So, well, good evening, good morning for some of you. It's very nice to be back. I'm sorry about last week. I wasn't sure when the intensive at Green Gulch was going to end. And as it turned out, we didn't really end until 11 o'clock on Tuesday morning with a big pile of cookies and tea, which is kind of a classic way for Zen retreats to finish with kind of a big sugar rush. So we all got together in the dining room to say our goodbyes and ate lots of cookies and then we drove home. Got back here Tuesday evening, late Tuesday afternoon. So anyway, welcome back to our life of retirement at Ansel Village. It was really a wonderful thing to go back to Green Gulch and to re-acclimate to the temple schedule. you know, after being away for quite a while, traveling for a while and living here for a while. I wasn't sure how it was going to be to return to a schedule that begins, you know, for me at 340 in the morning with a cup of tea and some Dharma reading.

[01:29]

And then we start sitting at five to 40 minute periods and then off to the other parts of the day, including more sitting, classes, meals and working I had the great privilege of going back to the kitchen, where many years ago I was the Tenzo or the head cook at Green Gulch, and so I had the happy opportunity to just, not just, but to be on the crew, which I've always thought was the highest form of life in the Zen community, is just be one of the crew, and you get to be with other people you do the same tasks together you support each other it's very physical and it's it's very nice you know you finish these large uh seemingly impossible tasks of chopping gallons and gallons of various vegetables and so on but sure enough with four of us pretty quickly we'd have the that one done and go on to the next so it was it was quite wonderful um so i'm a little sad at leaving again because there were many good things that happened

[02:35]

and those spaces between the formal sitting periods and the silent meals and the silent work. And there was also very good things that happened during the spaces of our many formal rituals and practices, one of which I'm going to share with you. One of them happened to me and the other one to my dear friend and partner, Karina, who's in the other room right now helping to kind of back up this program. She's the tech support, as many of you know. So anyway, Karina's story first. So she had wanted to be assigned to the Zendo as what's called a Doan. The Zendo Doans are responsible for all the soundscapes that go on during the day, during the monastic schedule, particularly during a retreat like we were doing. So the way you know when to be where and at what time is you hear the sounds. You don't really need a watch when you're in the monastery. You basically just listen. And after a while, you know what sounds mean come to meals, what sounds mean go back to the zendo, or go to class, or whatever it is.

[03:40]

So that's the job of the doans. And so Karina was becoming quite good at being a doan and doing the different parts. And then the big one, the big position, is to be sitting at the bells. I think when I showed you the photographs two weeks back of the zendo, There at Green Gulch, there's this great big bell, a whole bunch of bell that the dawn hits during service. And then there's some smaller bells that also are hit during service. And so that's where Karina was sitting. She was sitting right there with the bells. And the bells are coordinated with the person who's leading service. It's called the doshi. So the priests are the ones who lead the service. They go to the head of the room in the middle, and there's a bowing mat there, and they offer incense, and they bow, and they do all kinds of things. And then the doan is sort of the musical accompaniment for what the doshi is doing, and that helps the group of people to know what to do as well. So we all kind of chant together, and we bow together, and so on. Some of you have been part of those rituals, so you know what I'm talking about.

[04:44]

So anyway, so Karina had this opportunity to be sitting at the bell, and I knew she was working hard because I saw her studying the different chants that we do and when to hit the bell just right. So I asked her if it'd be okay to tell you about this particular thing that happened. As she was sitting there one evening with the striker, the little thing you hit the bell with, the striker, in her hand, and poised to hit the final sound of the day, as the priest, whose leading service, was about to make their final bow. So in this case, the priest was our teacher, Reb Anderson, who was standing at the mat for the final bell to sound. So anyway, Carina was very certain that he'd only bowed once. So the bell sounds on the second of two bows there at the very end. Try to picture this. The doshi, the priest, is up at the bowing mat. They step into the bowing mat, and they do a bow, and they step out of the bowing mat, and they do a second bow.

[05:48]

And it's the second bell that is when the person with the striker hits the sound, makes the sound of the bell. If that's making any sense at all. Anyway, the point being that Karina was watching as Reb was standing there at the mat. And she watched him and she was waiting, poised there with her striker. And she was so intent on doing it right that she didn't really notice that he'd done the first bow. And so when he stepped back to do the second bow, she just kept staring at him with her striker poised. And so, we all heard this. So then Reb said, somewhat loud voice, he said, bell. And so Karina, poor devil, struck the bell, right? So, you know, that doesn't sound like much, I know. But having been in that position myself many times, as those of us who've dared to enter into Zen training have been, it's really unnerving, you know, to make mistakes.

[06:49]

And yet it gives us a really good opportunity to look at our relationship to mistakes you know how deeply we care to do things well and how painful it is for us all of us when things go awry you know bell so anyway I had done my own version of a mistake earlier in the intensive when Reb had invited me to lead service one evening, something I hadn't done for quite a few months, although I'd done it for so many years, I thought, yeah, of course, I'd just go up there and I'd do my thing. So I got up to the center of the room, and as I was standing there, I realized I had no idea what I was supposed to do next. So I stepped into the mat, I did some bows, I did some more bows, and then I looked at the dawn. It wasn't Karina, at that time it was another person. I looked at the dawn like, well, do something. And so he very kindly started hitting the bell, which allowed me to remember what I was supposed to be doing and go back up and offer some more incense, come back around and do some more bows.

