Good evening. Some people have been talking to me lately about how to, it's come up in different ways, how to have enough energy to finish out the summer, how to encourage their crews or their crewmates, you know, they can see other people's energy flagging or negative states of mind coming up, how to help that. I have a family event that's about to happen, and in the middle of the night, I've been getting mysterious messages from my mind of, oh, that needs to be taken care of, or no, what about that?

[01:12]

After I have a few hours sleep, then suddenly I'm awake and I'm thinking. Probably some of you do that. If you think in the middle of the night, it can be really dangerous. but also some useful things have come up and things I haven't thought about during the day. So that's happened for numerous nights now in a row, and this morning I was like, I am really tired. And usually, although also I'm getting old, but usually I have pretty strong energy, but this morning I was like, okay, I can make it through zazen. So I made it through zazen and service, and I went up to my room to change to do soji as temple cleaning, you know, that little sweeping and setting the tables thing that we do. And I was coming out of my room, and I was like, ugh, I feel terrible. And I remember this, the people have been asking me, you know, how do you deal with this?

[02:14]

And I thought, okay, let's see. Okay. How do you actually deal with it? How would you actually deal with it? So I tried to just like, okay, what is actually, you know, be there with what's actually happening because I was starting to have all these negative thoughts. You know, they just would just like arise like, soji? I do the, usually I do my soji sweeping on this side of the zender. You might see me sometimes and I sweep the various steps kind of at my whim, unless he tells me to do something, which he usually doesn't. So when I do the, this is just an aside, a little window into my mind, when I'm sweeping the big steps, I always think of myself as sort of like a Greek myth that is defying gravity, because the sand and the rocks are all like moving that way.

[03:15]

They're flowing downhill. And I sweep them up into a dustpan and I carry them uphill a few feet to slow their progress into the creek. I am trying single-handedly to keep Tassajara from ending up in the ocean. So I was feeling the burden of that this morning when I decided I should try to experiment with how do you actually work with this? negative state so i just took my own advice which i tell people sometimes and you know came i i expressed this came closer to where i was and wasn't so much like thinking about it like what a terrible state i was in uh and so i noticed you know like okay my eyes feel heavy my body feels kind of heavy i have a headache Okay.

[04:18]

That was pretty much it. I have a headache. I feel heavy. My eyes feel kind of like, not swollen exactly, but puffy or heavy. And I'm walking along the path here toward the steps, and actually there's a kind of nice breeze. It's cool this morning, and okay. I still feel that way, but I'm going along, and I'm sweeping, and I'm saving Tassajara from gravity, and then I'm eating breakfast, and then I was talking to my dear friend Chris, and I realized, I actually feel good now. I still have a headache, but actually there's some... So for me, and it's not this way for everybody, but often for me, and maybe it's not even this way for me all the time, but this morning with Chris it was, that that kind of energy from somebody else, I was feeling better with that.

[05:23]

So whether I would always feel that way or you would feel that way or whatever, one thing it said to me was how fleeting in a way or constructed these states are. How my sense of my state of being tired and dragging and all, I could have much more kept a hold of that, kept it solid. But if I didn't do that, then it was, who knew what it was going to be. It might have gotten worse by chance. There was Chris, so it was better. Could have been somebody else, and it might have been worse. So I wanted to, some of you have heard this before, it's one of my favorite passages in Dogen, and I hope you can stand to listen to it again. I think it's related to this. It's the last passage in Only a Buddha and a Buddha, and it's Dogen waxing eloquent on fish and birds, as he sometimes does.

[06:34]

There has been a saying since olden times, no one except a fish knows a fish's heart. No one except a bird follows a bird's trace. Yet those who understand this... It's going to be interesting to see whether I can see this. Yet those who understand this principle are rare. To think that no one knows a bird's heart or a bird's... Excuse me, a fish's heart or a bird's trace is mistaken. You should know that fish always know one another's hearts. unlike people who do not know one another's hearts. But when fish try to... something... Oh, excuse me. When fish try to go up through the Dragon Gate, which is falls or rapids in one of the big rivers in China, they call it the Dragon Gate.

