Good morning. I love the practice period. I won't talk to you very many times this practice period in a group, this one and maybe one other, so even more than usual I wonder what do I want to say in this rare opportunity. In general, I've been so blessed to be here at Tassajara for so much of my life And I am so happy, grateful that the Abbots and the senior Dharma teachers come and lead the practice periods. I'm very encouraged, supported, interested in how each of them teach. And this one with being foos first. practice period at Tassajara that she's led and we've known each other for so many years and yet I have rarely been present for her teaching so this is really a treat for me to to listen to her and listen and experience her so I'm enjoying that very much but now she's gone and I get to say something so what is it so I think you know mainly I want to encourage you to

[01:25]

to make the best use of Tassajara that you possibly can. My experience of Tassajara is that it's wonderfully effective, that it has a big impact on everyone who comes here. It looks that way to me. Maybe it's not quite everyone, but pretty much everyone who comes here, and that for most people, they can't actually stay very long. You know, it doesn't, like, nobody else has stayed as long as I have, and maybe I can only do it because I do this weird schedule of going out on the weekend to see my family, and I've done that for some years. I mean, I was here for six and a half years with not leaving very much at all. We didn't have the same vacations then, so sometimes we actually stayed over the times that now there are breaks. And that was wonderful. Anyway, so in this talk, the main thing that I want to do, I believe, is to encourage you to, while you're here, however long that is, to soak it up.

[02:42]

Now, what does that mean? Somebody came to me the other day in practice discussion. This is someone who's been practicing for quite a while and has been at Tasa Haram more than once for a practice period. And she came to me and she said, tell me again, why are we doing this? Well, that's a good question. Why are we sitting here? Now winter has returned for a few minutes at least. Yesterday it snowed for an hour at Jamesburg and then it hailed furiously for 10 minutes or so. And on the ridge this morning, again, as I came in, there was snow and it was about 25 degrees. So if you're feeling cold in your... Unneeded cabinet. It's totally accurate. You're in touch with reality. Congratulations. That's one of the ways Tatsahar has an impact. It's like reality is so hard to get out of touch with. So why are we doing this again?

[03:46]

So I was thinking about that some. So I'll give you my little spiel. about why we're doing this. You know, every living being has a problem which is called death or aging and death. And most of them don't really seem to suffer with that so much ahead of time. They maybe suffer with it at the time, but flowers go along looking like they're not worrying at all about getting old and dying. And then they get old and die, and they don't seem to worry then either in the language that we understand at any rate. But humans have this extra ability to think, and also this something that we don't know whether animals have it, animals or plants, but it seems to have a special place in our life, which is called a sense of a separate self.

[04:50]

So when we're sitting here, each of us, I think if you notice yourself, you'll notice that you feel somewhat separate. Unless you're in some kind of a samadhi state right now. Which is possible, but it doesn't usually last so long. And it's not any truer than that sense of separate self. This... sense of a self that I can define, you know, it's here and it's different than, you know, the floor, the cup of water, and certainly all the other people around. And even that sense of self is not really such a problem, except along with it comes this little insecurity, rightly so, that maybe this sense of self is not totally true sense of separate self, Totally true. And also it's not very safe. It is going to die.

[05:52]

And other things might happen to it along the way. So there's this sense that I'm this slightly fragile, separate thing. And it's my job, one way or another, to protect me. So I think we have that in us, and sometimes that may feel very frustrated, like I have no idea how to protect me. I'm really a victim in all different kinds of ways. That sense of separateness and fragileness and being responsible for making it work somehow, or at least carrying this question, noticing, am I okay? Am I okay? Am I okay? I think that that question, in its different forms, is kind of running through us all the time. It's a deep, sometimes unconscious, sometimes rising to the level of consciousness, impulse to notice and be on guard about, am I okay?