[07:53]

And eventually I remembered what the pattern was. But the thing that's so funny is that nobody really knows you know, any of this. None of the newer students have any idea that there's anything wrong ever. You know, they're just so grateful to be, you know, to be not doing something themselves or to be sitting or standing or whatever they're getting to do. So they're not really paying attention. But, you know, some of the old timers notice and they don't care either because they've made so many mistakes themselves, you know. But this is really, I think, where we have come. you know, in our practice life, we've really come to invite those moments of, like modest moments of horror, like, oh, no, you know, the minute when you realize you are either late for something or you are missed something or whatever. I remember when I first lived at the city center many, many, many years ago now, and I was dawn. for evening service and my job was to hit the great big bell that's in the hall there to signal everybody to come to Zazen.

[08:59]

So I had happened to have gone to Green Gulch that day and with a friend and we were down at the beach when I looked at my watch and realized it was time for me to be hitting that bell. And it was not physically possible, although I thought about if I could possibly transport myself back to the city center in order to hit that bell. But at some point you just go, nope, it's not gonna happen. I'm just gonna have to face the folks when I get back and say, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I missed the bell. And then not lie. And that's the other trick. I was at the beach, rather than, The dog ate my homework or whatever kinds of things we've tended to make up in our lives to excuse ourselves for things that we just simply forgot or we missed. So it was good training, I think, over the years to learn to just say, I'm sorry I missed the bell. That's all. And to bow, you know, without any big story about why or how that happened.

[10:01]

So anyway, this brings me to the talk, the next talk in Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, which is entitled Original... Buddhism. And in this talk Suzuki Rashi says that actually we are not the Soto school at all. We are just Buddhists. We're not even Zen Buddhists. If we understand this point, we are truly Buddhists. That's pretty strong. So I think what he's doing in this talk is to call us to task for thinking of ourselves in sectarian ways, you know, as Soto Zen students or even as Zen students, instead of seeing ourselves as people devoted to the practices of awakening, which is what a Buddhist means. Buddha means to be awake. Buddha is the word for awake. So he then describes this inclusive, how Buddhism really is this all-inclusive teaching, which arose with the awakening of the young man over 2,500 years ago.

[11:06]

a great many teachings that have arisen and inspirations that have come from that young man's awakened experience. And of course, the most important of all the teachings which came from the Buddha are the teachings of compassion, both for ourselves and for others. So in the Marrow of Zen, which is another one of the talks that we looked at a few, well, actually almost a year ago, I guess, it was back in March of last year, Suzuki Roshi recounts the story of these four horses that are told in the Samyukta Kama Sutra. And it's familiar to some of you, I think, but it's a really good story and a good one to remember, particularly around this example of mistakes, making mistakes. So the best horse runs before it sees the shadow of the whip. You know, the second best runs just before the whip touches his skin. The third horse runs when it feels pain on its body. And the fourth only after the pain penetrates to the marrow of its bones, which makes it very difficult for the fourth horse to learn how to run.

[12:15]

So Suzuki Roshi comments that we all want to be that best horse. the one that runs at the shadow of the whip. But in Zen training, it does not matter whether you are the best or the worst horse. The Buddha would have much more sympathy and compassion for the worst horse, as do we all. So he goes on to note that when one practices Zazen with the great mind of Buddha, we discover that the worst horse is the most valuable one. You know, it's our very imperfection. that leads to our growth and to our way-seeking mind. So when we can sit perfectly with no physical strain, it can take a longer time to obtain the true feeling or the marrow of Zen. I remember my yoga teacher way back when saying that people with loose hamstrings have a hard time doing yoga. because it's too easy, you know, it's just too easy. I never had that problem with sitting meditation. So, you know, those who find practice more difficult may also find it deeply more meaningful.

[13:20]

So because of compassion, we can't use such ordinary terms about practice such as good or bad. It may well be that those who have more difficulty actually flourish in their practice by the end. You know, we tend to evaluate where we are in each and every day to continually feel kind of ashamed of where we are, how we're doing, we're not good enough, or we haven't done this or didn't finish that. So this tendency of ours towards self-criticism, which often can border on self-hatred, is a really unhealthy aspect of how many of us grew up in this culture. You know, I remember asking students over the years, you know, how many of you like yourself? How many of you like yourself? And one guy in the back would raise his hand. Well, good for you. Good for you. But most people, it was surprising at first, but then I realized, oh, that's pretty common. That's a pretty common feeling in this culture, is to not admire yourself or feel good about yourself.

[14:27]

Good thing to look into. Why is that? How did that happen to us? So Roshi then says that Dogen, Zenji offered the Buddhist tradition a very different perspective on good and bad by saying that to succeed wrong with wrong or to make one continuous mistake in Japanese, which is shō shaku jū shaku, one continuous mistake, can also be the life of a Zen master due to their single-minded effort. And although one continuous mistake doesn't sound so great for us, For Dogen, it means we ought not to be content or satisfied with what we've already done. That's in the past. And we ought not to be content with what we plan to do because that's in the future. All we can ever do is make a wholehearted effort right now. Is it good? Is it bad? There's no way to tell. Just right now, your best effort. Bell. So here is the place.