[07:36]

And actually, the myth is... or the story is, or the fact maybe is, that when fish go through the dragon gate, they turn into dragons. But anyway, he's just saying when they go through the dragon gate, when they try to go up through the dragon gate, they always know one another's heart. They know one another's intention and have the same heart, actually. Or they share the heart of breaking through the nine great bends, which is another... That's in the Wang River, I guess, where there are nine bends and, again, have these rapids. Those who are not fish hardly know this. Somehow Dogen knows it, and we trust him or not. Anyway, it's a beautiful sentiment, right? Fish know fish's hearts. Again, when a bird flies in the sky, beasts do not know... or even dream of finding or following their trace.

[08:37]

So we don't know that they leave a trace, and neither do other beasts. As they do not know that there is such a thing, they do not even imagine this. However, a bird can see the traces of hundreds and thousands of small birds having passed by in flocks, or traces of many lines of large birds having flown south or north. those traces may be even more evident than carriage tracks left on a road or the hoofprint of a horse seen in the grass. In this way, a bird sees a bird's trace. This is not all of it, but I'll stop there for a minute. You know, what he says about People don't know this. People don't know one another's trace. I think we've experienced that, right? Like we look at another person.

[09:42]

I was just saying to Ymir, this event that's happening is my daughter's getting married, and I said, I don't know why. She's already married. They're married. She has a baby. She's having another baby. She has a wonderful husband, but she wants to have a wedding. I do not understand this. I don't understand her heart. I'm like, is she crazy? I don't know. But it does not do any good for me to try to figure out what is going on for her, you know, to try to, like, analyze it or judge it. I mean, I've discovered this. It doesn't work. So this kind of—and, you know, there are more serious misunderstandings, you know, where we— Something happens, and what was it? And often we don't even know that we don't understand it. We actually think we do understand it. But the other person thinks something different has happened.

[10:46]

So if someone says something harsh to you, you probably have some idea of what they were doing, what was going on with them. This is... Most often, people not understanding each other. But Dogen's bringing up this possibility of actually having the same heart, actually having the same intention of seeing how we are living. So he goes on to say, Buddhas are like this. So Buddhas, just for your information... Buddhas are human beings who are no longer just seeing things from their own perspective. It's not that they can see everything, but they can see that their perspective is just their perspective and that there's a wider world out there.

[11:49]

They aren't just experiencing the world as how it is for me. If it's bad for me, it's bad. If it's good for me, it's good. So, you know, we all have some experience of that, but Buddhas do this kind of radically, you know, like they actually can see, oh, this is part of a whole. I am part of a whole. I'm part of a functioning whole. And that experience, really, of being part of a functioning whole allows Buddhas to have this same experience Knowing the heart of another person, just like a fish knows the heart of another fish, or a bird knows the heart of another bird. Buddhas are like this. You may wonder how many lifetimes Buddhas have been... I'm sorry, I should have written this in darker ink for this light. Buddhas have been practicing.

[12:51]

Buddhas, large and small, although they are countless, all know their own traces. You never know a Buddha's traces when you are not a Buddha. You may wonder why you do not know. The reason is that while Buddhas see these traces with a Buddha's eye, those who are not Buddhas do not have a Buddha's eye and just notice the Buddha's attributes. So this is that where... If we're seeing things from my separate position, then we see the attributes. We see, was this a good thing for me? No. Then it was a bad thing that happened. If this person was harsh to me, then they have a problem. Or I have a problem because they're angry at me. There's some... judgment that comes in there trying to make sense out of the world just from my point of view like that hurt me so it clouds our view of what's going on over there if we can have a Buddha eye which means or one way of saying what it means is that we actually see the dependent core rising that's one way of explaining it when you see something you actually you don't necessarily see all the parts of it but the

[14:16]

dependent co-arising of this being or this action are to some extent apparent to you. So a dependent co-arising means how this thing happened. So again, you may not see all the details of how it happened, but for instance, if someone says something harsh to you, you know, if you're a Buddha, you know already that this is has to do with much more than just you. It's not just how this is for you. It's like many things are going on in their life, their current life, their past life, the situation all around. It's apparent to you already, this is a bigger thing than just me. And it doesn't mean you lose your place in it. You're still there. You're still a person with a body, with a mind. with emotions that has received this harsh these harsh words so but all of that is there there's room for all of it it doesn't just get narrowed down to that person was mean to me or that person needs to know not to do that anymore or I never want to be around that person again there's a there's a bigger dependent co-arising story around it

[15:43]

One way of describing this Buddha perspective is called not one, not two. It's like we don't become one with the other person. We're not really experiencing it from their side, but we're also not separate from them. So we're not two. We're not a totally separate being in this world, but we're not with any of it either. We still have this separate body that is playing a part in this big mandala of dependent core rising, how everything is happening, how the universe is happening. All who do not know should search out the traces of a Buddha. If we don't know how to do this, we should search out the traces of a Buddha's path.