[07:06]

Is there anything I can do to make myself okay? And it takes a lot of different forms. It's like, are they serving me the right amount? Do they like me? Am I doing this right? Why do they have these stupid rules anyway? It can go into blaming. It can go into blaming others. It can also go into blaming myself. Oh, I did that stupid thing again. No wonder they don't like me. So, here we are, walking around with this very pervasive... sense very pervasive very uh deep i think you know very old like species old so what are we doing at tasahara i think we are with with zazen one of the things we're doing whether we do it here at tasahara or anywhere or or other kinds of meditation too but doesn't in particular uh we are making some space

[08:15]

where we can, well, we're several things. One thing, Zazen basically cuts that. It cuts its functioning in some way. It's like, if you're just sitting there, even if you have this thought, you're not really doing anything about it. And it also simplifies things for a little while so that we might start to notice that feeling or that thought, which is big. Because besides being a... and a somewhat separate self, we also are a completely connected self, completely connected to so many things, so many things that can't even be named. And so the protecting of this self, we can't really do it. We're really interwoven into everything. So if we see this Am I okay? Do they like me? They're to blame.

[09:17]

If we actually see that right away, some other part of our intelligence is questioning, is this really true? It doesn't always win out. Sometimes we're so deep in our habitual way of protecting ourself that we don't have space for the question of whether it's true. But Zazen and the way of life at Tosamhar really make some space around that. That's one of the main things that it does is that we do the same thing day after day after day after day. And we start to notice that we start to notice various things, you know, like some days. It's pretty much exactly the same, but some days we feel great and some days we feel terrible. Some days we feel very secure. Some days we feel very frightened. Other times we might notice that we're just going along, feeling pretty good, and then a tiny thing happens and suddenly we feel terrible. It activates our whole sense of insecurity in all the different levels of it.

[10:21]

You know, what am I going to do when I leave Kasahara? Am I ever going to find the person that I can truly love? Will they possibly love me back? Many deep questions that can get activated, you know, because, I don't know what, you know, because the doan... rang the bell to end the period a few minutes late, or many things. So we can, because Tatsahara is a pretty simple life, and many things are the same, there's more space for us noticing how our deep sense of self, sense of self-clinging affects us. And also because we, most of us, all of us, I think, have habitual ways of protecting ourself. We each get our own little unique lesson in how's that going? How is it working if your way of protecting yourself is to get angry at the drop of a hat?

[11:25]

How is it if when something goes wrong, you feel like I did everything wrong? So we have our ways. you know, of getting by and they've worked not, you know, it hasn't been totally bad. They've, we've lived this long and what's more, here we are at Tasahara. So there's, you know, some way they've worked but for most of us, for all of us, those ways of trying to get by are not, do not leave us feeling at ease. Do not leave us feeling like we can be a Bodhisattva in the world and that would be a beautiful, easy thing to do. Mostly we feel like, oh, I've got things to take care of, and I don't know how I'm going to get through this, whatever it is. Another person asked me, do you get tired? What did she say?

[12:30]

Do you get tired keeping it all together around here? I was like, I'm not taking that on. That's not my job. I am not keeping it all together. No. As much as it's together, we're keeping it together. We, but, you know, the really, really big we, like the mountains and rivers and the plant manager. Has a special role in this, of course. But... But it's kind of, you know, when I can remember, I'm not taking it on. I am not keeping it together. I'm only doing my part. As I've told many people, when they take on a new job, it's so wonderful. You know, at Tassajara, if you stay, pretty soon you get asked to do something that you don't know how to do, or, you know, that feels just a little past what you were hoping for in your...

[13:33]

So, you know, for your first practice period, well, even then, you're being asked to do things like the drum and the, you know, serving people their meals. And so it starts right away. It gets worse. So I've told many people this, and it's appropriate to tell you too, no matter who you are. This is my little mantra that I developed when I was president of Zen Center for several years. And that's a whole story in itself, which we won't go into. But I developed this mantra during that time, which is, I cannot make Zen Center work. If it works, it's by the grace of dependent core rising. So you can adjust this for your own life. I cannot make my serving crew work. If it works, it's by the grace of dependent co-arising.

[14:37]

I cannot make my relationship work. If it works, it's by the grace of dependent co-arising. This dependent co-arising, you know, doesn't let us off the hook. Dependent co-arising means everything we do has an impact. So if I want my serving food to work, or I want my relationship to work, I want my life to work, I want my Zen center to work, I am doing my part. I'm always doing my part. Whether my part is something that heads it toward working or heads it toward working, whatever that means, or toward some dead end, we're still, we are doing our part. So we do our part, but we do it in conjunction with everybody else. And that I have to make this work. I have to do this. Maybe we can let go of that a little bit.

