This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. So as you have probably noticed, there's a number of people who are sick and unable to continue with the Sashin schedule, our Eno, for one, and Rayrun has stepped in as acting Eno. Thank you very much. And others of you have also gotten sick, and some of you have come back, and others are still gone. So please take good care of yourself. I have been taking up the practice of washing my hands, which you know, for years has been one of those, you know, things offered by our healthcare providers as a good thing to do.

[01:10]

And this year, I've really taken it up more than ever before. Like, whenever I think of it, I go wash my hands. Anyway, whatever you need to do, coughs and sneezes, be sure and muffle. If you're serving food, Use the hand purifier stuff. Wash your hands. Just let's be as attentive to this as we can. I wanted to bring up a poem which I had in mind to bring up earlier in the practice period. The practice period... class and kind of theme was the precepts, practicing with the precepts. And when we were looking at the three pure precepts, embracing and sustaining right conduct or forms and ceremonies, embracing and sustaining all good, embracing and sustaining all beings, we looked at the origins of that, the three pure precepts and how they had changed.

[02:23]

And one of the stories we talked about was about Bird's Nest Roshi, who was a practitioner who did zazen up in a tree. And the story is that he was visited one day by a kind of government official, maybe actually the governor himself, Bo Juyi. And This is Chinese, a Chinese person. His dates are 722 to 846. It's so wonderful. We have stories from, you know, a thousand years ago and more. So Bo Zhui was a governor, government official, and a poet, very famous poet. And he came upon Bird's Nest Roshi. and said to him, it looks pretty dangerous up there.

[03:24]

And Bird's Nest Roshi looked down and said, Governor, it looks pretty dangerous down there, your life. And the governor asked him, well, give me some words of Buddhism. And Bird's Nest Roshi called down to him, don't do evil. Do all good. Purify the mind. This is the teaching of the Buddha. And this is very old teaching from the Dhammapada. And Bo Jui said, I knew that when I was three years old. And Berts Nesro, she said, although we may know it when they're three years old, even a fellow of 80 can't practice it, finds it difficult to practice. So this is a poem by Bo Jui that I just wanted to give you more of a sense of his spirit.

[04:33]

And it turns out the date of this poem is, starts out, the name of the poem is Bitter Cold Living in the Village. In the twelfth month of this eighth year, on the fifth day, A heavy snow fell. Bamboos and cypress all perished from the freeze. How much worse for people without warm clothes? As I looked around the village of ten families, eight or nine were in need. The north wind was sharper than the sword. and homespun cloth could hardly cover one's body. Only brambles were burnt for firewood, and sadly people sat at night to wait for dawn.

[05:41]

From this I know that when winter is harsh, the farmers suffer most. Looking at myself during those days, how I'd shut tight the gate of my thatched hut, my thatched hall. Cover myself with fur, wool, and silk. Sitting or lying down, I had ample warmth. I was lucky to be spared cold or hunger. Neither did I have the labor Did I have to labor in the field? Thinking of that, how can I not feel ashamed? I ask myself, what kind of man am I? So this poet had the privileges of warm clothes and a warm place to live but was paying attention to those around him and their suffering and their needs and yet saw that his actions were closing his thatched hall, closing the gate of his thatched hall and staying warm inside, separating himself

[07:19]

And then feeling what that felt like to be separating from those who are suffering. And feeling some, he says, ashamed of himself. So the north wind is sharper than the sword. knowing those, hearing of those, if we don't know it personally right now, hearing of those suffering beings without warmth, without food, without... And what can we do? How do we respond to this? And how do we take up our life in such a way that includes...

[08:22]

All beings. Where do we find refuge? Our practicing in Sashin, arising and getting up every morning, coming to the Zendo, serving, staying with the schedule, with each other, This is a taking refuge. And all beings are affected. And all those who live with you and speak with you will receive this gift. Yesterday we talked about attention And also the day before I mentioned impose and compose.

[09:28]

And I wanted to say something about those words and then talk about with you paying attention to the breath and the body and pain. If there happens to be any pain that might be needing attention. I thought we could talk about that today. So the word impose and compose, finding our composure and not imposing control. And those two words actually come from different roots, which I was very interested to find out. The impose is to establish or apply as compulsory or levying something on ourselves. and to make prevail by authority or with force.

[10:35]

This is impose. And it comes from the word that means to place or put. Compose comes from the root that means to pause and to rest. to make or create by putting together, like a musical composition or to constitute something with parts, but also to settle, to make one's mind or body calm or tranquil, and to quiet. So this is to compose ourself. And it comes from, the root word means to pause or to reconcile. to cease or to stop. So letting go of imposing anything and finding our composure by resting, letting go, letting go of the imposing, letting go of forcing

[11:56]

and finding in a kind of pause of imposition our resting quiet. And then there's room for attention. So attention comes from the root that means to stretch out and other words that are Root words with it are tender, tent, intend, tendrils, tendons, this kind of stretching quality. And this stretching the mind to take in exactly what's there is attending. Careful observing or listening. noticing with observant consideration.

