This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfcc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. Good evening. I've been talking about little pieces of the Ganjo Koan this summer, as most of you who've been here know. And one of the things that the Ganjo Koan emphasizes is how the study of Buddhism is the study of ourself. So when I first started sitting years and years ago, my family wanted to know why I was doing something that was this selfish thing.

[01:00]

Why was I just focusing on myself? So I wanted to mention that the self that we're studying is not an isolated self. It's not a selfish thing to be studying this self because this self is so connected to everything else. One of the ways of dividing people... There are many ways of dividing people, but one of the ways of dividing people, I think most people can fit into one of these categories, are those people who habitually look outward, who spend their time, mostly, have learned to be scanning the world and sometimes trying to take care of everybody or sometimes... trying to at least gauge, you know, what would be the right way to act in this situation, or how are those people feeling, or how are they feeling about me?

[02:08]

Sometimes it's just like, how are they feeling? Because we know that if they're feeling bad, that is about me, right? So I happen to be this kind of person, or at least I was this kind of person, that really developed a fine antenna for how is everybody doing? Does anything need to be done to make this a safer place, really, for me? That's mostly our motive. Then the other type, I don't know about half, I don't know how many people fall into each category, but the other type seems to be quite settled on themselves. In fact, to the point of isolation, usually. It's like the attention goes inward, either because they are... you know, egotistical or self-centered, like sometimes it seems to those of us who are looking outward, especially maybe, that the other type is like, they don't even know anyone else exists.

[03:11]

It's just they're paying attention to themselves to the point of, you know, not really noticing what anybody else is doing or what anybody else feels. So this is one simplified, it's true. way of dividing the world into these two types of people and you may recognize both your own type and somebody who you know as the other type so Zazen and Buddhist practice is really about balancing those or one way of saying it it's about balancing those two types it's about how do you do both of those things and a There are several good reasons why, to do that, we would focus on what we're calling the self. So the self, in some ways, or this way, perhaps could also be described as our senses. Like, my self is the nexus of my senses.

[04:19]

It's where I experience my senses. So we usually talk about five senses, seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touch. And then Buddhism adds another sense, which is called the mind, where we also experience things and add a lot to things, often add a lot to these other senses. So myself... in this way of talking about it, is the place where those senses are located. And the good thing about studying the self is that there are several good things. One is, that's where we can actually experience something. And with as little imagination added to it as possible. So I can... I can have a whole lot of ideas about you, but I can also have an experience of you.

[05:25]

I can hear you. I can smell you. I can see what you do. So we have those kind of experiences in ourself, where our senses are, without adding too much about what I think all of that means. So that's one reason. Another reason is that this is really the only place where we actually meet the world. In a way, it's close to the same thing. Other than in this place, which includes our mind, so it includes things that we read, things that might be far away from us, still we experience them here. And then the third reason, which is a little tricky, is that Why it's good to say the self is because the self really is what we most care about. We most care about how is this being in the world.

[06:29]

That's what those other two types of people are doing. They're looking for how do I get by in the world? Can I get by by just being just me and not noticing other people? or seeming not to notice other people and other things? Or can I get by by managing and keeping in touch with what's going on out there? At this place where the outer world meets the inner world, we can actually see how does that meeting come together? What happens when This person meets whatever happens. What kind of responses come up there? That's what Buddhism is encouraging us to be present for. Where does the world come together for you?

[07:30]

For me? Where and how does it come together? And not just to have an idea about that, but to actually be there and experience it. In the Genja Koan, there's a kind of surprising to me verse. It's one of my favorite from it because I keep coming back to it and thinking, what does this really mean? Or trying to feel out, what does it mean? And a slightly different translation than the one that we chant in the morning is conveying oneself toward all things And let's see. I'm going to get it right. Conveying oneself toward all things to carry out practice enlightenment. So I want to stop there for just a minute. So conveying oneself toward all things to carry out practice enlightenment.

[08:33]

So that sounds like what we came here to do. I think those of us who have come here to practice, those of you who come for... who also see this as your practice home. There are lots of guests who come here to join the practice to whatever extent because this is really something they feel in touch with. And I think we often, this is one way we could say what our intention is, to convey myself toward everything to carry out practice enlightenment. Then that sentence goes on and it says, To convey oneself toward all things, to carry out practice enlightenment, is delusion. Ha! Tricked you. It tricked me. To carry oneself forward toward all things, even to carry out practice enlightenment, is delusion. And then it says that all things would come forward and carry out practice enlightenment through the self is enlightenment.

