This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. I know from speaking to some of you that we are at a time at Tassajara, but maybe just a time that's always there. whether at Tassajara or somewhere else, where some of us, maybe all of us some of the time, have some doubt about whether it's really okay to be the person that I am. And I guess tonight I want to encourage each of us to examine that question examine that feeling and find out.

[01:02]

Is it really okay to be the person that I am? It could be called have faith. But by faith, I don't mean a blind idea that we just follow. By faith, I mean more have the courage to really look at, is it okay to be the person that I am? I think it takes real courage to do that. One of the things that Dogen says is, Dogen is a founder of this school of Zen, by the way, there's anyone here who doesn't know that and he says many things many many many things a lot of which are pretty hard to understand I feel but anyway one of the things that he says is the entire universe is the Dharma body of the self the entire universe is the gate of liberation and he's quoting some something I don't know some

[02:24]

older texts I think he says an ancient Buddha says the entire universe is the Dharma body of the self the entire universe is the gate of liberation and then he goes on to say the entire universe is the gate of liberation means you are not at all captivated or entangled I think that's a little different than our experience a lot of the time when we might feel pretty entangled and pretty captured, entangled and captured by our karma, by the people around us, by the situation, by our responses to the situation, by ourself. So that's what I want to encourage us all to look at. Are we actually entangled, captivated by who we are, by the situation that we are in, or is this situation actually one of freedom, of the Dharma body of the self, of the universe being actually what it's supposed to be, the Dharma body of the self.

[03:46]

I think we usually have an idea of how things should go, small things, big things. We have some idea of how this lecture should go or how a meal that we're making should go or how our relationships should go, how we should be on our crew, how we should be with our friends. many things we have ideas about. Sometimes those ideas are articulated and we can say very clearly, I think it should be like this. And sometimes they're vague, more vague, but there's usually some feeling or articulated idea, I would like this situation to be like this. And usually it doesn't go quite the way that we think it should. If it goes better than we thought it should or we thought it would, then pretty much we just incorporate that and we're happy about it, and that's great.

[04:55]

We made a slight mistake in our idea, and things went better than we thought they would. If it goes worse than how we thought it would or it should, then we tend to start trying to figure out what went wrong. What went wrong? It's interesting to see how do we determine whether something went better or went worse. It's mostly how we feel, I think. When something happens, we either feel pretty good about it or we don't feel so good about it. If we feel pretty good about it, we pretty much go on to the next thing. If we feel not so good about it, then I think we often start to think, what went wrong here? And when we start to think, either again articulately or kind of vaguely, what went wrong here, I just want to point out a pitfall in how we function normally.

[06:01]

Something that keeps us from checking out, is it really okay for me to be who I am, for me to be the person that I am? So when we start to feel like Something went wrong here. One of the next questions that comes consciously or unconsciously to our mind is usually, whose fault is it? Something went wrong here. Whose fault is it? And then we very quickly assign blame in one of two directions. And sometimes in a kind of messy combination of both directions. The one of two directions is either it's my fault or it's their fault. And their can be a quite moving target. Anybody who fits the bill will do. And it might land on somebody and then it doesn't move from them for a long time.

[07:06]

It's their fault. It's their fault. It's their fault. But still, basically, it's them as opposed to me. And then, again, there can be this pretty messy or complicated, maybe messy is too judgmental a word, but a complicated kind of combination of maybe it's my fault, but really it's their fault. Or really it's their fault. Maybe down at the bottom it doesn't feel so good. Maybe it was really my fault. And this little... what should we call it, dance that we do, of feeling uneasy, thinking something went wrong here, whose fault is it, and then finding a target for the blame and kind of repeating the story, whatever it is, about why it's our fault or their fault, is... a very good way to avoid looking at what's actually happening.

[08:10]

Is it really okay what's happening? Or maybe okay is kind of a wimpy word. What is really happening? What is the universe, the entire universe, the Dharma body of the self? Is the entire universe the gate of liberation? It's very hard to see whether that's true or not, when we're involved in this dance of figuring out what went wrong, assigning the blame, maintaining that story, it's, in a way, I think it's almost all about staying away from what's really happening, staying away from the unpleasant feeling that was generated in this hypothetical situation to come back from that story back to just this is unpleasant I don't feel so good now where is that in my body how do I continue to live

[09:32]

given that I feel pretty uncomfortable now in this situation, is one way to describe practice. Just to come back, just to come back to whatever is happening here. And it doesn't mean, if we do that, if we just come back, if we come back to the entire universe... being the Dharma gate of the self, being the Dharma body of the self, with the possibility that it is also the gate of liberation, doesn't mean that there might not be things to apologize for. There might be in that place. If we see that somebody has been hurt, and if we see that anything that we did might have contributed to their hurt, Apologizing is really good.