[13:04]

And to attend is to be present, to wait upon, to allow things to come forth and be present for how they unfold before us, rather than imposing our meaning on them. And to take care of, to attend, as the same as taking care of a sick person, to attend someone. To listen and to heed. These are all parts of attention and attending. And also, attendants are ready to serve. So to be attending upon ourselves is to wait and be ready to serve ourselves in the fullest way. There's a word in Sanskrit also that has the same early, early root, Indo-European root, and in Sanskrit, the word, this same root means to stretch or to weave, and it's the root of the word tantra.

[14:37]

So, being tender with ourselves as we stretch into not our regular habitual way, but attending and waiting, paying attention with observant consideration to each thing, each moment. So when we pay attention to each moment we might find, especially when there's very few activities going on, when we're just sitting facing the wall, facing or facing the room, but not much happening. We find what is happening, often we are immediately brought to that thing which is most compelling or most

[15:45]

which may be our breath. Now, our breath, if we're in the present moment as thoroughly as we can, there's our breath, there's our body and breath. And the thinking mind or the discursive mind discriminating mind is often not in the moment but somewhere else in the past in the future on vacation somewhere going to another place in Hawaii I often think of going on vacation in Hawaii or and and then oh We're back. Where are we?

[16:46]

Where are we? I've told this story in Sashin about my friend who, during the whole seven days, Sashin was not actually in the present moment. She was planning her wedding, the entire wedding, her dress, all the bridesmaids' dresses, the food, the cake, the flowers, the venue, and she wasn't even in a relationship. Seven days. So come back to the present. Come back and pay attention. And you hear this often, unify body, breath, and mind. This is in our zazen posture, zazen practice, kin, hin, whatever we're doing to be unified. So the breath and the body, breath and body are in the present. The breath can't go past or leap into the future.

[17:50]

But our thinking mind, our discursive, discriminating, can leap all over. It's the power of our minds that we have this ability to make these connections go forward and back. And this is a great power and also a great burden. and a great problem often in terms of being present. So in the Fukan Zazengi, Universal Admonitions for Zazen, it says, cast aside all involvements. These are the Zazen instructions given to everybody can hear these Zazen instructions. Other people might get something very particular for them during a particular time in their life or They're having a physical difficulty. Some, they may receive from a teacher or meditation instructor something very particular.

[18:54]

But the universal admonitions are fukkanza zengi, dogens, fukkanza zengi, and it says, you know, very simple, you know, a quiet room, eat and drink moderately, these kinds of things. Find a soft, good, you know, cushion, Matt and a cushion above. Sorry. And then it says, you know, cast aside all involvements and cease all affairs. Cease all the movements of the conscious mind. The gauging of all thoughts and views. The gauging of all thoughts and views. This gauging of all thoughts and views. or of involvements, is the ability of the mind to go all over the place, go over past experiences, past arguments, and I should have said this, and if, you know, I'll give them a piece of my mind next time, and just, we have this ability, and this will be disunified, you know.

[20:06]

And the whole period can go, we didn't hear a bell, we didn't hear the rain, we didn't notice anything, we were lost in confusion, lost, we were not attending to the present moment, paying attention, attention, attention, observing exactly what was happening. So this happens, and if we notice, it doesn't need to be an obstacle. We just come back to breath and body. But we could also be lost. Years of being lost. And often the eight wins, you know, will be part of this gauging of all thoughts and views and commentaries. Do not think good or bad.

[21:07]

It's plenty of thinking of good or bad. So these admonitions, do not think good or bad. Do not administer pros and cons. This is hard to do. We're so used to this. Pros and cons, good and bad, gauging with commentary and all sorts of involvements. And our Zazen instruction says, set this aside. Can we set this aside? How refreshing. This is, you know, setting all this aside is touching the earth. You know, the story of the Buddha when Mara came with all sorts of pros and cons, you know, and good and bad, and involvements. Get involved in this. How about this? And, you know, the practice of setting it aside, not getting involved, just touching the earth, can we find the present moment, this body, breath, and mind unified?

[22:22]

So it's more simply said than done. And in our Even something like paying attention to our breath. Your breath does not have to be any special way. It doesn't have to be long and slow and full and round. And you might find yourself gauging. It's not deep enough. It's not this or that. I can't. It should be here. It should be there. Just attend to it. Just listen and attend. However it is, is how it is. You can't call it good or bad. It is what it is. What is it? Not even the 10,000 sages can say what it is. The entire universe is there in that breath.

[23:32]

If it's shallow and fast... Then attend it, shallow and fast, deep and slow, long or short. Breathing in, I'm breathing in a long breath. Breathing out, I'm breathing out a long breath. Just attend. Breathing in, I'm breathing in a short breath. Breathing out, I'm breathing out a short breath. That's all. Just attend, just attention. And we can notice if we're adding to that, like, that's not long enough. It shouldn't be shallow. Everybody else is breathing from their hara, and I can't find my hara. What is the hara? That's all interpreting and commentary and gauging, gauging thoughts and views. Can we let go of that?