[15:42]

Maybe we can set that down and be willing to just play our part. I wanted to, as usual, tell you a little piece of Dogen from the Ganjo Koan again. A fish swims in the ocean, and no matter how far it swims, there is no end to the water. A bird flies in the sky, and no matter how far it flies, there is no end to the air. However, the fish and the bird have never left their elements. When their activity is large, their field is large. When their need is small, their field is small. Thus, each of them totally covers its full range, and each of them totally experiences its realm. If the bird leaves the air, it will die at once. If the fish leaves the water, it will die at once. Know that water is life and air is life. The bird is life and the fish is life. Life must be the bird and life must be the fish.

[16:45]

My mother died recently. Most of you know, some of you know. She died in the middle of December and I left the practice period early. to go be with her and the rest of my family. And I got there on the 12th, and she died on the 15th. So that was good, really good. It was good that I left, and I was very happy to be there. And I would say, you know, I have said that she died a beautiful death, that... And I want to be careful because she had many advantages, you know, so I don't want to make people who have witnessed or who might participate in ourselves a not beautiful death. I don't want to sound like a beautiful death or her kind of death was better than another kind of death, but it was, we were very grateful for it. She had almost no pain.

[17:53]

That's huge, right? Very huge. She had almost no pain, and she was 92 and had a very strong Christian faith. And she was at home and surrounded by loved ones. So those are all big helps. But not everyone has to be content with that. Even at 92, it can feel like, why me? She didn't do that. Really, she didn't in the short time that she knew she was dying soon. She never once did I hear her on the phone or in person express any kind of non-acceptance of the situation. She just, you know, I'm 92. It's time. There are some things that I'd like to get done before I die.

[18:55]

That was huge, you know, and as I say, I think some portion of it had to do with her Christian certainty, I guess, that she was going to see some of us again. She's a little, doesn't know about me and two of my brothers. I'm the oldest of six, so a number of them are, three of them are very strong Lutherans, like my mother, and they'll be going to heaven, and then there's the other three of us, and it's I don't know what's going to happen to us. And I don't know what my mother thought, but it didn't seem to bother her. Sorry. It actually did. She did say to one of my brothers toward the end, I want to see you again, so you have to do something. I couldn't hear her, so I'll have to ask him what he had to do. But I don't mean to be making fun of me, really. It was very impressive. But she wasn't, you know... dwelling on that it felt like besides that strong faith there also was a kind of just a settledness you know just a willing uh i don't even know if it was willingness but just a presence with doing the next thing and um i could talk about this for hours and i don't i don't want to get off on that right now but um um

[20:18]

I want to say one thing about it, which was that I was very grateful that both her doctor who came to the house and the hospice nurse, each of them, in the last afternoon, when it was becoming clear that she was actually going, and she was having a harder time, she was... She hadn't been able to eat or drink for some days, and I think the dehydration took hold. And she, well, let me say, some of you have heard this already. She had very thick ankles. She'd had swollen ankles for years, and then they were still swollen, and the doctors thought. Anyway, during that last time when she couldn't eat and drink, She was doing a rare thing, which only about 50% of people can do, which is reabsorbing water from where it's stored in their body.

[21:25]

So she stayed alive probably a little bit of extra time because of this water in her ankles. I called her, she had camel legs. I told her she had camel legs. But that ran out at some point. And then her heart rate went very fast. And that made her pretty uncomfortable for the last few hours. And during that time, when the nurse and the doctor, each of them, at one time during that, she was very uncomfortable and kind of moving around in an uncomfortable way. Each of them said to her very clearly, we have medicine. And we were giving her eventually morphine, but small doses. But they said to her, we have medicine that can help you feel better, but it will... put you to make you drowsy, put you to sleep, and it might mean the end. Do you want that? And each time she said to whoever was talking to her, the doctor or the nurse, these authority figures, what do you think I should do?

