This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. I'm glad we do that chant three times now. From my point of view, the chant is you saying, I'm going to listen in case there's something true, and I'm going to let that in. And then I can relax. So in the jumble of untrue things I say, if there's something true, you just vowed to listen for it and let it all the way in. And luckily there's always a true thing. So let that true thing end moment after moment.

[01:07]

All the way in is what gen practice is. So thank you all for coming. And those of you online, hello. It was very cold this morning and kind of a long way from anywhere. So I thought, wow, people driving a long way to sit in a cold barn and maybe hear something true. Mostly hear somebody in an unusual outfit say really obvious things about being alive. So there's a wonderful, Suzuki Roshi has this This comment in his talks where he says, you know, I ask people, why do they come to meditate?

[02:13]

And then they give me these answers, but their answers don't make any sense. But sometimes someone says, I don't know. And that seems right. So we don't know. Something true. We're trying to respond to the true thing in our life. So we're in the fifth day of a meditation retreat here. I think my calculations are correct. And so this is a regular Sunday talk and also it's the last talk together as part of this session. So I wanted to share a little bit about what I've been working with sitting these few days and the way that I've been trying to encourage the others here sitting together.

[03:28]

So I guess if there's a meditation instruction that I've been working with, it goes a little bit like this. Sit upright. align the body and of course there's a lot there infinite possibility so anyway more or less align the body and then open your eyes a little bit I like to open my eyes a lot because very interesting happening so just open your eyes and then i've been doing this thing of take a few breaths through your mouth because one of our ancestors kezon zenji said if you want to wake up just take a few breaths with your mouth open i thought i do i do want to wake up so um and he says you know after a few breaths you'll wake up right away and it's kind of true so so now you're aligned

[04:44]

Your eyes are kind of open, you know, not looking at stuff, but you're seeing there's visual field, there's light. You breathe, and there's this Japanese term, kakusoku, which means just to wake up, to wake up and contact. Just to wake up and contact that you're alive. Contact the feeling of being alive. It's a funny thing. It's like, oh, I've had this feeling before of being alive. It's very simple. It's so ordinary and plain, and it's so easy to miss, which is maybe part of why we drive all the way over here. Like, there's something I'm missing. Oh, right, I'm missing it because it's so obvious. So, anyway, align the body.

[05:46]

Open the eyes. Take a couple breaths until you remember that you're a human being alive. And then just stop and be completely still. Just in that feeling of being alive. Thanks for doing that. Does that make sense? That's my dharma talk. I sometimes feel, you know, this being still, stopping, stopping and being still. It's like there's something, it's so nourishing for me to be contacting the feeling of being alive.

[07:02]

The stillness or the stopping is like, why would I... I don't wanna move away from this. I'm just gonna stop here with this sense of being alive. So then, I don't know then, but we're sitting still and in touch with the feeling that we can't grasp or know of being alive. Part of the stillness has this feature of just laying down everything that can be laid down. So I've been working with that too.

[08:07]

Sitting awake, in touch with the feeling of being alive. And if there's anything around that could be put down, laid down, just let it lay down. Just sitting still and dropping and dropping and dropping. So there's maybe you're noticing there's a kind of ordinary presence. It's not a stillness that's digging for some kind of special sort of presence. It's an appreciation of this simple ordinary presence. So what's special about our sitting isn't that we're entering some special state, but that we're in touch with the very special state of

[09:11]

light and sound and sensation. The feeling of being. And the other feature of this stillness is that everything is welcome because it it would be too much work to make something go away, you know, like fight with something. I mean, still, I'm enjoying my time with this being alive. So, you know, on a regular day, I'd be, I would fight with you and, you know, try to change this thing and push it away. But here sitting in the stillness, everything can just be how it is. Everything can just be itself. though upright and more or less awake.

[10:20]

Oh yeah, human life. Be still, laying down, whatever can drop, letting it drop. And notice that everything is allowed to be exactly as it is when you're in that kind of practice. It's very loving. It seems like cold. to just sit still and empty. But there's a way that it's so loving to just be not messing with anything. Everything can just be exactly as it is. And it's included. It's welcome. It is what the field of my life is now. It's just what everything is. So it's allowed. It's welcome. So there's a few images that I've been using to help to point to this practice for me and for others.

