We will now begin today's Dharma talk offered by Sonia Garden Swartz. We will now chant the opening verse three times. The verse should appear on your screen now. An unsurpassed, penetrating and perfect Dharma is rarely met with even in a hundred thousand million Kalpas. Having it to see and listen to, to remember and accept. I vow to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. An unsurpassed, penetrating and perfect dharma is rarely met with even in a hundred thousand million kalpas. Having it to see and listen to, to remember and accept, I vow to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words.

[09:55]

An unsurpassed, penetrating and perfect dharma is rarely met with, even in a hundred thousand million kalpas. Having it to see and listen to, to remember and accept, I vow to taste the truth of the Tathagata's words. Good morning. Good morning and welcome. Welcome and thank you. Welcome and thank you. I'm all new at this. I'm going to try and put myself on full screen so I can see all of you.

[11:00]

Okay. So welcome and thank you. This is one of the teachings that my teacher, Tenshin Roshi, Reb Anderson, offers regularly. Welcome and thank you. And for today, I'm going to call that the second teaching. It's also the Buddha's teaching. Welcome. And although I wasn't here, I'm guessing it was Suzuki Roshi's teaching. Welcome. So today, the first teaching. What is number one? Number one is. I don't know. I don't know exactly what is going to be said. I don't know exactly what is coming just around the corner. What is in the next moment? And truthfully.

[12:00]

getting comfortable and making a capacity and a space in our heart for being ready and not knowing. I'm going to call this the number one practice. And then in that readiness, we can say welcome and thank you. I had several talks in my mind. And as I was lying in bed thinking about you all last night, thinking about myself, and I thought, what is it? And I thought, I don't know. And open to surprise. And one surprise I got, for example, last night, I was walking out my front door. Very familiar path. headed quickly to the dining room, but it was dark, and something was in my path that I didn't see, and I took a flying fall.

[13:04]

What was in my hands landed somewhere. My glasses landed somewhere. Did somebody offer me a gift that I didn't know about? What was it that I tripped over? So we don't know. It was a very familiar path. Maybe you have some familiar ways that you go and then something surprising happens. So carefully we pick ourselves up, we get a sense of the circumstance, gather whatever it is that fell away, recoup your wits or your glasses, and then start walking. So this, I don't know, and this surprise, always at hand. Right now, as I'm looking at the screen and I see Suki and in the midst of the don't know, I realize that some, I'm remembering that some great limb fell across the roof of the maintenance shed.

[14:12]

We didn't plan for that. And carefully, people have been cutting away the branches and seeing what what happened to the roof and what needs repair. So again, we don't know, but we're ready. We're ready to see what needs repair, what needs to be chainsawed away, what needs to be carried away. So as I was considering this, I don't know, I was remembering the story of two of our great ancestors, Deetsong and Fayan. And as they were crossing the path, crossing each other's path, Deetsong asked Fayan, where are you going? And Fayan said, on pilgrimage. And Deetsong asked him, what is the purpose of your pilgrimage?

[15:21]

And Fai Yan answered, I don't know. And Di Tsang said, not knowing is most intimate. Not knowing is most close. Not knowing is the moment. So for me, the pilgrimage, we could say, where are you going in this life? What am I doing today? What's happening next week? What's happening in our culture? And we can kind of say, I don't know. And this is most intimate. So at this time of year, I'm going to hold this don't know mind. And I suspect most of you know this mind. Although our safety seems to be in, we want to know.

[16:23]

And at this time of year in Zen communities and even personal practices, it's a time of . And at this time of year, the Buddha sat for seven days and seven nights. He sat absolutely still. perhaps in the middle of not knowing until at the end when we celebrate his enlightenment, his seeing clearly. Sitting or allowing us to ourselves to sit is allowing us to welcome whatever it is that arises. In sitting, we open the doors, We open windows. We enter the portal of our life being revealed to us.

[17:28]

We don't exactly know what's going to happen, but we can be open to surprise. Sashin means gathering or touching the heart-mind. So we're in the midst of stitching, I'd say, stitching our mind and our heart into oneness, our embodiment. And what is it that is the thread that brings us together? So I have spoken about this before, but it's very speaking of most intimate is the breath. So breathing in. Breathing in, I can welcome this moment. And breathing out, I can say, thank you. And I can rest at the bottom of that.

[18:32]

Breathing in allows the next moment to arrive. This one breath and without it, there is no next. Opening the doors and windows, we enter this portal of not knowing. And when we welcome and say thank you and open the doors and windows, we're open to surprise. To what is it that thus comes? What is it that thus comes? So I recently heard John Terrence suggest this. When times of great difficulty visit us, how should we greet them? Welcome, said an old Chinese master, and it's good to have a practice. And when we say welcome, a space can appear in our heart.

[19:38]

A space can appear in our heart and the green shoots of spring and kindness. Spring and kindness can bloom. And we see that this is the important thing. In times of great difficulty, when it visits us as pandemics, as a fall, as the loss of a dear one, we should greet them with a welcome and as the old Chinese master says, and it's good to have a practice to return to the breath, to return to this moment. And what we do with this welcoming is our willingness to receive our vulnerabilities. We are vulnerable and we admit that we don't know. I admit that I don't know.

[20:42]

We're coming into contact in our, as we come into this time and age, we come into contact with our vulnerability, with our surprise, with our racial conditioning, our cultural conditioning. And we're being open, open to not knowing and to maybe what I say is evolving together. So here at Green Gulch, we've been studying with Abbas Fu and Linda Ruth, the Heart Sutra. And in the Heart Sutra, it says, it says, opens with when Avalokiteshvara was practicing deeply. When Avalokiteshvara, when compassion is practicing deeply, they clearly saw that all five skandhas were empty and thus was relieved from all suffering.

[21:58]

Thus is the pivotal word there. And thus, when practicing deeply, when deeply we practice not knowing, we have the possibility of being freed. Freed to curiosity and to openness. When we're practicing in Sashin, we're trying to see clearly and discovering ourselves. And I would like to tell you a couple images that came to my mind. What I practice with is Or what I would say is when I say I don't know, that is a mantra that some of us recite regularly to ourselves, and maybe we even get nervous when we hear that. But what are we going to replace it with? What kind of mantra, what kind of positive frame do we want to offer to ourselves?

