. . . I need to see the distance to the moon. ... [...]

[03:55]

I don't make me a too stupid event. I don't make me too stupid. [...] morning good morning thank you all for being here today it truly is inspiring those of us who live here

[05:03]

Just hear the bell and come, you know. So there's not so much merit. But you, you know, coming or joining online, feeling something stir in your heart and maybe having a clear idea of what that is, maybe not some kind of call for some nourishment. some support on the path of being a human being, some inspiration to be fully alive, something. I don't know what it was for you. It got you over the hill and on a foggy day, no less. As always, you know, what we chant in opening the talk is to just keep that part of yourself close.

[06:14]

That part that had the idea, I would like to be open to some truth. I would like to receive some inspiration and wisdom. To let that part be here in the room. And then we have this teaching that the inquiry and the response come up together. So if you touch that wish for truth and nourishment and inspiration, then, you know, despite anything that I say as part of this event, you will maybe be open and receive something from the light or the sound or the sensation. The feeling of being here together. As I said the other week, you know it's this wish

[07:30]

to acknowledge and to share with each other something very special about being a human being, something very special and easy to miss and hard to talk about, but gets us over hills and stuff, even though we don't know what it is and can't get our arms around it exactly, being alive. You know what I mean? So this morning I wanted to lift up together this theme that's been turning in me now for a long time. Many of you know that San Francisco Zen Center is getting ready to release a new collection of teachings by Suzuki Roshi. And I've been really intimately involved in this process.

[08:33]

And, you know, there's a million ways to characterize the teaching of Suzuki Roshi, who's the founder of the San Francisco Zen Center and Green Gulch Farm. But one of the themes that's really present through his teaching and is definitely present in the new book is... this theme of just being yourself, being yourself or becoming yourself, just being completely yourself. So of all the things that we could have chosen, that theme is what we lifted up in the title of the book. It's becoming yourself. And so I've been chewing on it now for a long time, mired in this project. And it's fruitful. I keep encountering this becoming yourself. What does that mean?

[09:33]

What does that mean? So I wanted to just share a little bit of reflection and invite you into the embodied study of what is it to be you, to completely be you, and our guide this morning on this adventure of becoming ourself. is a stone. Stone. The chant that we did was to the stone, actually. I don't know where you thought the Tathagata's words would be coming from, but this is a stone. This is a spectacular stone. And that's a little distracting. That's a little confusing. You're a spectacular stone. You see what it did? You're a terrible stone. How could you, stone? See what it did? It's heavy.

[10:36]

That's why my friend gave it to me when I took this seat. He said, you need something heavy so you can't think. When you're holding something really heavy, you can't think. And so here, hold this for the next however many years. You have to be at it. So here it is. So Suzuki Roshi says, the point is to learn how to be yourself, how to be a person in the way a stone is completely a stone. How does it do it? We want to learn to be a human being as thoroughly and totally and completely and unambivalently as and wholeheartedly as the stone is expressing itself as a stone. So you might think, what is it with jiryu and inanimate objects?

[11:37]

Last year, almost every talk, I was talking about how I wanted to be a burnt-out stump on a hillside. So people come, you know, I mean, eventually stop coming, but anyway... Week after week to hear that the most beautiful thing would be to sit as though we were a burned out stump on a hillside. And now it's a stone. Now I'm really into being a stone. You might think I have like a thing against being a human being. But it's more like I'm looking for guidance. on how to be a human being. And there's something so clear about how things are just themselves. And I hear that. I feel them be themselves. And I hear this teaching, beautiful teaching from Suzuki Roshi, to learn to be myself, to be myself in the way a stone is completely a stone.

[12:47]

And I feel like it is showing me a path I don't know if you feel something when you hear that, to be yourself just like a stone is a stone. I'm not even aware of trying to be something other than myself. And yet when I hear, just be yourself as completely as a stone is a stone, I relax a little bit, which must mean that I was trying to be something. Do you know what I mean? What is that extra thing that a human being tends to do? You know, it's okay that we're complicated. It's very natural. The way that we're a stone, you know, the way that we are what we are is like very dramatic and complicated.

[13:55]

But there's something even, you know, allowing the complexity of human... being a life to be there, there's something extra. There's some way that I'm fiddling with it or trying to be something or trying to get out of something or trying to become something that feels like unnecessary and unhelpful. And in a way, what Suzuki Roshi is proposing is that if we can release that little bit of extra manipulation of what we are, That's meditation. That's zazen. And that's actually how we live an ethical life in harmony and intimacy and tender, loving support of one another. So to be myself, the way a stone is completely a stone.