[22:28]

And each time they said, no, this is really your decision. Either way is okay, but you need to decide. So then she would go through this little thinking out loud to herself. because she had wanted to stay alive until my youngest brother and his family got there. He was coming back from Sri Lanka, where he's a Lutheran minister, and they were driving to Idaho, getting there on the 20th. So she died on the 15th. This is on the 15th. So each time she would say, well, I wanted to stay alive until Roger could get here, but he knows I love him. I've told them all I love them, and this is not good. And then she'd start to feel... This is not good. Okay, I'm ready. I'm ready. So it was very clear. They really helped her think it through and see what does she want to do. It was a tremendous help to my brothers and sisters and I who were there. So what did I tell you?

[23:31]

So I feel like this, the fish and the birds, you know, taking their... when their need is large, their field is large, and when their need is small, their field is small, that she did that. She actually just, as her need got smaller, she just came down to a smaller field. When I first got there, she was sitting on the couch. There was a hospital bed there, and she was kind of avoiding going to the hospital bed because she had said when she went to the hospital bed, she didn't think she would hardly get out of it again. she knew she was going there. So for that afternoon, she was staying sitting up on the couch because then she went to the hospital bed and then she got up twice, I think, to go to the bathroom. And then I'm not going to do that anymore. I need some of those diaper things.

[24:32]

And then, and she wasn't eating anymore. So we would have these meals at a table that was right nearby and she'd be sitting over there. And I think, I wonder if she feels really left out, you know, Food has been a big thing in my family, and my mother's been at the center of that, planning and cooking it and eating it. But she didn't really seem to feel left out. She just was, you know, like observing us, and then we would move over near her, and she would participate some, but her field had really gotten, you know, much smaller. And, yeah, she seemed focused on that smaller field. and with relating to what came into that field, and not really, you know, she has a house, and for a while back a ways she would think about what should happen with the house and all the things in it, and she tried to get rid of things, and then eventually she said, you know, you guys have to take care of this.

[25:37]

I can't do this. She didn't say, but she had this other thing to do. So I... I think this finding our field, finding our point of contact. Another phrase from the Ganjo Koan, Dogen says, often when we seek Dharma, we think it's far away from us. But actually, Dharma is already transmitted. We're already our original self. So can we come back to just where am I now? And I think this is a good reason why in Zazen it's good to keep our eyes open. It's hard. It's really hard to do. I find it really hard to do. I imagine a lot of you do. Maybe not everyone. And luckily it's not a sin.

[26:41]

It's not like it's you know, a bad thing to close your eyes. But when we notice that our eyes are closed, to reopen them and to notice where we are. You know, a fish swims in the water, a bird flies in the air. We're not separate from our surroundings. And, you know, so does it, I'm quite convinced, is a body practice, which does not mean that it is not about thoughts. emotions it's very much about those things but the gate to it is our body so that's why it's doing something like taking your body way into the mountains and putting it in these funny clothes in these little cabins and then having to do all these you know very particular things walk into the zendo this way bow this way sit here for this amount of time dig this ditch in this way, chop these vegetables in this way, why we put our body and our mind along with it into these particular ways is because the body is the gate.

[27:51]

So something like having our eyes opened or closed is connected to our attitude. There are times when we close our eyes just because we're so tired. And... then the reason to try to keep our eyes open is so that we don't fall asleep and fall off the tawn. So that we can try to stay awake. It helps have our eyes open to stay awake. But there are other times when we close our eyes, we actually do it because we want to simplify things. We want to, like, just... I'm trying to... I'm trying to be with myself. I'm trying to be with my breath. So we think, I'm just... focus here more that's a good intention but that focusing down on me has the downside of making it seem to ourselves like this is me like my breath is actually right here but actually my breath is very connected to the air that we're all breathing

[29:02]

So to keep our eyes open, the attitude of that is one of openness. It's one of connectedness. Even if what you're looking at is a wall, still it's different than just being, okay, it's just me. No, it's me and this wall and my peripheral vision. Not that we have to say those things, but that we actually experience them, that our body and mind experience the connectedness. It's pretty amazing to me how much we are identified with our mind. How much when we have this thought, am I okay? Or how am I going to help myself be okay? What we're really saying is, I have to figure this out. I have to think this through. How am I going to be okay?

