This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning, everyone. Welcome to Green Gulch. For those of you who are new, a big welcome. It was so delightful to... look out at the assembly, the great assembly, while everyone had their hands in this wonderful prayer position. So that was really lovely. I'd like to start by thanking Abbot Jiryu and Tanto Eli for the invitation to offer this talk. And I'd like to thank all the senior staff, and the Doanrio and all the short and long-term residents for your wholehearted effort in keeping Green Dragon Temple flourishing.

[01:12]

So thank you so much for caring for the Triple Treasure. And I know there'll be a Bodhisattva initiation ceremony this afternoon. for a number of people where they publicly take vows of being bodhisattvas, people who are devoted to being kind and open-hearted and waking up to their true nature and being of service to others. So great congratulations ahead of time to all of you bodhisattvas. So as some of you might know, across the bay in about maybe 10 minutes, eight minutes according to this clock, there'll be the 56th annual Pride Parade, a celebration that embraces diversity and encourages authentic self-expression.

[02:23]

So in honor of Pride, I thought I would just offer some words of belonging and self-expression. Although I identify as a woman, I'd say that my gender expression is decidedly non-conforming. Back when I grew up in the 70s and 80s, there was not this expansive vocabulary to articulate the fluidity of gender. There was one word for girls like me who preferred holding a baseball instead of a doll. wearing pants instead of dresses, and scraping my knees instead of having T's. And that was tomboy. This was decidedly a negative term in my neighborhood when I grew up. This would be in the 1970s. Fortunately, everything changes. So where before there was just a binary of boy and girl to choose from, now there's the LGBTQIA plus lexicon to express gender fluidity.

[03:25]

In learning more about this vocabulary, I came across a new word that more accurately reflects how I feel about my gender identity and expression, demigirl. I just love this word. It's so much more empowering and exciting than the tiresome trope of tomboy. Demigirl is not derived from ostensible masculine qualities, courageous, adventurous, spirited, independent, and athletic. Demi girl just signifies a person who does not fit into the traditional gender box of woman. I can't pinpoint all the causes and conditions that influence my gender identity and expression. I had these two older brothers, so perhaps I preferred activities that were decidedly in the traditional boy realm because I wanted to be just like them. Just like everyone else, I wanted to belong. My first memory of not belonging happened when I was about five years old. It was a summer morning in the Pocono Mountains.

[04:26]

I grew up outside of New York in the Bronx, and many people went to the Pocono Mountains. So we were there. We went almost every summer for a few years. And I was very excited to be out in the country. And I ran outside to be with my older brother, Anthony. And... He and I was probably clad in like a little tank top and some pants. My mom was experimenting back then with making clothes for us. So I knew it was exactly if they matched or not. So I ran out there and my hair was pretty short and curly. And I saw my brother standing in the driveway and his friends. Some of them were a lot older than him, maybe like 11 or 12. And I was looking up at them and they might have been in their swimsuits or such. And then one of them said, are you a boy? And I said, yes. And then my voice started to quaver. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, I mean no. And of course, they laughed, mocking me, mocking my confusion.

[05:30]

And I ran as fast as I could down that gravel driveway into the backyard to seek some refuge among the pine trees. I don't know how long I was there. hiding among the trees. But I do remember standing there, waiting, catching my breath, and waiting for the shame to release its grip on me, hiding from the scorn of the boys. So it's my first memory of experiencing shame, maybe even my first memory of suffering, or dukkha, which is the first noble truth. There is suffering in life. I also want to just mention that there's a possibility of the cessation of suffering, which is why we're all here. And it's also the first characteristic of existence, suffering. In Sanskrit, the word dukkha can also be understood this way.

[06:32]

Du means constricted, and kam, K-H-A-M, means sky of consciousness in Sanskrit. Sky or ether. So when the sky of consciousness is constricted, we experience suffering. Another meaning of this root, calm, K-H-A-M, which is also the root of sukha, or ease, or bliss, it could also mean a sense organ, calm, a sense organ. So dukkha is the sensory experience of dissatisfaction, and sukha is a satisfied sensory experience. So when consciousness is spacious and expansive, we experience joy and wholeness and belonging. This incident with the boys was the first time I remember feeling that there was something wrong with me. This type of shame is what psychologists call state shame, S-T-A-T-E, a momentary experience that occurs in response to an event.

