This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. So, good morning. It's the first Sunday of the month, and so it's a joy for me to see all of you. There's some smaller people here today. How nice to see you. Very beautiful. Oh my goodness, and there's more over here too. Thank you for coming today. And I wish for your sake that I could be playful and entertaining and fun. But I probably won't be. For one thing, I usually, for the kids talk, I bring my little hand puppet.

[01:09]

Do you remember? Some of you probably remember my little hand puppet named Ponce the pig. And Ponce didn't feel like getting up this morning. It's kind of sad. I feel a little bit lost without him. I wish that... Ponce could go everywhere with me, but as you grow up, you know, your toys change. You have different toys. So anyway, Ponce's not here with me. It's kind of sad, but I'm going to see what I can do without him. And later on we'll sing a little bit, and that part especially would be nice for Ponce to come here, but oh well. So today I wanted to talk with you about something Well, everything we talk about here, you know, we try to talk about important things. And, you know, one of the most important things is to have a sense of humor. So my Zen teacher, you know, because and then we think it's pretty funny, you know, like somebody once did a picture of a frog and the frog is, you know, just sitting like a frog.

[02:24]

But then the frog is saying, if people can become a Buddha, become enlightened, wise by sitting meditation, then surely I can become a Buddha too. So we think it's pretty funny if someone thinks this, then we say, he's sitting like a frog. He thinks he's more and better than everybody else does. Look at how great I am. So we think that's pretty funny. But then if you're not, look at how great I am, and if you're not, you know, you're just going along in your life and some things happen and other things don't, and then, well, that's kind of funny too. So we say it's really important to have a sense of humor about your life. You know, that some things work and some things don't. Sometimes you're happy, sometimes you're sad, and have a little...

[03:26]

And be able to laugh at yourself, this is very important. And we say in Zen, my teacher said, and if you can laugh at yourself, that's enlightenment. Then you've understood something. Now, what I wanted to talk to you about today, I wanted to tell you a particularly important story, important for me, about when I was a little boy. And I still remember this. My... Mother and father, sometimes they had a special name for me. In Zen and Buddhism, we say, you know, you have your ordinary nature and then you have your true nature or your Buddha nature, your spiritual nature. And then do other people see how beautiful you are? Because you know how beautiful you are. Each of you is perfectly beautiful, perfectly wonderful. And sometimes your parents have a name for this. My next door neighbor, or I saw someone recently, and her little girl is two years old.

[04:32]

So then she says to her little girl, would you like something to eat, pumpkin? And she calls her daughter pumpkin. And it's a way to say, because she calls it pumpkin, it's a way to say, oh, what a wonderful girl you are, my pumpkin. You're such a beautiful little girl, pumpkin. So whenever she calls her daughter Pumpkin, then you know she really loves her daughter, and her daughter is a very special person. And we're always trying to see the special person in one another, the special person that our child is, and the special person that mommy and daddy are. Each of us is special in this way, so sometimes we have a name, Pumpkin. Or we say, you know, the French sometimes say, mon petit, what is it? The little cauliflower or something? Mon petit choux? Anyway, so we have these different names for one another. And pet names. So I'm going to tell you a secret this morning, you know, what my mommy and daddy's pet name for me was.

[05:37]

Okay? My name is, my first name is Edward. And my last name is Browne. But my mother and father, when they were really happy with me and they saw how beautiful I was, they'd call me Eddie Bear. Eddie Bear. And then I knew, and Eddie Bear was the most wonderful person you could possibly be. You couldn't be a better person than Eddie Bear was. A more beautiful, wonderful, precious person than Eddie Bear. Then, and Eddie Bear, you know, usually, if you know about spelling, you know that usually you spell your first name with a capital letter. And then there's a space, and then there's a capital letter for your last name. But this is all lowercase letters. Eddie Bear. And no space between Eddie and Bear. Just Eddie Bear. And then I, oh, I'm so wonderful. And then, but sometimes they say, Edward Bear.

[06:38]

And It's kind of confusing because then you wonder, where did that special, precious little person go? That person who was so lovable and so wonderful that people said, Eddie Bear. Where did he go? Where did Eddie Bear go? And then some other bear took his place, Edward Bear. And what happened to beautiful Eddie Bear? So, and then they say, Edward Bear, you need to clean up your room. Edward Bear, stop playing around like that. Stop throwing things in the house. So, and then it doesn't seem like you're such a wonderful person anymore when, you know. So, and then every so often, Eddie Bear would come back and they'd say, oh, how nice. Hi, Eddie Bear. So, um, This is very interesting and we're all working on this.

