Good evening. Hello. I wanted to start by thanking Arlene for inviting me and thanking Green Gulch so much for having me here. I don't know if you can imagine. I lived here from the time I was 12 until I was 18. And not as a Zen student, as a Zen kid. And so I have a background here of being a teenager. And then I came back later as an adult, as a practitioner, and have practiced with many of the people who are in this room at Tassajara and here at Green Gulch. And it's like I'm really intimidated and nervous to be speaking to you all and also really honored. like really, really moved and honored to have been invited in my role as executive director of BPF, et cetera, to be here.

[01:09]

So that's where I am. So I wanted to tell you all a little bit about where I'm from and what has formed me and through that to speak about socially engaged Buddhism, which is the focus of the Buddhist Peace Fellowship and is kind of the focus of tonight's talk. So I grew up at San Francisco Zen Center at City Center until I was 12 and then here until I was 18 with lots of time at Tassajara also. and grew up kind of, you know, in the middle of all this and steeped in all this and also not particularly interested in Zen practice or Buddhist practice.

[02:12]

I was interested in going out into the world and interested in particularly in traveling and in that kind of expression in the world. And I did do a lot of traveling activities. as soon as I could. And, um, at a certain point that energy for towards travel and towards new experience shifted a little bit and it became, or it, it widened to include an energy towards, um, wanting to change things and wanting to help and wanting to serve and wanting to make things better. Um, so that, that, uh, and that has been kind of a, a forming, a forming piece, that wanting to do something about the suffering in the world. And that wanting to travel and wanting to do something took me into working in Colombia, South America, which was and continues to be a kind of hugely shaping place

[03:22]

experience in my life. I lived there for three years and then have continued to go back each year for a few months at a time and have stayed connected there. The work that I did in Colombia was in the realm of accompaniment, both physical and a political accompaniment. So accompaniment is a particular strategy for intervening in a conflict in which usually a foreigner or someone else with some prestige is present, both physically and politically, with someone who is threatened or with a community who is threatened by the conflict. And through our presence, the person is safer. So that was the kind of work that I was doing in Colombia, and specifically with a peace community, the peace community of San Jose de Apartado, which is in the northwestern part of Colombia.

[04:24]

It's a community of rural farmers who won't side with either side of the civil war. They want to be civilians, and they want to live on their land, so they don't take sides, and they're attacked by both sides for that choice. So we lived with them, a team of accompanies, and through our presence with them, they were safer than they would have been otherwise. So that was the work that I was doing there. And later I came to notice that accompaniment is really, I think it's actually a kind of Buddhist strategy in the sense that it's really bearing witness. The idea is that we're there as witnesses, so we're bearing witness. And through bearing witness, this protection takes place. And so I started in that work and I really fell in love, just completely fell in love with the peace community and with that style of working, actually, with accompaniment, but particularly with the peace community and particularly with the settlement I was living in, which is the settlement of La Union.

[05:35]

So... That was my life there. And after spending about a year and a half in La Union, I came back to the States and I went on speaking tour in the U.S. to raise money for the project. And I actually spoke here about Colombia. Some of you may have been there. That was about six years ago. And... on one of my, so I was on speaking tour all over the country, talking about the work that we were doing in Colombia and raising money for it. And in one of the locations where I was speaking, there was a question and answer period after and a woman asked about the Colombian conflict, something that a lot of people have asked actually, but she asked, do you see any end in sight? Is there any end in sight for the Colombian conflict? And What came up for me was, for one thing, no.

[06:39]

And I don't. I mean, I see things changing, but I don't see it ending. But the other thing that came up for me in that moment, kind of like out of nowhere, was beings are numberless. I vow to save them. And I didn't say that, but I thought... that maybe that was what it was about a little bit. I don't see any end in sight to the Colombian conflict, and yet we continue working to end it, and we continue working to end suffering. So that was the first time that I remember that light kind of going on in that format. When I returned to Colombia after the speaking tour, I was based in Bogota, the capital, doing work that supported the accompaniment project from there. And shortly after I got back to Colombia, there was a massacre in the peace community, not in the settlement where I had been living, but nearby.

[07:48]

And eight people were killed, including four children and two children. men who were strong leaders of the community, one who I had worked with really closely, Luis Eduardo Guerra, who was a wonderful leader, a kind of founding leader of the peace community. And, um, that, that event was, um, kind of like watershed in my life. There's like before and after it was really, it was really huge. And I've, um, worked with it a lot. I mean there was a lot of work at the time in our organization and in all the other organizations about what happened and why and could we have done anything differently and that kind of thing. And since then I've thought about not so much organizationally but personally how that impacted me and how and what that was about. I actually recently told this story.

