This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. As I was sitting down, you know, each morning I've come in, bow to my seat and blow out this light. And I thought, I wonder how long we're going to do this. And what it reminded me of is the workings of my mind. A painter told me once, oil painter he said that he was painting and his teacher said put a red dot right there in the middle of that landscape there's an enlivening quality you know it's it's the particulars

[01:28]

It's the details that are enlivening. They draw us into the sound bogakaya. They draw us into engagement, interaction, the mutuality of giving and receiving. And I was thinking, We do all these little dances, these little pieces of theater. Somewhere, I assume, it says in the notes, it's very, very important to light the cursing lamp. And someone dutifully, vowing to uphold the forms and traditions, lights a lamp. And then I walk in and go, I didn't need a lamp.

[02:31]

A normal mind immediately leaps to right and wrong. Which is the right way? Which is the wrong way? Who's to blame? Who's to be praised? How are we going to sort this out? How are we going to get it? How are we going to do it properly? just a little shift, you know. The theater of it has its own kind of intrigue, delight. We're upholding something carefully, diligently, devotedly.

[03:42]

And then we're finding today's version right along with it. We're upholding the world according to me, carefully, diligently, devotedly. And then today just sort of presents itself. Okay, that's fine and dandy, but here am I. Cold winter morning. At times it has seemed that when I first came here it was an old self. I recognized in the silent wall in the creek below but the self has no age as I knew even then and had known for longer than I could remember as the sky has no sky except itself this white morning in February at times

[05:03]

It has seemed that when I first came here, it was an old self that I recognized in the silent wall and the creek below. But the self has no age, as I knew even then and had known for longer than I could remember, as the sky has no sky except itself this white morning in February. I doctored a few words. As far as I know, it's still not illegal. Maybe it is. Cold spring morning. Accepted itself this white morning in May. May? You know, I was trained as an engineer, civil engineer.

[06:24]

Sometimes I think my approach to practice is the engineered approach. Lay down the foundation. Foundation, attitude, intention, effort. Attitude including Perspective. You've got a conditioned self. Whether you like it or not, you've got one. It's a package deal. It's what comes with being alive. And actually, you probably like it and don't like it. And all sorts of other feelings in relationship to it, too. probably parts of it you're painfully aware of and parts of it you're oblivious to so intention okay I'm here to look at that I'm here to see what that's about how that

[07:52]

gives access to what's happening, how that blocks, sensors, distorts what's happening. I'm here to see that, to see through that, and discover how to live. life in a more liberated and awakened way effort it's no easy matter having a human life AIGAN has been taking medications for being HIV positive for a long time.

[08:58]

Now, the medicine, I don't know if you could say it's become its own disease, but it's taking a toll. Each of us has particular circumstances in our life we're living with no maybe sometimes we really really wish we didn't have to maybe sometimes we hope this practice is going to fix all that But with a little thought we see an effort of practice based on that. It's going to miss the point.

[10:06]

It's going to be preoccupied with what we want, with what should happen, with what we want to stop happening, with who we want to be. the world we want to live in, then we're going to miss a simpler effort, a more direct effort, a more appropriate effort. Be what is. This effort that conjures up the capacity, the engagement that turns towards the arising, that stays close. Whatever body of Buddha we're in, whether the world is concrete and well-defined,

[11:22]

Notice concrete thinking. Notice the conviction. Notice the substantiality of that perspective. Usually it has a supportive, a reinforcing, a confirming emotional quality. an enduring existence we need it here we plug it up from the past we pull it from the future can we see the quality of such a way of

[12:32]

experiencing what's happening. And in those moments of direct experiencing, in those moments where the self is forgotten, where the powerful, authoritative stories of our life are forgotten, the energy of immediacy resonates thoughtlessly and then the interplay the moving back and forth we have our moment of direct experience, and then often we swiftly wrap it back up inside the world according to me.

[13:47]

How else can it have meaning, relevance? How else can it contribute to understanding or concluding And the sambhogakaya, the interplay, at the heart of every formulation is the dormant gate to direct experiencing. The tricky part of our practice is our intention That's engagement. Follow your breath. Okay?

[14:59]

Light the lamp. Okay? But then, whatever happens, happens. But the lamp's supposed to be lit, and it's not lit. hey, was the instructions wrong? Are you wrong? Something's got to be wrong. But I'm following my breath and now there's a feeling. I'm getting distracted. Things are not going according to plan. It is what it is. the attention, the effort, they bring about going beyond human agency, going beyond what I can do.

[16:14]

They invite, they invite The arising moment invites us out of the world according to me, invites us out of the breath according to me, the body according to me, the me according to me. turning towards whatever arises. And it's not so easy to talk about. In one of his Dharma talks, Suzuki Roshi said, pay attention to your breathing, but not too much.

