This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening, everyone. This lectern here, for years and years I thought, I'm gonna make a new lectern for Tassajara, one that fits perfectly on the meal board. You know, because every time a lecture happens, the lecture has to shuffle back a little bit and the jisha kind of gets caught on the board here. But then after a certain amount of time, like thinking this, every single time, there was a lecture.

[01:07]

I thought, like, how wonderful. How wonderful it is that it doesn't fit. And in that way it fits. There's this fitting and this not fitting. So hopefully... This precious lectern stays with us for all time. Everlasting time. Beginningless time. I wanted to read a story. And I hope you haven't heard it recently. Because you know how sometimes that happens. You hear the same story over and over again. It's called Yaushan Ascends the Seat.

[02:10]

Have you heard that story lately? Yaushan hadn't ascended the seat to lecture for a long time. The temple superintendent said to him, everybody's been wanting instruction for a long time. Please, Master, expound the teaching for the congregation. Yao Shan had him ring the bell. When the congregation had gathered, Yao Shan ascended the seat. After a while, he got right back down from the seat and returned to his room. The superintendent followed after him and asked, A while ago you agreed to expound the teaching for the congregation. Why didn't you utter a single word? Yao Shan said, for scriptures, there are teachers of scriptures. For treatises, there are teachers of treatises. How can you question this old monk? So it's very difficult to give a talk about Zen.

[03:27]

In fact, it's kind of impossible. I can't really talk about Zen so much. And just the talking about it is the practice of it. So just doing this practice, the practice for me right now is giving a lecture. The practice for you is sitting there attentively, in both of these practices, is practicing Zen. But to think I can talk about it is a mistake. This is why it's so tricky. This is why Zen is so tricky. It seems like Zen is something that's done. It's just done. You get up in the morning and you go to meditation.

[04:37]

Then you do some sochi, then you go to breakfast. Or you get up in the morning, you do some yoga. You eat some breakfast, you go to work. Or maybe you just get up in the morning and go to work. Zen is all of that. Which is hard for us to understand because we really want it to be more than that. So we really want to get something from Zen. We really want to get something from our meditation. Sure. Tranquility? Sure. Stability?

[05:41]

Okay. Or for yoga, you know, more flex. I can do this posture or that posture. And our mind reaches out and tries to acquire whatever it is that it desires. So it puts us in a little bit of a bind, right? Why are we doing what we're doing? This is why it's so difficult to talk about. And this is why Yao Shan got down from the seat. He's like, there's nothing really I can say. Please continue with doing your life thing.

[06:43]

And it just happens that sometimes there's a bunch of people who do one thing and another bunch of people that do another thing. That's okay. There's no right way to do this. Actually, Suzuki Roshi in Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, he says something really interesting. He says, Without knowing the origin of things, we cannot appreciate the result of our life's effort. Without knowing the origin of things, we cannot appreciate the result of our life's effort. our effort must have some meaning. To find the meaning of our effort is to find the original source of our efforts.

[07:53]

Without knowing the origin of things. How are you going to do that? If you want to know the meaning of your effort, the meaning of your coming to the zendo, to sit meditation, the meaning of you getting up in the morning, eating breakfast, going to work. If you want to know the meaning of that effort, the effort of your life, you have to go to the original source. You have to find the original source. Otherwise, you know, we can make up stories, we can make up a whole bunch of stories about the meaning of our effort. And we do, don't we? I sit zazen to become more calm, to develop tranquility and serenity, where I do asana to have flex and be limber.

[09:09]

These are our stories. And more than that, we believe them to be true. We believe our stories to be true. We believe our stories, we confuse our stories with the original source of our effort. We have this confusion. So you might be aware of sometimes getting a little agitated about something, or really angry about something, or really happy about something. You notice that something appears. It seems something appears in your awareness.

[10:17]

that gives rise to some mental or bodily sensation maybe it's tightness maybe it's contraction somehow you've associated something that's taking place outside maybe you're in a conversation with somebody and they're saying something to you that isn't very pleasant and you notice that inside There's this tension. There's this tension and this building urge. Right? This urge to say something or do something. Express yourself. Maybe in anger. Maybe in joy. It's the same. But this symbolic association, you know, with... the appearance of something being outside, an internal reaction, or a mental representation, or a story, our story about the world, when our story about the world is challenged.

[11:33]

How is that? When you go inside and look, how is that? When you go inside and look, where do you go? What do you connect with? What needs to be expressed? So this holding on to our stories and our ideas about the way things are, holding on to the results of our effort. If only I could practice asana five days a week, twice a day, I'd be like so great.

[12:37]

You know, I'd feel so good. Or if only I could sit zazen all night long and all day long I'd be enlightened, right? I'd get what I want. So these stories of ours, these inner tensions of ours, the request is to embrace them. To embrace it. To embrace your stories. To embrace your delusion. This is their request. To bring it closer. Do we have a clock somewhere here? Does someone have a clock?

[13:44]

It's two minutes tonight. Two minutes tonight. Thanks. I've been assured that I will be sufficiently punished if I'm not done on time. You know I've been done on Santas. Thank you. So the title of the yoga retreat that we've been on, some of us have been on, is called Being Grace. Being Grace and Finding Effortlessness in All Things. And this is really like Zen practice.