[08:49]

I was in a training. I was helping train new staff who are about to go out to this project. They were about to start doing the work that I was doing. And I was invited to be at the training and kind of talk to them about what it was like. And the people who were running the training asked me to tell the story of the massacre because that was such a formative event in the community and in the project. And what I told, I told the story and what had happened and some of the details, but I also told about the impact on me because I felt like that was actually helpful and necessary for these people to know, for these people who are going into it, to know kind of what that side, which I could speak about. Other people could tell the story, but I could actually tell the story for me, what happened for me. And one thing that I told and I realized in telling it that I feel very confused about it or kind of some ambivalence around it, which is that I told about how after the massacre, right after, I called my boyfriend at the time who was living in another part of the country.

[10:02]

He had lived in La Union with me. We had lived there together and been part of this project together. And then he was doing other work somewhere else. I called him and told him about it, about what had happened. And we were, you know, crying on the phone or maybe we weren't crying. But anyway, it was really difficult. And he said, do you want me to come back? Do you want me to come back to Bogota? And I was clearly really upset. And do you want me to come back to Bogota and be with you there? And I said, no, it's not my tragedy. And I have work to do. And that was the kind of feeling that I had about it was like I didn't come to Columbia to, you know, have my heart broken and grieve and lay around feeling sorry for myself. But I actually came to do work and this thing happened. And we as a company is need to react. There's various things that we have to do and there's meetings we have to go to. And there's the idea of accompaniment is that the. that the foreigners would make such a big fuss if something were to happen that it's not worth it, that it's not worth it for the armed groups to attack the community because it would damage their international reputation.

[11:13]

So we had to really make a big fuss. That was our job to show that this was not okay so that this would never happen again. So that felt kind of clear to me at the time that there wasn't time for that kind of grieving. So he didn't come back. And when I told the story at the training, I felt like, and I said this also, someone at the training said something like, oh, how wonderful that you did the work that needed to be done. And I thought, yes and no. I don't know. Because I think that actually it is my tragedy. And it was. I mean, it is my tragedy in the sense of like, no man is an island and every man's death diminishes me. But it also is my tragedy because I was connected to the people who were killed. And I think we have to hold that it's not my tragedy and hold everything else and hold that it is at the same time.

[12:21]

It's like a balance. And I think I only had half of it like the balance in caring for all beings and caring for ourselves, or, you know, I vow to save all beings, including this one. So then what does that look like? What does that look like when we're holding all of that and holding that balance? And I think part of it, there's this phrase that comes to me, and I know I got it from somewhere, and if someone knows where, I'd really appreciate hearing, which is, to be a bodhisattva in the world is to have a broken heart. Does that sound familiar to anyone? Maybe Pema Trojan. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Anyway, but when I said that at another time, someone in the audience nodded, and then I never got to that person to say, where did that come from?

[13:29]

Um... But I think that, so to be a bodhisattva is to have a broken heart. And I don't mean just in Colombia, where people we know are killed, but in general, in our lives, when we're loving, when we're having an open heart, we're having a broken heart. Either now, when someone is killed, or later, when they die, or we lose them, or we die. And that kind of... of came clear to me all of a sudden that idea about you know the kind of bodhisattva ideal of I vow to return again and again until everyone is saved I vow to continue being reborn I vow to return so returning and that I think returning is to allow our hearts to be broken not to protect ourselves or to separate ourselves but to be there in the middle of it in the horror of of it and and the beauty of it and that a loving heart is a broken heart and my sense of it is that when we choose to take the bodhisattva vow we choose to love anyway even though it will break our hearts recently i was talking to a friend of mine and she was telling me about this kind of beginning of a relationship that she's in and

[14:59]

whatever she was saying, I was kind of nervous and I was like, Ooh, it just sounds like you're playing with fire. You know, I thought this, this guy, I don't trust him. You know, it sounds like you're playing with fire. And, and she said, it's always playing with fire. It was like, yeah, um, true sometimes more than others, but, um, but I think there is something there about the, um, The impossibility of living without, of really living, of really showing up without having our hearts broken is impossible. And at the same time, so it's a little bit like the survival of the peace community. So there's this peace community who I lived with and who I love and who I know, and they live in this tiny community in the kind of foothills in northern Colombia, right on the edge of the strategic land that these two very powerful armed groups want.

[16:01]

One being the Colombian government and their paramilitary death squads and one being the Colombian insurgency guerrilla forces who are very corrupt also. So these two groups want this particular spot of land. It's very useful. It's very fertile and it's very useful in terms of strategic location. And this peace community was founded in 1997 and they've had many people killed and and otherwise harmed, and they're still there, and they're still there, and they're doing great, and they're, you know, just started an organic chocolate production business, and, you know, things are happening. And at the same time, when we, when I look at, you know, 50 years from now, or even 10 years from now, 200 years from now, it's like, could this peace community really survive? Can it really survive with these really powerful forces that, that want that space and will stop at nothing. But it's not that they're winning.