[23:02]

And in Sashin, we want to find a way to follow the breath and keep For me, I was using breathing in, not dwelling in this body-mind, not attached to this moment, to this self, breathing out, not involved in controlling the circumstances. Breathing in, not dwelling in body-mind, breathing out, not involved in myriad circumstances. But sometimes we have mantras that kind of lead us down a troubled path. And what I wanted to bring in here was a dear friend that I have conversations with often brought me this word, brought this word into my consciousness, and it's called, those of you who are programmers might know this, it's called a postscript. And a postscript, for those of you that are not programmers, so you've done this programming,

[24:11]

and you're printing it out, and all of a sudden, all the print stops, and it looks like garbage. When we had televisions, it might have looked like the time when the screen went with snow on it. When we had a record, for those of us that had records, if it had a scratch on it, it would keep going over the same point again and again. And again, until we got up to move the needle. So the postscript is something in our conditioning that we have carried over from the past into the present over and over. You recite these negative mantras over and over. It's like the postscript. And what they told me that they did their practice with this postscript. was that sometimes they would stay up until midnight going through every little detail of what the program had been until they found the one place, that one spot where the script couldn't read what was next and it went into garbage.

[25:27]

And once that was kind of adjusted, once that was adjusted, the script could flow again. So when we're sitting and we're listening to ourselves and hearing ourselves and seeing clearly our lives, our conditioning, what we've been familiar with, we can see where maybe we get into the suffering. What is the trigger that causes us to go over and over that place on the record? Can you discover that? When I told my brother about this postscript, He laughed hysterically and he said, it's like looking for a needle in a haystack. So when we're sitting, we're looking for that needle in a haystack and leaving that behind so that we can go forward with ease. I'm going to stop now for a moment with you and take a breath.

[26:30]

It sounds like it might be a non sequitur, but I wanted to bring in someone that I just heard about this past week. And some of you who are from the East Coast or of a certain generation may know this name, but we just lost one of our early civil rights activists, David Dinkins. And I'm going to read something to you about him. He was the mayor of New York City in the 90s. And it turns out that between 1665 and today, New York City has had 109 mayors. And yet only one of them was black. which is not exactly a great statistic for a diverse community such as New York City.

[27:44]

But under Mayor Denkins, he served one term and let me see where I can find this. Under his leadership, he steered New York City toward not just safety but prosperity, crime dropped, tax revenues increased, and it became a place where people wanted to live again. Mayor Denkins believed that he could find ways for people to work together and live together no matter what the skin color or where they came from or what language they spoke. It's simply recognizing that we're part of a gorgeous mosaic, he called it. And this idea of a mosaic, and I'm proposing that we look into ourselves as a mosaic as well, not something that we have to melt and lose our personality or lose our individuality, but that we can include the parts of ourselves that are vulnerable, that are scared, that are anxious,

[29:08]

that are courageous, that are curious, that are strong, that want to be included, that are afraid. This mosaic, who wants to be part of a melting pot and disappear? So I loved his idea of the mosaic, that our culture could be a mosaic rather than a melting pot. So I don't know. We don't know. We drop into not knowing. I drop into this breath. I allow my vulnerabilities. I invite us into this time of year where things are going into the dark. I invite us into this time of year. where things are turning, we're leaving things behind, we can move forward into something new.

[30:14]

And I would like to say that return us to where we turn our attention, we will be led by our intention. Our intention can turn our intention toward our heart. Sashin is a time where we can clarify our intention and turn ourselves to our heart. I'd like to end with an invitation about this intention and attention. Where will you go in Sashin? Where will you go forth in your life? Your attention and intention will shape your attitude.

[31:18]

Your attitude is your posture. Our attitude is the way we stand. It's our deportment. The attitude is referred to a ship or an aircraft as its position in the ocean. in the air. Our intention informs our gift. Our intention informs our attitude. Our intention is where we can turn our attention. I'd like to offer an excerpt a poem by Pablo Neruda and it's called Keeping Quiet.

[32:22]

Now we will count to 12 and we will all keep still for once on the face of the earth. Let's not speak in any language. Let's stop for one second and not move our arms so much. It would be an exotic moment without rush, without engines, we would all be together in a sudden strangeness. Now we will count to 12 and we will all keep still for once on the face of the earth, sitting in sesshin, in stillness. Let's not speak in any language. Let's stop for one second and not move our arms so much

[33:35]

It would be an exotic moment without rush, without engines. We would all be together in a sudden strange. Life is what it's about. Not knowing is most intimate. Being open to surprise. Life is what it's about. I want no truck with death. If we were not so single-minded about keeping our lives moving and for once could do nothing, perhaps a huge silence might interrupt this sadness of never understanding ourselves and of threatening ourselves with death. Perhaps this huge silence might interrupt this sadness might allow the doors and windows to open and allow something fresh to come in, of never understanding ourselves, of threatening ourselves with death.

[34:48]

Perhaps the earth can teach us. Perhaps the earth can teach us this silence, this moment can teach us as when everything seems dead. Perhaps the earth can teach us when everything seems dead that something new, something new with this next breath and later proves to be alive. Now I will count to 12 and you keep quiet and we can go. This invitation. This invitation to the pilgrimage of Sashin. This invitation to be silent and still with others.

[35:52]

This invitation to turn your attention and your intention to the gathering of your heart and mind and stitching it together by Bringing attention and intention to your breath. You can go forth. This intention that will shape your department, your posture, are going forth. The spine that supports you. Now, we will count to 12. We'll keep quiet. We'll go. We'll stay open to conversation. We'll say welcome and thank you as the second teaching, with the first teaching being don't know mind.

[37:04]

Know, mind. Thank you. We will now chant the closing verse, which should appear on your screen now. May our intention equally extend to every being and place. with the true merit of Buddha's way. Beings are numberless. I vow to save them. Delusions are inexhaustible. I vow to end them. Dharma gates are boundless. I vow to enter them.

[38:11]

Buddha's way is unsurpassable. I vow to become it. I want to thank everyone for coming today. Please know that we do rely on your donations now more than ever. If you feel supported by the Dharma offerings of our temples, please consider supporting San Francisco Zen Center with a donation at this time. Any size is gratefully appreciated. The link will show in the chat window now. Also to note, there will be no Dharma Talk next Sunday as we will be in Shashin. The next Dharma Talk will be on December 13th and will be with Tenshin Reb Anderson. We will now take a five minute break. and then return for Q&A. If anyone needs to sign off now, you will be able to unmute yourself to say goodbye.

