Good morning. Good morning. Good morning. It's an auspicious gray day. Today is one of those days that's never happened before. So in that sense, it's boundless.

[01:00]

It's wide open. It's unpredictable. What will you do with today? It's also, of course, Mother's Day. And today, the auspicious occasion is that 16 young bodhisattvas are participating in a coming-of-age ceremony. A little bit after a break, after this lecture, we'll have a coming-of-age ceremony. Congratulations. So this is quite interesting, you know, to me, that the day has never happened before. So what will we do? How do you know what to do? or what not to do.

[02:01]

And if it's never happened before, how could there be a script for it? One of our habits is to think that if we follow the script and do things right, And well, we'll get a good grade or a good score or congratulations. And of course, if something difficult in our life happens, we are very tempted, if not actually thinking it, we're very tempted to think, what did I do wrong? It's a gray day today. What did you do wrong? So to undertake a study of what to do today or how to live today, in Zen we call this the mind that seeks the way.

[03:15]

What is the way to live today? And it's something that we continue to study for the course of a life. And it's important, you know, to study what is the way to live today. You know, are we alive or are we going through the motions? Are we the author of the script for today or are we seeing if we can follow something that we imagine to be the script? So, for instance, when I was first starting Zen and I went to a session, seven days intensive meditation, I was 20. It was very painful.

[04:19]

And I had a very difficult time. Some people seemed to sit and do very well. So how do we, how will we think about that? Are you a success or are you a failure? Did you do well or did you do poorly? And based on whether you did well or poorly, what will I get out of that? You know, what do I deserve? And at the end of the session, Suzuki Roshi said, some of you have done very, very well. You were concentrated. You sat still. You had deep, profound experiences. It's over now. It's time for you to do something else. And then, you know, while, of course, he was going through all of that of how well people did, I'm thinking, that's not me.

[05:29]

And And then he said, some of you had a very difficult time. Yep. Your legs hurt. You couldn't stop thinking. You had a lot of painful feelings and emotions and memories and thoughts, and you couldn't concentrate on following your breath. It's over now. It's time for you to do something else. This something else is to study how to meet this moment, the moment that has never happened before. What will you do? And then what's a healthy, useful mind? What's a good mind to have if you're studying how to meet this moment? And oftentimes, of course, we think, well, the thing to do is to know what to do and then, you know, and If you're a football player, it's pretty easy.

[06:41]

There's someone in your way, but you kind of know what to do. Move him out of your way. But in this sense, of course, we have some encouragement. If this is a new moment, to be curious, open, what's going on in this moment? What's happening? And of course, I really appreciate, you know, there was a Tibetan master who said that they have the whisperer's secret key teachings. And he said, one of them is, you are here. He said, you Americans, you know, and he said, this is like at the mall. And you go to the kiosk, and there's a map of the mall, and it says, you are here.

[07:41]

Some of you are trying to get somewhere, and you don't know where you're starting from, though. You don't know where you are. But you're trying to get to this other place. So to get anywhere, you have to know, where are you? You are here. And then from there, you can study how to go somewhere. So this is, you know, in the Zen tradition, finding your place where you are. Practice occurs, actualizing the fundamental point. Find your place where you are in this new, never before happened place. Find yourself in this place. And then how do you, what will you do? You know, how will you stand? Can you stand your ground? Can you speak your truth? Can you honor your gift? This moment. It's never happened before.

[08:49]

How will you do that? Many years ago, I read a book by Wendell Berry, which I really liked, The Unsettling of America. Some of you may have read it. And he makes a distinction in that book between the mind of exploitation and the mind of the nurturing. And our culture emphasizes that you figure out what to do today from the head down. And you know in your head what to do, what not to do, and then your head tells the rest of you, do what I tell you. And then when you can't do what you're told, then you go like, oh, I have too much resistance. Or your therapist tells you, or your doctor tells you, you have too much resistance, you're not doing what I tell you. But on the other hand, isn't this actually rather good?

[09:53]

You have choice in your life. And there's more to life than just the head and what the head says and what the culture says you should or shouldn't do. There's also your heart. And there's also what in Zen we call the hara, which is three finger widths below your navel is in Japanese the hara. And in the Western world, now we also call it the second chakra, because we adopted this from Indian culture. And the second chakra is the seat or the center of your emotional life. So when you know where you are here in your second chakra, that's also called the felt sense. So in addition to what you should or shouldn't do according to your head, there's what do you feel like doing? What do you feel like in your body?

