This podcast is offered by the San Francisco Zen Center on the web at www.sfzc.org. Our public programs are made possible by donations from people like you. How many of you feel like you can't meditate? How many of you feel that your body or your mind or your soul or your spirit or your psyche or something makes you unfit? Have you ever felt that way? Has anybody ever felt that way? Yeah, you think? How many of you have ever failed? Good. That's very good. Very, very good. Failure is a great place to start.

[01:00]

It's a very good place to start, as long as you don't make up a story about that failure. As long as you don't weave a story about, oh, I am a failure, or I can't do this, or I can't do that. Other than that, failure is a very good place to start. Without failure, we make up all kinds of crazy ideas about what practice is about. we think it needs to be this or it needs to be that I should be this I should be that or the person sitting next to me should be this or should be that right something but when we fail we have to start over we have to start from scratch this is beginners mind we have to say I don't know what practices I don't know what meditation is We have to let go of all of our ideas about what we think it is and start over.

[02:02]

And if we're honest with ourselves, we do this over and over and over and over again. And so when we become intimate with failure, we become intimate with starting again. And this is really important. This is the root of our Zen practice. Thomas Merton, who was a Cistercian monk, said that humility... is knowing completely who you are. That's humility. It's not, I'm a crappy person, or, ooh, I said a bad word. It means being completely who you are. That means what you know is true. It means you sink all the way down to the root. all the way down and in the Buddha Dharma what we find when we sink all the way down to the root is we find that we are identical with all beings we are identical with the heartbeat of the universe we are not the center of the universe one of the reasons that people love Tassajara so much is because you get to figure out here that you're not the center of the universe believe me if you spend any time on these platforms here you learn pretty quick

[03:17]

Number one, that you're a failure. And number two... And number two, that you're not the center of the universe. This is a great relief, isn't it? Because if we're not the center of the universe, we don't have to take care of the universe. We just have to do our part. We have to show up. We have to show up with a good heart. We have to show up with as much clarity as we can. We have to show up with humility the way... Thomas Merton talks about it. We have to show up as completely who we are. This is where we discover true kindness. This is where we discover the truth of suffering. This is where we discover our complete intimacy with all beings. Don't you think? Zenke Roshi, sitting over there, says, often, I've heard her say often, that Suzuki Roshi told her, you don't sit zazen, zazen sits zazen.

[04:26]

Right? You can't sit zazen, even better. Zazen sits zazen. Thank you for correcting that. I've heard it, but you know how we make up our own versions of things. When we think we're doing the practice, we get in a success and failure mode. I, I, I counted 30 breaths. Right? Whoopee. I did that. How big is the I in that? Pretty big, don't you think? I am a good Zen student or a good whatever. That is not the point. Nobody gets brownie points for how many breaths they counted. What happens is when we discover that zazen sitzazen, when we let go of all of the ideas that we have about practice, when we're willing to be an utter failure,

[05:41]

when we are willing to let go and sit and rest at the bottom of the breath, rest just there, and feel, taste what it's like for zazen to sit zazen. Does this make sense to you? Does this make sense? Let go. Zazen sits it. The universe sits it. Life sits it, not us. Our job is to show up. It's like that's our human job. We show up. We show up. We give it our best effort. So when Zazen sits Zazen, it doesn't mean that we roll over in bed and say, oh, you know, I really don't want to do this. Oh, I know my coworker is cranky, but I just want to lash out. oh, I know this person is driving nuts, but I am going to have this idea about the nature of the universe and I am going to decide who they are.

[06:46]

No, we let go. Zazen is a field in which we begin to understand, we begin to taste what it's like to not be the center of the universe. And we're like, I like the image of a bloodhound, right? We smell it. We smell what it's like to live our lives that way. We smell what it's like to sit like that. And once we get the taste, once we get the scent, we follow it everywhere. Throughout our day, in our cars, at work, with our partners and families, we follow the scent. What is it like? What is it like when I don't feel like I have to run everything? What is it like when I trust, deeply, deeply, deeply trust, that I am Buddha? I don't have to run things. Dogen wrote a fascicle called Juki.