[39:17]

Thank you so much. Goodbye. Thank you. Bye now. Thank you. Thank you. Bye-bye. Thank you, Sonia. Bye. Thank you, Sonia. Thank you, Sonia. Thank you.

[40:26]

Hello. Welcome. Let's see. How do I get? How do I get everybody instead of? I go into gallery view. Go. Anyone would like to offer any questions or comments. You can use the raised hand feature. by clicking on the icon labeled Participants at the bottom center of your PC or Mac screen. At the bottom of the window on the right side of the screen, click the button labeled Raise Hand. On an iPad or mobile device, click on More, and the Raise Hand button should be made available. You can also offer any questions or comments through the chat. I think Jenny is going to help me with calling names. And while I was sitting here waiting, I realized that I had brought these beads and offer this here.

[46:44]

I brought these beads and I wanted to bring into the talk today. And each of these beads is like your mantra or your intention. that this life that we're refining and we round it and the breath is like the string. So moment after moment, we're going and using these beads around again, another breath again, another breath again. And then when we get to the tassel, we know 108 have gone by and then we start again. So this process is around and around like this string of beads. And this is my encouragement, you know, and I wonder how to stay in conversation with that moment after moment.

[47:47]

How do you stay in conversation with that? And can you, not just me speaking, but can you help speak to others today about how you're working with this group? moment of not knowing, of being open to surprise. So if any of you have a comment or want to add something, I would say welcome. For those others on the screen, I'll say welcome. And please help us. Maybe the question is, How do you work with not knowing? What is it that supports you? Anyone? Or if there's people out there who know, maybe you could help us know. If your video feed is on, you're also welcome to just raise your hand and I will find you and unmute you.

[48:57]

This is sometimes the best part of the whole talk because it's a conversation. And the Buddha really encouraged us to conversation. So maybe somebody would like to offer what's happening in their life or how they're practicing right now or what's up for them for Sashin. Maggie. I can hear you. Yeah. Hi, Maggie. Hi. Hi, Sonia. Good to see you. Thank you so much for your talk. That is just really nice. Nice to see you. And I wanted to share how I deal with uncertainty, which is that I freak out. At least recently. So I don't have any answers, but I just thought I'd offer that. Do you dwell in freaking out or do you?

[50:09]

Oh, I'm very good at freaking out. Is that what you asked? Yeah. Do you dwell there or do you move on? Oh, I think I've been dwelling. So your talk really resonated with me because yeah, it's been really hard for me to get out of it. I, and I have a lot of tools and a lot of privilege and I am using all of it that to the best of my ability so that I can be of maximum service to others. But I've been, barely of service to myself. So it's a challenge. And I, I, I wonder if you have any words about that. I do, or I have some thoughts about it. And, you know, it's, I just want to say, whatever medicine it is, it's the When you find one that works, it's the power of repetition. It's the power of repetition. One hundred, one thousand, one million times.

[51:13]

So one of the things I would say to you, and maybe I've said this to you in the past, a lot of our a lot of our biology is oriented towards seeing. Like. bats probably have a lot of wiring towards hearing or sound and dogs or other animals have a whole wiring and network towards smelling, you know, so that's how they know the world. And mostly what we do is see and we look outside for confirmation. And then we start to, if you close your eyes or we're sitting, you can see the stories arise in your mind. See it. I don't have to close my eyes to be able to do that. If you close your eyes, I bet you're still seeing. It's called imagination. Yeah. So one of the things, and I suggested this, this is so helpful to me, and I've suggested this to others, but I don't know who has tried it, and then you'd have to try it over and over again like a string of beads.

[52:30]

is the base of your hand here. It's very neatly and perfectly, please excuse me on the screen, right over the underneath your eyes. And then underneath the pads of your hands fit very nicely on top of your eyebrows. And there's kind of a darkness and a possible quiet. And cooling. And just resting there in the midst of kind of making contact again with your face, with your body embodiment. Because when we're kind of in a rush and hurrying about, we're pretty much in our head and probably shallow breathing. But to do this and take a breath. And maybe after a minute, you could even just brush, brush away at your forehead. Shake it off.

[53:34]

And then you open and you have a new or a refreshed view. Thank you. That's helpful. It's a return. And you can stop anywhere for a moment and just kind of, even if you don't have time to rest there, just kind of like brush it away. Yeah. I forgot about my eyes. Thank you. Yeah. How focused. Yeah. Yeah. And when you bring that word, I forgot about my eyes. So I like to play with that as well. The eyes, you know, sometimes they say they're the vision to the soul. But the eyes, E-Y-E, is what lets information in. But also the eye. Me, mine.

[54:38]

Yeah. I, me, mine is the one that is the most disturbing. And maybe we do that through our eyes. Give it a rest and put it aside for a minute. You might get a new view, a new vision, a refreshment. and a return to your heart, let's say that, or to your breath, or to what is it that's most important to you. So you could try that, and then you could give me some feedback if you do try it, and you'll probably have to try it over and over again. Thanks. I wish I'd, you know, swung these beads around earlier, but I'm swinging them around now. And in worst case scenario, I'll get to hide for a minute.

[55:39]

And that's good too. Or you can just say, excuse me, I'm being refreshed right now. Yeah. Thank you very much, Sonia. Wonderful. Offering. Yeah. Somebody else? Is that Cat? Can Cat unmute herself or do you need to, Jenny? I'm doing that now. Hello, Sonia. Thank you so much. Thank you. You know, when I'm looking at you now, I realize we've known each other almost 30 years. You've been a long time. Before Zen Center. Well, I came in about 92, and we met in the guest house. I remember the guest house. Didn't we practice Aikido together?

[56:41]

Yes. Oh, did we? We did. Oh, my gosh. I can't remember the teacher's name, but he was wonderful. Oh, and Tam and Mill Valley, right? in Terralinda for a while? Oh, this is in Mill Valley that I practice, but yeah, anyway, what I wanted to say is what happened to me this morning or what's been happening about not knowing, you know, it's, I know for all of us, it's not been an easy journey doing this, but I've had a lot of depression now, you know, as the longer it gets, the harder it gets in that sense. So getting up in the morning can be a challenge or waking up during the night and having, you know, these thoughts that are difficult. So I happened to go to my friends for Thanksgiving, a last minute invitation, and he's 95 and his wife is 85 and he's trying to help her.