[17:23]

of course translate exactly what he meant right now. Pay attention to your breathing and be available for whatever paying attention to your breathing brings up. Let paying attention to your breathing initiate paying attention. That quality of attention, it has a nimbleness, it has a versatility, it has a capacity to attend to what's happening rather than fixate on what should or what should not happen. It's quite a challenge to be dedicated, persistent, consistent, and also be versatile, adaptive.

[18:52]

It's a curious combination. Surely there are some things we just shouldn't think or feel. What if we're already thinking them or feeling them? It's not possible to go backwards. We can regret, we can resent, we can deny, but we can't go backwards. do we incorporate that into our effort so I've been trying to say something like steady as she goes no just kind of attitude we're in this for the long haul

[20:04]

know that's the marvelous thing about a practice period she seemed over after today but there's no big whoop-dee-doo there's another one just coming down the track nobody getting too excited Look at it as she goes. Using some verb like noticing. We're not manufacturing the moment. We're just noticing it. Huh, look at that. The almost unbelievable thing is that this wild and wooly mind that seems so... The marvelous, truly marvelous thing about the mind is the more closely, the more exactly that you pay attention,

[21:43]

the more you notice it's out of control. When you sort of pay attention, you think, ah, it's not that great. My control's not that great. Sort of okay, it's not that great. Then you pay more and more attention, and you see the mind flickers in an instant. Can grasp at anything, can avert anything. conjures up a feeling quicker than thought. Its repertoire of ideas is apparently endless. You know, if you pause for a moment, I mean, that is great news. You know, it really is. We are so alive. room we're just capable of thinking so much and feeling so much responding so much noticing noticing noticing staying close nonsense looks at Joshua you know and and he looks so earnest and sincere

[23:13]

Josh is looking at him. Okay, great teacher. Come on, tell me. I'm going to throw my whole being into it. Just, you know, what cliff do I have to jump off? What great rock do I have to move? What river do I have to swallow? Okay. Ordinary mind. Just notice. Just stay close. Just when you stray away come back it's already here and as we get closer to here why does that familiarity feel like enmity Because that mind with its utter genius for creating stories has created some doozies.

[24:27]

Can you stay close even to that? So this as a basis. That's what I've been trying to impart, this session, this basis. Okay, that's what we're doing here. We're going to do all sorts of other things, you know, but that's it. In the service of staying close and noticing what we are, singularly, collectively, and supporting each other. I was looking at Dagon's eyes this morning, you know. He looked weary. A little frightened.

[25:39]

mark so present going through the list of questions his training taught him to do how is your respiration let me take your pulse have you drunk any liquid The Sambhogakaya. The three bodies of Buddha. In good health. And in bad health. In cold weather. And in warm weather. In Sashin.

[26:54]

Ida Sashin. inside in the bathhouse and I would say to you when we are such a one something in us is deeply relieved this is what I want to be I don't want to be crazy rushing around with my eyes shut bumping into things. I don't want to be tossed and turned by my own wicked stories. I want to be one who returns to a basic

[27:56]

that looks at the world and says, can I help? Are you okay? That looks back at the self and holds the struggling, sometimes blatant, sometimes subtle, It holds it tenderly. The first noble truth is suffering. So it is. I see it and feel it right here in this one. When we stay close to such a one, something in us is relieved. we stray when we jump back into all those amazing concoctions of our mind and emotions great patience the momentum the tenacity of habit

[29:22]

Then on top of your foundation, you put, just to give you a little education on engineering, since that's really what this is all about, right? You put a frame. conditioned existence. What's arising is a co-creation. Everything's a co-creation. Maybe one part came out of your own memory and the response of the moment.

[30:39]

someone presented themselves in your line of vision how that person is assessed connected to thought of associated with seeing them you're seeing part of yourself how much of one how much of the other oh that's a great question check it out explore it Everything's impermanent. It comes and it goes. Sometimes it's a very helpful thing to note in Shishin. Oh, that thing that was just dug in me all morning doesn't exist anymore right now. It's just not here. The perspective, the image, the feeling ain't happening. It's a very helpful thing to note sometimes.

[31:44]

Powerful and painful as it is, it's impermanent. Satipatthana Sutra says, notice when it's there, notice when it's not there. Impermanent. qualities we attribute to it, good and bad, right and wrong. They're contextual. Is it good to light the lamp? Is it bad to light the lamp? Is it good to blow it out? Is it bad to blow it out? Well, we could play a little parlor game and come up with reasons why

[32:49]

Every one of those is right. So we'll write a few. It may seem a little bit academic, intellectual, abstract. But when it's held in reference to the ingrained patterns of our thoughts that insist upon permanence, that insist upon independent separate existence. That thing that has arisen for you that's so powerful

[33:51]

It's just something that arose. Not to say it's not powerful, not to say it's not painful, but still it's just something that arose. And it's going to go away. Maybe the pattern of mind will keep bringing it back, but that's an interesting thing to notice too. this interplay, the established self and the power of it, however it formulates itself, and its inherent changeability, the emptiness of it. So as we start to create some kind of closeness, as we start to create some kind of presence, as we start to create some kind of space in between the urgent stories of the self, we can offer the Dharma into that space.

