This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Why do we have Tassajara? And when we leave tomorrow and we go back into that world... or if you're a resident here, as I was for many years, and love the practice here in the valley, when you do end up leaving this temple with gift-bestowing hands, what is it that you bring? What is it that we take back out there? Why do we have Tassajara? You know, years ago, there was this bat that Around here, you've probably seen all the bats.

[01:01]

They're very cute. As long as you're not afraid of bats, then they're not very cute. But all along these eaves out here, you'll see bats. And they'll fly around. They especially love to fly around in the shop. And one time, there was this bat that was flying around in the shop. And... somehow or another there was this ball of electrical tape that was there on one of the the counters during one of the work periods and the bat got its its wing like tangled up with this electrical tape and we came in in the morning and we were kind of distraught like how do we you know help this bat and it was still flailing around but it really couldn't fly and it was really it was in distress it was it was panicking and it was flailing And so we eventually figured out how to get a pillowcase and get the bat. And then we figured out that we would, you know, we had this, you know, non-adhesive solvent that was non-toxic.

[02:02]

We were going to try to get it off of the wing because we couldn't actually pull it off the wing. As we tried to pull it off, a little bit of that paper-thin bat wing tore. And we were just distraught. But you can imagine how distraught the bat was. And the bat really started flailing around, you know. And the bat was in a place of distress. It wanted an answer to its bat problem. And we knew what the answer was. And I'll bet you every ounce of that bat was disturbed, was tight. Have you ever felt like that bat wanting an answer to your problem, wanting an answer to something that you wish was different about you or the world and not knowing what the answer is and not knowing how to help yourself and just wanting to calm a little bit and to get centered and to get grounded and to have that desire.

[03:09]

Eventually we were able to get the tape off of the bat's wing. We need places where we can get a taste of what it is to get grounded. Something that gives us a little glimpse of a modality or a structure that can deliver us into a place where we actually settle a little bit more. You know, if you start to choke, you can choke on the smallest thing, a little pebble you can choke on. And the airways in your throat are plenty big. You don't have to choke on a pebble. But the reason that you choke on a pebble, of course, is because the throat constricts around the pebble. It's the reaction to the thing that's happening. And as we've learned to live our lives and protect ourselves and to develop personalities and to figure out how to function,

[04:20]

We've developed ways of being that don't serve us. And it's like, yes, it is a pebble. There is something there that's real, but I can't breathe. And people have noticed this about the human condition ever since there were people. We need a place to practice basketball. We need a place to practice the violin. We need a place to practice being a human being. We need a place to practice where we can go and we can settle. And we can see a little bit about what's actually going on. We have a ceremony that when I first came to Buddhism, I didn't understand. It just seemed like Buddhist Halloween. And it seemed really strange. And we would do it every year and I would participate because it was what the community was doing. But we take that altar and we put it over here and we reverse it and we get a whole bunch of fruit and other things and we put it out there for hungry ghosts and in the untamed wilderness, kind of metaphorical for not only the people that have departed, but also for maybe our shadow side or the things that we don't so accept about ourselves or other people.

[05:36]

And we become a host. And in the Sajiki ceremony, we put up all of these paintings and different pictures and sometimes on the walls. And the hungry ghosts, if you've ever seen them, they're really kind of awful looking beings. They have these big, huge mouths. And they have little tiny necks. So you can always bite off more than you can chew. And the... how much you think you need, how much I think I need sometimes. We were talking this week in the Young Urban Zen Retreat about the statement, when is not enough enough? You don't want to go to bed. You're like, I want more of this. I want the staying up thing. I want to keep working. I want more of the working thing. I want more of whatever it is that I'm doing. And then getting in touch with that feeling. The feeling is not enough. This is not enough. I want more of whatever. And just letting that be enough.

[06:40]

And those hungry ghosts have these huge mouths and they're biting off way more than they can chew. And they always are starving because of this condition. Being in a state of torment because of their own appetite. Because of their own reaction. Because of how they are with the thing that's going on. And it's lovely to be able to find a way to start looking at how it is that I am with the things that are like those hungry ghosts, how it is that I am with those things that come from the untamed wilderness, our shadow side, and to learn to actually be hosts and have an open-hearted stance and to realize that we came by these things honestly. They were not our choice. but our choice and our practice is about doing something with them. I've only ever had one panic attack in my life.