[16:58]

If you find footprints, you should investigate whether they are the Buddha's. So, you know, I think probably all of us don't know, actually don't know how to do this, and it doesn't always occur to us, oh, this person's, you know... Many, many things are going on in this person's life, and it isn't all just about me. Most of us go around most of the time thinking, this is about me. That's about me, and that's about me, and whatever you're thinking, it's about me. We tend to do that. So if we notice that that is how we're functioning, that's what happens for us, then Dogen suggests that we should search out the traces of a Buddhist path. And to do that, again, this is looking at the situation, your life, whatever's happening now, and noticing, are there footprints?

[18:02]

Now, footprints can be actually anything that happens. Anything that happens internally, anything that happens externally. This is like, in our world, this big world, something happens that leaves a footprint. It's just like the birds leaving traces in the sky. We don't always see them, but the footprints are there. They're happening all around us. So if you are looking for what's the trace of a Buddha's path? How do you see the world like a Buddha? What would be the path that a Buddha would be on, someone who wasn't feeling separate from everything else, but feeling like they were a functioning part of it? Then you open your eyes and something happens, and it's a footprint in this world. And then you ask, is this the footprint of a Buddha? He says, if you see footprints, you should investigate whether they are the Buddha's.

[19:07]

On being investigated, the Buddha's trace is known, and whether it is long or short, shallow or deep, is also known. To illuminate your trace is accomplished by studying the Buddha's trace. Accomplishing this is Buddha Dharma. So here's this footprint. Something has happened. If we're going to investigate it, the question is, is this somehow a Buddha's footprint? Is this... So let's take this situation of somebody saying harsh words to you. And then you have a reaction. In that situation, there are actually several Buddha footprints. Everything that happens is a Buddha footprint. There's the person. There's their saying harsh words.

[20:09]

There's you having a reaction. Any of those things can be studied for, is this could this possibly be a Buddha footprint? Could this have something to do with the non-separation, the dependent co-arising of everything, the fact that there's the possibility of moving things, maybe only a little bit, but moving things a little bit toward less suffering instead of more suffering? Those are the questions about, is it a Buddha? So we could look at any parts of those, but it's... The most information for each of us is if we look at our part. Because if we look at their part, if we look at whatever their face looks like at that time, whatever we think about why they said harsh words, it's almost absolutely necessary that we go to our thinking about it. Because we don't have so much more information.

[21:10]

We're just interpreting them. But if we go to our part of it, if we go to... how we received it, how we responded to their harsh words, and get as close as we can to that experience and have this questioning mind, whether we say it, even going to words is kind of dangerous because we start to think about it and start to analyze it and get a little further away from it, but to stay as close as we can to the experience but have this questioning, is there some way that this response is is a Buddha footprint, is somehow a way of being in the world that can cause less suffering instead of more suffering, is somehow dependently coerisen with everything else and actually fits in. So if we stay close to our response, then, according to Dogen, if we investigate it,

[22:14]

If it is a Buddha's footprint, a Buddha's trace, a trace of Buddha-ness, it will become apparent. Sometimes it takes a little while. Sometimes we have to look at it for a while before we can see what about this is manifesting how dependent core rising happens, how the world works with all its parts. And where is the, again, maybe big, but maybe small move that can be made toward less suffering instead of more suffering? That's what we can find out in our own inner working, in studying our traces, studying and looking for, is there any footprint of a Buddha here? We can do this kind of investigating and understanding learn the hearts of ourself. Learn our hearts.