[10:58]

And we don't trust this in the Western world because it can be off. If you haven't studied your second chakra and gotten familiar with it, you get yourself into trouble. And our world, we tend, like, we don't go there. A lot of people just don't go there. I teach a simple kind of Qigong, and one of the things I teach is take your hand like this down your abdomen. And I teach in Germany sometimes, and then they don't seem to know where their abdomen is. But then I started noticing that here, people don't know where their abdomen is either. You don't touch down here. And you're not touching down here, and then also you don't feel down here. So how would you know what you feel? What you feel like doing, and it's deep in your being, and it's your... Now there's actually science for this. It's your gut brain. It's as strong as your brain brain, your thinking brain.

[12:06]

And there's your heart mind. What do you feel like in your heart? So the study of what to do this moment and what to do in your life is not just up here, but from your heart, from your felt sense, And are you working on, are you developing or finding a way to develop the intelligence, the deep intelligence of you yourself, your own being, inside? What some people call, you know, what is innermost. So Wendell Berry in his book, The Mind of Exploitation, he says this is how America got unsettled. It's usually called settling of America. You know, moving west is to settle the west. But actually he calls it the unsettling because people move on when you've used up the resources and you've been able to exploit the situation where you are, then you move on to the next place to exploit.

[13:09]

And then you ask the question, what are you getting out of this? And people say, if you meditate, what do you get out of it? Because the only reason to do anything would be what you're getting out of it. Are you getting a good return on your investment of your time and effort and energy? Is it worth your while? And how can you get the most for your effort and time, time and effort, how can you get the most, maximize your return? This is exploitation. And then, of course, at some point... You know, and then you go on, and then if you, and then, you know, usually then you leave behind, as we've left behind, you leave behind, you know, places that strip mind, and, you know, the forests are cut down, and the fish are all fished out, you know, and then you move on.

[14:11]

And now, of course, we've gotten to the Pacific, and there's nowhere to move on to. Oh, well. So this is very interesting, and somehow this mind of exploitation goes along with, of course, what you should and shouldn't do. But we can bend the rules, can't we? If we get a good return on it. And if we don't get caught. So Wendell Berry contrasts this with the mind of nurturing, the mind of taking care, where you settle down where you are, And you take care of things. And you watch, you take care of your home, your garden, your family, your children, your community, your neighborhood, the world. You take care of it because it's where you live. And, of course, that all starts with, you know, here.

[15:16]

Taking care of you. If you don't take care of you, No one is, you know, mostly other people aren't going to take care of you. Right now, you know, when you're young enough, mom and dad may take care of you. The older you get, they're not around. And you might have to learn to cook. That's one of the things I did. I look around like I'm not getting anything to eat. Where is mom? And mom had sent me some recipes, but she wasn't there to cook them. So I thought, I'm going to have to cook for myself. I'll cook. I will cook for myself. I'd like something to eat. I will take responsibility for that. I will cook for myself. And one thing led to another, and then I started writing cookbooks. But I made a choice.

[16:18]

This is what we do. What will you do? Will you wait for some food to come? Will you snack on potato chips? What will you do? I decided to cook. And it was quite wonderful. I studied how the different shapes that you could cut things in. I cut through a purple cabbage and then there was this tree in the purple cabbage. White tree. And food, when you take the time and you spend time with it, it's very beautiful. But if you're into exploitation, you don't have time for beauty. You want something to eat, and it's just food, fuel for the human body. And then you're just fuel for the capitalistic machine, so get over it. And you're just, you know, in a Dilbert cartoon like everybody else in Dilbert says, if you work hard, you too can make your boss rich.

[17:26]

So to step out of this life of, you know, which tends to be maximizing and exploiting and then... If you're not careful, as a cook, people say, thank you for your food. And then they say, what will you make tomorrow? And you're only as good as your last meal. You're only as good as your performance. And when you're not performing anymore... Bye. So this is very interesting, you know. How do we enter into a moment and participate in the moment and not get too lost in how to exploit the moment and yet to meet the moment and to get something to eat and not be too worried about...

[18:36]

how it measures up with other people's cooking and the criticism that might come. I don't like this. How could you serve me something like this? It's hard being a cook. It's hard being a human being. We're open to people telling us various things about our performance. But we each have, of course, in Zen, we each have Buddha nature, or we could also say a good heart. Each of us are presence. We have spirit or presence inside. And it's the difference between shame and guilt. If you do something that's painful or difficult or you feel regretful about, sometimes, you know, my tendency — and it partly depends on what you grew up with — but my tendency is to think, this painful thing and I would have only done something wrong if there's something fundamentally, inherently wrong with me.

