This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good morning. First, I wanted to thank you for kindness you showed last time I spoke by just witnessing and being here and by being here holding space. Later that day I kind of suddenly, even though I knew it mentally, all along since I'm 18.

[01:02]

I experience kind of whole bodily, whole mindly together that this is a baby. This is the experience of the baby. And with that immediately the response that we would have towards a baby in distress was just present. That shifted something. It's like that awoken baby body that was just manifesting with all its feelings was met felt met calmed down got what it needed and so you all helped with that and maybe you know when we speak like that about some

[02:31]

distressing experience, since our bodies are so completely, totally interconnected, it may trigger wake-up experiences, similar experiences that you may have had. And you may have felt some stuff come up that you'd rather not feel. Because we usually don't consciously invite it, even though if we try to, we can't really. They come up based on causes and conditions that support them, and we can't control all of those. So we can't say, today I'm going to work on my mother. And then we can't just conjure her up. Or what we do is mostly then, it's not fully alive, it's just a mental exercise. So I just wanted to appreciate that, and I hope I didn't cause any distraction or re-traumatizing in any of you.

[03:43]

So I also said when I... I had no idea I would talk about body so much. But here we are. I find myself kind of returning to body over and over. So I went and thought, I look, you know, what Dogen says. And the practice for me has always been a body practice, when I arrived at Zen Center, every time I tried to read one of those Buddhist books, my mind would just get confused. And I would get either discouraged or upset, or it was just absolutely not helpful for me. But what I felt was helpful is to sit, to do whatever I do mindfully,

[04:49]

It was for me a completely physical practice. And when I engaged the forms and engaged the body in being present, I felt like I was on a path. It felt like I was moving in the right direction even though I couldn't say what that was. I couldn't define it. But then during service, we chant these chants every day. We change them, but for years I've been chanting those. So then sometimes there will be an experience and one of those phrases will come fly in. It felt like, you know, that we would chant. I can't remember one right now, but that would come in and say, oh, that's what he means. That's what they mean.

[05:52]

So for me, the way study is not an entry gate. I've tried innumerable times since I started to go to school. It's not an entry gate for me. But that doesn't mean it may well be an entry gate for you. But now sometimes when I read Dogen, which usually just... frustrates me no end because it seems like whipping cream or something even though it's my favorite food but maybe egg white would be better better analogy but then sometimes I have to read Dogen you know because rep requires something and then I read through these fascicles or in senior seminars when they discuss these lofty things about the Sandhya Nirmarjana Sutra and they all seem to know what they're talking about and I have no idea.

[07:07]

There's always at some point or usually at some point one phrase which just connects with experience actual experience. So please, Dogen, forgive me. I may totally misquote you and misinterpret you, but this is what stood out for me when I looked this time. And I looked at body and mind study of the way. Shinjin Gakudo. It's one of his fascicles in the Shobo Genzo. And what struck me again is the translation puts body and mind, body first, body and mind, study of the way. But then Dogen goes on about the mind for maybe more than half of the fascicle.

[08:10]

It doesn't go with body first. But then, so I kept looking, when, where, when is the body coming up? Is it coming up? When is it coming up? Then it comes up. Finally, for me, and it goes, for the time being, let us say there are two approaches to study the way. To study with mind and to study with body. So will you please remember that? Because we hear mostly about mind and very little about body. To study the way with the body means to study the way with your own body. It is the study of the way using this lump of red flesh. which is really meaning it's using really this alive body that we are living in, or our life is expressing itself through.

[09:21]

The entire world of the ten directions is nothing but the true human body. Then it has a little star. So I went to look what is the true human body. They're the three bodies of Buddha. The Dharmakaya, Hoxing, is the indescribable body, the absolute aspect of the truth. The Sambhogakaya is the enjoyment or bliss body, the purified body associated with the fruit of practice. the Nirmanakaya, the manifestation body that appears in the world and acts for the benefit of beings. To study the way with the body means to study the way with your own body.