[07:43]

So your mommies and daddies will try to see what a wonderful person you are and call you by your special name. But sometimes they'll forget. And you're somebody who needs improvement. So as many of you know, our Zen teacher Suzuki, she said, each of you is perfect just the way you are and you need improvement. And so each of us is like this and you try to, each of you please see if you can remember what a beautiful person you are. And this is very mysterious because sometimes people won't treat you like that. But you can remind yourself, remember, in my heart of hearts and my true nature, I'm a wonderful, beautiful person. the most precious person there is, very special. Okay?

[08:44]

And if I may say, you know, you're never going to be able to do everything the way that people would like you to, so then You try to see the best in others and bring out the best in others and see the best in yourself and bring out the best in yourself. Okay? Now are you ready for our song to sing about what we call the four vows? A year ago I wanted to teach you how to sing. Have you been practicing? It goes like this. We're going to wake up all the beings of the world. We're going to put endless heartache to rest. We're going to walk through every wisdom gate. We're going to live the great Buddha's way. Remember? And then when we sing it again, we say, we're going to wake up all the beans of the world, all the beans.

[10:02]

We're going to put endless heartache to rest, achy breaky heart. We're going to walk through every wisdom gate, walking on through. We're going to live the great Buddha's way. Yes, we will. Are you ready to sing? Do you want to try it or do you want to just try doing the... All the beans, achy breaky heart. Will you come in on that part? Huh? All right. We're gonna wake up all the beans of the world, all the beans. We're gonna put endless heartache to rest, achy breaky heart. We're gonna walk through every wisdom gate, walking on through. We're gonna live the great Buddha's way. Yes, we will. This is the part that Ponce really likes. My little stuffed piggy, but he's not here today, so I can help. We're going to wake up all the beans of the world, all the beans. We're going to put in this heartache to rest, achy, breaky heart.

[11:07]

We're going to walk through every wisdom gate, walking on through. We're going to live the great Buddha's way. Yes, we will. The great Buddha's way is to remember that you are you, a beautiful, Beautiful, spiritual, bright person being in your heart of hearts. Eddie Bear, like an Eddie Bear, like a pumpkin. My tomato. My tiger boy. My lion girl. All right, thank you for being here today once again. It's a different room now, isn't it? Hmm. So as I was mentioning to the children, this is a very important point, you know, that each of us is precious, that each of us is a lovable, loving spirit, human being.

[12:48]

And not just, you know, our parents, after a while not noticing, or not always noticing. You know, we forget. And we don't remember our true nature. And we get involved with how we're appearing to the world. So, in other words, the we end up with this basic fundamental problem. If I am truly a loving, good-hearted, warm-hearted spiritual being, why does all these painful things happen to me in my life? Why don't other people see this? And why can't I see it?

[13:52]

And why do I just notice all the difficult, painful things that happen. And I start to believe that these painful, difficult problems are happening because there's something fundamentally, inherently wrong with me. And we then are forgetting that, no, inherently, fundamentally, essentially, I am a good-hearted, warm-hearted, beautiful, precious person. spirit being. We all came into the world like this and then we're involved in this life where it's harder, often very difficult to see and remember. And most of us then we become involved in how do I perform well enough, how will I perform well enough If I perform well enough and people are appreciative enough, it must mean that I'm actually a good person after all.

[14:58]

So we get involved in this world of being only as good as, I'm only as good as my last performance. You're only as good as your last, what have you done for me lately? Or if I cook a good dinner, then people say, well, what are you going to do tomorrow? You just raised the standards. So this is quite, you know, gripping for us to be and get involved in this world of how does everybody else see us? And are they treating us as the beautiful, good-hearted, warm-hearted, precious person that we are, that we know we are? Why don't they see it? And why are they acting like that's not who I am? And we can't remember. For ourself, or for the other person, then we're involved.