[17:08]

It's not like the peace community is gonna win and eventually they really will be respected by the armed groups and will be like their own island of peace and safety in the middle of the conflict. I don't see that happening. And yet, the way they are living matters. The way they are living with dignity and clarity matters. And it's an inspiration. And it's an inspiration to themselves and to us and to anyone. I went on speaking tour at one point with a leader from the peace community. He was speaking and I was translating for the events that we did. And he... he gave the same speech over and over again in a number of locations. And one of the things he would say, he was one of the main leaders of the peace community. And actually his sister had been one of the people killed in the massacre.

[18:11]

She was the partner of Luis Eduardo. So Renato would say, we know they'll kill us eventually, but we're not scared anymore. And it was like, how does that happen? Um, but that was really, that was, that was what he would say that as a leader, as a leader, you're particularly targeted, you know, in this kind of situation, the leaders are particularly targeted. So we know that eventually they'll kill us. They killed Luis Eduardo. They killed Ramiro Correa. You know, eventually they'll kill us, but that's not going to stop us. Like that's not what we're, that's not what we're scared of. My sense of it is that this is what happens to us when we make this vow, when we make this impossible vow to live and be lived for the benefit of all beings. This is what happens.

[19:15]

When I was living in La Union, I had this unique experience of feeling that every moment of my life was being put to good use. Every moment, even when it was at night and I was sleeping or even when I was laying around in the hammock hanging out with friends, I had put my whole life there. I was living there and just my presence there was helping protect people. And I think I not only fell in love with La Union, but I fell in love with that feeling of feeling like, oh, finally, I'm doing everything I can. Like my whole life, every moment of it is being well used. And yes, so that idea that every moment was being well used and later, when I was living in Bogota, there was less of that feeling, but I still had that feeling because I was still supporting the work that was going on in La Union.

[20:33]

And I felt like actually during the time I was living in Bogota after the massacre, my world really had kind of narrowed. And the thing that I was kind of working on or was repeating to myself was, I just don't want anyone in La Union to be hurt ever again. I just don't want anyone in La Union to be hurt ever again. And that was why I was there. That was why I was living in Bogota. That was why I was doing everything that I was doing had that purpose in mind. And in... living there and in living there with that purpose and in living there with it not being my tragedy and in all the other things that were going on, I got very tired. And by the end of the time that I left Columbia, I was really exhausted, really burnt out.

[21:41]

And when I left, when I left Columbia, I went pretty much directly to Tassajara. with some vague interest in Zen practice, but mostly because I wanted to be at Tassajara because I love Tassajara and have always, you know, um, through my life and my childhood. And it's, you know, the most beautiful safe place, um, that I knew. So I went there with that idea. And, um, one of the things that was really hard for me and that can continues to be hard for me, although it keeps kind of changing shape. But when I left, was that kind of loss of purpose. That feeling of I put my whole life there and every moment of my life is being well used wasn't as tangible anymore when I was no longer in La Union. Less tangible in Bogota and much less tangible at Tassajara. But my feeling is the intuition that I have about it is that really...

[22:47]

that feeling of every moment of my life being well used, I think that that's what our practice is. I think that's what we do with our practice or what happens to us if we let it or if we look at it in that way that that feeling of my life being well used, that our practice can be that way. that every moment of my life can be used for the benefit of all beings and that resting and that taking care of myself or that sitting zazen or that hanging out with a friend or that all of those things can actually, when looked at with a kind of wider lens, can all be part of that making good use of my life and of that making good use of the...

[23:58]

this fortunate opportunity of human life. I'm not remembering the exact line, but you know what I mean? Um, but that's really hard. Even though that's in my, that's my intuition. I, or it's like, I, I know it, but I don't believe it or I believe it, but not always, or I have to remember it. Um, and that was a, that was, Really, the main thing going on with me for at least a year after I left Colombia was this question of, is this enough? Actually, I think I asked that in a Shosan ceremony or in a Shouseau ceremony here at Green Gulch. I think I asked, is this enough? And really, I think, is this enough is also, am I enough? And I don't know.

[25:04]

You know, it's hard. I think that that is actually, it's like that's my koan or something. Is this enough? Because it doesn't feel settled, but it doesn't feel urgent in the same way that it did. I remember being here at practice period. So I spent the summer at Tassajara directly after being in Colombia and then came here for practice period. So still pretty fresh. out of Colombia. And I remember being in Cloud Hall during study time and I was writing about La Union and I was writing about Doña Jesusa who's a wonderful friend who I have there and I was writing about her life and her husband who didn't treat her well and her son who was actually taken by the paramilitaries. I felt this like this intense kind of rush of fear and energy.

