morning I can't see a thing okay so one day young Sean called to his assistant bring me the rhinoceros fan His assistant replied, the fan is broken. Niyanshan said, well, if the fan is broken, then bring me the rhinoceros. The assistant had no reply. Zifu drew a circle, and in the center, he wrote the word rhino. So this is the kind of story that attracted me to Zen in the first place.

[01:03]

You know, I really don't know what's going on. Really. And yet somehow I'm drawn in, you know, like to a tiny wrapped gift sitting on a chair. So I am attracted by the intimacy of these three men and whatever this thing is called a rhinoceros fan. But mostly I'm attracted to the intensity and the mystery at the core of the story itself. And for me, Zen lessons are all about drawing us in. You know, come closer. Come closer to me. We have a secret to share. So that in turn reminded me of a visit I made years ago to the Steinhardt Aquarium. where I spend a great deal of time staring at the alligators. I don't know how many of you have been there, but there's a beautiful wrought iron enclosure.

[02:10]

I think it's seahorses. Is that right? Yeah. And it's still there, although there are quite a few alligators are missing. I think there are only two now. There used to be lots of them in there. Anyway, I was staring at this large one laying on rock for a very long time, waiting to see if it would do anything at all. And then, as I began to lose interest, the alligator blinked. So I stayed there, watching, waiting. Another long period of time went by, and as I lost interest again, he or she blinked again. And now I was totally hooked. And I began to notice that there was a very strong pull inside of myself to get closer to the alligator.

[03:17]

In fact, I wanted to poke him. Poke that old lumpy log and see what would happen. I don't know if that pole was fear or love or that simple dumb mammalian curiosity. But anyway, it sent a chill through my blood. A chill and a thrill. He and I have a very old relationship, a big reptile in me. It goes back for hundreds and thousands of years. So then I had to exert some will, actually, to move away from the tank.

[04:22]

It felt like there was some kind of recoil required. But since that time, I have been thoroughly convinced that the alligator has in his toolkit for gathering his dinner a talent for enchantment. So an attraction to Zen and an attraction to alligators are really very closely related. As one of my teachers once said, the Reverend Paul Disco, Zen is not about what you're going to get. It's about what you're going to lose. And I think the same could be said about a relationship with an alligator. So with that as an introduction, what I really want to talk about today are the holidays. Because we are deeply inside of them.

[05:23]

And as for my own personal history, I was raised as a Christian child, so what I'm going to talk about will include some of that history. Because I do have both a love and a hate relationship with the Christmas season. I think they used to be called the holy days. The holy days. So when I was... Oh my goodness. Who is that? Oh, it's the big guy. And that sounded like a duck. Is it my fault? Really? How's that? It's okay? All right.

[06:29]

She said don't move. That's easy to say. Okay, so what was I saying? When you were little. When I was little. I was trained to have this irrational excitement for several weeks with the approach of Christmas. We were not allowed to touch anything, to open any doors, to look under the beds. And then at some point there were all these wrapped gifts that we couldn't shake or weigh. It was a kind of induced psychosis, really. It explains a lot. but many things. But anyway, and then came Christmas morning, and we each grabbed a chair and piled our things on it and ripped open the gifts, which had to be preceded by our parents getting themselves a cup of coffee. No one touched anything until they had coffee.

[07:33]

But what followed was... The same letdown that always happens at the acquisition of mere things. So disappointing. And then there's overeating from the stocking, all those sweets. So by the end of the day, I really felt sick. And that wave of disappointment was completely all there was. Bunch of dumb stuff that I really thought I wanted. Anyway, so maybe that helps you to understand my dual relationship with Christmas. Because even so, to this very day, I am compelled to recreate that situation in my own family home. In fact, I spent the last week decorating the tree, hanging the stockings, making cookies, wrapping presents, and telling my daughter not to touch anything.