[15:30]

Here the way unfolds. as Dogen says, and then let go in order to face what's coming next. So you do your best and then you move on to the next best. Next best. Best what? Best effort. So Suzuki Roshi then says that the awareness that you are here right now is the ultimate fact. This is the point you will realize in your Zazen practice. This ultimate fact that you are here right now. In continuous practice, under a succession of agreeable and disagreeable situations, you will come to realize the marrow of Zen and acquire its true strength. For Suzuki Roshi, wholehearted effort is so many years of shō shaku jū shaku, meaning so many years of one single-minded effort and one single vow to live for the benefit of all beings and failing over and over and over again.

[16:35]

Which is why, as I have mentioned before, that the Enso, in Enso village, is an unfinished circle. It starts bold and then it comes around the side and then it feathers out. It doesn't close, the circle isn't closed. And that's because this task that we've taken upon ourselves as bodhisattvas, the bodhisattva commitment, to work for the benefit of others. We'll never get there. We'll never finish. There's always more to do. There's always more beings to hear about and hear their suffering and try to help in any way you can, you know, never ending. Just like that circle doesn't end, doesn't close. But then the next generation comes along as many, I saw many wonderful young people at this intensive, you know, there were, it was wonderful. age range. You know, we're kind of used to everyone being more or less the same age here at Enso Village. But at Green College there were kids running around at certain times of day and then there were the older people like us and then there were the newer students who were so inspiring as they always are.

[17:39]

So we just give it our best effort. That's all we can do. And that's good. That's good. So the point that Roshi's making in this evening's talk has to do with holding on to some fixed idea or fixed view about ourselves and about our own way of practice. You know, holding on to ideas about what's right and what's wrong, who's right and who's wrong, and all of that, that we all know so well. It's our pride in our own understanding, he says, that blocks our compassion for our own mistakes and for the mistakes made by others. he then collapses all of the many traditions of buddhism including buddhism itself into a singular realization that buddhism is just truth it's just the truth is reality itself which was here long before anyone ever sat a period of zaza reality itself has been here you know

[18:41]

incalculable amount of time, more than we can possibly imagine. The inconceivability of the universe is always at our back. It's where we're from. It's where we're born from and where we go, where we return. So this all-inclusive, all-pervading, and all-forgiving, or not, reality is what we have and who we are. And not forgiving is okay, too, because that's included in this all-inclusive universe. Everything's included. And so we have to work with it, we have to meet it, we have to understand it, we have to understand ourselves and give all we can, make our best effort to be kind. As the Dalai Lama said, our religion is kindness. So Zazen practice, Roshi says, is the practice which includes all of the basic activities of life. Just sitting helps teach us about all of the many ways of acting throughout the day, teaches us to be careful, to be quiet sometimes, how to be quiet, how to listen, how to be reliable and enthusiastic, to be balanced and kind.

[19:51]

He says that to do something, to live in each moment, means to be the temporal activity of Buddha. And that the temporal, in time, activity of Buddha is all of the activities happening throughout space and time. we tend to think that what we are doing in our own lives is independent of others. Kind of think that way. I alone or I'm alone. And to think that what we do and who we are is the most important thing. That's kind of natural. But this kind of thinking is what Roshi has been calling throughout Zen Mind Beginner's Mind our small mind, our small self-centered mind. And yet as we have been hearing in our study of the great Flower Ornament Sutra, which Reb Anderson was lecturing on during this intensive, it's our small mind, you know, that is a portal, a portal to big mind. In fact, each phenomena, each thing is a portal to the vastness of creation itself.

[20:58]

So as Karina was saying by the end of the intensive, you know, little bell, big mind. Little bell. Big mind. And so it is. And Roshi then ends this particular lecture saying that today it's raining. This is Buddha's teaching. Religion is not any particular teaching. Religion is everywhere. We should forget all about some particular teaching. We should not ask which one is good and which one is bad. There should not be any particular teaching. Teaching is in each moment in every existence. And that is the true teaching. So that's my comments for this evening. And I very much appreciate hearing anything and everything you all would like to bring up. Well, let me first go to... Yes, there it is. Hello, hello. Nice to see you all. I'm going to just say some names.

[22:01]

and which I really have been enjoying doing and welcoming new people. So hello, Kathy. Nice to see you. And Linda on my other side. At least that's what I say. I have Kathy on my left and I have Linda on my right. Hi, Linda. And Alex. Welcome, Alex. Helene and Griffin. Mushol. Jerry. Brent. Lisa. Tim. Peggy. Welcome, Peggy. Amr, nice to see you. Drew, Meredith, welcome, Meredith. Marianne, and I'm sure Carmina's close at hand. Say hello to her for me and us. And Cynthia, and Kate, Kate Summers. Paul and Kate Page, Carol and Val. Hello, all of you are my dear neighbors. Hello, Hope, and Justin, and Jacqueline. Welcome back, Jacqueline. Nice to see you again. Shozan. There she is. Welcome.