[24:34]

And just breathing in, I'm breathing in. Not even short or long. That might even be too much. Depending on how you are with it, it can be just naming something short or long. But if you've got anything extra, like goodness is long and shortness is bad, drop it, you know. Just breathing in, just in, out. And maybe that's too much. Just nothing. Just letting go of all thoughts or views and attending with don't know mind. What is it? What is breath? So this is sometimes very difficult to pull it apart, the gauging of all thoughts and views and the involvements, because we're so used to this. Our habit is... And our expertise is being able to comment accurately, cleverly.

[25:46]

We get a lot of reinforcement for this. So in Zazen, set aside all involvement, cease all affairs. And one might think, if I only could. Try it. Let's try to just attend. This difficulty of the commentary, we're constantly making significance out of things, making meaning, meaning-making, and adding to things from our own karmic life, our karmic formations. something happens, oh, that means this. That means they don't like me. That means they're angry at me. That means they did it wrong. I heard from the Tenzo, I looked at the menus for Sashin, and she had said they were having sesame soybeans, and I wrote back, it was an email, I wrote back, oh, good, sesame soybeans, my favorite.

[26:56]

Or, I didn't say my favorite, I said, oh, good, I'm looking forward to sesame soybeans. She wrote back and said, I heard that you didn't like sesame soybeans, so I haven't served them the whole time I've been tensile. Is that a misunderstanding? And I wrote back, big misunderstanding, exclamation point. Sesame soybeans are my absolute favorite. Who knows? Somewhere, somehow, telephone, it's like playing telephone. The Abbas doesn't like sesame soybeans. Somehow got back to the tensile, and for months we haven't had them. Who interpreted it that way? Maybe they saw me. I only took one scoop that time. Oh, I don't know. But we're constantly making meaning, making meaning, passing it on. And this comes from our own circle of water, our own karmic consciousness, and that we believe in, think it's true, and act from there.

[27:59]

And this goes on endlessly, and it's a wonder that we can communicate it all, I often think. Because the meanings that we have for things are so personal, and we assume, you know. So whatever the experience is, to stay with the most simple experience, sensation of the breath and the body, And this is a body breath, you know, body and breath. We talk about them, you know, for purposes of, you know, attention. We can talk about them separately. But body breath is body and breath. When we breathe in, the entire body is breathing. Not one cell of the body is without oxygenation. Every cell. Every part of the body is filled and emptied.

[29:06]

So we can feel the breath in one particular place or another, but the whole body is breathing. Can we pay attention to whole body breath? But if we're... off thinking about this, that, and the other. We miss the present moment. It sounds funny to say, how could we miss it? The body and breath can't be anywhere else but this flowing moment. And this to unify by bringing the mind, bringing our thinking mind right there, unifying it with body and breath. So some of us in our work use the mind and need the thinking, intelligent, abstract thinking.

[30:14]

This is our work. And often, you know, sometimes people have told me that they kind of exist from here up. You know, it's like body, what body? You know, it's like they're not aware, they don't. And this comes up often in teaching Zen techniques traditional practices, which are body practices, or yoke practice, serving the posture itself. It's like, which is my left hand, right hand? I never thought about which foot or lifting. You know, it's like bringing the attention throughout the body. When you're doing kinhin, bringing your attention to the feet as they, you know, inhale, up comes the heel. Exhale, down comes the foot, the half step, and the body shifts, the weight shifts, and all those myriad bones in the foot are doing incredible things in order to keep balance.

[31:16]

On one foot, you know, balancing this 100-plus pound of vent, and it's on this little thingy-do that's, it's amazing, you know, what's happening. And can you be there for what's going on? And the next lift and exhale, shift the weight. Completely be in your body and breath, unified as you move. Many of you leave for Kinian and you're welcome to leave to use the bathroom. This is, you know, we have a long period of time from... you know, two periods of Zazen through service and soji and so forth. However, if you're able to stay in this end of Furkini, and it's not a break time, as you've been told myriad times in your life, and to give yourself the gift of walking meditation, which sometimes you may find you can't sit because of your upset and grief and, you know,

[32:29]

a mind that is so unable to sit still that only walking meditation will meet you. This may happen. So to have a walking meditation practice will serve you and serve the world entering into each moment through movement. So please If you can, stay for walking meditation. And then it's one long period of sasen with movement and stillness and stillness and movement. So to drop off the commentary and the involvements and the gauging and to be able to tease apart what is simply arising in each moment from our commentary about it and our interpretation about it and come to the most simple, simple sounds, smells, tastes, touchables and thoughts that arise and vanish without giving lots of energy to

[33:58]

making significant meanings of various kinds, which come from our, you know, often from our karmic consciousness, that aren't necessary, you know. When, you know, or yoke practices is a wonderful place to work with just receive the food and the smells and the visual... and appreciate with a full body appreciation, and watch to see the mind that's saying, oh, I don't like oatmeal, or it's too thin, or it's too thick, or whatever, you know, can we, you know, that thought comes up, let it come and let it go, and notice, oh, you know, just... What is the experience of being served and noticing, I think, in Sashin, in particular, the chance to notice sound and smell and taste and touchable in our oryoki practice or in our tea practice, you know, to just take the cookie closest to you and drop off gauging and looking around for the one with the...