[07:38]

I had no name for the shame. It was just a body-mind experience of being othered and being ridiculed. I never mentioned this experience to my parents, and this is one of the powers of shame. It keeps us locked in a hell realm where we feel powerless, unworthy, and unwelcome. Unlike my brothers and the boys, I was too young to be trapped in the box of the binary gender system. I was still floating in the childlike, non-dual world where trees were my best friends, Bees hummed in my heart. Time was timeless. And, most importantly, unicorns were real. Of course, my brothers and the boys reacted in this way because of their limited views of how girls should look and behave. They were not born with these views, of course. They inherited them from their families and society. Their limited view of girls also reflected...

[08:41]

their limited views of themselves. So they also got trapped by their limited views of girls. And that kept them trapped in this gender box that's built for boys, little boys. We know as practicing Buddhists that everything changes. This impermanence is a second mark or second characteristic of existence. And so the first is that there's suffering or dissatisfaction The second is everything is changing. Change is the only constant. Everything is always in flux. And I made up this new word, or maybe I didn't. I don't know, it's fluxing. Fluxing? Is that a word? Yeah, fluxing, right? Because flux sounds like it's concrete flux. But it's fluxing, right? Which, if I don't say it properly, might be. Not so great. I will try to pronounce it, articulate it.

[09:46]

Fluxing. So although it was an intense experience of a state of shame, it passed through me. However, if we're routinely shamed by our parents or other authority figures whom we love and who have power over us, we internalize the shame and it crystallizes into what psychologists call Trait, T-R-A-I-T, trait shame. This shame cycle places our thoughts, words, and deeds into the box of should or shouldn't. This isn't the kind of shame, sometimes we refer to it as a good kind of shame, that keeps us from stealing or lying. This is a shadowy shame that becomes a part of our personality, the karmic conditioned beings that burrow deep into our body-mind, and obscure our perceptions of ourself, others, and life. I love that the pride movement transformed this word pride, which is often associated with sin and shame, into a celebration of belonging and loving kindness.

[10:56]

Since it's pride month, and the rainbow flag is a symbol of pride, I've been thinking a lot about rainbows. And I remember when I was in sixth grade, My teacher had one of those triangular prisms. And she held it up to the sunlight streaming through the window. And then all of a sudden, poof. It was all these different colors. I don't know why no one did that earlier in my life, but sixth grade seemed to be the curriculum where you show people that sunlight is actually made up of all these different colors. So the red, orange, yellow, green, blue, and violet. And I think there might even be an indigo in there now, right? But when I was a kid, it was Roy G. Biv. That's how I remembered that, Roy G. Biv. So this prismatic moment is akin to how I feel about Buddhist teaching. Before I began practicing Zen, I perceived my adult self as a solid, independent me that was separate from nature and from everyone else.

[12:01]

I didn't know that my perception and experience of myself as a concrete and discreet entity was a false view. However, the more I meditated and studied the Buddha's teachings, my perception and experience of myself became more femoral and more color-filled, just like a rainbow. This embodied sense of the fluid and impersonal nature of sensory experience is the third characteristic of existence, this not-self characteristic. This is one of the most transformative teachings, in my opinion, of the Buddha, and also one of the most difficult to understand and to experience. One framework the Buddha offered to refract our experiences through is the prism of the five aggregates, or heaps, forms, sensations, perceptions, mental formations, and consciousness. the more we practice meditation and study the Buddha's teaching, the more we begin to experience the insubstantiality, impermanence, and impersonal nature of these arising mental and physical phenomena.

[13:15]

And I just want to pause for a second and say, since there's five of these aggregates, when they're constricted, kind of can make a fist, right? The sense of contraction, pain contraction in the bodies, right? So when we're meditating, what we're doing is we're becoming more intimate to when it feels like we're grasping onto and making a me out of what's arising in the sense doors. So this constriction is a lot of energy it takes for us to maintain this pain constriction. And there's also fear sometimes to letting go of that, to investigating it, to stepping really close to what's going on in the body, mind, heart, mind, And this is why Zazen can be really powerful and transformative, is that we're stilling the body to become intimate with what's going on internally. And of course, our internal psycho-emotional landscape is affected by what we call external circumstances.