[09:43]

So let's just think about this for a minute. Just feel it out with me. So we're, you know, there I am going forward to meet something, to meet everything, to meet as much as I can and call forth practice enlightenment, right? That's what I want to do. I want to be able to meet, you know, this difficult situation in a way that's beneficial and, you know, shh, takes my practice and enacts it. That's delusion. That everything would come forward and carry out practice enlightenment through the self is enlightenment. So to me when I think of this, it seems frightening. It seems like you're a sitting duck. It's just like, here I am waiting for everything to come forward. And carry out practice enlightenment, whatever that is, and that'll be enlightenment.

[10:49]

So I'm just like here waiting. All things are coming forward. You know what that means. You know, all kinds of things. Somebody's upset about this or that. Somebody, all their ideas, all their expectations, you know, what they like to cook for dinner. Everything. Everything comes forward and gets to get into my life and myself and carry out practice enlightenment. Not the practice enlightenment that I was carrying forward, but the practice enlightenment that happens when all things come forward and meet me. Meet my senses. Meet my emotions. Meet you. And your senses. Your hearing. Somebody decides they want to make a lot of noise. it comes forward to you, meets you, and somehow carries out practice enlightenment, and that's enlightenment.

[11:51]

That's realization. So it's both frightening because it feels pretty out of control. It's like, you know, I'm just there while things happen. It also, you know, if I... feel into it, it's also a relief because I don't really know how to go forward, carry myself forward and carry out practice enlightenment. So, you know, as I said many times before, I think that's kind of how we've been taught and how we've taken up our job in life is to figure out who I should be, how can I be a good person, whatever that means to us, you know, maybe that means... How can I support myself? How can I support my family? Or how can I act ethically? Or how can I continue to love my husband or my kids?

[12:53]

Somehow, how do I be whatever I'm feeling is a good person? That's my job, is to figure out who is that? What are the parts that are present right now that don't fit into that? And how do I make myself into that? How do I get rid of the bad parts and how do I add some good parts or develop the good parts or something. And that we pretty much walk around in that mindset. Like, okay, that's what I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe I'll try Buddhism. Maybe I'll try Zazen. Maybe that will help me do that. Maybe it'll help me figure out, you know, how do I get rid of this part of myself and stop suffering in that way? I think that Buddhism is saying in passages like this from Dogen that what it's about is actually exactly the opposite of that. It's not about how do you build a better you. It's about how do you... It's about that it's okay to meet the world as the you that's here.

[13:58]

That's hard to believe, actually. You know, we've seen some parts of ourself which don't seem so nice. And it don't seem like when they meet the world, everything will be just fine. So that's the study. What happens when I meet the universe? One way that many of you have heard before, but I'll just say it again because to me it's such a kind of clear or... anyway way of thinking about this that the way we normally think about our life is sort of like I need to build a house I need to decide what kind of house I want you know how many bedrooms it should have how many bathrooms where it's going to be all about it and then kind of make a plan and follow the plan and that our life is really not like that it's not something we're trying to build it's much more like a plant

[15:06]

It's like a seed that was planted. For all of us, it's actually already been planted some years ago and has started to grow and has had a lot of things happen to it already. It's had a lot of sunshine. It's had a lot of rain. It's had not so much rain. It's had rocks fall on it. It's had various things that happen to this plant. But it's... still growing at this point it's still developing it's still as long as we're alive this particular plant that each of us are is happening it's not like a plan it's like a favorite buddhist thing it's like dependent core rising is happening there's a seed there's the ground there's the sun there's the rain there's a lack of rain there's and this particular plant that each of us are That's happening. So I think that Buddhism, or Zen at least, is encouraging us to inhabit this plant, be there, be there at the place where this plant meets the dependent co-arising, where this plant meets the sunshine, where this plant meets the rock, where this plant is growing.

[16:29]

And C, is it okay to be this plant? So this may sound like it's a passive thing. Like there's a plant sitting there. There's me sitting there or standing there while the whole universe comes forth and meets me. But it's not really a passive. I don't think passivity is one of the possibilities for us. When the universe comes forth, we have a response. There is some response. Of course, we're having, when I say be at the place, really there's so much interaction with the universe going on that there's no way we can be with it all. You know, like right now, we are thoroughly enjoying, without noticing it, the fact that there is air in this room. Right? We're like, totally, that's making us so happy that we haven't even noticed. Right.

[17:30]

Mostly we can't notice. We can't notice everything. There's no way we can notice everything. So we could notice air, and we certainly would notice a lack of air. But other things come into us too. Anyway, there's a lot that we don't notice or that we can't notice everything. And then some things come in and we actually do notice them. Usually because they affect our sense of self. They affect... Does this seem like a safe place for me? You know, it might be somebody smiles at us and it feels like a really safe place. Like, oh, they like me. We might notice, oh, that was a great thing. In fact, I'd like to get them to do that again. Or it might be something that brings up fear for us in one of its many forms. Somebody asks us to do something we don't know how to do. Somebody frowns as we walk by. and we're sure it was about us. So to be there as much as we can, again, we can't be there for everything, but to notice, you know, when I say this, it sounds like you're supposed to notice it and be able to say what it is, but that's not what I mean.