[30:04]

How am I going to be a good Zen student? How am I going to support myself when I leave here? All those questions, how am I going to get the right food to eat? We are usually thinking, sometimes not noticing it, how am I going to think this out? How am I going to figure this out? That connection between our identity and our thinking mind is very, very strong. And that also is connected to our sight. Of our senses, our sight is the one that is the most dualistic, where if we look at anything, usually we think that's that and this is me. That's kind of built into our sight. So while we are sitting there, maybe getting more in touch with the connectedness of ourself to some of that time have our eyes open and sort of train our sight to see the connectedness you know to actually experience the connectedness it's not that the sense of self or the sense of separation or not you know separation is sometimes seen as like that's how we usually use it like i'm

[31:28]

But in a way, separation is also about connectedness. If there weren't more than one thing, there wouldn't be connectedness. So there's a way that we're all one, and there's a way that we are more than one, and we're connected. So to actually have that experience, not necessarily with our brain, Our brain can be brought there, and nowadays science is there. It's just that it has lots of habits that don't go there. Lots of habits that say, me separate from you. Anyway, that's what I think we're doing here at Tassajara. We are training our body and our mind to trust ourselves. the connectedness. I think that trust is in some ways the biggest effect of life at Tassajara.

[32:39]

I met years ago, I met a man who was here at Tassajara with me for, I don't know, we were here at the same time, I don't know if he was here for one practice period or one year. It was a short amount of time. And I met him years later, and I said to him, Ernie, did it make a difference that you were at Tassahara? And he said, I rejoined the human race. Now, a lot of us haven't left the human race. A lot of us are doing fine or doing whatever we're doing in the human race. We maybe feel too connected to the human race. That's one way of coping. Another way of coping is to really shut yourself off, which was more his. You know, like I'm going to isolate myself and figure out how to get along without humans because they're too painful. And coming to Tazahara, he felt that he rejoined the human race. So we may have a different way of experiencing that, but I think one way of saying it is trust.

[33:44]

You know, trust that it's okay to be part of the human race. Trust that it's okay... if I don't know how to make myself safe, trust that it's okay to be part of the air or the water or whatever it is that humans live in. Trust is a... What? Maybe that's not the sentence I want to do. I don't think that... Trust is something that we can talk ourselves into or think ourselves into or argue ourselves into. Like you should trust this. You should trust the Tasa Hara practice period, even if it's cold or you have to get up early or you don't like the food or the people or whatever. You should trust it. I don't think that kind of talking from a teacher or from your friends or from yourself really does any good.

[34:47]

That's not where trust comes from. It doesn't actually come from our mind. It comes from somewhere more diffuse than that. And I think the thing that encourages trust is our noticing what's been going on all along, which is that I have not been able to make this a safe world for myself. I have not been doing that. You have not been doing that. Somehow we have gotten to this state, this age, this place, not by our own making this happen you know we didn't make ourselves be born we didn't make ourselves live through that first week or the first however many years we made it through so trust actually comes from noticing that which means taking the foot off the gas you know for a little while like that i have to make this work feeling attitude that we're so immersed in we need to back off of that a little bit and just sit there you know just live this way just get up and put on the clothes that you already know that you're going to put on you don't have to make a decision and then walk to where you know you're going to walk and come in the door and you know go to the place where you know you're going to sit

[36:06]

and bow the way you know you're going to bow, and turn around and sit there, and try to keep your eyes open, but probably won't sometimes. Try to notice that you're breathing, but probably won't sometimes. Then notice, maybe when you're not noticing that you're breathing, you're noticing that you feel something. Maybe it's scared, or maybe it's tired, or maybe it's happy, and you just notice that, and you just keep living your life that way. Trust arises. It's like, oh. And it doesn't mean that you will have to stay here at Tassajara forever. There will be various, you know, things that will happen. And some of you will stay for a while, and some of you will stay for a little longer. Some might not stay any longer than today, for all we know. You know, things happen that carry us along. that can continue to be studied.

[37:11]

It's not like the Dharma is only at Tassajara. We can continue to be open to the way life is working and the way we are part of it, where we function. Whether we like it or not, we are functioning. And if we aren't absorbed or taken over by this state of, am I okay? How am I going to make myself okay? What do I have to do to... you know, make those people treat me right and make myself more like this. And if we aren't absorbed in that, we actually have the possibility of being a benefit to ourselves and others here at Tassajara and in other places. So, let me see how we're doing. I wonder if any of you have anything you'd like to say or ask Is trust synonymous with relaxation?