[16:02]

We're both people. I and the world are involved in this. How do I look? Do I look? Am I looking good? We used to joke, you know, I'm not around the Zen Center so much, but many years ago, Of course, when I was at the Zen Center for a lot of years, the better part of my youth, 20 years, you know, we used to, and then we didn't talk about it at the time, but then in retrospect, when we look back and we said, oh yeah, we practiced looking good. I am Zen man. Can't you tell? Are you recognizing me yet? Are you seeing what a beautiful Zen person I am yet? And then we wanted to make sure that anything problematic or difficult was hidden.

[17:07]

No, I don't have anger issues. I'm not proud. I don't have greed or hate. No, no. I am a Zen man. I am impassive. I look good, don't I? And somehow other people just never kept not noticing. And that stamp of approval, ah, yes, you are a certified Zen man or woman. It never, it wasn't happening. Very strange. So how would you know? See, this is interesting, you see, how would you know? And what Buddhism says in various ways in various places is you'll never be able to accumulate enough evidence. So Dogen, for instance, says...

[18:14]

Most of you have been alive for a number of years now. Has all your strategizing and planning and plotting and figuring and manifesting yourself in the way you think you should, has it worked? Has it worked yet? You've been doing this for a long time, haven't you? Don't you think if it was going to work, it would work by now? So he says, set it aside. Set aside your... Aim to create an image of yourself that, you know, flies. And why don't you be you? So the beautiful person you are. But then, you know, it doesn't always work, does it? What would it look like? How would you do that? So this is a kind of, you know, what Dogen says is an art. an art, how we are going to manifest our behavior, our speech, to be something from the preciousness inside, to be connected with that preciousness, rather than be connected with our scheme to produce the image that flies.

[19:36]

And this is so much of our culture, too, nowadays. Sometimes I think, oh gosh, our world has become You know, can you create an image that people buy into? You know, you can be, and you become a star. Does anybody know you? They know the image you've created, and they don't know you. So it's something where we miss, we miss the heart of things, or the spirit, you know, the sacred. What is sacred actually in each of us? We miss it. So I decided to share with you today a little bit about my story, what the heck, which I don't so often share.

[20:46]

with people, just as you're the first audience I've explained, you know, about my special name. It's a little scary to, you know, now you know. And what will you do with that knowledge? Because then, you know, it can come back to you, you know, when you get angry or, you know, absent-minded or whatever, then people can say, You know, Eddie Bear, Schmitty Bear, you know, bullshit. People can make fun of your pet name, you know. And then how precious is that? Anyway, I... One of the things that I've found over the years is how important it is to be in touch with and know what you're feeling, to know your emotions, and to be able to live with your feelings in a fairly skillful way rather than an unskillful way.

[22:03]

And after my... 20 years at Zen Center, in many ways, I felt I had to leave the Zen Center in order to have an emotional life. It didn't exactly seem possible at the Zen Center. I am Zen man. And one of the things that happened at that time, which was the mid-80s, is that I started crying. There were a lot of tears. And by that point, I was head of the I had been chairman of the board, president of Zen Center, head of practice at the city center, head of practice at Tassajara, led a practice parade at Tassajara. You know, originally I dropped out of college to go to the mountains and attain true realization. I got to the Zen Center and after a couple of years, sure enough, I was in the mountains of Tassajara and

[23:12]

And then I practiced and practiced. And then 10 years later, I was the president and chairman of the board of a $4 million a year corporation learning how to read profit and loss statements and balance sheets. How'd that work out for you? From going to the mountains to attain true realization to being executive officer. after a while, I dropped out and went to work at Green's as a busboy, and then in a while, I was manager and wine buyer. So I dropped out again. Anyway, one day, I was, I think, you know, I mentioned this from time to time, but at Tassahara, after...

[24:13]

19, I've been sitting, meditating for 19 years, and I thought, what shall I do today? You know, have a project. How do you improve yourself? How will you become a better person? What will you do? Concentrate. You know, Dogen, Zen Master Dogen, for his instructions, his original instruction said, after you've, you know, adjusted your posture, his original instruction said, if you have a thought, become aware of it. Once you become aware of it, it will vanish. If you do this long enough, your mind will become quiet. So this is one idea of what practice is, meditation is. He wrote that a few years after he got back from China, and then 20 years later, he rewrote it. He took that sentence out, and it said, Think not thinking.