[07:47]

And I want to read you a little bit of this. If I can find it in my notes. Okay, Juki, the fascicle Juki is translated as affirmation. That's one of the translations. Affirmation. So Juki means you already are. You don't have to make yourself into something else. What you have to do is trust what you already are, deeply, deeply, deeply. He says, we should know that even a speck of dust has absolute value, limitless capability. Why then cannot Juki or affirmation be found in a speck of dust? It cannot be found in only one thing, but it is found in all things. Juki is practice and enlightenment. Juki is each one of you.

[08:51]

Do you believe that? Glory, hallelujah. Right? Do you believe that? Who believes that? Yay! Maybe... Maybe one little finger comes up. Praise the Lord. Come on. Can you believe that? Yay! All right. There we go. See, we can laugh when we do that, right? There is joy in that. There is real joy in that. Not the joy of an acquisitive mind, an acquisitive effort. The culture tells us, acquire, acquire, do, get better, accomplish, right? We get so good at that. But the effort that's in Buddhist practice is not that effort. It's not acquiring and getting better, you know, racking up enlightenment experiences.

[09:54]

You know? Good for you. What happens when you're, you know, when your neighbor's playing music too loud at night? Well, not here. That doesn't happen here. What happens when you're called on to be patient, kind, understanding, humble? What happens? Where are those enlightenment experiences? Abbot O'Boro wrote a wonderful commentary on the Heart Sutra. It's called The Tiger's Cave. I highly recommend it. And at one point he says, some people say they're not angry. He says, who are those people? Who are those people? That's what I say. Who are those people? Not us, right? Oh, maybe it's not anger, maybe it's greed, maybe it's something. But who are those people? We are those people. The people, the human people.

[10:56]

Where I teach is... Part of what we do there is we train clergy, Jodo Shin clergy, clergy from other schools who want to learn about Buddhism. And the Jodo Shin folks have this wonderful phrase, foolish human beings. Foolish human beings. We are all foolish human beings. Not perfectible. But we show up. We show up. We allow life to live itself. with a full heart. We dive in. So if any of you think that you're excluded from this practice, forget it. You're not excluded. No excuses. You don't have to do this one, but do something. Or if you think that the people here that you see wandering around in black robes with shaved heads, like they know what they're doing, they got it down, no. What you find out when you shave your head and you come here and you spend a few years is you're the same old human being you ever were, and so is everybody else.

[12:02]

But when we dive into the practice, we're humans together. We're in it together. When Buddha sat under the bow tree after years of austerities and finally taking nourishment, when he sat under the bow tree with determination all night long and he saw the morning star, He woke up and saw the morning star. He saw the morning star by the light of the morning star. Right? He didn't see in the dark. So we are always in this together. I see because of you. You see because of me. I hear because of the birds and the crickets. We create together harmony. We create together beauty. We create together the courage to endure hardship. We create together kindness. We listen.

[13:04]

We respond. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. Please tell me about your life. Let's do this together. Let's clean up this mess together. Let's wake up together. That's what we do. We are the morning star for one another, and we are Buddha for one another. And we never know what we're doing, but we know we're doing it together. That's the spirit of zazen. That's the spirit of creating sangha, creating awakening. It's not a lonely business. Even if you think you're alone, you're never alone, because the nature of our reality is together. And this is an affirmation of our true nature. It's an affirmation of who we are. So you can come back to that again and again.

[14:06]

Dogen Senji, the founder of our school, says this. Even a speck of dust, even a speck of dust, is alive with wisdom and compassion every single moment. We just have to get out of the way. and live it even in our foolishness. There's a poem that I love that I would like to read to you. And I believe this poet was here earlier in the summer. I believe she was. Naomi Shihab Nye, was she earlier, here earlier? So maybe some of you have heard this poem before. I'm not going to read you the whole thing, but I'm going to read you part of it, if I can see well enough.

