This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. Good morning, everyone, and especially good morning to all the young people who are here. Thank you for coming. I see you all over the center. After a short talk, a little story I'm going to tell you. The children are going down to the garden for a special kind of adventure that only the garden can provide. Special smells and tastes and so that will be the next thing that you will do, but first I wanted to show you something and also to tell you a story, okay?

[01:05]

How many of you have a pet at your house? Dogs, how many of you have dogs? Cats, cats, who has fish? Fish, birds, turtles, what else? What? What was that? Rabbit, a rabbit, oh my. Okay, well, and guinea pigs. It's wonderful to have pets and learn to take care of them. How many of you have a stuffed animal that's not a real pet that you sleep with maybe? Yes. Or a blanket, a special blanket or a stuffed animal? Well, I wanted to show you the stuffed animal that I had when I was a little girl.

[02:08]

And this stuffed animal is 65 years old. This is George. And George is pretty old. His ears are kind of... It was in a fire, actually. It was in a fire. His ear got burned, and his legs or arms are kind of hanging, and his tail is very strange. It has a marble in it, so when it wags... So I had George for many, many years... And slept with George. And carried George on trips. Do you take your stuffy with you when you go on a trip? On the airplane? Yes. George was very important in my life. So I really wanted to show him to you today.

[03:11]

We never knew whether it was a dog or a rabbit. It looks like a dog to you. Yeah, I guess if it were a rabbit, but... You think it's a rabbit? Dogs have this kind of ears. Well, it's a mystery and we can all kind of decide what we think. Anyway, I want to tell you this story. This is a story about a little boy in a town. So once upon a time in a lovely little town, there was a pet store. And the pet store was painted watermelon color with a blue roof. And it was right on the main street. And one day, the owner of the pet store put out a sign that said, puppies for sale, puppies for sale.

[04:19]

And then the store owner just waited, because he knew pretty soon Some child would want to come and look at those puppies. And lo and behold, a little boy walked down the street and saw the sign, puppies for sale. And he went into the pet shop and talked to the owner. And he said, may I see those puppies? How much are they? So the owner said, well, they're going to cost between $30 and $50. And the little boy dug into his pocket, and he pulled out what he had in his pocket. He said, I have $2.37, but I would really like to have a puppy. Could I see the puppies? So the store owner gave a whistle, and the mama of the puppies, whose name was Lady, came running out from the kennel from behind,

[05:26]

And following the mother dog was five little roly-poly furry puppies going after. Except the last puppy went very, very slow and was way behind the other puppies. And the little boy said to the owner, I would like to see that puppy, the one at the end, who's going slowly. And the store owner said, oh, you don't want that puppy. That's not a good puppy for you. And he said, no, no, I like that one. I like that one that's kind of moving slowly. And the store owner said, well, you know, I'll give you that puppy. And he said, well, that puppy's worth just as much as all the other puppies. I want to buy that one for its full price. And then the store owner said, you know, that puppy had to go to the animal doctor.

[06:27]

And the animal doctor said that that puppy was born without a hip socket where your leg fits in and can move and turn and move and run. And so that puppy will never be able to run and jump and play with you like all the other puppies. So you really want one of those other puppies that can run and play with you. And the little boy looked the store almost straight in the eye, and he said, I want that puppy, the last puppy. And then he rolled up his pants of his left leg, and his leg was kind of all twisted and kind of crippled. Do you know what that word is? It was lame. And he was wearing a big metal brace on his leg. And he said, I know what it's like not to be able to run and play, so I will be able to understand that puppy.

[07:28]

He should come home with me. And the store owner understood that that little boy and that puppy were made for each other. And so he did buy it, and every month he gave the store owner 50 cents from his allowance, for many, many months until he paid full price for that wonderful, special puppy. So that's the story. So sometimes animals or friends or people who have difficulties, or if we have difficulties ourselves, when someone understands and wants to be with us because they understand, It's the happiest, it's where it makes us so happy. Okay? All right, well thank you for listening to the story about the little puppy in the pet store.

[08:29]

And now it's time to head off on this beautiful day to the garden, okay? So up you go and off you go with the folks. And I think when I was maybe two and a half or three, my mother kind of secreted it away to wash it in the washing machine. And, you know, it's like, where's George? Where did George go? And she told me she had to wash George and he was in the washing machine. And I went to the washing machine This is a very, very early memory about impermanence and change and the difficulties we have with impermanence and change.

[09:33]

And we had the kind of front loader washing machine with the, you could see inside. And there was George, like, going around and around. And I was just sobbing and sobbing. George, George. And just, I couldn't believe it that this was happening to him. And when he came out and got dried, he was really never the same. He didn't have that certain, what do we say? Je ne sais quoi. That je ne sais quoi, that wonderful fragrance. It had changed. I still loved him very much, but... He had changed. And that was very, very early memory, maybe two, two and a half of... And I couldn't control it. You know, I couldn't... It was this giant machine.