[57:48]

And so he asked me to, if I would come over and cut his hair. which I'd done before. And I said, yes, I would. Just seeing him, I hadn't seen him for a long time. And at 95, eight or nine months is a really long stretch. So it just inspired me. I looked and saw my friend. I love him because we did Aikido together since 78. So this morning I thought, oh, I've got to go get that scissors. You know, I thought of the scissors that I could get. And it feels so good that I'm going to go there and be with him. You know, just bring something to him, some loving feelings and a little touching like here on his head or something. And like, what a difference. Just going to think, just a last minute invitation can move into something else. So I don't know if you'd comment on how we can

[58:53]

since I'm an elder, how we can see our elder friends, even if we're elder ourselves, we can call them on the phone or go see them for a short visit. And it makes me feel good. He feels good. So it's a win-win. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe you can add to that, Sonia. Yeah. I think you're bringing up something that's really important. You know, once, We were not able to go out and engage and see people. And I think we're really, and some of you may be in similar situations as we are here in Green Gulch, where even though we're walking around here all the time masked, we're not allowed to eat. And we keep social distancing and we don't eat together in the dining room. We're not serving ourselves here. Everything is quite separated, but at least in our situation here, we have a chance to pass other people and bow.

[60:03]

So I think that there's a whole other layer when you're by yourself. And I'm just going to unpack this a little bit. And so here we are, and maybe you two in a way, in this fortunate situation. of here where we're sheltering in place. And I think, are we doing anything that's of benefit? What is it? Although I understand that our first responders are tired and exhausted, but I have a feeling that some of them have the sense of a mission when they get up in the morning, even though they're tired, they have something to do. And I hear that when you say, I found my scissors and I have something that I can offer. So I think many people, and I don't have a resource for you, but I think many people could use a phone call and could use a connection.

[61:15]

Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. And not only that, it may give your life some connection and some meaning. I think that the other thing that comes to my mind as I'm listening to you, and maybe you've done this as well, is I did a little research. We're all on the computer a lot, but into past pandemics. So this is new to us, but it's not new. and how other people survived and to know that this is, however long it may last, it's temporary. And out of those past times when things were shut down, there was some kind of creative energy and some kind of evolution that actually sprung forth. Kind of like in the poem, when everything seems dead and comes back to life again.

[62:18]

So the question is, how do you... stay curious? How do you stay embodied? Uh, how do you stay interested? Um, is there some, I don't know that you're sheltering in place, but is there some group that needs help? Um, I've kind of lost touch. I have to say with writing, you know, writing a postcard anyway. Um, I say these things and I think they're true. And also it would be mobilizing some energy to do it. I would say one more thing. Give me feedback is don't try to do too much. Just do one postcard a day. I'm not saying do one a day, but one small thing a day. So that at the end, when you lie in bed, what did I do with my day?

[63:20]

Well, at least. I made that phone call. I did my postcard. I stayed in my body. I sent out goodwill. Anyway, I don't know where we're going, but we're going. Thank you, Sonia. I'm so happy. Thank you very much for opening your channel and for saying hello, and it's lovely to see you. Thank you, Sonia. You too. Yeah, thank you. We have another hand raised from Petit. Okay. Where are you? Hi, Sonia. Can you hear me? Where are you? Can you hear me? I can hear you. Oh, okay. Thank you. Okay. so much for your lecture this is my second session seven days so it's very good what the purpose of it and the first time I did it it's very easy because I don't have any distraction at home but now I have like adult children that coming home and then they're friends and I feel guilty about cooking and then cooking meat and then

[64:51]

but I also feel like they don't come home a lot and I need to be spending time with them. So like, do you have any advice about how to balance both kind of duties with the children and spending time with them? And then this is important for me to sit down. This is the end of the, you know, the eight weeks. And I want to really try to work through some of my negative conditioning and really stop. and just open and then explore some of these that I never had a chance to do. I mean, but... Yeah, that is such a wonderful question. Thank you. And it's so important because I don't know if this is the because. You know, basically most of us, if not all of us that are on this screen, are not going to be kind of in monasteries and secluded for a lifetime.

[65:54]

So the question is, how do we, a question is, how do we bridge our practice and our settling and make that move into our life? Right. That's what you're saying. You're cooking your kids. And I think one of the beauties I feel about Zen center is, is that we all sit together in the morning. I don't know, maybe you'll get up earlier than the kids and the cooking. We sit together quietly, eat, eat, eat, outside of sashim, and then we get up. So we've been quiet from the night before, ideally, and all the way through sitting, no voice, and then we chant together or we say something. So that's the beginning of re-engaging again using breath and sound, and using our bodies for bowing.

[66:55]

In your case, you might get up from sitting, and in that stillness, you go to the sink, and maybe you grab a dish, and with great attention, you're washing that dish. Or you go to the refrigerator, and with the intention, let's just say you're making cereal, pouring water. You hold it and feel it and then put it in a pot. Or crack an egg. I'm not sure what you're making. But we stop and notice the feel of that. Maybe take a look at it and then move, right? This bridging, the breath and the... body we do soji here so now we've got a broom in our hands we're not talking so much ideally not at all we're sweeping you might be cleaning the bathroom but all of this is still happening in that thread of some stillness somebody comes and asks you a question

[68:10]

And then maybe you pause for a minute and then you say welcome or thank you or whatever, whatever the response is. And then you go back and in again. I think it's also possible this suggestion I made to Maggie while you're in between is, you know, you might try this and see if it works for you. I don't know. And then when it's quiet again, you sit down. And you take your place. I'm going to add one more thing. But, you know, if the cup gets too full, then you lose it all. I think this was one of my first sashims. And I happened to be in the kitchen. And I was... what we call the flukatan, or the person that gave out assignments. And I was more or less in a highly agitated state.