[11:33]

I thought I could share them with you. I'm having this not unusual Zen talk problem of not knowing whether you all are very concentrated or completely bored. I'm not sure why I care, actually. But I guess I feel responsible for your state of mind right now. I want you to feel that it was worth it, you know, to drive all this way. Just to hear somebody say that you're already alive and you could... To just notice that and then be absolutely still. It's like barely worth the drive. Like... If you have an EV, you know, it's probably worth the drive. It was like gas. Because it's easy to miss how completely transformative and world-saving the simple practices.

[12:50]

So once upon a time, there was a murderer a very successful murderer named Angulimala. Many of you maybe know this story from the Buddha's time. Long story, I won't get into all the ins and outs. But basically, this accomplished murderer would like to murder the Buddha. So Angulimala, taking up his sword and shield, buckling on his bow and quiver, follows behind the Blessed One, the Buddha. Then the Blessed One willed a feat of psychic power such that Angulimala, though running with all his might, could not catch up with the Blessed One walking at a normal pace. Then the thought occurred to Angulimala. Isn't it amazing?

[13:55]

Isn't it astounding? In the past, I've chased and seized even a swift running elephant, a swift running horse, a swift running chariot, a swift running deer. But now, even though I'm running with all my might, I can't catch up with this contemplative walking at a normal pace. So frustrating. Running as fast as he can. And the Buddha is on a Contemplative stroll. Right foot, breath. Left foot, breath. Pause. Sound of the birds. Right foot, breath. I'm a fast guy. So he gets very frustrated and he calls out to the Blessed One, Stop! Stop, contemplative.

[15:00]

Stop. And the blessed one turns and says, I have stopped. Now you stop. So I've been felt a great kinship with. Angulimala, my brother, chasing down the stillness, chasing down the peace and ease as fast as I can. And I fast. No matter how fast I run, I can't catch up. So usually when I sit down for Zazen, I kind of start running after some feeling or some peace or some ease that I remember must be the reason why I do Zazen because, you know, some feeling that maybe happened before or that some book said was going to happen, you know.

[16:20]

So I start running after Zazen, running after presence and ease. And then it's like, ah, not catching it. People say, you know, was it a good sushin? Good sushin, did you catch it? So I've just been sitting with this, the Buddha turning around and saying, now you stop. Stop chasing me. And then we stop, and then maybe something catches up with us. So that's one of the images that's been helping me to sit these days. The second is a phrase or a teaching. It also has a story to it. So I'll share this as a story then from China. I guess in the 1200s when our Soto Zen founder Dogen Zenji was in China.

[17:27]

with his teacher, Ru Jing. And they were in a meditation hall. And Ru Jing, the teacher said, to study Zen is to drop away body and mind. To drop off body and mind. And he says, why are you engaged in single-minded, seated slumber rather than single-minded, seated meditation? And the practice is to drop away body and mind. The Dogen really appreciated that. Dogen really heard that. Okay, drop away body and mind. So then he went into Ru Jing's room and lit incense and said, I have come because body and mind dropped away.

[18:38]

The story also goes on, but that's the main point. Later, his teacher says, okay, now drop away the dropping away. Chill out, Dogen. Ordinary presence. So when I say, you know, part of the stillness, just be the ordinary mind, ordinary, just be in touch with what it feels like to be you. Feels like something to be me. Feels like something, must feel like something to be you. I think it feels, I don't want to, forgive me for speculating. But it may feel exactly the same. It's my secret suspicion. So feel what it feels like to be you. And then stop running after or away from anything. And then let anything that can be laid down be laid down. And the cool thing about drop-off body and mind is like there's stuff you can lay down that you didn't think you were holding on to.

[20:01]

So, you know, we let fall away in the stillness. Like right now, sitting still, if I say, you know, if there's anything to lay down, just lay it down. Feel my breath drop a little bit. Maybe my shoulder release. A little bit of the self-clinging or anxiety. Yeah, I don't need that. But then that even this idea of body and mind can also be laid down. That'd be a relief, right?