[10:29]

It is the study of the way using this lump of red flesh. The entire world of the ten directions is nothing but the true human body. So, we're in the fifth day of Sashin, and we all have been actually incredibly helped by the weather gods to really practice with our own bodies. And we all have had to negotiate that amazing cold. I mean, it was just amazing. You would think it couldn't get colder, and it could, you know. And then it got a little warmer, and you felt it was very much warmer, even though it was probably only a little bit warmer. Now it's getting colder again, you know. And you go, what? And...

[11:30]

everybody had to negotiate and find their way with hot water bottles. You know, I wish we had a video of this whole practice period, you know, somebody who would shoot videos because what you saw lying around, what you saw walking around, what you saw happening, you know, it's really wonderful. And it's all finding the way with this amazing cold. Finding and everybody had to find their unique own way, given their unique circumstances of cabins that are supposed to have heat but are actually only marginally less cold than the outside, and other cabins that have no heat at all from the beginning, and frozen pipes, and broken pipes, and leaking pipes, and not water running where it shouldn't run. running where it shouldn't and so we all really engaged in body practice and I wonder how much you really it helped you be in your body or how much you jumped into your mind to get away from it and the invitation is

[12:57]

be in it. And the whole liturgy that we have here, all those innumerable forms are actually body practices. Bowing is not a mind practice. Bowing is a body practice. Of course, hopefully your mind is with your body when you practice bowing, but it's a physical activity. You know, so it's not like the mind is completely, it's drop body and mind. Again, the body actually comes always first, which I find funny. Kind of, why doesn't he say drop mind and body? Just drop body and mind. Because they're one.

[13:59]

You can't just drop the mind and you can't just drop the body. They belong, they're one thing. And what this meant is drop all our concepts, keep dropping the ideas we have about mind and about body to let it kind of be dropped by tending to the momentary experience which is continuously changing. So we've sat four days struggled or didn't struggle with the cold that four days and now we have three more days including today to really settle I think everybody has settled to some degree have found their ways it's wonderful to have some people lying down in the middle here finding their way with their body at this time.

[15:02]

And it will continue to find your way. And the main thing is really to cultivate kindness. That is the bottom line. And I want to read to you what Suzuki Roshi says. Our aim, the title of this from Not Always So, is Be Kind with Yourself. Our aim is to have complete experience or full feeling in each moment of practice. What we teach is that enlightenment and practice are one. But my practice was what we call step ladder's end. And then he explains what that was. I understand this much now and next year.

[16:08]

Oh, sorry. My practice was what we call stepladder zen. I understand this much now and next year I thought I will understand a little bit more. That kind of practice doesn't make much sense. I could never be satisfied. If you try stepladder practice, maybe you too will realize that it is a mistake. So the practice is always thinking, I will know more, I will know more, I will know more, it will get better. That's what he calls stepladder zen. If we do not have some warm, big satisfaction in our practice, That is not true practice. If we do not have some warm, big satisfaction in our practice, that is not true practice.

[17:10]

Even though you sit, trying to have the right posture and counting your breath, it may still be lifeless Zazen, because you are just following instructions. You are not kind enough with yourself. You are not kind enough with yourself. You think that if you follow the instructions given by some teachers, then you will have good practice. But the purpose of instruction is to encourage you to be kind with yourself. Do not count your breath just to avoid your thinking mind, and I want to add, or anything you're feeling, might be feeling or sensing, but to take the best care of your breathing.

[18:16]

Do not count your breath just to avoid your thinking mind, but to take the best care of your breathing. If you are very kind with your breathing, one breath after another, you will have a refreshed, warm feeling in your zazen. When you have a warm feeling in your body and your breath, then you can take care of your practice and you will be fully satisfied. When you are very kind with yourself, naturally you will feel like this. A mother will take care of her child even though she may have no idea how to make her baby happy. Similarly, when you take care of your posture and your breathing, there is a warm feeling in it. When you have a warm feeling in your practice, that is a good example of the great mercy of Buddha. Whether you are a priest or a layperson, this practice will extend to your everyday life.