[10:36]

My mother said it had to... George had to be washed. And there was nothing to be done except grieve and protest and then be sad and... and then live with the consequences, which was George's forever changed nature. It's taking them a while to get their shoes on. So that protesting and sadness and grief and anger, you know, and railing against my mother, how could she do this?

[11:38]

You know, how could she treat George this way? And how could she do that to me? And blaming. And this is, you know, not very unusual, right? This is... I imagine we're all very familiar with that as a reaction to change, to not all changes. You know, there's many changes that are pleasant changes when the cake gets baked or whatever. Those are changes too. Those are, you know... instances of impermanence as things change and become and grow and develop, but often we experience the pain of change and impermanence. So I wanted to share with you, maybe many of you know this already, but some very sad news for people

[12:47]

for countless people, actually, and the sad news is that our beloved Abbot Miogen Steve Stuckey has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. And I don't feel so like it's that necessary to go into lots and lots of... details, but just I wanted everyone to know and to know that the San Francisco Zen Center is, when I say San Francisco Zen Center, I mean all the people, all those who love and care for and have practiced here for the last, you know, 40 plus years. And all the people that Steve has touched in his life, countless, really countless, countless people are strongly affected by this news.

[13:56]

Many of you here, I'm sure, and are grieving and might be having, if this is the first you've heard of it, or if you've been living with this for the last week, we just heard on Monday, there may be some reactivity around this, which is understandable. So I realized, you know, I didn't want to spend this lecture eulogizing Mjogan, Steve Stuckey. There will be time for that. There will be a time for that. And that isn't my place today. However, there's memories, you know, that have popped up of times in the past where he's been there for me as a friend. One particular instance that I hadn't really thought of for a long, long time.

[14:59]

And this is making the past present. There's a poem about pulling the thread of a spool and unspooling a thread, I want to make the past present. All those memories that have been wound up on the spool, you make it present by pulling the thread. This is a poem about the loss of a woman's husband. Anyway, this memory that came up was driving up from Tassajara during an interim, or I think it was an interim, and I was in the front seat. Steve Stuckey was in the back seat. This is okay to tell the story. Someone was driving, and we were all very, very tired. Steve Weintraub was driving, and Steve was in the back with his first wife, and we were all very, very tired.

[16:03]

I think it must have been an interim, winter interim or something, and we were driving up 101, and we all fell asleep, including the driver. And we woke up crashing into the center divide on 101 with glass, like, spraying over us, you know, from the side windows windshield. And we were all very, very shook up about this. The driver in particular, Aunt Steve, said, Steve Stuckey, said, let me drive and drive. We changed drivers and there was something about the, which I hadn't thought about in a long time, but a kind of calm. This is what needs to be done. We're going to be okay. Everybody was okay. We were just so shook up. And now I will drive and drive up to San Francisco.

[17:04]

And a kind of confidence and reassurance and resting and his ability to just take the wheel. So this is just one teeny tiny memory in a life and in a life that's touched me over 40 years of practicing together. But those qualities of I'm going to take the wheel now. you know, not wresting it from anyone, but it looks like this is what's called for, and I'm here with calm and confidence. And he drove very slowly all the way up to San Francisco. Yeah. So the past becomes present present.

[18:05]

So during this week, I think I've been watching very carefully my own, what's coming up for me and how I'm practicing with this news, which is the most ordinary thing of our life, right? Birth and death. Old age sickness and death. These are as common as as the air we breathe. This is the air we breathe together. Old age, sickness, and death. There is nothing out of the ordinary. And yet, and yet, we're so, I'm so, many of us are so strongly, strongly affected. So how do we practice with this kind of with impermanence, loss, grief.

[19:16]

This is not a theoretical question. This is our daily life. And how do we develop the tools, the ability to meet the suchness of our life, which is, can't be pulled apart from impermanence. This is the mark, this is the mark of our life. Often we have a reaction to this kind of news, which often includes blame. You know, I've watched this in myself, you know, thinking about Last year, he had had a pain on his side and went to the, why didn't they do something then? Why did they, excuse me, do the wrong test or whatever, you know?

[20:19]

And watching my mind go into blaming some doctor somewhere who didn't catch something or didn't give the right advice and watching that, that reactivity of somebody's fault, whose fault, anybody's fault. And allowing that to settle and not knowing, you know, not really knowing could anything have been different. What is, is, and it's embedded or not different than the thusness of this moment with all the conditions, all the ungraspable, imperceptible causes and conditions of each moment, and to narrow it down to, well, how come this didn't happen?