[10:33]

It's really beneficial. It doesn't mean that all of that blame for that whole situation is yours then. It just means, oh, I see part of what happened here was something I did contributed to pain on your side, and I'm sorry that happened. So it doesn't mean that we take on the full blame of the situation. And it doesn't mean that, you know, the other person gets off scot-free. Scot-free is actually not a thing that happens in life. You know, it just doesn't happen. Nobody just walks away with no, you know, no effect from a difficult situation. Even if they think it's your fault, it's your fault, it's your fault, that's not a pleasant way to feel. That's not scot-free.

[11:35]

That's not the gate of liberation, or that's not at least experiencing the gate of liberation. Whether it is the gate of liberation is actually an open question. Maybe it is. Maybe that's the way they have to go to get to liberation. There's a poem which some of you who've heard me talk before have probably heard many times, but I wanted to bring it up again. It's the poem from the first koan in the Soto Zen book of koans. So koans, you know, are those stories which often don't make any rational sense, which are studied... It's a main form of practice in the Rinzai school of Zen, which is the other main school of Zen. So they study these koans.

[12:36]

In Soto Zen, we often say that our koan is our everyday life. It's really this question that I've brought up, you know, is it okay to be me? And what does that mean? What is me in this situation, in this everyday life koan that I'm in? And to study that koan, that's sort of what I'm recommending tonight, that we try to be in that situation, actually be in that situation enough to experience, is this the gate of liberation? And not fall into the various habitual traps we have for trying to get out of the situation. Of course, that's impossible, so... when we notice them to come back. So this poem is from the first koan in the Soto Zen book of koans, which I always think must be significant, that it's the first one, like that there's something really basic about it in this particular practice.

[13:51]

And there's a story that goes with it, too, but I'm not going to bring up the story tonight, maybe some other time. But the poem that goes with it is, actually, I've manipulated the poem somewhat. So if you go to look it up, all these words are there. Part of them are in the poem, and part of them are in the commentary on the poem. But I like it better this way. So the poem is, the unique breeze of reality. Do you see? Continuously creation runs her loom and shuttle, weaving the ancient brocade, incorporating the forms of spring. As the woof goes through the warp, the weave is dense and fine. One continuous thread comes from the shuttle, making each design. How can this even be spoken of on the same day as false cause or no cause? So again, I think this is an encouragement to us to really open to our life as it is.

[15:03]

So let me say it again. The unique breeze of reality. Do you see? Continuously creation runs her loom and shuttle, weaving the ancient brocade, incorporating the forms of spring. As the woof goes through the warp, The weave is dense and fine. One continuous thread comes from the shuttle, making each design. How can this even be spoken of on the same day as false cause or no cause? So when we slip into this dance of whose fault is it? What's wrong here? Whose fault is it? Who's to blame? One of the things that we are... essentially is there's a wrong cause going on here. Something happened that shouldn't have happened. A mistake has come into the universe and into my life.

[16:09]

Things have gone the wrong way. But this poem is saying there isn't any false cause or any no cause. Something comes out of nowhere. We sometimes feel that way too, like it didn't come from anywhere. There's nothing like that. One of the tenets of Buddhism is that the way things happen is by something called dependent co-arising, which is that everything causes each thing. Everything has to come together to support and allow each thing to happen. If anything was changed, something slightly different would happen or would be. We would be different if things changed. We are different moment by moment as things change. So dependent co-arising, meaning all of us and all of everything, help each thing to happen.

[17:13]

That's the same thing as saying there's no false cause, there's no no cause. Actually, everything happens because of the things that support it so in our life everything also comes from from everything but also part of that everything is our life is who I am to to really accept this is very very hard you know we have such a feeling that I mean we see Ourself, right? We see many things about ourself that we can see causes ourself pain and causes other people pain. So we think, quite logically, this should not be like this. I should not be like this. To actually open to those things, not defending them, not saying it should be like this.