[14:20]

But here is where our liberation is, here, right here. This is all we can study, really, is what's going on here. So one definition I find helpful when contemplating this not-self-characteristic is from the Buddhist scholar Karl Brunholtz. He has this really wonderful book called, and I love the title, The Heart Attack Sutra. And we chant the Heart Sutra most every day at the three temples of San Francisco Zen Center. And here's what he says. I'll put my glasses on for the italicized words. Not only is our perceiving mind dynamic, fluxing, in that it changes from moment to moment, but everything we perceive with our senses, which is everything, is dynamic too. Phenomena, right, what's arising in our sense doors, the sights and sounds and tastes and touches and thoughts,

[15:27]

Phenomena cannot be defined by themselves. Rather, we can only talk about phenomena as complexes of mutual relationships with other phenomena, which in themselves are complexes of mutual relationships with other complexes of mutual relationships. So that's a mouthful. But essentially, this is the not-self characteristic in that the mind that's experiencing, the mind that's taking all of you in, the mind that's hearing the birds, my ears are hearing the birds, I'm speaking, this mind is continually changing all the time. And there's that old Greek phrase, you can't step into the same river twice. And the Buddhist twist is the same person can't step into the same river twice. We're always changing. So how we're perceiving is changing.

[16:30]

This mind, right, is changing. That's perceiving. And all the sensory objects are changing as well. So everything is dynamic. Everything is fluxing. So rainbows, like everything else we perceive and experience, are complexes of mutual relationships with other phenomena. This definition of the not-self-characteristic isn't nearly as poetic and simple as Suzuki Roshi's, because we are changing moment by moment, I don't exist. Because we are changing moment by moment, I don't exist. Another one of his really poetic phrases is, how we perceive our sense of self is like a swinging door in the sky. And maybe a transparent door as well, not a heavy one. an ephemeral one, to swinging door in the sky of consciousness. And you know what? Rainbows don't exist either.

[17:32]

They are optical illusions that do not exist in a specific spot in the sky. When we look at them from the ground, they look like arches or bows. When you're in an airplane, they appear as circles. Get this, they're composed of millions of raindrops that each contribute, this is my favorite phrase here, rainbow speckles. Not to be confused with rainbow sprinkles, which we put on ice cream. So rainbows are composed of millions of these rainbow speckles that refract and reflect sunlight in front of a viewer at an angle of 42 degrees. I have no idea how people figure that out, but I'm super impressed. I am just content with staring at and seeing rainbows. without any math associations. These rainbow speckles, the rainbow speckles of our psycho-emotional personalities change every moment because mind consciousness, right, changes every moment.

[18:40]

This means that our perceptions are changing each moment, even if we are not attuned to this. Just like seeing sunlight transform into a rainbow, shifting my perception of sunlight, My brother and his friend's reactions to my confusion about gender also shifted how I perceived myself. Instead of a rainbow of colors, we were reduced to the black and white binary of boys and girls. So this rainbow flag was first used on June 25th in 1978 for the San Francisco Gay Freedom Day Parade. The first pride marches around the country were held in 1970 to commemorate the Stonewall uprisings that happened in Greenwich Village in New York City from June 28th to July 3rd, 1969. So I was about a year and a half at that time. Stonewall Inn was a gay bar that was routinely raided by the police. So these uprisings are considered the catalyst for the gay rights movement.

[19:43]

Although Stonewall is considered the event that launched the Pride movement, there were many causes and conditions that led to these riots. In fact, one of those causes was just 500 feet away from the Stonewall Inn. The Woman's House of Detention, which opened in 1932. The Woman's House of Detention. I never heard of this Woman's House of Detention until I started preparing this talk. Tens of thousands of women and trans-masculine people were incarcerated there, mostly... for being gender non-conforming. By the 1960s, around 75% of the people in prison there were queer in some way. According to Hugh Ryan, he wrote this book called The Woman's House of Detention, A Queer History of a Forgotten Prison. Women and transmasculine people were arrested for being wayward and dressing incorrectly for their gender.

[20:46]

This law, which still exists, FYI, was created in the mid 1800s to criminalize people who dressed in costume to protest tax collectors. That's a real interesting fact, isn't it? I wish we had some photos or renderings of what costumes people were dressing in to harass and protest tax collection. It states that This law states that it's illegal to dress in costume while committing a crime. Right? We'd just be arrested right away. What kind of costume do you have on? However, back then, and maybe even still today, it was used to target the LGBTQIA plus community, because if you've ever been to a gay pride parade, Nobody really seems to be dressing correctly for their gender or biological sex, which is so wonderful about it.