[19:24]

When you take the utmost care of what you do, then you feel good. So we have an opportunity to tend in a kind way to ourselves these remaining days. Tomorrow will be a silent day, no talk, no chanting, just taking care of this lump of red flesh, this body, this warm body with a heart beating in it, with breath coming and going, sensations, thoughts, feelings happening moment by moment. Hema Churgeon says something along the lines, to be kind to ourselves is absolutely crucial because when we look into our own hearts, into our own experiences, with uprightness and radical honesty, not judgmental, just being interested in what is and find what is sweet and what is bitter, we don't only

[20:52]

encounter what is sweet and what is bitter inside our hearts, but we actually encounter the whole universe. And that's when Dogen says, I think the entire world of the Ten Directions is nothing but the true human body. Then Dogen goes on to turn this body around, abandoning the ten unwholesome actions, keeping the eight precepts, taking refuge in the three treasures, and leaving home, entering the homeless life, is the true study of the way. So the ten unwholesome actions are killing living beings, stealing, sexual misconduct, false speech, malicious speech, harsh speech, gossip, coveting, ill will, and wrong use.

[22:05]

So these are Also, body practices, which actually we can do while we're sitting Sashin, of not killing life, not killing what arises, not denying what's happening, not taking what is not given, to really see if you can wholeheartedly give yourself to the experience with a nonjudgmental, a kind mind, a willing mind that is interested to see what is it, what is it, how does it manifest, how can I be in the best way

[23:20]

experiencing this relaxed, the most relaxed way of, can I relax in the middle of it? Can I be present with it, in it, as it is happening? How do I talk to myself? Or how do I think about people around us? All those are, you know when they arise, and you know where you have tendencies. And they can come up in Sashin, and this is a wonderful place to really see what they do, what happens when those thoughts come up in my body. What happens when an old grudge comes up, and how does it affect the body and the breathing? When a loving feeling comes up, how does it affect the body?

[24:20]

When distractions come up, what am I distracting away from and how does that feel and how does it feel when I return to what I want to avoid? And I think that when Dogen says, you know, to abstain from the ten unwholesome actions, keep the eight precepts, which are about the same things, taking refuge in the three treasures and leaving home and entering the homeless life.

[25:49]

And then later he says, these are practices for priests or monks and lay people. So I think when leaving home or the homeless life has actually something to do with right view, you know, fixed views is meant as home or having abodes. And having no abode, like a bodhisattva has no abode, it says in the Heart Sutra, we chant every day, has no fixed views about anything, about themselves, their bodies, other people, other people's bodies, other people's actions. It's just, oh, this is how it appears or how I see it. So I had an interaction just a couple of days ago with where I said something to somebody, and then afterwards realized, actually, I stated a request, amongst other things, and I realized afterwards, my body didn't feel so, didn't feel calm, it felt rather not calm.

[27:11]

Afterwards, so I thought, what? What's going on? And I realized, actually, I had not the problem what I said, but there was a problem with how much energy I said what I said. There was a charge to it that had nothing to do with the topic I was talking about, and the request I was making, nor with the person I was talking to. So I wrote the note and apologized and asked if, and said I'm sorry for that charge and extra energy and I apologized and I hoped the person could forgive me. Then later I got a note with something that happened for the person.

[28:17]

And there was so much more to what happened because I responded to two things that were visible to me. But what was visible to me was such a tiny little bit of what actually had happened so that that's keeping that in mind that we don't see the full picture. And we mostly react on what we see or notice, and then we feel like we need to have a response, which we may still have when we know the full picture, but we might, you know, keep in mind that we actually do not have the full picture, and never do. until we're fully awake, then maybe we do. So, to really abandon fixed views about yourself, that's what I want to come back, about yourself and your body and what it needs and how it needs it and when it needs it and not, that doesn't mean abandoning your needs.

[29:36]

It means abandoning ideas that maybe you have formed in those first three cold days. This is how I have to do it. And you never check back whether that's still true or not. Maybe it has changed in the meantime. So fixed views feel so safe. They feel like home. Now I figured it out how to get through the rest of this machine. And I'm going to keep to this because this is how it's going to get me through. And what happens when we do that? We get through, but we may have missed the aliveness of each moment or of finding out, oh, today actually whatever I need, I don't need at that time. I don't need it at all today, or I need more of it, or I need it at another time. So can we stay open? Can we keep not kind of... That's homelessness. That's having no abode. And to do that with kindness and with an open heart and with curiosity.