[25:15]

What is not thinking? Beyond thinking. So, when you sit, let something come from beyond. But mostly we have some idea. what I would like to work on, what I'll get better at. I'll quiet my mind. I'll get more concentrated. I'll be more focused. I will be less emotional. I will become this or that. Just like Dogen said, you will have some schemes, some plans, some projects. Weren't they going to work by now? And this one particular morning at Tassajara, I sat down and I thought, what will I do today? And I went through a little checklist like that. And then this thought came to me, why don't you just touch what's inside with some warmth and tenderness? And right away, the tears were pouring down my face. And a little voice said, it's about time.

[26:20]

This is the difference. Are you going to get busy with your image, how you look, how people see you? Or are you going to start to notice and feel and sense who you are inside the beautiful person? And it turns out that that beautiful, precious person has feelings. The beautiful, precious person inside has feelings. And it's really amazing. And usually one of the first feelings, I mean, we all get emotional, we get angry or frustrated or scared or worried or anxious, mostly about how we're going to be seen and whether we're getting across a beautiful image to people or not. But one of the first feelings to come is tears.

[27:24]

And that day, you know, then I would come to meditation and I would sit and I'd touch what's inside and then the tears would just pour down my face. Day after day. In fact, you know, and then after a while, I'm, you know, the head. I'm one of the heads of Zen Center. Do you think I can sit in front of a room of Zen students and cry? I couldn't see it. My... My bad. I didn't understand that I could be the teacher and sit in front of a room of people and sob. It's not what people... And if you do that, people say, that's not Zen. That's not Zen. That's not my picture of Zen. That's not my image. you need to be a better Zen teacher.

[28:29]

What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? You know, years later, one time, I told my sitting group in San Rafael, I'm depressed. The group went from 35 people to 15 people. You know, it's a bad career move. Maybe it's good to be honest about your feelings, and at least know for yourself what you're feeling, but you don't, you know, and everybody can see it. But still, when you make it verbal, in words, and people are like, oh, okay. You know, the next day I got three phone calls. Ed, I feel so honored that you would share with us how you're feeling and what's actually going on with you and that you would trust us to hold this awareness about you and, you know, to... you know, take care of that with you and to hold that with you.

[29:32]

And so I really appreciate it. Thank you. Then the next phone call was, oh, Ed, so I hear you're depressed. Do you want to have lunch? That was my friend George Lane. We went out to lunch and had a wonderful time. He never once said anything about my depression. George is the person, when he was a young man, he... This is a little tangential, you know, but it's, to me, all these things are interesting, right? But as a young man, George was in Lutheran Sunday School. And one day, you know, he's about 10 or 11, they're sitting at little desks in the Sunday School, and he says to the teacher, Mr. Robinson, Mr. Robinson, yes, how do we know that we Lutherans are going to go to heaven when we die? How do we know that? How can you, how do you, why would you believe that?

[30:32]

And he didn't say anything, the teacher didn't say anything, he just came over and walloped him across the face, knocked him out of his little desk onto the floor. How dare you ask such a question? So, hey, you decided not to be a Lutheran after that. Later, he was living in Dallas, and as a young man, apparently, he was quite the... How do you say it? Boulevardier? I mean, you know, man about town. And enjoyed a lot of, you know, substances, substance abuse, you know, alcohol, women. And little by little, he felt like his life was falling apart, and he'd also wanted to go to divinity school, you know, strong religious feeling. And... And then, so he started, he went to therapy, and he told the therapist, I'm feeling so miserable, I'm so depressed, I can't stand it, and blah, blah, blah, blah.

[31:38]

He goes on like this, and then after a while, the therapist pulls open the drawer of his desk, takes out a pistol, holds it up in George's face, and he says, you give me two reasons, you sniveling, you know, you know, cuss word, cuss word, cuss word, you sniveling, or I'm going to blow your head off. You give me two reasons not to. Now. And George said, one, that gun's kind of close, and you would have a real big mess to clean up. And that's a light-colored carpet. It's not going to be easy to clean. And two, you'd have some explaining to do. Years later, George was his therapist. They switched roles.

