So, I would like to try to incorporate this question to frame Today's Dharma book. I am originally from Japan, and my immediate families are all still in Japan. The coronavirus outbreak happened much earlier in Japan, and I let the news add to that. All Japanese schools are closed at least for a month at the end of February.

[01:05]

At that point, I called my mother to ask how she was doing, even though I do not talk to her so often. What I did not know was that this phone call became a very, very Important phone call to me and to her. She told me that the coronavirus situation was basically contained in Japan at that time. Not right now, though. And she was not worried about it. However, she had been visiting several doctors since she saw some blood. in her flam in January and was diagnosed as pulmonary emphysema and may need an immediate operation.

[02:09]

She said there was no pain, but blood was consistent, and several different tests had been done, including if she has enough strength to complete this operation. She told me that all test results will be presented by a doctor on March 13th, and my brother and she will have a conversation with the doctor about the plan for her treatment. This conversation made me very uneasy because I know many Japanese doctors still do not tell their patients when they have cancer.

[03:16]

And my grandmother, who was my mother's mother, died from lung cancer, and her first symptom was blood in her friend. I told my teacher about this and confessed my absent mind and distracted mind during that time. On March 13th, I called my mother. My brother answered the phone and told me that she has stage 2 lung cancer. and she does not have enough strength to complete the operation or full recovery from the operation, since the half of one side of her lung has to be removed. At most, she can eat for another five years, but it is not likely.

[04:20]

The doctor could see the progression of the cancer cells. even within a two-month period. My brother told me to talk to her, so I did, although I did not know what to say. My mother's voice was as usual, and I did not sense any fear, anger, confusion, or sadness from our conversation. She just told me that she's not interested in doing any chemotherapy or x-ray treatment since her quality of life will be declined. I told her she may have lots of pain later, but she said she cannot anticipate the pain which she does not have right now.

[05:27]

She rather normally lives her life until death comes. She also told me she was the same person when I saw her last year in October. At that time, she already had cancer, but we just did not know. 110,871 people have died from COVID-19 around the world. 19,468 people died in Italy. In Spain, 16,972 deaths are reported. And 20,000... 649 have died in the United States so far.

[06:34]

The world economy is crumbling. News report that this is worse than the 2008 housing market crisis in the U.S. According to the New York Times, 16 million people are unemployed in this country right now. I hear that San Francisco Zen Center has also lost some money and I was told that the food budget is significantly reduced and we are no longer able to purchase cheese, chocolates, nuts, non-daily milks or sweeteners for a while. I remember I was not able to purchased red lentils for a while about six weeks ago. Soon after that, the shelter at home was required in Marin County and then in California states.

[07:46]

Since then, every week, I cannot get hold of some of our staple food, such as rice, onion, potatoes, or bananas. At the same time, a part of myself was not able to grasp this COVID-19 situation despite the world crisis. The diagnosis of my mother's cancer was more real than coronavirus killing the world population at that time. Although she is considered as a high-risk population, being over 80 years old and having the lung problem. In my daily life, working in a kitchen, some of my mother's old memories related to food arose sometime.

[09:02]

I always had some distance from my family, including my mother. Although I appreciated her very much, and I always knew she cared about me. She used to complain, I don't talk about myself. When I was a child, she also struggled raising me because I had an eating disorder and I was throwing up food, which my mother made all the time. My mother had been cooking for me and my family until I left home at age 19. I remember the sounds of my mother's indoor sleeper footsteps from the downstairs kitchen when I woke up in my bed.

[10:07]

I did not think that sound was a symbol of happiness or love, but surely gave me the sense of stability and comfort in my life. From washing hands all the time in the kitchen. My hands are so dry and have many tiny cracks. They hurt when I use salt. My hands have never looked pretty, and they always look like working people's hands. I never really liked them. But these little hands really look like my mother's ones, including these proportionally tiny pinkies, which are not able to distinguish the first joint from outside because the first and second joints are so close to each other.