[21:15]

So when we say, like, let it lay down, what can be laid down, it doesn't exactly just mean, like, relax. It means let everything drop away and just become this moment the way Suzuki Roshi puts it is which is also worth trying which is just to exhale and as you exhale just let everything drop away and stop trying to be alive Makes that nice point. Stop trying to be alive. If you have trouble in your life, it's because you're trying to be alive. You're trying to do something. If you just exhale and let it all go, then after the end of the exhalation, you'll inhale and you'll be alive, but not because you made it happen, not because you were doing it.

[22:22]

So this kind of holding on, the holding on kind of goes all the way down. So to hear drop off body and mind is like the call from deeper in the stillness, the call from deeper in the letting go, saying, you know, there's still some stuff that can fall away in the sitting. Just let it drop. Okay, and then the third image or story, also is from the time of the Buddha, when the Buddha was meditating very sincerely, very effortfully, because he was going to get enlightened soon, and was excited about that, and there was a lot riding on it, so he was working very hard, and, you know, he was kind of chasing, he was kind of doing the Angulimala, the awakening, and he was good at it, so stuff was happening, but he was also getting tired, and a little bit frustrated. And then he sort of had the grace to have a memory of himself as a child.

[23:31]

Do you all know this story? Sitting under the rose apple tree. So this is the third image that I've been turning. The Buddha is doing meditation to break through birth and death and become one with all beings to liberate everything. It's like, wow, that's quite a project. And he's doing it because he is like, The prince, you know, who can do whatever he put his mind to. And he's been a renunciate for however many years. And he's going to do this thing. And he's close. And then he remembers like, once when I was like 10, it was really hot and kind of dusty. And I saw a tree and I sat down under the shade of this tree. And that felt really good. Why don't I try that? Why don't I do that instead of this meditation thing? And this was a turning point for him, that the Buddha thought, okay, instead of like meditating, what if I just sit as an ordinary person resting under a tree with no agenda?

[24:52]

And that really helped him to drop away even his ideas of existing and not existing, of self and other, of inside and outside, just by doing this very ordinary approach. So recently I had an experience of effortless sitting that I shared with the Sashin and wanted to share again today.

[26:02]

So I'm a meditator, as you may have gathered, and that's a big problem for me and for the other people in my life. I had the... It was a great privilege to be with my mother as she died a couple of weeks ago. And it's a very powerful start of our sesheen this week to have her cremation on the day before we entered. So part of my process has been absorbing the depth of that and also of that wisdom and insight. So bottomless layers. And the Sashin participants have been very indulgent, as I wonder out loud what it all means.

[27:07]

Group therapy is usually like a group of people with one therapist. It's been sort of like one person and a group of people. Anyway, you've all been very kind. Thank you. I'm trying to limit myself, you know, just a few minutes each time. Like, but what does it mean? And she was great. So then I keep saying, also she is great. So we have, and we have this great practice. I am so grateful for this practice that Zen Center has of caring for death. Dropped off body and mind. Bottomless. So we're not afraid of sickness and death in the tradition. I mean, each of us as individuals is terrified in any given moment. But we have this teaching of fearlessness, this wonderful teaching in the hospice world of death is not an emergency, of just this capacity to welcome, to be with, to just stay present with.

[28:18]

So after my mom died, we were able to do our Zen practice of washing her body and dressing her and then keeping her cool and sitting with her for a day or so. So what an opportunity, right? To do deep practice with birth and death. So sitting... with my mom's body for a little while, I noticed and was surprised by the effortlessness of the sitting. And I felt that like, Oh, this is like rose apple tree sitting is effortless sitting. I think it was just so obvious to my being that, um, to just be here is enough.

[29:29]

So there's been something I've been trying to unpack about what, so what about that experience of being with my mom as she died and then sitting with her after she died? What is so, what was, what made that sitting so natural and useful? In the face of death you know it just seemed like even though I could say could have said any time and still could say something like I know that all of the strain and stress and pushing and clenching that I'm doing in my life is like not really necessary like I can tell you that right now this clenching and straining maybe feel in your life there's always some to what's happening? There's always some kind of clenching or stress or strain. Is that familiar?