[35:25]

the most chocolate chips and the biggest brownie that I ever saw in my life. And I want that one, you know. How free it is, really. It's, as Maya said, it's enlightenment itself to take the cookie closest to you. Just like in tea ceremony, the practice, you know, you're offered these tea treats and you take the one closest to you. How free it is. How free from greed, hate, and delusion to just... It's true. How free it is to be freed from our own karmic greed, hate, and delusion. That wants something better for me. And then you might feel, oh, my neighbor, I took it from my neighbor. Just the one closest to you. One day it'll have the most chocolate chips.

[36:26]

The next day it won't. It all evens out in the end if you eat enough cookies. So our breath is no special way. We're not trying to do... There's many practices, ujjayi breath and yoga, where you close the... the air pipes slightly and lengthen the breath and make it long and breathe on one side or another, closing up one lung. In Zazen, just the most simple, just however it is, just breathe that way. Wherever you feel it in the body, feel it that way. Don't force it. Don't impose low belly breathing. You might find that that's exactly where the breath... That's where you feel it. That's where it's bringing your attention. But no imposing or imposing length and allow the body to just in this relaxed upright posture feel wherever you feel the breath.

[37:39]

And if you're dropping the shoulders and relaxed you may very well feel it in your lower down in the body. But no imposition, no imposing. So I wanted to say something about pain and the experience of pain. As you may have found out, pain comes and goes You know? We often have an idea. The idea of pain is that it's a solid thing. But if we pay attention, if we're closely, closely attending, observing with consideration and being there for the sensation of the body, we'll see, and I think this can be borne out in many different ways, that it isn't pain is not a solid thing.

[38:50]

a substantial solid thing like anything else. It's not a substantial solid thing and it has movement there. It has often, it comes and goes or it's pulsing. And when you're very relaxed, you might feel the pain diminishes. If you're very tense and bracing and contracted, it gets worse and worse and worse, and this is physical sensations, but also the mental pain and the emotional part of pain is what I've found to be much more complicated, much more difficult to attend to, actually. So there may be the straight old physical sensation that is strong, a very strong sensation.

[39:51]

And then there's the secondary part, which is fear. Fear of, well, it might be a lot of things, fear of experiencing strong sensation. But there might be also, I'm going to hurt myself. Or what if I hurt myself? Or I can't take this, I can't stand this. That kind of a thought, I got panicky. That was when I first began sitting. I had an enormous amount of fear of feeling the pain. I just couldn't... Fear would arise and fill me. And, you know, I don't think it was so much fear of hurting myself. It was more, if I actually experienced this... I won't be able to stand it. I don't know. That was the words I had. I don't even know what that means. And so I would run.

[40:56]

Not off the cushion. I would stay on the cushion. But I would run, mentally and emotionally run. And I couldn't stay still. And then I'd try it again. And then I'd have the fear come up. And then on top of that, so there were all these levels. There was... the physical sensation itself, which was more than I had ever experienced before, and then the fear of that, and then the anger at myself, and the criticism, and disgust, you know, with my own, I don't know what I called it, cowardice, and I just threw the book at myself, you know. The worst, you know. worthless and just you name it you know so those secondary things were worse I think than the physical sensation itself the and I was tossed around you know like a leaf in the wind of pleasure and pain and good and bad and praise and blame of myself and just talk about

[42:14]

the eight winds, you know. Hurricanes were happening right here on the cushion, you know, in silence. Enough so, you know, I didn't know where to turn, you know. There was no place to turn, there was no place to run if I was gonna stay with it. I think in one of those sessions, two people left the session And they didn't want anybody to see them leave. This was at City Center, those of you who know City Center. And they came up from the Zendo and they got down and crawled through the lobby so that the person working in the front office wouldn't see them. They crawled past the open window there, you know, where the person in the office sits and got out the door. So nobody saw them. And I wasn't about to do that, but... I felt like it. And along with the pain are thoughts like, if only this pain were not there, then I could practice Sazen.

[43:27]

And that's a particularly sticky, you know, that if only. This is samsara. This is the language of samsaric life. If only. If only things weren't this way then. If only I wasn't such and such then. If only I, I think somebody told me that they had this wish of like, it's kind of graphic, but like snipping the nerves in their legs. Then they would sit full lotus and then they could practice sazen. You know, if they could just be numb from the waist down, then they could sit, you know, that kind of thought. If only I didn't have, you know, if only I hadn't been in that accident, then I could practice and didn't have a back pain. If only, if only, if only. This is very, very sticky, and this is one of those thoughts and views.