[26:09]

And I actually threw down my writing things. And I mean, I remember it as that I ran, but I probably didn't run, but walked quickly out of Cloud Hall and was standing at that entrance, you know, like kind of facing the ocean, just kind of like, why am I not there? You know, here I was writing about Dona Jesus and remembering her and remembering her life. And I had been in this position where I was using my life to help protect her life and other people's lives. And why am I not there? Why am I here? How can I be here? So it felt very urgent, very urgent. And there was there was a shift that happened actually. I mean, slowly and subtly, although I remember one particular thing that turned, and it was later when, after being here for practice period, I went to Tassajara for practice period, and it was there that I actually had a sense of my path kind of widening.

[27:11]

And this path that was, I just don't want anyone in La Union to be hurt ever again. And that then had sort of, that was like a La Unión-sized path, and it had widened a little bit to include maybe the rest of Colombia. And then there was this kind of big opening that, and then that feeling of it could actually include everything. And that that, I don't want anyone to be heard in La Unión ever again, could be, I vow to save all beings, that that's actually the same, that that's the same vow. And that if I'm going to commit to it, you know, 24 hours a day, if I'm going to commit to using every moment of my life towards that vow, then it has to include rest and it has to include rest. not just sleeping, but like mental rest, like watching a movie or hanging out with friends or, you know, that it has to include everything, that it has to be wide enough to include everything.

[28:19]

And then I can commit to that. I can commit to that for 24 hours a day. I think it takes a lot of dedication and discipline. to see it that way, to actually hold that, for me to hold that in my mind, that each moment is counting or each moment is moving is part of adding to that. Each moment, actually, everything is on my path. And also dedication and discipline to keep our hearts open to that kind of love, to that love even though our hearts will be broken. And also there's a dedication and a discipline to going forward and doing our best even when we don't know if it's right.

[29:22]

And we don't know, we'll never fully know what's right. We're doing our best with the information that we have at the time. But we don't necessarily know that what we've chosen to put our lives in La Union or to put our lives at Tassajara or whatever else is the very best thing we could be doing. We try to know. We carefully observe causes and conditions. But we don't know for sure. But that piece is really important, the carefully observing causes and conditions. You know, we talk about the wisdom and the compassion, and Manjushri and Avalokiteshvara as those being the like the two legs for walking, the wisdom and the compassion, or the two hands for bowing, and that we need both. So there's this story that I've been thinking about that's about wisdom and compassion, or lack thereof, and that's about the impossible vow or the impossible dream, which is, do you all know the story of Don Quixote?

[30:36]

Is that familiar? So I was thinking about the impossible vow and the impossible dream, and I thought of this kind of archetypal Don Quixote figure. If you don't know who that is, I'm going to get to it in a second. And I was talking to a friend of mine, and I was saying, oh, actually, he brought it up. He said, oh, I'm starting to reread Don Quixote. And I was like, oh, tell me about that. I've been thinking about talking about it. And he told me a little bit about it, and I realized that I knew the wrong story. and that there's two kind of opposing versions of this story that are in our kind of cultural broth. Don Quixote is a book that was written in the 16th century in Spain, and it's kind of acknowledged as one of the greatest novels of all time, et cetera, and there have been many versions of it done. And the version that I was familiar with was the called Man of La Mancha which I don't know we did in school at some point or something and in Man of La Mancha Don Quixote so Don Quixote is kind of crazy he has these chivalrous ideas and he wants to go out and save people and help people and do good but he's very confused and he kind of

[31:53]

He mistakes a windmill for a giant and he mistakes a prostitute for the most maidenly beautiful woman. But it's kind of like his craziness is kind of an inspiration. In Men of La Mancha, the musical, it's sort of like an inspiration and it's sort of like he's an idealist. He's like, you know, he thinks bigger than, than, than daily life or than reality. He's like beyond that. And so even though he's crazy, it's kind of like he actually changes people's lives. And like this, this prostitute ends up kind of carrying on his dream anyway. So the, the song in man of La Mancha, I'm not going to sing it, but the kind of theme is his sort of theme song. And a piece of it is to dream the impossible dream, to fight the unbeatable foe, to bear with unbearable sorrow, to run where the brave dare not go, to right the unrightable wrong, to love pure and chaste from afar, to try when your arms are too weary to reach the unreachable star.