[23:02]

Stephen. Hello, Stephen. Senko, way far away. Good morning. And Tom. Hello, Tom. And Dean. Terry. Welcome, Terry. Kakawan. Hello, Kakawan. And Chris Bowman. Adrienne. Renee. Michelle. And Melissa. Oh, yes, thank you. Karina, remind me, I got a very sweet note from Echo, who you already remembered, who is always in that snowy scene. Anyway, Echo was very sorry not to be able to join us for a while because they have got a job that requires them to be somewhere else at this time of the day. So they're hoping to come back. I'm hoping they'll come back, and they'll be listening to us on the recording. So anyway, a warm hello. from echo to all of you. Okay, Marianne. Hello, good evening.

[24:05]

Good evening, Sangha. It's good to see you all. Yeah, I read this twice, the particular piece, the original Buddhism, and I think I wrote you an email and I called it the old Buddhism, but it's the original Buddhism, this particular chapter. And it really struck me how important this is. This week around the world, it's been something that's been trying to be promoted among grade schools, high schools, and colleges, and that is known as the Interfaith Harmony Week. The idea of recognizing the goodness of all religious traditions, all practices, and trying to help us to understand one another. more deeply. Again, as you often say, Fu, we might not be like-minded, but the idea of promoting like-heartedness. I was struck here by this in the sense that when he says at the last paragraph on page two, no school should consider itself a separate school.

[25:12]

And I was thinking, wow, this aligns with the whole idea of emptiness teaching. The idea that, you know, and again, what helps me to understand emptiness teaching is Thich Nhat Hanh's version of it where he talks about interbeing, you know, the inter-are. And so the idea is it's going to work against us if we, as you were saying in your sharing, if we just solely identify I'm Soto Zen, I'm not Tibetan, I'm not this, I'm not that. It just pulls us away. from, I think, the energy to really see how we are really all connected. And so I really found this a helpful way to understand emptiness teaching. So thank you very much. Good, good. It really is a strong talk he's giving, you know? And Dogen was very clear about that too. He didn't call himself Soto Zen, ever. That got put on him later on because of who he had an affinity for, which teachers he had an affinity for.

[26:20]

and the lineage of teaching. But it was like, Buddha is the teacher. And whatever we learned from the awakened, awakened event, the realization, that's the teacher. And that's for each of us to awaken to that truth. Right? It's nothing to do with what what symbols were wearing or what kind of congregation calls itself and so on. So I'm so happy that that's that this week is the week for interfaith. Harmony, yes. Interfaith harmony. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Hello, Hope. Hello, Fu. Hello, Sangha. So I'm struck by that line that I hear a lot in Zen, which is, it does not matter what you do. I think Suzuki Roshi says that a lot. It does not matter what you do. And I find that line really comforting because it reminds me that just finding my place where I am is the practice.

[27:32]

And it also confuses me so much because if it doesn't matter what I do, why practice? Why practice? become a monk? Why live at a temple? Why practice forms? Why, if it doesn't matter, what I do? That was Dogen's question. If we're already Buddha, which is what the primary teaching of the lineage is, of the Buddha is, you're already Buddha. You just don't know what that is. You don't know what it means. So you're kind of in a daze. You're walking around in a fog. But the fact that he didn't understand either, why do I have to practice if I'm already Buddha? What's the point? Well, it wasn't a point other than he needed to answer that question for himself. And when he finally did, it wasn't an intellectual response. It wasn't a, oh, now I get it. You know, his whole body understood what it was that he was trying to understand with his head.

[28:41]

And he said, as you know, drop body and mind. Dropped body and mind. His teacher had said that to the monks, drop body and mind. And he did. He did it. It wasn't a thought. It was an experience, a realization. Just like the Buddha, when he dropped body and mind as separate, or the star as separate, or something outside of himself. So we've heard this thing over and over again. not outside of yourself. There's no outside of yourself. It's all of one fabric woven beautifully together. So you can't do anything to get out of the truth, out of reality. However, if you don't understand the answer to your question, you have to dig really deep. You have to take your questions like a shovel and you have to dig after a response that feeds you, that feeds your hunger. And there's lots of pointers. There's all through this. And it also says it does matter what you do. So you can find one place that says it doesn't matter what you do.

[29:44]

Another place that every single, there's no place to spit. There's no place on the ground you can spit because it's all sacred. So, you know, you can find whatever you need on both sides of any argument. But really, it's when you end argumentation and you come face to face with what's right in front of you, And that's where you are, right? Here's the place. Here the way unfolds. Be there. And then say something. So, but you know that. Yeah, I knew you knew. Okay, back to work. Hello, Cynthia. Hello, Fu. Hello, Sangha. Hope, thank you for bringing that up. I thought I had studied Buddhism over the years and I would have heard that before, but I think what I've always imagined is it absolutely does matter what you do.

[30:49]

So I'm confused. How could you say Dogen said it doesn't matter what you do? I don't remember reading that or saying that, but Hope, where'd you see that or hear that? Do you think I said that? I think that it was in his talk, in this Suzuki Roshi talk. What the context was about which religion or what was he saying? It doesn't matter. Anyway, I think it was in the context of religious beliefs or... Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I thought I just got a big... mission slip to, you know, run around and be a maniac, but that wasn't... You do. You do. You can do that. It's included in reality. Whatever you do is included. You can't get out of your actions, nor can you get out of the consequences to your actions.