[18:16]

It has to be like this. Dependent co-arising made it so, and now I get to be a lousy person because of it and hurt you all I want. That's not what I'm suggesting. I'm suggesting that we... One description of how to practice with ourselves in this way is from another Dogen text. He says, by bowing formally and stepping inward, we stumble into the realm of great ease. So I think that's one description of how to practice with these parts of ourselves that come up that seem so questionable. Is it really, what do I do with this part of myself? When I can see it hurts me or it hurts other people, what do I do with it?

[19:18]

So that's one way of describing it. And another way of describing it is zazen. Basically, that's one thing that zazen is about. We sit down, we sit still with ourself and essentially bow to it, bow to the dependent co-arising, to the self that's being created at this moment, and step backward. And just be there with it. And according to Dogen, in that movement, we stumble into the realm of great ease. We actually don't have to figure out what to do with it. We just stay there with it. Now, of course, life gets a little more complicated than Zazen in some ways. Because while you're bowing and stepping backward, things are going on. And people are expecting you to... you know, say something.

[20:20]

If they've just, for instance, they've just said something to you, like, I don't know what, like, you know, could you help me with the dishes tonight? That's kind of appropriate here at Tassar and at home, other places, right? Could you help me with the dishes? I know it's extra. I know you've already done your full day's work, but could you help me? And then maybe some response comes up in us and maybe we see oh, painful response, harmful response. If I say, why are you asking? You haven't been doing anything all day. I've been working hard. Anyway, many things we could respond at that point that we might think, not so good. That's not really a good response to have. And then if we notice that and manage to step back and let that be there, of course, And it's not a period of zazen. This is actually happening in real life, moving along.

[21:22]

The person is standing there waiting for an answer. So what do we do? I suggest we see what comes forward. See what comes forward and continue opening in this questioning way to who am I? Is this the universe? being the Dharma body of the self is this the universe being the gate of liberation is this not being entangled not being captivated if it doesn't feel like it step back again step back again just keep opening up to what what is here what is here and I know that can sometimes sound kind of maybe even negligent maybe a scary maybe like something not so good will come of that but I think if there is this not turning away from but actually being there for what who is this person what is happening here that we begin to find this is the gate of liberation

[22:45]

That the turning away, the blaming of ourselves and having a better idea than dependent co-arising about what should be happening now and believing our own idea actually keeps us away from those deep places in ourselves that we really need to see. How does this function? What is the entanglement here? Will it disentangle? to see this ancient brocade, where is that one thread coming from? And by where is it coming from, I don't mean something that we would analyze and figure out, oh, it came from my parents, for instance. That is probably true. Our parents have a lot to do with our dependent co-arising. But where it's coming from is more... think the most liberating thing about where it's coming from is how does it function in this situation you know if if i am actually open to the the person who is arising right now how does it function in this situation so tonight i am just uh... wanting to encourage you to uh...

[24:15]

go more steps along that path to siddhazen and essentially bow to those parts of ourselves that we wonder about. Bow to them, step back, see whether the realm of great ease is anywhere around us. in that. Is there any realm of great ease in this dependently co-arisen life? Is Dogen right about this or isn't he? And although I realize that this is not an easy, and I'm not handing you an easy answer, I don't know what to say about that because in fact it's an answer that we have to find in our own experience. If faith is not just a blind belief in something, If faith is actually confidence, it has to come from our own meeting of our self, you know, really meeting this person.

[25:25]

I mean, after all, Buddhism might be true for all of you and not for me. If I don't actually experience it in my life, there's no way it will actually become my gate of liberation. Let me stop there and see if any of you can help me say this better by either saying something or by asking something. Does anyone have anything they'd like to bring up? And if you don't, that's fine. But if you do... Yes, John. about being open to something that's arising. It reminds me of like Brother David's talking about surprise being important for gratefulness and kind of like just being there and not putting any extra

[26:45]

problem or trying to analyze something or find out who's right or wrong. Yes. Stepping back and being kind of surprised and grateful for whatever. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. And maybe not holding our idea of how things should go too tightly, since it probably won't go that way. So when it doesn't go that way, be ready to open to what's there. Thank you. Anything else? Yes. There probably is technically and probably somebody else can answer this question. Yasi asked whether there was a difference between causes and conditions. I've I've read some difference, but I don't know technically well enough to say what that would be.

[27:54]

Did you have something in particular in mind, not speaking technically? Yes. They're often used together, and I think they're used together because there is, in, you know, kind of Buddhist... philosophy in some schools of that, there is a difference, but I wouldn't dare to say what that was right now. Yeah, Mark. What do you think about that in relation to the state of allowing things to be the way that they are and stuff me back and keep me confused to also affirmatively try to cultivate certain mind states.