[14:50]

You could say this is really Zen practice, but you could just say practice. You could say yoga practice. say life practice grace comes from establishing yourself in your delusion I know it's kind of weird huh like you think that grace or presence comes from being a certain way like good or something or right or But actually, grace and presence comes from knowing who you are, or knowing this being, knowing this delusion-filled being. So it's grace with delusion, or presence with delusion.

[15:52]

I know it's hard for us because we really want to be another way. We really want to be other than what we are often. So it's very difficult for us. So, these triggers that we have, these hooks that get us, these difficulties that we have, these problems that we have?

[17:01]

How do you find the origin of them? How do you go to the source of them? I'll give you a hint. The hint is it's not outside. So it's inside. I know it's... I still don't believe it. I really don't. And I really, it's like, this isn't true. So I really am caught regularly on a daily basis. I actually believe. I have some idea, some fixed kind of belief about the way things are.

[18:10]

And I will argue with you about that. Because I'm right, actually. This is self-clinging. This is me clinging to myself. Are we allowed to embrace that? Is that allowed in Zen? Are we allowed to embrace our self-clinging? To study it? To own it? to be the boss of it. I could give you permission, but it's just, you know, that's just me and I, you know, I don't really have the authority to do that for you.

[19:21]

You know, I can't even really do it for myself, so. Because there's still this wanting Wanting things to be a certain way. All the time. So... Can we embrace our delusion? Can we bring our full attention to what's actually happening without seeking it to be a different way or without seeking a specific result from our efforts?

[20:33]

This is very challenging because we're so acquisition-oriented, right? Our culture is so supportive of acquisition mind. And we are actually very supportive of acquisition mind. It really actually helps us quite a bit to have this mind of acquisition, to have this mind of wanting. It helps us because we can then identify ourselves. We can identify ourselves and we can feel somewhat safe and secure. Like we know something. Safe and secure like we know something. This is very helpful.

[21:38]

It's very useful for us. to know things. I like coffee in the morning. And I do things, I arrange things in my life to have that manifest itself, like every morning. And I do get a little bit, like if that doesn't happen, You know, I do get a little like, why isn't this happening? You know? And this is me like thinking, this is me like, I'm already at the result, right? I'm already drinking the coffee before I'm drinking the coffee. You know I try, but it is coffee after all.

[22:49]

And... You know, the request... When I hear the request is, you know, when I... When I look underneath... my self-clinging. And when I look underneath the efforts that I make in support of my self-clinging, when I look under there, there's a request. And the request is, Pay attention. Pay attention. And remember.

[23:57]

Pay attention and remember. Full remembrance. Full attention. Moment after moment. Each moment. And I'm still going to think about, I'm still going to do some things to have my coffee in the morning. Still do those things. It's not that I abandon those things. It's just those things become like, the result becomes secondary. The request is, make the result secondary. Make your full attention secondary. in your full remembrance, moment after moment, make that what's most important. And you can share, too.

[25:06]

You can share this with other people. You can give it to other people. Actually, it's a very rare form of generosity. giving someone your complete attention. Giving someone your complete attention without the need to give them your stories. Right? Just to give them your attention. To really try to understand them from their own side. Uh-oh, I've lost the clock. Oh, here it is, okay.

[26:17]

Hmm. And this establishing yourself in your delusion and bringing to it your full attention and full remembrance. And sharing this gift with others. One other thing that I'd like to add to that is persistence.

[27:27]

Because we don't get what we want, right? We don't get what we're trying to get. So this persistence is bringing our full attention and our full awareness to each moment, to the effort in each moment. And to do it in such a way that we take care, that we have a love. To do it in such a way that actually, moment after moment, studying our effort and studying our delusion creates a locus of love.

[28:43]

that is our stability, that is our ground. The love is, the love is what is our connection, actually. It's us together. It's I am like you, you are like me. establishing ourselves in delusion, practicing delusion, and embracing the awakeness that comes from that, the vitality that comes from that, the truth that comes to that, and the honesty that comes from that. So, in our practice, as we go forward, I hope that enlightenment isn't necessary for you.

[30:11]

That you don't need that anymore. That you can put that down. That you can put down... who you want to be in the future, that you can put down who you want your partner to be in the future, or your friend, or this person or that person, or the way you want the world to turn out, or your life to turn out. I hope that moving forward we can relax this a little bit and bring our full attention in full remembrance to the moment-after-moment effort that we make in doing whatever it is that we do. It could look like fixing cars. It could look like washing dishes. It could look like changing beds. It could look like being in a courthouse.

[31:16]

It could be an anasana. It could be in zazen. Moment after moment, returning to the Source. There's a... There's a quote by one of Suzuki Roshi's teachers. Nishirai Boksan he said only when we make this body and mind a platform for meditation so this only when we make this body and mind a platform for meditation does the Dharma become our own

[32:21]

Meaning, does the truth become our own? Requires you to be here, wherever you are. So please don't be afraid. Please continue and enjoy yourself. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click giving.

[33:23]

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