[19:52]

And that's called shame. And so then I feel smaller and smaller and I feel like I should just disappear from this world. Somehow I survived anyway. That's not the subject of today's talk, though. So, Wendell Berry's thoughts about the mind of exploitation and the mind of Nurturing is very similar to something Suzuki Rishi said. One time we had a sashim and he spent the sashim talking about this and he said, what is ordinary is that people chase after something special. What can I get out of this? How do I profit?

[20:53]

How do I look good? How do I have fame? How do I have success? How do I create a good image for myself? And, of course, if your life is based on image at some point, you realize, I am not my image. And nobody knows me. And if they did, they wouldn't like me. But I'll keep up my good image anyway. But no matter how good an image we keep up, they're still inside. How do you feel about yourself? So Suzuki Rishi said, what is ordinary is to chase after something special. This is our ordinary tendency. What is extraordinary, he said, is to settle down in what is ordinary and bring it alive. So this is very much like a mind of nurturing. How do you take care of yourself your friends, your family, your neighbors?

[21:58]

How do you take care of this moment? So, for instance, in meditation, if you're following your breath, you want to have a breath that would be a good one to report on. I could follow my breath for a whole period, and it was deep. and calm and peaceful. Congratulations, now you have something else to do. But to take care of your breath then, you know, Suzuki Roshi and other Zen teachers said, be kind. Be kind with your breath. Being kind with your breath is different than getting your breath to perform the way you want it to. You have a tender, warm, tender feeling for your breath, for your body, for you yourself.

[23:04]

And you begin to learn to trust your heart, your felt sense, to come forward and to help you move forward in the world while you take care of You know, your work, your family, getting places, travel, shopping, groceries, cooking. There's a lot to do. I'm going to tell you one more story about Suzuki Rishi. When I was... fairly early on there, one of my first, I think it was another Sashin, not the very first one. And we have individual meetings with the teacher. So I went to meet Suzuki Roshi and I sat very close to him. You sit, the cushions are just, I don't know, foot apart?

[24:09]

Less sometimes. So, you know, your other person's face is right here. So, you know, you're meeting somebody. And most of us, you know, and it's never happened before. And we wonder what will happen. And like the first time I met Suzuki Roshi, I was leaving the meditation hall and one by one he would bow to each student and I bowed and I was checking. What does he think of me? Because you want to know. Am I okay? Does he like me? Does he not like me? Am I coming across all right? What does he think of me? And his face was completely impassive. But it was very unusual because it wasn't like, I don't have anything to do with you.

[25:13]

It was impassive and completely receptive. Most everybody who met Suzuki Rishi said this about him. I felt completely received. And later I read in Zen Master Dogen, complete perfect enlightenment is like meeting somebody for the first time and not thinking about whether you like them or not. Meeting. Face to face. And not thinking about liking or disliking. Because usually we are deciding like, dislike, and then based on that, should I treat them nice? Should I treat them poorly? What do they deserve? I'll treat them that way. How do I get my way out of this? And then if I get them to like me, maybe they'll do something for me. And so on. You know, we have a lot of strategies.

[26:14]

This is our mind rather than our heart made in another heart. our being, meeting another being, presence, meeting presence. And this is a big challenge. So, again, I was about 20. I didn't know what to say. Do you try to talk about your successes? Do you talk about your failures? Do you ask a question? And in our school, we don't tell you what to say. Some schools have a tradition of you ask, there's a certain question to ask, or you're working on, you say right away, I'm working on the Kohen Mu, or I'm doing Shikantaza, and then you go right into something and they coach you what to do. But in our school, we don't get any coaching. What do I say? And I was sitting there, and after a while, she said, how's your meditation?

[27:18]

I said, not so good. Not so good. And he said, well, what's not so good? I said, I'm thinking a lot. And if you know, you've all mostly heard, you know, in meditation you make your mind quiet. Good luck with that. If you're not careful, then you, you know, I'm going to make my mind quiet. And then as soon as a thought comes up, then you say, silence to yourself. And then you say, who said that? And then another voice says, why are you all talking? We're practicing silence here. Get started. No, you start. So I said, well, I'm thinking.

[28:25]

And Suzuki Roshi said, what's the problem with thinking? What's the problem with thinking? I looked for the problem with thinking. And I couldn't find it. And I said, well, you know, you're not supposed to think in meditation. And he said, I think thinking is pretty normal, don't you? Is this a trick question? Thinking is pretty normal. I said, yeah, I guess thinking is pretty normal. Yeah. So what's the problem? And I said, well, but you're the Zen teacher. You should know.