[33:03]

So it sounds kind of like the Bodhisattva vow to me. So I realized I was carrying this kind of cultural interpretation of Don Quixote. And what my friend filled me in on, and then later I read more about, was that actually Don Quixote did an enormous amount of harm by not seeing clearly. Obsessed with the chivalrous ideals touted in books he had read, he decides to take up his lance and sword to defend the wicked, no, to defend the helpless and destroy the wicked. Don Quixote becomes more of a bandit than a savior, stealing from and hurting the baffled and justifiably angry citizens while acting out against what he perceives as threats to his knighthood or the world. So there's this kind of confusion, this not seeing clearly and this energy that he has towards doing good and protecting the helpless and destroying the wicked ends up making a big mess of things like...

[34:10]

in this field of windmills, he thinks it's giants and he runs at them to attack them with a lance and his lance gets broken and he falls over and his horse is injured. And it's kind of like people have to keep kind of caring for him and helping him. And he ends up causing a lot of trouble, um, and not, not seeing clearly. So, so I thought that was interesting that in our culture, there exists these two kind of versions of what it can look like to dream the impossible dream or to follow the impossible vow, right? That's like, um, We have to watch out. We have to carefully observe causes and conditions of everything that's going on around us, including ourselves and including who we are and what we're capable of. And including the interconnectedness and the impermanence, that those are all part of it. That's all part of the wisdom piece that has to go along with this compassion piece of wanting to defend the helpless or whoever, defend all beings. So we look around and we carefully observe causes and conditions, including ourselves and including our connection to everything.

[35:20]

And that's wisdom. And we want to serve, and that's compassion. And my sense is that action or socially engaged Buddhism or whatever that might be actually arises naturally out of that. That when you put those things together, what comes out, is socially engaged Buddhism. And it looks different for different people in different conditions. Sometimes it looks like action. Sometimes it looks like activism. Like hearing about the racist law passed in Arizona and wanting to go there and stand in solidarity with the people who are there. Maybe that's an appropriate action in response. And sometimes maybe it doesn't look... like action. Like maybe what comes out of that careful observation is my role right now in this life or in general is to be in this temple and to care for this temple and to offer this temple to the people who need it.

[36:29]

I think that this is all part of the same thing. And this is all part of the I commit to this 24 hours a day. I commit to the using well of my life. All of it. And it sometimes looks one way and sometimes looks another. And coming from a kind of activism world into a kind of Buddhist world, I've heard... criticism on both sides and actually particularly from inside myself, from my two sides, kind of saying one thing back and forth to each other about, um, kind of the social action side saying, like, why are you sitting around? You should go out and do something and help people and, you know, use your life well. And then the Buddhist side, that's the social action criticism is what I tend towards. Um, but there are both of those voices. And then the Buddhist side saying, um, you know, why are you going out and trying to do things when really the practice is to study the self?

[37:38]

So I hear both of those voices, but I don't think that either of them are true. And I think that either practice is good practice. Both practices, whatever proportion they emerge. But it's hard to remember that, and that's the kind of, is this enough? Am I enough? Someone said something useful to me. Actually, he was talking about himself, but I applied it to me into this question of, am I enough? Which was that self-doubt of that kind, that kind of self-doubt wondering if you're good enough is actually doubting your Buddha nature and is actually disparaging the triple treasure by doubting your Buddha nature. That was helpful to me. That kind of took it outside of being about me and me fighting with me.

[38:51]

And it was like kind of bigger than that is like the whole fight. is about doubting your Buddha nature, either way. So I think that we do the best that we can with the information that we have at the time, continuing to stay attuned to constantly changing conditions, including ourselves. We do the best that we can not to fail to add a single speck on top of the mountain of good deeds. And we do this within the vast realm of interconnectedness, interdependence, impermanence. Another line from the Tenzo Kyokun of Zen Master Dogen, which I think is saying the same thing to me is...

[39:55]

All day and all night things come to mind and the mind attends to them. At one with them all diligently carry on the way. All day and all night things come to mind and the mind attends to them. At one with them all diligently carry on the way. I really like that image of it's like they just keep coming all day and all night, and the mind is attending to them. So it's not like ignoring them or doing something else, but like actually attending to them. Meanwhile, at one with them all, and just diligently going forth. So I think that that's socially engaged Buddhism, and that's actually Buddhist practice, is that, is... doing the best that we can with the information that we have at the time within the vast realm of impermanence and interconnectedness.

[41:06]

And that's, that's actually how I see socially engaged Buddhism. And it feels to me like, uh, like I don't really see the line between that and any other kind of, kind of Buddhism all day and all night. Things come to mind, and the mind attends to them. At one with them all, diligently carry on the way. Thank you all so much. And I don't know what the timing is like, but I'd be happy to have questions and discussion. Yeah, okay. Yes. So Sarah, perhaps could answer some of the questions of how you're working. What is Buddhist Peace Fellowship? A lot of people don't know what this program is and actually what your views are of how you're going to expand it with this value you're working with.

