you Amen.

[12:16]

Amen. Amen. to teach the truth as the Thakata's words. And I'm surpassed, penetrating, and the perfect Dharma. It is ready, even in a hundred thousand million kalpas, having to see and listen to, to remember and accept I bow to Jesus' spirit of the Declada's words. An unsurpassed benefiting in the perfect dharma is relieved even in a hundred thousand million guppas.

[13:33]

Having you to see and listen to the Good morning. Thank you all for coming. Thank you. of you who made the trip today and those also online. Thank you as always for being here. And I wonder what will happen next.

[14:34]

I wonder what sort of effort we all are here wishing to be making or maybe maybe somebody came thinking that someone else would make an effort but my idea is that we all make an effort together and my faith or my is that the reason we all showed up here today is because there's some effort that we want to practice making. The way that that effort is expressing itself for me today is intimacy, intimacy, So Zen is this sort of funny opportunity and this time together this morning is a wonderful opportunity to practice intimacy.

[15:53]

It's totally optional. It's fine to go through your life not intimate if you'd like. Many of us have long experience of that. We can live You know, maybe not even many people would notice if we check out and just live in a ghost-like existence. But something in us doesn't really want to live a ghost-like existence. We want to be totally here while we're here and intimate with our being alive. Intimate with each other. Intimate with the sounds and the light and the sensations and each other. Do you want that? I want that.

[16:56]

So then the challenge or sort of where Zen, you know, starts to fill up all the bookshelves. It's like, how are we going to do that exactly? How do we connect and stay connected with each other, with ourselves, with each thing that's happening in this life? And I don't know. We explore that. Zen is a kind of field where we explore that intention. And that's why it lasts thousands of years and keeps nourishing us in our life is because any moment we're not sure how to be intimate with what's in front of us. So it's not like we get a strategy. and know how to be intimate, and now we're set no matter what happens. It's this kind of constant inquiry or intention.

[18:00]

So thank you for coming to practice that. And it's just interesting to observe, you know, if that speaks to you, If you feel, yeah, I do want to be intimate, like now, with the light and the sound, my body, the sensations, my neighbors. I want to be totally open to this experience and giving myself fully to it. It's interesting if you give rise to that in your heart and mind, what do you do? What sort of technique or practice unfolds from that? So we sort of start with that intention and then some kind of practice or technique unfolds from that. Does that make sense? Rather than start with the technique and say, this is how to do something. It's like, oh yeah, I want to do something. Now I'm seeking for that. How do I be present here? I could not be, but I want to be. Okay. And there's so much wisdom.

[19:22]

There's so much wisdom here. It's so silly that I'm here saying something when there's so much wisdom, even right now, of each of you finding that little effort to connect with what's happening. So today is, I think, December 8th, which is sort of a big day in our practice, calendar. It's called Rohatsu or December 8th. And it's the day we celebrate Buddha's awakening. And also today, it happens to be the first day of a seven-day meditation intensive that will start this evening called a seshin or seven days of gathering the whole being. together in intimacy and you know at San Francisco Zen Center we kind of we do everything a little bit wrong we're always so the usual way the tradition is you sit for seven days the first seven days of December you sit and then this is sort of reenacting the Buddha's process so the Buddha had this great devotion and resolve and

[20:48]

And sat under the Bodhi tree and said, I need to be intimate with what's here. And I'm actually not going to get up until I figure out how to connect with the life that I have. And so he made this great effort and then dropped it. Then the dropping it was maybe the most helpful thing he did. But anyway, he couldn't have dropped it if he hadn't done it. So he had made this great effort. And so then we sort of imitate that or celebrate that by making a great effort for seven days. And then on the morning of the eighth day, the Buddha saw the morning star and was awakened. And so then on the morning of our eighth day, we do a ceremony celebrating the awakening. But we have the Buddha's awakening first, and then we sit seven days, just because of how it happens this year.

[21:58]

We're not so strict in keeping our calendar fully to the traditional way. But that's kind of cool too, actually, and sort of speaks to Soto Zen practice, where the first thing is, awakening and then we sit just in the awakening that's already here so it's sort of nice actually to have seven days after awakening rather than seven days leading up to awakening because our teaching is that the intimacy our life as it is our could say oneness with everything the way that everything is our life nothing is hiding itself nothing is distant actually that's already just what's here that's just the reality of what's here and so our sitting isn't to like get close to stuff it's just sitting in the midst of that everything is already intimate hope that distinction makes sense sort of an important principle for us

[23:18]

And even right now, as we sit, trying to be intimate with what we're feeling and thinking and seeing and hearing, this ungraspable, obvious reality of being alive, we're trying to be intimate with that and may kind of picture it as some process, like something to go towards that's ahead of us. principle of the awakening is kind of already what's here we're sitting in the midst of it it's a little more like a release into what's already here oh oh i am already oh there's intimacy i'd have to like climb some mountain to be intimate it's just what's right in front of me everything is participating excruciatingly intimate as my own life So I wanted to tell a little story, as we often do, on a day like today, of the Buddha's awakening.