[11:25]

My mother's hands are always very rough from the housekeeping work. My family took vacations twice in a year, once in the summer and once in the winter. Both of them were two nights and three days of short vacations, and nothing was special. We went to the same places. My mother was excited the most among us about this routine vacation just because she did not need to cook or even did not worry about what to prepare for the family. She used to say that she is like in heaven. when someone prepares food for her, and clean dishes and clean rooms for her, and that her hands looked much better after the vacation because she did not do dishes for three days.

[12:47]

Now she lives by herself at home with her white pomeranian dog. When I called her three weeks ago, she said she's fine and still has no pain. She still prepares three meals for herself and for her dog, and asked me, are you eating? I had to go prepare the community breakfast that morning after the conversation. I had a hard time holding my tears in the kitchen. When I see the statistic number of deaths of COVID-19 online, it is hard for me to relate to this tragic pandemic situation around the world.

[14:15]

But when I think about each person who died from this infection was someone's mother, father, child, sister, brother, husband, wife, grandparents or their best friend. I feel the depth of despair beyond the overwhelming death numbers. Someone lost his, her, their partner who stayed with them for over 40 years. Someone lost her child who has been taken care of since she, he, they were born. Non-replaceable person. Non-replaceable relationship. Losing the person means losing the orientation of how to relate to the world, as we used to know.

[15:25]

Even the teaching of impermanence seems to have some distance to offer comfort, although it must be right. What can we do? Do we just quietly sit and feel our pain, sadness, lack of motivation, and lack of our loved ones? whichever arises in a moment. When I think about my practice, I often think about my daily frustrations, small ones, several changes in our schedule and crew members.

[16:30]

The budget cut for food. Some produce orders did not come. I cannot find produce which I need for menu. The pressure of producing three meals every day, no matter what. Substantial amount of cookies. we made disappeared. People ask me to take foods from the walk-in refrigerator, which are not really available for individuals or households. I have to watch a computer, computer screens to have meetings, or to do a talk. I cannot go out to get my own toothpaste. I cannot serve my own food.

[17:34]

When I listen out loud, they seem insignificant. But they do get me sometimes, even though I am still healthy and able to work every day. In between these events and stories, I think about my mother and think about maybe I should go home to see her. Although it may not be possible in this current situation, or it is definitely not a wise idea to travel overseas to see an elder, who has lung issues. I try not to deny any stories that arise in my mind.

[18:46]

Sometimes I feel my tension, anger, and or anxiety in my body, a stomach ache. no appetite or insomnia. They have been my best friends since I was a child. When I was not able to recognize my tension as tension and anger as anger, my energy towards other people tends to rush out, not necessarily as the form of anger or irritation, but rather being loud, or moving constantly and quickly, or not being able to focus well.

[19:50]

When I can touch myself being restless or unable to focus to others, I try to apologize for my lack of calmness or focus, and try to explain that it is nothing to do with the person, but rather my inability to meet my own difficult emotions. Sometimes, I am so absorbed by producing three meals daily, and I forget what is my practice, or I wonder, what am I doing here? When I confessed that to my teacher, he reminded me of six parameters.

[20:55]

Generosity, morality, patience, energy, concentration or meditation, and wisdom. I think since I was a kid, energy has been my strength. That's my story. To some extent, I am still able to work long hours for a long period of time with somewhat consistent concentration. However, I have also a tendency to use these strengths for not paying attention to my shortcomings, such as generosity. As many of you know, I get so pissed off when

[21:58]

Reserved food disappears from the kitchen and or walk in the refrigerator. The funny thing is that many of these reserved items, such as daily produce, nuts, dry foods, cookies, I don't eat or I don't care. I am a vegan and nuts and dry foods are not my daily diet. However, when these items disappear, my skewed sense of morality and fairness are activated and creates many negative stories about people. Why can't I just settle with the stories like the person who took the food simply did not know That was deserved.