[21:50]

Some people aren't even dressed at all. Let's just say that there. I tried to warn someone was saying that I thought their parents were going to that. I was like, do they know there's going to be a lot? There might be some nudity. In fact, the law was also used to arrest protesters during Occupy Wall Street. for wearing masks or costumes. In the 1960s, the woman's house of detention began marking gay prisoners with D for degenerate. Kind of like that Scarlet A, huh? And placing them in solitary confinement because they were a danger to other women. So Hugh Ryan, the author, says, on the first night of the Stonewall riots, people incarcerated in the prison could actually see what was happening out their windows. They could see these riots. And they started a riot all of their own, setting fire to their belongings and throwing them down to the streets below while chanting, gay rights, gay rights.

[22:58]

So the woman's house of detention, I just can't believe this, was eventually shut down in 1972. Forty years, 40 years it was open. And oddly enough, in that same year, the first issue of Ms. Magazine was published. And according to an article in the New York Times, this is how they described it, a publication for women whose interests went beyond the limits of home and husband. I love that. And let me say, I know, right? God forbid your interests should go beyond home and husband. But I live in San Francisco at an old apartment building that San Center owns. And in this small room, which I guess must have been the kitchen, I mean, I'm sorry, the dining area, it's really small. And there's this door. You open this little door, and there's an electrical outlet at this height of the door on the wall.

[24:06]

And you open it, and guess what falls out? An ironing board, right? So the only electrical outlet in this little office, this little room, is at the height so that your iron could be plugged in. I'm like, wow, this really is... You can remove the ironing board. Some people have done some interesting things with this little ironing board closet, but I'm just leaving it there to remind me of this, right? The ironing board, there, there you go. So the co-founders of the magazine decided to use the title Ms. because it described a woman without reference to her marital status. Not surprisingly, it was banned from some libraries and newsstands. And I wish I could say that wasn't happening anymore, but clearly we've gone sort of full circle where this is happening again, right? The administration blatantly attacking, undermining.

[25:10]

marginalized communities, which of course weren't born marginalized, but were marginalized by people in power. So I was only five years old when this inaugural issue of Ms. was published. I grew up with the word Ms. as part of my vocabulary and understood its meaning. The use of the word Ms. in lieu of the confining Mrs. emerged from the expansive sky consciousness of feminism. This was the beginningless beginning of breaking free from the box of gender roles. Nowadays, there are many words to describe the rainbow of gender identities and expressions. This new vocabulary helps me shift my perceptions, not only of myself, but of other people. Although the words we use to label this and that are empty of any meaning other than the subjective ones that we infuse them with, most of us have experienced the harm that words can cause. So this ever-expanding vocabulary helps all of us view the world with this beginner's mind, where there are many possibilities, as Suzuki Roshi said.

[26:19]

In one of Eihei Dogen's fascicles, and for those of you who don't know, Eihei Dogen was a 13th century founder of Soto Zen in Japan. In one of his fascicles titled, Receiving the Marrow by Bowing, Dogen chastises male monks who discriminate against female teachers. He says, why are men special? Emptiness is emptiness. This dependent co-arising, these three marks of existence is not self-characteristic. Four great elements are four great elements. Five aggregates are five aggregates. Women are just like that. Empty, five aggregates. Both men and women attain the way. You should honor the attainment of the way. Do not discriminate between men and women. This is the most wondrous principle of the Buddha way. This is Dogen's beginner mind in action, going against the fixed views of women and men and reminding his disciples that the enlightened mind has no characteristics.

[27:32]

So Zazen, or Sivi meditation, helps to cultivate this beginner's mind. Because, as I said earlier, we're becoming more and more intimate with this ever-changing state of our internal world. The more spaciousness we experience with what's arising internally, whether it's pleasant or unpleasant, the more spaciousness we have for allowing others to have their own experience and authentically express themselves. I'll tag on without trying to control them. Usually we try to control people because we want to feel a certain way. We don't want to be activated by their personalities, their behavior. So often we try to control people to feel, to soothe ourselves in some way. That's one way I view control. Of course, we're also trying to control ourselves, which is no bueno.