[23:15]

See what's going on. How do we cause suffering? Is there any way to not cause suffering or to cause less suffering? And then we actually understand other people. To the extent that we can do that, then when we look at other people, again, we don't know exactly what's going on with them, but we're in the realm. We're in the complex realm of how people live and how we might be able to turn things a little bit i wanted to this is a poem that many of you have heard before maybe all of you given who you are It's a Mary Oliver poem, and I want to read it to you.

[24:16]

And then if you have anything you'd like to add or questions you'd like to ask, we have a few minutes, I think. This is the wild geese poem. Right. You know that one, right? But it's a great one. You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for 100 miles away. through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about your despair and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile, the world goes on. Meanwhile, the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across landscapes, over prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers, Meanwhile, the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to you, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting, over and over, announcing your place in the family of things.

[25:32]

Do you have anything you'd like to say or ask? You should, because I might have said something confusing that you could help people understand, but if you don't, it's okay. I'm sorry. Yes, Elliot. Pardon? Would I read the poem again? Yes, I can. Maybe, if my eyes haven't given out. You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about your despair and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile, the world goes on. Meanwhile, the sun and the clear pebbles of rain are moving across landscapes, over prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers.

[26:49]

Meanwhile, the wild geese, high in the clear blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to you, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting. over and over, announcing your place in the family of things. Anything else? Yes, Laura. I just had a question. Sometimes it feels like the very thing that gets in the way of actually experiencing my experience is the sense, like, I ought not to, like, I ought not to be so impatient and tired. Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Yeah, I think that's exactly right. I've experienced the same thing. And sometimes it's, I shouldn't feel this way.

[27:54]

And sometimes, like, I should be stronger or something. And sometimes I shouldn't have to feel this way. The world shouldn't be doing this to me. And either one of those things, I think you're exactly right. It's like imagining that there's another better reality that is very close, if I could just get there. But it really distracts us from the one that's here. So it's a huge step to get past this judgment critique of, is this the right world? Yeah. Am I the right one now? And I think we're going around most of the time, especially if something uncomfortable happens or painful or unpleasant. It's like we immediately flip to, oops, wrong, wrong, wrong. You know, lights start flashing like it's not okay. It's not okay that I'm unhappy in this way. And whose fault is it?

[28:57]

Two choices, mine or theirs. And to get... To notice that when it happens and go like, wait a minute, come back to this reality because of dependent co-arising, because everything comes from everything, because the whole world made this moment happen, which includes everything, which includes exactly how I feel at this moment. Right now, this is right. It doesn't mean right like I should make an argument for it. It doesn't mean right like it's going to be this way in a minute. It means right now this is who I am. This is the feeling I'm having. And is it a good feeling or a bad feeling? It's irrelevant, really. That's this, in the human realm of separation, where I can stand back and look at the world and say, well, this is wrong and this is wrong and this is right from my point of view.

[29:59]

is different than the world that's actually happening, which is like the geese. It's like the rain falling on the prairies. There's a world that's happening in that way that we can actually join. And when we're there, we have the possibility of living more accurately in a way that actually creates less suffering instead of more. And then how to do that is is very particular to that moment. So there's no recipe for that that's a general one. It's like, get there and stay there a little bit, and then you see little movements that can be made that actually lessen suffering. Like this morning when I was telling myself these stories about how, it's like, wait a minute. Actually, my eyes feel heavy, and I have a headache, and I'm walking down the path. And right away, I didn't suffer as much. Thank you.

[31:04]

Anything else? Yes, Chris. I loved you before. Now I love you even more. I've always thought over the years, how does Leslie do this? All these years of just being you in the midst of Sometimes it seems to me impossible pressure in situations. And that was a really beautiful Buddha footprint. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You know, I have been so lucky to be here. And Tassajara really supports this kind of... scene... How are we doing this? I mean, I certainly cause myself lots of suffering and cause other people suffering too. If I'm not causing you suffering, just come closer.

[32:07]

Ask my family. I cause them suffering. But, you know, having really been so blessed as to be here, anyway, but it's not just here. Hasara actually works just like every place else. It just has a lot of support for seeing it, for being simple enough and far enough away and complicated enough so that the regular old human things happen here with enough time, space around them to see them. Thank you. And the transparent honesty to just say what you said, which is you're a human being. Yeah. And we all are. And we all are. Yes. Thank you. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma.

[33:11]

For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[33:17]

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