[42:17]

Within what Buddhist Peace Fellowship is and how you as the executive director are going to actually carry that forth. knowing you can't. Yes. That's what I'm working on. So the Buddhist Peace Fellowship is a national organization founded about 30 years ago to do the practice of socially engaged Buddhism. And my sense is that at that point in 1978, it was... Buddhism and activism were pretty distant. And it was kind of like you do one or you do the other. And there wasn't so much connection between the two. And that Buddhist Peace Fellowship was actually one of the first organizations to to say we're Buddhist practitioners. And here's how we're engaging with the world. And here's what our what our compassionate action looks like. You know, we're doing compassionate action. And the organization has had many forms over the years and has grown from a group of friends in a backyard in Hawaii to having thousands of members around the country.

[43:26]

And we're now based in Oakland. And so the work of the Buddhist Peace Fellowship takes place on kind of three... I've been calling them in three circles of engagement, three widening circles of engagement. And the inner circle is our work with... our chapters and members and other interested folks, kind of our community, our Sangha work, that's the BPF community realm or circle of engagement. And that has to do with inspiring and encouraging people and connecting with them, helping them form their chapters, which are, you know, little groups all over the country who do piece work with their Buddhist friends who do, who are, who are their own Sanghas of socially engaged Buddhists. Um, so supporting them and also within that circle of engagement is the base program, which is a, um, training curriculum for small groups. That's a training in, um, socially engaged Buddhism basically.

[44:28]

And, and the groups work together to explore those ideas. Um, so that's the BPF community circle. And we have a wider another or another circle, which is BPF communication. And that is, uh, one of the big aspects of that is publishing turning wheel magazine, which is a journal of socially engaged Buddhism. And that's kind of why I say it's a, it's a wider circle is cause that's not connecting only to, you know, our members and chapters like our close group, but it's wider. Many people get that magazine or read that magazine and it has a lot of, um, in depth, personal, well-written explorations of that meeting and, and that take all kinds of forms, you know, more, um, kind of scriptural Buddhist, more personal, more, uh, you know, reporting from Buddhist Asia. We just actually, we, a new issue just came out and it's really good. I'm really happy with it. We have a new, um, editor of turning wheel who's doing just a, Spectacular job, Everett Wilson, if you, you all know him.

[45:29]

Um, so that's turning wheel. And then also within that circle of engagement is our website, which we use as a kind of hub for information and action, um, sharing things that are going on and things that we endorse or, uh, perspectives from Buddhists on current issues, that kind of thing. So those are kind of the two sides of our, our communication, BPF communication circle. And then the kind of, um, biggest circle, the one that's kind of reaching even further out is BPF collaborations. So that's working with various organizations who are doing all kinds of work to add our energy and support and perspective and work and ideas to the work that they're doing. So the idea is that we're not so much running our own programming as much as collaborating with other groups that are already doing it. In part because of our capacities, but also because that's actually how we want to be engaged is through working with others rather than repeating work that's being done or competing or that kind of way, but actually joining into some of the great work that's going on.

[46:43]

So we have various kind of collaborations in process. yeah, which I could talk more about, but a lot of some work that's happening in Columbia and Buddhist Asia. And, um, and that's also the collaborations is the part that's the most kind of under development. Um, as I came into this job about seven months ago, so we're still, um, still shaping. So how all of that is, What was your question? How I'm going to do it? Given that it's impossible. Given that it's impossible, how are you doing this with the practice and with just your vision? Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think that that kind of definition of those three circles came out of the careful observing. of what the organization had done and was best at and what other organizations were doing and who each of us were who are on staff and on the board and members and chapters and what people are interested in.

[47:56]

So that's mostly what I've been doing in terms of my work for the past number of months is this kind of observing, talking to people, learning, working with the staff to kind of, it was with the staff that we sort of found a framework that fit both what we thought we were doing and should be doing. So I think that in that way, it's related to what I talked about. And then I think it's also that piece of doing the best that we can with the information that we have at the time. And I think that's a huge, that's, like the hardest thing, maybe the hardest thing for me is feeling like, um, there's way more that needs to be done or way more kind of requests that come in than we are able to meet and having to discern and prioritize. Um, and I try to do that consciously, you know, putting some like intention towards, um, deciding where it is actually the most strategic for us to focus our time and energy for me to focus my time and energy.

[49:08]

Um, um, And other times it's kind of overwhelming. Like there's so much that I actually don't want to be putting my attention towards it. I just kind of do the things that are urgent. And then there isn't that kind of intention and strategy there because it's painful to not be able to do all of it. So it's like I don't even want to look at all of it and decide because I don't want to realize that I'm not able to do all of it. But I think I'm working with that a lot, kind of personally, that kind of like putting in my time, doing the best that I can, and then letting it be enough. And actually then like leaving and doing the other aspects of my life that maybe aren't as obviously socially engaged Buddhism, but are also totally necessary for continuing to live. in a way that's vaguely healthy.