[31:51]

So if you want to run around like an idiot and, you know, bop people in the nose and take their money or whatever you want to do, you can do it. However, there will be consequences. So you should understand cause and effect. Along with freedom, you should know perfect freedom you have to do whatever you want. You ought to know that there are consequences. The other side of freedom is that there are consequences. Well, I do like the idea that it doesn't matter what religion you adhere to. I think at a talk, at a Dharma talk once, I heard them say... It doesn't matter what religion you are. If that religion makes you a better person, then that's the religion for you. I do like the idea that it doesn't matter what you do as far as when you are discussing mistakes you make. You don't have to be buried or identified by your worst moment.

[32:51]

There's always an opportunity to wake up the next day and think again. Anyway, but thank you for this little conversation because I don't want to run around and be a maniac and cause harm and think that that's going to be okay in this practice. And I actually never thought it would. So you've been safe. We're still safe. We're safe from you. That's really nice to know. Thank you. And it's wonderful to see you again, Fu. You too. Thank you. Always nice to see you, all of you. Hi, Griffin. Hello. I'm going to bring in an experience some of us just had here at ENSO attending a seasonal celebration because this time of season, the darkness is giving way a little bit to lightness.

[33:55]

And me, in some sense, this represents an affinity I have for sunnier times when my mistakes, the delusions from my echoing self will have some light shed on them. When really, The point seems to be, and even the point of the celebration, is to open in the darkness. I'm recalling Suzuki Roshi in another section of Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, talking about we should be like a dark sky, that if we listened with pureness and clarity and emptiness,

[34:56]

And accepting exactly what's happening in the moment. My experience lately is seeing that when I sit Zazen in the Zendo, there's more spaciousness and freedom to see when a delusional thought arises and to not be ensnared by it. So I'm very attracted to it. to the form and the routine and the bell and the robes and the, you know. And yet when I'm home in my apartment, surrounded by my mistakes and delusional thinking, I'm wishing for sunnier times instead of having that same

[36:02]

sort of opening to a dark sky. Yeah. You know, letting that self go. I think a lot of the people who came for the intensive were saying very much what you're saying, that they've come, some of them came from Europe, they came from, you know, took time out of their very busy lives, they're, you know, to spend three weeks doing what you were just talking about in the quiet and the dark and the... It's not totally dark, but it's dim. But it's quiet and it's sweet. And we're not chatting. There's not a lot of chatting going on. It's just a lot of permission to be together and pay attention to each other, how we move through space. you know, what, what you're doing when you're in the kitchen and when you're out there in the fields and so on. So it's a, it's a, it's a real privilege to live that way with other humans. That's not our normal. That's not a normal behavior around each other. So I think like you, they long, you know, they think, Oh, I have to wait a whole year before I come back.

[37:09]

So I think reconciling the light in the dark is a big part of our mission as human beings, because we get both sides, right? Every night, We go to sleep. Every day we awaken and we have to deal with these two very seemingly very different parts of our existence. The light and the dark depend on each other to even make any sense. No light, no dark. You don't need dark if you only have light. You don't need light if you only have dark. So, you know, we have to keep looking at these binary propositions that are coming at us all the time. Big one being you and me. We have to keep looking at that and seeing that it's illusory. Dark and light are illusory and self and others illusory. And the more freedom we get as we recognize, as you said, those funny little creatures running around in our heads are friendly, they're friendly ghosts, but they need to be respected and spoken to kindly and so on.

[38:10]

So it's an ongoing process as I was hearing you speak and I feel like you know, if and when you're able to merge a little more that time in the zendo with your time in your house, you know, that's sort of what I'm hoping for, too. I want to see how they're not so different, you know, how they're really both parts enrich the other, right? Anyway, thank you for sharing that Griffin. Yeah. Hello, Michelle. Hi, Phu. Hi. Hi. I struggle with self-compassion. I know you've talked about that today. And one of the things that I struggle a lot with that you mentioned was the idea of doing your best, because that could always, it always seems like the best is something else to be completed that I haven't been able to get to. So how do you reconcile with doing your best and

[39:12]

in this practice, knowing that it's like that circle that never ends, it won't be whatever the best can be, or it looks like in your mind is not necessarily what will be fulfilled. How do you kind of Yeah, hard for me to sit in that and think it's okay. Yeah, well, I think if we think of the best as being as opposed to the worst, then we got a problem. But I think what he means by best, I think I did say that I hope I said is best effort. your best your wholehearted effort that's kind of his most favorite phrase he uses again and again wholehearted effort in doing what you're doing so really bringing your attention energy whatever amount you've got left you know some of us are getting less and less energy as the years go by but whatever that energy is bringing it to bear on each activity you're doing, whether it's washing dishes, or putting the laundry in the machine, or walking down the hall, or whatever you're doing, to use the same kind of understanding that you have when you're sitting upright in the zendo, and you don't have something to do, but you get this being.

[40:25]

Your being is fully inhabiting. Your body is filled up with its own existence. And you kind of take that with you as you walk out the door and do the next thing, how you greet people. So there's so much we can all promise ourselves to attend to without judging. It's like, well, that was really good the way you said hi to that person. Okay, I could do better, I suppose. But each time, each thing that I do throughout the day, I get a chance to do it again. And I get a chance to recognize that, you know, that was a full effort I just made. You know, I was there for that. That's okay. And if I'm not, that's okay too. You know, this tradition is very forgiving of us. Thank goodness. So it's a lot of intention, you're saying more than the goal. Yeah, effort, effort. The effort. Yeah, intention would be more like where you're planning to go.