[32:38]

And then years after that, George came to the Zen Center and taught small groups and communication skills. And during the year in 1983, when Zen Center was going through its commotion, shoes outside the door and everything. Anyway, aside, so... Phone call number three. Ed, I don't want to hear about your depression anymore. Get some medication and get on with your life, and I don't want to hear about it. So I think that was much the general feeling of the group, and it went from 35 to 15, and then a few weeks after that it was six. So it's not so good always to let on about these things. So it's very mysterious, you know, but I found it over and over again, my way or to be in touch with myself is to have feelings, and it started with tears, and the tears went on. And it turns out that, well, actually, many years before that, and I was remembering this recently, one of our teachers at Tassara was a man named Kobun Chino.

[33:49]

Kobun had come over from Japan and to help Suzuki Roshi with Zen Center in Tassajara. Kobin died just 10 years ago. And there was a big memorial service for him down on the peninsula at Jikoji at the end of July. I was in Europe, so I missed it. But Kobin's students and his successor, Vanya Palmers, put out a book, Remembering Kobin. So they had asked for stories. So I told this story that's in the book about remembering COVID. We were doing a sashim at one point, where we sit for hours and [...] days and days. And of course, in those days, we used to hit each other with the big stick. Bam, bam. On your shoulder here, you bend over and lean.

[34:52]

Try to get your head out of the way. But sometimes, of course, people clip your ear. They whack you across the back of your neck, across your spine. People's aim isn't always so good. So sometimes you would spend days. It kept you awake anyway. You didn't sleep after somebody walloped you across your neck or your ear or your spine. But anyway, I used to have, in those, this was, I'd been sitting, I don't know, six or eight years or something, five years. And this was in the period of time where I had trouble sitting still because I would have movements. And if I could get one place to stop, it would start somewhere else. And then if I got that to stop, I'd fall asleep. And then when I fall asleep, I get hit. Bam, bam. And then to stay awake, I would shake.

[35:55]

And then when I got tired of shaking, I'd fall asleep and get hit. Bam, bam. This is called Zen. So at the end of the third day, In the afternoon, there was one period where I got hit four times. Four times. Each hit is twice. I mean, you know, I got hit eight times altogether, four times on each shoulder. And so then the period right before dinner, I just put my legs up and put my head down on my knees and put my arms around my legs. And within seconds, Kobachino was by my ear. He said, let's go outside. Because he sits up at the end of the room. And he saw this. And I said, and I'm okay, and I got up. I was sitting right by the door.

[36:56]

So we went out, and then out the side door. It was the old Zenda before, you know, that is now the student eating area if you've been to Tathara. And just as soon as I was going out the door, tears were just flooding down my face. And then... I said to Coburn, I can't see. And Coburn said, it's okay, hold my hand. I'm taking you to your room. Just hold my hand and we'll go slowly. We're going to get there. Okay, don't worry. And the world is just a blur. It's, you know, December. Trees are all bare, sky blue, sunlight. Not so much sunlight. End of the day. And we got back to my room, which was the first cabin across the bridge on the right and the back. And we got inside and Copen had me lie down on my bed.

[38:01]

And then I just started sobbing, sobbing, sobbing, sobbing. And I've never, well, you know, I have a lot of experiences, but my arms and legs were just flapping uncontrollably. while I was sobbing. And Coburn was kind of rubbing me. It's okay. It's okay. Don't worry. You're doing great. This is wonderful. You're doing fine. Don't worry about anything. My arms and legs are flapping. You know, I've since figured out that this is called releasing trauma. Not everybody has this kind of trauma stored up inside, but some of us do. You know, it depends on your childhood, how much trauma is inside. But that kind of shaking is one of the ways to release trauma. And then the bell started ringing for evening service at the end of that period. Coburn said, I need to go back to get ready for service.

[39:04]

I'll see you later. You're fine. You're okay. See you later. And then he went back. After dinner, one of the young men who lived in the front room He decided, he came through and he said, oh, you're crying, huh? He said, you know, probably some rolfing would really help. You know, if you know rolfing, you know deep tissue massage, you know, like let's get into those fasces and all the places that you're kind of tight and let's just rip them open, why don't we? Apparently, actually, Ida Rolf could... go very deeply into persons, people without their feeling invaded and traumatized by her doing that. Very unusual person. But people have different capacities. The people she taught are more likely to like, let me help you out here.