[15:09]

This poem is called Kindness. This is our practice, okay? Before you know what kindness really is, you must lose things. Feel the future dissolve in a moment like salt in a weakened broth. What you held in your hand, what you counted carefully and saved, all this must go so that you know how desolate the landscape can be between the regions of kindness. How you ride and ride thinking the bus will never stop. The passengers eating maize and chicken will stare out the window forever. Before you know kindness is the deepest thing inside, you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing. You must wake up with sorrow.

[16:12]

You must speak to it till your voice catches the thread of all sorrows. and you see the size of the cloth, then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore. Only kindness that ties your shoes and sends you out into the day to mail letters and purchase bread. Only kindness that raises its head from the crowd of the world to say, it is I you have been looking for, and none goes everywhere with you like a shadow or a friend. This is the spirit of our practice. This is the spirit of Zazen Sitzazen. Do you see it? We turn, like Buddha did, we turn towards our lives. We're willing and we have the courage to see the sorrow of the world, to see our own sorrow, to see our own connection, to be alive to what's real in this moment, to not turn away.

[17:15]

When Buddha left the palace and went and saw suffering, old age, sickness and death, he could have gone back and had a beer. He didn't. He let it transform him. When we face hardship, when we face disappointment, when we face the unthinkable, we turn towards it. We allow it to transform us with others. And we discover compassion. We discover tenderness. We discover respect for ourselves and others. We discover kindness. We taste the sweetness of basing our lives in that way. That's what hardship does for us. That's what facing sorrow does for us. That's where we really find a joy that is not conditioned. That's where we find a peace that is not conditioned. When we know that we've acted with integrity and kindness towards ourselves and all beings, that is a peace that is unshakable. When we sit tzazan and we're willing to fail, we're willing to face ourselves, we're willing to be in it with other foolish human beings, we have the capacity to feel that peace for a moment, then it goes away, and then we find it again.

[18:33]

And that's what we do, right? As humans, You can practice that. You can practice whatever you want. You can practice surfing. I live in Santa Cruz. Lots of people practice surfing. But that's a Buddha Dharma. Come back. Come back to your human realm that is not different from all beings. Come back to kindness. Come back to clarity. Clarify this with others. Be alive. Because you only get one chance. Maybe till the next time. Yeah? You know, it's like Mary Oliver says, you know, what will you do with this precious human life or wild human life or something like that? What will you do? Do you have time to fool around? I don't think so. So we come back to this, waking up with others in foolishness, in kindness, and then we find that it's kindness that ties our shoes, not us.

[19:42]

It is zazen that sits zazen, not us. It is life living itself, and that is the ultimate affirmation. You think? I think. That's all. We have a few more minutes. Right? When are we supposed to start? Stop. 9.15? 9.20. Oh, we've got lots of time. want to hear another quote from Suzuki Roshi yeah this time I'll get it right because it's written down okay listen to this one this again is about kindness you should know for those of you that are new to Buddhism Manjushri is the Bodhisattva of wisdom sits on the altar When you do something with a warm-hearted feeling, Manjushri Bodhisattva of wisdom, the spirit of wisdom, is there.

[20:51]

And there is the true you. Okay? When you do something with a warm-hearted feeling, Manjushri, the Bodhisattva of wisdom, is there. And there is the true you. You don't have to wonder where Manjushri is or what she is doing. When you do things with your warm-hearted mind, that is actual practice. That is how we take care of things and communicate with people. The secret is not to forget the mercy of Buddha, who takes care of everything. And who do you suppose, this is me talking, who do you suppose that Buddha is that takes care of everything? If we lose this point, whatever we do doesn't make sense. So we put emphasis on warm heart, warm zazen. The warm feeling we have in our practice is, in other words, enlightenment or Buddha's mercy or Buddha's mind.

[21:51]

So this warm-hearted feeling, this warm kindness, it's not saccharine, right? It's not like get the insulin. It's got teeth to it. this kindness. It's got teeth to it, this warm-hearted. It's what, you know, in the Tibetan tradition, Vajra energy, strength, vigor, show up, that kind of kindness. This is this warm-hearted feeling. This is the heart of our practice. This is kindness tying our shoes. Questions? You set? Oh, no questions? Are you too afraid? Yes. Bingo, good one.