[41:28]

But effort is like now. How you hit that bell, like poor Karina. She had her best effort, but she didn't make any sound. It's kind of a combination of doing the thing that you're hoping to do and then your best effort at doing it. Of course, the mistakes are just also provisional. There's no such thing as a mistake. You're just practicing with the bells. You're practicing sitting. You're practicing. I love that we use the word practice. I remember asking in my early years at Zen Center, what are we practicing? You keep saying practice this, practice that. What is this practice thing? And it still was sort of confusing me for a long time. Aren't we going to perform? Aren't we practiced enough? We get to actually do it? And then after my partner Grace had her terrible accident, I thought, oh, this is what I've been practicing for. I'm practicing for my life, you know, for how to care for my life and choices I need to make and so on.

[42:36]

So I do think practicing when it's just bells and whatever other things that aren't such big league ideas that we have, practicing to do your best with everyday life gets you ready because the big ones are coming. We know that. They're already in the mail. We know they're coming. And so we're getting ready to meet what comes and hopefully with a welcoming, you know, welcome. I knew you were coming. I'm sorry, Michelle. What did you say? Oh, thank you. Thank you. Okay. Take care. Okay. Hello, Stephen. Hi, Stephen. Hi there. When you talked about the portal, that's what I was moved by. And so I've been thinking a lot about that. And the portal for me is that place where my temporal self meets my ultimate self.

[43:45]

And then I picture the stepping stones that bring me to that portal. One stepping stone on the left side, let's say, brings me is about finding my own truth or living the wholehearted way. Because to me, I find my truth, my way of being in the world through my heart. That's my practice. The other side, the other step on the right side is compassion. Because as I find my truth, In order to stay with that, which is a very, very vulnerable, exposed place, requires immense compassion and love. And that brings me closer and closer to the portal, which then opens me to the ultimate, to beings in general, whatever you want to call it.

[44:48]

Yeah, well, you've just named, I know you know, the two wings of the bird of Buddha's teaching are compassion and wisdom. So you've got the one side, the wisdom side, that's vulnerable and learning and always sort of looking more at things. And then the compassion side, which really, this one's, the wisdom side is at the service of the compassion side, always. If it's the other way around, we're kind of leaning the wrong way. The bird doesn't fly so good when it's leaning on the wisdom rather than compassion. Because that's more mind. What's that? Because that brings too much mind. Yes. There's not enough for body experience. Yes. And I think one more thing I would suggest, I like everything you said, sounds really encouraging. What we were hearing about over this three-week period was everything's a portal. every moment is a portal, every object is a portal, that every phenomenon, every sound, every smell, every taste, touch, and so on, every thought is a portal to the vastness.

[46:01]

Because they're completely linked, right? Yeah, I totally agree. Right? It's not even the gateless gate. And yet we turn one way in order to do certain kinds of things, and then we turn the other way in order to be relieved. from having done those certain kinds of things right so we can fly we can we can enjoy a rest a nice respite from our effort from our ongoing effort so yes i think um i think that was an exciting for me it was very exciting to think of each thing as a portal yeah thank you yeah thank you steven Hi, Dean. Hi, Fu. You know, every week I think I'm not going to say something because I listen to, I go back and listen to a lot of lectures.

[47:11]

These talks as other talks and the talks where I speak up, I often find myself cringing at what I have said. And I think, oh, my God, you sounded like a nine-year-old boy. And everybody heard you. And there's a lecture that I've been listening to over and over. And I have to suffer through these first few minutes where I am mortified at how ridiculous I sound. And then I go off into this tangent about how can I block that out? How can I edit it out? Because I want to share this information with people. I was thinking what Hope said about it doesn't matter. And I thought, for me, everything matters, but almost nothing is important.

[48:14]

And... And I recently went through an experience where I put in tremendous effort to not be separate. I put in tremendous effort to not other. And it was really hard. And I showed up, and I did not separate myself. And the hurt was the same. And I was absolutely, completely, earnestly compassionate. And, you know, I've got 25 years of practice behind me. And...

[49:17]

I no longer doubt my faith in this practice. And I keep trying and I keep learning because I listened through to your first precepts lecture. I don't know, it could be somewhere around 18, 19 times. I just listened to it over and over. And I was able to go into an environment and be completely open and compassionate. And nothing hurt me. And I realized how lucky I am because I don't have to suffer. I can hurt. I can be sad. But suffering is not part of what I have to do. And it was 100% me... allowing that to be that way.

[50:23]

So I am going to encourage everybody to hold the precepts. It reminds us, as Fuwa said, and I recently was at a Dharma talk and I brought up the precepts are to help us navigate our humanness. I've got a lot of humanness. I've got a whole lot of humanness, and I am happy to spout it off on a regular basis. And it is what helps us participate in life. So I just want to, hopefully I won't regret this. Chances are I won't listen to this again, so I won't have to. But anyway, I just want to encourage everybody. that we have, we really and truly have everything we need. We just need to let it be okay to have it.