[18:47]

It's more like be there for the event and notice at some level, is it okay to be me? So again, I want to just finish this thought about there isn't a way to be passive about that. Sometimes things happen internally. The universe comes in, things happen, and we decide not to bring what's happening on the inside to the outside. We decide not to say anything to that person. We decide not to burst into tears like we feel like we want to. Or we decide not to lay down on the floor and kick our feet just because that's what it feels like inside. So sometimes we decide not to do that. Not doing that is an action. It's not passive. It's actually doing something. We're always doing something. We're always either actually doing something or not doing something, both of which have an effect.

[19:50]

So we're always part of... this dependent co-arising that is making our life, making our plant, making our universe, making other plants. We're in this constant interaction. What I think this passage of Dogen is suggesting is that we not get an idea of what we should be or what practice is or how we should be treating this person or something and then walk around with that idea sort of This is what I'm going to do. There is somewhat of a waiting quality or an awareness quality that I'm going to try to actualize who I am right now. Now, that's not a simple thing. Like I say, if who I am is somebody walks in and says, I don't know, any old thing, and I suddenly feel like a two-year-old,

[20:52]

I may feel like I'm not going to show them that right now. That's still me. Somebody doesn't have that option. Somebody doesn't have the option to not show that they're... And I might not have that option at some time. Maybe I feel like a two-year-old. I'm acting like a two-year-old. Sometimes that's not necessary. Sometimes I can just be like, fine. Whatever you said. So that's, I think, the encouragement of this practice is to be there for that meeting of our internal and our external world and be as open to it as it is as possible. without too much interference from what we think it should be.

[21:54]

And we have a lot of ideas about how I should be, how I should be, and how everything else should be too. So with as little interference from that as we can get to, be there for what's actually happening, and then see what happens. See, is that really a safe way to live? I think it's kind of surprising. Often what we find out about ourself in that situation and about other people in that situation is that we're more understandable than we thought. When we do something that's outrageous in some way or think something that's outrageous, if we stay there with it, I think what we often see, maybe always see, but that's up to all of us to find out, is, oh, what's happening is actually understandable.

[22:58]

Usually, I think, if it's a painful thing, it's often a fear. Sometimes fear comes up, and then we put a lot of ideas onto that. But anyway, I don't want to go into that too much, because that's what we're finding when we're there. I did want to mention another... kind of, to me, surprising, frightening, and relieving thing that Dogen says in the Gendrakhan. He says, so he's, you know, there's this, things coming forward, carrying out practice enlightenment through the self is realization. And then he says, a little later, he says, do not suppose that what you realize, that this realization becomes your knowledge or is grasped by your consciousness. So when we have this realization, when we're there for this interaction between the universe and need, between the internal world and the external world, it's not that we're supposed to get that as something that we can then hold on to and proceed finally with safety.

[24:08]

Like, oh, now I understand who I am or how the world works or what's going on here. It doesn't work that way. It's not something that we can get with our knowledge or grasp with our consciousness and then hold on to it. We have to keep doing it. We have to keep meeting. This plant has to keep meeting its surroundings. It has to keep just growing. Growing, eventually starting to fade, leaves starting to fall off. fall coming and eventually dying. We have to do that as an actual thing, not as some idea of realization that we can get a hold of and then finally we're okay. So, as I said, that's a little surprising. I mean, I think most of us think we're supposed to be figuring out what are we doing here?

[25:11]

What is this practice about? And we're supposed to be getting something out of it that we could actually, like, Tell our family, finally, no. This is what I was doing here. See, it wasn't selfish after all. So say no, maybe not, maybe not, which is a little frightening. But it's also a relief. I was like, okay, because I think most of us have had that experience. Like, I thought I knew what was going on, and now I don't know again. What, really? Is it making any difference in my life or not? And we go over it again. So, let's see. Do you have anything you'd like to add, subtract, ask? So I like to tell a story, something, you know, but I couldn't really think of any tonight, except then this story popped in, you know, tell a story of something that's happened.

[26:40]

Like here at Tassar, people like to hear about that. I usually like to have it have something to do with what I'm talking about. But this story popped into my mind that I don't know whether it has anything. We'll see. As I say it, maybe I can find some way to tie it in. Um... I've been told it's good to repeat something at the very end. So let's see if I can do that. So this story that I thought of for some reason, I don't know what, happened 37 years ago. 37 years ago, the Zendo was down where the student eating area is now. And in April, we were just at the end of the practice period, having the final... one of the final ceremonies, almost the final ceremony of the practice period, and a fire started. And I actually wasn't here. I was at Jamesburg, pregnant, waiting for my first daughter to be born. But I heard a lot about it.