[50:14]

Yes? When you were talking about the man that you were doing the speaking tour with, Renato, and speaking about what he said about his understanding that he was going to be killed, so it seems to me like that's a tremendous demonstration of courage and composure. And I wonder if you have some sense of, is he a special person? Is he really fabulous and he just happened to develop these qualities? Or is it more that something in the environment helped him to get to such a place? Or... How did he get to that place? I know you referenced that a little bit, but you could say more about that.

[51:19]

Yeah, I mean, I think part of it is that he's probably a special person. You know, he was probably, some people are moved to take on more responsibility or to, you know, be out in the forefront of struggles, even if it means risk, they're kind of moved to do that. And, uh, or maybe people call on them to do that because they have some qualities of, um, you know, charisma or whatever else. So they're moved to, and people call on them and that's maybe the specialness. Um, I think My sense, I mean, just thinking about Renato, he was in the community for many years before he became a leader. He wasn't like Luis Eduardo. He wasn't like a leader from the beginning. He wasn't necessarily one of those charismatic people who, when you're thinking who's going to be a leader, you turn to him. I think he actually became a leader while I was living in La Union.

[52:21]

It was like he wasn't when I first showed up. And then, you know, by the end, I was going on speaking tour with him. So I think it was like... very little by little kind of, um, assuming more and more responsibility for his life, but also, um, his life or his role within the community or, or more responsibility for the community actually. And then out of that kind of taking up this role, like someone needs to be the leader. I think that that's something that, that I saw a lot in the peace community was that, um, so many of the leaders were killed. So many of those, you know, the first leader who would occur to you, so many of those really bright, shining leaders were killed that other people were actually, it was like, somebody's got to do it. You know, the peace community is going to fail if there are no leaders. So people actually out of that, um, out of that necessity sort of, uh, sacrificing, really sacrificing and agreeing to do that.

[53:27]

And my sense about that that he said, I mean, a lot of things. I think in part it was just kind of like being used to it. Like when you live in a war zone, when you live in a war zone, you're used to hearing the helicopters and you're used to hearing the bombs. And then when you live in a peace community, you're used to even more kind of intensity around that. And then when you're the leader of a peace community, you know, that if they're coming in, they're coming for you. And it's kind of like, the sense I got was almost like, kind of like he was resigned to it, but without, I feel like resigned has a sort of negative connotation, but like resigned in a kind of positive way, like kind of like, like I was called on, like I was called upon, it was my turn, it was my turn to do it. Um, and I think in some way it's like when the situation is so dire, when you are, when that's your option, when your option is to, um, you know, be batted back and forth between the armed groups or to take a stand as a peace community member.

[54:52]

I mean, none of them, neither of them are really great options. And when the situation is that dire, it's like, um, you're called upon and you can, and people are very courageous. It's kind of occurring to me now that it's like, not that it's more difficult, but it's different when you're not called upon in quite the same way. Like when I could leave, you know, like I chose to go there and I chose to leave when it was time to leave. And Renato couldn't leave, you know? I mean, he could leave the peace community and he'd be at risk in another way. So I think that's a piece of it, too, is kind of making the choice. And then also like that not the options are not great for choices. Those are just some of the things that occur to me.

[55:54]

I could probably think about it more. But does that? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. I was so inspired. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Yuki. I have so many questions, but I'm trying to sleep. Okay. And before, even before going to questions, when you talked about the bear witness, I think we did first practice period together, I care, with the Beatles. Yes. So we didn't talk, probably. At this building in Hazahara, even we didn't talk. And then last summer, I don't know if you remember or not, like, you and me here was in a bathhouse, and I started crying, and you guys were there. That was opened my heart.

[56:58]

That was really, you guys are fair witness. Thank you. Thank you. My first question is that when you're talking about broken heart, it's a necessity to be a bodhisattva. But there's a little difference between a broken heart and open heart because broken heart can easily be closed heart. What is the step to broken heart becoming an open heart? This is my first question. Let me do three questions. Okay. And my second question is that one time I saw somebody in the audience asked, is this war end? Then he didn't answer yes or no. But he said, everything in the world has a meaning. The war exists, has some meaning in it. I kind of know, but I really don't know.