[69:20]

Not agitated like I was agitated, but like nervous. And so I came across a word as I was reading one of the koans, imperturbable. And then... So that doesn't have to be your word. You might notice what word comes up for you. And I went to the thesaurus, and I looked up some other words, and I came up with four words, imperturbable, calm, serene, unmoving. And I recited these words over and over again. You brought up the idea of negative thoughts. Because if you're giving some attention or your intention to a particular thought, you're starting to string the beads together and string the moments together in a different way. And as I'm remembering at one point, I was like gripping onto the counter because there was a lot of agitation coming up and I'm kind of got my teeth, you know, mouth closed and went calm.

[70:32]

Serene, imperturbable, unmoving. Moving over to this thing. Calm, serene, imperturbable. Anyway, you recite this, whatever your four words are, over and over because you're reframing, refreshing your consciousness. But it's a tool. It's not the end point. It's a tool to allow something to shift. So this is a very important question that you've asked of how do we get up from sitting and incorporate it or weave it into our daily expression. So how does that sound? Is it something there that's usable or do you have another turn that you want to bring to us? No, thank you. I think that's really helping me. I tend to be... focus on efficient getting done, but it's more important to just slow down and chanting the familiar word.

[71:39]

Like you can do things, but you just do it with the same kind of like intention from your meditation to your cooking, to talking to family. And you still can be with the family and practicing at the same time. And not so then I don't feel like I need to leave you because I need to go practice. But I practice in why I'm with you. And that's a good reminder. And I sometimes kind of feel like being tucked in between instead of like moving, you know, smoothly in and out of the situation. And I think helpful. Thank you so much. So remembering your intention. It's not so much what you're doing, but how you're doing and how you are in relationship to things and people that really comes through. Yes. So whatever it is, and sounds like something about slowing down or pausing or just reminding yourself, there's no rush.

[72:47]

Yes. Take your time. Maybe that's your story. There's no rush. There's time for everything. Or effective, you know. Well, sometimes they say go slow is what's efficient. Very true. Thank you so much. Thank you. Yeah. Jenny, can you see whatever that is? I'm not seeing any hands up at the moment. Okay. Thought I saw something. Who else would like to make an offering? How are you practicing? Oh, there's a hand. Shindo. Two hands. Hi, Sonia.

[73:48]

Thank you so much for your talk. In spite of the... The injuries on your hand. Yeah. And I really love the poem, the Neruda poem that you, I would like to hear it again. And my question, you said about intention. Intention is where we can turn our attention. So, and then you talked about the power of repetition. So I'm wondering, you know, I'm trying to learn and understand what shamatha is, shamatha practice. So I'm wondering if you have any suggestions on how I could practice bringing shamatha into, you know, through some repetitive practice, you know. So I'm wondering if you have. And I also appreciate the, you know, I do this. I wanted to tell Maggie that I do this every day with you. That is so sweet.

[74:50]

I can... vouch for it and say it's very helpful. Maggie, I do it every day with Sonia, and it's very helpful. We touch the candle, the light, and bringing light to the eyes and to the heart. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I forgot. I'm forgetting the name right now, the person that offered this. I went to a talk by a Catholic priest and he offered this, putting your hands to the light and letting them come into your hands and then bringing them to your eyes. May I see the light in everyone or may I see Buddha? Say what you want, but may I bring the light into... May I see the light in everyone?

[75:50]

And then your hands on the candle or the light again, and you bring it to your heart. May I bring the light into my heart? So that's what we're doing. So thank you for reminding me. And so to the limits of my understanding, it's shamatha and vipassana. So that's calming and seeing. So for me, I think this intention, remembering the intention, repeating the intention, the repetition is a way of stilling, you know, or using the breath. You know, sometimes I found, you know, in the instruction and instruction is to count the breath. And when you get to 10, you stop and then you start over again. Mm hmm. And meditation instructions, Zazen instruction. And I found that in the beginning, I was not able to get to 10.

[76:55]

It was like impossible because then I would start thinking. And then I realized I could get to three and start over again. And then if I did that three times, that was almost 10. So we increase our capacity. We start where we are and then we increase the capacity. And for me, this idea of having a word or following the breath is a way of making friends with stillness or shamatha. So I think that that practice is addressing, this is my understanding, this practice is addressing the busyness of our mind and the distraction from what's most important. And then if we get still, we can hear and see more clearly.

[77:56]

After there's stillness, then the Vipassana is to bring things up for study or investigation in consciousness. So I think it's a word, it's a feeling, it's your breath. It might be this action, you know, something that turns you towards the wisdom of stillness. I've never tried counting the breath. I'll try that and then we'll do with pasana. So the counting is one step and then there's just following and then there's just being. Thank you, Sonia. I always love your presence. Thank you for bringing something into the conversation. Did this stimulate anyone else? I have a hand up from Ketel.

[78:57]

I might be saying that wrong. Hello? Hello, can you hear me? I can. How do you say your name? Most people just call me Kate. Oh, okay, Kate. Thank you. Thank you for your talk this morning. I appreciate it very much. I have been feeling so much fear. And could you speak to that? Let's see. Do you... I can, and what I'm witnessing is a question of what, if you want to say something about what the fear is, or give us a point, give me a pointer. I think it's isolation, and it's not, I'm in a place, a new place,

[80:12]

I've been urban for my whole adult life, but recently my building in San Francisco sold and I couldn't afford any rent in San Francisco because I'd lived there for 30 years and my rent was really low. And so I, living in a place that's unfamiliar and I don't, when this whole thing began, I, At the same time that I was losing my home in San Francisco, and that took many months. That took about seven or eight months. It went to the rent board, the whole deal. And so I fought really hard to keep my home, but it was like a tidal wave. I couldn't do it. And at that same time, while that was happening, my father died.

[81:13]

My brother died and my sister died. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Old in this year? Yes. And then so I found myself in this teeny little tiny rural town in Northern California where I don't know anyone. And then the pandemic hit. And... We all had to stay inside. And immediately I picked up the phone and I tried to volunteer, be of service at the food bank or be, you know, racking my brain. How can I get involved with this community? How can I serve? And I couldn't find anywhere to do it because it was really a tight-knit, small community and nobody knew me. And so I wasn't... You know, I got no's. I got no's. We don't need any more help.

[82:14]

And I know it wasn't personal. There's churches here. And so the church people moved in to fill that vacuum, you know. So I knew it wasn't about me. And then so I just realized, well, I have to just do this. I just have to do this. imperfectly, however it happens, I have to do this. And so now I've been trying to, quote, do this by myself. Yes, I hear you. And I'm in so much pain. And just the last day of July, my mother died too. And so I have all this grief inside my body, and I don't know what to do with it. And I think that it is manifesting as really deep fear.