[29:04]

Compassion or gratefulness or something like that. Well, obviously it must be beneficial. I mean, it's... Many practices do that. There's meta-practices and things like that. However, and I haven't ever really studied, for instance, meta-practice, but I've studied it enough that I remember that the first step in meta-practice is patience. And patience seems to me to actually be the me anyway to actually be the same thing as Zazen it's like Zazen is patience and myself I have some resistance to trying to create a state of mind you know so for instance if I'm not feeling loving toward somebody I I you know sometimes I feel like I should feel loving toward this person but

[30:14]

to actually try to make myself feel loving. I'm suspicious of that or something, deeply suspicious of it. And my experience is that understanding and compassion and love and joy even actually arise from and sort of maybe in that order, at least in the order of understanding and then compassion and love, from this opening to what's there. And something in me trusts this much more than my having some idea of how I should be and trying to make myself into that. That when instead I have... had some say emotion that I don't feel is appropriate and instead of defending it or finding out or you know trying to assign blame for why I have it if I instead essentially do Zazen with it you know even if I'm having to move around and continue functioning if I step back and sort of find it in my body and

[31:42]

let it be there, but being still with it in some way, just letting it be there, that it usually disentangles into more understandable emotions or sensations. And that as I understand that about, for instance, if I'm angry about something, usually I discover, oh, I'm... afraid of something, often afraid that I'm not okay in one way or another, or this person doesn't think I'm okay. And when I see that, I can understand why I might feel that way. And as I see that, I actually have more compassion for myself about it, and the other person gets included in that somehow. It's like, oh, I... don't feel like I'm okay. Maybe they don't feel like I'm okay.

[32:43]

It's not so much a rational thing as just the experience, really, is that it turns into compassion and love and sometimes even joy. So having experienced that, I have a lot of faith in that. Doesn't mean I can always do it. And personally, maybe because of my karma or something, I I trust that more than having some idea, oh, I should be a living person, and here's somebody I don't love, so now I should figure out how to love them. So thank you for asking that question. Yes, Curtis. I find a lot of comfort in the teaching of no wrong cause and no no cause. Yes. And sometimes somebody will do something that material it affects me in some way or hurts me and there's some effect yes right and what I find is that you know they do something for causes reasons and so forth and even when I can see those or at least some of those that still there's some either aversion or mistrust and you know must be

[34:09]

it's more difficult to get along with what some pursued. Yes. Even if I can observe, yes, this was for various causes. Yes. Yes. So I'm wondering if you could say something about reconciliation. Hmm. Yeah. Well, maybe there's two things there. There is reconciliation. with the other person and there is also this study that's going on inside of ourselves of seeing as you said part of what's happening for them and maybe seeing oh I can see where this came from their pain and yet I don't really want to be around their pain because it causes me pain so I have some aversion there.

[35:12]

And there, I think, thank you very much, that's part of what I really want to encourage us to look more at. And one of the advantages of this tiny little valley, this deep, narrow valley, where even though I might want to be away from somebody, we can't get all that far. So we're sort of forced to continue to look at What's happening here? Where is this pain really coming from? Am I captivated here? Am I entangled? Or is this the gate of liberation? And I think if we follow those threads, we usually see that if it is hurting us still, it's not all coming from them. there's something happening over here that is still working to be disentangled, put it one way.

[36:20]

And this person is in some ways just doing us the favor of touching those tangles. So that's maybe the reconciliation inside ourselves with the situation, which is maybe the most crucial work. Because if we get to the bottom of that, then in a way there's no need for reconciliation with, or we're already reconciled to the other person, even though, again, apologies or connection might need to be mended. But sometimes it's very useful to do that in an outward way with the other person, where we actually engage in a conversation with them about what happened from their point of view. Because as you said, I see something, but I never see everything.

[37:22]

That's not actually a possibility for any human being to see everything. So to see if we have a situation going on with another person, really to hear what they see, to hear what they're what they think is happening can really expand our understanding and therefore our compassion for the situation. To do that is tricky. You need to actually want to know for the person to be able. And it's the same with ourself. We have to actually want to know who am I, what is happening here. If we have too much of an idea about who I should be, There's no room for who we actually are. So in both those situations, we need to step back, sit still, make some space for the real situation. And right now we have to make some space for the real situation that is bedtime.

[38:24]

So thank you all very much for coming tonight. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge. and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[38:50]

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