[23:01]

This is a con. Y'all know what a con is? The question is that she said, I talked about foolish human beings, but I also trust talked about trusting ourselves, trusting our true nature. Did I get that right? Yeah. We're both. If we think we're just foolish human beings, then we can just wander around and make excuses for not waking up, right? But if we think that we are the wisdom of the, you know, this little one that we think of, ourself, we need to go deep. I'm messing up, messing this thing up. I went deep. Move it down. We have to go, you know, we have to pierce to the bottom of the self. Abbotta Boroh talks about this. When you pierce to the bottom of the self, tanam bodhisattva, the spirit of compassion arises. We are that. So it's true. We're foolish human beings. We need to forgive ourselves and others for our mistakes as we bumble through this world.

[24:02]

And we make errors. We're not perfectible in that way. But if we're willing to be with that in humility, as Thomas Merton tells us, we start to taste our true nature, which is below that, in a sense. You know what I mean? We sink down. We crack through these ideas about what we have about ourselves and about our practice. And we taste. And lo and behold, we're kind in a moment that we thought we couldn't be. We're forgiving. We're flexible. We're like dancers. We can move 360 degrees. Are you a dancer? No? Should be. We move. We move. We're alive. We're alive to our life. So Dogen Senji says, we walk with our heads on the top of the ocean and our feet on the bottom, right? We never escape. A fish swims like a fish. We never escape this world.

[25:05]

We are foolish human beings and... we realize moment by moment by moment, true awakening. We are not different than that. So put that in your pipe and smoke it for a while. Other questions? Yes. So, say hypothetically, you're sitting. Say hypothetically, you're sitting. Uh-huh. Boredom is a really good teacher. Boredom is inevitable when you're sitting off Zazen, right?

[26:10]

But boredom is a trick. It's a delusion trick. It seduces us. We are not awake when we're bored. So there's different meditation techniques you can use. You can sit up a little straighter and breathe. You can freshen your mind. Trungpa Rinpoche talks a lot about this. But the point is, are you realizing this moment? And if this moment is boredom... Realize it fully. Eat it. Eat it up. This is this moment. This is a complete moment of boredom. Wake up to that. And, you know, so we have, you know, Zazen said, Zazen, the next day, you know, say we're on the kitchen crew or we have to go pick up our kid at child care or something, mind goes off, right? Okay. Zazen is still, this is, we call, Dogenzenji calls it, the dignified activity of a Buddha.

[27:11]

Dignified, bored Buddha. Blissful Buddha. Distracted Buddha. Zazen is always sitting Zazen. So you don't have to do anything, but keep showing up for a moment of boredom, a moment of realization, a moment of distraction, on and on. Saturates, transforms the self, yeah? Makes us better people. Okay? Good. Someone else? Yes? The kindness of the heart. It's our true nature, basically. In the Buddha Dharma, we say our true nature is this interdependent reality. Right? Dependent, co-arising. It means we're all intimate, all connected. When we actually rest in that... There is nothing that we can do but be kind. Because it's like smacking myself in the head if I try and hurt somebody else.

[28:16]

It doesn't work. True kindness is the nature of wisdom, is the nature of our life. We can believe that. So we sink into our experience and kindness arises. Kindness ties our shoes. Kindness buys bread. Kindness smiles to the bank teller. Not in some, you know, like little, you know how people get real spiritual and they kind of smile. You know that real spiritual smile? Yuck. It's just simple. Thank you. It's just simple. Go ahead of me. It's real down to earth, you know? It's just simple. Simple kindness. We know what kindness is. It's in our DNA. Don't we know what kindness is? When I say that word, you know what I mean, right?