[07:50]

One. And it was right out there in that kitchen. And we had this dinner where on a very hot day like this, We had this red chili tofu. It was a dish we used to serve that you could serve cold, but everyone loved it. But you just put it in the walk-in, and it was in this big, huge bucket. And it made it really easy if you were making dinner. And I was the guest cook that night. And so I was able to come in really late. I didn't have to, you know, do much prep because pretty much the whole thing was done. And the way that we prepared it on the plate, it looked great for the guests, but they didn't know. We basically just like poured it out onto like the plate and, you know, took it out there. So it was the easiest breakfast. It was great for a hot, easiest dinner, great for a hot day. So I was really happy that that was on the menu when I was serving dinner that night, you know. I had to come in, make a couple vegetables. The dessert was pretty much done. And I just had to pour the stuff, go get it in the walk-in, you know. so about an hour and a half before dinner i go into the walk-in and i realized that they used the wrong tofu they got the buckets mixed up and they used the tofu that they were supposed to compost as opposed to the tofu that they were supposed to actually serve and so now i've got buckets and buckets of an unservable dinner and i've got an hour and a half to make something and

[09:18]

You know how people mill around out here in the courtyard when dinner's starting to get ready and there are people out there with their tea and talking. And we actually had a full, you know, we had 82 people that night for the guest side of things. And I started trying to think of all these plans of what I was going to do, how I was going to fix it. What was I going to do? And I started walking in a circle around that center island in the kitchen. It's kind of like doing pacing, just thinking, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? And as opposed to what usually happens where like an idea will dawn on me and I'll be able to, okay, there's an idea for whatever reason, nothing would come forward. You know, I've ever been in that situation where just nothing comes forward and you're just looking at, you're like, you know, I would love to say something in this conversation and I would love to, but yeah, I just have nothing to offer. And The more it happened, the more I started realizing that nothing was coming forward. And I started choking, you know, kind of like, you know, constricting around the... So, you know, if you're really trying to figure out the math problem on the test and you start squinting and trying really hard, you're never going to figure it out.

[10:28]

You know, it's just not going to happen. And so there I was, you know, with my, you know, all the red chili tofu going into the compost and... And then nothing was coming to mind. And I was just going around in circles around that center island. And I realized, and I stopped at one point, and I took a breath, and I went, this is what a panic attack feels like. Yeah. Thankfully, there were some other people in the kitchen. And I was able to lean on them and talk about some options that we had. Dinner was 25 minutes late. And it wasn't great, but it was edible, biodegradable, and we got through it. But have you ever been where you realize that this is kind of metaphorical for like what's been going on for you for months, maybe even years, where there's something that's kind of stuck?

[11:29]

And Oftentimes, I don't want to shine a light on that or talk about it. And I certainly don't want to have a ceremony like Sajiki where I'm host to it. Because there's areas that I'm still really immature. And I wish that I could say that after 10 years of being a Zen priest and practicing at Zen Center for 18 years, that, you know, I'm mature in every area. And I am not. And I'd like you not to know that. But the more I hide those things, the more that they start to give me tightness inside, the more that they start to resemble hungry ghosts where all of a sudden everything that I'm kind of doing out there can't be digested because there's something that hasn't really been addressed or solved. Why do we have a Tassajara? Why? Because people realize that this happens as a part of the human condition. And we need places to go and practice the violin.

[12:33]

And we need places to go and practice being a human being where we settle a little bit. And we have this progression where it's like presence. And then once you have presence, you have some awareness that can come in. But until you can settle and get some sort of presence, some sort of settledness... It's really difficult to have awareness. But once you have a little bit of awareness, oh, now the trouble starts. Because then you can really plague yourself about all the stuff that you should do and take care of and all of that. But that's where the possibility for adaptability comes in. So you have presence. then you have awareness, and then you have the possibility to adapt to what the moment is asking for. What is this moment asking for? That's what happens over and over again in the morning when we sit zazen, is we just notice, and it's not that we're doing something with it, but we just notice, this is what's happening.

[13:36]

This is what's happening. Can I be open to this is what's happening? This is what's happening in the moment. This is the mental formation. This is the body sensation. Can I be open? Not approving, but accepting. This is what's happening. Through that practice, we start to be able to get a bit more nimbleness around our, I guess you'd say shifting gears or willingness to do something to meet the moment. Okay, this is what the moment's asking for. But if I'm like that baby bat, like I was in that kitchen... I'm not going to be able to have any awareness of anything. Oh, people are trying to take tape off of my wing. And if I just lie here and get really, really calm and get really relaxed, then they'll take that electrical tape off my wing and then I'll be able to fly away. But there's no awareness of that when I am in that sort of place where I'm really, really, really tight. And so we teach this course here at Tassajara called Zen and Modern Leadership.