[28:33]

A beginner's mind is also necessary. to investigate our projections and assumptions about other people, especially those whom we disagree with or harbor ill will toward. No matter someone's political beliefs, religious traditions, or cultural heritage, we all experience suffering, right? The first noble truth. There is suffering. And there is causes and conditions that give a rise to suffering. The second noble truth. We are all trying to find happiness and contentment. We are all trying to care for our family and friends. If our practice doesn't extend the rainbow as a bridge to all sentient beings, then we are stuck in the binary box of us versus them. There are many myths about rainbows in different cultures. Some view them as serpent dragons that are evil and dangerous to humans. Some view them as a belt a belt of heaven or God.

[29:35]

One particularly pertinent and fascinating myth is that rainbows are androgynous, that they represent and possess female and male qualities. The other myth that I came across, there's a whole article about this in JSTOR. Somebody wrote, I think, like a dissertation on folklore around rainbows. Yeah, so the other myth that I came across that's common to countries... as diverse as Bulgaria, Serbia, Australia, Greece, and sub-Saharan Africa, is that if a person jumps over a rainbow or walks under one, they will transform from a boy to a girl or a girl to a boy. I think that's just an extraordinary myth. And maybe it's not a myth. It's also really impossible to walk under a rainbow. or to jump over one. So, you know, I guess it's okay to have that kind of, you know, myth. So these myths remind me that when we solidify our perceptions of others, right, we like to use this word, sometimes we have this word reify.

[30:44]

And no one ever explained it when I first started practicing, reify. And I didn't think to look it up for some reason. But it means like to make solid, to make something real or substantial. I like to use this word concretize. Like, how do I concretize myself? And when I'm concretizing myself, that concretizes everybody else. They have to be a certain way. So the more that we can be with this ever-changing body-mind, then we have the spaciousness to be with other people who are changing as well. Not separate from us. Not separate. It's important to remember that. Zen is a practice of moving beyond the binary and manifesting the mystery of making the invisible visible in the sunlight of celebration. As Reverend Zenju Earthland Manuel says, Zen is for those who thrive on the intangible, the ambiguous, the amorphous, and the infinite.

[31:57]

We are stars forever suspended in nowhere. You can't really see them. You can only experience it after some time of walking the path. So I hope that as we continue to walk on this path, we walk side by side under many, many rainbows, forever suspended nowhere in the vast sky of consciousness. Thank you very much for your kind attention. Now I believe that we have question and response. And the ENO has this wonderful handheld microphone. Hello, people on Zoom. Sorry, I didn't say hello earlier. So that the people on Zoom can also hear the question.

[32:59]

Hi. Hi. I started protesting with a upside-down pot and my hairbrush when I was in sixth grade because I had a twin brother. And to me, everything he did was fun. And everything I had to do, clean the house, do the dishes. I just said, that's not right. And so I protested. And after some time, my mom and dad started letting me do what I wanted to do, which I was very grateful for. Were you banging on the pot? That would have made you change your mind probably more quickly. And I had a little chant that I made up. I don't remember it now, but I got my way. Yes, tormenting parents is always a good technique. The problem was school. I wanted to play basketball. They didn't offer it to girls. But I did everything else that they allowed girls to play, which was nice. Tennis, modern dance.

[34:02]

gymnastics, track, swimming. So I got to do some things, but I wanted to play basketball. Understood. Still time, huh? Well, yeah, sure. Anyway, so, I mean, I had crushes on boys, but I just felt boys really had it. They had freedom to do whatever they wanted. That's what I felt, too. Yeah. So I was a tomboy. My mom was... Demi-girl. Demigirl. D-E-M, like demigod. Demigirl. [...] So my mom whispered in my ear, you're smarter than the average girl. Tomboys are smarter than the average girl. So I always never felt bad about it. Anyway, there you go. Thank you. Thank you for sharing your story. I see there's a question over there and then one in the back.

[35:02]

Thank you for the talk. Could you talk more about the five aggregates? Like the metaphor, it really resonated. There's, excuse me, this aspect of human mind consciousness that you can experiment with this on your own. And if you're meditating, or even if you're not meditating, if you just have a quiet moment, what arises in all of our senses, right? So our ears hear sounds, our nose smells, our eyes see forms, you're all forms, form, form, right? We can taste things in our skin, the largest organ, sense organ. So whatever arises in these sense consciousnesses is processed by the mind. And the mind is also a sense organ, which I also find to be very transformative teaching.