[35:21]

This is the frame, the framework, the frame of reference. Maybe it would be nice if all the other frames of references, ways of thinking that have accumulated over a lifetime would be quiet. They won't. They'll be quiet some of the times. Some of the times they might be quite silent. Most likely, they'll want to have their say too. So this quiet, steady, staying close to this so it can illuminate the workings, the conditioned nature, the thought patterns, the feeling patterns, the physiological patterns, the respiratory patterns, Patterns of action, behaving, of turning towards, of turning away.

[36:36]

Something in us feels like my life depends upon resolving my thoughts and feelings. really. They're just conditioned. And if you watch for a while, that very same thought that just has to be resolved, you know, it's going to change. I'll never be really happy until I meet someone who I just, who's my soulmate. I just won't be happy until that happens. That's just a thought. Sorry. I know that's not very romantic. And it's probably imbued with wonderful feelings, or maybe desperate feelings, but it's still just a thought and feeling.

[37:54]

And maybe it has a physiological resonance, but that's just a physiological resonance. Not to take a sledgehammer to the life we have. In fact, quite the opposite. To hold it as tenderly as possible. But to not get confused into thinking our thoughts and feelings are the reality. They are a reality. So we lay the foundation, the steady pulse of practice. And it affords us this marvelous opportunity to introduce into our lives that which starts to release suffering, that which starts to illuminate the self, that which starts to open the Dharma gate of liberation.

[39:08]

And in our style, we don't do it in a big triumphant way. We just eat our lunch and then wash our bowls. Because we're human, while we eat our lunch and wash our bowls, we'll think and feel all sorts of things. We'll interact with each other in all sorts of amazing ways. There will be plenty to practice with. The dharmas will unfold right there. The three dharma, the three Buddha bodies will be expressing themselves right there. And to bring the tokusan, rattling right along here.

[40:18]

To bring the Dokusan, your current version of it. Robert Bly wrote a book that he called A Lover in Two Worlds. A lover in the world of self and a lover in the world of no self. I don't think that's at all what he meant, but that's what I'm saying. It's not a contest between them. I'm going to go back to my cabin and be myself. Okay. Stay close. Check it out. I'm going to go to the Zen Dua and be no self. I'm going to be this upright Zen monk.

[41:28]

Virtuous and liberated. Wonderful. To love them both. To commit to them both. To discover how they harmonize. To discover how sometimes it seems so simple. How sometimes it seems so elusive. Sometimes it seems so painful. Dagon was talking about the jabbing, aching pains in his body.

[42:32]

And then the three of us were remarking, we're saying, yeah, but it is sashim. And you know what your body's like in sashim. It's a wild thing, you know. It has jabbing, startling, tingling, everything. Then the bell rings and you stand up and you're as right as ring. You get a little sleep and it's like, ah, that was nothing. In the middle of it, you go into some dark cave of a body. It's apparently reliving all sorts of things. this is our practice this is what we've set ourselves up for this is what we're asking of ourselves and asking of each other you know can we do that in a steady way letting

[44:05]

All the little details teach us. In an ordinary way and an extraordinary way. And giving each other some kind of benefit of the doubt. And somebody seems to be getting a little weird. Well, just think of the times when you've been a little weird. And check it out. Maybe they need a moment to themselves. Maybe they need me to come and just listen. Together we create a collective sanctuary that each of us can start the trust, that we can enter into the unknown without our usual defenses and strategies in full operation.

[45:36]

this is what we can offer each other you know the power one of the part of the power of the zendo is we can sit in a kind of wordless limbic resonance create a collective presence and intimacy but also to carry that out. Because we're not just a no-self. We're a self to carry that intimacy into our interactions. And to carry it

[46:46]

and practice discussion okay in this realm of three Buddha bodies here is where I'm at here's what's coming up here's how I'm practicing with it or Beats me how to practice with it. Got any ideas? No? To carry the intimacy off our cushion, to carry the sense of physical presence off our cushion in the kinhin, to carry the connection, the breath, our cushion into work with a strange mix of diligence and something close to ease as best we can usually we all get a little up

[48:15]

tight now and then. Try not to make it a habit. Try not to imbue it with self-importance, righteousness. We're just trying to be sincere and diligent. So that's the engineering of Zen. Next step, build a 100-foot pole. And then just in case you're wondering, then what you do is you climb up it and take a step off the top. Thank you.

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Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfzc.org and click Giving.

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