[83:23]

I don't know what to do. And when I finally... You know, I've been doing Zoom things like everyone else. But after a point, Zoom just seemed to, it's not presence. It's just not the same as presence. And Zoom began to lose its, whatever it had that was helping me. It started to lose that. And then I found Zen Center again. Because when I was in San Francisco, I had periods of my life where I was coming to a lot of Dharma talks and sitting, doing, I think I did a few sessions and kind of sticking my toe into that, going deeper.

[84:24]

But I would ebb and flow with Zen Center. I always, always, always loved the Dharma talks. But as far as going deeper into the world of Zen Center, I had some ambivalence with that. And yet, when I finally got around, right about the time I got really sick of Zoom was when I thought, I wonder what's happening with Zen Center. So I went to the website and I started just listening to all the Dharma talks in the archives. just listening to whatever I could find. Because on a deep level, I really trust the center. And I love the Dharma. But for some reason, I didn't choose to become whatever it is you become.

[85:34]

And so now here I am, and I am taking part in whatever little morsel I can get from Zen Center and everything that you're offering. And I've signed up for a couple of the workshops that people are doing. So I have a workshop that starts tomorrow, and I'm very grateful for that. This is the first time that I've ever really spoken to anyone about all that's happened to me over the last year. And it's the first time that I have spoken about this deep, deep grief and this deep, deep fear. And they feel locked into my body. I don't know how to... get it out um yeah just just all of that just that oh kate kate kate i'm putting my hands together and bowing to you that is a lot that is a lot

[87:04]

It sounds challenging. It sounds hard. And I'm going to guess that you've done many hard things in your life. And you know the losses that you've had in your family, these deep heart losses, that people are there and then things change and they're not. You have an abode and then you don't. So everything is changing and this will change too. But in the moment, you're in it. And I don't know if you want to get it out of your body, or you just want to say to yourself, or when they come up, say, this is part of the repetition, is thank you, I hear you, or thank you, I feel that. So that it doesn't... It becomes a part of the landscape, but not your whole world.

[88:16]

I don't know if that makes sense. Yes. That is a part of your landscape. It's going to be a part. You're in shaman training. That's what it sounds like to me. Maybe you're about to become a healer, but you need to find your way through these little things. different rooms and channels in your life, and as you, together with the rest of us today, find your way, you will become the next channel as a healer. But becoming a shaman or a healer is not necessarily like, oh, I think I'll take a weekend workshop and see how that goes. I'm wondering, what were things that you did What has been your work or what has been your hobby or what has been your curiosity over the years before Zen?

[89:19]

Well, through the years, well, I became a body worker. I can't do that now because I have some physical issues that don't allow that to happen. But, I mean, that's also, I think, part of the depth of this pain is that I haven't ever really found that thing for me. You know, that didn't really ever, I don't have an answer to that. Okay, that's fine. I just had a new idea while we were at a pause. And I'm also going to take this moment to say that as you sit and listen either to yourself or others and you get really still and you slow things down a little bit, sometimes something fresh comes up to your mind that you didn't know was hidden there.

[90:39]

So I don't know if this is useful to you, but but I have tried this at different times. And this might be helpful to you. So you were saying about how to get it out of your body. I'm not sure out of your body is what I'm recommending, but I hear that is how do I release some of this energy? Yes. Yeah. So I over the years, I would say I've been in. A story I've told myself, four myths I have that I can't write, I can't sing, I'm not musical, I can't dance, and I'm not artistic. Got them all. Got them all covered. But I started slowly by slowly to try and break the myths down. So the one that came to my mind while we were speaking is the thing about art or drawing. What I would say, and maybe you're an artist, which could make it more difficult for you, or you're not, which could make it interesting, is to get some either just a pen or pencil, or if you have some color around you, and pick it up with your non-dominant hand.

[92:02]

And you're not trying to, and then you just kind of hover over the page. And then you let something come from you onto the page, either in color, it can make sense, it can make no sense, whatever. And you just allow some of that, whatever is in there, grief, fear, sadness, might turn into some buoyancy. some spaciousness, and you put that on the page with your non-dominant hand. And then maybe you pause and you might do something with your dominant hand that will, it's kind of like moving from right brain, left brain. So just allow a message to come through in a way maybe that non-dominant hand is sort of the intuitional, you know, You can just hold the question, where do I go from here?

[93:07]

What is most useful? How can I be of benefit? And then just let your non-dominant hand lead you. Because the way you're going to think about it probably won't get you out of the playpen. Yeah, yeah. How does that register? That registers... Well, I don't know. I'm going to try it and see. Okay. But I think that part of what is happening with me is that I sort of came to this awareness while you and I have been conversing that I really am in such need for... I have so much pain, so much grief inside me. And what I feel, what it just occurred to me is that I'm in so much pain because I need my pain to be witnessed.

[94:14]

And we can't do that now. I remember when I got the news that my mother, the facility called me. This was in the Midwest that my mother had passed away. I remember feeling first a shock, but then such like sobbing, crying, and I knew I needed someone to hold me. And I picked up the phone to call my neighbor because I thought, my neighbor's a nice lady. She will do that for me. I knew that about her. But then I realized that I couldn't. I couldn't do that because she has so many health issues and I couldn't put her at risk. And she wouldn't want, she would want to hold me, but she would not be able to let herself do it because she would need to protect herself.

[95:18]

And I understand that. And so how to find a way to get this pain witnessed so that I can release pain some of it yes and so yeah just that yeah i feel like you made uh you took a first baby step it sounds like you took a first baby step this morning yes i feel that yeah and um so i i appreciate the courage and the heart that that took to do that and maybe that's The beginning of that opening of the heart just a little bit, allowing yourself to be heard and seen and witnessed. And there's a whole therapy back from the days called by two therapists.