[38:18]

I don't know if it's synonymous, but I think they're connected. They're related. Partly because our non-relaxation has to do with not trust. It has to do with trying, I have to make this work. How am I going to do that? I can't make it work. All of that leads to a lot of non-relaxation. So if there's some And it can go either direction. You know, if we have a way of actually relaxing, it can help us to notice that are things trustworthy. And certainly if we feel that trustworthiness, we're much more relaxed. Thank you. Sean? I'm finding it challenging. It's kind of like a little bit of scope. It's more of trust... I don't understand it in a way of like, I trust you. Um, but I also feel so that that can get in the way of it somewhat, you know, there's this identity of myself and trying to understand it without the subject and object.

[39:27]

Yeah, it's, um, you know, I think there are some schools of Buddhism that kind of focus on that. Like, Like I went to a class on some kind of Tibetan Buddhism once where they were having us look at a glass and really trying to break through our idea of a glass to non-glass. And it felt to me kind of like a sesshin of the mind. Like, how do you do this? How do you do this? And I think trying to not feel trapped by our idea of self is kind of similar to that. It's like, how do I do that? Because I'm trying to do it with my mind. now there may be a way I mean I have a lot of respect for different schools and there may be a way to do that to them I don't think that's really the way that Soto Zen does it it's more like you already are functioning as a part of a whole and here at Tazara that's really visible it's like you have your place and your part and it counts and it's also replaceable you know it's like

[40:42]

You know, if I hadn't... And this morning there was some doubt of whether I was going to get over the road. If I hadn't gotten in here, John would have given the lecture. Right, John? John, you would have given the lecture, right? John! He's in Samadhi, but he would have given a good lecture. And if he hadn't, Greg would have made it tomorrow. So there's something in that... living that way that just, you know, it's not like our ideas make this happen. It's not like our idea makes trust happen or makes non-duality happen. It's that non-duality is already happening. And our form, which is also happening, is a part of it. So form, there's a new translation of the Heart Sutra out which... talked to us about last summer, he and Joan Halfax I think did it, where they don't do form and emptiness, they do form and boundlessness.

[41:48]

They translate the emptiness rather as boundlessness, that connectedness. So I think our trying to break that gets a little tricky, mind-wise. But if you notice that When, let's say, if you feel like you trust me, and then you notice, but then I don't trust this other person, and maybe you notice that I feel some tightness when I'm around there or something, you could try to relax that tightness and see if that has any impact on your trust. But again, I think this trying, well, that person's trustworthy, I should trust them. I think it actually works better to... notice our not trusting, but not get distracted by the stories about it, which is our normal thing. Like, oh, I don't feel so trusting right now. Well, why is that?

[42:50]

Oh, because they did this, and they did that, and they did this, and maybe it's my past. So rather than get distracted by those stories, to actually stay close to the actual experience of trust or non-trust and see what happens to it. then I think if it, and that will also be like you'll be noticing, if you're staying close, does something untrustworthy happen? And if it doesn't, then your trust grows very naturally. Thank you. Yes, Heather. So I feel like the passage you read from the Genjo Koan is all about trust. You know, the fish isn't stopping every second saying, can I swim in this water? Can I swim in this water? Am I going to drown? Am I going to drown? And the bird, when it takes off from the branch, is trusting the sky. It's like they're fully immersed in their element, and therefore there's no separation from the element.

[43:51]

And so, for me, that speaks to trust. Like living at Tassajara, that's what arises. It's like there's trust. There's a trust as a way in which we can trust life here at Tassajara, like the birds trust the sky and the fish, trust the water. And like you said, it's like a non-intellectual experience. It's just the experiencing of this body, mind, and this moment, trudging along, coming to the Zendo, practicing the forms, paying attention, and dropping whatever arises. That's a hairspray, that's a deviation from what's happening in the moment. Thank you. That's great. I'm sorry. Don't you want... which is one of the reasons why it's important that we do this with other people. Because, yes, we do it at Tassara and it's trustworthy, but it's not, like, totally easy, right? Like, non-people, rocks, trees, water, air, and Zabatans and stuff are so forgiving.