[21:28]

If only I had done this. If only someone had said such and such. So this is... This is a recipe for suffering, thinking in this way, trying to find blame, some place to put our, you know, our inability to accept and pain to just make somebody else the problem or the cause. So I'm watching this, how this can come up. Other things that come up are wanting... to control things and all the different ways that we can control. So there's a Zen story that comes up in a fascicle in one of these essays, teaching essays by Zen Master Dogen.

[22:32]

The name of the fascicle is Only a Buddha and a Buddha. And in this fascicle, there's a story that says a monk once asked an old ancient master, when hundreds and thousands and millions of things come all at once, what should be done? Or what should I do? when hundreds and thousands of myriads, millions of things come all at once, what should I do? What should be done? And the Zen master said, don't try to control it. Don't try to control them, the hundreds and thousands and myriads of things.

[23:33]

Don't try to control them. This is the Zen story. Don't try to control them. Now, we might think the opposite. If don't try to control it is not right, then, and controlling it, trying to control would be wrong, then I have no options here. You know? You either try to control something or you don't control them, both of which are not satisfying, are not okay. This is in our perturbation, you know, in our upset, when the hundreds and thousands and millions of things are coming, one after the other, and they never stop. We don't even get a breather, really. And the teaching is don't try to control them. So Dogen then comments on this, this don't try to control them.

[24:38]

And he says, don't think that this is just some brilliant admonition here that's being said, a kind of good rule of thumb or something. What's coming, the hundreds and thousands of myriad things that are coming, are not things... at all. They're not things. It's Buddha Dharma that's coming. This is Buddha Dharma. Buddha Dharma meaning awakened truth. This is the truth of our life. This is the awakened one's teaching is coming right now. That's not this old thing that you know I'll deal with somehow. This is Buddha Dharma. This is the teaching.

[25:40]

This is the teacher. All these things that are coming, these objects, these dharmas, dharmas as a word for codependent arisings, things that have come together and become manifest, that's not some old thing. the way we might think of it. This is Buddha Dharma coming. So, Dogen says, don't think of this saying, don't try to control them when hundreds and millions, thousands and millions of things come all at once. Don't try to control them. Don't try to control them because this is the teaching coming. the ungraspable, ineffable, inconceivable teaching that's coming right now. So when we think, you know, I want to do something with this and push it around, push it, and control, the word control means

[26:57]

to go against, contra the turning of something, contra rotola, against, turning against the wheel, against a wheel, and with dominating, trying to dominate things. And as we know, yes, it is a brilliant admonition also, we know it doesn't work, you know, it doesn't work to try to control things. We can't control people, right? try as we may. They're always coming up with something we never thought of, you know, or acting in a way that is surprising and affects us in ways we had no idea about. We cannot control beings or things or objects. However, So to not control something or to control something, both are not correct, are not upright.

[28:12]

The middle way is responding, responding appropriately to whatever is happening, which is neither trying to control it nor just letting it go the way it's going. Not trying to control things doesn't mean we don't take medicine, go to a doctor, exercise. You know, it doesn't mean we just let things fall into disrepair. That's going too far. It's not saying that. Nor is it saying... We have to have everything under our thumb and under our control, which is impossible, both things. So how do we respond appropriately, skillfully, with eyes wide open and take care of our life?

[29:14]

And included in that is everything that's coming up when the hundreds and thousands of millions of things come, like sadness, like anger, like grief, like disbelief, like numbness, pain. Those are the hundreds and thousands of myriad things. Can we stay with those whatever is arising as Buddha Dharma, as as a teacher that's come to help us wake up to our life. You know, a wonderful chapter in Zen by Beginner's Mind that is quoted a lot.

[30:17]

I think people love this particular chapter. It's called Control. It's the name of the chapter. And Suzuki Roshi says the best way to control people is to encourage them to be mischievous. It has a lot of psychological kind of acumen there, you know, about what human nature, how it works. But encourage people to be mischievous, which I used to pronounce as mischievous. So encouraging them to be mischievous. And then he says, if you want to control, and I think of control with quotes because I think he understands you can't really dominate people and control them in that way. It doesn't work. What he says, if you want to control your sheep or your cow, give them a big pasture.

[31:20]

Now, often people stop right there. Oh, that's great. Just give them a big pasture. Let them roam. Let them do. Let them play. And in a certain way, it's like, then I don't have to do much work. They're fine. They're going to be fine in their big pasture. But he actually says more than that. Give them a big pasture and then watch them. Let them do what they'll do, but watch them very carefully. Watch. And I would say that this watch... also includes listening. This is listening and watching. This is watching what's going on with ourself, not just watching out there what they're doing, but what happens for me when I see this person facing this or doing such and such. If we just leave to the wide pasture, that falls into indifference. or I don't care, let them, they're fine.