[44:29]

And it will toss us around, really, that one, the if only. And it's a kind of a habit. You can catch it, if only. If only my neighbor wasn't so... My first session, my neighbor had something the matter with her jaw, which clicked every time she chewed. Click, click, click, click. And I remember thinking, she is ruining my practice. If only, you know, I wasn't sitting by her then. I don't know, then what? Then I could sit, then I'd be okay, then this is samsara thinking. And so part of our attention is to include whatever is happening. If we have a clicking jaw neighbor or a neighbor that moves or doesn't move, whatever it is that we're blaming them for, you know, for ruining our practice.

[45:38]

We could be mad at them for not moving just as... To include our neighbors, whatever's happening with our neighbor, that's part of our consciousness. We can attend to the sound of moving, just like the sound of rain, the sound of our breath, or these thoughts that arise and vanish. Attend to it without getting involved, without getting caught. It's very simple. This is simple touch-the-earth practice. So as you're experiencing pain, which everyone does, I would think, there's only one person I knew of who really had no pain.

[46:39]

They were just very, very limber. they didn't quite get the taste of the practice because it was like, what is the problem here? What is everybody all making such a big effort about? It was so easy. So our struggles and our coming back to our cushion, whatever our circumstances, whatever the pain, to meet it over and over and over again, we taste... We taste the depth of our practice and the depth of our life. And this is not just for this sashin or this day, but for our entire life. To taste how to meet our life, whatever is being presented, we are transformed by this forever.

[47:39]

So to attend to these physical sensations, what is going on with the coming and going of the pulsing on and off? When does it get very, very, very, very strong? Do you notice that you're not relaxed then? Can you relax? Can you breathe into the pain? Bring your consciousness and breath to that spot. And you may not be able to follow your breath or stay with your breath when there's a lot of pain. The most compelling thing is the pain. So bring your attention to that part of the body, your back, your shoulders, your knees, your hips. That's where you bring your attention or breathe into that place. With tenderness. This is the attention.

[48:47]

With tenderness. Not criticism and, you know, if only you didn't feel this, then you could practice. But tender, loving, relaxed body-mind. Right to that place. Right to all those places. So yesterday I mentioned the World Honored One ascending the seat. One day the World Honored One ascended the seat. Manjushri struck the gavel and said clearly observe the Dharma of the Dharma King.

[49:48]

The Dharma of the Dharma King is thus. And the World Honored One got down from his seat. Dharma of the Dharma king and queen is thus. Can we be completely thus? Can we be thus? Not be present for thusness. We are going to observe thusness. But our clearly observing body-mind, unified body-breath and mind, is thus. In the poem where it says, nothing can be done about Manjushri's leaking, the poem is, the unique breeze of reality, do you see it? Continuously creation runs her loom and shuttle, weaving the ancient brocade, incorporating the forms of spring.

[51:04]

But nothing can be done about Manjushri's leaking. So leaking, the term leaking is sometimes called outflows, ashrava, to flow out. Flow out in terms of seeing things dualistically, subject and object. This is called leaking. And it's enervating. It takes our energy. seeing things in that way, dualistically, us and them, I, me and mine and yours. And the eight wints, you know, this is leaking, seeing things as pleasure and pain and profit and loss. So, and nothing can be done about Manjushri's leaking. Manjushri's leaking is heaping, he said, look, everybody, look, the world honored one, look, the Dharma of the Dharma king is thus, could everyone please look?

[52:20]

This is leaking. And yet, if Manjushri isn't or somebody isn't pointing to the moon, we may be so busy thinking about Tahiti and everything else that we never see the moon. Somebody might have to point to the moon or say, how about sitting down and just being quiet? How about stopping running around? Someone might say that to you, or you might notice somebody seems to be, or you might ask somebody, So this is Manjushri's leaking. Nothing can be done about it. This is the Dharmakaya comes forth in this way to help us, to point us, to say, look, look at thusness. But not so that we'll look at thusness, but so we'll understand that we are thus.

[53:27]

Toys are us. We are thus. That's even saying too much to say we are thus. It's already dualistic. This is our language. So nothing can be done about Manjushri's leaking. Nothing can be done about these silly talks that... keep happening every morning here at 10. Nothing can be done about it. But don't be fooled. Each one of us has to secure, she says, we have to be the boss, the boss of our own life. I think, you know, with this leaf flying in the wind, to be the boss means we are tending to this very moment, fully, thusly.

[54:32]

Then, you know, so then a thought comes and it doesn't take us away. It just arises and vanishes. We're the boss. I love that term, being the boss. Suzuki Roshi, you know. Being the boss of our own life, it's... This is our dharma position. Our bodhimanda is our dharma position, our awakened spot. And to be fully there, fully present, touching the earth there. We have to be there. If we're off wandering around, we lose our strength. We lose our life. So Manjushri says, look, clearly observe. And someone else might say, pay attention, EQ, attention, attention, attention. And then everything that everybody else has ever said to you, nothing can be done about the leaking.