[08:37]

So I seem to be drawn to this process the same way I was drawn to the glowing eyes of the blinking alligator. And this is what the Buddha called the first noble truth of suffering. It's exactly how it works. I even read once in the scriptures that the Buddha himself had some... difficult days during the celebrations. You know, there's a very famous story of him at an agricultural festival when he was 14 years old, and everyone else was having a good time. They were enjoying the food and the entertainments and the plowing of the fields, but where they saw pleasure, all he saw was terrible pain. You know, he saw the oxen being whipped, all the little creatures being torn from their nests by the plow, the sweat on the faces of the farmers, you know, so he just got more and more depressed.

[09:45]

And if that wasn't enough, overhead was the circling of the vultures, you know, saying, you know, when is our turn for the feast? Come closer, come closer to me. So nowadays we would send such a child to a therapist, don't you think? And his parents pretty much tried to do that. They tried to shelter him from the facts of life and to protect him from a knowledge of suffering, of aging and sickness and death. But he wasn't relieved of his pain until he actually woke up from his own personal nightmare. So this is the same assignment that each of us has from the day of our birth until now, to wake up from our... our dreams, whatever it is that we're dreaming about, that keeps us isolated and separated from the world and from one another.

[10:51]

And it's my memory that I came into this room in the first place to find out how to do that, how to wake up. It's not so obvious. Am I dreaming? Am I awake? How would I know? So these three men in the story have also committed their lives to waking up. The attendant actually had walked for hundreds of miles through the desert in order to find his own teacher. And then came that special day when his teacher made a world-stopping request of him. Well, if the fan is broken, then bring me the rhinoceros. In other words, the teacher was saying to him, find your true self at the place where your suffering arises. The place where your thoughts, your beliefs, your feelings, your problems, where is that place of their beginning?

[12:07]

Look closely, look deeply. What you may find is a place of silence and stillness. Linger there. So suffering is defined in the sutras in quite a few different ways. There's the great physical pain that's followed by illness and death. That's the one that chills our blood and sent the young prince into the forest. But there's also the suffering of lesser disappointments. And for example... being separated from things that one enjoys, like the piled of wrapped gifts under the tree, and being subjected to the things that one doesn't enjoy, like the morning after and the ravages of greed-filled children at Christmas. So who made the alligator anyway?

[13:15]

Blake's question. Who made the alligator anyway? What immortal hand or eye has framed this fearful symmetry? And who decided that nothing sweet and lovely will last forever? Especially each of us. It really doesn't seem fair that we're not going to last. So in response to questions such as that one, the Buddha replied, demanding to know who made you or where you will go when you die will not help you to find an escape from your suffering. What will help you to escape from your suffering, whether of the most dreaded type or of the more common kind, is living a life of moral excellence, of meditative absorption, and of wisdom based in deep compassion for the world and all that lives.

[14:21]

Now, being part alligator ourselves, it's pretty hard to take this in as a cure. So I'm going to read it again. What will help you to escape from your suffering is living a life of moral excellence, of meditative absorption, and of wisdom based in deep compassion for the world and all that lives. And all of Buddhism is basically an elaboration of these three teachings. So it's a very good thing for us that Zen really is basically alligator training. And what it starts with is... engaging the alligator's natural inclination to get something for herself. Now, usually it's a quick meal. But I understand there's also something called alligator love, that they really like having their tummies rubbed.

[15:32]

Although I'm not sure I'd be willing to try that. They have nice, long, soft bellies, I think. So in the story of the alligator fan, the assistant thinks that there's something that he can get for his teacher, but that something has already been broken. Which, of course, is true of everything. How long did your new car last? I think mine was about an hour and a half. So it's already broken. So then the teacher asks, well then, I want something better. you bring me the rhinoceros you know bring me your living self and this is the heart of the Zen training program you know it starts very politely with a cup of tea and some muffins gathering of friends and then there's a gift wrap box which is clearly labeled do not open until you know who you truly are and

[16:48]

and what you've come here to do. But of course, no one is able to resist shaking the box or trying to peek inside, which, being Zen, predictably, has nothing in it whatsoever. So it's perfectly okay. Shake away. So that's the other thing that I wanted to talk about today, is the... the box of nothing in it with nothing in it. And I found this children's story last year that was actually written and published in 2005. It's not an old classic. To me, it's a new classic. I don't know if any of you know it. I've read it once years ago at the children's program, and since they're not here, I'm going to read it to you. I hope you don't mind. I tried it on some adults the other day, and they seemed to like it. So...