[30:34]

Has there ever been a moment, you know? This is maybe what the Buddha means by this dissatisfaction or this tension at the core pretty much for us. Well, I just had this clarity in that context that anything I'm... that it's all extra. The resisting, the pushing, the stressing, the straining is extra. Here's how I've been trying to say it. The reality before we're born and after we die is also the reality of this time while we're alive.

[31:37]

So there's something before we're born and after we die that is very still and welcoming, this body of reality itself. in reality itself still and welcoming space or basis there's no problem I mean it's obvious maybe to put it sort of coarsely after you die there's no problem and the truth of there's no problem after you die is also the same truth it's also true before you die And it's true before you're born. So as you can see, it's hard to put into words. Mostly what I'm feeling is that as I welcome my clenching and grasping and pushing away, there's a sense in my body of that's, it's extra.

[32:54]

that make any sense we use words like the unborn and undying nature of reality or your original face before you were born it's just like our stress is so unnecessary you know Obvious things. Suzuki Roshi has a funny line. He says, most of your problems are homemade problems. You make delicious problems for yourself to eat. So it's kind of like, in a way, that's what I saw seeing my mom's utterly still face I'm really making a lot of problems for myself to eat and I could just like turn off the stove so the homemade problems he says kindly you know he says most of your problems I think he means all of them but he doesn't want to startle people you know or then people will argue with

[35:02]

because it could be misunderstood. You know, it's not like all the problems on the world are just your own problem. You're making it up. It doesn't mean that. It means I'm grabbing onto things. It's my choice to be like grabbing on and freaking out about things. And that's just what I've decided to do for myself because it's tasty and I'm used to it. Reality is not needing me to like freak out and grab onto it. That's what I mean. Reality is not asking me. Reality doesn't have a problem. And I can join that not problem of reality in order to help with the problems that are happening. Do you know what I mean? There's a refuge in this kind of the no problem-ness. This reality that's before we're born and after we die is like completely still and welcoming everything and has no problem with any of it. And then we come here in this middle part where we're alive and And it's like a big problem.

[36:03]

The whole thing is this big problem, and it is. But it's on the ground of this reality that doesn't have a problem, and we can't comprehend that or grasp that, which is why it's probably not so helpful to talk about even. But we can absorb it. Our body can appreciate it, and then there's more ease. So when I tell myself, oh, this is a homemade problem, it's not to dismiss the problem I'm having. It's to say, I don't have to do this. I don't have to keep making this problem. So think about pick your problem. Let's do a little exercise. I won't make you tell your neighbor, but pick your problem. Like, did you make it? Is it a problem? Yeah, it is a problem. But does it need me to be making it a problem like that?

[37:08]

I'm doing that. So just sitting with her body, it's like, oh, I don't need to do that. Reality is not asking me to do that. Reality is not making me make a problem out of everything. So then there's just natural sitting. There's no problem, no effort, no resistance to being alive. Okay. Dogen Zenji, you know, the monastery, the head soto monastery is eternal peace. And that's what's coming up for me too. Eternal peace. There's like all of this violence and suffering is happening on the ground of eternal peace. And that doesn't make it go away, and it doesn't mean we don't need to take good care of it.

[38:16]

It's just that touching that can actually give us ground to take care of the violence and suffering. So I just want, the last thing I'll say is that You know, this practice of waking up and touching the feeling of being alive, laying everything down, being still, letting everything be as it is, welcoming everything. Whatever is present in this field is welcome. That's what the stillness is. It's not trying to get anything or get away from anything. And it feels so good. That part of it feels good. The shoulder pain doesn't feel so good, but the welcoming part feels good.

[39:20]

It feels really right. But the point of it is not just that it feels good for me. The point of it is, when I have this posture of welcoming, this capacity to be still and welcome what is, then I'm not going to get tugged around and so confused. by all the very confusing, tugging things that are happening in my life and in the world. So for a bodhisattva, for someone who longs to be peace for the world and to support all beings to be free, having this capacity to... Welcome everything without getting confused is vital. We want to help the world or each other, but we're so profoundly confused by each other and by the whole situation that we're just like causing as much mess as we're cleaning, you know?