[24:36]

And my favorite of the accounts is the way that our San Francisco Zen Center founder, Suzuki Roshi, describes it. So I want to share a little bit about that, read some of what he wrote about that. event of the Buddha's awakening maybe for context I'll start with the talk that Suzuki Roshi is using when he's kind of the point that he's making in this talk where he talks about the Buddha's awakening of you have heard this talk being talked about so he says sharing the feeling we have sharing the feeling we have right here right now is the fundamental thing for Zen practice Zen is in a word to share our feeling with people with trees and with mountains wherever we are that is Zen practice

[25:59]

So it's a talk about intimacy. So sweet and tender to share the feeling we have and share in the feeling that is being offered by everything. You know, feeling It could mean like, you know, turn to your neighbor and tell them how you feel. But there's something of sharing the feeling in that the feeling of being alive, the feeling of being here is like not being enclosed. Am I making any sense? Sharing the feeling that we each have a different feeling and we're not confused about whose feeling is whose. You have your feeling of, well, in this case, what is he talking about exactly? And I have my feeling like, what am I talking about exactly?

[27:03]

So this is a bad example because we actually have the same feeling. But anyway, this is not about being confused about who's who in an interaction. That's just like not so intimate actually with yourself. It's about there's a feeling of being alive. a feeling of being here. And there's a feeling that our life is offering. So later he says, you know, when we're in the woods and we feel that we're in the woods, that's what our meditation practice is. When we're in this hall and feel like we're in this hall, feel the feeling of the hall, then that's meditation practice. Intimacy. feeling the feeling of where we are and giving our feeling to that. Anyway.

[28:07]

So he says, usually our mind is filled with something like ice cream or bananas or how much the soap costs in one store compared to another or by looking at the newspaper and seeing an ad for a sale. So it is almost impossible to share the actual feeling we have where we are right now. So our practice is to be intimate with what's here, and we're so distracted by the noise in our mind that we're kind of like not able to share in the feeling that's being offered to us, the feeling of each space that we're in. and to be our own full self, full being in that space, giving that feeling back to that space. It's like a way of talking about becoming one with our environment, about being transparent. So he says, because we have so much useless rubbish in our mind, it is hard to share our feeling with people, with things, with trees, or with mountains.

[29:22]

Even though we are right in the middle of the woods, it is still hard to appreciate the feeling of the woods. When we can really appreciate the feeling of the woods, that is Dazan or meditation. So whatever sort of effort you're making to kind of stay with it, to stay with this intention that you came with, you might observe like Suzuki Roshi does that thoughts about things other than what's here are not helping with that.

[30:25]

It's hard to feel what's around us Our mind is somewhere else. So the teaching is that our mind can be empty or that it's helpful to empty our mind. It's helpful to empty our mind so that our being can be filled with what's actually here. this is the kind of thing you expect to hear at his end talk. When I first heard such things, I thought, why would I want to have an empty mind? But now gradually I'm understanding that I want to have an empty mind so that everything can fill it, that I can be where I am. So then he tells a story about the Buddha. Before attaining enlightenment, Buddha practiced under many teachers,

[31:27]

studying many things and becoming caught up in various philosophies or religions. When he realized he was caught by this, he lost interest in such things. He got tired of that kind of effort and he gave up everything. So the Buddha had this kind of view or expectation that if he could get the right kind of practice or the right kind of or the right kind of thought, that then he could be fully alive, fully intimate with being. Because I think the Buddha also had this feeling of being a little bit separate or estranged from the miracle of life unfolding in front of him every moment. Some kind of intuition, like, I think something really special is happening here. that I'm not quite in touch with.

[32:31]

And I want to notice that and see if I can release that kind of estrangement or distance from this miracle. And so maybe if I kind of take on the right kind of understanding or practice the right religion or something. Or that if he kind of could figure something out with his mind that would help him. And then he realized that anything that he could come up with in his mind or that someone else could tell him in his mind was not actually really helping him to be intimate with where he was. And so he stopped making that kind of effort. We have this saying that... the most intimate thing is to not know.