[14:43]

And we use this modality of presence, awareness, and adaptability because you can't really meet the moment until you can adapt to it. And you can't adapt to anything until you can be aware of what it is you need to do. And you can't be aware of anything until you can exhale and calm down and quit walking around the center island of the kitchen and think about something to make for dinner. And so this might resonate with you or with where it is that you live or what it is that's going on. But these sorts of places give an opportunity for us to come together and to have a taste of being a little bit more grounded. One of you was talking to me earlier today and was telling me about, yeah, I feel like when I'm here, I can be a little bit more vulnerable. I can kind of let down the wall that I usually have day in and day out. And I can say things to people that I might be a little bit worried to say. Not because I think that people are going to be mean to me, but just because I'm exposing vulnerability.

[15:46]

And that might be incredibly difficult with where I'm at. But I come together at a place where it's not just the setting itself, which is wonderful, but you also have Sangha. And the Sangha is there. to help mirror back to me and to give me a chance to try to reach forward and to trust a little bit and have an opportunity in a place that feels just a little bit safer than where I came from to maybe try to connect. It is rare in a spiritual tradition, in fact, I haven't been able to find any, that tries to solve the mind with the mind. What we do is you drop somewhere into the body first. But how many times do I try to think my way out of a problem that has been plaguing me for a long period of time? And sometimes, like what Eli was talking about the other night, the scaffolding to do the work, some of the forms, some of the things that are limitations, it seems like, are actually liberations.

[16:59]

They're the scaffolding to do the work. we might actually slow down. We might actually find a way to, okay, I could just plop down and sit Zazen in my apartment facing the wall. But what if when I went to the monastery and I remember that thing that we did and went to Zazen instruction and Zendo forms and out there we started hitting the wood block and it sounds like, you know, a rock hitting a bamboo pole and it's that sharp awareness. And they said, yeah, come back to this moment now. And I was in the valley and I was raking and I went and I put away my rake because that's what we do. But I could just plop down and sit right there in on the grass. That could be nice. Might have a good view. But, you know, I really haven't settled yet. I've been raking. So let's do something. Let's walk to the Zendo, maybe even walk in Shashu. And when I get there, I walk up the steps in a certain way and I get to the top step and I put clean feet on the top step and I take those two shoes and I put them on the shoe rack just so. And I go back to Shashu and I walk through the front door and I take my foot, the left foot, through the left door hinge as the first thing.

[18:01]

And all the little things that happened all the way until I got to my seat. And I think about that in my apartment. And as opposed to just plopping down, I realize I'm not even at that seat yet. I need to do some sort of a ritual to bring myself there. I need to have some way to transition to the next thing that's happening. And so we don't solve the mind with the mind. And the things that you find here, which might seem like constraints, are things that if taken up, they're not something that's being dropped on top of you. Because that feels totally different, doesn't it, when something's being dropped on top of you? Zen just offers it as something for you to pick up like a tool on the ground. There's something for you to pick up and go and use and to try it out, try it on for size. And so you pick it up, not as though I have to do this, but as though this might actually help me ground and actually be there. I actually made a mistake last night in sitting Zazen. Let's say a mistake, but not really a mistake, but it was bad choice, let's say.

[19:03]

I was sitting Zazen over there, and I don't know why I did this. Maybe my mind just did it to me as a trick. But I was sitting Zazen. I was really, really hot in my Oquesa. The fan wasn't reaching the corner. And I was starting to feel really, really kind of just like tense inside and really, really hot. And this thought popped into my head. You know, it always feels different if you're choosing to do something versus if you were forced to do it. And I was like, huh. All right, go back to Zazen. And then the thought popped up in my mind, what would this feel like if I was being forced to sit Zazen in this room, in this hot whatever, you know? And then, I can't tell you why, but for the rest of the period of Zazen, I felt awful. I felt like, you know, I felt like I just want to run out of here. I was just like, oh, this is, I can't take this. This is like, you know, restless belly syndrome or something. You just have to move, you know? But these things are given as offerings. to take and to try so that it's not that you have to do any of them.