[40:09]

We'll open you up and release some stuff. And then, of course, the more that they are, the more they're not in accord with you and they're doing something to you and not with you, the more that you're going to restructure all that, put that all back in place as soon as you can. Because that was why you had it there, to keep people from doing that stuff. So I have warm feelings for Coburn, and I had this unusual experience of huge amount of tears. And then I got to where I would just sit and the tears would pour down. And then I went to see Katagiri Rishi. And I said, Katagiri Rishi, I'm in meditation now. He was the interim abbot of Sun Center, 1984. And I said,

[41:14]

I'm just touching what's inside in meditation. Is that okay? Is that zen? Is there something, you know, like zen I should be doing? What should you do? And Dogen says, beyond thinking, let something come. Let your experience come from beyond. Don't manufacture it. Don't create it. Don't try it. Let your experience come from beyond. rather than manufacturing something that looks the way it should. And Kadagiri Roshi, when I asked him this, he said, Ed, he would sit up, you know, very straight. Ed, for 20 years, I tried to do the Zazen of Zen Master Dogen before I realized there was no such thing. And a little voice inside me said, oh, right on schedule.

[42:18]

I've been sitting for 19 years. I don't actually think it takes everybody 19 or 20 years. But if you start when you're 20, then you're 20s and 30s. If you start a little later, then you kind of understand some of this stuff anyway, maybe, if you're lucky. By about the age 40, you know, you kind of figure some of this stuff out. You probably will have a similar experience sitting or not about the age of 40. I tried to be the beautiful person I thought I should be, and then it didn't work out. There's no such thing. Now what do I do? So about the age of 40, you figure this out one way or another. So then, you know, a few years later, I was still kind of wandering around, and my next-door neighbors, the beautiful people that they are, said, oh, why don't you have a hands-on healing session with our friend?

[43:23]

I'll think of her name in a minute, but it turns out that she was a student here at Green God's for three weeks before she found her calling as doing hands-on healing. And she was here for three weeks and following the schedule and doing everything, and then somebody said... Barbara, Barbara Jean is her name. Barbara Jean, have you talked to one of them? Have you had an interview with a teacher yet? And she said, oh, no. And they said, well, you should have an interview with the teacher, you know. So she looked at the list, who's available, and she decided she picked Yvonne Rand. And she went to see Yvonne Rand, and she said, Yvonne, is there something I should be concerned about or look for in my practice? And... At least what Barbara Jean says is, Yvonne told her, don't get stuck on your cushion. So Barbara Jean left. And discovered, you know, and started studying hands on healing.

[44:30]

So I didn't know this when I first went to see Barbara Jean. I didn't know this until sometime later. But I went to this session, and there was four women in this little room with this... you know, massage table. And they have all kinds of pillows and stuffed animals. And there's, Barbara Jane is sitting at the head of the table, and there's a woman on either side of the table, or the woman at the end of the table. Four people are doing the session. And Barbara Jane starts talking to me and asking me, what do you want? And then in that kind of work, the healer person has to agree with your wish. You can't just say, like, I don't want to ever have fear again. No, I want to learn how to work with my fear and how to have my fear be good information and help me with my life. Not, I just don't want to have that. Nobody's going to help you just never have fear again. So let's get real and do something we can. So whatever I said, anyway, they say, okay, we're ready.

[45:35]

And you lie down here, I'm on my back. And then they, and Barbara Jane is standing like you, put your hand on his spleen here, and he's got somebody on the liver, and there's a couple of women down on the feet, and then she's holding my head, and then every so often, there's this place up in your heart, somewhere up here, and she presses there, and I started sobbing. And she'd press it some more. And I ended up sobbing, and not just sobbing, but raging for two hours. Unbelievable. And... Later I found out the Cotati police had come, and somebody had reported this person screaming. Me. And the Cotati police had come, and the woman at the front desk kept explaining to them, finally explaining, no, no, we do hands-on healing, it's therapeutic, we're not actually torturing anybody, he's okay, this is, you know.

[46:40]

Blah, blah, blah. So apparently they didn't have to bring the Qatadi police all the way back and open the door in the middle of our session. I walked out after that session and the world was made of love. The air was love, the trees were love, the streets were love, the car was love, the traffic was love. Everything I saw, everything I heard was made of love. I don't think there's any way to get there except to have the tears. You know, and to... And then, also then is what's in the way is... I have to hold myself carefully structured enough to not have the tears.