[33:33]

So the Buddha was trying to be intimate with reality by kind of knowing stuff about, you know, how many levels of reality are there and whatever, the teachings that people have about reality, that that was going to kind of, or even like figure out who I am, get the right idea about who I am. For the Zen teaching, the most intimate way to be is to not know what something is. That's the most intimate way. So we want to connect with our life. The most intimate way is to have no idea what it is to be alive, which is actually pretty easy because we have no idea. None of our ideas make any sense, really. None of our ideas touch this actual experience of it. We notice that and then we give up trying to get the right idea. Suzuki Roshi has another piece where he says, don't try to figure out who you are, which is a great thing to tell people who are earnestly trying to figure out who they are.

[34:49]

It's maybe not such a good thing to tell somebody who's already not trying to figure out who they are. But first, you know, get curious about who am I? You ever wonder that? That's kind of part of why we come. Who am I? And am I like, I hear as completely as I can be. So I want to know who I am. So now I'm trying to figure out who I am. Get some angle on who I am. But who I am is totally ungraspable. It can't be known. because we're in it. So to really be intimate with it, we don't know what it is. So then Suzuki Roshi says, don't try to figure out who you are. Just be this thing. So then he says, finally, the Buddha sat under the Bodhi tree where he attained enlightenment.

[36:00]

He woke up to the fact that he was alive. There's this wonderful Japanese word, which means this kind of great awakening, like Buddha's great awakening. And it also means just to wake up and contact. So the Buddha just woke up and contacted just the way you can now, that I can now. Just come to your senses. Just wake up and contact. that you're alive, and that that contact is the same, really, the same substance as the Buddha's great awakening. He just really noticed that he is alive. Oh, this is so amazing. How could I have been missing this most obvious fact that I'm here? I've been so confused by the stuff happening, and grabbing onto this and that, that I've been missing the field.

[37:16]

So Suzuki Roshi says, we say the Buddha attained enlightenment, but it may be better to say he completely forgot everything. He had nothing in his mind at that moment. So he was silent and still, and he forgot everything. And he was wide open in that forgetting. So he had nothing in his mind at that moment. When he saw the morning star rising up from the east, it was the first thing he saw coming out of his empty mind. That is why he had such joy at the sight of the morning star. In other words, he shared his feeling with the morning star's feeling.

[38:22]

It is difficult to analyze whether it was the Buddha's feeling or the morning star's feeling. Anyway, he shared his feeling with the morning star. That was his enlightenment. He was silent and still and open. And he learned to be completely intimate with what was arising into that empty space, open, empty, still space.

[39:27]

Something happened and he shared his feeling with the morning star. The morning star shared its feeling with him. So I've been sharing with the practice period that we could consider doing the same sort of practice. To be still. And then to empty our mind. Which means that when something comes into our mind, we let it go. Having the empty, empty mind, it does not mean making sure nothing comes into your mind.

[40:38]

So sitting here still in touch with this intention of not wanting to miss our being alive together in this moment. If there's some thought like, I wonder what's for lunch. That's an excellent thought. that is totally welcome. And as soon as it lands, the image is, in Zen tradition, is of this bright mirror that is your ready, open being. Nothing is missing from our nature. It's this bright, open field. Everything is alive, interdependent, harmonious, in this bright, open field, this bright mirror. And onto that mirror falls this little flake of dust, I wonder what's for lunch, which doesn't really help you be here in this barn right now. So that thought lands, and now it's here with us, intimate with that, and then just wipe it away.

[41:45]

We just keep wiping the mirror. We just keep wiping the mirror clean. Does that sound like a good idea? You might, it's a fascinating thing to try as you try to empty your mind or just keep releasing the thoughts. Some of them don't want you to walk away. They're like, you don't understand, you really need me. Like, we have to figure out what's for lunch so that we'll be okay, you know. We might not be okay, which is true. And The thought isn't really going to help either way with whether we're okay. But that's the faith. That's the faith that we're cultivating in this practice is that we don't actually need all of that noise in our mind.

[42:50]

We're not helpless to all this noise in our mind. We're kind of keeping it there because we think it's helping us. I think. I think it's helping us. It's helping me. Plus, it's just a strong habit. So it's hard to have the faith in the empty mind. So anyway, we practice that, exploring, can we just clear our mind, be still, and clear our mind so that we can share the feeling of where we are, trusting that the best way to take care of our life and each other and our vow to be of benefit to others the best way to do that is going to be by being intimate with where we are every moment. So sit still and empty the mind and then open. So we can be still and have an empty mind and be in a place that we've been exploring in the practice period.