[36:16]

So the mind is this sixth sense organ. So whatever is arising in these other sense doors is processed by the mind. So sometimes what happens, I would say sometimes, like almost all the time what happens, is the mind makes associations with what's arising. So some of those associations, you could say, are memories. Sometimes if you smell something or you hear something, a memory shows up from the past. Or sometimes a projection into the future shows up because you hear something or smell something or read something, and then your mind is running. It thinks it's going somewhere, but you're really still right here in the present moment. So what can happen, which does happen, is there's a way that Consciousness makes a me out of what's arising in these sense doors. And it strings together a narrative.

[37:16]

So there's the mind associates. That's what it does. The mind's sense objects are thoughts and images. And it makes stories. I am Heather. I am a tomboy. I used to be heterosexual. And then somehow I'm married to a woman. Right? There's a story. There's validity to those stories. And if we're not suffering because of those stories, that's okay. But a lot of those old narratives about who we are, what we should be, cause us suffering. So there's what I call this selfing, again, you know, a verb, this dynamicism of self, selfing suffering. There's a selfing suffering cycle. So often... We believe those stories, those narratives, they become really, we constrict around it instead of having this flowing experience of what's arising with these thoughts. We make them into a me. This is who I am, right?

[38:19]

I'm supposed to be a girl who's not better at playing baseball than everybody else. All the guys who get to play baseball, right? Which I wasn't better than everyone, but I was pretty good. So yeah, we have stories. Creates a sense of me, a continuous... A sense of a continuous me that's independent from everyone else and independent, separate from what's arising in our perceptual process. I don't know if that's helpful. Yeah. Okay. Thank you for your question. Rick, on the other side of the altar there. Hi, Heather. Hi. It's so refreshing to see another rainbow being up there. Thank you so much for being here and being brave enough and practice enough to be sharing your story.

[39:29]

Thank you. As you were... sharing your first experience of shame, I recalled this experience that I had in first grade. I'm the youngest quote unquote girl of a family of five boys. And in first grade, I would steal my brother's clothes all the way down to their underwear and stuff it in my backpack. and go to school, and right when I got dropped off, I would change in the bathroom. And there was this one other girl-boy-looking kid who asked me if I was a boy or a girl, and I was like, I'm a boy. And I was lying and living this double life as a five-year-old, as a little boy. And then my teacher told my mom, and I got in big trouble, and I got grounded, and she started checking my backpack before going to school.

[40:33]

And what really hurt the most was when my brothers found out and they laughed at me. And so now I am just a little adult boy-girl thing and I'm still reconciling with this gender situation that I've been subjected to. And so I identify as non-binary or androgynous or something, and nothing quite fits, nothing quite feels right. And the question I have for you is how do you reconcile, if you do, something like picking, you know, a new pronoun, like they, them pronouns, within Zen practice, is it... I wondered if it's like I'm taking on something new to believe, or like some new identity, or some new... box...

[41:52]

And then there's also the belief that I'm unlocking myself from this other box that I've been trapped in. So I wonder if you can speak to that. Thank you for your honesty. And I'm always impressed with little kids' ingenuity and resilience. Getting around... and getting around some of the adult ways that they're trying to keep you in a box. So all the boxes are bogus, right? Insubstantial. And I want to say something about words, using words. So these concepts that the mind comes up with, they don't have any meaning, right? As I said in the talk. but also they don't experience each other. It's just a, it's not like he, him, she, her, they, them pronouns.

[43:00]

Like, no, no, no, I can't stand she, her pronouns. I can't stand they, them pronouns. They're just words. It makes it easier. You know, language helps us to communicate with each other. We're not, we can't just say, hi, Abed Jiryu, you mutual complex of mutual phenomena interacting with this, right? They're just handles, right? It's just a handle that makes it helpful. But at the same time, we start to believe those concepts, that they're real, right? And we forget that those concepts are not real. They're not who we are. It's just a label, right? So the whole universe is right here, right? A whole universe right here, a whole universe everywhere, right? And sentient and non-sentient beings. So you can, you know, just investigate for yourself. If they, them pronouns feel closer to your heart, more in alignment with who you are, then use those. And if they don't, they don't.