[22:59]

Or, she, he, they were so desperate and had to take them even though they felt bad about it. Instead of the stories like, these people don't care the community and just thinking about themselves, or they are assigning their senior power. I easily forget that these stories are reflecting my mind, not theirs. I also recognize the power of actual interaction with people instead of just thinking about it. It sometimes opens up to a direction which will never or very difficult to come up with by myself.

[24:07]

Once, one person came to me and confessed that he, she, they took some food from the reserved shelf and felt bad about it and wanted to apologize for this action. I really appreciated this person's honesty because I actually forgot about this reserved food and did not know what to do with it. So after this conversation, I decided to offer it to the community sometime so that people who want this food can have it or store it without feeling bad about it. For me, one of the great things about our practice of studying self is that I recognize I am not that great or I am not that good person.

[25:24]

I know I have all thoughts of ill feelings, anger, self-denial, or self-centeredness. It can be very depressing, but it also can be very humbling. Even sometimes, or often, being disappointed by myself, I recognize that a part of me wants to accept who am I, who I am, this very imperfect being. It may sound nothing special for you, but this was an amazing realization for me, especially for the person

[26:34]

who had child food, screaming to her parents, Why did you bring me in this world? I wish I had never been born. These are tough words for parents to hear from their own child. Happiness and joy were not the words describing my childhood and all young adulthood. For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me and that life was happy and filled with joy if I was on a light track. Now, I still do not describe my life as happy or joyful, but I feel okay about it.

[27:41]

Instead, I have found many small yet deeper appreciations to life itself. Now I can say that I am very grateful to my parents who gave me this life and opportunity to experience it. My mother is a very and painfully ordinary person, yet I really admire her ability to face whatever comes in front of her life, just as it is, without making up some dramas or trying to be something or somebody else.

[28:52]

Even I have never heard her asking for any recognition. I want to live like that. I want to live quietly, with the least harm to other living and nonliving beings, without wishing to be somebody else, with the best effort to accept this very imperfect being until death comes. I have several books on my bedside table to read when I cannot sleep well.

[30:01]

One is Mary Oliver's poetry book, two novels of Haruki Murakami's science fiction, and a Japanese Zen master, Kodo Sawaki's book, The Zen Teaching of Homeless Kodo. I enjoy reading Sawaki Roshizu's straightforward and non-boshilling Zen teaching in our daily life. He uses the words which ordinary people can understand and articulate our delusion and lead us to the practice. This is the one I chose for you to share on this occasion. I think this is great, but I am also afraid that some people may think, so what?

[31:07]

But that is okay too. Anyway, this is from the chapter called Seamless Practice. Human life is complicated. There are times of war. when firebombs fall from the sky, and times of peace, when you can take a midnight by the fireplace. Sometimes we have to work all night, and sometimes we can enjoy drinking sake. Buddha Dhamma is living this life of ever-changing circumstances following the Buddha's teachings. What do you call your circumstance right now?

[32:17]

Time of sheltering at home? Time of fear and isolation? Time of massive death around the world. Time of unemployment. Time of no dazen in zendo. Can you still see Buddha Dharma in this very difficult moment? If so, how would you like to practice Thank you very much. Let's please chant together that closing chant. May our intention equally extended to every being and place.

[33:28]

With the true merit of God's way. Beings are numberless, I vow to save them. Delusions are inexhaustible, I vow to end them. Dharma gates are boundless. I vow to enter them. Buddha's way is unsurpassable. I vow to become it. Please feel free to unmute yourselves and turn on your camera if you'd like to say goodbye. Thank you all very much for coming. Thank you, Yuki.

[34:30]

Thank you, Yuki. [...] Much love to your mother. Thank you, Yuki. [...] Thank you very much. Thank you, Yuki.

[35:40]

Thank you for sharing your heart, Yuki.

[35:48]

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