[43:58]

We've been mapping things a place called the ghost cave. We've been spending a lot of time in the ghost cave and figuring out exactly, you know, what rock is where. Very cozy in the ghost cave. The ghost cave is I'm still and my mind is kind of quiet, but I'm not actually intimate. I'm not sharing the feeling with what's here. And the tradition seems to think that a lot of meditators spend a lot of time in the ghost cave. And people who aren't meditators spend time in more interesting caves. You know? Like the rage cave and the longing cave. Anyway, these various caves that are very cozy and we have no idea what's going on outside of them. But meditators have a special cave. It's the ghost cave where we go and get real still and get real quiet and

[44:59]

are just like blank and absent. And then we say, my mind was quiet. I didn't have a single thought. I counted my breaths to 10. So something really important is missing that the teaching again and again is encouraging us. Open your eyes, open your ears, open your heart. Share the feeling of the space that you're in. That's the whole point. That's why we're becoming still. And that's why we're quieting our mind is to be in this bright field. with exactly what's here, everything coming to life, everything lively and animated, vibrant. So the Buddha was still and had an empty mind and was open, and so we practice in that same way. When we're sitting and also when we're walking and talking, finding the stillness, letting any thought other than the thought of what's right here fall away, and then being really open to the brightness and the light and the life that's here.

[46:06]

Thank you for your kind attention. we talk about the same thing over and over. You may have noticed. And we keep returning to be reminded the same thing over and over. You know, wanting to be fully right here and settling into you know, sharing this feeling of what's here, you might notice some kind of resistance to your life. And that's such a wonderful thing to notice. So if you're noticing that, excellent. To feel this like, I don't want to, or it's not quite right, or but this kind of little grind, you know?

[47:26]

So to become intimate with that, is there some holding back, like right now or just in your regular life, every day? What's keeping us from complete intimacy with each thing? Why is it so hard? Why did it take the Buddha? There's some kind of thing. And part of the wisdom of the teaching is that this thing is kind of something we're doing. We're participating in this thing. We're sort of like kind of doing this and all the time. Forgive me. I'm doing this all the time. And then I wonder, you know, why things feel distant. So this practice of noticing that, tending to that, taking care of that, when that's present, that's so wonderful. When we become quiet enough to feel that, to feel our intention, our deep longing to be intimate with what's here, to be nothing but what is moment after moment.

[48:38]

Feeling that intention and then we feel this little grind or rub or resistance to that. And can study and release that. I wanted to close today. Maybe if there's one or two comments, welcome them. And then, because it's December 8th, it seems important to me that we have a ceremony. So we'll have a ceremony at the end of our seven-day sashin. We will enact the Buddha's Awakening. But since today's December 8th, it feels important that we also do a quick ceremony this morning. So... there's a comment or two there's time for that and then close the talk and anyone who would like to participate you could just stand up and face the altar and we'll chant the heart sutra together and make some offerings to the Buddha and celebrate his profound intimacy with everything as an example for our own life

[49:54]

Is there any comment or shall we just close? Hi, thank you so much for your talk. I'm struggling with wondering, I guess two questions. How do we, I guess personally I'm dealing with some very deep grief and I wonder, I don't want to be present with it because it's so painful. And it just feels like it's never ending. And then I guess the other piece, the other question is just grappling with such deep sorrow about the quality of the air and the pollution and global warming and the impending administration. And how are we supposed to be? Just a small question. how do we be intimate with that and just like embrace it and, you know, not feel complete despair?

[51:05]

Thank you. Thank you. Right. That's a, it's a profound question. Thank you so much. You know, I'll just say briefly, as a pointer, I can't solve that for you. I can't take that away from you. If we, you know, is the longing to be intimate with being alive while we're here alive. You know, this grief and this sorrow and this despair is kind of like coming from that we love life. So, If we love life, do we actually want to be here for it? We want to be intimate with it. And if we want to be intimate with it, it coming as one thing, part of the way that we're not intimate with what's happening is we want to be intimate with the good part and not intimate with the bad part.

[52:22]

You know, I want to fully feel the feeling of the woods, you know, on that beautiful day when the leaves are falling on my walk. But I don't want to feel, you know, the bottomless grief and despair. But that's not how, you know, it's as a package. It's one thing. So you can make that decision and go into the cave of, I don't want to feel the grief and sorrow or I'm unable to. And That's a reasonable choice, I suppose. But you're also cutting off from the aliveness. Who are we? What are we? What is this life that we're so troubled by that it's not going as well as it could? We're freaking out that it's not going right without actually contacting what it is. So to honor life... especially with life being so precarious and suffering being so profound that we could actually be intimate with while we have the opportunity.

[53:26]

So that opening, that intimacy, sharing the feeling of what's here includes, welcomes everything, all of that grief and all of that light and makes more and more space for it all to be there. So I think it's the same practice. for your question. Thank you.

[54:44]

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