[15:03]

There's some moments, for example, giving a Dharma talk is a good example, but there's lots of them through the day where you have a feeling that maybe you don't have what you need. Maybe you're not quite up to the task, you know, or maybe you don't have what you need. And you have to get something that you don't have in order to fully meet the moment. Do you know what I mean? For me, this like, just be yourself the way a stone is a stone. It's like, you never, you always have exactly what you need for any situation. You never need anything that you don't have. It might really not be enough. But anyway, it's what you have. You're not going to get it, you know? So then you stop trying and then you kind of have what you need. Maybe everybody's dissatisfied, you know, like at a Dharma talk. But... Anyway, there's no point trying to have something that you don't have or be something that you aren't, which is why it's such excellent, you know, just be yourself.

[16:10]

There's this way also coming into the space, you know, we come into the space with this vow, we chant, I offer prostrations and incense. This event this morning is a ceremony of our own effort to connect with our longing as a human being to be fully ourself, not be so confused. And this kind of ceremony protects, creates a space where we can say very cliched things to yourself, and we might think, wow. But of course, it's very standard advice, you know. Why is it such good advice? You're going on a date, just be yourself. You have an interview, just be yourself. It's really helpful. It's like, oh yeah, I thought I needed something I didn't have. I wasn't aware of that maybe, but now that you told me I could just be myself, I sort of let go of thinking that I need to be some way other than I am.

[17:20]

Somebody said, actually I was doing an interview of all things about the topic, Becoming Yourself. And somebody who was helping me said, just be yourself. And I thought, oh my God, that's so helpful. Like I was on the computer, you know, I was looking at my notes. These cliches, you know, they just keep on giving. I can let go of that extra I have to be something. I have to prove something. I have to not be something. I have to hide something. That doesn't mean it's fixed, you know. It's always changing. It's always changing. It's always newly created, what I am in intimacy with everything that's here. So that's part of what I want to raise today.

[18:26]

If we want to look into being ourself fully, what is that self exactly? What is the self that I am that I might feel inspired to just be fully or I might feel the ease and relaxation and clarity of just being that fully. What is that self? And can I trust that? That's, you know, in the interview, on the date, am I not trust that being myself? I mentioned to somebody this morning that I thought the topic today would be being yourself. And he said, but what if I'm a jerk? Which is an excellent point.

[19:26]

And Suzuki Roshi's teaching is get subtle here, get subtle. And you might say it's kind of a trick. I don't feel it's a trick, but that doesn't mean it's not a trick. I think it's the true Dharma, but maybe it's a trick. Suzuki Roshi says, actually who you are is not a jerk. Actually who you are is tender, loving care for everything that in the intimate field of your being, you can trust it. You can trust it to do zazen. You can trust it to act harmoniously and kindly to others. In fact, being a jerk is like you're trying to get away from something. You're trying to get out of something, trying to manipulate something. You're not just being yourself in the big sense of what yourself is. which includes everything.

[20:30]

So that's kind of how Suzuki Roshi sort of elaborates, to be yourself as fully as the stone is a stone. But then he says, you know what yourself is, is that which includes everything. So I want to share... little bit about what he says about ourself, including everything. But first, just one other point, you know, if I, I feel that I want to mature, I feel that I want to transform even. I want to be more supportive to others and more wise and clear and compassionate myself and for me this teaching that's the natural expression of my life that's what my life naturally longs for that's not that's not my idea that's this natural aspiration but now that I have this idea of maturing to support myself and everyone then this teaching of being myself is that the direction of that

[21:58]

path the direction is towards something that I already am and already have and that just really changes things I want to be more kind I do want to be more kind and the way to do that is to like fully be the kindness that actually I am at the bottom of my heart you know It doesn't mean, like, do what someone else wrote down about what kind people do. So that's Suzuki Roshi's teaching on the precepts. The precepts, the list of things that, you know, a Buddha does or a good person does, aren't things to copy, but are things to long to fulfill by... Growing and allowing that that is what our heart already longs for. That is just me being myself.

[23:00]

Sorry if that's unclear or gotten ahead of the story here. So here's what Suzuki Roshi says about how really being yourself is to include everything. He says, our way of sitting... is for you to become yourself. Katagiri Roshi always says, to settle oneself on oneself, to be yourself. So this is Katagiri Roshi, Suzuki Roshi's colleague, and a former abbot, early abbot of Zen Center, had this expression, to settle yourself on yourself, and let the flower of your life force bloom. To settle, to be like exactly the shape, to settle in, to be exactly the shape and size of yourself, to align, and then something opens and blossoms.