[51:26]

So that's me for today. Thank you. Dean, that was lovely. That was so lovely. Thank you for that. I know what you did was hard and I really appreciate your telling us, you know, I really do. I just felt all warm. I got a warm feeling around my heart. So thank you, really, truly. I really want to say something. We'll come. Okay. Carmina. Maestro. Maestra. Aquí vengo. Aquí vengo. Buenos noches. Sí, buenas noches a todos. You know, hello, Sangha. Hello, Carmina. I don't know if this is piggybacking on Dean's remarks, but it did remind me of something that, you know, here we meet, you know, every Sunday.

[52:38]

And some of us, you know, are there at the 1015 or actually the 1020. talk on Sunday mornings. And, you know, really, I've gotten to know so many people and at such a level, such depth, you know, because we're all struggling and, you know, we need to touch base with you every Sunday afternoon, Sunday evening. It just brings us together. But then that's kind of the end zone here. But what prompts, you know, these remarks is that when you were away, Fu, people worked very hard.

[53:39]

They know who they are to bring us together in, I don't know, felt like three months. I don't know. I can't remember how much time it was, but it was like people just melted away. And sometimes it was five people or six people, and three of those had done a whole lot of work to bring us together. And it's like the sangha just kind of, where was it, you know? And Marianne and I talked about this a lot, that That we needed to cohere, even if you weren't here. It rhymes, okay? We needed to cohere, and we didn't. It was like, who's gone? What does it matter? What does what I have to say matter to members out there? It was like we were in grade school or something, and...

[54:44]

Our kindergarten teacher was missing, and it was like there wasn't chaos. There weren't enough of us to be chaos. But this is a plea for people. Our song got to hang together. And nobody loves you more than I do. Nobody's learned more than I have from anyone but you. But I learned from everyone who has that. the guts to point out their problem, you know, what the problem is with their practice. So I'm just being a cheerleader for the Sangha and hoping that even if when we look at all, you know, our little squares, that we don't see people looking so bored, okay? Or looking like they're doing 10 different things when the person that they like the least has a question or a problem or a comment.

[55:48]

So I just had to get that off my chest because it has bothered Marianne and I. So I think I speak for both of us in just wanting the group to cohere when you're not here. Well, you'll be happy to know that I won't be here next Sunday. So I almost forgot to tell you that there's an opening of the city center, all this big remodel that's been going on there. There's a celebration for the donors on Sunday from 2 to 4. So I'll be driving back to Healdsburg at the time you all are going to be together. Okay, so I hope you'll come, and I hope that you'll all have something to offer. Why don't you read the next talk, Suzuki Roshi talk, and everybody take a turn offering something from the talk or whatever you'd like to do. But I'd like to, when I come back the following week, and I'd like to check with you, Carmina, and see how it went.

[56:55]

You take role. I'll do that. You do that. She's an old professor. She knows how to do that. Oh, I do. And I memorized all my students that first night. Yeah, so beware. I can deal with 30 people. Okay, thank you. Well, thank you, Carmina. Thank you, Marianne. Both of you. It's always a joy to have you part of our sangha. I just want to say, Carmina, count me in. Thank you for saying that. Yay. Thank you. And Melissa was a big player, too, so we want to hope that Melissa will be open. Oh, my God. Melissa worked so hard. And Echo and Marianne. Yeah. I know I'm leaving somebody out. The angels flew in. Yes. And so, you know, what is it when you separate, is it the amoeba, the parmesan, you know, and some grows back?

[57:58]

Well, it grew back. But when you came, see, you had to come back to bring us back together. And that's good and that's bad. Well, like all things, there's two sides. The light and the dark. That's right. Well, you know, we're all on our way somewhere else. But in the meantime, we can keep making these little murmurations. This is a murmuration. And it's wonderful. And I couldn't be more grateful to be able to find you all. You know, I mean, you're all over the place. This is the weirdest thing ever. I mean, this is really not possible. It's completely magic. And at the same time, we're all going, oh, yeah, yeah, Zoom. Nothing to it. But holy cow. Anyway, I think we have a great deal to be grateful for. And now I'm going to be grateful to welcome Senko. Hi, Senko. Yeah, I was also struggling like Dean.

[59:00]

Should I ask my question? But I feel encouraged somehow now. I feel the practice, one of the greatest gifts from the Zen practice is I get to know I'm delusional. I'm doing things like, oh, this is delusion. That's delusion. And it's so helpful to me. But it also makes it very difficult because this is Chinese New Year. I'm getting together with my family. From China, my extended family, my siblings, I just particularly one of them, I see how she's making mistakes. And that's big delusion. And I see that. But then she told me I'm lonely. She's like, I'm lonely. So she's getting into a relationship. I just think it's not the right. It's just because of the urge, right? Delusion. And act out. It's very difficult for me to watch it now. I think, oh, I don't know. What should a Buddhist do? because I don't think I should preach. Yeah. Remember, there's a story about the Zen master whose sister invited him to come to her house because her teenage son was misbehaving terribly.

[60:07]

And she said, I can't get him under control. He won't listen to me. So the old man came to the house and he ate the meal and he didn't say anything to the boy. And then at the end of the meal, he went over to to put his shoes on and he asked the boy if he could help him get his shoes on. And as the boy was doing that, he felt this water dropping on him. And he looked up and the old man was crying. And that transformed the boy. Somebody really cared about him. So we don't know what the way What the kind way. But it's going to have to be something kind because you know that already. That's the law. Something kind and something caring. And you care for her, right? So that should be a lot for her to know you care for her. And, you know, we've all made mistakes in a relationship. That's sort of like, yeah, what else is new?