[29:26]

You're not supposed to. So then he told me, you know, thinking is pretty normal, pretty natural. And the problem is that you're thinking the same thing over and over again. And your thinking doesn't change. And then, you know, in a Buddhist sense, of course, then you notice the things out in the world that support your thinking. And you notice the things that... And you don't notice the things that do not support your thinking because you wouldn't want to be wrong. So you notice things that allow you to go on thinking what you always thought. Is that how you want to live today? Or, you know... This is not what he said, but I'm making it up now. Excuse me. But I'm giving the talk, not Suzuki Roshi. So he said, or I said...

[30:41]

So if your mind is quiet sometimes, you'll be able to observe and experience things that will allow your thinking to change. So there's a possibility at some point, and what is suggested in the Perfection of Wisdom Sutras is that you can have a thought, you can create a thought which has no support for it or no evidence. So one of the thoughts that we create is, and there's no evidence for it, you are a precious person. You have a good heart. I have a good heart. I am a precious being. I belong here on the earth. I have gifts to share with others. If you look for the evidence for this, it's sometimes very hard to find. So without any evidence, we believe this.

[31:50]

We produce these thoughts and then we stand by our thoughts. The thoughts that empower us to move forward in our life. And to meet today with some freshness and vitality and curiosity and interest. And whatever happened in the past? That's over now. It's time to do something else. So every year I have a... It's usually a Rumi poem. So I'll tell you my Rumi poem for the year. Still using it. It's only May. Excuse me. To clear my throat for the roomy poem.

[32:52]

Every day I think about it, and at night I say it. Where did I come from? What am I supposed to be doing? I have no idea. My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that, and I intend to end up there. This drunkenness began in some other tavern, and when I get back around to that place, I'll be completely sober. Meanwhile, I'm like a strange bird from a distant continent sitting in this aviary with all the other strange birds. Thank you for joining me. Thank you. Meanwhile, I'm like a strange bird from another continent sitting in this aviary.

[33:57]

But who is it now in my ear who hears these words? Who speaks with my voice? Who looks out from my eyes? What is the soul? I cannot stop asking. If I could taste one sip of an answer, I'd be free of this prison for drunks. I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way either. Whoever brought me here will have to take me home. I'm laughing because, you know, where did I go wrong? You know, I'm a college dropout.

[35:03]

I never, I never, I have a friend from high school. One of my best friends from high school, he became a Marin County Municipal Court, a Superior Court judge. He was, you know, and I used to see him when I went out to the Civic Center for jury duty. And one time I was in his courtroom. And I got called up to the jury box. And it was a strange case. I mean, it was a landlord who was accused of fondling his tenant. Bad juju, you know, bad. But not all that bad compared to some things that people get accused of. And his defense was, according to the lawyer, just preliminary speeches, His defense was, my client is a nice person. We're going to have people get up here and talk to you about what a good person he is. Not that he didn't do it. But you probably shouldn't convict him because he's such a nice person.

[36:10]

And I'm sitting there. And my friend had said, if you have any genuine reason why you cannot serve on this jury, Please let me know. And he said, and I don't want any of those California touchy-feeling, touchy-feely, you know, excuses. So I'm sitting there in the jury box listening to all this thing and like, this is a big waste of my time to sit through possibly one or two or three days of this. So it came time for a break, and the judge said, Mr. Brown, would you please approach the bench? So I walk up, and I look up at him, because they're sitting up high behind this high counter, you know, the judge. And I say, hi, Steve. Or maybe I said, hi, judge. And he says, Ed, you don't look very happy.

[37:15]

what's going on? And I said, Steve, I have a workshop today that I was hoping to go to at 11 o'clock. And he said, why didn't you tell me? And he said, it's a touch workshop. It's one of those touchy-feely California excuses. And he said, oh, get out of here. And then he said, and do you want to come back again, or would you like me to get you off of jury duty for the next five years? I said, if If that's okay with you, you can get me off of dirty duty for a while. I said, okay, thank you. And he did. Then later, you know, I had a dinner at his house, and he said, you know, you were one of the smartest kids at San Rafael High School, San Rafael High School, where Cynthia teaches. And you were one of the smartest kids at San Rafael High School. It's too bad you didn't make anything of your life. I lost my hair.

[38:22]

A lot of it. And, you know, I wrote a few cookbooks and, you know, I sit facing the wall and quietly doing nothing. But you're right. I didn't go to Duke or Stanford or Harvard. In fact, I dropped out of Antioch. And I guess writing cookbooks and being in a movie, I guess it's nothing, is it? So what's the measure of your life, finally? How will you say what kind of life it is for you now or will be? It's time to do something else. It's time to meet this moment, the moment that's never happened before. And give your heart to it. Give your felt sense to it. And it doesn't mean to neglect your head, but your head in harmony with the rest of what's inside.

[39:27]

All right, blessings. Take care. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving. by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click Giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[40:02]

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