[40:36]

So we had this ceremony last night here that I'll talk about briefly as we close. The ceremony is called Sejiki, or feeding the demons and the dissatisfied spirits. So we're practicing this being still and welcoming what is. And then we got the idea, how about we see if any demons want to come? Because I think we've been sitting for four days. Maybe now we're ready. And the problem is usually demons are very confusing. And like the dissatisfied, tormented, restless, hungry ghosts in our own body and heart and mind and world are very scary and confusing. And so we're not much help to them usually because we freak out. But we were sitting for a few days and then it seemed like

[41:41]

maybe I could just be still in contact with the feeling of my life and let the hungry ghosts and demons be there and feel that intimacy, the same intimacy that we feel with the light and the sound and the sensation in our body and each other, that transformative intimacy, we could let the demons into that and all the violence and all the suffering. there's some faith that that would be transformative for ourselves and for those energies. To be intimate, they're like the opposite of intimacy, you know? So to welcome them into the intimacy. So I was looking over the ceremony with the people who were going to be in the ceremony, the practice period, the Sashin participants, and we were going through the mantras that this ancient esoteric Zen is very weird. It has this very old it comes from this it has in its background all of this esoteric tradition it's very ordinary just sit be yourself but behind it is all of this kind of magical esoteric buddhist tradition so it's like we're looking over the mantras and there's a mantra this next mantra that we'll say is the one that breaks down the gates of hell to let all the demons out and it's sort of like hmm

[43:10]

I don't know about that. I don't know that that's a great idea, guys. Do you remember the Hellmouth? Any of you old enough? Buffy? Vampire Slayer? It's kind of like it's good that it's closed, right? That's like the point of the Hellmouth. It's like you don't want it open. If I remember correctly, I think the problem was that it was kind of open, but they really needed to shut it. I think at the end they shut it. So spoilers. But then it moved, you know, because you can't. That's the problem. It's whack-a-mole. So they shut it at Sunny Hill or whatever that town was. Anyway, so they closed the Hellmouth in the one place. But then there's all the spinoffs, you know. The Hellmouth is going to open somewhere else. You don't. Gates are just not a good idea. So in my own being, you know, we can think in terms of the cosmology, but also in my own being, like I have these demons and the ravenous, destructive, selfish, dissatisfied hunger.

[44:20]

Um, that's like, there's a gate there because I'm a Buddhist. So it's like, you know, you take the precepts, just like wrap another chain around that gate. Um, But the thing is, they're strong, you know, and they can shapeshift and stuff. And like, it's very hard to contain them. So I was remembering with the sashim, something my mom said shortly before she died to her grandkids. She said, don't let anyone make you cruel because there's no joy in that. So she had some experience of people being made cruel by conditions. And she knew that there's no joy in that and knew how babies who become toddlers, become little kids, can be made cruel.

[45:22]

It's not their fault. They're made cruel, but people can get made cruel. So how do we not let ourselves be made cruel by cruelty, by suffering, by demons? So it seems like, well, wrap another chain around that. And then it's locked so tight that nothing can make me cruel because that cruelty is never going to get out. That hatred and vengefulness and rage and hunger won't ever get out. So I'm safe. But the thing is, if the force gets big enough, if things get hard enough, the gate probably is going to crack and then they're going to come out. And then I actually am totally surprised by them because I haven't and not intimate with them, because they've been in their hell, and the hell mouth has been closed. So it seemed, which is all just to say, it seemed to me like a really good idea to break down the gates of hell, and let them out, and then to do another mantra that softens their being so that they can receive nourishment, to be intimate, to let them...

[46:42]

to let all of this hatred and hunger be met, be softened in intimacy. So we did. They came and they went, and they were transformed by the offerings and just by the welcome. So thank you very much for your kind attention today. There's a stillness and an openness that's what being is, you know, that's at the bottom of reality.

[47:45]

It's still and it's receptive. And allowing and welcoming. And we can take refuge in that. And we can let that manifest in our life. We can enact it by laying down whatever there is to lay down. by noticing that what I'm trying to get and what I'm trying to get away from is extra. Thank you.

[48:52]

Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[49:23]

@Transcribed_UNK
@Text_v005
@Score_95.83