[44:01]

Just try not to overanalyze whether or not you're putting yourself in the box or not in the box. Just really get close to your heart. I think belonging starts here with this integration, right? With the integration that meditation does help with, somatic therapy helps with, being in nature. is extraordinary, right? The belonging that we feel, some of us feel in nature. I never really, I mean, when I was a kid, I was always climbing trees and felt very supported by this Japanese magnolia in my front yard. I loved hanging out there on its gigantic limbs. So don't overthink, right? It's like, watch how we put ourselves, watch how we believe the boxes when there aren't any boxes. And yes, we can still be hurt by people's words. And when we're activated, when we feel hurt, that's also a place for us to look, to see what's being illuminated.

[45:01]

Where are some pain contractions? Because we're responsible for our liberation. Until we take that responsibility, we won't be free. And this freedom is a moment, moment, daily, sometimes not daily. It's not like you're free and then you're forever free. So we investigate when we feel hurt by someone's words or deeds, whether or not they apologize. We try to resolve that here, looking to see what's going on for us. And all that investigation, which really, if we can drop below the conceptual mind, below the labels, and try to experience what's going on in our bodies... That can be helpful, can be really transformative to be with this emotion commotion in the body and dropping out of those concepts. So I don't know if that's helpful or not. Very helpful. Thank you so much.

[46:02]

Thank you. Hello. Hello. This is my first time here, so thanks for having me. Yes, welcome. I have two sons, four and two, so little ones. My four-year-old occasionally will say, I am a girl. And at school, he has said to his friends, I'm a princess. And one little girl said, you can't be a princess. You can only be a king. And so, it's four-year-olds, right? Yeah. It's Walt Disney is what it is, but go ahead. I just don't know how to support him in any way because he is four. I just don't know how to support him. So my question to you is how would you have wanted your parents to support you at that age? Thank you.

[47:05]

Well, just the fact that you're even asking the question how you can support your four-year-old is wonderful. Fortunately, my parents were really supportive. My father, who was born in 1925, so he was remarkably progressive for that era of Italian-American men. And so he taught me how to play baseball. We spent hours playing baseball. He took me to all my games. He was very supportive of my athletic aspirations. And... My mom, yeah, my mom also seemed very supportive with the dress thing. I think what, you know, because she really didn't like this word, tomboy, because she would say to people, well, why are you calling her tomboy just because she wants to climb trees or dig in the dirt? Like, so she was already pushing up against that. So for the two of them, it didn't seem like a big deal if I wanted to play sports or climb a tree or...

[48:11]

So that was really fortunate for me. But that wasn't maybe the way other people in the neighborhood perceived me. I don't know. So I'm not a parent, so I will super tiptoe gently into the waters of offering advice as a non-parent to a parent. In some ways, perhaps... I think it's really helpful for parents to drop expectations of their children. You can't control what the teachers are doing or what other little four-year-olds say to them. But perhaps just affirming, well, you feel like a princess. How do you feel like a princess? What does it mean for you to feel like a princess? What does that feel like? Just... I think, and again, I don't know because I'm not a parent, but I do think that sometimes maybe we're afraid to affirm something out of the norm like that because then it might mean that the child will grow up to be queer or gay, which who cares anyway, right?

[49:24]

But just saying is maybe not prohibiting that. Just saying, oh, you feel like a princess. What does that feel like? And also, how do you feel when other people, when little kids, when your friends say that you can't be a princess? Just have them start. Children are very attuned. Have him look at what does he feel like? What does it feel like? Maybe he can draw it. Maybe he can express himself in some way. And does it mean that he's queer or whatever, or he's a girl? Who knows? I don't know. I mean, he's very young. I don't know if that's helpful. It just feels like I don't really have a concrete response other than just keep loving him, supporting him, dropping your expectations of who you think he should be. Just prevent him from burning his hand, scraping. I think a good scraping of the knee is okay. A little outdoor adventure is helpful. So I just would see what that feels like because my mom...

[50:26]

I never really wanted dolls because my brothers didn't have dolls. And I only wanted T-shirts that had pockets, like my brothers, you know. And maybe as a child, I already knew that the power in my family lied, laid, was with the men and in my whole neighborhood, which is very Roman Catholic, patriarchal. And I remember she did her best to sort of fight with the way people were trying to box me in. And one time when she did put me in a dress for Thanksgiving, you know, I was maybe like three or four, and I had those ruffle underwears on, right? I don't know if guys know about the ruffle underwear, but for girls back then, and maybe even still, there's like these ruffles on the back of your tights, right? And then go, anyway, it's a little TMI here. I don't have them on now, just saying. I've outgrown the ruffles.