[30:41]

And so I think when Suki Roshi says there should be a warm feeling, there shouldn't be like gritting my teeth and, you know, clenching everything and getting through. That's not what this practice is about. That might happen for a moment, but when we notice that, then we can kind of relax and go, is that really necessary? Can I be with the experience or can I experience what presents itself with a relaxedness, with some measure of interest? What helps there is to really also pay attention what kind of judgments come in because they also help greatly with not being relaxed. They support tension.

[31:43]

Does anybody want to say something or ask a question? Yes, come on. I had a shift in kindness that I wanted to share. Excuse me? I had a shift in kindness that I wanted to share. She pointed out how my whip crackers are still pretty active. I was noticing by day three I had my lips that she was break down already. Because I felt like it was rushing everywhere. And then I just put there with enough time to like get my whole bottle of water, get to the bath, get to this mat mat, do my teeth, like everything was... And I was like, can you work practice and like take a break? You know, like I felt like it was like getting like angry at them and I was like, well, They're actually kind of useful at times. So maybe what I did was I swapped out their whips with these little ones that when they crack them, shoot out sparkles and unicorns and soft puppy bellies and all these little things that when I get whipped by them, it's like, oh, that feels nice.

[33:15]

Thank you. And then they started whipping each other, which was hilarious, because they're these little hooded mean guys. And then they were like, cracking each other up because they were like, ha, ha, ha, no, you're like laughing. And it was adorable. And all of a sudden, all this tension kind of started to melt away. And then I was like, but you guys, I'm actually having a moment where I need to be upset. Don't just start cracking on me to change what I feel. But it was really, yeah, I think it resonated with that, this kindness, this format, it's usually a kind of how this aversion feeling, like, oh, I'm bringing more Zaza, you know. And it's like, oh, it's nice when I actually enjoy what it's like to be, but still, like, feel that one. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, Jeremy.

[34:25]

So last night I couldn't pee very well. And I took the last period of zaza off, and I took the one off this morning. And I talked to somebody about taking a lot more off because I didn't come actually get sick. And so as I was like laying in bed, not able to breathe, I kind of started questioning a lot why I'm here, because I could die here, because I can't breathe. And it was interesting, because it's like I wasn't on my cushion, but I was still doing zazen, or investigating life. Yes. It's new, because I'm used to pushing myself to do that there please say yes to me I think that's wonderful that you by taking care of your body got an experience that doesn't belong to the cushion that you can

[35:48]

You can be in that space or meet what's happening with that kind of mind wherever you are. So thank you for taking care of yourself. And please continue to take good care of yourself. And that reminds me of what I also wanted to say. Somebody said that to me many, many, many years ago. He said, you know, always think... that everybody is always doing the very best that they can. And I practiced that for quite a while and it was marvelous. It's actually a transformative practice and I just realized I forgot it again. So you reminded me that if we look with that mind that everybody's always making their very best effort, there's something kind of drops away, the comparing, and also it's rather than looking how my mind might go, oh, you know, I don't know what.

[36:59]

You have an example? Yes. So giving the generous act of everyone's always doing the best they can. Yes. Plus, you don't know. Yes. That's the thing. You can't know. Yes. Yes, exactly. Thank you, Kitchen. Yeah, so... So we're all doing our very best. And we can notice when a habit comes in and we're not happy with how that turns out. We can work with that, but each one is working with that all the time.

[38:06]

So that's part of why I really appreciate that a few people are lying down here. Because there are three noble postures, sitting, standing, walk. you know, standing, walking, and lying down and sitting. So to open that up, that we can be here and lie down. We can go to our bed and lie down if that's what we need to do. And we can stay connected by communicating. So we're still part of the body. But that's really... So thank you for reminding me of that, Jeremy. Yes. described the body as this lump of red flesh and that doesn't sound like the kindest way to describe the body. It sounds a little dismissive or almost like genuine, I don't know, not identifying with it.

[39:07]

I'm just wondering why do you think he described it that way? I don't know. I don't know if that To me what comes up right now is I think it relates to the raw. And raw means without any machinations, without any concepts mixed in it, just raw. the raw experience of life through this body. So that's why what I would think is because it's a piece of red meat, flesh. So it's not the body we think we have ideas about.