[55:41]

Don't be fooled. Your practice is your practice. Nobody can give it to you and nobody can take it away. It's in your hands. It is your hands. I want to read this poem again which is a compassionate poem and then I want to open it for questions. In the 12th month of the eighth year, on the fifth day, which is today, a heavy snow fell. Bamboos and cypress all perished from the freeze.

[56:43]

How much worse for people without warm clothes. As I looked around the village of 10 families, eight or nine were in need. The north wind was sharper than the sword, and homespun cloth could hardly cover one's body. Only brambles were burnt for firewood. And sadly, people sat at night to wait for dawn. From this, I know that when winter is harsh, the farmers suffer most. Looking at myself during those days, how I'd shut tight the gate of my thatched hall, cover myself with fur, wood, and silk. Sitting or lying down, I had ample warmth. I was lucky to be spared cold or hunger. Neither did I have to labor in the field. Thinking of that, how can I not feel ashamed? I asked myself, what kind of man am I? This is his practice, asking himself.

[57:50]

So, do you have anything you'd like to bring up? Yes, Barbara. Body pain. Body pain. I've dealt with Manageable pain for about eight, 10 years. When I listen to you, I'm really aware of all those things of fear and anxiety. Let's never get all those gymnastics, the secondary level you're talking about. But in this session, by the end of the day, there is just pain. And I think of the picture when you go to the hospital, they get little faces. You want the tennis, you point the one that you're at. At about eight, there are tears. And you know that any amount of result or anything is just plain pain. So that's really a problem for me. Should I just leave now? No, that's how I feel, actually. It's like, oh, I mean, I hear you saying, you know, don't judge yourself, et cetera.

[58:53]

But at a certain point, I feel that to keep coming back session after session, is in fact imposing something my body can't do. Yes, yes. Well, I appreciate your looking at what the difference is between imposing and maybe hurting yourself, which our practice is not to impose, you know, and hurt ourselves, which people have done. They've wrecked their knees, they've gotten sciatica and not been able to sit on a chair ever again, you know. So each of us has to be attending to our bodies very, very, very carefully. And it may be you need to do kinyin for a period. It may be that you need to lie down or ice, take a period off to ice. So this thing of imposing, yes, we say follow the schedule completely.

[59:54]

That's the admonition. And then we don't say follow the schedule completely until you ruin your health or something like that. It's, you know, follow the schedule completely includes the wisdom of the body and the wisdom of what's going on right now. And to include that. And, you know, at different times in your life, it's different. At different times, there is, you uncross your legs and say, Kenyan, you're fine, actually. You feel great. And then you come back and, oh, there it is again. So you're not worried, let's say. Other times there's something going on, it's lasting. This is, if numbness, I should let you all know, if numbness is lasting during kinyin, if there's any, your legs go to sleep and then it lasts, this is a red flag. Be really, really careful about that. So...

[60:55]

You know, I think if you, Barbara, as somebody, you're an athlete, you know about the body and pain and pushing yourself and maybe pushing yourself. Maybe you'll experiment with going way overboard and hurting yourself. I don't know. So you want to come back from that and rest if you need to and come back. And that I'm speaking to Barbara. Somebody else, it may be completely different. What's going on is completely different. So I would talk with somebody if you're going to step out of the schedule or feel like you need to do Keating for a period. Keep in communication. But I know this experience of a level of pain that was hard to imagine has happened. And to meet that with composure, like you haven't You know, the whole room, I look at the room and people are sitting and I know what people are going through having sat-sishing myself.

[62:07]

And there's a quiet, you know, even when people are changing positions, they do so mindfully and carefully. And so this is a very skillful way to meet our life. And so each person is... individually has to meet this. And you know when you laughed really hard just then, after you spoke and laughed, I don't know how you felt after you laughed, if you felt any pain or if you're feeling any pain now. Laughter is a great medicine. Laughter is a great medicine and one session where I was in excruciating pain during a lecture and sitting through it and And then the lecturer said a joke, oh, just now, when we laughed, didn't we laugh a little while ago? You might have noticed, oh, the pain went away somehow, gone, vanished. So this can happen. It's like, what is pain? You can't say what it is.

[63:09]

Your entire life is coming forth at that moment, including all the significance of pain for you. which is the secondary stuff, the karmic formations. And there's also the physical sensations. What are they? And can you relax in the middle of it? So this is, we have this chance voluntarily. You're all here voluntarily. I know this. You have decided, you have said, I want to do this. This is a voluntary meeting with parts of your life that you would never find voluntarily in another way. You don't go unless you are not well or something where you are wanting to hurt yourself in some way. So this is very unusual to voluntarily come into this room and sit on your cushion time and time again.

[64:12]

And the other pain in our life, most of the pain in our life is not voluntary. You know, it comes and will come without our choice. Yeah. Hello? I'm noticing myself doing a lot of the, like, shoving plate and be of the bashful stuff. Yes. It feels contrary to what everyone sort of said would have been thinking about it. you know, the participants around me are appreciating with these, like, immediate ruin of being, and I'm having this just, like, real resentment coming up. Like, everyone, for nothing. And it's, I guess, for me, that's only, like, how, how you would that switch it on at, like, a look, a glance, something totally insignificant.