[96:19]

It's a holding therapy, but nobody touches anybody. But it's the way and the power of listening and listening. letting the person wrap their arms around themselves and be held, but to actually be, as you said, witnessed and listened to. So it might simply, not simply, I'm sorry for that word in there, but to find someone that you can keep the social distance with that will actually sit with you and just hear you and be a presence. And I don't know if you have that. Maybe the neighbor could do that without having to actually hold you, but can hold what we're doing together here, I would say, is we're holding space for each other. Yes. Yeah, it's a highly, perfectly imperfect time. Yeah. Yeah. And you're part of a great...

[97:23]

community of people that are feeling the same thing. Yes. Thank you so much, Kate. I feel so grateful to hear your voice and for your allowing yourself to be part of this. Thank you, Sonia. Thank you. You're welcome to keep in touch with us. Okay. Question from Linda. Hi. You know, I just came on while listening to Kate, and I just want to, I felt so much listening to you, Kate. And if I could disagree a teeny bit with Sonia, who said you took a baby step, I think you took a big step. It was very moving to listen to you and to see how much opening took place in a sort of 10-minute period when you weren't expecting to.

[98:31]

You said, I felt fear, but you didn't say more than that. And then Sonia said, could you tell me what it is? Which was, of course, a good question. And you open up so much. You allowed us to witness you so much. And you were very clear. You weren't just... in so much turmoil that you couldn't express to us the truth. So, you know, I felt like I wanted to connect with you. And that's why I put my little blue hand up. You know, you not only told everything that you've been through, which was so touching and deep, but you also came to understand right in front of all of us what you need, which is... witnessing and connection and of course you said you started to hate zoom so i'm really sorry about that but you know that connection can happen whatever way a phone call um writing letters to each other i'm just volunteering here you don't know me i don't know you i'm volunteering if you want to connect with me but you found the zen center archive of dharma talks and you started listening that was such a

[99:49]

Good thing. So I just want to tell you what I heard, and I offer to be in contact with you. I even had a little Indian folktale that I thought was relevant, but I think I've talked too long, so that's maybe enough for now. Kate, hi, and I feel connected with you. Thank you so much, Linda. And you have every... You have every invitation. Everybody has every invitation to disagree with me. You're correct. No, no, just on that one point. That's how we grow. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. So I don't know how Kate would know how to reach me, but ask somebody at Greendelch. They know how to reach me. Just have a little conversation. I really felt I heard you. Kate could email me. the office ggf office and maybe they could connect you that way that's one idea yeah or if kate wants to give jenny the email in the chat anyway all right we'll open up the chat actually for everyone to chat with each other so and is there anything else it looks like we have a hand up from richard

[101:19]

Richard. Hello, everyone. And thank you, Sonia, for the talk. Appreciate it. And just to echo about Kate, thank you so much for sharing all that. My heart goes out to you. And yeah, just thank you. Sonia, you were asking about any practice we might be doing with not knowing or how that's coming up. And I've actually been thinking about not knowing quite a lot recently and find that when I can get into that kind of space of not knowing, it's very comforting and it kind of allays a lot of the fear involved in knowing. in the current situation.

[102:20]

And what comes up for me sometimes in reflecting on that is all the negativity of my mind, the natural negative bias and all the fears about the terrible things that are gonna happen. And the idea that since we really don't know, truly don't know what's gonna happen even in the next moment, that maybe the chance of things turning out well is just as good as the chance of things turning out badly. It's just a lot easier to envision them turning out badly. But sometimes I can... I don't know if it's easier, but it's more familiar. It's more familiar, yes. But as I practice, I can start envision things turning out well, and it's very interesting to sort of do that, you know, and be creative in well. what would it look like if we really did start addressing climate change?

[103:22]

And what would that look like if things really turned out well instead of badly? And one of the interesting things that's happened for me is I have a teenage son who's 19. He's going to college at home instead of at college, like a lot of kids are. So we talk a lot. He's very interested in the news and he always has been. He's very interested in politics. which is probably kind of unusual for people that age. But he's very interested in what's going on. But he tends to gravitate towards simple solutions, really wonders why things are so complicated and so complex. And so at times this will come up and I'll be able to talk to him about, we just don't know how things are going to turn out. We don't have to have an answer. It's not required. And that reminds me, too, to sort of get back into that space they're not knowing. And at times, you know, makes things easier.

[104:22]

So thank you for bringing that up. Thank you. Yeah, for something new to happen, something else sometimes needs to drop away. You have to make more space for something new. And it... And if we have some investment in what is, and it's some way that we get our identification with it, then it can be frightening. But if things just keep changing, which, of course, they've kept changing. If they couldn't, I definitely would not have turned 70 this year if I'd had a choice. But I did. So... I think that what was really interesting to me and what you're bringing up about things turning out well, I don't know if this is a good example, but when I was doing some Googling about past pandemics, the one that was 100 years ago, so the 1918-20 flu pandemic.

[105:38]

And then it talked about the turn of all the positive elements that came out of that. Actually, one of the things was the middle class, and we could have a discussion about whether it was positive, but the middle class and the industrialization and productivity. Anyway, it was kind of an amazing creative time. that came out of everything being shut down and people having to find new ways to do things. And it talked about how all of a sudden there, everybody could have cars. So anyway, it was, you know, I've grown up in a time where people have cars, but it was this time where people could own cars. So we don't know what's going to come out of this, but we're creating spaces being created. Yeah. Thank you for that. Yeah. Jenny, where are we?

[106:46]

Looks like Viddy has her hand up again. Hi. I was just wondering if Kate was still around because I was just wanting to echo. I'm doing some Counseling for Patients with Grief. And I think I agree with what you said about this is the good place for us to have a holding space for Kate. And I know that, Kate, you feel it's very brave of you to share all of your suffering. And this is part of the meditation is to hold the suffering of ourself. for ourselves first. And there's a Tibetan Buddhist meditation for grieving. It's 49 days of sitting, but it could be condensed in seven days, but just a chunk of 30 minutes each time and dedicate the first 10 minutes to listen to your pain and allow yourself to feel in the body and to cry.

[108:00]

And then the next 10 minutes is to allow yourself to feel the happy time with the person that you're grieving because so you balance that life is not all just like you said it's not all suffering but the past many years with the person that you lose there's many good moments and we need to not just grieve only the sad part but the good part and after 10 minutes of that so then the next 10 minutes is to focus about what is this about this person you lose what their essence that they that will be that you want to honor that person's spirit and then so at the end of the meditation you will be in a different space because then you become trying to honor the person, one or two best quality about the person in your life.