[47:45]

And when I hold myself that carefully structured, I'm also not gonna have the love. That's my idea. You might have another. You're welcome to have others. You know, people have many ideas. But I thought today I wanted to share some of my experience with you And this is, I think, as the work of a lifetime, remembering your true nature, your good heart, your preciousness, setting aside your performance and how well people see you, how you see yourself, doing better, worse. and letting something come from beyond, letting your experience come, and be information. You know, good to know. Information, tears.

[48:47]

Information that's not good or bad. And most of us grew up, you know. What are you crying about? Get over it. Stop that. You know, I'll give you something to cry about. And it's mostly, most of us grew up and tears were not particularly acceptable, especially if you're a boy, a man. And there's so few places that you will find where, you know, there's a context for tears, for crying. So if you find any place, take advantage of it. But as far as I can tell, you know, and if you read Robert Bly and Michael Mead and other people, you know, tears are associated with how you turn stone. The tears are what softens the stone, the petrification of a human being. And tears wash away that rigidity and structure, rightness.

[49:59]

Perfection. Perfection in the external world, not the preciousness of the inner soft, soft inner world, the inner being. And so tears is just the start. And then you, you know, then you still have, you know, anger and fear and worry and anxiety. And, and then over time you can find out, you release what is old and pretty soon you have something accurate that, and feelings are where you're, connection is in the world. We connect to others really through feelings. Otherwise, there's not so much connection, there's structure and context and formality and people are in the place they're supposed to be. But the feeling is what makes us, gives us intimacy with one another. I feel something with you. So it's really important for those of us who are interested in connection, intimacy, being with.

[51:10]

And again, the way I read Dogen, for instance, Dogen says, let your heart go out and abide in things. Let things come and abide in your heart. Let your heart connect with the world. Let the world connect with your heart. So that's not about good and bad, right or wrong. And when you let connection happen, you will have feelings. Is that okay? And so then we study how to have feelings and not, you know, attack others because I have a feeling or not, you know, and not attack ourself and not go into self-hatred. And we study, like, how to have a feeling and not go into all the reactivity. So the feeling begins to inform us. We become informed by feelings rather than finding them such a problem.

[52:13]

So you can tell this is the beginning of a long workshop. All right. I wanted to share with you a poem today. One of my favorite poems in the last couple of years or so, some of you have probably heard me say it, but I'll say it again. It's a poem by William Stafford. William Stafford was, I think, Mennonite, grew up in Kansas. And during the Second World War, he became a conscientious objector. There weren't very many. And when he was a conscientious objector, he started writing poems. And then he continued. I'll tell you two poems, okay? Two of his poems. One of his poems is, they're both in their way rather Buddhist, but the first one is even more Buddhist.

[53:21]

It could happen any time. Earthquake, tornado, Armageddon. It could, you know. or sunshine, love, salvation. It could happen. That's why we get up in the morning and look out. There are no guarantees in this life. But there are some bonuses, like morning, like noon, like right now. Something shifts when you are experiencing the moment as a blessing, a bonus, rather than, how am I doing? How's my performance? What's it looking like? You know, we go inside. Yeah, right now. And we can feel inside something precious.

[54:28]

The second poem is a little bit longer, but not that much longer. It's called Cutting Loose. Cutting Loose. It's a very interesting, I find it very important poem for me. Sometimes, from sorrow, you sing. For no reason, for no reason you sing, cutting loose from all else and electing a world where you go where you want to. Sometimes from sorrow you sing.

[55:35]

For no reason you accept the way of being lost. For no reason you accept the way of being lost. Cutting loose from all else and electing a world where you go where you want to. Arbitrary. sound comes, reminding that a steady center holds together all else. Listening to it, you can't get lost. Listening to it, you know where you are and you can slide your way past trouble. Listening to it, you can't get lost and you slide your way past trouble.

[56:39]

Certain twisted monsters always bar the path. Certain twisted monsters always bar the path, but that's when you get going best. Glad to be lost. Happy to be learning how real it is here on Earth again. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center. Our programs are made possible by the donations we receive. Please help us to continue to realize and actualize the practice of giving by offering your financial support. For more information, visit sfzc.org. and click giving. May we fully enjoy the Dharma.

[57:38]

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