[27:41]

So a fire started. Everybody was in the Zando. Almost everyone was in the Zando for the ceremony. And Mark, were you here? No. No. This is a ceremony where everyone asks the abbot a question, and it's a kind of long, maybe as long as this, but narrower room, and the abbot was up at one end, that end, and then people would walk to the back of the room, and then from somewhere toward the back would ask him a question so they would speak loud so that everyone could hear. So this one person walked to the back, and the doors were back there, and as he walked by the doors, he saw that the the shoe racks and everything were on fire. And he yelled out, fire, fire. And people thought this was his question. Then he said, no, I really mean it. There's a fire out here. And people had to like run out of the Zendo. It was, you know, an old wood building. It burned very fast.

[28:43]

They ran out of the Zendo. A lot of them went out. There was a little side door like there. And a lot of them went out that door because the fire was here. Most people, their shoes were burnt up. that bell the little bell is the only instrument that was taken out of the this bell and the striker probably were taken out of the zendo somebody just grabbed it and took it out many wonderful things were burnt there was a mukugio like that one, much bigger one that I had to be up on my knees to play it with a big and then a huge beautiful drum So it was inside the Zendo, which burned down. So they ran out, and they... Anyway, there's a whole story about what they did. That was not the part I was going to tell you about. What I was going to tell you about was pretty much right away. So this was April, April 11th, and the guest season was going to start in May, and the heart of the community was suddenly gone.

[29:43]

It was burnt to the ground, and they managed to stop it from burning the kitchen. It was hard. Actually, the county had made us... put in a firewall at this end of the kitchen to protect the zendo, but actually it went the other way around. What you think you're doing is not necessarily what you're doing, so it protected the kitchen. And also we managed to put out sparks and things that went on to the stone rooms. The office was burnt and the zendo. And here it was April 11th, so pretty much I think that night Richard Baker and Paul Disco sat down and planned this building. And the next day they went out and they got wood and they started building. So this temporary Zendo, as we called it for many years, was when I came back in 10 days later with the new baby, it was already happening. It was pretty much up and going.

[30:45]

In the beginning it felt like the ceiling wasn't here and the electric lights weren't here and the tons weren't here and the heat was definitely not here. The altar wasn't here and it felt like our beautiful Zendo burnt up and now we have this big box that we're sitting in. But at least we have something, which we did by the time the guest season opened. It was such a surprise to find out that this Zendo has so many advantages to the other one. This one is about many, many, many... Before we got the heat, now it's even better. But even before that, it was many degrees warmer in the winter. Being right down there by the creek, it was cold, cold, cold, cold. Much colder than this Zendo ever is. And then in the summer... It gets the breeze, which that one never got.

[31:46]

It never got any breeze. You'd go in there in the summer and just melt. And the other thing that would happen in the summer is that it was right down at ground level. So sometimes our guests, a few of our guests, maybe none of them do this anymore, would drink too much at the dining room. too much wine or something, and then would come and would just basically come into the zendo because it was right there. So no one has ever done that in this zendo. Maybe our guests don't drink too much anymore. But maybe if they do, they don't try to come up these stairs and figure out this complicated way, you know, to come to the middle, there's no door at the end. That one, the door was like right there. They could just like stumble in. So there were all these... advantages that were definitely not planned into this building. It just was thrown up because here was a space in the center of Tassahara where we could do it fast. So, how does that go with what I was saying before?

[32:49]

I'm sure it does. Let me think. What was I saying? Yeah. To, you know, try... Or in some ways, not even try. I think this is what Zazen, for instance, is about. It's about sit down and you don't know what you're doing. I mean, you may think you know what you're doing, and maybe you do, but maybe you don't. Maybe you just sit down and actually can't do your habits for how to not be with yourself because you're stuck. You're just sitting there. And then the universe is still happening, so various things happen, but you are, I am, you are gaining a habit of staying here, even while things are happening, still staying here.

[33:52]

Not staying here in an isolated way, shut off from everything, but staying here as the universe happens. And from that, some... Life continues. This plant continues. This zendo continues. That one burns down. This one sprouts up. Who decides to do it here? Who decides the wind can come in this zendo through these windows? Nobody. Nobody, but we all participated. We all... The fire participated... Paul Disco participated, Baker Roshi participated, the students participated. So that's, I think, the activity that we're engaged in. We always are ourselves, even though we might be engaged in this valiant effort to plan the right person and then build the right person.

[34:56]

Even though that's what we're doing, we can't get away from being the plant that we are. interacting with the universe in the way that this plant does. So really all this practice is asking of us is to come closer to that. Be there and see if it's a little more trustworthy than we thought. Can we relax into that? So I hope that that encourages you to try that some. And thank you very much for being here tonight. For more information, visit SSCC.org and click Giving.

[35:52]

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