[109:05]

So at the end of each meditation, you will walk away with a little bit lighter heart. And you have to do that for 49 days or 49 times. And this is the best time to do it because it's very hard to do it alone. And you can do it with a group and always with the Zoom so you don't feel isolated. I'm a physician, so it's a safe way if you can find a friend, a healthy friend. If both person put on the mask and you hug each other but facing away from each other, the risk is very minimal and you still have a way to be held in that way physically too. And that's not as, that is something you still can pursue. So that's just, some of my, you know, suggestion. And if you want to email me, that would be great too.

[110:08]

But I can feel your pain. And this is part of, at this time is to hold each other pain. And this is a good space to be held. Thank you for sharing. Thank you, Vidhi. So I just want to say I feel Kate as a door or a portal. All of these various that she's also expressing myriad circumstances, personal and also myriad circumstances for others. And you can maybe, Kate, you can feel how you've touched other people. And through that, more information is coming and people are directing and channeling information to Kate, but it's also information to all of us here.

[111:14]

Because any one of us could be in exactly a similar situation at any given moment. So thank you, Vidhi, and for all those who are reaching out. And if you start to feel overwhelmed, Kate, you could let us know. Jenny? Yeah, maybe Kate has one last thing to say. She has her hand up. Okay. I just wanted to express my gratitude to all of you. I'm feeling held because of... all the support and the kindness over this last, what, 15 or 20 minutes since I reached out to you. So many people in the chats have reached back. And I just want you to know that I'm so very, very grateful and that for these minutes here that we're sharing right now, I am feeling held.

[112:26]

So thank you. Thank you, Kate. So one thing that happens when we share ourselves is that we also give other people a chance to share and reach out. This opening ourselves and not being held so tightly is a way that we also acknowledge that other people want to be helpful and are willing to be helpful. and that we're so deeply connected, so deeply connected. Also, there's in the chat, it says, send direct chats to anyone in the room, but I don't know how to do that. You would just, there's like a little, like in the chat, there's like a two colon and then a little blue dropdown. And in there you can, click that and it'll have a list of all the people that are in the room and you can just select a person from in there or there's also everyone as an option as well.

[113:37]

Thank you. Okay. Jenny, does she need time to do that or can we? Maybe. I'll leave the room open for a little bit. It looks like Finn might, I don't know, 12 o'clock. This is a time check. And Finn has their hand out. Finn. Finnian. Hi. Hi. Good to see you. Good to see you. Yeah. Thank you for your talk, Sonia. A lot of that resonated with me just about the... Yeah. The... how to hold space for that not knowing and how to be present with that. But I was thinking about a couple of things that, well, something that I do every evening, sort of like an ancestor kind of practice about just like standing and kind of like really feeling myself rooted into the ground and then kind of feeling everyone

[114:53]

that's come before me and that supports me, all of my relatives, people that have touched my life, like everything, people that are still here, people that aren't here anymore and just feeling, feeling like their hands on me, feeling their support and then feeling that going forward into everyone that I'm interacting with and engaging with and feeling how that, that like wave is kind of, I'm just like a part of it. And I think that sort of like helps me to, to be with some of the feelings of disconnect and loneliness of this time is to just kind of really just settle into like what I am, what I am a part of on like a larger sense and how I'm still connected with people that are no longer in my life and how they are living through me and I am living through those who I impact as part of this larger wave that we're all contributing to and turning the wheel. um so i wanted to share that and also there's um a practice that uh we would do it in um reverend angel kyoto williams uh month monthly sits at the end everyone will do like a self-hug in zoom and everyone will hug each other in the cameras and it really is a nice um

[116:17]

it's a nice practice because I feel like just seeing people hug each other and feeling yourself hug yourself, like it really feel like it's a tangible sense of being held. So yeah, I thought that could be, yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah. I thought that would, that could be a nice way to ask people if they would like to do that with you. Yeah. Does that sound, uh, you're in charge. Likeable for everyone. Okay. Go, Finn. All right, everyone. Okay. Oh, Linda's got her own thing. That's great. Oh, there's Bill. Here's your dad. Yeah. All right. And then there's sometimes a little rocking that is helpful. Oh.

[117:22]

All right. So I think it's nearly lunchtime. And oh, we've got nothing. Everybody feel ready? I just want to say thank you. I so much appreciate your participation at this part and and welcoming and for showing up. And please, whatever it is, you can find ways to stay curious and open. Go for it. All right. Thank you so much. Jenny, I'm turning this over to you now to whatever should happen next. Yeah. If anyone wants to unmute themselves, you can go ahead and say goodbye. Thank you, Sonia. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. Thank you.

[118:23]

Thank you. Bye, Sonia. Bye-bye. Thank you all. Bye. Thank you, Sonia. Bye-bye. I think you left before you heard that. Thank you, Kate. Thank you, Sonia. I'm very appreciative and I will see you again. Okay. Go for walks. Go for walks. Yes. Someone put up, Emma, I don't know if it's Emma and Andre or Emma Andre, a website for a link to a grief workshop is in the chat.

[119:32]

Is anyone seeing that right now? Jenny might be able to. Yeah, I see that link in the chat box, the grief workshop. Okay. Jenny, do you know if that's on the website? Yes. It must be. Writing our way from despair to commitment online. Is that something that's through Zen Center? It is. Okay, excellent. So it's going to be taught by somebody there? Yes, by Laura Davis and Tova Green. Yeah. And when I say Zen Center, I mean, Green Gulch, you know, I mean, any of all of it, right? Yeah. Okay, excellent. Is there a way for me to contact Emma Andre? How should I just do that through you, Jenny? Yeah, you could email me and then I can try to put you in touch.

[120:32]

That'd be great. Thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Bye. Bye. Bye, everybody. Bye. It's just amazing to see everybody. I'm so, you can't understand how grateful I am that I was here with all of you this morning. I just, I love it. Good for us. Thank you, Kate. Yeah. You were a great gift for us. Okay, here I go. Bye. Thanks, Kate. Thank you, Sonia. Good hands with Sonia. Okay. Do we wait for everybody or do we just go, Jenny? Head on out. Thank you, Sonia. Thank you, Shindu. Bye-bye. Bye, everyone. Bye-bye.

[121:34]

Bye.

[121:35]

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