[65:13]

And then I decide, like, Thank you. Thank you. Does anyone resonate with what Ella has been talking about? Yeah. So I don't know, you know, this. Yes, I think that can be the experience. People become radiant, blooming flowers, each one of them. And... What? Later in the session, yeah. This experience of everybody annoying and bothering and having a short fuse a little bit, I don't think that's so unusual. I really don't. And the fact, though, in Sashin is you can't really act it out. This is why we say... What precepts are not followed? If you're staying within the schedule, you're just serving, doing your thing, running the towels, sitting, taking your place, and not speaking.

[66:22]

And you can notice this tendency. You can notice. And then you can ask, or maybe you don't even ask. You just notice. You just attend. Resentment is arising in me, you know. I don't like these people. Everybody's annoying and irritating me. I am so irritable. You know, and if we're living with roommates, you know, our roommates, their endearing qualities become just annoying, you know, or vice versa. Their annoying qualities become endearing finally, you know. So this, it's a fluid thing, and... For you to notice it and publicly let us know. I think I just really appreciate that. And there is no particular way. Everyone's sesheen is their own sesheen. And thinking of that first sesheen, everybody at the end was hugging each other and oh, and thanking everybody.

[67:33]

And it was this hoopla at the tea afterwards. And I just... I didn't want to, I hated everybody. I just, and we didn't wash all week, you know, so I just, it was probably part of it. I said, I'm going to wash my hair, I said to myself, and I marched upstairs at Zen Center in the city, took a shower and washed my hair, you know. And the next day I felt a little different, you know, actually after, but this is what's happening, it's okay. Just pay attention. Thank you. Thank you, Yasha. So one of the order of interbeing, one of the precepts is about not averting from suffering, not shielding ourselves from suffering of others.

[68:38]

So anyway, what you brought up of realizing how little we know even about what people are going through, or are they or aren't they, and I think you're right. I think, you know, living the privileged life, this bo-ju-yi, you know, maybe this exposure to the suffering of others that he had due to his karmic life not being interested in or privy to or, and doesn't know that much about it really, what it's like. Thank you. First I was wondering if it would be appropriate to ask if there's anyone amongst us who is not in pain Are you asking if it's okay to ask that? Yeah.

[69:39]

If there is someone like that, I would just... You want to hear what they have to say? And then when I can tell people are in pain, and I'm kind of waiting for my own break down. I've been in a lot of pain in the last three days, and then I feel like there's this there's this point where my shoulders kind of like collapse and I'll fall, kind of like, and it hasn't happened yet, but it's happened in Sashin and I'm just kind of weak. What is, what's appropriate to do for our fellow Sashin participants when you know that they're just suffering, like they're really crying or they're just really struggling. It's like I want to do something, but my hands are in Shashu and I'm keeping my eyes averted. like trying to send them loving kindness, but I don't know if that's enough, and I don't know what's appropriate.

[70:40]

What, and I just don't know, what do I do? What an unusually lovely question. First of all, the first part, is there, it reminds me of some biblical thing, who amongst us, oh, throw the first stone, yeah, who amongst us is without pain? At this session. Okay, all right, so... If you were wondering, you know, you need wonder no more. And what, you know, what I found, it's not appropriate, nor does anyone want that for you to come over and say, it's okay, it's going to be okay. Everybody needs to meet their life completely within the forms of sesheen, you know, which is so rare to... Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling without anybody trying to fix it, make it better. However, how do we take good care of each other?

[71:44]

We muffle coughs and sneezes. When we serve each other, we do it like you're serving the Buddha. You are serving the Buddha. When you're a server and you bow, You're bowing to Buddha and you get to serve. Now we set out Buddha's bowls. These are Buddha's bowls and you can serve the person as if they were Buddha and bow to them as if they are Buddha. Not as if, bow to Buddha. Bowing to each other, bowing to Buddha. Taking your seat, moving quietly and nothing to disrupt. the smooth-flowing people and work and all of that is taking good care of somebody. And you can feel it. Somebody hands you the dish towel. You're on the dish crew or whatever.

[72:46]

You can feel the love that's there and the attention and the I'm with you and we're in this together. That can be conveyed through all our activities and are sitting. So that's what comes to mind for me. And if a person is, if you notice somebody is in great difficulty, you might tell that the practice leaders haven't noticed. You might tell a practice leader, I think so-and-so, I noticed such and such. You don't even have to comment. You notice so-and-so was on the back stairs in a heap. And that's all. You don't have to say, and they really need you to come right away. Just, you let somebody know that. Because why? Because it looks like they weren't following the schedule and they weren't able to. So I think to refrain from, the zendo, as I've said, is big enough to hold the agony and the ecstasy.