[24:14]

Does that make sense? It's a kind of poetic resonant. You know, somebody said, sounds kind of abstract for me it's like it's not I don't know how else to say it it's not abstract it's how we are being right now what we are what could possibly be more like concrete than right now we're a human being how are we doing that and then yeah it's hard to say like here's the three things you're doing so we have to use some poetic language It doesn't mean it's abstract. It's here is my body and my heart and my mind. Am I fully here aligned with it? Settled the self on the self. And then something opens and blossoms. So then he says, he does this thing that's either a trick or the true Dharma. He says, when you become yourself, at that moment, your practice includes everything.

[25:19]

Whatever there is, it is a part of you. You practice with everyone in the future and in the past. That is our practice. But when you do not become yourself, it doesn't happen in that way. When you sit, you are sitting with everything, including animate and inanimate beings. Dogen Zenji said that if your practice doesn't include everything, It is not real practice. So you don't, there's nothing you need to do to include everything or could say to be one with everything, or that everything is included in yourself, in your life, isn't something that you have to do any thing special to have be true, or even to appreciate.

[26:36]

It's just our practice of sitting. So this is really helpful as we reflect on what is the self that I want to completely become. That self is like the self or the livingness that is our zazen practice. So right now, as we sit together in this space filled with zazen, to come into our posture of feeling the breath in our lower belly flowing all the way out all the way in lengthening our spine

[27:45]

fully upright like a great temple pillar. Letting any thought fall away so that the bird sound can be unobstructed by any mud in the mind. And then welcoming, opening to every single thing that's here. What does it feel like to be alive? Everything is included. So this feeling of being here alive with everything included, that's the self that you can rely on.

[29:12]

That's the thing that you can rely on. Not the self that you're imagining from the outside that's separate from things, but the self that's this immediate... like subjective fact of being alive, being here. There's nothing inside that or outside that. Everything is included. So to be fully the self, that includes everything. And then another thing that Suzuki Roshi emphasizes for us to understand what the self is, that we could just fully allow ourselves to be and thereby manifest zazen and be of real benefit to one another.

[30:18]

The second related thing is to not try to figure out who you are which is maybe confusing because you've come, maybe somebody's reason for coming is to figure out who you are, and then you get this teaching of, okay, the main thing is, don't try to figure out who you are. He says, you know, when you try to figure out who you are, you are using your self-centered, limited mind, and it doesn't work. You're trying to figure out something, who you are. You can't figure out the who you are that includes everything. It's just the fact that there's anything. It's not a fact within things. You know what I mean? It's not ourself as an object. It's not ourself as anything that we can grasp. To fully be.

[31:21]

as fully and thoroughly and unambivalently as the stone is the stone, to be this self that actually just in our obvious everyday experience of it isn't actually separate from anything that's happening in the field of our being. And that we don't need to like separate or figure out, get a hold of that because that can't be gotten a hold of. It's always changing. It's ungraspable. So it's kind of good, I guess, in Zen practice, it's good to really want to know who you are and then not figure out who you are. Those two things are really helpful to have side by side. Maybe not so helpful if you have no curiosity about what your self is or what the being alive is. Then maybe somebody saying don't even try to figure out who you are is not so helpful. But if you kind of want to know, like, what is this thing?

[32:24]

What is this being alive? Say, okay, that is such an important question. Don't move. Don't try to figure that out. Just be it. Be the thing fully. Put that on itself. Settle the self on the self. Be this experience. Stop separating from it and trying to get a hold of it. So don't try to figure it out now. If you have the opportunity like, hmm, who am I? Don't try to figure it out. And if you've ever figured anything out about it before, please, Forget that. Like your name and that you have arms and legs and stuff. That's stuff we figured out a while back, you know. A little while after we were baby, we were like, wow, I have arms and legs. I don't know, actually, baby. I think it takes a while to learn to see yourself in this separate objectified way of, oh, I'm a human being with arms and legs.

[33:29]

Because that's not what it's like. To be here right now. It's not like that. That's what it is from the outside. But right now, if you connect with the feeling of being in this space, it includes everything. And it doesn't have arms and legs. And it doesn't, you know, you will respond to your name. Part of what it does is respond to your name. So going forward to not try to get a hold of it or figure it out, And then to forget or kind of unfigure out anything that you figured out about it. And then, you know, like on Sunday, come to Zen Center, forget everything. On Wednesday, go to therapy, figure out who you are and like how to untangle the knots in your conditioning. Please, for Oliver's sake. And then, you know, on Sunday, come back and forget it all again.