[40:12]

It's the immediate, the raw experience. And then I don't know how much also it has, it's still something that comes from the earlier Buddhism, the Theravada Buddhism, which tried to work for, which approaches to kind of let go of attachment by thinking of the body as putrefying, pussy, yucco, you know, orifices and stuff, which I don't find very helpful either. I don't know. I mean, that for me is making it into something that it is not either. So don't hang yourself up on those three words. Yes.

[41:16]

also speaking of Suzuki Roshi and this kind of warm feeling that he's talking about in Zazen. And it sort of reminds me of, you know, there's intellectual knowledge and there's also, I think, really kind of mystical knowledge that I think can be found in Zazen. I think when Suzuki Roshi's talking about that warm feeling, talking about either Zazen or the body, there is something about that. Yeah. And Suzuki Roshi knows a lot about Dogen. You know, talks about Dogen a lot too in his talks and refers to Dogen. So it's not one or the other. They don't... When I say that, that's really my own experience. I don't mean that's what Dogen is or what he means or what he's saying.

[42:34]

I just say for me it's a challenge and it's but I found my way. I've stopped trying to study Dogen. I go and look for some things when I have to and I just wait if anything clicks. And sometimes it's one sentence in a fascicle and sometimes it's no sentence. And then three years later a sentence clicks. So it's just... But I want to just emphasize in this practice period to really include your real, your current body that you're living with 24 hours a day. Thank you. Yes. getting back to the thing about someone doing the best they can when you teach children you see that so well because you know they really are at that moment doing the best they can and when they know better or when they know different they'll do different and I just want to be sure that we don't forget and get a fixed view of if we have a problem you know have to lie down or want to like whatever but that's not fixed either at any moment

[44:00]

Yes. And so it's really very fluid that you're doing the best you can and you're always, you know, changing as well. Yes. Thank you. Yes, that's... Yeah. Yes. I had a computer professor in college, part of a group that would... meet, and they work on computer programs that they give away for free. The principles for this group. I remember the first one, but where I've been practicing with all this practice, the first rule is whoever shows up are the right people. That's great. Yes. Yes. Yes. But I think that that's true. I mean... And in Buddhism you would say also whoever doesn't show up are the right people too.

[45:07]

But whoever shows up, yes, we tend to look, often we tend to look at, you know, if not everybody's here, I'm not supported. And if you see, oh, I'm supported by one more person here or two more people here, then... That's the right people. Yes. Yes. Oh, great. Yes. [...] There were two people just like this person. Yes. To do this job together. So quickly. It will be so much easier if all my photos are like this. Yes. If it's here, then it must. You're right. I must be right for the job. Yes. That's wonderful to use it this way.

[46:17]

Did everybody understand that? No? So she said not only people, she takes it, Alison also takes it... Whatever shows up, whatever feeling, whatever experience is the right experience for the moment is going to be helpful ultimately to the endeavor. So it goes past people. Is that correct? Yes, Sidi. outside this place is so powerful so this energy is so strong my little body can't deal with it all at times and so I just wanted to say that it's not just us it's the power of this place that we're experiencing that is really intense I feel and the stars are so

[47:33]

quite a bit bright, and I think the moon was just... I could hear people sort of going around and stuff, you know, late at night, and it just was like, no wonder I feel like I'm being mashed here. So it's not just a regular place. I don't know if you realize that or not. Well, you are experiencing your body being the entire world. Yes. Thank you for sharing that. Yes, Tanto. The moon is waxing. It's getting fuller, brighter. There's a rabbit in the moon. The rabbit has a mortar and pestle. She's grinding out enlightenment.

[48:37]

The thing at the bottom of the mortar and pestle is us. Thank you. That will make for a very calm sitting. But maybe it could generate some heat. Ino-san, can you tell me the time, please? It's 18 minutes after 10. Okay. Good. I think we'll stop here. Thank you all for making all this enormous, patient, kind effort of showing up and showing up, showing up just the way you are here or in bed or

[49:40]

wherever. Just thank you so much for that. And let's go for a walk. Oh, and I also wanted to say... No, I'll say it later. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge. and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

[50:22]

@Transcribed_UNK
@Text_v005
@Score_91.5