[51:30]

But my mother, she put me in this dress for Thanksgiving. We went over to my father's sister's. They just lived down the street. And I didn't want to be in the ruffle underwear dress thing, so I sat under the table the whole time for Thanksgiving dinner, and my father's sister's were like... Why don't you... Heather should be... She should get out from under the table. And my mom's like, I just kept feeding you under the table. She's like, what is the big deal? She's just a kid. Can't she just eat under the table? Like, there was... Did that mean... What did that mean anyway? Like, everyone was freaked out. And my mom was like, whatever. She could just eat under the table. So for me, I feel really fortunate that my mom took a lot of, you know... She was protecting me that way and was trying to figure out why is everyone freaking out? It's a kid, right? So looking at our own sense of what we think are the norms, right? That's how people become marginalized. There really aren't any marginalized beings, right?

[52:32]

And the marginalized beings start here, right? People who marginalize others, there's parts of themselves that they're marginalizing, right? And maybe you talk to your son's teachers. know and ask and see really see if he's being bullied or he's being if something going on for him at school because I think it's obviously you know that's really important so yeah it's like if my mom freaked out like and also your reaction to him is really important if my mom's like Heather get out from underneath the table you're such a little I didn't experience that at all she just really learned that I didn't want to be in her dress And unfortunately for her, I was her first daughter, and she really wanted a girl, so I was like this, you know, she really did her best to try to put me in a dress. But I went to Catholic schools. I was in a skirt all the time, of course. So anyway, I would just say, maybe relax a little bit. Yeah.

[53:34]

About... Thank you. How he feels about himself. Just let him feel. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Mom. I think we have... Time for one more question. Aloha. I'm visiting from Hawaii. My 25-year-old daughter just... Could you stand up so I can see? Oh, sure. Is that okay? Hi. My 25-year-old daughter, my older daughter, just moved Friday to New York City, and I spent the last at least three weeks or more helping her... put together her pride outfit. She wanted to be there for the pride parade, but she's never, she's never been come out to me. You know, it's just, I always knew she was a rainbow. I really love that reference. And obviously I'm letting it all my grief, you know, my hopes and dreams for her out right now.

[54:42]

But I was thinking that my meditation teacher is always talking about, well, that's your conditioning. And I sort of feel shame. I feel ashamed that I'm letting this conditioning get to me. But I thought, well, I can just think of myself as a rainbow. There's just all those little parts. And that just kind of makes me... feel better rather than black and white and I should be white but I'm black and if I just think of myself as a rainbow and just all those little parts of my conditioning and my new and old self together I thought that might help me so thank you for that reference I you know again live in Hawaii up in the mountains I see a rainbow outside my window every other day so I would appreciate that Thank you. And I want to say something about shame for a second.

[55:49]

I'll only take a second to talk about shame. So let me... Is that... Do you just pay attention to where you feel that shame? And usually shame just keeps us from actually feeling deeper emotions, something under that. And it's really difficult often to express ourselves because the shame wants to keep us trapped, right? And I offered this talk the other day here and I use this. I'm not a 12-stepper, but I'm 12-step adjacent. And that's a word I love that the younger people use, right? Adjacent. So 12-step adjacent. I've heard this phrase, don't should on me and I won't should on you. And I just love that. I just noticing when we're shooting on ourselves, right? Just noticing that and can we Can we just notice that when it arises, those thoughts that we should feel a certain way or we shouldn't feel this way or beating yourself up because there's this conditioning which you're not really in control of how you were conditioned when you were younger.

[56:55]

Just notice that. Just hold that loosely. Like those rainbow speckles. It's loose. And see what emotion commotion is under all that. That's where the transformation is, below the neck. Dropping those ideas and just being with what's going on in the moment. And that helps us with all the other successive moments. Being as present as we can in this moment, as true to ourselves in this moment, affects the next moment of consciousness. So rainbow consciousness this moment, rainbow consciousness the next moment. Thank you. Mahalo. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[58:01]

May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[58:03]

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