[44:56]

They, like, let us do anything and there they are. We can still trust them. I mean, there are earthquakes and storms and things that maybe don't seem so trustworthy, but... Mostly, day-to-day, you know, if you stuck your toe on a rock, it hurts, but the rock doesn't, you know, come back at you and say, what? Whereas people, it gets a little more complicated, and that's a good thing. It's, you know, to still go along with our feeling of, is this trustworthy? I don't know. You know, is... That's the world we need to live in. We need to learn to live in. And that world of people at Tassajara leads very directly to the rest of the universe. You know, not Tassajara. The city. The rest of the world. Yes, Catherine. Did you read? No. Oh, I was reading. Sorry. She's right behind you. Yes.

[46:01]

Then we're swimming in that as well. So just to be aware. Because we have to trust that. Yikes. Yeah. Yes. That's it exactly. What does that mean? You know, usually I think we see some greed, hatred, delusion. Let's assume for the moment we see it in ourself. And pretty quickly our response is to look for who's to blame. We see... We want something we don't have or we see something we don't like. And we're like... We feel like we notice, I don't feel so good. And then the immediate question is, who's to blame? We don't even hear ourselves answer that question. And then we've got two choices. Me or they. And we... We go right into, we do this distracted thing. You know, we get, why am I upset?

[47:03]

Why am I, oh, because they did this. Because, oh, because I didn't, whatever. You know, so to not do that, to actually have this question, is this greed, hate, or delusion trustworthy? And not get into too much of a story about what does that mean, but actually just stay there with the feelings feeling of dis-ease you know that maybe it isn't trustworthy and also the pain of the greed, hate or delusion I think this is very very beneficial actually we'd be surprised at how unsolid that greed, hate or delusion is actually how much it's dependently co-arisen how much it's being affected by every action of our own and the rest of the fishes and birds.

[48:04]

Thank you. Yes. I'm wondering about action and when you're in a situation that maybe isn't really trustworthy or is actually somewhat harmful. Yes. Yes. Thank you very much for bringing this up because this can sound like passivity. Like you're just there and trusting everything means that everything is fine. But trusting it means trusting it to be itself. So again, we don't have any option of passivity really. Everything we do has an effect. So if you see something that's unsafe for yourself or somebody else and you just... oh, I'm just going to sit here with this and watch this. That's an action, you know? It's a thought that is making a habit out of an idea. So instead, how do you actually respond freely in that moment?

[49:11]

And that might mean you can run as fast as you can away from there. Or it might mean that you go up to somebody and say, please stop doing that. You know, it's... very dependent on the situation but it doesn't mean don't do anything we're always doing things that's that's the way we are we are active beings interacting with everything and this is not to stop us from doing this this is to help us do it more accurately not to be so confused by our thoughts of how it should be but to actually be there with how it is and and even how it is not to be think just because it is this way right now, that means it will be that way in a minute, or that person, just because they're that way right now, they're that way tomorrow. Does that make sense? It doesn't give us an easy answer, you know, but it is, it's just continuing our very alive life, where sometimes, yes, there are dangerous things that happen, and places where we have to say it,

[50:20]

know or i'm only being or whatever or where you know things happen oh sorry yes julian curious what aspects of uh your life that so far or your life in general has uh challenged your practice the most let's see can anybody remember My life. Having children. What has challenged my practice the most? Your trust in the practice. I'm sure there are things, it's just can I remember them? I'm losing my memory, so that's getting to be more and more of a challenge. You mentioned children.

[51:21]

I could say something about that. There are other things. Well, pardon? The bakery? Not the bakery. Greg is referring to the fact that when I was president, we had to sell the bakery, and so therefore I am forever in Zen Center's hall of infamy because we sold this wonderful bakery. But that really didn't, that was not a challenge, so much of a challenge to me. So, you know, yes, my children, but maybe I'll say, you know, for me, one of the places where I, and I think this is, a lot of people do this, where I look for security, look for still to some extent, is in relationship, especially intimate relationship. And I think a lot of us... think of relationships that way or hope that relationship will be that way.