[20:04]

It's that this scaffolding, these different forms have been created over centuries of individuals having a best practices and sharing them for how do I be in this body, in this mind, in this moment? How do I be in this body, in this mind, in this moment? And I want to share that. And I want to keep honing that over centuries with people. And so you come here and you see all of these forms, but the things that are here, they're just suggestions of ways to hold yourself so that you can be grounded and then you can exhale a little bit and then maybe you can realize a bit more of what's going on. What's actually going on? Ritual can ground us, but until ritual is something I've chosen to do, it can make me want to run out of the zendo. But taking it up personally, as this is something that helps me ground, can be incredibly powerful.

[21:06]

Now, the thing that is very tempting with all of this practice in the valley is sometimes it can feel like do A to get B. Kind of like self-help. Well, how's it different than self-help? time, we come to gifts and awarenesses that we could not have digested or understood before. Like we were talking about in our Young Urban Zen meeting earlier today, if you're talking to a four-year-old about trigonometry, they probably don't get it. And you're probably not inclined to criticize the four-year-old and say, look, this is very straightforward. I studied it in college. Doesn't matter how much you explain it. The capacity is not there yet. And I wish that I had the capacity to meet every moment, but I don't. And Zen asks us to try to meet the moment. We do try.

[22:11]

But then also don't be so full of hubris. I oftentimes am thinking that I can surf in any moment. There are moments and there are waves that I cannot surf. And sometimes I'm like a four-year-old trying to do trigonometry. The difference between self-help is that Zen is asking us to suspend some disbelief, to try on a modality and a way of being and embracing so that we can live into answers in the future that we do not have the capacity to understand today without despairing that lack as a lack, but just part of the process. We would not criticize the four-year-old. It's ridiculous. And if I don't have the capacity for something today, it's not because I had a project plan to be incompetent. It's because that's just the way things ended up with all the stuff that ended up making me me. And I'm just not good at that thing. Can I hold that loosely and be with it? And just realize, for whatever reason, I just can't figure out how to make dinner.

[23:16]

But maybe some of my friends, if we get together, they can help pull me out of it and we will make dinner. And so we create these places like Tassajara because you have a gift to give to the world. And you've probably in your life been in many, many situations where you looked at the meeting room at work, the dinner table at a family gathering, or been in some situation where you just said to yourself, I wish that there was somebody here who was a little bit grounded. I wish there was somebody here who was not uptight, who was not tense, who had a little bit more room in their emotional reservoir for people to be less perfect. And as we work on things and live into our answers in the future and gain new capacities through doing things that seem like they might be inefficient, we start to be able to give our gift to the world.

[24:25]

we start to be able to show up and be that person that has a little bit more spaciousness and they don't just have to be forced nice. We all know what it's like to be forced nice. That's called trying to be an adult, you know? So you have all these different situations, you know, and... You're in a meeting at work and then something goes awful. All you want to do, all I want to do is go into the corner and pound the wall and cry. But of course, that's not what adults do. So you have to be an adult about things and you have to be forced nice to the people around you and all the rest of it. But inside, I'm taking on stress. But isn't it wonderful if that emotional reservoir expands a little bit and I can hold the imperfections of me and the people around me with a little bit more spaciousness? I mean, you can think of whoever it is in your life that was very tight with you, where you couldn't make any mistakes or you were criticized or ridiculed. And you can also think about the person in your life who was very spacious with you and you could try on different hats and you could try different things and you could be creative.

[25:29]

And there just wasn't any risk that you were going to be criticized or you were just going to be accepted still after whatever happened. How much more free do you feel to be yourself, to give your gift to the world? Through this practice, we're learning how to be that person for other people. That's essentially the Bodhisattva vow, to be able to practice so that you can show up for others, so that you can have a little bit extra, so that I can be a little bit less wound, a little bit less tight, And so that I can actually not have to be forced nice and not so overwhelmed. And I can be with what's happening because I can adapt to it. Because I'm a little bit aware of what's going on. I've got a little glimpse of what's going on. So like going to bed, which I never like to do,

[26:39]