[73:57]

and does. It can hold laughter, it can hold tears, it can hold everything. Yeah. I'm very thankful, and I get very excited about doing something very well. And I thought, I want to go over it. And so a lot of that for me is about, okay, is it really, you know, how to do this now, not let the death. And even because I'm bored, it's actually a lot of that. That's for me, you know, I think it's done right now, it's fitting. And kind of being the expert, looking at, it's like impulsive heart space.

[75:00]

would be wonderful to do this, would be really good to tell someone this. And so I get, I think I can flip it with how to understand right now is true, and is this sort of creative with the culture, not much about it yet. And sometimes I'm talking, but I'm not always able to decipher it, so I'm wondering, is that having more time to practice, and I'm just watching But throughout the day, I was trying to work. And by the time I spoke last night, I was feeling slowly. And it was like, oh, that's great for me. And so being a little more, even within that, you know, that kind of feels like a very deep now. That's my gift. Yeah, what a wonderful question.

[76:15]

Thank you, Sarah. I think, you know, the idea that Zen students are supposed to be a certain way, you know, like calm or, you know, or I think... The deepest calm is to be your own true self, right? And that includes, that calmness includes, you know, full expression of whatever in accord, in accord, in accord with causes and conditions. So, so some people, you know, we have, everyone has their own karmic consciousness and karmic life, karmic formations. And some people are introverts, some are extroverts and extroverts. So your question of how do you tease away what's authentic sereness and what's kind of karmic, sort of habitual, routinized activity?

[77:16]

Yes. The heart, you know, the heart moment is not somehow its own thing separated from the causes and conditions of this moment. There isn't like a heart moment that's the truth. Somehow, all by itself, outside of the dependently co-arisen now. Do you get a feeling for that? So it has to be in accord with causes and conditions or it will just be habit. It may be a lovely and wonderful habit, you know, but if it's a formulaic habit and not in accord, then it won't be your true self because your true self is in accord with all things, is thus.

[78:30]

Do you get the feeling for that? So the unique breeze of reality includes not only what's coming up in us and that feels like it needs to be expressed now, What about the entire surround, you know, according with the atmosphere and the people around you and everything? And we're in Sashin, the forms of Sashin, you know. So something might come up, but whether to express it or not might be that question. Is it? Is it the right time and place? That's all part of your unique breeze of reality. There isn't a breeze that's apart from, you know, the nature of wind. Naomi.

[79:39]

So I'm wondering... about attention. I guess I think of attention or maybe mindfulness as kind of, attention it's like naming. It's often for me that's the closest thing I can think. And so I'm also hearing you saying that's not so useful either to just be naming all the time because it's putting everything into boxes. So what's attention or what is our effort with attention? Did everyone hear Naomi? Yes, I can't tell you. You're going like this? Yes. So there is the practice of labeling. that maybe many of you have practiced with, mindfulness practice where you label thinking, thinking, commenting.

[80:49]

You label judging, I guess. And that can be very, very useful, I think. I wasn't, and that could be a kind of attention that you choose to pay attention to those kinds of ways your mind works. the attention, you know, attending to like the sound of the raindrops, like Albert last night said, the sound of the raindrops, how musical. And I don't know about you, but right then it's like I almost heard the melody, you know, and I hadn't been paying attention to the sounds. That was a big part of that moment, you know, was these sounds. But I don't know where I was, but... Honolulu probably, but anyway. So attention to, and I suppose you could have some judgment like they are good raindrops or bad raindrops, but often just paying attention to sound.

[81:54]

There's not much commentary there, or it's just the sound. Paying attention to your body on the cushion, the sensation of your body. bottom and legs and thighs and the weight of your body just are you can you bring your attention to the sensation of the body and then you might notice not relaxed enough for some comment and you can notice that but coming into the sensation of the body and breath where you feel it in the body that's and the breath itself how it feels how it massages the body. The breath is a massage. Actually, it's true. The heart receives a massage the way it's connected to the diaphragm and every in-breath and out-breath. The heart is massaged very. And you also do little mini backbends.

[82:55]

When you inhale, there's a mini backbend through the spine and the exhale. Cow and cat, you know, for yoga. With each breath, you do a little bit of a cow and a little bit of a cat. This is cow, cat. But teeny, can you notice that? Can you be there? Filling your attention with this present moment, unifying body, breath, and mind. Like that. I guess it's related to the eight winds maybe for me because I've been curious about that you know, how can we be free from that? Is it naming? You know, are we naming, oh, this is profit, this is blame, this is, you know, or is there a quality of attention that's another thing, you know, that's not just the naming?

[83:57]

You know, feeling the inhale through the back. What profit is there? What loss? You know, it's not germane anymore. It's just the body-mind is filled. I don't even know what to call it, what it's filled with. But attending to body-ness. You know, good reputation. It loses, there's no, it has no, what's the word? There's no traction for good reputation, bad reputation. It's just sound of the raindrops. There's probably more to talk about, yeah. Well, I'm ready to close up shop. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support.

[85:21]

For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[85:30]

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