[34:30]

That's not who you are either. What you are is this being a liveness that has no inside or outside, that includes everything. And embodying that, fully just being, okay, we are life itself. That is trustworthy. That life is intimate, is tender, is loving, is awake. So we say everything is Buddha. Everything is not separate from anything. So for the forgetting, he says, when you practice forgetting yourself, forgetting where you are and how long you have been here, it's a good one for late in a Dharma talk. Just getting started. How long forgetting where you are, when you practice forgetting yourself, forgetting where you are and how long you have been here, then your practice includes everything.

[35:36]

You forget, then it includes everything. That is Zen, in a nutshell, I really feel. And that then, because it's including everything, compassionate activity will follow from that when you practice forgetting yourself, forgetting where you are and how long you have been here, then your practice includes everything. This is also beginner's mind. Beginner's mind. It's like, how long have I been here? I just got here. That's beginner's mind. Fresh. Just coming to life. Moment after moment. So when you say, Suzuki Roshi continues, When you say, I practice at Zen Center, I and Zen Center are extra. You are limiting your practice by the idea of Zen Center or my practice.

[36:46]

When you say my practice, the practice is very small. When you say Zen Center, the practice is very limited. When you forget all about those kinds of ideas, and just practice, then at that time, your practice is perfect and includes everything past, present, and future. That is the point of practice. well there's more I could share and I'll share just one part in closing another area where Suzuki Roshi helps us to understand and inspire us to just completely be as we are appreciating that completely being as we are includes everything

[38:20]

and is trustworthy. He says, so we say just to sit, or a should be just a, the stone should be just a stone, human being should be just a human being. Sorry, that's my addition. So we say just to sit, or a should be just a, and this just, directly points out liberation from A. You're not caught by being yourself when you're just fully yourself. It's a really important point, but maybe for another day. This just, when you're just yourself, the way a stone is just a stone, you're actually free. You're free of manipulating life. You actually are free to just be what is here.

[39:23]

So he says, you only lose your reality because you try to be something else. Do you understand? I should be just a, just I. Then I have liberation, enlightenment. I am not caught. I am not a ghost. I exist here. I am Buddha. Wonderful. I lose my reality when even in this subtle way I try to be something else. So the invitation to be myself is an invitation to study also how I'm, what that little extra thing is that's making me kind of ghost-like, that's making me lose my reality. And he says, this is not some fancy teaching. No teaching could be more direct than just to sit.

[40:28]

Just to sit as yourself. The sitting is just being this self. With no idea of what it is. Appreciating that it includes everything. And not trying to wiggle out in even the most subtle way. And the teaching is that living in this way, hearing the teaching of the stone and following the stone's path, just being how we are, is actually the way to benefit and support and nourish suffering beings. So... That's the point. And that's why you might take up such a practice. Thank you for meditating on that topic with me for a little while this morning.

[41:39]

We have time for one or two comments if anyone wants to share anything. you for your talk. I appreciate it. I just want to read something I came across about being a jerk. Half of life is lost in charming others. The other half is lost in going through anxieties caused by others. Leave this play. You have played enough. Thank you. Thank you. Have we played enough? Can I hear an amen? We have played enough.

[42:42]

Lay it down. Just be as completely as the stone is a stone. Thank you. Well, once again, I enjoy your talks, and it's because of your humor. Thank you. It's all very funny. Stone, it's like if the stones got together, you know. It's actually exactly like that. The stones all get together, you know. Be like, oh, it's hard to be a stone. How should we be a stone? They say, look at those human beings, you know. They're just like chirping and quacking and doing their weird thing. We should be like that. They're just totally expressing themselves. And then the stone, I feel like, yeah, I need to stop like trying to wiggle out of being a stone. So when I first saw you, you intimidated me because you look so serious. Yeah, I try to work on the eyes. Yes. And then you started cracking me up, and I looked at all the other priests lying along the road.

[43:48]

I can see some rolling their eyes. So thank you for bringing the humor. Thank you. May they roll their eyes at me forever, please? So thank you for being you. Thank you. Yeah. Likewise. There's one question. Or maybe somewhere else. Two more and then we'll end. Thank you so much. It was such a gift. I wonder if when you feel like yourself, when you're just being yourself and you're in it, do you ever surprise yourself? And could you share anything about whether or not, when you're yourself, are you surprised at what that's about or what that's like, if there's anything there to share? Thank you. Thank you. I mean, yeah.