But like going to bed, there's a process. I mean, you don't just say, okay, I'm going to go to sleep. And then wherever you are at bedtime, you just like immediately lie down within three seconds and you go one, two, three. You know, you don't summon sleep that way. All you do is the setup. You do the things you know that end up in sleep. You just do the stuff that ends up in sleep. Change your clothes, turn the lights down a little bit, maybe do low energy stuff, prepare the bed, brush your teeth, just kind of wind down somewhere in there over the next half an hour. If things go well, you don't know when it happens, you don't know why it happens, but you're just sleeping. So what happens when I'm trying to work through something with... self-help what's a little bit different but with zen you just do the setup you just work with what is the moment is asking for you work with the different um structures and and forms that are given and then somehow in the future you're just looking in the mirror and you see a different person

[27:55]

Somehow or another, you just notice that the residue of bother is dissipating much more quickly than it was in the past. Somehow you just know you're not in Kansas anymore, and you don't know when you crossed the state line, but it just happened some way. You were just walking out there in the mist, and you got soaked through, and you don't know when it happened. You don't know when you fell asleep, but you did the setup. And so these monasteries are places that are the setup. They are the setup to teach us how to go about being with the thing that's in front of us, being vulnerable to the people that are around us so that we can go back into that world, which we will tomorrow, and we will be able to be with people in a world that needs a lot of people to be grounded. How much suffering is there out right now? How many things are really, really hard to see? about people and how they treat each other and about the media and about environment and about the politics.

[28:58]

But then you can take some groundedness in the fact that there's something I can do. I can start with myself. I can take some of the things that I learned when I was at that retreat at Tassajara. I can take some of the things that I learned When I was going through the different forms, the different rituals and how we drink water with two hands and we learn respect for water and how that actually goes out into so many other things. Because the world needs people that can show up and have a little bit extra for the people around them. People that can have some clarity about what the moment is asking for and not just be reactionary. I've gone to protests before where I was so reactionary that I came home and I was so wound. And then after the next 24 hours, I actually ended up treating a few people that I really liked not so well because I was just wound. And you can have great intentions, but until I find a way to regularly get myself centered and have presence, I don't even see what the moment is asking for.

[30:08]

And that's when I have the opportunity to do something about it, the opportunity to adapt, the opportunity to get a little glimmer or a little clue about what it is that maybe I need to do. There was an album in the 90s by Mazzy Starr called So Tonight That I Might See. And I always liked that album because it never really finishes or starts like what it's talking about. It's just so tonight that I might see. There's something that I'm doing so that later I'll have clarity. And in between, I just have the awareness that, yes, I don't actually see. I don't have the answer. But I'm going to take on something so that later in the future I might actually see. So tonight that I might see. I think about that often when I'm plagued by something that I don't have the answer for. And I realize the problem is that I'm using the word plagued. And I just find a different way to hopefully hold it or let it just sit on the back burner and be a curious thing that maybe I'll be able to live into the answer of one day.

[31:22]

And maybe the reason that I don't have the answer is because I don't have the capacity for it. And can I let that be okay? I asked my teacher regularly. Ryushin Paul Haller years ago, after I had been living at Tassajara for several years, and he was down here leading a practice period, and I asked him, I said, what am I doing here? And he said, honing your gut. Because over time, we can learn all these things, do this, do that, what have you, but what it's eventually doing is it's giving us discernment. It's that word that Eli was teasing out in his talk. You know, it gives us discernment where we're able to actually see what the moment is asking for. But it takes a while to understand that, you know. I mean, if you were to... take one of those old ships from New York to London and you're going across, I'm just imagining like the giant wheel and the ship captain's been sailing for decades and they're moving a little bit left and a little bit right and a little bit right and a little bit right, a little bit left.

[32:33]

And if you were to ask them each time they did that, why'd you go left? Why'd you go right? They don't know. They're just feeling the wind and the sails and the waves and whatever's going on. Honing our gut so that we can take this practice and over time, It will become something that becomes instinctive so that we will have awarenesses of how to respond so that we will be able to realize when it is we need to act and when it is we need to not act. When we leave here, we'll leave here with gift bestowing hands. Sometimes we say we leave here with nothing. Well, it's both. The gift that you're coming with back with is you. You don't take anything from the monastery, but somewhere in the doing of all of this, it had an impact on you and you don't leave the same.

[33:36]

You leave a little different. So there's a lot of things out there that the world needs us to show up for. And we just spent five days with each other, sequestered in a valley, eating great food, being so well supported by the students that are here sleeping in hot rooms, doing their practice to keep these doors open. That's why they are here, is to keep the doors open. So that we might see. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving.

[34:41]

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