[29:18]

You know what I mean? Yeah, that's it. Real simple. You know when someone's kind to you, what happens to you. That's what we have to contribute to the world. Especially when it's hard. Especially when it's really hard. Yeah. More questions? Comments? Yes. You spoke about failures. Uh-huh. And when you asked it, you spoke about mistakes. Yeah. Errors. So my question is, who made mistakes? These rules of affection. Rules of? Perfection. Perfection. Who is the judge? Yeah, who is the judge? Mara. Mara. Mara is the embodiment of delusion for those who hear it.

[30:25]

Mara is our deluded mind. Mara is so seductive, right? Ooh, you better do it right. You know? Don't cross in front of the altar. Lightning. Yeah? Mara convinces us that if we just did it right, everything would be okay, right? That's what perfection is all about. You ask people about what they think enlightenment is, it usually goes something like, I'm going to have lots of milk and cookies and everything's going to be okay. I'm never going to hurt again. Everything's going to be cozy, warm, comfortable. We're addicted to comfort. Not here. So that's what makes up standards of perfection. And that's what drives us. And Mara is always with us. Always our teacher. We need to listen. No, Mara, I see you as Mara.

[31:28]

Delusion, I see you as delusion. Yes. You have been sitting, practicing for about 30 years. I know. It's really pathetic in some ways, isn't it? So from that pathetic state, if you could give only one piece of advice to this audience, Dharma, secrets, what would that one piece of advice be? Focus on love. Any other brave souls? Yes? So you talked about the anger of ordinary human beings, which I experienced. So can you comment on the anger of Buddhists?

[32:29]

Oh, yeah. Well, for this, I am very indebted to the studies that I've done and teaching I've done with Tibetan teachers. And I really appreciate a way of understanding this that they have, which is that there are afflictive emotions like anger are deluded states of enlightened energy. So anger is a deluded form of what's called Vajra energy, Manjushri's sword. discriminating wisdom right so the most deluded form would be homicidal rage it's so deluded that you think it's okay to actually kill another being a little less than that would be it's okay to harm another being right a little less would be it's okay to harm myself and just get like eaten up right but as our wisdom grows we start to We start to see the delusion in that.

[33:30]

And then we can trace it back down. The enlightened form of Vajra energy is discriminating wisdom. In discriminating wisdom, you can say no, absolutely strongly. No. No hatred. No anger. You know, someone is doing something harmful. You can see somebody harming another person. No. There's energy in there. There's... there's rules there's all that stuff that helps us from a positive point of view you know when I was my teacher Mel Weitzman when I was his Anja once we were walking across the bridge and he turned to me and he said you're being a spoiled brat and I stood there and I thought you know he's right that was Bajra There was no hatred in it. It was a bucket of ice water on my head and I needed it. No anger, no judgment.

[34:32]

Right? So as we grow in confidence in our wisdom, we can act with real discriminating wisdom. We can trust that. We have to be real careful. because we're foolish human beings and we can delude ourselves into thinking that we're actually being discriminating with. I'm so wise. I can tell you something like that. Only in great intimacy is that possible. But if you study your anger, then you can start to, and you see the suffering in it. In working with anger or any afflictive emotion, we need to be able to study the suffering in it. And as we study the suffering in it, we start to distill out What is it that's alive in there that is vital to us as human beings? One more question. Yes, sir. You know, I don't know.

[35:39]

The story of my coming to Zen is that I woke up one morning and a voice in my head said, it's time to go to the Zendo, and I went and I never looked back. I don't know. I just fell in love with it. I also had the opportunity to study and teach with a Tibetan teacher. And that was enormously led retreats with her and had opportunity to be at her monastery. And I learned a lot. And it was a very enriching thing for me. But every time I went into the shrine room, it was like visiting another country. It was lovely, but it wasn't my home. This is my home. This is the center of the universe, by the way. It's the center of the universe because it's where you learn that you're not the center of the universe. Okay, I think we should stop now. Yeah? All right. Ready, Dawn? Ready. Thank you for listening to this podcast offered by the San Francisco Zen Center.

[36:41]

Our Dharma Talks are offered free of charge, and this is made possible by the donations we receive. Your financial support helps us to continue to offer the Dharma. For more information, visit sfcc.org and click Giving.

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