[61:10]

I mean, people do make mistakes in relationships and then they work through it and hopefully they... you know, find, learn something that they can use. So they maybe don't make the same kinds of mistakes over and over. But I think that's part of life too. Like you were saying, this is just part of life is to, is to be lonely, to have people care about you, to make mistakes and to keep growing if possible. So that would be my wish for her is that she would keep learning and growing in her life. Yeah. You know? Yeah, maybe. But you're right. You're right. Yeah, I think one time I was talking to her, and I feel like she didn't want to talk to me, so I sent a message, I love you. And that was it. And I don't know if it's going to be effective, though. Well, I would like a message like that from you, so it's probably pretty nice. Just keep sending them. Yeah, it's hard, because I have to tell her no many things, like boundaries also.

[62:15]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's another one. That's a good one. Kind and firm, as my therapist used to say, child rearing. You're kind, good and firm, not just kind and not just fine. You have to have both in balance, you know. So, all right. Well, nice to see you. Thank you. Thanks, Fu. Thanks, everyone. Hi, Fu. Hi, Helene. Hi, everyone. It's always so good to see everybody. Building on what Senko said, I had an experience during the week where I am Zoom friends with someone who is in an unhealthy relationship with my half brother. And I have been trying to support her through giving her ideas for just different ways to think of things in terms of being an abusive relationship.

[63:28]

And I found that I felt like I said some unkind things to her in trying to help her. And so it made me feel really dissatisfied with my interaction with her. And it was so helpful today at the Dharma talk, where the discussion was kindness. And I hadn't really flashed on my sense of dissatisfaction as being a matter of kindness. I wasn't focused on that word. But basically, that's what happened. I got kind of frustrated in supporting somebody who wasn't going to support themselves in terms of any kind of change.

[64:30]

And I became frustrated. Yeah. Yeah. And so... Yeah, I understand. And that becomes conditional. instead of unconditional. If you do what I tell you, you know, then I'll keep on loving you. And if you don't, you know, my affection for you is on the line here. And it depends on you doing what I'm telling you to do. So, I mean, we all fall into that trap. And I think it's a good thing to keep an eye on that. It's just, you know, being kind is probably enough. You can't fix it, right? Right. Nobody could fix, nobody could tell you not to do something. Well, I was in an abusive relationship in my life. Right. And sometimes I try to deal with people who are in abusive relationships and it always backfires. I always end up getting triggered.

[65:33]

Yeah. Yeah. So there's a flag for you, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So caution on the cautionary flag. Yeah. We all, you know, we all should know our triggers really well. What kinds of things are we most vulnerable to? And be careful. Just be careful. But it sounds like you did some good reflecting on all of that. Yeah, I also, you know, I told her that I was listening to a Dharma talk today on kindness. Oh, good. And I think she put two and two together. She was like, cool. Oh, good, nice. Good. Good. But it was just one of those circumstances that made me sweat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the learning. That's the learning. That's where that happens. You know, when you miss the bell, that's when you learn how much you care. It really tells you how much you care.

[66:36]

So that's a very good thing. And then we practice skillful means. Okay, thank you, Helene. Thank you, everyone. I'll say good evening. And as I said, I won't be here next week. I'll be at the opening of the city center's new elevator. They've got an elevator, all kinds of magic things going on there. So I'll try to take some pictures. Maybe I can share that with you next time I see you of what's going on there. And then I will see you two weeks from now. And all you guys who are going to be here next week, please enjoy each other's company and share the Dharma. That's our troop leader. Hope, did you have a last thing to say? Will this Zoom room be open next week or should we email out a different Zoom room? That's a good question. Oh, Karina says she can open it. She'll be here. Perfect. In fact, she could peek in and say.

[67:40]

Couldn't you, Karina? Thank you. She'll start with a bell, she said. Thank you, Karina. Yeah. Okay. Well, you all be well. Something will happen next week. Just tune in. Thank you so much, Boo. Thank you, Boo. It's so wonderful hearing all of you. Thank you, Boo. Thank you. Bye. You have a great week, Boo. Bye. Good morning, good night. Good morning, good night. Bye, y'all. Bye, y'all. Okay. Boomp. Yeah, we got Nini left. Hi, Nini. Nini. Nini. You know how to hang out at the party after the party's over, don't you? And look who's there. Ding.

[68:42]

Ding. She's muted and she doesn't know how to unmute. You do. Get that little icon at the bottom where it says Linda. There's a little microphone. There's a little red microphone. You just push that with your little arrow. Oh, or she looks up there. Ask to un... Oh, I know. I can ask her to unmute, but she's going to have to do it. You have to see. Do you see me asking you to unmute? Good. There you are. You are unmuted. Speak. I thought I did. I thought I unmuted earlier. Well, we all think a lot of things. Well, you did unmute much earlier, and I muted you. Oh, you muted me? Really early. Oh. Kind of little rustling noises and like giggling. Yeah, that kind of giggle I just heard there that was happening.

[69:45]

Yeah, right. Can you hear me now? Did you end the recording? Yes. By the way. Did you what? Yes, we can. that you ended the recording? Oh, shoot, no.

[69:57]

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