[17:48]

It's called The Gift of Nothing. Anybody know it? Oh, it should be a bestseller. Maybe after today. It's by Patrick McDonald, who wrote the comic strip Mutts. You probably know that guy. Wonderful? Yeah, yeah, he's good, isn't he? So, I guess I have to tell you the pictures because you won't be able to see them, but in the first picture, there's two little houses in the snow. It looks like the East Coast right now. It was a very special day. And Mooch, Mooch is a cat, wanted to give his best friend Earl, who's a dog, a gift. But what to get him? He had a bowl. He had a bed. He had a chewy toy. It's a chewy toy. It says squeak. In fact, he had it all.

[18:50]

And there's a picture of Earl laying on his bed with his toy at the foot of his owner, master. Mooch thought and thought, what do you get someone who has everything? He thought so hard that he kind of ended up laying looking very drunk on the ground, all circles above his head. And then he thought, He would give Earl the gift of nothing. But in this world filled with so many somethings, where could he find nothing? Mooch often heard Frank say that there was nothing on TV. But as far as Mooch could tell, there was always something on TV. The TV's going blah, blah, blah. And Mooch often heard Doozy and her friends say that there was nothing to do.

[19:56]

But as far as Mooch could tell, everybody was always doing something. And then Millie came home from the store and said, there was nothing to buy. So Mooch went shopping. There he is in the store. Buy, buy, buy, buy, buy. Mooch looked up and down every aisle. He found many, many, many somethings. The latest this and the newest that. But as far as he could tell, nothing was not for sale. So poor Mooch went home. It's very sad. And he sat on his pillow and he just stayed still, as cats often do. And not looking for it, he found nothing.

[21:03]

He's purring in this little picture, just like our Zen students. So he went and got a box, and he put nothing in it. Then Mooch thought, hmm, maybe Earl deserves more than this. So he got a bigger box. Now that's plenty of nothing. And he took the big box across the yard to his friend's house. For me, said Earl, Mooch, you didn't have to give me anything. And Mooch says, who told him? And then Earl opened Mooch's gift. So there's a picture of Earl looking into the box, the big question mark. There's nothing here, said Earl. Yes, said Mooch, nothing but me and you.

[22:10]

They hug. Yeah. So Mooch and Earl just stayed still and enjoyed nothing and everything. Pure Delight, Publishers Weekly. So I was tempted to end with that story, but then I thought, nah, it's too easy. Excuse me. Recently, one of our students, Jane Lazar, are you here, Jane? No. She's been in the Zen Center training program for a number of years and was invited to be the head student or the shouseau at the recent practice period here at Green Gulch Farm.

[23:21]

And I was very impressed by her poise and her skill in leading the practice period. along with the abbot. So after a couple of months as head monk, we then asked the person, the student, to sit up on the seat. Is it this one? Pretty close, huh? Pretty close. Sit up here and, oh no, it's over there. Anyway, over there. With everyone coming to them from the assembly, all the teachers and the students, actually they send to them their questions, one after the other, to see how they have come to understand the Buddhist teaching. So, unfortunately, I wasn't able to attend the ceremony itself, but my question came up very clear, very vivid, which was, Shuso, what is love anyway? I'm still waiting for Jane's reply.