[52:23]

We don't necessarily think about it that way because often it's more traumatic than that for us. But we hope for that from relationship, that we will find somebody who will actually say to us in a way that we can believe for a while, you are a wonderful person. In fact, you are the most wonderful person. And we're willing to say that to them for a while in order to get them to say it to us. So... And it works quite nicely for a little while. You know, there's like a golden light that happens or it's beautiful. And then we, like me, kind of lean on that person and they can't hold the weight. You know, there's no way that they can actually convince us that we're valuable. And besides, they look away. You know, they want to do something else once in a while. So, you know, I did this full on with my husband now, but with Keith.

[53:27]

And I've mentioned before in lectures that at some point he was questioning our relationship and also Zen Center, and he left me and left Zen Center and left me. And that was a pretty traumatic time. I thought, I actually thought pretty much every day I was going to die, but I didn't. It was so surprising. Every morning when I would wake up, or way too early, wake up. I was living at City Center, wake up and feel horrible. And then, thank goodness, Zazen came along so I didn't have to lay there with myself anymore and I could go sit in the Zendo where at least I wasn't going to writhe anymore for a while. And that was... It was hard, really hard. It taught me, like... I couldn't think about it because it was too painful. You know, if I thought about it, if I thought how bad it was, it would be worse.

[54:29]

And if I thought maybe it would get better, it would be worse. So it was really good for just, like, be there. And it wouldn't just go away because I would do something else. You know, I couldn't distract myself from it. So there was, like, this sick feeling, heavy feeling in my stomach that... often felt like I didn't exist. Like there's no me there. There's just this hole, this heavy hole. Maybe some of you have felt this. Anyway, I pretty much had to meditate on it because there it was and I couldn't play with it because it would be worse. So it was really good. And I was in this wonderfully supportive situation called City Center. where basically, you know, they gave me things to do, and most of them were fairly sane things. So even though I knew I was going crazy, and I was, I was also acting pretty sanely.

[55:36]

This is what we do at Tassajara. We go slightly crazy, but we act sane. I mean, within this context. And it helps. It helps a lot. You know, to just keep doing, saying things while you dissolve. You know, really your sense of self dissolves, which is what was happening for me. I just, you know, tied up my sense of self with this being in relationship with this person. And we all do that in various ways. And one of the things that happens when we come to Tassajara is our ways that we have defined ourselves and made sure there's a self here that I can, I know what it is and what it does and all. And that starts to come apart a little bit here at Tassar. I'm somebody who would never eat, I don't know what, amaranth for breakfast, you know. You know, too bad.

[56:37]

Who are you now? I don't know. But I lived through it, so... So anyway, it was huge. Really deeply in my practice and my trust, actually. Yes. So as a person who has stayed for a while and left for a while, just come back for a while, it's quite clear to me while I'm here, my need is small and the field is very small. I'm just tootling about here and there. But out in the world, my need seems to be very great, and my field seems to be very great. Yes. And there doesn't... I mean, like FUSA and whatever tasks, it's really easy to practice here. But it doesn't seem like there's that much space to practice. Here? No, out there. Oh. Here. There's lots of space, but it doesn't seem like it supports your practice. Right. Yeah. And I'm just wondering about how I can...

[57:40]

Make my field smaller? Can I feel some bigger? Yeah, kind of. Make your field smaller. So one thing is the nature of reality is the same at Tassajara and in Minnesota. It's the same. The way things are is the same. So you don't have to make the way things are different. You just have to find out how to live with the way things are. So... This way of describing the way things are is they interact with each other. Things are not stuck. I think there are things, there is you, but you're not stuck. So here you are, you know, walking to the Zendo, and then, you know, you walk in thinking it's your, whatever you call the day when you don't do anything, it's dawn, and then somebody goes in here, and suddenly you have to be the Taken. And that has all kinds of ramifications.

[58:42]

You didn't dress for being taken, and you did lots of things. But it's still, there you are. That same thing happens in Minnesota. So it's actually the same field. It's like you go with you. The variety of things that happen may be more, but that's why we are settling on this particular self, Not because we know how it will react. We just know where to find it. And I think our capacity for being with this self as it changes, as it touches things and things touch it, grows. Once we see that's what we need to do, but once that happens, once we actually get kind of at home here, And then we go there, and yes, things will happen. You just still stay in if you want to call it your small field, but say it's a bigger field.

[59:49]

One more. Okay, good. Anything else? Okay. Thank you all very much.

[60:04]

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