[58:00]

Is there an intuition about that? Is there? There is a meaning in everything. There is a word. There is a meaning in it. Is there an intuition for that for you? And number three is you said there was a kind of a helpless, meaningless feeling in a Zen center. I feel more here than Tazahara. And when it comes, what the strategy, you know? What am I doing here, you know? What do you do? Um, I think the way I was thinking of the heart, the heart kind of idea and, um, I don't know the way, the way that I was thinking of it is more like when we open our hearts, they will be broken. That, uh, And that that's okay.

[59:00]

To be open and broken is okay. So I think I was thinking of it kind of in that order. Like opening and being broken rather than being broken and then what happens. Although... Right. Yes. Yes. I think for me, there was some relief in the idea that actually having a broken heart is okay and it's like, of course. It's like there isn't a problem with it. That was like a shift for me. Instead of thinking like a broken heart is there's something wrong with it and it needs to be fixed or healed or changed, that actually like, yes, that's what happens. And like, it's kind of like, That's part of it. That's part of the being alive and the being open. Yeah.

[60:07]

So that was kind of the way I was playing with that metaphor really around hearts and breaking and opening. We say break open too, right? Like break it open. Like in that kind of order that... Yeah, so that's maybe going in the other order, that breaking leads to openness, to break it open. I don't know. I'm kind of... Yeah, playing with those different ways of looking at it. And I... When you said that Thich Nhat Hanh said, or is... Does the war have an end? And he didn't say yes or no. I really like that a lot. Even I thought that actually just now when I was telling that story about the woman asking me the question, I kind of, no, but I don't really want to say that. You know, everything has an end, right?

[61:09]

So it's not like, no, it doesn't. There is no end. Maybe there is no end in sight, but it still has an end. And in terms of it having a meaning or war having a meaning, I don't know. Somehow that doesn't resonate with me as much. I don't know if war has a meaning. I mean, I think there's like dukkha and life is suffering and like delusions are inexhaustible and so war exists. But if it has a meaning, I don't know. Remind me of your last question. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Right. That's a good one. Yeah.

[62:12]

I don't know if you can like get at it, like head on. Like, I feel like for me, like I went from like having that feeling a lot to not having it. And while I was still living at Zen center, like, and now I'm not, but, but to not having it so much. And I feel like it wasn't like, I didn't really get, I didn't get rid of it through like arguments through like logical argument with myself and like winning myself over to another way of thinking. I feel like, um, like it just shifted. I think that, that idea that I was talking about, about seeing it's all part of the same thing. And like, sometimes my causes and conditions lead me to be in Columbia and sometimes they lead me to be at Tassajara, but it's not like separate or it's not like I'm veering off the path when I go to Tassajara or to Gringold, but that it's actually like the path is just really wide. Like I'm really wide and it like includes, um, of those things in different ways at different times I think that was what I kind of eventually it sort of like stepped into me and I came to believe that eventually but yeah yeah I have I have felt that way yeah um does anyone else want to

[63:51]

Respond to that? Finding meaning at Zen Center? Or have any other thoughts or comments? And maybe it's like time to close. I think it's about time to close. Okay. So like any one more thought or comment? Yes. It's enough. There's nothing lacking. And so whether you're in Zimson or Columbia, it's complete. Buddha nature. Sufficient. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Thank you. But also, like, our situation is dire. In a certain way, as dire as being the leader of the peace community. We don't, I don't know. Like we're all sentenced to death, like in that way?

[64:53]

No, that, I don't know. There was just some meaning in that story, too, about like, we are enough, but also like, we can't, we kind of can't stop there. I don't know. There's still, it's still unresolved or something. I feel like we're holding our ground with the war going on around us. Right here. Yeah. I always think we're the refuge. This is refuge for people to be able to come to. I've stayed here all these years because it was refuge for me many years ago and that The work that I do allows for people to come, as I did as a guest student many years ago, and see that there's another way to hold things. So whether I've been at Tassar or Green Gulch, and each one of them were always being held as letting someone come for possibly some respite, possibly some kind of clarity in being able to look at

[66:14]

how they're holding something. So I think this work is always with what we offer to Greenville for many, many people in many areas, young women coming from Hurricane Katrina and being able to have a chance to regroup when everything was uprooted, or young women who had a chance to come from massacre and have a place to nourish themselves to look at how that direction is going to be held without being held in anger or hatred because that's the other thing that comes from socially engaged activism in my experience without a Buddhist perspective is the hatred takes over and not that the anger and the hatred doesn't come up no matter where you are but you have some basis to work with it. And that's what I just always felt like was the part of what I wanted to be here, offering socially engaged Buddhism.

[67:22]

Yes. Thank you all for answering that question. And I think that that's what I meant. about it looks different at different times for different people, but that it's all part of the same thing. And about how for me it isn't like Buddhism goes up to here and then socially engaged Buddhism goes to there. It's like different expressions under different circumstances.

[68:03]

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