[44:49]

So Suzuki Roshi says, well, I often find, like, that I don't know. I mean, I never know where... I don't understand what's happening, you know, as a human being. Maybe I've just, because I'm not like, I'm just, I forgot how to get a hold of it. I remember, I mean, there's lots of evidence that I remember and I'm clinging really thoroughly, but where does our own action come from? To be surprised by our own activity really is available every moment. You know, there's even this kind of question of like, does our activity happen before our decision to do the activity? And it seems like probably it does, that we're kind of already acting before we decide to act, which is really creepy. If you take that to the bottom, you can't be really a self anymore. You are just this life that includes everything.

[45:51]

And so you can relax because the decision's already unfolding. Now, if you try to use that to try to get out of something, then you're just complicating things. So yeah, that our own action, when we're in beginner's mind, our own activity surprises us. And I think for me, Suzuki Roshi says this thing, which is just a very standard feature of our tradition, which is like Buddha's words are what come from an empty mind. So that kind of trust, this is a kind of everyday way that I practice this sort of trusting. that the best way to meet what's here is with an empty mind. And then already you're surprised because you didn't generate the response. And I've been surprised also by teachers that I'm talking to, like, I don't think you knew, I don't think you knew what you just said, you know, or why, or there, but there's something intuitively resonant about it. So there's a kind of, uh,

[46:56]

Yeah, I'm more interested in something that I didn't fabricate than in something that I fabricated. I wonder how it is for you. Are you sometimes surprised by your so-called self or your activity? Often. Yeah. And it feels like it comes from a willingness to be a channel for energy and not trying to manipulate it, but just to be here and to do the thing. But it's often surprising and open. And I feel like that I don't hear a lot of people talk about the shock of how it is to be yourself moment to moment, which is why I asked. Thank you. Thank you. That's maybe a good, like, not that we should measure exactly, but a good indicator or a good kind of sign that beginner's mind is in the area, you know, when we're just a little surprised all the time that there's anything like, wow, my kitchen is a mess. I had no idea.

[48:01]

To be surprised, even though every single day has been the same, you know, not know how long we've been here. Thank you very much for that. So one more. Thank you. Hi, thank you so much for your talk. I guess I'm just... struggling with maybe the people in the world that are not being their best selves and the really tragic violence that's happening in the Middle East. And I guess I'm just wondering, how do you apply your words to both how do we sit with people kind of the helplessness of watching what's happening both in this country and, you know, in the Middle East.

[49:03]

And when people are not practicing what you're asking, I guess, where do we find hope? I'm feeling very hopeless about the state of the world, and I don't know if there's some connection you can make to your wisdom and that. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks very much. Fundamental question. And part of why, you know, it's hard to trust just being ourself is like, well, maybe I'm a jerk, but also seems like a lot of other people would be really good if they were different than they are. A great harm that we cause each other. So to fully be this self that includes the joy and the intimacy and the bottomless grief and the helplessness.

[50:21]

He says, when you are really yourself, all the parts are included. Everything is included. So I don't know exactly what to do about the world. that I trust the ground of this practice of including the whole thing and not separating from it. Not separating from it. All of it is the ground of my own life. And trusting that whatever little or large beneficial action I can manifest in the world, I want to be grounded in this non-separation. Does that help me control other people? I don't know. Is that enough to heal the world? I don't know. Is it for me a more nourishing and better way to try to manifest compassion than the separating and objectifying?

[51:38]

I trust it more deeply anyway. I would also add, in exploration of your point, not at all in exhausting it, that's just the point that suffuses our whole turning towards the Dharma, what to do about the suffering world, how to meet the suffering world in ourselves and in others. that everything is just itself, that I am just myself, isn't an excuse. It's not an excuse to be a jerk. It's like, well, don't blame me. I'm just life itself, including everything, and I happen to be a jerk. That it's not an excuse. The natural mature being is saying, I'm sorry, not don't blame me. I'm not a self. In the same way, Everything is just being itself isn't like excusing something or saying, therefore, cut off your natural longing to help everything to be its best.

[52:49]

This is about opening to be more fully engaged in our life, not about sort of dampening. I hope that's clear. So Suzuki Roshi says, the point of our practice is to see things as they are, appreciate things as they are, and help them to be their best. Or help to nourish them as they grow. welcoming and including and allowing every single thing that's here past the ground of our response.

[54:10]

Thanks so much. May I And if you look back at him, I'll hold you up this way. He's not going to rest. I can't get any of that. I will not just say that. If I wish nothing, this is not forever. I can't get any of that. I will not just say that. But I don't know if I was going to be the same case as [...] I was going to be the same case

[55:24]

To be continued, I'm sorry, [...] I'm sorry. The end of the business, I don't think I'm ready for this. [...] Thank you.

[56:28]

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