I said, well, yeah, you know, it's like my Dharma name. And she said, you should start using it. Use that name. And I said, okay. So I did. And it also was part of the process for working with dark consciousness. And some of us have some names that we can just work with just that. and coming to the core consciousness, store consciousness of our lives. And so I began to use it, and it definitely started affecting me, although at the Shouse ceremony, Blanche whispers in my ears, you're still not tender. I mean, she actually said that, you know, that she never wanted me, I think she never wanted me to feel accomplished.

[53:00]

That was the training that she gave all of us, you know. At the Shouse, she says, I was like, oh, God, after I just answered, so anyway, so let's do that. I see your hand way back there. I'm sorry. Okay, you're stretching. So, okay. That was some of how I worked with the practices, you know, within the practice and began to notice these seeds that You know, the butterfly is a seed. That's a seed in there, in my circumcision. You know, I had to shift those seeds. Oh, here's the little yellow. You know, and to walk with that, you know, what does it mean to be tender and be...

[54:04]

liberated, because I don't want to be paralyzed, but I don't want to be tender and weak. But how beautiful. Is a butterfly weak? No. It might be fragile. Yeah, but is it? Or is this just the nature of butterfly? Versus what? Fragile versus what? What? Fragile versus what? Think about it. Maybe the word weak as having negative connotations in our storehouse. And we can look and see how we can love weakness. I've often called when we are weak, when we actually, because it is a word, we can say, oh, there's no weakness. If there is that, maybe that is a signal to stop. And to rest, you know, like weak is a great, maybe a great indicator.

[55:07]

So that would be, it's great to explore it, like you're saying, to explore these different things and to come up, you know, with, you know, how one sees the world or how I saw my life, you know. And I began to see something that I didn't think other people saw. You know, and they did. You know, they did, but I thought they didn't. So I went to write a poem about it, which is in every book, you know, about not being seen, you know, as a maple leaf. As a maple leaf. You know, not being seen as a lily or orchid. You know, not being seen that way. Because I haven't felt to be treated as an orchid. You know, or a maple leaf. or a butterfly. But all of that's there despite any chaos in the world. All of that is there. And we all live in the chaos.

[56:10]

We all are experiencing it differently, expressing things differently, but experiencing very much the same things in different ways. Any questions? Yes. You're saying that to find that seed of thinness and water, you have to do a little bit of this. Yeah. I'm wondering what does that actually look like to do this with those more painful or something? Yeah, very good. Good question. Next class, no. No, but quickly, it was the practice. It's the sitting with it and allowing it to rise. So that little seed probably, even though it showed up, I didn't know what it was and I wasn't willing to accept it, that seed. Remember, I want bigger buffalo.

[57:13]

So I just walked with it. At the same time, experiencing a lot of even within the Sangha, experiencing belonging and not belonging, you know, and having pain around, not being home, but having pain around my mother and, you know, and these things we journeyed through together. And I just continued to walk with it. I had already had 20, 30 years of therapy. So I did that part. I have definitely done my work in a lot of places. I have in ceremony, you know, in all kinds of healing spaces, and they've been good. Even this is the healing space, too. This is not my work. This is my healing space and our healing space together. So, and then we are healed, too. You know, we come in, we find out it's already there, right?

[58:17]

It's just to be accessed. And so you're waiting to access it. You're not going to give it to yourself. That's what happens. We kind of interrupt it all and say, I'm just going to give myself that peace. And it's not quite right. Or I'm just going to give myself, say, now I'm healed because I'm done with it. Or I'm done with it so I feel healed. So there is a natural place in which you feel a completion. And it takes, for me, it took a long time. Some people have spontaneous awakening. I hear that. And I think I met one person that I felt was like that. It was a swami. I was like, just looking at him, I just started crying. He didn't say anything. It was something he was emitting toward me that I had never felt before, ever, still to this day. And I've met a lot of mystics. They come into my life, healers come. They just come into my life. I don't know why.

[59:18]

Shamans come. I've met three Sangomas from South Africa. I met a whole tribe of diviners from Dahomey. I don't know why they come to me, but that's how my life is. I think I call them. I think I've been calling them since I was little. Like I said, I've been on it for a long time on the journey. So it's time and it's patience. And it's not you deciding all of it. You know, like kind of being in the unknown and discovering, you know, what is to come up? What is to come up from being here, from being in a practice period, from being together? What is to come up? What is being, seeds going into the basket, you know? What other seeds are happening? What seeds are ripening? You know, what is the karmic ripening? What are the actions? you know, that are coming about, you know, karma being action. Karma being action.

[60:19]

Body, mind and speech. Through body, mind and speech, action. So a lot of people say, you know, oh, that's your karma for you doing that. Well, it's really not their karma. They took an action and it's their vipata that is having a problem, not their karma. But the society has gotten a little bit confused. But I don't want to get into a whole lesson on karma. I learned some of these, a lot of these things from reptances. So any other, any quick questions? Yes. I have a question so much as when I was listening to you talk about this shifting from the focus on the relationship with your mother to the image of the butterfly and I thought in this practice of exploring our own seeds we find that every seed has its own seeds. And then what we saw as the seed, we see that was the fruit. That was the flower. And then there's also this letting go you were talking about. I can let go of my, the way I'm holding that. When something new comes forward and I see what was the origin of that, which I recognized as the origin of something else.

[61:28]

That's right. That it keeps going. That's right. That's right. And that's why the practice is ever evolving. And there's no graduation, I'm sorry. even if you get one of these, a brown one, it's you're further out in the meadow of it all. We're way out there. Further out in the meadow. And so it's evolving and the fruits and the flower and all that and part of the seeds and the seeds and the sources of those seeds and the importance of seeds in general. You just even want to get very practical. You know, some people are collecting, have collected seeds, heirloom seeds from, say, food, from ancient, ancient, ancient food, and they're storing them to hold on to that ancient food. A lot of that's going on. I know in New Mexico where I lived, to hold on to, lived once where, and they're holding on to the seeds of the indigenous people from that era.

[62:33]

And so they have these seeds and this food that was. and may no longer be. So it's really, I like the idea of looking at storehouse as like a basket in the seats. But it could be your own image. And also, I invite you, if you're a visual person, I invite you to create images, if you like, around storehouse consciousness or poetry, if you're a poet. yeah, be creative, you know, if you want, and if that's not, you don't, you know. I would like, I read a little something I called Dharma Rain this morning, just a little bit of Dharma, and if you want to bring any, I will ask someone to bring some rain for us to the next class. Anybody want to bring Dharma Rain for the next class? All right, thank you, Jairus, bringing rain.

[63:34]

for our next class and we'll have a little rain in the beginning and then move from there and start, you'll, you know, speak more about what you feel those who have been studying Yogachara and actually have some experience with working with transforming the base at Constance. Are you thinking about it? Have an experience. You're thinking about developing a relationship with these teachings. You're thinking about creating, having Yogachara as one of your beloveds in your life. I think that's good for today. It's good for me. So we'll do the ending chant. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving. by offering your financial support.

[64:35]

For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[64:44]

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