[24:24]

Sorry she's not here. I was going to ask her. Maybe some of you might know. What is love anyway? So I'm still looking, and I like stories like this one. It kind of gives me a clue about love, what it might be, where to find it, where not to find it. And yet I want to propose that there's another kind of story and another kind of love that we are going to need in order to help us escape from the more intricate forms of suffering. So this love is about what happens when you open the box and that nothing becomes a little bit of a something. Because it's really true that we humans do turn nothing into something.

[25:28]

And then we protect it with all of our might. For example, I want very much for Zen, in particular Soto Zen, as practiced in California, to be the very best religious, philosophical, intellectual, and psychological tradition in the world. Which, of course, it is. And therein lies the hubris of those who like winning all the games. I mean, everyone can see how clever Zen students are, you know, how calm, how strong, how nicely dressed. So then my question is, do you love me now? And you answer, not really.

[26:35]

And then I say, well, why not? What am I overlooking? Well, my therapist says to me that I'm a perfectionist. To which I replied, that's not possible. Because I've never done anything well my entire life. Thereby proving his point. You know, this was a great surprise to me because I thought perfectionists got everything perfect. But it's quite the opposite. It's those of us who are discouraged at the slightest failure who drift off of the path. And... What path would that be? The path to the enjoyment of our life. Years ago, I was in a class with my teacher, Rev Anderson, who is very fond of asking people for their rhinoceros bands.

[27:40]

In fact, anyone who gets close. So I had the courage to raise my hand in class one day and to say something out loud to which he replied, I don't really know what he said, actually, but what I heard was, well, in that case, if the fan is broken, bring me the rhinoceros, which, of course, would be me. And there was no way that was going to happen. I keep the lid tightly on the box. So I had no reply. And after the class, I was walking with my friend, Linda Royan, and I said, I will never speak in that class again. That was so humiliating. I was so embarrassed. And she said, you don't get it, do you? And I said, get what? And she said, people love you for what's broken. You know, I think, I thought that she's absolutely right.

[28:48]

Because that's how I feel about people. I love them when they blush, you know, or they get confused or they fall down, you know, or when they use all these elaborate constructions to hide their true feelings. I love that. It's endearing. On to the next page. I really can't see a thing. I don't know if this is what my lecture is or not. So the rhinoceros fan may be broken, but so is the rhinoceros, especially its great big heart inside that over-armored body. In Zen literature, the rhinoceros stands alone in an empty field with its great horn pointed longingly

[29:50]

at the moon. The rhino may have had a great realization, but he's unable to speak. In other words, he's locked himself up in that place where the nothing has turned into something, and he's protecting it with all of his strength. Now, this is not recommended. But what is recommended, I think, is that we can now safely go back to the story of the cat, Mooch, and his response to giving, to generosity, to those he loves. So what did he really give to his friend disguised as a package of nothing? He gave him his wholehearted effort. He gave him his undivided attention. He gave him his inexhaustible shopping and seeking and thinking.

[30:55]

He tried his very, very best. And this is the true gift. The one that can't be seen, it can't be bought, and it can't be put into a box. But at the same time, it can be illuminated, though not always, by... ribbons and wrappings by the lightings of candles or the chalice full of wine, or even by a certificate of Zen realization. So my task in the holy days is to follow the example of this cat, to give wholeheartedly to my family and my community, to make my best effort especially on the morning after Christmas, as I clean up the cookie crumbs and throw away the trash. So I thought you might enjoy hearing that in Japan, where they're very fond of celebrating Christmas, apparently all the shows, I don't know, have anyone been there at Christmas time?

[32:04]

All the stores are full of Christmas trees and ornaments and so on. And they did an interview with the person on the street, to ask them what this holiday was for. And most of them thought that it was the celebration of Santa Claus's birthday. So, happy birthday, Santa Claus. Happy birthday, baby Jesus. And all of you, may you deeply enjoy this holy season and find that place in yourself where... It's silent, peaceful, and still. Thank you very much.

[32:47]

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