[32:27]

And if we rope them, you know, tether them to their post as a way of controlling or some kind of caring, there will be great unhappiness and resentment and fighting to get free. So taking good care of a situation, taking good care of the hundreds and thousands and millions of things that come includes giving space, not trying to control, and watching and listening and being present. And when it's hard to be present, when it's hard to make that visit, into the room to see someone.

[33:28]

I know when my parents were dying, many of their friends from college on who they had traveled with didn't come to the hospital, didn't come. And the reason one person said was they just didn't want to see them. They wanted to remember them. My dad, they wanted to remember my dad the way he was. You know, when he was, you know, full of life and the life of the party, really, she couldn't go and see him in the hospital or see him reduced to what? This moment as Buddhadharma, this teaching thing, one of the hundreds and thousands of things arising right now. So when we're watching and listening, we have to watch and listen within and without.

[34:38]

It's not just directed. What's happening with us? What brings up sadness, resistance, anger, disgust, fear? And can we take good care of ourselves with self-compassion as we face the unfaceable, the loss of our loved ones and our own life energy and abilities? So, to turn mindset, really, to be exposed to this teaching that these hundreds and thousands, millions of things are not things at all. This is Buddha Dharma. Don't try to control it.

[35:39]

This is Buddha Dharma. Then can we study it? If it's Buddha Dharma, then we study. If it's the teaching, the teacher coming, can we be ready to learn what it is we need to learn? And how do we stay? What is it that gives us the staying power, the ability to go in to see someone who's dying or sick or has changed? What kind of power is that, you know? You might say, well, that's not a power. You just got to do what you got to do. But actually, people don't do what you got to do. many people, as I said, avert from this, find something else can't accept and meet.

[36:41]

So in our Zazen practice, in our meditation practice, this practice of right in our sitting, the hundreds and thousands And millions of things arise right then, too. The question, what do I do when they come all at once? This isn't sometime in the future hearing some bad news. This is right now. This is in our sitting when things arise. Thoughts, sensations, sounds arising. And if we try to control them in our sitting by pushing things away, by holding, grabbing, and controlling them by fantasizing or elaborating or working it all out, figuring it out, and trying to grasp things, we will lose ourself.

[37:57]

we will lose this, the nature of dustness, our own Buddha nature that is manifesting right there in the middle, right with, not even in the middle, but not different from the hundreds and thousands and myriad things that are arising. That is the dustness of this moment. That's not some things that are bothering us and ruining our practice. That's That's who we are. So to stay, to be able to stay moment after moment with what's coming up, not abandon ourselves to old ways, pushing away blaming, anger, if only.

[39:01]

And stay with what is, with a mind that says, what is it? Even the most painful, what is this? Watching it. And if we watch and listen, we watch and listen to and see, Buddha Dharma, right there, which we are never apart from, right where we are. It will unfold. It is unfolding right now. And we can align with it. We are aligned with it, whether we know it or not. This is our nature. this nature of thusness, we might think, oh, it has a quality, a particular quality, luminous or peaceful or

[40:39]

some idea that we have, which is apart from our sadness and our pain and our suffering. The teaching, however, is that the peace and the luminous quality is right within pain, joy, loss, grief. It has no particular quality. So the peace is that each thing that we experience and meet and that is arising is the thusness of which we are part. Then there's peace. rather than trying to clear away the suffering or the problems or the unpleasantries in order to get to something, waiting somewhere else.

[41:49]

Eventually, if I just practice hard enough, then. That way of thinking is suffering in itself. So to come back to whatever arises... Is Buddha Dharma, is the teaching and the teacher coming actually out of compassion to help us? And there's peace right within there. There's a story that has strongly, strongly affected me, teaching story of Suzuki Roshi, that has come up in these last years. days and weeks actually. And this is a story of when Suzuki Roshi was dying. And he was on his deathbed and a student of his came to visit. And Suzuki Roshi, in the little vignette that the student told, he had, because of his, it was liver cancer, he was very discolored.

[43:01]

Suzuki Roshi was very dark, a yellow color. So the student came into the sick room and there was Suzuki Roshi not looking like he remembered, you know. And the student was stricken visibly. Suzuki Roshi saw his face and Suzuki Roshi said to him, Don't grieve. I know who I am. Don't grieve. I know who I am. That short teaching phrase, don't grieve, I know who I am. The

[44:05]

of accepting what is in whatever way it arises and unfolds and knowing without a doubt that our life is thus. The thusness of illness, old age, sickness, is the unfolding of our Buddha nature, our awakened nature. So right in the middle of sickness, old age and death, there is our confidence in who we are.

[45:26]

So I invite you to with me in these weeks and months ahead as right now to turn these teachings of whatever arises is Buddha Dharma. With no exception. No exception. Living and living that out together Thank you very much. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[47:00]

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